Impish Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 What would you do if you discovered that your BIL was encouraging your dh to fool around? My dh ISN'T, but from emails that my dh left open on the computer, it certainly seems as though his brother is encouraging him to visit for a 'boys weekend', complete with forgetting he's married. BIL is single. I don't know if I should just leave it alone, since dh hasn't gone to visit his brother, or if its something I should approach him about. I have to admit, though, that its certainly affected how I feel about BIL. I've always liked him, and welcomed him to our home. Now I feel like he's a threat to our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Hmmm....I would be concerned. Didn't your dh ask for a separation recently? (Sorry if I'm getting you mixed up w/someone else) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I don't know. You run the risk of crossing the line because you read his email. OTOH, he didn't hide the email, so it's perfectly reasonable that you could have read it. I would ask DH how he feels about his brother encouraging this behavior. You can ask how he's responded to it, and if he does go and visit his brother, how would he handle situations that come up where his brother is encouraging your dh to do things he doesn't want to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 If I were married I would Hope that my husband would share an email like that with me. I would also hope that he would proudly write a scathing one back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 If he is serious then he certainly is a threat of sorts but really I wouldn't personally care to think much about it without first talking to DH just to find out how he feels/what he thinks about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I guess it would depend on what was meant by a guys' weekend. Camping, hunting and fishing, no problem. A trip to Vegas, problem. Perhaps hubby left that message open because he *wanted* you to see it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 First, tell him you read it. He might get angry, so apologize (and mean it). After that, discuss it! Dh has "married" friends that screw around. We've discussed it, he knows how I feel, I know how he feels and we both act accordingly. Yeah, that would freak me out big time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 visit for a 'boys weekend', complete with forgetting he's married. I don't know, this could mean a lot of different things. Could mean relax, take a break from family responsibilities, and enjoy a weekend in the woods hunting and fishing. Could mean something else entirely. Was the email specific? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Um, probably not the right thing to do, but I'm betting *I* would answer that email myself. And yes, I would let dh know I did that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Um, probably not the right thing to do, but I'm betting *I* would answer that email myself. And yes, I would let dh know I did that. You could take a "Ha ha, you are such a joker!" approach to let him know you know, but that you think surely he could not be serious about such a thing... If he knows you know, he may just back off. But I am thinking if he were really suggesting infidelity, he is really not too bright to put it in writing where there's even a tiny change that you might see it. I think I would be gentle but straightforward with DH. Let him know you weren't snooping, but since you saw it you felt the need to ask about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 You have to talk to dh about this one. You can't pretend you didn't see the email. Be ready to apologize for reading it, but you have to move on from there to the content of the email. I used to work at a job that was incredibly boring. (It was a government job.) There were too many people and not enough work. Most of the people who worked there were men in their 20's or 30's. They became really good friends with each other, since all we did all day was talk to each other. (There just wasn't any work to do!) One of them started cheating on his wife, and then 2 others followed suit. They all had multiple affairs. It seems that once someone starts an affair and starts encouraging the others, they egg each other on. It totally depends on the type of man your husband is, but being egged on like that can be very difficult to resist if it happens over and over, especially for a certain type of man. My coworkers started saying things like, "We Americans are too narrow in how we think of love. We can love our wives enough to die for them, but having a little fun on the side really doesn't mean anything. It's just fun and exciting, but doesn't mean we aren't committed to our families and love our families." That's the sort of stuff that my coworkers used to say, and apparently believed, since they acted on it. Your BIL is single, but he can still sweet-talk your husband into believing these lies. They calmly spoke of this stuff and could make it sound almost reasonable. It was insidious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 May I just say how awesome it is that you are taking time to think it through and formulate a rational response. Me--I'd have been on the phone with BIL in a flash saying who-knows-what. As for hubby, thankfully you have a well grounded relationship where you know in your heart that he is innocent. Have a discussion and get it out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Was there more to the email than "boys' weekend"? 