If you have 4 kids you're crazy!?!?

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

Ok, so my mil has repeatedy told dh that we would be crazy to have more kids. Really?? She is a Christian woman who has raised 4 kids herself, all of them planned. I have always thought of her as a role model. I am just in shock and disbelief that you would say that to someone you love. She know how much we love and cherish our children, how we believe that they are each so very special. She has been rather disappointed at our choice to homeschool and makes sure to give dd(8) some kind of book like "Things a 2nd grader should know" or "100 words every second grader should be able to spell". Which, probably wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that dd is dyslexic and can't spell to save her soul (yes, we are currently using Barton for this). My mom homeschools my brother and is completely on board with however many children we decide to have. This issue with mil really makes me crazy!! My question is, if you did happen to be pregnant (not saying that I am), how would you announce it to them. With Christmas and all the happiness, would you announce it then, or wait until 3 months pg, etc.

 

Oh, and Mom if you are reading this you better not say a single word to anyone!!:D

[catalinakel]

Wow. How horrible to be concerned about a mother in law's reaction to a (possible) pregnancy. I don't get that at all. I would tell her, "yes, we are crazy. Crazy in love with the blessings children are and bring." I would not discuss it beyond that.

[Pink Fairy]

How do you think she'll react? If you think she'll be rude about it, I'd let your dh handle it. It's his mom after all. If you think she'll at least be respectful, I'd tell her when I was around 12 weeks. Something along the lines of "We are so excited to share our wonderful news with you!" Keep it really positive, and don't leave any room for negativity.

 

Congratulations! If you happen to be pregnant, that is. :D

 

:party:

[Denisemomof4]

I remember dreading telling my Aunt about baby #3, then dreading telling her about our choice to adopt. It wasn't received warmly, but once the child is here, you'd never know she felt anything other than joy.

 

I'd hold off until AFTER the holidays, wait until you ARE pregnant, maybe even out of the first semester, then let her know that you didn't tell her right away because you know how she feels. Or better yet, have your dh tell her and make sure he tells her to offer up only supportive prayers.

 

I know a young family who has 7 kids. They always just tell their mother when they know they're pregnant, but they know she won't be happyl. Sad.

[katemary63]

Wow. How horrible to be concerned about a mother in law's reaction to a (possible) pregnancy. I don't get that at all. I would tell her, "yes, we are crazy. Crazy in love with the blessings children are and bring." I would not discuss it beyond that.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

My sister "disagreed" with us having a third child. So did my in-laws. Huh? I have no idea what they thought about the fourth. Don't care either!

[patchfire]

I knew MIL would be unhappy we were having a third - she had "warned" us after ds was born that we'd "better not" have any more! Still not sure why we had to be warned about it!

 

We didn't have the holidays during my entire pregnancy with #3, but ds's birthday did fall in the first trimester. We deliberately waited until a point about halfway between his birthday & my oldest's birthday (meaning we wouldn't see MIL in between those times, generally). Dh called and told her. I deliberately did not ask for details of the conversation. Unlike 99.9% of the time, he did not share any details either... which tells me everything.

 

I think we go for a fourth I'll just wait for the relatives to start asking... they'll probably just think I'm gaining weight until month 7 or so. :lol:

[tdeveson]

How is this any of your MIL's business? Does she support any of the ones you already have? Frankly, in your place, I wouldn't tell her until I'm showing so much there's no denying it. Why deal with that lousy attitude during a time when you should be (theoretically) showered in love and approval from everyone around you.

