babysparkler Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) I am up doing laundry while my family sleeps. I am a VERY even-tempered, patient person, but I am finding myself too frustrated and angry to sleep right now. MIL/FIL are staying with us for the week from out of state and tonight just before they went to bed we were talking about my 4 kids. Then out of the blue they said something about how worried they are about babysitting for DH and I in March for a weekend (Sat. morning through Mon. morning) that he and I will be going away on a short business trip. The thing is... it was an OPTIONAL trip, one that we wouldn't have chosen to take if they had given us ANY HINT of being unsure or worried that they could handle all 4 kids. We gave them months to think it over, and made it extremely clear that it was optional and that we didn't want them to say yes if they felt like it was too much. They very enthusiastically said that they would come that weekend to babysit, so we booked our flights and they booked theirs. Now, two months later, tonight, they told me that they are worried that they won't be able to handle all 4... and it became clear that this is the beginning of their passive-aggressive guilt-trip that they are known for. Why did I let us fall into this trap once again!? I should have known better than to even ask them. Now, for the next 3 months I am going to have to hear comments slipped into conversations, when I least expect it, that will make me angry that they find it IMPOSSIBLE to just be honest and tell me "no"... and making me feel like the one that causes them so much stress. They do this all in a "June Cleaver" disguise that even the most cold-hearted person wouldn't be able to confront... let alone my own people-pleasing self. Cancelling the trip is no longer an option. I toyed with the idea of hiring my babysitter to come stay with them for the weekend (I should have just hired her alone in the first place) or sending one or two of the kids to friends' houses for the 2 days... I don't know. At least I know one thing, I will never ask them to babysit my kids again. Edited December 22, 2009 by babysparkler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I can take the meanest ol' nasty comments, but this passive-aggressive stuff makes me want to find a picture and stick pins in their eyes. Four kids in their own home? Are the ancient? Disabled? Can you ask hubby to have a chat with them to straighten up and fly right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 :grouphug: How frustrating! I'm sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 That sounds aweful! I am so sorry! I would recommend just hiring the babysitter for that weekend and since these are in-laws, have your DH let them know they are off the hook and don't need to babysit after all. No more stress and you won't have to worry about it any more. My mother specialized in this sort of passive-aggresive garbage, so I can really feel for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 I can take the meanest ol' nasty comments, but this passive-aggressive stuff makes me want to find a picture and stick pins in their eyes. Four kids in their own home? Are the ancient? Disabled? Can you ask hubby to have a chat with them to straighten up and fly right? It will be in our home (though they stay with us every other month for a week at a time, so they are "at home" when they are here). They are retired, but very capable... but they only had 2 kids and they were 8 years apart, so it was like having one at a time. They are the most uptight people I know... you know the kind that you can FEEL your blood pressure rising just being around them? They constantly mention how "flexible" and "easy-going" they are:lol:. My SIL and I get a good laugh when we hear them use those words to describe themselves, because they are no where close to being those things. (BTW, I feel like the biggest heathen talking badly about them... I love them dearly, I just can't stand the way they are... and need to get this off my chest.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staceyobu Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I could have written your post about three months ago but with my own parents and a concert instead of a business trip. I can relate to how you feel. The passive aggressive stuff drives me nuts. I sympathize... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Wow. Well, were it me, I'd make other arrangements now. Dh could let his parents know that you both didn't want to cause them undue worry and stress, so you've made other plans and the kids are really excited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I would be curious as to if your kids were particularly rambunctious tonight or this weekend so as to make them reconsider the babysitting agreement. (Note - I don't know your children so please don't get upset that I'm questioning whether this might be the case!) If that was a problem then I would consider whether there needed to be some training in the family so that the ILs could take them for the agreed on time. If not - 1. I would talk to your babysitter. Could she come on those dates to take care of all 4 children? How much would it cost? 2. Would your ILs be willing to split the cost of the babysitter since they are pulling out of an agreed babysitting stint? (I might be tempted to put some passive-aggressive pressure on them to at least help you out financially). 