(VENT) New Mom who will not breastfeed... ???

[tex-mex]

Problem solved! Thanks for all of the advice and letting me vent! :-)

Edited November 17, 2009 by tex-mex

[Mrs Mungo]

That would be really frustrating. I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. :grouphug:

[dangermom]

That last bit there about only feeding them every 6 hours sounds dangerous. Sounds like a good way to get them into the hospital with dehydration and malnutrition.

 

The rest, well, :001_rolleyes: one hopes she'll get her act together soon. None of that is terribly awful, though definitely rude and selfish.

 

Leave it all alone, but that feeding schedule you should say something about. Call your pediatrician about the question and see if she has any advice.

[DawnM]

Wow! Honestly, my first thought was wondering how you can stay under his leadership if he can't even control his own house.

 

I am not sure you can really say much unless asked specifically about the whole nursing issue. Her mother is a nurse and should know how breastfeeding goes and can tell her. If she chooses not to hear or listen, that is her own issue.

 

As for the food......I am beyond words. If I take you food (now I will ask for preferences usually) and you don't like it.....don't eat it and if I find out you gossiped about it or turned up your nose at it, that will be the LAST time I bring you food.

 

Wow, guess I am in a fiesty mood. :lol:

[Daisy]

I would butt out of it. I wouldn't say a word to her about her breastfeeding, using formula, sleep patterns, etc. I think it just feeds the conversation. If her own husband won't take her in hand and neither will her family, then you are going to be the BAD GUY for saying anything. Sounds like she has plenty of support (her MIL as a nurse).

 

Getting food sent over never lasted more than 7 days after my pregnancies. No way would I continue to bring her lunch. LOL. Unbelievable.

 

If everyone stops listening to the Queen, maybe she'll get over herself.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, everyone has a duty to do as they see best for their children/ family. I would personally help feed a mom with twins that is nursing exclusively, because I value nursing that much. BUT, a mom who thinks her babies have to sleep through the night at 5 weeks is just a little kooky. That's MY opinion. Others will disagree. So because I wouldn't find that she needs extra help.... I'd stop.

Now... that mom with 6 babies, that I saw on TV that exclusively nursed/pumped for her children till they were 6 months or over... I'd help with dinner the whole way... Heck, she said she was stuck on the couch for 6 months.... I would have brought her stuff for lunch, too!!

Just wait till those babies are teething:-)

PS>>>> I would be careful not to say judgmental things to or about her.... just love her through her new momness..... She'll grow up!

Carrie:-)

[Stacie]

After three premies, four c-sections, three extended NICU stays of 2+ weeks, and bedrest for preterm labor, I received a grand total of four prepared meals for my family. My dh had to leave for a four day out-of-town business trip while the second one was in NICU, and no one to stay with me to help. We not only survived, but thrived by learning to be independent, caring, and nurturing parents. Please give her the opportunity to grow into an independent adult, mother, and wife.

 

 

ETA: You are a great person to help her out so much. I wish I had a friend like you!!!

Edited November 16, 2009 by Stacie

[tex-mex]

That last bit there about only feeding them every 6 hours sounds dangerous. Sounds like a good way to get them into the hospital with dehydration and malnutrition.

 

The rest, well, :001_rolleyes: one hopes she'll get her act together soon. None of that is terribly awful, though definitely rude and selfish.

 

Leave it all alone, but that feeding schedule you should say something about. Call your pediatrician about the question and see if she has any advice.

 

This is what is concerning me... my son is now 14 y.o, but I think I did the feedings every 3 hours with him for quite a while. It was like 2.5 months of it? He didn't sleep thru the night for a long time. Her mom is an ER nurse... she admits she doesn't understand feedings. But she is willing to take the night shift (11 pm, 2am, 5am & 8 am feedings) for her daughter. She does it nightly with some help with volunteers -- her vacation time is ending and she has to go back to work. This is one reason the new mom/daughter is deciding to change feeding times. I feel like I should say something. ACK. :confused:

[olan719]

Wow - what a strange situation. I don't blame you for being aggravated...especially about the lunch part. Gimme a break! Part of me feels sorry for her because I have been in her situation. I had premature twins that spent almost 6 weeks in the NICU, and I pumped and breastfeed for 6 months. It was so hard! One of the hardest things I've ever done really. I know how much I would have killed for a full night's sleep. I think I got one about the time they turned one. :D

 

That said...it's time for this girl to "grow up" and step off her throne. There is no way you can maintain a milk supply like that - obviously you know that. I had to pump at least once a night, and several times a day. I took naps when I could, and I had help over, otherwise, I got up throughout the night like every other mother! Are her mother and husband taking the night shift for her every single night?? WOW!