[prairie rose]

My MIL had 5 children and she was less than thrilled when we announced we were having a 4th and didn't talk to us for a while when we announced our 5th. She's of the mind set that it was so difficult and expensive to raise 5 back when we were little and she can't imagine how we will afford it. Gifts and giving are her love language though. She loved to shower the kids with gifts and still does. Dh and I don't share the mindset. We think kids are only as expensive as you make them. ;) We don't buy tons of Christmas gifts like she did, we only buy 3 per kid and that's it. We buy them 1 birthday present each. We don't buy much of anything other than essentials outside of Xmas and b-days. We cook just enough food for each meal, she always cooked for an army whether one was showing up or not. She doesn't know how we manage without me working (she almost always worked when dh and sibs were kids) but me staying home is more important to us than material things. She doesn't have to understand it, all I ask is that she respects it. And she does 99.9% of the time. ;)

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

OK, so I painted a picture of a mean woman. To be fair I should tell you some nice things too. MIL does love our children. We see them every few months and if we don't make it to their house, they will drive 5 hours to ours. She keeps the kids every year during our anniversary vacation (except that we didn't go on one this year). We all joke that she is Martha Stewart, she makes fabulous homemade food, makes everyone feel welcome and special. She asks to keep dd(8) for a week a few times each year. She really is a wonderful woman in every other respect except for the "no more kids" thing. Dh does say that she feels like she screwed up so badly with her dc#4 (and only daughter) that she wishes they had only had 3 dc. WOW!

 

To answer the "crazy" question, she really ment it like we would be insane to have more kids. FIL has said the same thing. She does like to put a little "ha ha" at the end which is just a "I'm saying this horrible thing and want you think it's kind of like a joke" thing, but I KNOW better.

[Danestress]

not to say a single negative thing to you or he will wring her neck.

 

When she says negative things to him, he should not repeat them to you, and you can tell him that. If he wants her not to say them, he can learn to say, "Mom, do not ever say that to me again" but he should have already stopped repeating that kind of thing to you.

 

She probably means nothing by it. People say stuff, and I think we all have a habit (or in my family maybe we do) of feeling that we can speak freely to family members. I can easily imagine my mother saying something like that but still being happy when I had another baby. It's just the kind of thing some people say. I would really try not to let those comments bother you so much, but I also would try not to have to hear them.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Danestress

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

My MIL had 5 children and she was less than thrilled when we announced we were having a 4th and didn't talk to us for a while when we announced our 5th. She's of the mind set that it was so difficult and expensive to raise 5 back when we were little and she can't imagine how we will afford it. ;)

 

That definately makes sense. Maybe that is what my mil is thinking too.

[Guest 8 arrows]

I accidentally clicked on this forum, but I wanted to reassure you that we are considered faily normal except that we homeschool and have 8 kids (smile). I didn't read all of the posts, but I wanted to reassure you that it can get better. We were at the point that my husband was going to have to speak to my father. However, something softened at that exact point (due to prayer I am sure). Now my mother says how wonderful they all are and how she doesn't know what she would do without them. Who wouldn't want their own fan club? I applaud you for letting you husband deal with the issue at hand. I wish you all the best. Having 8 children is the best "decision" we ever made. ETA: I forgot a couple of your questions: We still don't tell anyone (except a couple of dear friends that I know will be thrilled for us) until I am near showing. And, neither set of grandparents were too thrilled about the homeschooling, but they think it is great (or one set at least acceptable) now.

Edited December 7, 2009 by 8 arrows

[Tutor]

My mom has made similar comments to me in the past, and they hurt me very much. Then one day, when she was visiting and I was expecting #4, she said, "I don't know how you expect us to afford gifts for 4 kids." Ah ha! So that was it. She tends to show love by giving gifts, and she was concerned that we were having more kids than she could "afford" to love. I was very loving but very straight with her and told her that the kids love gifts from her but they love her more... a note, a phone call, a sweater or blanket (my mom knits), a photo, or a very small but well thought-out gift mean much more to the kids than piles of extravagant gifts. (She was also very concerned that we could not support the kids financially, but we helped assuage her fears in that area also... by pointing out that we have little debt and the kids are happy, healthy, and fed.)

 

It may take some time, but maybe finding out what your MIL is really concerned about could help you so you can find a way to speak to her real fear. Don't consume yourself with trying to comfort her, but keep it in the back of your mind when you speak with her.

 

Oh, and not that you need it, but...