3. Could you find 2 families to take 2 kids each? I would sit down with dh and your ILs and have dh do the talking. I would want them to understand that you need to be able to trust that when they say yes to something that they are going to follow through 100 percent (barring a legitimate emergency of course). Then I would tell them that they lost your trust at this point. This is straight communication that is not passive-aggressive. It is respectful and honest even if it might be uncomfortable for you and them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Or... could you not send 2 kids to friends' homes, and that way they only have the other 2 to watch? They already booked their flight... so if they booked the kind that you can't get your money back on, they're likely to show up anyhow. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Some people must be brought up to always do what is expected, what they ''have" to do. I can't stand when people answer a request with what they think you want them to say or with what they think they ought to say. IF I ASK A QUESTION I WANT YOUR REAL ANSWER!! (sorry to scream...this makes me nuts!) Growing up I always expressed myself and could depend on my Mom and Dad to mean what they said. Well, my dad remarried after my mom's death and his wife is very caught up in what is expected. For example, my dad wants to have his kids over for his birthday...he will ask her 'is this okay?', she says 'of course' and then gripes/frets endlessly. When questioned about 'why did you say yes,' she'll say 'I had to say yes'. :tongue_smilie: (No, you could've said no and then someone else would've hosted or we would've gone to a restaurant and had a good time!) If another sitter situation is available, I vote you go for it. I'm not sure I could be away wondering what was going on back home. If your in laws still want to visit, maybe a sitter could come in during the day or be 'on call' if they get overwhelmed. Or the kids could spend the days with friends and basically just sleep at home. Good luck...I feel your pain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 I would be curious as to if your kids were particularly rambunctious tonight or this weekend so as to make them reconsider the babysitting agreement. (Note - I don't know your children so please don't get upset that I'm questioning whether this might be the case!) If that was a problem then I would consider whether there needed to be some training in the family so that the ILs could take them for the agreed on time. No offense taken :001_smile:... no, our kids are so amazingly easy to take care of... very obedient & respectful, and beyond their years in maturity & helpfulness (for which I am so grateful!!!) so I know it isn't the kids. They can practically take care of themselves (though, my 2yo is so "mature" that he likes to change his own diapers and help himself to the cereal cabinet, so I could understand any hesitation with him:lol:) Or... could you not send 2 kids to friends' homes, and that way they only have the other 2 to watch? They already booked their flight... so if they booked the kind that you can't get your money back on, they're likely to show up anyhow. Just a thought. That is what I am leaning towards at the moment... sending the older two away and leaving them with just the 4 & 2 yo's. I know that they wouldn't be able to change their flights, so this is probably my best option for everyone. They would never "back out of it" in the sense where they would make that decision... they just try to make me so uncomfortable that I pull the plug and find other arrangements (for which I would never live down the blame in the most hidden of ways). I appreciate everyone's support... it is nice to have a place to vent and be understood! :grouphug: Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) IF I ASK A QUESTION I WANT YOUR REAL ANSWER!! (sorry to scream...this makes me nuts!) Growing up I always expressed myself and could depend on my Mom and Dad to mean what they said. Well, my dad remarried after my mom's death and his wife is very caught up in what is expected. For example, my dad wants to have his kids over for his birthday...he will ask her 'is this okay?', she says 'of course' and then gripes/frets endlessly. When questioned about 'why did you say yes,' she'll say 'I had to say yes'. YES! You know how I feel! They will offer to take us out to dinner, and I will say "Where does everyone want to go?" They will say "Whatever you want... we will be happy anywhere." BUT, if I pick the wrong place, it will be constant and subtle complaints during dinner: "I'm not very hungry tonight so I am just going to have a salad."... "Hmmm, they use iceberg lettuce instead of romaine."... "I will have my cup of coffee at home."