Anyone have a teen who does not share your faith? (Heavy CC)

[*********]

I could use some advice, support, or even just an ear. :)

 

My stepdaughter is 15 1/2. She is a sophomore in public school. She lives with her mother about 1/2 hour away, and spends about 1/3 of her time here at dad's house. Her mom and dad were never married, and I've been married to her father since she was 7.

 

She's a very bright girl, gets great grades, is a very talented musician.

 

I love my stepdaughter something fierce. She and I have a good relationship. I'm only 16 years older than her (dh was just 17 when she was born), and we have a relationship that is kinda like, I don't know, more like aunt/niece than mom/daughter.

 

However.

 

Dh and I are very conservative Christians. Dsd's mother is atheist. Dsd is atheist as well. Things have gotten, well, tricky.

 

(Since this is a public forum, I'm going to try to be as discreet as possible here.)

 

Dsd listens to music, watches tv/movies, speaks, dresses, and generally behaves in a way *at her mother's house* that dh and I do not approve of, based on our understanding of scripture (modesty, purity, etc.). Dsd has also chosen a 'lifestyle' for herself that Dh and I do not approve of, again based on our scriptural beliefs. This 'lifestyle choice' will become an even bigger issue in just a few months, when dsd turns 16; her mother has stated than dsd can begin dating then. (DH and I do not approve of 'dating' the way dsd would define it. We favor more a 'courting' ideal, and then only when one is old enough to marry.)

 

While here at dad's house, she does follow the rules of our home. However, they are increasingly 'challenged' by her. She trys to see what she can get away with wearing, saying, doing, etc.

 

However, the biggest hurdle, if you will, is her absolute rejection of Christianity. It's so heart-wrenching. I mean, Dh and I fully recognize that there is nothing we can do to 'make her' be a Christian. We believe that God draws people to him, they respond, repent, and are born again. However, it's such a tricky, exhausting balancing act to decide what is 'making her act like a Christian' and insisting that she follow the rules of our home. It's very important to me that she not feel like we're trying to force her to pretend to be someone/something she's not, while at the same time, guarding our boys from negative influences that could, and frankly do, come from her.

 

I hope I'm making sense. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyone have a situation similar they'd like to share with me about? Any suggestions?

 

I love my stepdaughter. I weep for her, I pray for her, and I make sure I'm just 'there' for her when she needs me. But none of that means I approve of the way she lives her life. None of that changes the fact that I believe she is past the 'age of accountability', if you will, and would go to hell if she died today. And that just rips my heart out. And I know she wishes dad and I would just 'let her be who she is', and 'accept her the way she is'.

 

Ugh. It's so hard. :(

Edited January 6, 2010 by bethanyniez
spelling, as well as adding some for clairty

[Prudent]

No advice, but just a :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Can you turn it into a question of self respect instead of from a Christian view point?

 

A young lady will dress with a bit of decorum if she has respect for her body.

 

A young lady will not swear if she has respect for her advanced vocabulary

 

A young lady with a healthy self respect will respect her family and others beliefs even if she doesn't believe in them.

[*********]

Can you turn it into a question of self respect instead of from a Christian view point?

 

A young lady will dress with a bit of decorum if she has respect for her body.

 

A young lady will not swear if she has respect for her advanced vocabulary

 

A young lady with a healthy self respect will respect her family and others beliefs even if she doesn't believe in them.

 

This is what I try to do, but I just don't feel like I'm doing it *well. I mean, I know that in theory she would agree with these statments. However, her inner drive to 'be herself' or whatever she would call it, causes her to dress, act, and otherwise *be* a way that is, well, less than desireable. At least to dh and I.