 

Congratulations! :hurray: Just in case. ;)

[BeachGirl]

How is this any of your MIL's business? Does she support any of the ones you already have? Frankly, in your place, I wouldn't tell her until I'm showing so much there's no denying it. Why deal with that lousy attitude during a time when you should be (theoretically) showered in love and approval from everyone around you.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. If she can't say anything nice, wait until you absolutely have to to tell her. (Preferrably after the baby is born but that is just me). Congratulations if you are pregnant and good luck on your fourth if you are not!

[Nakia]

A lot of my family thought we were crazy to have 3 children. 2 children is the normal (and generally only accepted) number of children you should have. :tongue_smilie:

 

Whatever! I had no problem telling them to go fly a kite. But that's just how I am. Granted, it wasn't my mother in law (my husband's mother passed away when he was a young boy). I'm sure that would make it even harder.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. If you are pregnant :D, you shouldn't have to worry about someone being unhappy for you!!! Maybe you shouldn't tell her at all. Just wait for her to show up on one of her visits and see if she notices. HeeHee!

[Aubrey]

My grmother's like this, & has been since we started having kids. She had 5, & she has absolutely nothing good to say about having children, but she loves children. She just raised hers w/ an abusive spouse, was under so much pressure that she became abusive herself, & now has to deal w/ the resulting issues of adult children of abusers.

 

After we had #4, she quit talking about how hard/bad having kids is. She started confiding in me more, encouraging me more, and complimenting me more.

 

It's strange, but I think she was genuinely trying to protect me from the pain she went through, & somehow watching our family--seeing dh interact w/ the kids in a kind & consistent manner, gives her some kind of peace.

 

HTH.

[Evergreen State Sue]

Could it be that your MIL doesn't think she could help you out as much if you have more children? I see your youngest two are 2 & 3 so maybe she is thinking that would be a lot for her to care for and keep up with in addition to a baby if she watches your children for you for a week as an anniversary gift to you. Maybe she wants to do that for you be sees her limitations. Maybe your mil is younger though.

 

Also, I'm assuming they are not helping you out financially in any way. If so, they seem to feel they have a right to voice an opinion on how many people they want to support. But even so, if they are older people on a fixed income maybe it is harder to give birthday and Christmas gifts to more grandchildren even though they really want to.

 

I had a wonderful, loving mother-in-law, but she was only able to watch my kids for me once overnight before she passed away at 72. It is harder to keep up with the littles when you are older. Also I remember my mil complaining how she really wanted to give gifts to her grandchildren and children but money was too tight to spend what she wanted to.

 

Enjoy your holiday secret. You'll know the right time to share your news. Congratulations to you and your family! (wink-wink!)

[Aubrey]

One more thing--my mil is also a small-family person. She was #5 growing up, & her dad died when she was 5. Her mom struggled to make enough $ to raise them, & I think she chose 2dc, as opposed to the larger # fil wanted, because she wanted to make sure she'd be ok on her own if anything happened. I think it scares her for my sake (maybe dh's) to see us have more.

 

She...until recently...hasn't made any direct comments about # of kids. She tries to be respectful of our choices, but...she does make little "suggestions" & comments on "concerns" she has.

 

When I'm able to step back & see things from the pov of her life experience, I can see how frightening it must be to choose a larger family, & I can see, too, the struggle in the way she talks to us--I can hear the tug of faith on one side & fear on the other.

[Chris in VA]

Gee, I was going to say something along the lines of, "Do you regret having 4 yourself? Which one do you wish was never born?" but it sounds like she'd be ready with an answer to that one. That's pretty sad.

 

My mom once told me I was an accident and that she never should have had me. Now I know I bring her a lot of joy, and she totally regrets saying that--she was on back pain meds and she just feels horrible to have "let that slip." But, ouch.

 

Just chalk it up to your mil not really understanding how hurtful her words are--I think many people just don't get how wounding musing aloud like that can be. Treat her with the forgiveness and grace you wish she'd show to you.:grouphug:

[scubamama]

People are entitled to their opinions...however we don't have to endorse them. I pretty much disregard what my MIL has to say. With #3 she took about 3 seconds after being told to saying, "Three children!!! No one needs 3 children! You should have an abortion. That is too many." All this was said right in front of my other 2 kids after dh announced the great news.

