Deciding not to exchange gifts...

[JoyfulMama]

Got a message from my dh's brother, saying they will not be exchanging gifts this year, and telling us that if we already bought something, to hold onto it for next year.

Now, I certainly understand the need for people to cut back, and am not offended AT ALL at their request to not exchange gifts. (I buy for the two of them, but they usually buy for all five of us.) However, I have already purchased simple gifts for them. We scaled back our spending, but I did purchase something small for them both.

Now, we are not close, but I do try to maintain a positive relationship.

 

Someone once told me that if you want to give a gift, then give a gift, and you can't be responsible for the feelings of the recipient.

 

So I still want to give them these gifts, but I know that it may make them uncomfortable, which I don't want to do. But it will certainly make a good lesson for my children, sharing the importance of giving from the heart, and not focusing on also receiving. Afterall, I know my kids already have a list of things to make as gifts to give from their own hearts. And I don't want to discourage them.

 

What say you?

[momtoboys]

wow, it's kind of rude to tell you that now, when a lot of people shop ahead of time (JMHO, though). Our family stopped exchanging gifts among adults a few years back, but we planned it well in advance.

[Parrothead]

I'd send them with a note that they were already purchased and/or made. If you think you need to, have your dh tell his brother that if they feel the need to reciprocate that dinner at their house or a plate of cookies would be sufficient.

[Pretty in Pink]

I think it would be polite to hang on to the gifts that you purchased, since you said you know it will make them uncomfortable. I doubt the children's handmade gifts would make them uncomfortable though, so I would encourage the children to go ahead with those plans. I don't think you have to really say anything to the kids about the gifts you had planned to give. Just don't make a big deal out of it.

[AuntieM]

I'd show them a lot of grace, it was probably not easy for them to tell you that. Perhaps they waited this late because they were trying to figure it out but in the end just saw that it wasn't to spend the money this year.

 

I think it's valuable for kids to learn how to give without receiving. So, you could either give the gifts to them anyway, or you could take the gifts you've purchased and donate them to a needy family through your church or other organization. Either way, let the other family know how much you understand and do not expect anything in return.

[MIch elle]

and then give it to them - so it's not a Christmas gift - just a gift.

[Chris in VA]

Well, perhaps you should honor their request--after all, we are constantly hearing on this board about people who want their mil or siblings or whomever to hear them when they say, we want to scale back!

 

I think a simple phone call telling them that you will certainly hold on to the gifts if they want, but you would be happy to give them and not receive something back--but if they are cutting back, honor that.

[momtoboys]

sorry, if my post sounded mean. . i just think it's easier all around if you plan stuff like this in advance. I understand that their financial situation may be difficult currently.

[JoyfulMama]

wow, it's kind of rude to tell you that now, when a lot of people shop ahead of time (JMHO, though). Our family stopped exchanging gifts among adults a few years back, but we planned it well in advance.

 

Well, as I said, we're not close. We see dh's brother a couple times a year, and his wife we see maybe once a year (she usually works all holidays).

 

I try to finish my shopping on Black Friday, but well, I am a planner, and they are not. (shrug) Whatcha gonna do?

 

Not exchanging gifts among adults is fine if all adults have children. However, between my two siblings and dh's two siblings, there is only one other couple with children.

[Alenee]

I'd show them a lot of grace, it was probably not easy for them to tell you that. Perhaps they waited this late because they were trying to figure it out but in the end just saw that it wasn't to spend the money this year.

 

I think it's valuable for kids to learn how to give without receiving. So, you could either give the gifts to them anyway, or you could take the gifts you've purchased and donate them to a needy family through your church or other organization. Either way, let the other family know how much you understand and do not expect anything in return.

 

:iagree:

I think that's a perfect way of dealing with it. It's so hard to tell people you can't afford to buy gifts.