 

I don't really have any advice. Vent away! Like I said, part of me feels bad for her because I know how hard it is, but the other part is like "get over yourself already!"

[Emmy]

If she continued to complain about problems nursing- I would just continue to reply "maybe you should talk to a lactation consultant" or if I *really* couldn't resist I might say "hmmm I think not breastfeeding at night can really affect your supply, maybe you should talk to a lactation consultant".

 

As far as the rest of it-well wow. I can't imagine. And yes it's time to stop the meals all together.

[JVA]

Sounds like she's pretty spoiled....... will she listen to an older woman? I'd question the pastor's leadership since he's letting her rule the roost. Something's not right here. And I'm not even addressing the breastfeeding issues....good grief! ...... she's got it all wrong there, too. You all have ministered to her enough with meals....time for her to grow up and fend for herself/ The elders or men in leadership should be talking to the pastor about the dynamics....at home and maybe in the church body, too.

[tex-mex]

PS>>>> I would be careful not to say judgmental things to or about her.... just love her through her new momness..... She'll grow up!

Carrie:-)

 

That's what I thought... this is why I come to the Hive for advice! I do feel like she needs to grow up but have not said a word to her. Which is hard!! But it is not my business nor can we continue to enable her behavior. Gotta do it in love! ;)

[tex-mex]

Sounds like she's pretty spoiled....... will she listen to an older woman? I'd question the pastor's leadership since he's letting her rule the roost. Something's not right here. And I'm not even addressing the breastfeeding issues....good grief! ...... she's got it all wrong there, too. You all have ministered to her enough with meals....time for her to grow up and fend for herself/ The elders or men in leadership should be talking to the pastor about the dynamics....at home and maybe in the church body, too.

 

Yeah, he treats he well! Those little babies will be cherished! I don't think mom realizes how good she has it, truthfully. We're not a church body -- just a group of people who meet weekly at a home. The hubby/leader is an ordained Pastor (so is my hubby). So, it is at his house & his soap box... his rules. She tends to reign over it as a hostess. But now the babies are needing her.

[Stacie]

Sounds like she's pretty spoiled....... will she listen to an older woman? I'd question the pastor's leadership since he's letting her rule the roost. Something's not right here. And I'm not even addressing the breastfeeding issues....good grief! ...... she's got it all wrong there, too. You all have ministered to her enough with meals....time for her to grow up and fend for herself/ The elders or men in leadership should be talking to the pastor about the dynamics....at home and maybe in the church body, too.

 

 

:iagree: I wonder about the family dynamics as well. It almost seems like a protective father to a childish daughter role rather than a husband/wife partnership. Of course so much can't be conveyed in the post that I could be really jumping to conclusions here. I do think it's time to let them be a family, whatever form that means to them.

[Lovedtodeath]

That last bit there about only feeding them every 6 hours sounds dangerous. Sounds like a good way to get them into the hospital with dehydration and malnutrition.

:iagree:Get some info to her from kellymom.com, mothering.com, babywhisperer-- anything! Give the information to her mom, if you think that will go over better, since she admits being confused about feeding. Don't new mothers read up on how to care for infants? I sure did! I was a preemie and my mom fed me every 2 hours day and night for teh first month!

[tex-mex]

Please give her the opportunity to grow into an independent adult, mother, and wife.

I strongly agree with you. :)

 

 

ETA: You are a great person to help her out so much. I wish I had a friend like you!!!

 

Gosh, thanks... I try to reach out to this gal over the last 5 years and keep getting negative reactions from her. She will be mean and do stuff like invite the ladies in our homechurch to a gathering -- and then "uninvite" people on a whim. (I've been one of the uninvites... hubby saw it happen and was furious. I was like so what -- I'm not going to kiss up to her, kwim?) I've always been kind despite her being not nice. Now, I figure reality is going to hit her hard. But again, no judging -- just kindness. I have seen her become very open to me over the pregnancy and now afterwards -- who knows? (I still don't fully trust her. Eeep.)