[Starr]

I agree with Parrothead. Maybe it's time to bring out the soul, sister. Aretha, I believe it was, sang that song R E S P E C T. :D It sounds like that and a lot of prayer. Don't forget she's a teen. My guess is someday she will really appreciate all of the love you've given her, even the tough love. My great aunt only prayed for my great uncle for 50 years but her prayers were answered. I'll pray yours don't take so long. :grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

When in Rome? Yes, she is her own person and she deserves the respect of being treated as an individual. That being said, she is in your home, under your room and at that time, your guardianship. She does not need to "pretend" to be someone else, she needs to respect the individuals whose home she is in. She needs to be courtious and respectful.

 

I think the religious ideals are almost covering the very basic principal. When you are in someone else's home you respect their rules. No matter where you are, you should be courtious.

[Renee in NC]

My biggest thing with my 16yo is that he respect that he is a role model for his 6 younger brothers and sisters and needs to always remember that. I can respect that he has different beliefs than I do (makes me very sad, but I'd rather have honesty than pretending.)

 

I am having trouble trying to get specific because I don't know what your rules are. Are you dresses only and don't want her wearing pants? Or is she wearing halter tops and you want her belly covered? Is she swearing around your other dc? Is she arguing with you over TV on a regular basis?

 

I can see limiting her influence on young, impressionable children, but you can't expect a non-Christian to act as a very conservative Christian just because she is in your home, especially considering that she doesn't live with you.

[Chris in VA]

We are a clergy family. Ds is an atheist. Sort of. Believes in a higher power for AA, prays but not to a creator god.

Yeah.

 

Anyway, since coming home from treatment, I have got to hand it to him--he shows us a lot of respect. He doesn't go to church except to see friends (old and young) at coffee hour, but he did dress up in a suit and come to Christmas Eve service. That's more than my other ds, who is a Christian, did.

He holds our hands during grace and is quiet. He doesn't dispute our beliefs, and we do get into discussions about his own beliefs from time to time.

 

I suggest you leave her relationship up to her and God. It's one of the hardest letting-go things EVER, but just continue to show her love and respect, kindness, goodness, the whole Fruit of the Spirit. Let her see Christianity is not a set of rules and rituals only, but a relationship. I'm sure you do that already, based on this post and others I've read from you.

 

Having standards she must meet but may not agree with is simply good training for the real world. You are not trying to make her a Christian, it's just the only descriptive term she knows for the behaviours you are expecting. There ARE others--and if you can pull them out, so much the better. It's NOT just Christians who have those standards.

 

Just keep going to the Throne of God with her in your prayers. I literally raise my hands to God with my son "in" them--He belongs to God--Not that I don't want him, but I can't save him, give him what he needs, prescribe his path, etc. Giving him to the Lord was the best thing I ever, ever did. May you find peace as you give her up. It's not the same as giving up on her.

[Harriet Vane]

Most of my siblings are non-Christian. The one who considers herself Christian has struggled mightily over the years with what she believes. I have been very much a mother figure to my siblings, especially one of the youngest in particular.

 

As I watched each of them make difficult, sinful choices, I learned through painful experience, and often only AFTER I had hurt them terribly, to NOT FUSS about behaviors or clothing.

 

When my sister dyed her hair blue for months, then bright fuchsia for even longer, I did NOT criticize. At all.

 

When that same sister contemplated piercing her tongue, I DID provide some factual information about the damage and infection that accompanies that. I did not make it a moral issue.

 

The reason it was (and continues to be) best not to make moral issues of these things is that they have not agreed to live in relationship with God. I have no right to expect them to live by standards with which they disagree. The only basis I have for discussion has to be based on real, factual consequences--like STDs.

 

The other reason it is best not make moral issues of these things is that the focus needs to be on the relationship with God. Lectures and rules and disapproval of clothing only distracts from an honest discussion about their heart and their need for God.

 

You will never, ever win the arguments about clothes and such based on YOUR religious principles. Such discussions will only drive a wedge between you and will distract her from being able to discuss God in a real way with you.

[BMW]

My own dd is 19 and believes the Bible is truth, but isn't living it out... that is hard.

