Do your siblings correct your children?

[mom31257]

I am about to spend a week with both my siblings, a nephew, and my parents at a condo at the beach. I look forward to spending time with them, but part of me dreads it because one of my sisters treats my kids like she is their mom, too. I think she feels that if our mother had corrected us more we could have been saved some problems in life, so she wants to do that for mine. Her only child is special needs, so it's not like I go around doing this to her child.

 

My kids are pretty good, but not perfect. I want to handle things myself the way I choose to do so. I end up feeling like we're under a microscope and I have to discipline the kids for stuff I would let go if we were home. She has friends who homeschool and have seemingly perfect kids, so I always wonder if she's comparing them to mine, too.

 

Any suggestions?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sure, jump in before she can. That doesn't mean that you will choose the same way of handling it that she will. And it doesn't mean that you will necessarily give a consequence. It may be just a redirection of the child - perhaps out of Auntie's range?! that will show that you are on top of it.

[dansamy]

My sis lives next door and yes, she corrects my children. I also correct hers if I need to do so. Truthfully, I don't correct her children as often as she corrects mine, but that's because, in general, her dc are a bit better behaved than mine and her DH is one of those super-oppressive types. And I'm a super laid-back type most of the time. It just isn't worth the headache. I usually just call her and say something like, "Hey! I'm not mad, but dc did xxx and would you please handle the issue? Thanks!" Normal kid stuff, I'll say something to the kid and then let DSis know about the problem. Major stuff, I turn it straight over to her. It isn't my place to dole out discipline to her kids. For my kids, she is their babysitter when I am working so her ability to discipline them and her position of authority over them needs to be a constant factor in their lives. So, yes. She corrects them even when she isn't "on the job" as their babysitter. And I don't mind at all.

[littlebug42]

Yes, however, my siblings and I are all extremely close and all share pretty much the same outlook on parenting. I usually expect more from my kids than they do though. If they are doing something wrong, I absolutely want them corrected for it and I trust my siblings to do that.

[IsabelC]

Can you adults discuss it beforehand and agree on how guidance of the children is going to be managed?

[TammyB]

My brother has rarely corrected my children (He's usually the one stirring up their misbehavior!), but it would be fine with me if he did. He is such a laid back, fun-loving guy that if he did, it was needed.

 

Is it possible for you to discuss this with your sister ahead of time? She has put the issue of your kids' behaviour on the table, so it seems to me that she views it as an open topic.

[Rosie_0801]

Mine do. My brother knows us very well so if he wants to correct the kids, it'll probably be justified. My sister isn't as familiar so if she says something I wouldn't, I tell her they're fine and she's ok with that. She's never had much contact with kids so she generally doesn't assume anything. Usually instead of saying anything to the kids she asks, "uh, is she allowed to sit on top of the clothesline?"

 

I did have to get a bit cross with one of dh's friends for being too strict with dd. But dh and I did have a bit of a chuckle when this same friend said he wouldn't let his kid climb the washing line. He might have to if he ends up with a kid like ours :lol:

 

Rosie

[Alice]

I clicked on this thread as I've had issues with this with SIL and BIL. They are both single and spend a lot of time with my kids. They are wonderful and my kids love them but at the same time sometimes they correct them for things that are just not appropriate. It's more BIL who will do things like wrestle with them and get them all riled up and then get upset if one of them doesn't know when to stop and he (BIL) gets hurt. He's like a big kid himself in a way. I've seen my kids look confused because they don't get what they were doing wrong since one minute he's fine with the behaviour and then he isn't. I haven't said anything to him since previously he lived about 8 hours away and visited rarely enough that it wasn't a big deal. Now he's moved up here and sees them a lot more so I may need to find a gentle way to help him see how to deal with a 6 yr old and 3 yr old more appropriately.

 

It's not so much the correcting I mind, it's the not understanding the developmental stage and correcting for things that in my mind he shouldn't.

 

SIL babysits a lot. She is better about understanding what's appropriate but she has different rules than we do. For example, we had an issue where my oldest was upset that she had corrected him because he went outside without asking her and alone. She doesn't want them outside without her where I'm ok with it. What I did there was just explain to ds that he hadn't done anything wrong but that he did need to respect Auntie's rules when she was babysitting and from now on follow them, even though they were different from normal. Maybe you could talk to your kids ahead of time and say something about how you know their Aunt has some stricter rules than you do so if she corrects them for something how to be polite and respectful even if they think they aren't in the wrong. If she corrects them for something in front of you, you could say something like "well, we usually allow that at home but thanks for watching out for X."

 

I'm an only child myself, so no siblings to worry about there. :)

Edited May 5, 2010 by Alice

[Pamela H in Texas]

This isn't an issue for us.

 

However, I think I'd simply talk to your sister.

 

And you can talk to your kids. "Aunt Overstep may correct y'all too much but it's because she loves you. Don't let it upset you if you know it's something I wouldn't think twice about. And it would be a kindness if you can be on your best behavior so as not to worry her too much."