[tex-mex]

:iagree: I wonder about the family dynamics as well. It almost seems like a protective father to a childish daughter role rather than a husband/wife partnership.

 

Yes, you have them correctly profiled. And yes, they need to begin their journey as a family on their own. Her mom still lives with them (she co-owns the house) and they'll be in great hands.

[Caribbean Queen]

Take this from a La Leche League Leader:

 

Some people will not admit that they wanted to formula feed. They say that they wanted to breastfeed, and tried to everything under the sun to make that happen, but their body just couldn't make milk.

[tex-mex]

Take this from a La Leche League Leader:

 

Some people will not admit that they wanted to formula feed. They say that they wanted to breastfeed, and tried to everything under the sun to make that happen, but their body just couldn't make milk.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

Take this from a La Leche League Leader:

 

Some people will not admit that they wanted to formula feed. They say that they wanted to breastfeed, and tried to everything under the sun to make that happen, but their body just couldn't make milk.

 

 

I totally agree with this.

[Crimson Wife]

Take this from a La Leche League Leader:

 

Some people will not admit that they wanted to formula feed. They say that they wanted to breastfeed, and tried to everything under the sun to make that happen, but their body just couldn't make milk.

 

Don't be so quick to judge. Some of us who had difficulty with milk supply really, truly DID want to BF deep down. I had all kinds of problems with my oldest but was/am fortunately able to BF my younger ones. Prior to the birth of my 2nd, could you have distinguished me from these women you condemn?

[Lovedtodeath]

 

I totally agree with this.

I would assume that this is the case and focus on getting the babies fed period. They need formula more often than that!

[tex-mex]

Wow - what a strange situation. I don't blame you for being aggravated...especially about the lunch part. Gimme a break! Part of me feels sorry for her because I have been in her situation. I had premature twins that spent almost 6 weeks in the NICU, and I pumped and breastfeed for 6 months. It was so hard! One of the hardest things I've ever done really. I know how much I would have killed for a full night's sleep. I think I got one about the time they turned one. :D

 

This is what I am thinking... all new moms don't get a full night's rest. And every time I see her, she is complaining how tired she is and she cannot do the nightly feedings with so little sleep. I feel like telling her we all have been there and she CAN do it.

 

That said...it's time for this girl to "grow up" and step off her throne. There is no way you can maintain a milk supply like that - obviously you know that. I had to pump at least once a night, and several times a day. I took naps when I could, and I had help over, otherwise, I got up throughout the night like every other mother! Are her mother and husband taking the night shift for her every single night?? WOW!

 

Her hubby and mom living with her being there for the nightly feedings... she is quite fortunate. I suggested one time that she needs to sleep when the babies are sleeping and she replied it was impossible to sleep 40 minutes at a time. Can't force a horse to water... just keeping my mouth shut. But venting here to see if I am outta touch? Glad to see many feel my frustration. *sigh* But there is no way I can say any of this to her.

[hornblower]

Given what you've said about the dynamics of this marriage, I'd go to the husband. I'd skirt gently around it - something about how when moms are new moms they're often overwhelmed and not hearing what they need to know (which is true) as the reason why you're going to him with it & tell him that these babies need to be fed more often than she's planning.

 

Back it up with something written - a brochure from public health or similar would be ideal. Keep it short and sweet, just the facts.

 

I'm an IBCLC and I'd dearly love to see every baby raised on human milk but that's just not going to happen here. Unless she does a 180 in personality overnight, it is not going to happen. But there is some responsibility to make sure the babies are being fed. If she won't do it, then he'll have to get up at night so she can get her beauty sleep. Somebody has to feed the babies.

 

After that, I'd butt out. It's between them & the children's doctor.

[Lovedtodeath]

Given what you've said about the dynamics of this marriage, I'd go to the husband. I'd skirt gently around it - something about how when moms are new moms they're often overwhelmed and not hearing what they need to know (which is true) as the reason why you're going to him with it & tell him that these babies need to be fed more often than she's planning.

 

Back it up with something written - a brochure from public health or similar would be ideal. Keep it short and sweet, just the facts.