[HSMom2One]

I'd show them a lot of grace, it was probably not easy for them to tell you that. Perhaps they waited this late because they were trying to figure it out but in the end just saw that it wasn't to spend the money this year.

 

I think it's valuable for kids to learn how to give without receiving. So, you could either give the gifts to them anyway, or you could take the gifts you've purchased and donate them to a needy family through your church or other organization. Either way, let the other family know how much you understand and do not expect anything in return.

 

I agree with this poster....Also, sometimes people say not to give them gifts in this situation because they don't want to feel guilty about receiving someone's generosity. I think that in our culture it is often very hard to be on the receiving end. We not only feel guilty, but we are not in charge of the situation. I had to learn this lesson myself the hard way -- at Christmas time.

 

If you gave them their gifts and warm expressions of love during the Christmas season, you just may be blessing them two ways. One, they will still have gifts at Christmas and be blessed by them, and two, they will gain some experience in learning to receive a blessing. I personally think that is important for us as Americans.

 

Something to think about.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

P.S. I wrote something along these lines in my blog last night!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I'd show them a lot of grace, it was probably not easy for them to tell you that. Perhaps they waited this late because they were trying to figure it out but in the end just saw that it wasn't to spend the money this year.

 

I think it's valuable for kids to learn how to give without receiving. So, you could either give the gifts to them anyway, or you could take the gifts you've purchased and donate them to a needy family through your church or other organization. Either way, let the other family know how much you understand and do not expect anything in return.

 

:iagree:

[Danestress]

and if you know they would rather you not give the gift, don't give it. I think that teaches as important a lesson to your children as giving does. I can't think of how respecting that request would be discouraging to your children. If that's what you think your BIL would prefer, then do it.

 

I would think about whether there is anywhere you could give or donate the presents you have already bought.

 

I do think it was a bit late in the game for your BIL to do this.

[clementine]

I, too, would donate the items you've already bought. You can let them know that you decided to bless a needy family with items in honor of them......

 

In my opinion, it might make your other family members feel bad if you bought a gift for them - I know that when someone unexpectedly gifts something to me and I don't have something to give them in return, I feel uncomfortable.

[JoyfulMama]

Thanks everyone for responding!

 

I have been trying to find a way to show grace to them, as I know it would be incredibly hard for me to make the call that BIL did, and I respect him for being honest with us, no matter the timing.

 

But some of you hit the nail on the head I think... that it is incredibly hard to receive a gift, and not give one in return.

 

My brothers and I have a better relationship, and kind of an unspoken understanding that you give from your heart, whether you give something tangible or not. We've all been in different financial positions at different times, I guess, and don't have expectations of gifts, but a simple desire to show love for eachother.

[DesertDweller]

Well, perhaps you should honor their request--after all, we are constantly hearing on this board about people who want their mil or siblings or whomever to hear them when they say, we want to scale back!

 

I think a simple phone call telling them that you will certainly hold on to the gifts if they want, but you would be happy to give them and not receive something back--but if they are cutting back, honor that.

 

:iagree:

[Pippen]

So I still want to give them these gifts, but I know that it may make them uncomfortable, which I don't want to do. But it will certainly make a good lesson for my children, sharing the importance of giving from the heart, and not focusing on also receiving. Afterall, I know my kids already have a list of things to make as gifts to give from their own hearts. And I don't want to discourage them.

 

What say you?

 

I'd put a higher priority on not making them feel uncomfortable and select another path for teaching your children about giving.

[Unicorn.]

I think it would be polite to hang on to the gifts that you purchased, since you said you know it will make them uncomfortable. I doubt the children's handmade gifts would make them uncomfortable though, so I would encourage the children to go ahead with those plans. I don't think you have to really say anything to the kids about the gifts you had planned to give. Just don't make a big deal out of it.

 

:iagree:

[Tap]

I would honor their request and not give them a gift.

 

Instead pass it on to a shelter or your church to put in a food basket or give to someone in need.