 

I am on my 3rd teen daughter right now... it is hard, even when we are all of the same faith to deal with those issues. I like to say, "No, we are not listening to that music." and "No, you may not wear that." But, it is much more difficult than that, isn't it?

 

In the end, it is about respect and relationship. You have to have specific rules that are not negotiable, in my opinion. Then, she should respect those rules. And most important is the relationship. You will have a lot to "judge" over the years... she will need to know that you care more about her as a person than her skinny jeans or favorite musician...

 

In my house, they do not wear short shorts. I compromise a bit on what I find modest, but that has been my choice. I will not negotiate swearing or inappropriate jokes. I draw the line there and they have consequences... that is a big matter of respect!

 

Love covers a lot... isn't there scripture that Love covers a multitude of sins? Have your defining rules that are specific, and cover the rest with love.

[Parrothead]

This is what I try to do, but I just don't feel like I'm doing it *well. I mean, I know that in theory she would agree with these statments. However, her inner drive to 'be herself' or whatever she would call it, causes her to dress, act, and otherwise *be* a way that is, well, less than desireable. At least to dh and I.

Sounds like a discussion of what she thinks herself to be.

Does she think she is trampy? No, well, why dress that way?

Does she think she is hip? Well, how can a young lady her age be hip and respectful?

Does she think she is bit bohemian? Again, how can a young lady be both what she thinks she is and be respectful to herself and other?

[Heather in WI]

Gosh, your dsd sounds like me at that age. Except that I chose to live with my bio-dad.

 

You sound like a wonderful step-mother! Just keep the lines of communication open with her. My mother was able to always "be there for me" without condoning my lifestyle. I actually grew to respect my mom and step-dad more because of their standards.

 

And, at the age of 22, after years of atheism and then dabbling in New Age philosophy (among other things), I became a Christian! There is always hope. :)

 

A book you might consider for her is A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit. I thought it was a fantastic argument for modesty from a feminist perspective.

[tex-mex]

Just my 2 cents... and lots of :grouphug::grouphug:!!

 

I was not raised in a Christian home. Neither was hubby. Our take is from attending Christian college (we were dorm parents) and our relationship with those who were raised in a Christian home. We had tons of PK and MK kids who would party and sow their oats before settling down.

 

Lots of kids do push the "boundaries" and test you. That is normal. There will be moments when even your faith is questioned. I know of 2 dear friends who were full time missionaries overseas and they had one son who always questioned their faith -- turns out he walked away from it as an adult. He came back to it 20 years later when he was 38. Happens more than you think.

 

I think the worst thing you can do is to force your views on dsd. It would cause her to reject you and the Gospel -- because she is in rebellion. But that rebellion is not always going to be there. Maturity will kick in. She will compare her journey to what she has experienced with your household and hopefully will be open to the Gospel. I don't know what else to say. Just continue to pray for her. We do not become our parent's "clone" in beliefs or thoughts or careers. Your dsd is going to have different POV -- but that doesn't mean you judge her or think less of her. You love her as Christ loves us. She is a unique creation. She will be amazed to see your acceptance and unconditional love speak volumes in her life. We are individually responsible to the choices in life that we make before God. You cannot control her.

Edited January 6, 2010 by tex-mex

[tex-mex]

Most of my siblings are non-Christian. The one who considers herself Christian has struggled mightily over the years with what she believes. I have been very much a mother figure to my siblings, especially one of the youngest in particular.

 

As I watched each of them make difficult, sinful choices, I learned through painful experience, and often only AFTER I had hurt them terribly, to NOT FUSS about behaviors or clothing.

 

When my sister dyed her hair blue for months, then bright fuchsia for even longer, I did NOT criticize. At all.

 

When that same sister contemplated piercing her tongue, I DID provide some factual information about the damage and infection that accompanies that. I did not make it a moral issue.

 

The reason it was (and continues to be) best not to make moral issues of these things is that they have not agreed to live in relationship with God. I have no right to expect them to live by standards with which they disagree. The only basis I have for discussion has to be based on real, factual consequences--like STDs.