 

I'm an IBCLC and I'd dearly love to see every baby raised on human milk but that's just not going to happen here. Unless she does a 180 in personality overnight, it is not going to happen. But there is some responsibility to make sure the babies are being fed. If she won't do it, then he'll have to get up at night so she can get her beauty sleep. Somebody has to feed the babies.

:iagree:

[Mom In Missouri]

After everything you've outlined that has been done to help this family and the twins arrival, I'd say that's more than generous from the congregation. I've looked several times after being motivated by this sort of situation and yet to find where scripture points to someone being demanding of their God given load in life to burden others with in doing for them.

 

I'd but out. Cut the prepared meals off in two days, have three days of freezer meals prepared and let this gal work it out on her own. If her own husband and mother are people she expects to wait on her hand and foot, then what would stop her from thinking the world will do it too?

 

There is a difference between being loved like a Queen from a man (or from others) and being treated like a Queen from anyone. The last one can be spotted as its immediately following a demand.

 

You've been very gracious.

[tex-mex]

Don't be so quick to judge. Some of us who had difficulty with milk supply really, truly DID want to BF deep down. I had all kinds of problems with my oldest but was/am fortunately able to BF my younger ones. Prior to the birth of my 2nd, could you have distinguished me from these women you condemn?

 

Gosh... I didn't read any judging in Caribbean Mom's or Mrs. Mungo's posts?

I think the post by CM suggested that for some... they couldn't admit that they wanted to formula feed.

 

If it helps -- this weekend, the new mom's (mother who is a nurse) even publicly said to us that she doubts her daughter's sincerity to breastfeed at this point. But with her, it appears it has more to do with the new mom's lack or unmotivation to be there for her twins for nighttime feedings. Who knows? I'm just trying to analyze this new mom's behaviors. Please don't take any of this personally. So sorry! :grouphug:

[Stacie]

But with her, it appears it has more to do with the new mom's lack or unmotivation to be there for her twins for nighttime feedings. Who knows? I'm just trying to analyze this new mom's behaviors.

 

Something that I haven't seen mentioned, but if it has I'm sorry for repeating...

 

This new mom should be monitored for PPD. The lack of interest in the well-being of her new babies certainly raises warning flags from where I sit. Please talk this over with her mother so someone will be watching for more signs and seek help for her quickly, if it comes to that.

[tex-mex]

Given what you've said about the dynamics of this marriage, I'd go to the husband. I'd skirt gently around it - something about how when moms are new moms they're often overwhelmed and not hearing what they need to know (which is true) as the reason why you're going to him with it & tell him that these babies need to be fed more often than she's planning.

 

Back it up with something written - a brochure from public health or similar would be ideal. Keep it short and sweet, just the facts.

 

I'm an IBCLC and I'd dearly love to see every baby raised on human milk but that's just not going to happen here. Unless she does a 180 in personality overnight, it is not going to happen. But there is some responsibility to make sure the babies are being fed. If she won't do it, then he'll have to get up at night so she can get her beauty sleep. Somebody has to feed the babies.

 

After that, I'd butt out. It's between them & the children's doctor.

 

Thank you! I agree. And her hubby is very open to others. The one good thing with hubby and her mom (and volunteers) helping with the nighttime feedings... the preemies are now at 1% in weight and length. That is good news! And yes, I need to butt out. :D

[Aussenfay]

You have enabled a monster :grouphug:.

 

The nightime feedings by volunteers have got to stop asap. I can understand nighttime volunteers for twins and nicu babies, but to do so much for such an extended period of time is exceedingly generous. If everyone is so committed to this mom breastfeeding then the nighttime volunteers should have been organized to change diapers and help get babies back to sleep, not to feed them. I don't think you can really say anything because in a way, you had a part in her breastfeeding struggles. It sounds like everyone did the best they could at the time, and now you're dealing with some unexpected consequences. I hope this doesn't sound unkind. It sounds like your heart is given to generosity and sacrificial service :grouphug:.

 

Stop the food deliveries (kindly, perhaps a note with one last dinner saying "It has been our pleasure to serve you during your time of need. Our prayers are with you as you raise your sweet babies for the Lord's glory...) If you don't do something soon, then you risk nurturing a bad spirit in both yourself and your church family. Her behavior is atrocious, but you can't change that.

