BakersDozen Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 My mom is visiting. :glare: about sums up how I feel. She arrived on Tuesday and we had our first fight this afternoon. Quick story: she left some important papers in her hotel room so wanted to drive 1.5 hours back to pick them up. She had said that once it was determined they were still there it didn't matter when she got them so I was surprised that she decided to go this afternoon rather than when I take her back to the airport in a week. She asked my 13yod to go with her which made my dd feel awkward because every Thursday afternoon a dear lady from church comes for the afternoon to visit. She's 70 and has taught my dc to crochet, knit (even the boys!), she's been at the birth of 2 of my babies and is a wonderful woman. Here's where it got ugly...my dd approached me and said she didn't not want to go because she didn't want to sit in the car for 3 hours and trail my mom around the mall (my mom takes a long, long time wandering around stores). I told dd to respectfully tell my mom that she would prefer not to go which she did, and my mom snapped, "Do what you want to do then." My dd stood there shocked as my mom then proceeded to tell me that she came to visit and spend time w/her grandkids, that she felt hurt and offended that not only did my dd not want to go but we had not cancelled the time w/our friend, etc. Without going into the whole ugly conversation, she took everything personally. She is angry that this other woman is so important to us, resents what this woman has done for our family and is behaving like a spoiled brat! I am so angry with her! To make it worse, my mom doesn't get up until 9am, by the time she drags herself around getting ready it is 10am, then she wants to go get get coffee which takes her away until 11am. When she had an opportunity this morning to be w/my younger girls she sent them to their room to play while she sat and read on the couch. And she has the audacity to complain about not having time w/her grandkids??? She's the one who chose to use the rest of her afternoon getting files she doesn't need! She's ticked off and hurt and I'm majorly p!ssed! She's due back this evening and I fear it will get ugly. We've had so many battles the last 16 years I'm surprised we are speaking at all. She is a bitter, defensive, insecure person who takes anything said innocently and turns it into a personal attack. I can't even tell my dh what happened because he'd probably pack her bags and have them waiting outside the front door for her when she comes home. Should I have cancelled our time w/our friend? It's not like my mom is here for a few days (we're stuck w/her for 2 weeks). Why can't she be gracious and join in the fellowship? Because of my immature mom we can't join this lovely woman for the movie night we always have when her dh goes hunting for the weekend. I am so angry!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I think you did fine in still having your friend come. Your dd did fine in expressing her desire not to go as she did. Your mom was out of line. An appropriate boundary might be "Mom, if you are going go complain then I (or we) will get up and go into the other room." Be "professionally polite" until/unless she starts acting in a nicer manner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I don't cancel standing activities when we have company (ballet, swimming, soccer). I always let the company know my kids will be attending x, y, and z events and they are welcome to attend and watch/participate or hang out while we go. The same would apply if we had a regular visitor. Is it possible your mom is jealous? (and you have reinforced my decision to live as far as humanly possible from my family with infrequent visits). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I'm going to tell you a reverse situation, and how I felt about it. I do not live near my parents. My mom has a good friend around my age, who has kids my age. When we went to visit, my mom invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner. I resented their intrusion on my family time. I didn't tell my mom but we have such little time with them that I did not care for having this other family there. Their children took away grandparent time from my kids, who hardly ever get to see their grandparents. I explained my feelings to my mom at a later date, when I had calmed down, and she has promised not to do that again. She was just trying to be nice to them but will not include them again when we are there unless my parents are giving a larger, less intimate party. That said, your mother should have spoken to you privately, and not had a fit in front of your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 You and your dd did the right thing. She has no right to overstep boundaries , I cant stand that they think they have Grandma time on their time and never consider or take into consideration other peoples time or feelings. I hope things go better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) Time to use the B-word: boundaries!:D Basically you are going to have to determine what is acceptable behavior, conversation, activities, actions, etc. for your mother in your home and try to gently explain them to her. If she refuses to comply, then time her out! Go into the other room. Go outside for a walk. If she speaks rudely to your guest or one of your children, explain that you do not speak to each other in that manner and take everyone else to another room or activity. You might give your friend a head's up before hand so she will not be traumatized if