... "This chair is not very comfortable." And it doesn't stop there... for the next two days we get to hear about how that meal didn't agree with them and they aren't feeling well. I think this is the clue that I'm supposed to write this restaurant down on the "don't go" list... and somehow if I am wrong, then "not going there anymore" will be read by them as a restaurant I don't like, so they will go out of their way next time to avoid that one without me knowing why... if that makes sense. And if I am right and they don't like it there, then it will still be blamed on me, not them. Edited December 22, 2009 by babysparkler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 Okay... I'm off to bed. GNight! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I personally understand and "support" the feeling of being unwilling, reluctant or less than enthusiastic about watching 4 kids while in the grandparent season of life.:001_huh: But I agree that their communication and lack of authenticity is a problem. You are right to never put yourself in this situation with them again as they will not change that dynamic (without willingness and possibly outside help). Let them off the hook and hire a sitter. But, also do it because it's the right thing and try not to be passive/aggressive about it on your end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soph the vet Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I have a suggestion. We did this for our friends whose parents were babysitting their 3 kids for a whole week! Their parents are probably older and little more fragile than your in-laws. While the grandparents were there, we had the kids come over for long playdates every day (us and another family) to give the grandparents a daily break. So they still had the kids for dinner and to put to bed and breakfast, but the rest of the daytime hours they were occupied elsewhere. Maybe you could arrange that with a couple of friends? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pongo Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Oh my, sounds like my lovely MIL:glare: I have learned to toss it back at her, with a smile and as sweet as pie manner. If she had said," Well, I a getting worried about handling the kids, during your trip" My response, " Oh really, I thought you would have no problem, I'll call my friend and have them go to their friends home or hire a sitter for an extra pair of hands. I would never want it to be too much for you". Smile...wait for it.....wait for it.....in true passive aggressive fashion the answer is: "Oh, no we'll be fine, no please don't call anyone, we can handle it" Reply, " OK, but if I hear you say it again I will call, I don't ever want to put to much stress on you". Done.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Closeacademy Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 We had this problem. My dh and I go on a company trip every year. What finally worked for us is I threatened and followed through on having someone else watch the children. Dm was so unhappy with that situation that she now happily watches the children without complaint now.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 :iagree: I personally understand and "support" the feeling of being unwilling, reluctant or less than enthusiastic about watching 4 kids while in the grandparent season of life.:001_huh: But I agree that their communication and lack of authenticity is a problem. You are right to never put yourself in this situation with them again as they will not change that dynamic (without willingness and possibly outside help). Let them off the hook and hire a sitter. But, also do it because it's the right thing and try not to be passive/aggressive about it on your end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Cancelling the trip is no longer an option. I toyed with the idea of hiring my babysitter to come stay with them for the weekend (I should have just hired her alone in the first place) or sending one or two of the kids to friends' houses for the 2 days... I don't know. At least I know one thing, I will never ask them to babysit my kids again. In the bold...that is what I would do. If this was a week-long thing, I wouldn't make that recommendation, but Sat. a.m. through Monday is short enough that if you divided them up that wouldn't be hard on anyone and they'd still have a sibling to make them feel comfortable. Honestly, I would do all I could to not let your ILs watch them at this point. Get everything lined out smoothly then let them know they don't need to come. If this is their pattern, I just wouldn't play into it, if at all possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cougarmom4 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Oh my, sounds like my lovely MIL:glare: I have learned to toss it back at her, with a smile and as sweet as pie manner. If she had said," Well, I a getting worried about handling the kids, during your trip" My response, " Oh really, I thought you would have no problem, I'll call my friend and have them go to their friends home or hire a sitter for an extra pair of hands. I would never want it to be too much for you". Smile...wait for it.....wait for it.....in true passive aggressive fashion the answer is: "Oh, no we'll be fine, no please don't call anyone, we can handle it" Reply, " OK, but if I hear you say it again I will call, I don't ever want to put to much stress on you". Done.:D This is perfect. I wish I could think of things like this in the heat of the battle. If I were the betting type, I'd wager that if