[tex-mex]

Something that I haven't seen mentioned, but if it has I'm sorry for repeating...

 

This new mom should be monitored for PPD. The lack of interest in the well-being of her new babies certainly raises warning flags from where I sit. Please talk this over with her mother so someone will be watching for more signs and seek help for her quickly, if it comes to that.

 

Heavens! You may be onto something... she really just comes across as irritable, whiny, and not motivated. Will keep tabs (delicately suggested to hubby as not to panic him) on this.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Heavens! You may be onto something... she really just comes across as irritable, whiny, and not motivated. Will keep tabs (delicately suggested to hubby as not to panic him) on this.

You just described me when I am fighting depression. ;) When it is bad, I am a little more than irritable. :D

[unsinkable]

After three premies, four c-sections, three extended NICU stays of 2+ weeks, and bedrest for preterm labor, I received a grand total of four prepared meals for my family. My dh had to leave for a four day out-of-town business trip while the second one was in NICU, and no one to stay with me to help. We not only survived, but thrived by learning to be independent, caring, and nurturing parents. Please give her the opportunity to grow into an independent adult, mother, and wife.

 

 

ETA: You are a great person to help her out so much. I wish I had a friend like you!!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I want to bring you a dinner now.

[tex-mex]

You have enabled a monster :grouphug:.

 

The nightime feedings by volunteers have got to stop asap. I can understand nighttime volunteers for twins and nicu babies, but to do so much for such an extended period of time is exceedingly generous. If everyone is so committed to this mom breastfeeding then the nighttime volunteers should have been organized to change diapers and help get babies back to sleep, not to feed them. I don't think you can really say anything because in a way, you had a part in her breastfeeding struggles. It sounds like everyone did the best they could at the time, and now you're dealing with some unexpected consequences. I hope this doesn't sound unkind. It sounds like your heart is given to generosity and sacrificial service :grouphug:.

 

Guilty as charged. :D

 

The nighttime feedings have taken a life of its own -- but hubby and her mom are in charge of that. They are concerned that they will be unable to continue this pattern (hubby will need to travel on business & her mom goes back to work as nightshift ER 3 nights a week) thus-- they are soliciting help from the younger members of our homechurch who can "burn the midnight oil" and help feed the twins while mom sleeps.

 

Stop the food deliveries (kindly, perhaps a note with one last dinner saying "It has been our pleasure to serve you during your time of need. Our prayers are with you as you raise your sweet babies for the Lord's glory...) If you don't do something soon, then you risk nurturing a bad spirit in both yourself and your church family. Her behavior is atrocious, but you can't change that.

 

That was done officially this weekend with a kind note by myself. Never heard back from her (I usually do) which makes me think in my OP that I am now on her "hit" list. *sigh*

[olan719]

I agree with the pps that say you need to stay out of it, and let them determine what's best for their family. However, I did want to offer some suggestions that worked for us in our situation, in case you were ever in the position to give some practical suggestions...either to her or to the husband.

 

I can't help with the breastfeeding issue because that is something you have to truly want to do yourself to make it happen. But regarding the sleeping issue, DH and I split the night up. Getting 8 hours of sleep is just downright unrealistic at this point, but I did need about 4 to 5 hours of sleep to function, especially since they never seemed to nap at the same time. :tongue_smilie:Therefore, napping in the day was hard for me to do. So, some nights I would go to bed at 7 and sleep until the midnight feeding. Then DH would go to bed so he could sleep for work, and I would handle the rest of the night. It really stunk doing this for months on end, but I lived. ;) I think she is in a lot of "shock" right now. Getting two babies on the first go 'round is a real eye opener! :lol:

[tex-mex]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I want to bring you a dinner now.

 

I could use a Chai Latte and a hug... LOL. It hurts to be rejected and see someone hurting. And nothing ya can do a durn thing about it. :grouphug: Right back at ya.

[tex-mex]

I agree with the pps that say you need to stay out of it, and let them determine what's best for their family. However, I did want to offer some suggestions that worked for us in our situation, in case you were ever in the position to give some practical suggestions...either to her or to the husband.