'Cause that alone wouldn't necessarily send up red flags for me (unless I knew that the BIL spent all of his time in strip clubs or something like that). I would assume that, as a PP said, it was just about getting some time away without family responsibilities and having some bonding time with his brother. On the other hand, if BIL said, "I've got this great girl all lined up for you to meet", I would be horrified (and would expect that I would *not* have to do anything about it 'cause my dh would laugh that off instantly and definitively). But just a weekend with his brother? Having a few beers and doing some (acceptable) brotherly activity? Sounds like a great break to me. Edited November 23, 2009 by abbeyej Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle in AL Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 :iagree: Based on how it reads from your posts, I would take it as come and relax, get away from reality. That's not always negative, depending on their plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolally Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I don't know, this could mean a lot of different things. Could mean relax, take a break from family responsibilities, and enjoy a weekend in the woods hunting and fishing. :iagree: That was my impression too, based on what you shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BridgeTea Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 :iagree:I think the "pretend you're not married" comment could have a number of possibilities. Talk to him, Imp. At my house I think it might go down something like this: "Hey, I saw the e-mail from your brother. I'm sorry to have read your e-mail. I am concerned about the xyz comment and I'd like to hear your thoughts." Easy for me to say, but I'd like to think this is what would come out of my mouth. Good for you for thinking about it first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I would definitely have a word with dh about it. I would also be a bit disappointed that he didn't tell me. And...since you are already reading his e-mails, I would go back and see what the ENTIRE conversation entailed. If you just got a snippet, you could have very well take it totally out of context. Do that BEFORE talking to Dh. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 pssst! Can I email BIL? Puuuurty please? :w00t: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 If I saw an email from friend or relative to that effect I would call them and express disdain and outrage for their attempt to scandalize my husband. I use the word as my Catholic faith uses it. It is the gravest of sins. Truly, I would sear the flesh off their ear with my anger. It is of no moment to me if someone chooses to wallow in filth but to bring another person into the muck is reprehensible. They sure as heck would never be welcome in my presence or my home. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/13506d.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 The email talked about Wolf 'playing with' his friends, and that one had dressed up as Charo for Hallowe'en, 'complete with big t**s, you would have loved her'. This wasn't a hunting, fishing, hang out, grunt and scratch our own manly bits situation. I've talked to Wolf. He told me he had no intention of messing around, which I knew...but I'm still extremely uncomfortable with his brother's email. I invited this man into my home and welcomed him with open arms. I think of him, and treat him, as I treated my younger brothers growing up. I feel completely betrayed by him. I've no doubt that Wolf has confided some of our previous marital trouble in his brother. Our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds since this summer, however...I just don't see how I'll manage his brother ever in my home again. The last time I saw him was when he was here overnight for their Grandfather's funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smrtmama Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 The email talked about Wolf 'playing with' his friends, and that one had dressed up as Charo for Hallowe'en, 'complete with big t**s, you would have loved her'. This wasn't a hunting, fishing, hang out, grunt and scratch our own manly bits situation. I've talked to Wolf. He told me he had no intention of messing around, which I knew...but I'm still extremely uncomfortable with his brother's email. I invited this man into my home and welcomed him with open arms. I think of him, and treat him, as I treated my younger brothers growing up. I feel completely betrayed by him. I've no doubt that Wolf has confided some of our previous marital trouble in his brother. Our marriage has improved by leaps and bounds since this summer, however...I just don't see how I'll manage his brother ever in my home again. The last time I saw him was when he was here overnight for their Grandfather's funeral. Sometimes you do have to just put your foot down and say someone isn't welcome in your home. I had to do this with my husband's brother. On his last visit here, he logged into my account on the computer, read my email, and read back through my online journal. I told my husband I was not comfortable having his brother back in our home, and my husband agreed that that sort of boundary crossing means a revocation of the privilege of being in our private space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Sometimes you do have to just put your foot down and say someone isn't welcome in your home. :iagree:....IMO, you are certainly justified in doing that in light of what you have shared here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I guess it would depend on what was meant by a guys' weekend. Camping, hunting and fishing, no problem. A trip to Vegas, problem. My dh did go to Vegas with his best friend for a guy weekend. I'm confident nothing happened. :001_smile: The email would not have bothered me. I have the expectation that my dh not be influenced by others and he keep our marriage faithful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Quote:Originally Posted by AuntieM I guess it would depend on what was meant by a guys' weekend. Camping, hunting and fishing, no problem. A trip to Vegas, My dh did go to Vegas with his best friend for a guy weekend. I'm confident nothing happened. :001_smile: The email would not have bothered me. I have the expectation that my dh not be influenced by others and he keep our marriage faithful. Vegas wouldn't bother me, either. Imp's BIL, however, would. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 My dh did go to Vegas with his best friend for a guy weekend. I'm confident nothing happened. :001_smile: Okay, okay, sorry I didn't make it more obvious, I meant a trip for intentional misbehaving, Vegas or elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Okay, okay, sorry I didn't make it more obvious, I meant a trip for intentional misbehaving, Vegas or elsewhere. I gotcha. :D Yes, I would have been upset had my dh's best friend sent an email saying something like, "I can't wait to get to Vegas. Pr*stitution is legal there!