 

The other reason it is best not make moral issues of these things is that the focus needs to be on the relationship with God. Lectures and rules and disapproval of clothing only distracts from an honest discussion about their heart and their need for God.

 

You will never, ever win the arguments about clothes and such based on YOUR religious principles. Such discussions will only drive a wedge between you and will distract her from being able to discuss God in a real way with you.

 

:iagree: And I do know of some Christians who dress like this and are completely sold out to Christ in a powerful way. They dress differently, but do not drink or do drugs. I don't judge them but admire them for reaching out to the population (i.e. Hollywood) in ministry.

[HSMom2One]

...I suggest you leave her relationship up to her and God. It's one of the hardest letting-go things EVER, but just continue to show her love and respect, kindness, goodness, the whole Fruit of the Spirit. Let her see Christianity is not a set of rules and rituals only, but a relationship. I'm sure you do that already, based on this post and others I've read from you.

 

Having standards she must meet but may not agree with is simply good training for the real world. You are not trying to make her a Christian, it's just the only descriptive term she knows for the behaviours you are expecting. There ARE others--and if you can pull them out, so much the better. It's NOT just Christians who have those standards.

 

Just keep going to the Throne of God with her in your prayers. I literally raise my hands to God with my son "in" them--He belongs to God--Not that I don't want him, but I can't save him, give him what he needs, prescribe his path, etc. Giving him to the Lord was the best thing I ever, ever did. May you find peace as you give her up. It's not the same as giving up on her.

 

:iagree:

I agree with Chris. This precious soul is being sent your way for a purpose and you have the opportunity to demonstrate the love of God to her. You have no idea how powerful that message is, in fact it may be years before you find out how much of an influence you are being right now. Do remember the power of prayer, stand firm on those non-negotiable standards in your home and keep loving her no matter how ugly the teen years get.

 

I'd only add that being the step parent, it is really best to remain quiet and demonstrate the message of Christ in your behavior rather than share a lot of opinions. I learned this valuable lesson the hard way with my two older step sons. I'd give anything to be able to go back and have some do-overs!

 

...In the end, it is about respect and relationship. You have to have specific rules that are not negotiable, in my opinion. Then, she should respect those rules. And most important is the relationship. You will have a lot to "judge" over the years... she will need to know that you care more about her as a person than her skinny jeans or favorite musician...

 

In my house, they do not wear short shorts. I compromise a bit on what I find modest, but that has been my choice. I will not negotiate swearing or inappropriate jokes. I draw the line there and they have consequences... that is a big matter of respect!

 

Love covers a lot... isn't there scripture that Love covers a multitude of sins? Have your defining rules that are specific, and cover the rest with love.

 

:iagree: Well spoken, great wisdom.

 

...You sound like a wonderful step-mother! Just keep the lines of communication open with her. My mother was able to always "be there for me" without condoning my lifestyle. I actually grew to respect my mom and step-dad more because of their standards.

 

And, at the age of 22, after years of atheism and then dabbling in New Age philosophy (among other things), I became a Christian! There is always hope. :)

 

:iagree:

Again, this is real wisdom, and from someone's true life experience. One thing I've learned to be true as well is not to judge the full situation based only on what is heard and seen. Things are NOT always as they appear. Where she may act out in ways that are upsetting, frustrating, offensive, maddening, etc. inside she may be just longing to be set straight, waiting for final proof that what you are saying is the truth and that you do love and care for her. I learned that when my dss was yelling at me, he was really angry with himself more than me. My pastor helped me see that, and I was able to get through the situation with much more confidence. I was the target because I was the messenger. Again, as the stepmother, you have to be careful where to tread. But do hold on to hope and faith and keep praying, oh keep on praying!

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[OHGrandma]

She must be about the same age as her parents were when she was conceived? And your husband has probably changed a great deal from the time he was that age?

