myfatherslily Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 My husband is leaving. He is not angry with me. He just doesn't want to me with me. He intends to pay our mortgage and a couple other things. He says he's not planning to actually divorce, at least not anytime soon. We've only been talking about this for a month, but apparently he's been thinking about it longer than that. I'm still completely in shock. I was happy. And I still love him. He says he wants to move out next week. Does anyone have experience and suggestions about how to tell the kids? They are 5, 3, and 1. The baby obviously isn't gonna understand. But the other two are going to be completely devastated. He wants to be very involved in their lives, but still, daddy won't be coming home at night. They already get sad when he has to go to work in the morning or when he's home late because of his college courses. One of the other things on my mind (among many) is a job. I've never had more than a few college courses, no degree. My work experience is very limited. I've been a stay at home mom and we've just started our first year of school. It's my hearts desire to continue to stay home with the kids, but I do need some income, $800-1000/month. I've thought that maybe I could watch 2 extra children full time, though I'm not sure how much I could make with that. Then at least my own children would be with me. Are there other work at home jobs I could pursue? I thought too that I could get a weekend part time job cause that's when they would be able to spend the most time with their father. All advice/encouragement is welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't have any advice. I'm so sorry. I think your husband sounds extremely selfish. It sounds like he wants everything his way. He doesn't want to be with you but he obviously wants you there IF he should choose to come back. I don't like divorce and I'm always happy when people get back together but it sounds like he wants his own life but he wants yours too. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings. I'm not trying to. I just really feel for you. Do you have a church? Can you go to them for help? Family, friends? I would start there. Will he go to counseling? I think that is a good place to start. If he won't go then you should go alone. This is all advice from a person who is not and has never been divorced so please take it or ignore it with that in mind. Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 if your dh is leaving, you really need to get some type formal financial protection from him. Not suggesting divorce court yet, but you and your dc are in a very vulnerable situation financially. I would consult a family law attorney and draw up some formal papers outlining your dh's obligations financially to both you and your dc. Best wishes, :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 if your dh is leaving, you really need to get some type formal financial protection from him. Not suggesting divorce court yet, but you and your dc are in a very vulnerable situation financially. I would consult a family law attorney and draw up some formal papers outlining your dh's obligations financially to both you and your dc. Best wishes, :grouphug: I totally agree about this. I have a friend who is going through a year-long "trial separation" from her dh, and an attorney drew up all of the same papers they would have had with a divorce to cover support and visitation. They spend significant amounts of time together, and I think it is made much easier to know that it's all on paper with nothing left to argue about. As for the job thing, you may very well be able to find a weekend only position, especially in retail. When my stepson was little, his mother gladly let us have him every weekend that she didn't have a family event because she was able to work on just weekends that way and have the week free to be home with him. Her employer seemed to appreciate having someone guaranteed to be available on weekends, especially near the holidays. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) How can your husband afford to move out and maintain a separate household and leave you with worrying about supporting yourself? HIS choice should not put you in a financial bind. Period. Make copies of all the bank statements and other financial documents you can. Keep an eye on your accounts. :grouphug: K Edited October 3, 2009 by NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too regret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't have any real advice, but your post made me think of this article I read in the New York Times. The writer took an interesting approach to the very circumstances you are describing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annabel Lee Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 :grouphug: Sarah, I had an almost identical situation back in the spring. I got alot of very good advice here, some of which I never would have thought of myself - it would be worth looking up. Stay strong for your kiddos, they are young yet and won't have a full grasp of what things mean even if you tell them. If you want to talk to the kids about it, be ready for all the "but why" questions. For my kids I directed them to ask my dh why, because I didn't fully know why, and since he was the one leaving I figured he should have to tell them himself. Things worked themselves out here and no one left, but I can completely empathize. I know you must feel like your whole world has been turned on its head. Things that seemed to matter suddenly don't in light of trying to hang onto the one most important thing in your life. There will be a period of grieving and adjustment. I would watch your $ account(s) daily. As for work-at-home options, you've gotten good advice. I'll just add a warning to not fall