you have to apply some tough love. Your mother will either get mad and leave or straighten up and get with the program. She may temporarily try to back you down with ranting or snarking. Would you tolerate such disrespect from one of your children? Then don't take it from her. As a married woman, you cleave to your husband. Your mother's role as an authority in your life is greatly if not entirely diminished. You still should honor her as your mother, but if her behavior does not earn respect, then it is not due. In an ideal situation, our mothers would function as mentors, guides, and friends. But that is not the reality many of us face. Mothers are only human, and therefore, flawed just as the rest of us are. I see no reason to allow a toxic personality to damage the harmony of a well-functioning household merely because the perpetrator is your mother. Only you can determine what your limits are and what exceptions you will consider out of love and kindness. No one can force you to offer those things, which generally never grow in response to demands and forcefulness. Edited October 30, 2009 by hillfarm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am amazed at the disrespect so many people here have towards their parents and inlaws. I'm not saying you should cancel your plans, but she did come to see you and her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. I would give anything in life for my parents to come and spend 2 weeks with me.....but they are both deceased so thats not possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I think the problem isn't whether you made the right choice in plans. It's that you still cling to the hope she'll react differently. I'm sorry her worldview is such a frustration for you! I'd feel the same way you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am amazed at the disrespect so many people here have towards their parents and inlaws. I'm not saying you should cancel your plans, but she did come to see you and her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. I would give anything in life for my parents to come and spend 2 weeks with me.....but they are both deceased so thats not possible. I have to agree with this. My parent's are both gone and one of my husband's. Yes, I would give a lot to have them back. If I had been in your position I would have cancelled the friend visit. I would have continued ballet or sports, but the friend visit has a different feel to it. Frankly, it sounds as if this friend has taken the place of your mother in your life. Your mother should not have snapped at your daughter...and I question her desire to drive back and forth, but shopping is a time honored female bonding activity. Maybe all the girls in your home should have loaded up and had a road trip. I'm a Mom/MIL now and I see how hard it is to please adult children and their spouses. I'm the bad guy all the time now. I really try not to be. My son is difficult to get along with, so I expect if he did message board posts, I'd be the subject of many of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Should I have cancelled our time w/our friend? :grouphug: I suspect no matter what you did, she would have been angry at something. A reasonable mother I'd have sent the 9 year old with. An unreasonable one, no. You have lots of kids. She could be doing much more fun and helpful things than malls. All I can say is that you should take some deep breaths, make the best of it, let it drop, it will be over soon, and don't be that kind of gm when you are older. I'm so sorry. I get a knot thinking about fighting with my mother, and am very grateful she, crusty as she was, never thought to fight with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GESTEP Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 If there are scheduled activities like soccer, church, etc then we do not change when family visits. If it is something social I would never dream of having someone visit if family is here. As for the papers I would have driven the 1.5 hours too. Just because the papers are there now does not mean they will still be around when she returns in 2 weeks. things like that easily get thrown away. My mom is up at the crack of dawn, while we stay up until the crack of dawn but I make sure I get up earlier (not dawn) to spend time with her. It is inconvenient for our schedule and I don't look forward to the interruption but it is family and it is not always about us. this would have been an excellent time to teach you dd to sacrifice her wants for someone else's. Someday we will be the in-laws and grandparents interrupting our children's lives and annoying them. :D I hope you get things worked out and enjoy the rest of the visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I would have rescheduled the friend's visit, it would be uncomfortable for everyone if your Mom is jealous and not handling it well. Since you see the friend weekly, missing a week or two doesn't seem like a big deal to me and you can make up the time another week if necessary. I absolutely agree with not letting her throw a fit in front of your children but instead politely, firmly, cheerfully ignoring it. Hopefully she will calm down on her drive today and tomorrow morning you can start fresh and cheerfully ask her what fun things she wants to do with the day? And if you are willing to reschedule next week's visit, let her know that...it might make her feel a lot better/respected/wanted. When my parents come to visit, we don't schedule friend stuff for ourselves or the kids, but we still do sports and other activities and take them