Talking your little kids "off of the ledge"...

[BikeBookBread]

PDG has a tendency to get wrapped around the axle pretty easily. For example, she got the Usborne "How to Draw Fairies and Mermaids" book for her birthday. (The drawings are very simple line-drawings.) To say she adores mermaids and fairies would be a gross understatement.

 

She sat down to work on a project, and immediately I could see she was starting to get agitated. Twitching her legs, scribbling out her mistakes VERY angrily, whimpering, etc... I encouraged her that this was practice, and something she'd never done before, to be patient, keep trying, etc... She got REALLY, REALLY angry at me and told me that "I'm making her not have any fun." We went round and round for a bit about patience, practice, the meaning of fun (I told her to "put aside the fairy book, PDG, because you aren't having any fun"). She became very sulky and mopey, so I took the book away for a while (not as punishment) and suggested that she go ride her scooter. Mope, pout, mope, frustration, "I CAN'T DRAW OR DO ANYTHING RIGHT...." :( Off to ride her scooter (mopily -- I didn't know this was possible).

 

What do you do when your perfectionist-tendency children get this way? I am to the point that I don't like getting her boxed crafts or example-driven projects because she compares herself, gets frustrated, and the spiral downward continues until she is in tears severely criticizing herself and angry at me. On the other hand, how is she going to learn self control and perseverance if I DON'T provide stuff like this?

 

ETA: She is a very good artist...always has been. Is an artistic personality trait?

[Karen in CO]

One thing I do is do the project with her. I am a terrible artist, but I model mistake making. Thin copy paper is great too so that she can copy the lines in the picture, but watching me try and make mistakes is the most effective.

 

Yoga is also good. We do a deep breathing mountain pose. I ask her to get up and breathe with me. She usually thinks it a terrible idea, but it works.

 

Words and explanations never work for my kids when they are frustrated.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would look for more age appropriate projects for her. This book is recommended for ages 7 and up, so, unless she is precocious in her drawing talent, it will only frustrate her. If she wants to learn drawing skills with fun projects, Usborne's Big Book of Playtime Activities or I Can Draw People (which is in Playtime Activities) is a more age appropriate selection. BTW, I think there is a princess in this book. If you have further questions, feel free to PM me.

[DarlaS]

One thing I do is do the project with her. I am a terrible artist, but I model mistake making. Thin copy paper is great too so that she can copy the lines in the picture, but watching me try and make mistakes is the most effective.

 

Yoga is also good. We do a deep breathing mountain pose. I ask her to get up and breathe with me. She usually thinks it a terrible idea, but it works.

 

Words and explanations never work for my kids when they are frustrated.

 

:iagree:

 

Sit down and draw something truly goofy-looking. :D

[DarlaS]

I would look for more age appropriate projects for her. This book is recommended for ages 7 and up, so, unless she is precocious in her drawing talent, it will only frustrate her. If she wants to learn drawing skills with fun projects, Usborne's Big Book of Playtime Activities or I Can Draw People (which is in Playtime Activities) is a more age appropriate selection. BTW, I think there is a princess in this book. If you have further questions, feel free to PM me.

 

 

These are great suggestions. I have all five of these books. I think they are (or were) also sold as a single volume.

[Goldilocks]

My oldest is like this. Someone reccomended a book that helped, but I can't remember the name of it. What I took away from the book, though, was that I needed to constantly remind my DS that to do anything well we need to practice and stick with it. Before trying ANYTHING I try to remember to mention that this may be hard and will take a lot of practice. (Just like you did, but it helps to go into the project knowing that it will be hard.) Now that he is 9 he is much better, but still a struggle.

[BikeBookBread]

I would look for more age appropriate projects for her. This book is recommended for ages 7 and up, so, unless she is precocious in her drawing talent, it will only frustrate her. If she wants to learn drawing skills with fun projects, Usborne's Big Book of Playtime Activities or I Can Draw People (which is in Playtime Activities) is a more age appropriate selection. BTW, I think there is a princess in this book. If you have further questions, feel free to PM me.

 

Unfortunately, Amazon's recommendation was 5 - 7....I can see (now that I have it in hand) that it is NOT for a brand new 6 year old :glare:

 

Thanks for the other suggestions. One has HORSE on the cover, which may, depending upon the day, rank higher than a mermaid in her little world! :)

Edited February 14, 2010 by BikeBookBread

[kalanamak]

 

What do you do when your perfectionist-tendency children get this way?

 

Someone here told me to get the book Ish

 

http://www.amazon.com/Ish-Peter-H-Reynolds/dp/076362344X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266109835&sr=1-1

 

and it worked!!

 

also, the Ed Emberley thumbprint books are great for littles needing some confidence. You can make oodles of the thumbprints.

[LBC]

I tell my kids that making mistakes is an important part of learning how to do things, and if they don't make mistakes, they won't learn how "not" to do something. This doesn't always diffuse the situation, but the next time they become frustrated, I remind them again about how important it is to make mistakes in order to learn. It's almost a mantra around here.

 

I'm the type of person who always needs to learn from making my own mistakes.:glare:

 

Lori

[missmoe]

In one of the art programs I've used over the years, I learned that on the average a professional artist is only happen with 1 out of 5 completed projects. So for every 5 paintings, drawings, ect, 4 are discarded. That's for a professional! that knows what the heck he's doing! I've been repeating that to my kids ever since.

 

As for help with the perfectionist frustrations, stay calm. I know it's hard, but I found that to be the best for my perfectionist. Also, he isn't allowed to say anything about himself that would be rude to say about someone else. It does get better, but has taken quite a bit of time for my child.