you tell her you've made other arrangements/or are about to, that mil will change her tune very quickly and be all willing again. I love the last remark--if I hear you say it again, I will call someone else...that is awesome. My mil is very similar...only that it is when something wasn't her idea she suddenly 'can't handle it'...but if she is the one who came up with the idea, she's all ready to do it. I don't get it. But I have learned to NEVER count on the inlaws for a babysitting situation. Never again if it is important to me. A few years back for our 10-year anniversary we were going to go camping for a few days and they were going to watch our kids. Yep...the day before, she suddenly 'couldn't handle it.' I was just thankful we hadn't made any plane or hotel reservations...because we had nobody else to call on last minute. Good luck! At least you have a few months notice and you can make other arrangements...although I understand that is much more stressful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Being the passive agressive person that I am I would probably go ahead and make other plans but not tell them. Then you can play the game too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I am up doing laundry while my family sleeps. I am a VERY even-tempered, patient person, but I am finding myself too frustrated and angry to sleep right now. MIL/FIL are staying with us for the week from out of state and tonight just before they went to bed we were talking about my 4 kids. Then out of the blue they said something about how worried they are about babysitting for DH and I in March for a weekend (Sat. morning through Mon. morning) that he and I will be going away on a short business trip. The thing is... it was an OPTIONAL trip, one that we wouldn't have chosen to take if they had given us ANY HINT of being unsure or worried that they could handle all 4 kids. We gave them months to think it over, and made it extremely clear that it was optional and that we didn't want them to say yes if they felt like it was too much. They very enthusiastically said that they would come that weekend to babysit, so we booked our flights and they booked theirs. Now, two months later, tonight, they told me that they are worried that they won't be able to handle all 4... and it became clear that this is the beginning of their passive-aggressive guilt-trip that they are known for. Why did I let us fall into this trap once again!? I should have known better than to even ask them. Now, for the next 3 months I am going to have to hear comments slipped into conversations, when I least expect it, that will make me angry that they find it IMPOSSIBLE to just be honest and tell me "no"... and making me feel like the one that causes them so much stress. They do this all in a "June Cleaver" disguise that even the most cold-hearted person wouldn't be able to confront... let alone my own people-pleasing self. Cancelling the trip is no longer an option. I toyed with the idea of hiring my babysitter to come stay with them for the weekend (I should have just hired her alone in the first place) or sending one or two of the kids to friends' houses for the 2 days... I don't know. At least I know one thing, I will never ask them to babysit my kids again. I've been on both sides. My mil used to BEG to watch the kids, but when I'd ask she acted like it was a huge imposition, she'd check her calender, etc. As a result, I seldom asked. Now, as the grandma, I cheerfully say 'yes', but I have to admit when the day gets closer I wonder what I was thinking to have said 'yes'! However, I don't back out, and I don't express my concerns about watching a full crew because I don't think it's right to complain once I committed. What I have asked is if a babysitter can be arranged to give me a break. I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell your mil you are concerned about her concerns and present her with options-- a part time babysitter to help, farm out a couple to friends, or a full time babysitter during the day. It's also fine to give her a deadline to reply with her preference or else you'll make alternative plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Find a place for your second oldest to stay. Bribe the oldest to be a secret agent babysitter who will be a helper to grandma and grandpa by keeping an eye on the two youngest and keeping them busy. Since your oldes knows your routines and what the little ones like to do he could be a good helper. (and make a little money on the side.) Just a thought. Good luck. Ruby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I find this thread very interesting. I don't have family in the province, MIL is also in another province and elderly. SpecialMama minded my kids for a weekend so dh and I could get away for the first time in 5 yrs. What I find interesting is the double standard that seems to exist. Grandparents shouldn't be asked/counted on/etc to babysit...yet all holy hades breaks loose when someone even breathes a suggestion that they may not be up to caring for their elderly parent/in-law. I'd take a dozen kids for a weekend than one elderly MIL for the same time period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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