 

We do have a family member that is obnoxious in her own way. One of my kids is a duck but the other is very sensitive. We've often joked about how this family member is (not in an ugly way, of course), kinda preparing them if they are going to see her.

[Blessedfamily]

My siblings and I correct each others' kids. My kids listen to my siblings' correction as if it were me.

 

If they are corrected for something I let them do, I just tell my sibling, " I usually let them do xyz.., so it's OK." No hurt feelings.

 

Really, though, this is hardly an issue because we'll ask, "Does your mother/father allow you to do that?", before we correct.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Blessedfamily

[mom31257]

Thanks for the replies. My sisters and I are very close. We've had sister get togethers without the kids, except nursing babies, every year since 1985. The sister who does it is the one who I've had the most "conflict" with during all the years growing up.

 

I'm not sure I'll talk about it beforehand because that might put a damper on the week before it even starts. I think I will talk with the kids about how to handle it. If she oversteps her bounds, I'll talk to her about it then.

 

She takes everything literally. There is little joking around in their family like the way it is in ours. Her life is pretty stressful. Her dh is OCD and has some serious mental health issues right now. Their son has severe epilepsy with definite signs of autism, but never diagnosed. I feel like her life is so routine and quiet, while ours is louder and rougher around the edge. We do things differently than she does or would, even if her son were developmentally fine.

 

She has definite opinions and shares them. Even on our sister weekends, I sometimes get offended, but keep it to myself to avoid an argument. It's a little more difficult when it involves my kids. I guess momma hens can get their feathers ruffled over their chicks, huh?

 

Thanks again!

[Renee in NC]

Sure, my brother and SIL correct mine when they need it.

 

It was worse when it was my mother because it was constant because she has no idea what children are like (she didn't rear me.)

[3lilreds in NC]

My sister and I correct each other's children only if they are endangering themselves or someone else, or if they're doing something to our kids. I am OK with it though; we have very similar rules, and she is very kind. Her kids are all little so they mostly need lots of looking after and to be snatched up before they, you know, run into Lake Superior after the dog and potentially drown themselves because they're not as tall as they think they are. :) My girls are quite a bit older, so their faults usually lie in trying to parent the younger kids and we have to remind them that they're not the adults.

 

My brother spends less time around my kids (all of us live in different states so it's not like any of us are together that often) and is pretty patient with them. He will stop them if they're trying to "mother" his son, C, or stop the Snort and C when they are being little boys and get carried away.

 

I guess we all just enforce our own boundaries, and they're pretty similar. I have not been offended by any corrections I've seen from my siblings. I sort of expect that other adults will say something to my kids if they're doing something they don't like, and if the kids have questions I will address it. My response is similar to others; the rules might be a little different, but we have to respect them when we're with those people. If they say something that I think is not really applicable to my kids, I will tell them and no one gets offended.

[LisaKinVA]

Something that needs immediate correction... yes (usually younger set, sticking hands/fingers where they don't belong, jumping on furniture, etc.) There was this time I was cooking that my oldest nephew (then 2-3) wanted to taste the batter I was beating (with a mixer). He reached the first time -- I gave a stern "no." The second time, I swatted his little hand away (his mom was standing right next to me).

 

Other things (like how they are dressed, or attitude, or big things), NO. I don't want my siblings correcting my child, I want them to come to me and explain the situation and let me deal with it.

 

When my siblings visit there are anywhere from 11-33 children running around. Adults have to step in wherever necessary -- but mainly for immediate/safety needs.

[forty-two]

My sister isn't as familiar so if she says something I wouldn't, I tell her they're fine and she's ok with that. She's never had much contact with kids so she generally doesn't assume anything. Usually instead of saying anything to the kids she asks, "uh, is she allowed to sit on top of the clothesline?"

:lol: This. I have to remind my sis several times when she visits that it's ok to put a stop to things when she needs a break - she doesn't have to go along with my 3yo's every whim :tongue_smilie:.

[lllll]

..

[rockermom]

My whole family has always disciplined ours with our blessing... until recently. We now have some issues with my nephew's wife. Our youngest (almost 3) basically lives in time out when she's around (she's a 1st grade teacher in PS). He is usually in trouble for hurting her dd (almost 5). Our son doesn't tattle or defend his position, he simply takes his punishment. Her dd tells on him for EVERYTHING and is immediately assumed to be the one in the right. My son is not perfect, but recently several family members have witnessed her hitting, pushing, pinching, biting, etc. and then telling on our boy when he defends himself. Her mom usually only punishes our son even in those circumstances. We're tired of it and have ended up trying to keep the kids apart now unless one of us (his parents) can be in the room with them.

 

Everyone else in our family seems to be pretty fair, but my nephew's wife seems to think her dd does no wrong. We can't even talk to her about it. It's not up for discussion.

 

(My favorite recent example was when her dd ran into the room we were in crying and told her mom "(my ds) hit me back!!" Yes, he was punished by her mom and she was cuddled. :glare:)

 

I'd definitely speak with your dc about the realities and expectations of being around this relative. We're trying with my ds, but I assume it will be better as he matures.