[BikeBookBread]

In one of the art programs I've used over the years, I learned that on the average a professional artist is only happen with 1 out of 5 completed projects. So for every 5 paintings, drawings, ect, 4 are discarded. That's for a professional! that knows what the heck he's doing! I've been repeating that to my kids ever since.

 

As for help with the perfectionist frustrations, stay calm. I know it's hard, but I found that to be the best for my perfectionist. Also, he isn't allowed to say anything about himself that would be rude to say about someone else. It does get better, but has taken quite a bit of time for my child.

 

This is good info...I like the suggestion that PDG can't say anything about herself that would be rude to say about someone else.

[Peela]

My perfectionist son was like that about any sort of game, as well as schoolwork- he wouldnt even attempt art. He has always been a highly emotional child.

I have found with him that too much talking to try and "talk him down" doesn't generally work. I have had to just leave him to his tantrums many thousands of times, and then reconnect when he has calmed down. Finally at 14...I think he might be maturing out it of. When I see teh area he is frustrated in, I look for more appropriate resources or approaches- but there is rarely any point trying while he is upset.

[StephanieZ]

Both my girls went through that *agony* around that age. It lasted at least a year, maybe two. There seemed to be little I could do to assuage it. I sympathized, distracted, and tried not to become a target. It would happen when they were just free-drawing or in any other creative activity. :( My 10yo son did less drawing, so I didn't experience the outbursts so frequently, but he, too suffers from Perfectionist Personality Disorder (our family brand of psych disorder: PPD, lol).

 

I would also try to verbalize for them, "I know it is so frustrating when you cannot make the picture you see (or song you hear) in your mind. . ." I felt like at least overtime, what I said might sink in. . . But, I don't know that anything I said ever helped much.

 

Sorry that I can't help much, but can offer sympathy and some reassurance that with maturity, my girls each achieved an ability to at least prevent their frustration from becoming so overpowering and freewheeling. Hang in there. I think it's just a stage. . . :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Some kids can be taught to shift the focus from the end product to process and feel proud that they are good at practicing! Not saying this is easy to accomplish...

 

Rosie

[Anne]

In addition to the other good suggestions you've gotten, I found discussing this with my perfectionist child at a non-stressed time to be very helpful.

 

You can role-play, talk about ways you deal with mistakes, talk about the goal of arts & crafts, etc. These conversations worked best for my child in small bits, NOT long drawn-out discussions.

 

Anne

[cin]

My oldest dd was like this. VERY moody and self-critical. Beating up on herself, sometimes physically. We took her off artificial food coloring and put her on omega oils. She is MUCH better now. I think that dd is an extreme case, but just thought I'd throw the info out, in case anyone else might benefit from it. ;)

[midwestbelle]

when she was younger. The first one I remember was when she was trying to draw a picture of her Barbie doll and it wasn't coming out right. She got mad and wadded up the paper and threw it across the room. A few times. I just stepped in and told her we were all done drawing and let's go read a book. Later on we discussed practice makes perfect, etc. She still gets frustrated when things don't come out just right, but makes the adjustment and moves on.

[KidsHappen]

I have a dd just like this and she is 10. I don't think she is going to outgrow it. This is the child that had the three hour meltdown due to having to hand draw a nonagon. She is very talented but rarely satisfied because very few things are perfect. It is very difficult to live with. Talents and skills worry me less than her concern about not having a perfect body or perfect skin. I am constantly telling her that no one else is perfect either and that she is beautiful just the way she is but she says, "You have to say that, your my mom!" I am trying to work on teaching her to find the things that she does like and think she is good at and be proud of those things while working on other things she wants to learn and do. I also frequently point out that she is still very young and she has lots of time. Patience and practice is a constant refrain at my house as well.

[Laura Corin]

I didn't find that there was very much I could do at that moment beyond providing hugs, however I did put in a lot of talking time outside of crisis moments. We made 'The Little Engine Who Could' our mascot, and talked a lot about perseverance and patience. I made sure that Hobbes knew when I was trying and failing and trying again at tasks. His brother helped me by pointing out his own difficulties for Hobbes to see.

 

Over time, little by little, Hobbes has become more able to do things with perseverance. I am still careful, however, to assess his physical/developmental skills before setting a task/giving a gift, so as to reduce the number of impossible things that he gets frustrated by.

 

Laura

[LibraryLover]

I'd consider more open-ended projects, at least for now. I don't like boxed craft for young kids for this very reason. Plus, I remember when all the art work in school looked the same: 3 circles on top of each other, a carrot nose, a top hat? lol It was all the same. Except for the kids who clearly hated doing such work: Theirs looked awful and/or often never made it up on the wall. Plus, they got to feel badly about it on top of hating the project.

 

It's more about process and experience at this age. It only has to be something if she wants it to be something. I would look at books about open ended art, experiencing medium etc. Leave the 'has to look like this stuff' for much, much later. Ime, these kids never stop judging their work against others, so minimizing end product, or not showing a sample of the end product is going to be less stressful for them, esp at such a young age.

Edited February 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Caribbean Queen]

I tell my son that his drawings, basketball playing, lego creations, dancing, etc. are good - for a little boy. He is not as skilled as adults who have worked on those skills for years. He can not become a master in one day. If he wants to become an expert, he will have to work on those skills for years. He can get a little more skilled every week. Eventually he will be really good. Perhaps he is not willing to do the work to become an expert ball player or aritist, and that is okay.

 

I think staying very down-to-earth with my son has helped. He usually catches on to things quickly and I don't want him to think that he should be successful at everything without ever trying hard. I don't want him flip out, or give up whenever he realises he isn't a superstar.