I'd think this is something your husband should address with her, explain his decision to become a Christian, to follow a different path than when he was 17. He's going to have to show her the benefits of his and your lifestyle. Showing too much negative toward her choices not only will make her feel unaccepted but also paint her mother in a negative light.

Continue to pray for her, love her, and show her positive things.

[Joanne]

If you are from a courting perspective, I am going to assume that for mainstream kids, even mainstream Christian kids, your perspective is statistically unlikely, rare and percieved as extreme.

 

I'd encourage you to step out of your view and determine if her thinking, dress and behavior is extreme for current popular culture. If it's in line with what teens do today (and MOST of them are not extreme, but might seem so juxtaposed against many families here), I would leave the lifestyle alone and be there as an adult who has been a teen.

 

I can also tell you as a child who wandered that I would never have returned to a God that would send me to hell; salvation after death was not why I returned to Jesus.

 

You might want to read Why Christian Kids Rebel by Kimmel. Also Families Where Grace is in Place.

[*********]

I can also tell you as a child who wandered that I would never have returned to a God that would send me to hell; salvation after death was not why I returned to Jesus.

 

I'm sorry Joanne, I don't understand what you meant by saying this.

 

Could you explain?

[Joanne]

I'm sorry Joanne, I don't understand what you meant by saying this.

 

Could you explain?

 

I never would have been motivated by "spending eternity with Jesus" or the threat of spending eternity in hell.

 

I do not want to get into my end of life theology on this forum;) but I did want to say that living abundantly on earth with Jesus is what wooed me back to him. It was hell on earth that motivated me, not the threat of hell after my time here.

[OnTheBrink]

You've gotten some great advice already, but I'll share what I did with my adult son. My situation is a bit different than yours, but I think some principles can be applied to your situation, too.

 

First of all, your home--your rules. And, expect them to be challenged. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that Dsd is challenging the rules at her mother's home, too, but most likely in a different way. It's part of the age. It's not acceptable to be disrespectful, rude, or defiant, but it's common and I'd have your DH speak to her about any negative behaviors.

 

With that said, you do need to accept her as she is. If she feels unaccepted, she'll always be on the defensive and there will be walls put up. You want a true salvation for her, not a false one, so love her as she is this minute and pray for her salvation. Don't try to force her into accepting Christ because you're afraid for her. That will backfire. Big time.

 

So, enforce your rules while she's at your house, whether it's rules for appropriate dress, behavior, chores, whatever and realize that she is unsaved and behave as such. Set the example of true love before her in how you relate to her, to her dad, to her step-siblings. And pray. And don't get in a dither over what goes on at her mother's house (provided it's nothing illegal or abusive, naturally) because there's nothing you can do about it. And pray.

 

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

What does she do and what would you like her to do?

 

What does she wear, and what would you like her to wear?

 

Is there a middle road that you all can feel good about?

 

We are all atheists here, but my dds dress very modestly of their own accord. My 17 yr old has never dated, fi, & my girls would never wear clothing that shows their bum or their tummies. But they wear jeans and they do not cover their heads, although their hair is very long.

 

What do you wish she would do/wear? She's never been on a date, right? So it seems she is not so far gone, yes? Or no? Is she mean to your own children?

 

Is there a middle ground you could live with, or no? Could she mostly live with her mom, and just have dinner with you on Sunday so she won't disrupt your family or could your dh see her outside your home if she is disruptive to your lifestyle?

[Danestress]

That's a bad title, I know. You can't separate out your faith from much if it's really your faith, because it informs your every thought.

 

But I bet every single rule that you would like your step-daughter to follow can be justified in a way that isn't just "scripture says so." God loves us, and he wants the best for us, and the best is best for a reason. There are really good reasons for why it's best for us to follow (just as an example) the ten commandments. I understand that you don't need any reason other than scripture, but your step-daughter might follow your standards better if you prayed to understand why what is best is best.