 

I can't help with the breastfeeding issue because that is something you have to truly want to do yourself to make it happen. But regarding the sleeping issue, DH and I split the night up. Getting 8 hours of sleep is just downright unrealistic at this point, but I did need about 4 to 5 hours of sleep to function, especially since they never seemed to nap at the same time. :tongue_smilie:Therefore, napping in the day was hard for me to do. So, some nights I would go to bed at 7 and sleep until the midnight feeding. Then DH would go to bed so he could sleep for work, and I would handle the rest of the night. It really stunk doing this for months on end, but I lived. ;) I think she is in a lot of "shock" right now. Getting two babies on the first go 'round is a real eye opener! :lol:

 

Thanks so much! I will pass on your advice! She has no one from a twin POV -- she doesn't even have a book (i.e. What to Expect the First Year) to help her! Any advice from twin mamas are VERY encouraged!!

[olan719]

Thanks so much! I will pass on your advice! She has no one from a twin POV -- she doesn't even have a book (i.e. What to Expect the First Year) to help her! Any advice from twin mamas are VERY encouraged!!

 

I'm sending you a PM.

[unsinkable]

Don't be so quick to judge. Some of us who had difficulty with milk supply really, truly DID want to BF deep down. I had all kinds of problems with my oldest but was/am fortunately able to BF my younger ones. Prior to the birth of my 2nd, could you have distinguished me from these women you condemn?

 

Unless I read the posts wrong...this woman lied/mislead people about whether she was pumping. That is not the action of a woman who wants to breastfeed.

[unsinkable]

I could use a Chai Latte and a hug... LOL. It hurts to be rejected and see someone hurting. And nothing ya can do a durn thing about it. :grouphug: Right back at ya.

 

I think you are a sweetheart...and vent away...

 

Chai Latte, coming right up!

[ChrisB]

http://www.twinstuff.com/forum/index.php?/forum/66-for-parents/ scroll down for the categories...

 

This is a good, online resource/forum for parents of twins.

Edited November 16, 2009 by ChrisB

[tex-mex]

Unless I read the posts wrong...this woman lied/mislead people about whether she was pumping. That is not the action of a woman who wants to breastfeed.

 

Correct... we were all led to believe she was pumping. All of us found out much later she wasn't. My guess is it was too difficult for her due to lack of sleep, PPD, or who knows? The issue is she is close (if not already) dried up and still saying she wants to breastfeed but shows no inclination to do so. :confused:

[tex-mex]

http://www.twinstuff.com/forum/index.php?/forum/66-for-parents/

 

This is a good, online resource/forum for parents of twins.

 

THANKS!! :)

[Aussenfay]

Guilty as charged. :D

 

The nighttime feedings have taken a life of its own -- but hubby and her mom are in charge of that. They are concerned that they will be unable to continue this pattern (hubby will need to travel on business & her mom goes back to work as nightshift ER 3 nights a week) thus-- they are soliciting help from the younger members of our homechurch who can "burn the midnight oil" and help feed the twins while mom sleeps.

 

 

 

That was done officially this weekend with a kind note by myself. Never heard back from her (I usually do) which makes me think in my OP that I am now on her "hit" list. *sigh*

 

 

What will happen when you say "no" to "burning the midnight oil"? My hubby would step in and address her hubby at this point :D. Perhaps you could suggest that in lieu of nighttime help that he try to arrange a mother's helper for an hour or two on the afternoons that her mother is unavailable (sleeping for night shift). She could nap, shower, catch up on laundry...

 

I would pray that God give the husband wisdom in what is good for both his own family AND the church family. Strange situation...

[Soph the vet]

At first I read "twins" and was going to cut her some slack, but as I read on I decided not to;). I agree with whoever said leave her alone and let her grow up. No more meals but if she is really struggling in the culinary arts maybe some helpful time-saver tips, etc. would be appreciated. The first month is the hardest, IMO and she is past that...so let her go!

[jujsky]

I don't really see an issue with the breastfeeding, as that's a personal choice. Maybe she does want to do it, but doesn't really understand the work involved. It can be hard for some people.

 

What would irritate me is her expectations. They are totally unrealistic. If her mom is living with her and she has a very devoted husband, I honestly don't see why she would need any outside help at all. Feedings? Meals for 4 WEEKS, and she wants lunch as well? Can we say, "entitlement mentality?" I'd wean her off of all these extras pretty quickly. I can understand SOME help with meals for a week, maybe 2 since she had a c-section and premature twins, but 4 weeks? That's ridiculous, and it's not healthy. She sounds like the type of woman who is only going to expect more the more you offer to her. Cut. Her. Off.

