Sibling squabbles and sending one child to school ...

[Insertcreativenamehere]

I have 4 children, 3 of whom are homeschooled. (The youngest is in early childhood special ed preschool.) My 7th grader has turned seemingly overnight from a sweet, easygoing boy to a teenager who can't stand his little sister (age 8) and is constantly fighting with her. He can't stand being around her for school and is angry and frustrated with her most of the time. I don't think she's being intentionally obnoxious ... but she is a little sister. 

 

He asks frequently for a break from her -- preferably a week long -- and says he can't be expected to get along with her when they're together all day long. He does take one class a day at our local middle school. She goes to an all-day drop-off co-op every Thursday. Two to three nights a week, he's in activities that do not include her. And yet it's never enough for him. 

 

I've tried having them do their schoolwork in different parts of the house but that only helps a little. 

 

I'm seriously considering putting him in school full-time because the attitude and constant fighting are not good for any of us.  I don't WANT to put him in school; I know that he's getting a more rigorous education at home but maybe he needs to stretch his wings and have more independence. Or maybe it will make his attitude even worse, being around a bunch of other hormonal middle school boys. He does not want to go to school more than he already is, but I really don't see any other solutions.

 

Thoughts? 

Edited December 4, 2017 by insertcreativenamehere

[HomeAgain]

Does he want to go to school?

[Insertcreativenamehere]

Does he want to go to school?

No. He's happy taking his one class a day there (robotics) but thinks she's the problem and she should go to school instead. 

[Arcadia]

My older boy does not like noise and elementary school was ironically quieter than my younger son. Our workaround was to go to the library daily from opening time to closing time so that kids can be as far apart as possible. My older boy is very independent so that helps as I don’t need to supervise him, just need to check his work.

 

My older boy dotes on his brother but older boy is sensitive to noise and younger boy is a chatterbox. He is only quiet when asleep so everyone checks on him if he is quiet to see what mischief he is up to.

[maize]

This is one reason my 7 year old is in school--the 12 year old was constantly on his back and fighting with him.

 

I had the chance to enroll him in a Chinese immersion school that has been a good fit for him, I don't have any equally good school options for the older child so that played into the decision making. It has been good for them to have some space and time away from each other.

[HomeAgain]

No. He's happy taking his one class a day there (robotics) but thinks she's the problem and she should go to school instead. 

 

Then he's old enough to sit down with you and brainstorm solutions that take both their needs into account.  What does he need to be able to do his work?  What can he do to get himself where he needs to be?  What can you do?  Hash it out together and keep the topic focused on a plan for *him*.

 

FWIW, even if an 8yo isn't intentionally being a git, they can sometimes just be that way.  I have no problem telling my 7yo to step off when he's doing something that isn't respectful of the people around him / is focused on his brother.  By enforcing the same boundaries on both, they both know I'm willing to respect their needs but not let their wants encroach on someone else's space.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

My two did not like each other. It was a bit exacerbated by one being neurootypical and one not. But our rule was that you didn’t have to like each other but you had to treat each other with courtesy. Even at school there are annoying people that you have to get along with. This was something that I disciplined for.

 

 

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[SarahAgnes]

I don't really have a problem with this, but my sister, who has 3, does. (I'm changing the names for this particular post).

This year:

Vivianne, 10 & Hannah, 6, are always fighting. Annabelle is the quiet 8-year-old who doesn't mind the fighting. Vivianne has always wanted to go to school, so my sister put her in a private school, and Hannah gets to do a co-op once a week. This has worked for their family so far but it makes my 2nd daughter, Marie, mad. (Just guess why! Hint: the ages of Vivianne and Marie, and the fact that we live 11 houses down from each other). :)

[freesia]

I have a similar age range with a boy and a girl.  But they have always been my two who find it harder to get along.  At some point I did realize that I was doing a lot of talking and working through, but no consequences for being nasty.  It's not okay to be mean to people who are younger than you and smaller than you (yes, even if they provoke you).  My ds also takes out his general grumps on his sister. We talk a lot about how to get along, how hormones impact how we feel but that it is our responsibility to manage that, how to solve problems, how to ask a parent for help solving a problem, but honestly, when I am not on top of consequences for being mean (usually room time, having to be near me or loss of screen time) it happens more.

 

My son also does better with activities away from home a certain amount of the time, but I also think being apart most of the time would only make the situation worse.  They do better when there is a balance.  But that may be different in your house.  I do think, though, that if this is chiefly your son's problem and he's not willing to work on it he should be the one to go to school instead of his sister (unless as the pp said there is an excellent/better choice for your dd that works for her).