 

For example, even apart from "it pleases God," there are very good reasons for why it is better for girls to wait until they are older before they become entangled in s@xual relations. There are very good reasons for dressing modestly, holding one's tongue, speaking the truth and making peace with your neighbors. Yes, scripture gives us those directives, but don't you think God knows us inside and out and knows why those things will lead to happiness for us more than other behaviors? You love your step-daughter. You want her to be happy. God loves your step-daughter. He is perfect, you aren't, his ways are perfect, yours aren't. But even so, you are asking your DSD to defer to your desire in these things not because you are a control freak, but because you believe it is the best way for her to live the best, most fulfilled life she can even if she does not accept your faith. Can you tell her why your standards are more likely to lead to her ultimate happiness whether she is a Christian or not?

[Willow]

Sorry this is going to sound blunt, but be careful

 

Do not drive them so far away they run off and join a cult. They must know you love them whatever they wear, however they date. Or they will find that love elsewhere, in a love bombing session from a cult.

 

Cults are real, they are out there, and they seem great to your teen when they are against everything you believe in.

 

yes this is the voice of experience.

 

Willow.

[WishboneDawn]

Dsd listens to music, watches tv/movies, speaks, dresses, and generally behaves in a way *at her mother's house* that dh and I do not approve of, based on our understanding of scripture (modesty, purity, etc.). Dsd has also chosen a 'lifestyle' for herself that Dh and I do not approve of, again based on our scriptural beliefs. This 'lifestyle choice' will become an even bigger issue in just a few months, when dsd turns 16; her mother has stated than dsd can begin dating then. (DH and I do not approve of 'dating' the way dsd would define it. We favor more a 'courting' ideal, and then only when one is old enough to marry.)

 

It's sounds like a culture clash. :)

 

Is there anyway you guys can sit down with her mother and explain what's been happening and ask for her help on this? Explain that you really don't want to push your beliefs on her, that this is a behaviour issue. You know it may be hard for DS to deal with such different rules in your house but you want to keep the family life consistent for her and your other children. If her mom could present a united front on this it would be a huge help for you.

 

In the talk I wouldn't bring up your faith or church or God too much. Substitute "conservative" for "Christian" or even try a humourous self-depriciating term like "hidebound fuddy-duddies" (that's the Canuck approach to these things anyway :)) to make it clear this isn't confrontational and you aren't being holier-than-thou (some folks who aren't religious can be ultra-sensitive when religious folk talk about their own values or lifestyles. Heck, I can be sensitive when talking to more conservative Christians on those subjects and take simple statement as judgements of myself).

 

Also, before you get to far ask her mom what you guys can do that would be supportive of what she's doing with her daughter. Of course you can't let your DSS date when she's at your house but maybe you can have a boyfriend over for a meal, check out his character and so help her mom keep tabs. Ask if there's anything you might be saying to your DSS that may be causing trouble or conflict in her house. Who knows? There may be something you've been doing with the best of intentions that's causing some conflict for her.

 

In short, I'd deal with this by closing ranks with her mom if possible. Your DSS needs to know that despite the differences in the households the parents are still on the same page in terms of the respect owed to all her parents. Especially now as she's becoming a young women. Done right, you guys could actually give her a huge gift and advantage in that she'll be familiar with two very different worlds and have both to draw on as she goes through life.

[Mommyfaithe]

We are a clergy family. Ds is an atheist. Sort of. Believes in a higher power for AA, prays but not to a creator god.

Yeah.

 

Anyway, since coming home from treatment, I have got to hand it to him--he shows us a lot of respect. He doesn't go to church except to see friends (old and young) at coffee hour, but he did dress up in a suit and come to Christmas Eve service. That's more than my other ds, who is a Christian, did.

He holds our hands during grace and is quiet. He doesn't dispute our beliefs, and we do get into discussions about his own beliefs from time to time.

 

I suggest you leave her relationship up to her and God. It's one of the hardest letting-go things EVER, but just continue to show her love and respect, kindness, goodness, the whole Fruit of the Spirit. Let her see Christianity is not a set of rules and rituals only, but a relationship. I'm sure you do that already, based on this post and others I've read from you.

