When your child wants to do something you're afraid she's not ready to do . . .

[BamaTanya]

We took our first plane trip last month. I don't want to gloss over my kiddos' issues: 2 have ASD and are extremely anxious. I don't know if it's learned or innate, but 2 other kiddos seem to worry about everything. Seriously.

 

Dh and I aren't extremely comfortable with flying (it had been lots of years for both of us!), but we presented it to the dc with excitement, and, when one of them said, "Can't I stay home?", we responded with how fun it was going to be and how it would be so much faster than driving 2.5 days, etc, etc.

 

The trip went extremely well. Extremely.

 

HOWEVER, oldest dd was absolutely pale during the flights. Squeezed my hand so hard. Almost jumped out of her skin with relief after each landing (4).

 

Just a few days ago, when we were out shopping, I noticed, "Hey, that plane is coming in for a landing!"

 

And she said, "Those poor people!"

 

And I said, "What do you mean?"

 

And she said, "That traumatic experience!"

 

OK. So she's a little melodramatic. She's a teen with many of the stereotypical characteristics I was hoping we'd be able to skip. Including (real or imagined) panic attacks. I'm not being flippant about his. We're watching carefully to determine if/when she needs professional help. She has been in several situations in which she "shut down" because of fear and/or stress.

 

Now, a cousin (who has bushels of frequent flyer miles) has invited dd to head out west before school starts. And dd wants to go.

 

I checked the flights. There are THREE legs of the trip. Three flights. Each way. By herself.

 

I don't want to underestimate my dc's ability to grow up and be independent, but our experience leads me to believe she's not ready to fly on her own. And if she panics somewhere along the way, it's WAY too far for us to go rescue her.

 

I talked with her -- honestly -- about this. I asked, "Do you REALLY want to fly out there by yourself?"

 

And she said, "I was secretly hoping you'd go with me."

 

I explained AGAIN that I have FIVE dc and I can't leave FOUR of them to accompany her on her "fun trip to the cousins'."

 

She still wants to go.

 

Any advice for me?

 

What do you do when your little bird wants to jump out without flying lessons?

[ChristusG]

How old is this DD? But judging by what you've said about the panic attacks and anxiousness, I think I would have to tell her no. What if she got halfway through the trip and just shut down? What if there was turbulance and she got really really scared? Too many what if's.

[OHGrandma]

Do you have time before booking the flight to take her to the airport and just watch planes landing & departing for a couple hours? That may give you a better idea about whether she can handle it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with Wendy. By telling her no, I think you'd be telling her 1) there may be something to worry about and 2) she is incapable of tackling her fears. The benefits of going are HUGE.

 

HOWEVER, there is always the concern that if she does have a major issue, how y'all will deal with it.

 

But if I could figure any way to make it work, I definitely would. The message you'd send her is HUGE and could have lasting and long-reaching effects!

[Night Elf]

You don't say if this particular dd has ASD. My Aspie has been traumatized, his word not mine, by a few experiences and absolutely refuses to try them again. One was riding Space Mountain and Disney. He still gets a wild look in his eye if he talks about it and that trip was 3 years ago.

 

If your dd is saying she feels ready to go, she might really be ready. Helping her find coping strategies for possible scary situations might help. For example, does she have an ipod or mp3 player? She should listen to it while the plane is taking off or landing. She may still feel the movement of the plane, but the sound is drowned out by familiar music. Chewing gum will help with the changes of air pressure in the cabin. A favorite snack and reading a really good book are ways I distract myself when in a plane. Oh, and she could call you in between flights or during if she has a cell phone (on some planes it's okay to use a cell during certain times of the flight). Hearing your voice to check in might help too.

 

And last, do have a backup plan in place. For example, if she does have a panic attack and needs help along the way, you may have to fly to where she is to get her. I would think that was the worse case scenario

[Peela]

From what you have said....I would let her go because she is willing to confront her own fear.

[BamaTanya]

You don't say if this particular dd has ASD.

 

She doesn't have ASD. The reason I mentioned it is because, in our minds, it's hard to figure out if she has an anxiety problem, or if it's learned behavior from the brothers who exhibit similar anxieties almost daily -- washing hair, for instance. It's been difficult for us to determine where each child should be in terms of maturity since our family dynamic is so affected by extremes. KWIM?

 

I was extremely nervous about the trip -- how the ASD dc would react (would that make a scene? Cry out loud? etc) and maybe I overlooked the possibility of natural nervousness in a new situation by the others . . . But, knowing that she had difficulty . . .

 

I know I can't say, "I don't think you can do it." I remember the confidence I got from parents who encouraged me to go after anything I wanted.

 

I guess I need to work on a backup plan . . . Do you think a bus ride would be safe?

 

If I developed one, should I even tell her?

[Chris in VA]

I'd let her go. If she does panic, you will not be able to help her, but there will be stews who can, and, if she's a minor, won't they keep an eye on her? (Is she a minor? I missed that)

 

She will probably take her cues from you--I'd project confidence. Maybe knowing you believe she can do it will help her. She doesn't have to NOT have those feelings, she just needs to manage them. I think that's key to helping her.