prey to any of the many "home business" pyramid schemes out there. I wish you all the best and hope you will feel peace & rest within soon. ((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 That suggested NYT article is really amazing! Many people wrote in with their own experiences - definitely worth reading - whether you are having trouble in your marriage or not! OP - Stay strong and seek support as the others have said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Testimony Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) He says he wants to move out next week. Does anyone have experience and suggestions about how to tell the kids? They are 5, 3, and 1. The baby obviously isn't gonna understand. :grouphug: Sara, I just wanted to say that you should talk to the 1 year old too. The baby will not be able to express how he feels to you. I am definitely praying for you. Please let us know what is happening. Sincerely, Karen http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony Edited October 3, 2009 by Testimony grammar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 My husband is leaving. He is not angry with me. He just doesn't want to me with me. He intends to pay our mortgage and a couple other things. He says he's not planning to actually divorce, at least not anytime soon. We've only been talking about this for a month, but apparently he's been thinking about it longer than that. I'm still completely in shock. I was happy. And I still love him. He says he wants to move out next week. Does anyone have experience and suggestions about how to tell the kids? They are 5, 3, and 1. The baby obviously isn't gonna understand. But the other two are going to be completely devastated. He wants to be very involved in their lives, but still, daddy won't be coming home at night. They already get sad when he has to go to work in the morning or when he's home late because of his college courses. One of the other things on my mind (among many) is a job. I've never had more than a few college courses, no degree. My work experience is very limited. I've been a stay at home mom and we've just started our first year of school. It's my hearts desire to continue to stay home with the kids, but I do need some income, $800-1000/month. I've thought that maybe I could watch 2 extra children full time, though I'm not sure how much I could make with that. Then at least my own children would be with me. Are there other work at home jobs I could pursue? I thought too that I could get a weekend part time job cause that's when they would be able to spend the most time with their father. All advice/encouragement is welcome. Get yourself to a lawyer immediately. I'm sending you a pm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I agree with the others; get a legal separation if he moves out for your financial protection and planning purposes. It is easy for him to promise to be financially responsible when he hasn't left yet but when it comes to supporting two households those promises may lack execution. A separation agreement will outline specific things like medical coverage, custody and support issues. It sounds like you will be the primary custodial parent so you are the one who will most benefit from a formal court approved agreement. Don't let him be the one that makes the decisions. Make sure you assert yourself in this situation. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't have any real advice, but your post made me think of this article I read in the New York Times. The writer took an interesting approach to the very circumstances you are describing. Wow, I was thinking of the same article! I'm so glad you posted that. No advice, just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 My hubby and I separated for a time. He paid things in order to allow me to homeschool the kids. Of course, I couldn't be crazy money wise, but....A job is a good idea. A couple littles may be an option. You might check into a company like LiveOps (I've done for a few years) where you could work late nights or early mornings when the kids are sleeping. You could VERY easily make $1000/mo. Lots of people are making $2000 and $3000 (but of course, they are doing it as full time jobs). Maybe a relative (or dad) could take the kids on weekends so you could get a little extra work time in (those are the big money days). Anyway, the grass isn't greener and hubby is probably going to realize that. I hope he gets over whatever this is. BTW, hubby and I have been back together about 7 years and things have been pretty good. We'll always have bumps and things to work on, of course, but the short separation didn't end the marriage. We are both completely committed to our marriage and working it out. Divorce is almost NEVER a GOOD answer. Hopefully, y'all will decide to work it out and make marriage better than ever :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 , but....A job is a good idea. A couple littles may be an option. >>>> I would not get a job immediatley. Talk to a lawyer first and see what your rights are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you guys. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 i agree that you need legal advice/protection. i am going through something similar now; the verbal agreements weren't stood by so now there is a legal one in place. i am so sorry you and your children are facing this. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Whatever happens in the next few weeks, here are some thoughts... I watched a little one full time $400.00/month and that seemed on the less expensive side for this mom (she was a dear friend). I would think that you could watch 2 children and earn $1,000/mo. About the children. For now and for the next several days, if your husband is in cooperation, keep all information private and not spoken to or in front of the children. If it were me and my children had no idea what was going on, I'd try to keep it light. I would see where husband was going to live and take the children, ahead of time, to see and make it as nice as possible... "Hey, kiddos, look at daddy's new room! Isn't it neat? How wonderful that dad has another little house." This is an awful time... but trying to make it nicer is for the children, not for your husband. It's not the children's fault. So long as your husband is being nice and pleasant, why not put on the act in front of your little ones? Try to grieve privately, if possible. I'm so sorry. You are not sure how the next several months will play out. If you keep the children out of it and are able to keep changes as pleasant as possible, if your husband has a change of heart then he hasn't lost as much trust of his children and he doesn't need his extra little house anymore. Yeah, dad is home! If he walks away (I totally agree with having a lawyer right away. You must stand up for you and your children!!), then out of sight and sound of your children, you play the part of strong mom fighting for her and her children's futures. Eventually the children do realize that parents make crummy choices that hurt them... I believe in putting off that realization until they are older and more mature. If possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 You can make $800 a month babysitting. Call local day cares and ask for their rates. You should charge no less. Many people will pay more. Aim to get clients who make decent money and are likely to pay you every week like clockwork. If you babysit for a poor, single mother you won't have the heart to demand she pay you your entire fee even though she didn't make much in tips this week and she had to take a day off of work because the baby was sick, and her water got cut off. As me how I know this. :glare: Unless you can get a high paying weekend job, I don't think it will be worth the hassle and it won't make you $800 a month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 :grouphug: I agree with the other posters, a job is imperative. Do not ever put yourself in a position of requiring his payments, because if he is late on even 1 it messes up your entire budget for the month and if he stops paying anything at anytime you are toast. In home childcare is a very viable option if you have the space and patience for it. It is not for everyone but can certainly helpyou earn enough to not rely on his payments. I have been in separation limbo for 8 years. While I am the one that left the marriage with the kids, my ex has not been willing to finalize the divorce. He has a live in girlfriend, she wants him and I divorced as much as I do, BUT he doesn't want to release that control on me. Several times before he met her he told me he wanted me back, for us to still be a couple but did not want the kids (his own flesh and blood). Your situation is different, But it is still a control thing. He plans on keeping you married to him so you can't move on, and he is keeping you tied financially to him. In the end he gets to lead the life of a happy go lucky bachelor while keeping you on a short leash. Get a lawyer and a legal separation. Get a job so you don't have to rely on his money. Once you have income coming in, take the money he pays you and put it in the bank for emergencies, or the kids college. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 :grouphug: I agree with the other posters, a job is imperative. Do not ever put yourself in a position of requiring his payments, because if he is late on even 1 it messes up your entire budget for the month and if he stops paying anything at anytime you are toast. In home childcare is a very viable option if you have the space and patience for it. It is not for everyone but can certainly helpyou earn enough to not rely on his payments. I have been in separation limbo for 8 years. While I am the one that left the marriage with the kids, my ex has not been willing to finalize the divorce. He has a live in girlfriend, she wants him and I divorced as much as I do, BUT he doesn't want to release that control on me. Several times before he met her he told me he wanted me back, for us to still be a couple but did not want the kids (his own flesh and blood). Your situation is different, But it is still a control thing. He plans on keeping you married to him so you can't move on, and he is keeping you tied financially to him. In the end he gets to lead the life of a happy go lucky bachelor while keeping you on a short leash. Get a lawyer and a legal separation. Get a job so you don't have to rely on his money. Once you have income coming in, take the money he pays you and put it in the bank for emergencies, or the kids college. EVENTUALLY get a job of course. But not until you talk to an attorney. You do not want to look self sufficient when you go before a judge for support. You have 3 small children, your notdh is LEAVING you. You will be surprised how much a judge frowns on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer. Wait on getting a job. Do the research, know what you want to do but understand that anything you do now might impact alimony/child support in the future. People get really wierd when relationships start to fall apart. He may be a great guy making all the right promises but that can change in a heartbeat! Please protect yourself and your children by getting a lawyer to tell you the laws in your state for legal separation and divorce. For example, what are your rights if he just stops paying the mortgage? Can you pay it? If not, you need to make sure you have a legally enforceable agreement for him to pay. Good luck and :grouphug:, this won't be an easy ride. Oh, and one last thing, the best thing you can do for your kids is keep them out of this. Tell them the minimum they need to know. Don't be judgmental. At their age it is enough to say "Daddy is going to be living in another place for a little while. He loves you and will still want to see you tons and tons. We both love you and will always be around to take care of you just in different ways." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom3tn Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I am going through the same thing with my husband. He is being completely selfish. He just doesn't seem to want to grow up and be a husband and father. We had a nice, comfortable home for a little while and he just decided that he didn't want to pay for it anymore, didn't want to pay so many bills anymore, and he just wasn't happy with me anymore. He wants us to be able to live like we did before we had kids, when we both worked and had money to blow so we could pretty much do whatever we wanted. I think that after we had kids, I grew up and wanted to be more responsible; but he still wants to be able to spend money frivolously. Even though we both always agreed that we would homeschool and I would stay home with the kids, he seems to be resentful now because he is the only one working. I can't make him see that although I don't leave the house and go to a job and bring home a paycheck, I work, too. Anyway, he moved back to his mother's house and I moved the kids and myself back to my dad's house. We don't have enough room, and most of our things are in storage, but we are grateful to be able to stay here. My husband goes back and forth about whether he thinks we should get a divorce or not. He's not happy living this way, but wasn't happy living with me before either. Honestly, I don't think he's ever going to be happy. I have told him several times that I think we should get a divorce. I have been with him for 15 years, and there have been many other things that have happened during this time that have made me unable to trust him. I have not been happy with him, either, but would have stayed for the kids. We don't have the money to get a divorce right now, but I think it's what we need to do, eventually. He gives me half of the money that he brings home. It's usually enough to pay all the bills that I have to pay and have enough to buy groceries. If he is laid off and doesn't a paycheck, I don't get any money either. There have been many times this year that I have had to sell things in order to pay bills. My dad helps me when I need money for groceries. If we want to do fun stuff or go on field trips, husband will give me the money if he has it, but usually I have to sell something. I have been selling off my (huge) collection of books for a while now, and that has helped a lot. I have a friend who gives me books that she doesn't need so that I can sell them, too. He comes over and visits the kids for a little while after work several times a week. He never takes them to do anything. His visits consist of his sitting here and watching crap on television, or playing a video game on the Wii. Sometimes he'll just lay on the couch and sleep. He doesn't seem to have any interest in doing anything with us, or even just the kids. His interest seems to only go as far as that of anything else that he "owns". Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through and I'm sorry it is happening to you. I don't have the money for a lawyer, but I don't think that a judge would order him to give me as much money as he already does, much less order him to give me more. I know I need to get a job so that I can pay off my bills and get a real home for my kids, but I don't have anyone to keep them while I work. I can't rely on their father to be here regularly. I'm trying to hang on a little bit longer until they're old enough to stay home by themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged - people thinking that I need to put the kids in school and get a job (especially by MIL) - but we've been homeschooling for so long now, my kids have never been to public school, and I just don't want to give it up. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 If I remember correctly, there was good advice given in this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I think its nuts that he can afford to have another life, while leaving his wife and kids to struggle. Of course, I *always* think that is nuts, and is always seems to be what happens in divorce. Get everything in writing. EVERYTHING. And personally, I'd get legal separation papers drawn up. Immediately. Two reasons. One, it specifies money issues, etc. Two, you're not kept on a string forever. That way, if he doesn't pull his head out of his hind end, you can proceed with becoming legally free in a year, and not be jerked around (ie he's coming back, no he's not, he's coming back...etc). Its one thing if he's genuinely working to put things back together, another if he just wants a booty call when he's lonely. My dh and I have come up to the line of separation. I've made up my mind that if, God forbid, it does occur, once he walks out the door, he loses ALL marital benefits. No TeA time, no dinners, no laundry, etc. Full and reasonable access to the kids, absolutely...but no 'dropping in' whenever he feels like it. Once he leaves, its not his home anymore. If nothing else, I'll be deep fried in oil before I make 'single life' easy for him. If he wants to be separated, he gets all the 'joys' of it. And I'd make HIM answer the children. Its his idea to leave, not yours. Let him explain to the kids (in your presence) why he's leaving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[email protected] Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Please take further discussion to PMs. Moderator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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