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasha Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I would tell my dh that I saw that BIL wanted to get together for a boys night out. I would tell him that he was free to, of course, but I would also be going on a girls night out. What's good for the goose and all. Neither of us, fwiw, are fans of "this sex only" parties. Both of us agree that it's just a bad idea. YMMV, of course. I know some couples who have no issues with night out parties (either the strip club kind or the hunting trip kind). I do, but then I worked for a couple of years as an exotic dancer and know just how a lot of guys get when they're out with their buddies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 This wasn't a hunting, fishing, hang out, grunt and scratch our own manly bits situation. Gotcha. I think if I were in your shoes I would be asking my husband to talk to his brother about this. I think it would do his brother a lot of good to hear from him that he needs support in his marriage, not escape from it. Personally (and this is just me, others here have advised otherwise) I would be hesitant to talk to the brother myself. I think he would just take it as the over-controlling wife and dismiss it. But if his own brother says, hey, this is not cool, that should hopefully have the effect of making him realize he's not behaving in an appropriate manner. Even if your husband has confided in him about problems you guys were having, he should have enough maturity to realize those problems won't be solved by playing with Charo! And since he apparently doesn't have that level of maturity, maybe Wolf should explain this to him, be the "big" brother (regardless of who is older), and show him how a man is to treat his wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Gotcha. I think if I were in your shoes I would be asking my husband to talk to his brother about this. I think it would do his brother a lot of good to hear from him that he needs support in his marriage, not escape from it. Personally (and this is just me, others here have advised otherwise) I would be hesitant to talk to the brother myself. I think he would just take it as the over-controlling wife and dismiss it. But if his own brother says, hey, this is not cool, that should hopefully have the effect of making him realize he's not behaving in an appropriate manner. Even if your husband has confided in him about problems you guys were having, he should have enough maturity to realize those problems won't be solved by playing with Charo! And since he apparently doesn't have that level of maturity, maybe Wolf should explain this to him, be the "big" brother (regardless of who is older), and show him how a man is to treat his wife. :iagree::iagree::iagree: you know what really stinks about this? you're always going to be nervous and wondering if he ever does go out with his brother. Do you know if he always encourages this to Wolf? Are they close as brothers? I don't think I could ever look at a person the same way if they did that to me, family or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 Gotcha. I think if I were in your shoes I would be asking my husband to talk to his brother about this. I think it would do his brother a lot of good to hear from him that he needs support in his marriage, not escape from it. Personally (and this is just me, others here have advised otherwise) I would be hesitant to talk to the brother myself. I think he would just take it as the over-controlling wife and dismiss it. But if his own brother says, hey, this is not cool, that should hopefully have the effect of making him realize he's not behaving in an appropriate manner. Even if your husband has confided in him about problems you guys were having, he should have enough maturity to realize those problems won't be solved by playing with Charo! And since he apparently doesn't have that level of maturity, maybe Wolf should explain this to him, be the "big" brother (regardless of who is older), and show him how a man is to treat his wife. I agree with you. Part of the problem is too, BIL is more severely affected with FASD than Wolf is...and he most certainly has issues with the ability to see actions/consequences. He's very mature in some regards, very IMMATURE in others. As Wolf also has FASD, and consequences aren't something he always sees clearly (impulse control can be an issue, mostly regarding finances) the situation his brother seemed to be suggesting was very alarming to me. I know my dh wouldn't plan to mess around, he wants to be faithful to his marriage, etc...but... And you're completely right. My talking to him about this would absolutely be seen as me being the overcontrolling wife. :iagree::iagree::iagree: you know what really stinks about this? you're always going to be nervous and wondering if he ever does go out with his brother. Do you know if he always encourages this to Wolf? Are they close as brothers? I don't think I could ever look at a person the same way if they did that to me, family or not. That very much IS an issue. This is Wolf's bio sib, so someone he's only known for about 10 yrs, and they've had an off and on relationship...during our marriage, its been mostly on. Its not a relationship I feel comfortable challenging, in the sense that he's the only brother that isn't an addict, whose living a productive life. He's very important to Wolf because of that. I just can't see refusing to have his brother in my home...it would be a serious blow to our marriage, in that this is the only sib in the province that Wolf sees anymore at all. His eldest sister was a presence when we were first married, and after she lied to a social worker about her daughter (we had the daughter's daughter, 13 mths old, because Wolf's niece was actively doing meth...as a result of the lies, baby went back) and other issues (Wolf spotted her wearing my stolen earrings) he pretty much cut off all contact. Its a mine field at best. Getting my marriage through unscathed is what's most important to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Well, it is a good thing your BIL is single. He may not be able to truly comprehend the sanctity of marriage. Perhaps the old saw about keeping your friends close, and your enemies closer would be a good thing to keep in mind about this situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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