[KidsHappen]

If she was seeing a professional for the anxiety the approach would most likely be to do the thing that causes the anxiety. If she is willing to do it, I see nothing gained from preventing her and everything gained by letting her. You could talk to your dr. and get a mild anti-anxiety med that she could take if she needed it.

[Rebecca VA]

If my child had these issues, I'd worry that she'd panic and make a scene in the plane, causing all kinds of drama. Passengers would be wondering where the poor child's parents were and why they allowed her to ride a plane by herself. Word might even get out that she's (gasp) homeschooled!

 

In my heart I'd probably know that she'd be OK and the experience would benefit her in the long run. However, I'd also be worried that a social worker would show up at my door the next day.

[BamaTanya]

She's 15. From the surfing I've done this morning, she's too old for "unaccompanied minor" services.

[BamaTanya]

How old is she? If she is 12 or under she goes as an unaccompanied minor and so a stewardess would be assigned to her. I think that would be a great opportunity to confront her fears.

 

Any chance of looking around for a direct flight?

 

No direct flights. Unless maybe we drive 150 miles to a bigger airport. Ack. I'll look into that, just in case.

[LibraryLover]

,

Edited July 25, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Tap]

Does she have to leave the plane at all or will she just have to sit and wait. If she has to leave the plane...I wouldn't let her go. There is the chance that she won't get back on the plane.

 

If not, I would find a website or a doctor who works with flight anxiety and find some strategies that she can use. Then let her go.

[mommylawyer]

I would let her go because you don't want to send the message that "she can't do it."

 

Have you thought about seeing if the cousin can join her for the last leg of the flight? If her anxiety has the potential to increase throughout the trip, maybe having a loved one accompany her for the last part could help.

 

Of course, she'll have to fly back, too.

[Stacia]

No direct flights. Unless maybe we drive 150 miles to a bigger airport. Ack. I'll look into that, just in case.

 

I agree w/ trying to find a non-stop flight. I think that would be a great way to foster her independence & let her face her fears while reducing the chances of upsetting incidents (if things like taking off/landing are esp. stressful for her or if there is a possibility she would get off at one of the connection points & not be able to get back on a flight or miss a connection).

 

Even though it's harder on you to drive a bit futher to a bigger airport, I think it's worth the investment of your time (or your dh's) to drive her there.

Edited July 23, 2009 by Stacia

[eternalknot]

How old is she? If she is 12 or under she goes as an unaccompanied minor and so a stewardess would be assigned to her.

 

 

Flight attendants aren't actually "assigned" to unaccompanied minors (UMs) -- many parents believe this to be true, and are later upset to find out that their children had little to no adult supervision during flights (while flight attendants attended to their inflight duties).

 

I've seen kids lose passports, soil themselves, ruin electronic toys by spilling drinks on them, et cetera ... things that 'just happen' but with no adult accompanying the child, aren't always known about or immediately tended to. Flight attendants aren't babysitters; if a passenger knowingly requires extra care or attention ... that needs to be taken into account by the passenger and/or her parents. There just isn't enough time or staffing to be as attentive and comforting to anxious passengers as flight attendants might like to be. This depends on the crew you get, too, of course. Some are more empathetic than others, especially those with children of their own.

 

Three legs would likely mean they are shorter legs, which would mean busier flight attendants than if it were a longer more direct flight. Also know that "direct flight" and "nonstop flight" are NOT the same thing. Direct flights might also involve stopovers, including a possible change of planes - so, an extra takeoff and landing for your DD. I'd drive the 150 for a nonstop, a reasonable compromise IMO. My airline would accept a 15 year old as a UM (it's optional for ages 15-17).

 

That said, my vote is to send her if she feels she is ready. Just take time to prepare her for the flight, and know that the flight crew is available if her anxiety escalates to a dangerous level ... but they shouldn't be counted on to "hold her hand" so to speak. Summer months can be particularly turbulent, especially in the Southern US - get her an aisle seat (less boxed in) as close to the wing as possible, or towards the front of the plane, where it's generally a smoother ride.

[gardening momma]

WeJust a few days ago, when we were out shopping, I noticed, "Hey, that plane is coming in for a landing!"

 

And she said, "Those poor people!"

 

And I said, "What do you mean?"

 

And she said, "That traumatic experience!"

If you do send her, tell her to watch other people, before and during takeoffs and landings. They aren't traumatized. (I know there are some people who are, but you rarely see those situations). Maybe seeing other people who are unconcerned will help her relax.

[Deidre in GA]

i have flown a lot and my son, now 15, has traveled with me extensively flying and driving. he took his first solo flight from Chicago to Atlanta last March and felt quite proud of himself to have done that. he even mentioned the experience again today. i didn't even go down to the gate with him, just said our good-byes at security. given his experience i may have let him go on a flight with a connection but again, he's had a lot of airport experience and he'd spent months traveling the Atlanta public transit system without me.

 

i'd say support her in taking the trip butif it's possible, drive to the airport where she can take a direct flight. three legs to the destination really is a lot. if any of the flights experience delays she may not have the flexibility reserves to go with the flow and figure out how to navigate the possible changes.

[mcconnellboys]

Wow, I might speak with the airline about this to see what they say (not that I know if I'd really trust them). I'm not thinking I could go for this at all....