along. We fill the rest of the time with planned activities they will enjoy doing with the kids. Busy is better for avoiding awkward moments! I am also not into shopping as a hobby, so I really understand your dd not wanting to do that. What else does your Mom like to do? Maybe a shorter shopping trip with a purpose would be better, or baking pies, or going to the movies, or scrapbooking, or going out to lunch.... if you want to honor her and preserve a relationship with her, find an activity that will make her feel wanted and included. If shopping is really her only thing, give her an assignment that helps you -- send her with one kid to find ballet shoes, craft supplies, whatever you need. And next time, I would try keep the visit to 4-5 days... 2 weeks is a LONG time when the relationship is strained already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria from IN Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I have had to practice saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Huh. Well, for one, it's too bad your Mom is so jealous that she can't have a fun time with a family friend. You know, I'm all for guests, and I do and will go out of my way for them, but a guest has to know how to be a good guest, too. And having you drive three hours and making you change everyone's schedule to hers is not a good guest. Boundaries. She needs to know yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Time to use the B-word: boundaries!:D Basically you are going to have to determine what is acceptable behavior, conversation, activities, actions, etc. for your mother in your home and try to gently explain them to her. If she refuses to comply, then time her out! Go into the other room. Go outside for a walk. If she speaks rudely to your guest or one of your children, explain that you do not speak to each other in that manner and take everyone else to another room or activity. You might give your friend a head's up before hand so she will not be traumatized if you have to apply some tough love. Your mother will either get mad and leave or straighten up and get with the program. She may temporarily try to back you down with ranting or snarking. Would you tolerate such disrespect from one of your children? Then don't take it from her. As a married woman, you cleave to your husband. Your mother's role as an authority in your life is greatly if not entirely diminished. You still should honor her as your mother, but if her bahavior does not earn respect, then it is not due. In an ideal situation, our mothers would function as mentors, guides, and friends. But that is not the reality many of us face. Mothers are only human, and therefore, flawed just as the rest of us are. I see no reason to allow a toxic personality to damage the harmony of a well-functioning household merely because the perpetrator is your mother. Only you can determine what your limits are and what exceptions you will consider out of love and kindness. No one can force you to offer those things, which generally never grow in response to demands and forcefulness. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Time to use the B-word: boundaries!:D Basically you are going to have to determine what is acceptable behavior, conversation, activities, actions, etc. for your mother in your home and try to gently explain them to her. If she refuses to comply, then time her out! Go into the other room. Go outside for a walk. If she speaks rudely to your guest or one of your children, explain that you do not speak to each other in that manner and take everyone else to another room or activity. You might give your friend a head's up before hand so she will not be traumatized if you have to apply some tough love. Your mother will either get mad and leave or straighten up and get with the program. She may temporarily try to back you down with ranting or snarking. Would you tolerate such disrespect from one of your children? Then don't take it from her. As a married woman, you cleave to your husband. Your mother's role as an authority in your life is greatly if not entirely diminished. You still should honor her as your mother, but if her bahavior does not earn respect, then it is not due. In an ideal situation, our mothers would function as mentors, guides, and friends. But that is not the reality many of us face. Mothers are only human, and therefore, flawed just as the rest of us are. I see no reason to allow a toxic personality to damage the harmony of a well-functioning household merely because the perpetrator is your mother. Only you can determine what your limits are and what exceptions you will consider out of love and kindness. No one can force you to offer those things, which generally never grow in response to demands and forcefulness. :iagree:Your mom and my mom are cut from the same cloth. I know everything you are feeling right now. My mother is due to visit in 3 weeks, and she will be here for 2. I love my mother very much; however, I know my life will have to stop when she arrives (or I will need to prep her before she comes if I can't change a set of plans - I've done this for one event that has been planned for months). My mother is extremely jealous of others in her kids' lives. Instead of wanting us to be happy and see us thrive, she has always been defensive of our success, especially in the close friendships we may share with others. Purely by fact that she is our "mother", she feels she should be most important... sometimes superceding our husbands. That is unacceptable to me, and I've had to maintain my boundaries many times with her, and I plan to continue