I could go on.

I miscarried about a year ago. I still grieve that little one. I wouldn't have said a word to MIL until I was undeniably showing or baby was delivered. I would have told her since she was so against the last one I thought I'd spare her.

 

Knowing this woman really helps me to stay in prayer. I could get very vengeful very quickly.

 

Michele

[Chris in VA]

Oh Scuba. Lots of hugs.

[NCJessieRN]

I knew MIL would be unhappy we were having a third - she had "warned" us after ds was born that we'd "better not" have any more! Still not sure why we had to be warned about it!

 

We didn't have the holidays during my entire pregnancy with #3, but ds's birthday did fall in the first trimester. We deliberately waited until a point about halfway between his birthday & my oldest's birthday (meaning we wouldn't see MIL in between those times, generally). Dh called and told her. I deliberately did not ask for details of the conversation. Unlike 99.9% of the time, he did not share any details either... which tells me everything.

 

I think we go for a fourth I'll just wait for the relatives to start asking... they'll probably just think I'm gaining weight until month 7 or so. :lol:

 

:iagree::lol: My husband and I already said if we have more we are not saying anything they ask:tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

If I were you I would make the biggest deal of it you ever saw. But I'm a pain like that. And I have 7.

 

 

How DARE she jump all over your boundaries and tell you how to live your life. Tell her if she has nothing nice to say to keep it to herself or the only way she'll find out about the birth is by an announcement card.

[Joanne]

Ok, so my mil has repeatedy told dh that we would be crazy to have more kids. Really?? She is a Christian woman who has raised 4 kids herself, all of them planned. I have always thought of her as a role model. I am just in shock and disbelief that you would say that to someone you love. She know how much we love and cherish our children, how we believe that they are each so very special. She has been rather disappointed at our choice to homeschool and makes sure to give dd(8) some kind of book like "Things a 2nd grader should know" or "100 words every second grader should be able to spell". Which, probably wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that dd is dyslexic and can't spell to save her soul (yes, we are currently using Barton for this). My mom homeschools my brother and is completely on board with however many children we decide to have. This issue with mil really makes me crazy!! My question is, if you did happen to be pregnant (not saying that I am), how would you announce it to them. With Christmas and all the happiness, would you announce it then, or wait until 3 months pg, etc.

 

Oh, and Mom if you are reading this you better not say a single word to anyone!!:D

 

Is your DH willing to set healthy boundaries around this?

 

"Mom, I love you. We respect your experience. However, we are asking that you stop giving academic books to us and refrain from any more comments about our family size or educational choices."

[Renee in NC]

If I were you I would make the biggest deal of it you ever saw. But I'm a pain like that. And I have 7.

 

 

How DARE she jump all over your boundaries and tell you how to live your life. Tell her if she has nothing nice to say to keep it to herself or the only way she'll find out about the birth is by an announcement card.

 

When I told my mother that I was pregnant with #7, she was furious. She treated me like a 15 year old unwed mother. THEN she told me that "we were going to get my tubes tied to make sure it didn't happen again."

 

If we ever have another I am NOT telling her until she asks.:glare:

[sunshine]

Pretend you never heard the comment and announce it the way you would have if you really had never heard the comment.

 

People can't bother you unless you let them. I say announce it during the present opening with something like "Hubby and I got the children a fabulous gift this year...a baby sibling!!!"

[Pretty in Pink]

My dmil is the same way. She raised four children but has balked at every single one of our pregnancies (we have four dc). It's not that she doesn't love us or love the children, because she does, and she and I are actually fairly close. She just worries about the financial aspect I think (and, as a PP stated, giving/receiving seems to be her love language). I know things were hard for she and dfil when their kids were young. He was in the military, worked a second job on the weekends, and went to school at night. It was hard. I just try to gently reassure her that our finances are in good order. I know she loves us so much.

[RainbowSprinkles]

How is this any of your MIL's business? Does she support any of the ones you already have? Frankly, in your place, I wouldn't tell her until I'm showing so much there's no denying it. Why deal with that lousy attitude during a time when you should be (theoretically) showered in love and approval from everyone around you.