[Impish]

If she continued to complain about problems nursing- I would just continue to reply "maybe you should talk to a lactation consultant" or if I *really* couldn't resist I might say "hmmm I think not breastfeeding at night can really affect your supply, maybe you should talk to a lactation consultant".

 

As far as the rest of it-well wow. I can't imagine. And yes it's time to stop the meals all together.

:iagree:

I also agree about PPD...but honestly, it sounds as if she's immature and has entitlement issues out the wazoo.

[mommaduck]

Sounds like the only way she will learn is if she falls down and has to pick herself up (aka, is left with full responsibility of herself and her babes...come on, she can make herself a sandwich or a bowl of soup!)

 

 

And yes, pass the bean dip ("maybe you should talk to a lactation consultant")

[swellmomma]

After three premies, four c-sections, three extended NICU stays of 2+ weeks, and bedrest for preterm labor, I received a grand total of four prepared meals for my family. My dh had to leave for a four day out-of-town business trip while the second one was in NICU, and no one to stay with me to help. We not only survived, but thrived by learning to be independent, caring, and nurturing parents. Please give her the opportunity to grow into an independent adult, mother, and wife.

 

 

ETA: You are a great person to help her out so much. I wish I had a friend like you!!!

 

No freaking kidding. I came home from the hospital with a preemie after a c-section and had to cook dinner for my husband(who never even brought me home from the hospital, my father did that).

 

Whether that woman wants to breastfeed or not is not a big issue. The fact that she is taking advantage of the good will your homechurch wanted to bestow on her is unbelievable. So much for the good example the pastor's wife should be setting. I would be civil at work functions but otherwise cut ties. How can the pastor lead your home church when he supports his wife being such a flipping user.

[Danestress]

And now I think you should back all the way out. You were right (IMO) to end the lunches, and you are probably right about the pumping.

 

But absolutely positively do not feel compelled to announce to her that her failure to produce milk is her fault.

 

Caring for twins is really hard. In a way, I can see why she wants her sleep at night. I nursed mine for 17 months, and I am a big fan of breastfeeding, so I would support her, as you have done, in trying. But honestly, I would have been a better mother in other ways if I had more sleep. It's hard to cope and make decisions when one is exhausted, and maybe in the greater picture, she instinctively knows that for *her* she will cope better with twin babies if she gets the rest she needs. We are all different. So if she asked my advice, I would have encouraged her to nurse. But if she told me she has to have the sleep, I wouldn't argue with that. Who am I to say otherwise? I have no idea what her mental health status is.

 

I am not a "self help" book reader, and while I did read a couple when pregnant, I don't think it's a big deal that she hasn't. Every woman needs to find her own way through this. If her husband wants to read some, maybe he could do that and then he will have some ideas.

 

I think you are absolutely right that she's demanding too much of her church support group. It sounds very strange to me, but I had very few meals delivered after I gave birth, and really, we ate fine. I don't understand the mentality that a woman's friends are all supposed to provide weeks of meals after birth. I will take a meal to each woman who gives birth in our church, but if I wanted to be a martyr to meal provision, I would do it for the sick more than the newly delivered. Just me.

 

I think in the end, you offer what you offer and let her figure out the rest. There is no way I would offer provide night-time feedings. But I also wouldn't judge her for asking her husband and mother to help for the time being. Whatever. She can figure this out and her husband can figure it out, and I would try to refrain from even having an opinion about it because once I have said "I really can't do that" the rest is up to her. Maybe there are people who would love to be asked, you know?

 

I would try to love her, to understand that I really can't know what her marriage/mental health status is, and to offer what I am really willing to offer and then let her handle the rest. I was in a mother-of-multiples club for a long time, and one thing I really noticed is that when mothers allow people in to help, they open themselves up to having people see their homes, their parenting, their marriages, and then evaluate and make judgments about them and talk about it. If I were going have a heart to heart with her about anything, that's what it would be. She has asked a lot of people and put them in a position to judge her, and now they kind of are. I would tell her this so that she would remember that as much as possible, if she and her husband handle their own situations, they will avoid the judgment of others.

Edited November 16, 2009 by Danestress