Edited May 5, 2010 by rockermom

[Laurie4b]

Tell her what you wrote here:

 

"Sis, I want to talk ahead of time about how things with my kids will be handled. In the past when we've been together, you've corrected my kids. It bothers me and keeps me from relaxing on vacation. So before we get started, let's talk about how things will be handled. "

 

If there are things your kids do that bother her genuinely, you can agree to take care of those. (for instance, we once vacationed with dh's extended family in a lodge with several bedrooms. Sometime around 6:00 am, s-i-l let her kids loose and they ran all over the place making noise that woke everyone else up. She got no end of ribbing that day.) If there are things she needs to suck up and ignore, that can be clear, too.

[mommaduck]

It's a little difficult when my siblings are spread out in other states ;) However, I have corrected my nieces and nephews from my BIL/SIL (sorry, they are taught to be brats and liars by their parents...I don't tolerate it when it affects my children) and when visiting I did gently correct my niece (knowing that my sister trusted me, would be okay with it, and I spoke with her as soon as she was back in the house).

 

However, in your circumstance, you will be present the entire time, yes? And it won't be her child affecting yours or yours affecting her's? In those cases, if it's petty garbage and nothing major, I would not be happy having my kids constantly corrected for every little thing nor compared to this child or that child...nor would I do it to another person's child.

[Blessedfamily]

Thanks for the replies. My sisters and I are very close. We've had sister get togethers without the kids, except nursing babies, every year since 1985. The sister who does it is the one who I've had the most "conflict" with during all the years growing up.

 

I'm not sure I'll talk about it beforehand because that might put a damper on the week before it even starts. I think I will talk with the kids about how to handle it. If she oversteps her bounds, I'll talk to her about it then.

 

She takes everything literally. There is little joking around in their family like the way it is in ours. Her life is pretty stressful. Her dh is OCD and has some serious mental health issues right now. Their son has severe epilepsy with definite signs of autism, but never diagnosed. I feel like her life is so routine and quiet, while ours is louder and rougher around the edge. We do things differently than she does or would, even if her son were developmentally fine.

 

She has definite opinions and shares them. Even on our sister weekends, I sometimes get offended, but keep it to myself to avoid an argument. It's a little more difficult when it involves my kids. I guess momma hens can get their feathers ruffled over their chicks, huh?

 

Thanks again!

 

You & sis have a situation that goes beyond this one issue. Isn't it funny how the frankest people sometimes have the thinnest skin? And if you normally don't speak up to her, how will she ever realize how she comes across? From now on, you might gently address just the important offenses as they arise.

 

As for the child correction thing when she starts correcting,try, "It's OK. We allow him/her to do that." If you do that repeatedly,(where appropriate), she may get in the habit of asking the child if he/she is allowed to do that.

 

Otherwise, you could set general guidelines such as, "I'll discipline them myself unless they're endangering themselves."

[babysparkler]

Yes, however, my siblings and I are all extremely close and all share pretty much the same outlook on parenting. I usually expect more from my kids than they do though. If they are doing something wrong, I absolutely want them corrected for it and I trust my siblings to do that.

Same here.

[Deece in MN]

My brother has rarely corrected my children (He's usually the one stirring up their misbehavior!), but it would be fine with me if he did. He is such a laid back, fun-loving guy that if he did, it was needed.

 

Is it possible for you to discuss this with your sister ahead of time? She has put the issue of your kids' behaviour on the table, so it seems to me that she views it as an open topic.

 

This sounds like my brother. :)

 

I agree, why not just talk to her about it? I guess that approach depends on your relationship with your sister, but I would take the direct approach over a round about one. If you try to be there to jump in before she can anytime you think she might correct your dc, you will not have any fun as you will be constantly monitoring what your dc are doing. It will create a stressful atmosphere and do more harm than good in the long run I think. JMHO

[Penelope]

My whole family has always disciplined ours with our blessing... until recently. We now have some issues with my nephew's wife. Our youngest (almost 3) basically lives in time out when she's around (she's a 1st grade teacher in PS). He is usually in trouble for hurting her dd (almost 5). Our son doesn't tattle or defend his position, he simply takes his punishment. Her dd tells on him for EVERYTHING and is immediately assumed to be the one in the right. My son is not perfect, but recently several family members have witnessed her hitting, pushing, pinching, biting, etc. and then telling on our boy when he defends himself. Her mom usually only punishes our son even in those circumstances.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that's not good. :(

 

I was going to answer the thread by saying that yes, my siblings can correct my kids that are doing something wrong, but by correct, I mean saying "hey, don't do that, kid", or asking them to apologize for hurting someone, but definitely not doling out punishments. Any further corrections beyond telling them to stop, would be for me to assess.

 

To the OP I would step in the first time she goes to correct one of my kids and say, "Thanks, but I've got it." And if she keeps overstepping the boundary, I'd get firmer and have a talk with her in private.