 

I agree. I don't think anyone but you and your husband needs to have a say in how many children you will have. After I had my 2nd child, my sil got pregnant with her then 4th child, and mil kept making statements like "don't you get any ideas". It was very annoying, if I didn't dislike confrontation so much, I probably would have told her to keep them to herself. Now we have 3 children, and I do plan on having one more. Although my dh doesn't know yet lol

[Coleroo]

I'm 26 and pregnant with my 2nd baby and already noticed that the congratulations from everyone has diminished as compared to our 1st pregnancy. I've even started to get comments such as "2 is the best number", "it's not wise in this economy to have more than that", etc. One lady (who had only two children..now grown) even went as far as to say "oh your dad is going to be so mad" (said in a tone laden with the message "you're stupid for having more"). I rebutted with feigned ignorance and said how excited my father would be...why wouldn't he..because he loves his first grandchild. Why she would even say such a personal thing about my father (who she only knows in passing) is beyond me. Thank God my husband's family is supportive of 2-3 kids. We do want 4 children though, so I may end up in your position some day as I have a feeling that 2-3 children are the max when it comes to my inlaws view of "how many is right".

 

My mother-in-law already disapproves heavily of me being a stay at home mom. She's a nurse, my husband's sister is a nurse, my husband's brother's wife is a nurse - so all the women in that family are big money earners. I have felt looked down on so many times (not overtly...just the feeling I get with some of the undertones of things they've said to us) because we're not big money makers and big spenders. I know for a fact that my MIL thinks we're doing poorly (NOT true) because of me staying home.

 

During a week long visit with us once, my father in law (someone who doesn't own and doesn't like animals) told me (an avid animal lover!) that we should get rid of our 3 dogs because they're "too much trouble and cost too much to feed". (Again, part of the "they're doing poorly" mentality because Im a SAHM). He said this as he polished off the last of the 3rd carton of beer he'd purchased in 3 days (which cost well more than $40). He's not an alcholic, but he does drink every day. We don't drink...and it only takes $30 to feed our dogs for a month! He had just spent more in 3 days than what we spend on our "problem dogs". Yet he doesn't like the fact that we don't keep beer in our home?? Needless to say I was livid inside, but had too much respect for him as my FIL to respond back. I simply said "I disagree. Please excuse me while I go nurse the baby. Goodnight". And went to bed. His opinion is simply that, his opinion.

 

If I were in your situation, the first thing I would do would be to make it clear to DH that his mom is HIS responsibility. It is his first priority to make sure she understands that your family decisions are just that - YOURS AND HIS. Period. If conflict arises, he should handle his mother. I made it my #1 priority when I married to always show deep respect to my in-laws - thusly, it's my husband's place to manage huge conflicts with his family, KWIM? Not saying that you should be a wetnoodle and "agree" with everything, just that in heated situations, the blood member should be the one to stand firm for the decision that was made and have those heated discussions.

 

Also, I would wait until after Christmas (why spoil the holidays????) to make the announcement - then make it with as much pride as you had with your first. If anyone in your husband's family feels annoyed, HE needs to take care of it. Once the baby is here I'm sure all animosity will pass anyway. Babies have a tendency to provoke love in all Grandparents regardless of previous feelings. :)

 

Finally - I second the poster who said to consider that they just might not understand how hurtful they are. My in-laws are upstate New Yorkers. I'm bred, b'rn, & raised a "Yes Maam" kinda southerh girl so I hear a lot of things said in passing that kinda bristle me under the skin! haha Sounds to me like your MIL may just be passing along some of her own fears and anxieties she had as a younger mother!

 

P.S My brother in law is a public school teacher and my MIL & FIL do not support homeschool. We have yet to mention to them our plan to homeschool our kids..lol. We mentioned it briefly to FIL once and was immediately dismissed as if we were nuts... High school sports is the main reason for high school in his opinion. Oh heaven forbid we miss that!