 

We don't exchange gifts among adults, but sometimes my sister will still buy for everyone. It is awkward when she does it. It isn't that we can't afford to exchange gifts, it is that we have decided to stop the excess of Christmas. Even though she is trying to be generous, it comes across as her not respecting peoples boundaries.

[Colleen in NS]

and if you know they would rather you not give the gift, don't give it. I think that teaches as important a lesson to your children as giving does.

 

I'd put a higher priority on not making them feel uncomfortable and select another path for teaching your children about giving.

 

:iagree:

 

For someone to initiate telling you that must have taken a lot of thought and courage, so I would honour it. I wouldn't think it was my job to teach them a lesson on receiving. I would think it was my job to find another way to teach my own kids about giving, though. There are plenty of ways to do that, and you can let the other family keep their dignity.

[alpidarkomama]

I would definitely not give the gifts since you say they would feel uncomfortable (understandably). And if the lesson you want to teach is that it is good to give for its own sake, then donate the items. Plenty of places to do that.

[Nestof3]

I'd show them a lot of grace, it was probably not easy for them to tell you that. Perhaps they waited this late because they were trying to figure it out but in the end just saw that it wasn't to spend the money this year.

 

I think it's valuable for kids to learn how to give without receiving. So, you could either give the gifts to them anyway, or you could take the gifts you've purchased and donate them to a needy family through your church or other organization. Either way, let the other family know how much you understand and do not expect anything in return.

 

:iagree:

[HSMom2One]

Yes, not so long ago, it was me on the other end of a situation like the op has described. My husband was out of work and we were facing a very lean Christmas. We asked people to please not buy us gifts, but do you know what? Our family bought us gifts anyway, and they showered us with love at a time that we really, really needed it. We had made the request because we could not possibly buy gifts for our family as we had in the past, and they understood where we were coming from. What mattered to them was that we were surrounded by family, and knew that there was hope and that we were cared about. They told us they weren't going to withhold gifts just because we were facing a crisis at Christmas time. Their expressions of love and care still inspire me when I think of it today.

 

We weren't offended, upset or mad at these people for not going by our request. Our family was blessed by having the opportunity to just be generous, and we were blessed by the warmth and love we felt. If any of you have been in this situation, you might be able to relate to what I'm saying.

 

Maybe in a case like this there just isn't a pat answer that covers all situations. Perhaps the answer varies from one family to the other as well as the relationships that are within it.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Garga]

Yes, not so long ago, it was me on the other end of a situation like the op has described. My husband was out of work and we were facing a very lean Christmas. We asked people to please not buy us gifts, but do you know what? Our family bought us gifts anyway, and they showered us with love at a time that we really, really needed it. We had made the request because we could not possibly buy gifts for our family as we had in the past, and they understood where we were coming from. What mattered to them was that we were surrounded by family, and knew that there was hope and that we were cared about. They told us they weren't going to withhold gifts just because we were facing a crisis at Christmas time. Their expressions of love and care still inspire me when I think of it today.

 

We weren't offended, upset or mad at these people for not going by our request. Our family was blessed by having the opportunity to just be generous, and we were blessed by the warmth and love we felt. If any of you have been in this situation, you might be able to relate to what I'm saying.

 

Maybe in a case like this there just isn't a pat answer that covers all situations. Perhaps the answer varies from one family to the other as well as the relationships that are within it.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

 

Ok--if they said, "No gifts" because of the above-type situation, then perhaps you could give them their gifts anyway.

 

But--if they said, "No gifts" because they're trying to control the commercialism of Christmas, and get back to the basics or celebrate the religious side without all the commercial trappings, then don't give the gifts.

[happi duck]

My sister emailed all the sibs to say "what do you think about not exchanging gifts and using the money instead for XYZ?" This became quite a 'discussion' on Thanksgiving. I don't feel like this needs to be a group decision. A heads up is nice...'we're not bringing gifts this year' but why can't I give gifts if I want to?