this. She is one of the reasons why Dh & I moved 1000 miles away. We were suffocating, and my relationship with her was affecting our marriage. I am not disrespectful when I deal with her, yet I do make sure to explain that my life is mine. In many ways, I have to be the adult, while she acts like a spoiled child. My consistent, loving "demand" for my boundaries is paying off, but it takes a lot of patience and mental effort from me because she does not see that her behavior is inconsiderate and inappropriate at times (ie. in front of the kids). When she is visiting, I back off on my time with friends because I've learned that she is never going to understand how some of my friends are like family to me. Instead of wanting me to have close relationships and security since I'm so far from her, she is jealous. So, I tread carefully here out of respect. I endure the time she is visiting knowing that we only see her a few times a year. If she begins to cross the line though, I will stand firm and remind her that she is my guest, and I do have a life that I am living before she arrives and then after she leaves. I hope to not be like her when my sons are grown... Wishing you all the best and sending lots of :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks for the replies. For those who would have cancelled or feel that my keeping social appointments is disrespect, please understand that my mom is a petty, jealous, insecure, vindictive woman. It wasn't the friend coming over, it was who the friend was. My mom chose money and career over family until it was convenient for her and in that time the Lord brought another woman who loves my dc as though they are her own. This woman respects my mom and enjoys talking with her, we don't visit and leave my mom out. My mom is as ungracious a human being as ever existed. When she and my mil lived 15 minutes away from each other my mom refused to go to a park or anywhere my mil might also be. She is that immature. She is currently fretting over how much time my brother's mil is spending w/his baby compared to what my mom got to spend. It.never.ends. I thought this afternoon would be a sweet time of fellowship, it's super cold so I had tea and cookies, and my mom blew it as she always does. And she brought my dd into it. I don't mean disrespect and do not plan other get-togethers while she is here, but this was different, she knew it, and she was determined to ruin it (which she didn't as the friend still came over once my mom was gone; we enjoyed three precious hours together w/my 6 other dc who were home). I think about my mom dying and wonder what if anything I would change. The horrible thing is that all I can think of is, "God, don't let me ever be like her; what a waste her last years were." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am amazed at the disrespect so many people here have towards their parents and inlaws. I'm not saying you should cancel your plans, but she did come to see you and her grandkids and wants to spend time with them. I would give anything in life for my parents to come and spend 2 weeks with me.....but they are both deceased so thats not possible. I can understand how you feel. Obviously, you loved your parents and in-laws and wish that you could have had more time with them. But to call others who don't feel the same way disrespectful, simply isn't fair. Some people are just plain toxic. You can't expect someone with toxic parents or in-laws to feel about them, the way you felt about yours. My in-laws are a burden on their family plain and simple. As harsh as that sounds, it is just the truth. It says nothing about me or weather I respect them. It says plenty about them. There will be no pining away for them once they are gone. Our burden will be lifted. My own father abused me my entire childhood. I will not wish for more time with him when he is gone. This isn't disrespect. It is a fact that is more painful to us then I could ever say. It is desperately painful to have a parent like this. Those of us who do, share a loss just as painful and deep as yours, and may I say, possibly even more so. You will wish forever that you could have had more time with your wonderful parents/ in-laws. We will wish forever that we had had parents at all. Ours didn't qualify for the title. Please don't try to make us feel even worse then we already do while trying to deal with these selfish people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithHopeLove Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 My mom and I have had our moments too. I try hard to love and honor her. I fail and so does she. But we pick ourselves up and talk it out and forgive each other. At one point we had to take a year break from each other. It is much better now. We have had many talks about what I need from her and what I have problems with. I like it when she expresses her "humble" opinion on occasion because sometimes I really need to hear what she is saying. But she can't force it on me. I won't allow her to disrespect my husband (that's why we needed the year break!). We can't have these talks in the heat of the moment, though. It has to be over a cup of coffee/tea after the kids go to bed or over the phone when we are both calm and in good moods. She did not have an easy life and I try to give her as much grace as I can within reason. She will always be my mom and she is my kids only living grandma. It's important and essential that she is in our lives. We disagree on a lot, she can be pessimistic, but I still love her a ton! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam101 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 My 2 cents I think you should have canceled having the other woman over. She is there every week, your mother is only there for two! My MIL comes to our home every Wednesday to do bible study with my son, when my mom is town she graciously backs away and lets us spend time with my mom. My other point is I think you set your daughter up. You know your mom, you know she is easily offend, but yet you sent her in there to tell Grandma, "I don't want to spend the day with you I would rather stay and be with so-in-so that is here all the time." I'm sure your daughter worded it better then that, but who wouldn't be offended! I'd be crushed if my grandchild did that and I'm not easily offended! I think you owe both your mother and daughter an apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 My grandfather acted like that once. I could hear it from the other end of the house. She said, " [his name] if you are so miserable being here then by all means pack your bags and go home." Then she walked out of the room and went for a drive. My mother is not the type to blow up at people, and she wasn't screaming but she was certainly firm and loud. He was perfectly behaved after that. I don't know if it would work on your mom but I think you need to call it like you see it in a firm but polite manner. YOu can still be respectful, even if she's not. It is difficult for two sets of people to co-exist in one space because our life rhythms are so different from others. I bet it is frustrating for both of you. Could you sit down and just go over expectations for the rest of the time so you are all on the same page? I don't see any reason why it would be a problem for your mother to meet a friend of yours since she is going to be there for so long. If it was a very short visit I would have canceled with the friend, but not with it being 2 weeks. She is jealous, and angry with herself, because she sees that this woman has been a true grandmother to your children. That must be hard for her. :iagree: Out of all of your replies, this is the one I agree with completely. Definitely set your boundaries, but know that sometimes people choose to withdraw entirely rather than respect your boundaries. That's what my mother chose. On the other end of the spectrum is my dad. He's the best guest. He comes bearing gifts, often takes us out to dinner, doesn't expect us to change anything, and enjoys the down time just hanging out with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 If I had been in your position I would have cancelled the friend visit. I would have continued ballet or sports, but the friend visit has a different feel to it. Frankly, it sounds as if this friend has taken the place of your mother in your life. QUOTE] :iagree: Completely. Your mother's feelings are probably very hurt over the fact that you and your dc would rather spend time w/ the other lady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 My 2 cents I think you should have canceled having the other woman over. She is there every week, your mother is only there for two! My MIL comes to our home every Wednesday to do bible study with my son, when my mom is town she graciously backs away and lets us spend time with my mom. My other point is I think you set your daughter up. You know your mom, you know she is easily offend, but yet you sent her in there to tell Grandma, "I don't want to spend the day with you I would rather stay and be with so-in-so that is here all the time." I'm sure your daughter worded it better then that, but who wouldn't be offended! I'd be crushed if my grandchild did that and I'm not easily offended! I think you owe both your mother and daughter an apology. I didn't have to apologize, my mom did it first. Guess Phoenix has freezing weather tonight. ;) Seriously, she was broken and I didn't have to say a word. She confessed that she was a total brat, that she was wrong, jealous, immature, etc. She confessed to my dd (who didn't want to not go w/my mom just to be with our friend, she also didn't want to make another 3 hour drive and trail my mom around the mall). So my mom came out of her snit and all is well. It was good, actually, because she used the word "humbled" and that's always good for us to experience (not always fun, but good). As for setting my dd up...yes, I did. My dd is the most important person in this world to my mom - more so than me (no exaggeration). The fact that my mom snapped at my dd crushed my mom and she needed that (her own words, not mine). She is ashamed of her behavior which is a good thing. It also helped my dd voice her own opinion instead of relying on me to do so - something my dd needs help on. Dd is fine, my mom is fine, and I'm eating chocolate and trying to destress from this day. :D I did apologize, though, for unintentionally hurting my mom. I told her that I wouldn't share time with this other woman with anyone who wasn't very special to me (ie: I would never have her over when my mil was here). The fact that I wanted her to be here when my mom was visiting was meant as a compliment, not a threat. Thankfully my mom understood and I about fainted. Almost 20 years of putting up with her and I see light at the end of the tunnel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm so glad that it turned out so well. I hope you have a lovely rest of your visit with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam101 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Dd is fine, my mom is fine, and I'm eating chocolate and trying to destress from this day. :D :lol: Glad everything turned out well! And thanks for not taking my post as an attack. It surely wasn't meant that way!! Sounds like your mom is at a point in her life where she is realizing that her own choices have left her out of the loop and she's finding it hard to get back in. I'm glad she took the right steps today. Hope the rest of your visit goes smoothly! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Wow that sounds like a big step in the right direction and it was very gracious of you to apologize and let her know you value her! Hope the rest of the visit goes much more smoothly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I didn't have to apologize, my mom did it first. Guess Phoenix has freezing weather tonight. ;) Seriously, she was broken and I didn't have to say a word. She confessed that she was a total brat, that she was wrong, jealous, immature, etc. She confessed to my dd (who didn't want to not go w/my mom just to be with our friend, she also didn't want to make another 3 hour drive and trail my mom around the mall). So my mom came out of her snit and all is well. It was good, actually, because she used the word "humbled" and that's always good for us to experience (not always fun, but good). As for setting my dd up...yes, I did. My dd is the most important person in this world to my mom - more so than me (no exaggeration). The fact that my mom snapped at my dd crushed my mom and she needed that (her own words, not mine). She is ashamed of her behavior which is a good thing. It also helped my dd voice her own opinion instead of relying on me to do so - something my dd needs help on. Dd is fine, my mom is fine, and I'm eating chocolate and trying to destress from this day. :D I did apologize, though, for unintentionally hurting my mom. I told her that I wouldn't share time with this other woman with anyone who wasn't very special to me (ie: I would never have her over when my mil was here). The fact that I wanted her to be here when my mom was visiting was meant as a compliment, not a threat. Thankfully my mom understood and I about fainted. Almost 20 years of putting up with her and I see light at the end of the tunnel. Major progress! I'm thrilled for you and your family. I hope this can be the start of better relationships all around. If you can find the book 'Irregular People' please do so. It helped me thirty years ago to deal with a MIL who didn't act like *I* thought she needed to. Maybe it will help you, too, to find peace, comfort, and even joy in your relationship with your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 You will wish forever that you could have had more time with your wonderful parents/ in-laws. We will wish forever that we had had parents at all. Ours didn't qualify for the title. Please don't try to make us feel even worse then we already do while trying to deal with these selfish people. This expresses my feelings exactly. I was not physically abused as a child, but there was a lot of emotional abuse and neglect by both of my parents. I have very little contact with my dad, although I do still try to make efforts with him, and my mom is completely out of the picture after having lived with us for a year and a half. I put out lots of effort with her over the years. I held on to false hopes. It is a hard place to be. I have a friend whose parents are deceased, and she tells me that she could never understand how I felt until she got to really know me and my situation. Now, she understands how some people do not feel about their parents the way she does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you. Keep what's good in the relationship and toss the rest. Use her as a model of what not to be in your children's lives, and you will have received a gift from her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I haven't read the responses, but my mom is difficult too. Still, I would have canceled the visit with the 70 yo so as not to hurt my mother's feelings. She rarely visits us and our visit to her sounds like your mom's visit to your home. When we visit my mom who lives a distance, she has the other grandchildren over who live right down the street and it causes a lot of jealousy for us. She doesn't change her schedule to mesh with our visit and there is the general sense that she doesn't like us that much. She's immature and superficial and I'm sad to say that when we visit her we all tend to be the same way. So I wonder, are you doing to her what she's doing to you but on a different level? It's rough, I know. How come we didn't get one of those warm, fuzzy moms who share their wisdom in a loving way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) :::Should have read the whole thread before replying::: Glad things are better! Edited October 30, 2009 by Oak Knoll Mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) Should I have cancelled our time w/our friend? It's not like my mom is here for a few days (we're stuck w/her for 2 weeks). Why can't she be gracious and join in the fellowship? Because of my immature mom we can't join this lovely woman for the movie night we always have when her dh goes hunting for the weekend. I am so angry!!! When my mom visits, we just include her in our plans. Two weeks is a long time to spend with just family members. My mom enjoys meeting our friends and socializing with them when she visits. I'm sorry your mom's visit is off to a rough start. I hope it gets better. ETA: Oops, I just read your update. I'm glad things are better. Edited October 30, 2009 by LizzyBee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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