Edited December 8, 2009 by Coleroo

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I've been known to gently correct people who are rude like that. I say, "No, the proper thing to say when someone announces their pregnancy is, 'Congratulations'." After they've stammered out their congratulations, I then change the subject.

[sassenach]

I totally get what you're saying. My grandmother never had a happy response to any pregnancy announcement, but she still loves all of my kids to pieces. My solution by #3 and 4 was to give her a quick announcement over the phone and then move the conversation along pretty quickly. My grandmother would start in on the "poor Shannon" type of talk, "but you already have your hands so full," and I would just change the subject to whatever cousin is currently on her sh&^ list and that would do the trick. Then I would avoid her for a couple of weeks. By then she would have downloaded to my mom or aunt and would be pretty much over it. I have REALLY thick skin though, so her not being thrilled really never bothered me. Good luck and CONGRATS!! (4th babies are FUN)

 

 

 

OK, so I painted a picture of a mean woman. To be fair I should tell you some nice things too. MIL does love our children. We see them every few months and if we don't make it to their house, they will drive 5 hours to ours. She keeps the kids every year during our anniversary vacation (except that we didn't go on one this year). We all joke that she is Martha Stewart, she makes fabulous homemade food, makes everyone feel welcome and special. She asks to keep dd(8) for a week a few times each year. She really is a wonderful woman in every other respect except for the "no more kids" thing. Dh does say that she feels like she screwed up so badly with her dc#4 (and only daughter) that she wishes they had only had 3 dc. WOW!

 

To answer the "crazy" question, she really ment it like we would be insane to have more kids. FIL has said the same thing. She does like to put a little "ha ha" at the end which is just a "I'm saying this horrible thing and want you think it's kind of like a joke" thing, but I KNOW better.

[Carrie12345]

Well, I have 4 kids and I AM crazy, so there's that! ;)

 

While I've never had anyone (in my family) say anything disapprovingly, I do know that some thing I'm really nuts. When the topic of possible adoption in the (far) future comes up, I do get a lot of wide eyes! My response to that reaction is always "So many kids desperately need good families, and we've got a great one to offer!"

 

Personally, if I were you, I would announce any future pregnancies the same way you must have announced the first ones, and put her original comment out of your head. If she were to say something negative again, I'd go with the pp's tip on reminding her of the *proper* response to such news! :)

[kmacnchs]

I have the opposite issue with my parents and mil - we have announced by dropping the sonogram in the mail, putting it online (my dh is a photographer and has a website - we just said "there are more pics up")...this hasn't helped a thing - they still were upset with us and tried to "punish" us in futile ways. I'm sorry you are dealing with this :(

[springmama]

I would tell people whenever I felt like it and ignore the fact that she may embarrass herself by saying something stupid to you in front of friends and family. If she wants to dig that hole and make herself look bad, then let her, but don't let it get you down.

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

Could it be that your MIL doesn't think she could help you out as much if you have more children? I see your youngest two are 2 & 3 so maybe she is thinking that would be a lot for her to care for and keep up with in addition to a baby if she watches your children for you for a week as an anniversary gift to you. Maybe she wants to do that for you be sees her limitations. Maybe your mil is younger though.

 

Also, I'm assuming they are not helping you out financially in any way. If so, they seem to feel they have a right to voice an opinion on how many people they want to support. But even so, if they are older people on a fixed income maybe it is harder to give birthday and Christmas gifts to more grandchildren even though they really want to.

 

I never EXPECT her to keep the kids, she always volunteers. MIL is 60 and is very active (plays in a tennis group). I have only been a SAHM for 2 years now, so going on vacation and leaving the kids will be much harder for me now...I just can't stand to be away from the littles.:tongue_smilie:

 

They are not helping us financially, although they are helping their other 3 fully grown children (which is another whole rant). If things got really, really bad, I could always go back to work. I made more money than dh does.

 

Dh can't keep a secret and will want to tell everyone ASAP, especially since we are now going to see them for Christmas. Like many of you have said, I think I will announce our "joyful" news and just act like I don't care what they have to say. Dh will be ready to squash any negative remarks immediately. Thanks Hive!!