 

Having standards she must meet but may not agree with is simply good training for the real world. You are not trying to make her a Christian, it's just the only descriptive term she knows for the behaviours you are expecting. There ARE others--and if you can pull them out, so much the better. It's NOT just Christians who have those standards.

 

Just keep going to the Throne of God with her in your prayers. I literally raise my hands to God with my son "in" them--He belongs to God--Not that I don't want him, but I can't save him, give him what he needs, prescribe his path, etc. Giving him to the Lord was the best thing I ever, ever did. May you find peace as you give her up. It's not the same as giving up on her.

 

:iagree: My kids are not in a split home situation and we are still facing these issues with our older set. (The 2 next to oldest in particular as oldest is married and much more mature.) I need to remind my 18 and 20 year olds that they are role models for the youngers BUT their relationship with the Lord is their relationship...not mine. They KNOW how they were raised and to WHOM they were dedicated at birth...however....raising children in a Christian home does not guarantee a Christian child. Taking them to Sunday school doesn't guarantee it...all the RULES in the world does not guarantee it...homeschooling doesn't guarantee it....

 

I BELIEVE God's Word about training them in the way they should go...andd that He would love thos who love Hime to the thousandth generation.

 

BUT: I did not come from a Christian family...and when I grew up I went to Yeshivas (Religous schools for jewish children) I studied the Torah 3 hours a day. I WON A Brucha (Prayer) bee in 7th grade. I wore skirts and dresses...I wore long sleeves in summer. My teachers were rabbi's and their wives. When I became a Christian it was a BIG DEAL!!!! I do not negate my Jewishness. I am still Jewish even though my family does not see it that way (You are one of them>???? They KILL US!!!!)

 

So, I have learned that it is God's infinite lov that draws him to us...and we need to display unconditional love to draw our children to us as well. I do not allow my older children to ruin what I am trying to accomplish with my youngers...and they want my younger children (their siblings) to have just as sweet of a child hood as they had...BUT now I ask them to wear their adult pants and be respectful of our family. They can have their own thoughts and desires...but when they are home, they need to be as squeaky clean as possible.

 

My advice...Love her. Let her know her ground rules in your home...treat her ideas with respect and she needs to respect you as well. Love covers a multitude of sin.

 

When I am with my family, I respect their views. I respect their religiosity. I do not have my 3 year old stand on the table and sing "Jesus loves Me." They know where I am at...and in whom I believe. If they want to know more I am approachable and ready to answer. I have not elevated my status in their eyes.

 

 

Sorry for the ramble.

HTH a little bit and gives you a bit of a different perspective.

 

Blessings,

Faithe

[Melinda in VT]

I may be reading too much into the wording of your original post, but the use of the term 'lifestyle' (in quotes) makes me wonder if you are talking about sexual orientation.

 

If your daughter self-identifies as lesbian, I would not expect her to have to hide that from you or her younger brothers. Even if it goes against your religious beliefs.

 

Again, I may be reading your post entirely wrong, so please just ignore if this doesn't apply.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

Love is more important than rules. Love her above all else.

 

My oldest dsd (now 30) was so afraid of what we would say/do/treat her/judge her when she got her first tattoo. (yes she has several) She was a teenage and we did not approve!!! She approached us with defensive defiance when she got to our house. However, hugging her and being excited she was with us was first and foremost, while the tattoos fell way down the list. We did discuss them. But loving her was the most important thing.

 

We've now faced a similar situation... she's living with her boyfriend. She decided not to come to our house for Christmas because she knows we do not approve. HOWEVER... once again, we let her know that we are happy she's found someone and in our opinion they need to get married but no matter what she does we love HER more than anything.

 

She lives in a different state so we don't see her very often, but talk to her on the phone all the time and email/facebook all the time.

 

Keep the doors to a good relationship with her as an adult wide open. Do that by focusing on loving her and not focusing on rules.