[Element]

My two did not like each other. It was a bit exacerbated by one being neurootypical and one not. But our rule was that you didn’t have to like each other but you had to treat each other with courtesy. Even at school there are annoying people that you have to get along with. This was something that I disciplined for.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Exactly this. We have a family counselor (each child sees her separately and sometimes she'll pull in the other child or me) and I try very hard to put them in as many separate activities as I can. However, you encounter "annoying" people everywhere. Public school is probably not the answer here. Teaching him to handle these situations is the answer. 

[Starr]

Just because he's away at school all day doesn't mean he will come home and be nice to his sister.  :grouphug: Growing up means more responsibilities. Keep at it, he won't be 12 forever.

[Arcadia]

No. He's happy taking his one class a day there (robotics) but thinks she's the problem and she should go to school instead.

How long does your 8 year old spend on academics compare to your 7th grader? What does your 8 year old do when she is done for the day as in play, read, go find someone to talk to?

 

Was there a ramp up of workload this academic year for 7th grade compared to 6th grade?

 

My just turned 13 older boy was much more cranky when he was undergoing his major growth spurt. Extra picky on food, extra sensitive to noise, extra sensitive to light, all his sensory issues were worse. Now that he is back to gradual growth, he doesn’t get irritated as easily.

[LMD]

I would not react well if my 7th grader asked me to send away a sibling. Yes, she and her 10 & 7 year old brothers fight and annoy each other but, honestly, we are a family, I would nip that attitude in the bud asap.

 

I'm sorry op, sounds like a very difficult situation.

 

Eta- brainstorming ideas to help meet his needs is a good idea. I'm wondering, and I don't want to step on toes here, but what does dad say?

Edited December 4, 2017 by LMD

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 12, 2017 by _______

[MerryAtHope]

I honestly wonder if some of it is being around other kids who may be talking about annoying younger siblings--sometimes attitudes like that can multiply and make a tough situation worse.

 

I think I'd have a serious heart to heart with him because the attitude he's expressing (that he "can't be expected" to get along with her) is a big issue.

 

I'd let him know that sending his sister to school is not an option, and that everyone needs to find a way to get along. I'd ask him to go pray about solutions--what can the family do differently, but also what can he do differently to make homelife more peaceful? 

 

It IS a tough age gap when one child is in junior high and one is in that 8-ish range--the older one no longer wants to be lumped in with the "little kids," is maturing and often wants to be seen as a young adult--but part of growing up and maturing is learning how to be around all kinds of people and to be kind. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

 

 

Was there a ramp up of workload this academic year for 7th grade compared to 6th grade? 

 

My just turned 13 older boy was much more cranky when he was undergoing his major growth spurt. Extra picky on food, extra sensitive to noise, extra sensitive to light, all his sensory issues were worse. Now that he is back to gradual growth, he doesn’t get irritated as easily. 

Yes, there was a significant ramp up in work this year. He's in the midst of a major growth spurt, that's for sure, and is much more irritable than usual. It's not like him at all. He's usually very even-keeled. He also used to be very close with his sister so it bothers her, too. She and their 10 yo brother have now banded together. 

 

I honestly wonder if some of it is being around other kids who may be talking about annoying younger siblings--sometimes attitudes like that can multiply and make a tough situation worse.

 

This is why I hesitate to send him to school full-time ... middle school is such a tough time socially and attitude-wise and I can't help but think it will only make things worse. 

 

 

 

Then he's old enough to sit down with you and brainstorm solutions that take both their needs into account.  What does he need to be able to do his work?  What can he do to get himself where he needs to be?  What can you do?  Hash it out together and keep the topic focused on a plan for *him*.

Yes. This is my plan for tomorrow. :)

 

 

 

But our rule was that you didn’t have to like each other but you had to treat each other with courtesy. 

 

This is great. I plan to emphasize this with them tomorrow. 

 

[fralala]

Oh, I'm sorry. This is no fun.

 

I have found that when mine get like this, the opposite tactic is actually more successful. This is just what works for us, and my oldest is the girl, and the "pest" the boy, and they are different people from your kids, so disregard all this if it doesn't sound relevant.

 

But what I mean by 'the opposite tactic' is this: laying off most school work for a few weeks and spending MORE time together doing enjoyable things together that remind us of what we like about each other. Random surprise excursions, games (preferably not highly competitive ones), going out for donuts in our pajamas, whatever. Also: anything that makes me the bad guy and puts them on a team. Just making the relationship work a priority over schoolwork. Especially when it's possible that increased schoolwork compared to a younger sibling is part of the problem.

 

This doesn't mean not valuing your son's need to be an independent, mature person who is growing up. He needs to have experiences that challenge that part of him and force him to prove himself. But growing up includes learning to hold one's temper and find positive outlets for one's anger and strength, and I wouldn't expect any young person to be able to do this without a lot of guidance, mentoring, and positive examples. It's a lifelong practice!

 

Hatred and love are both strong emotions, and it's normal to entertain strong emotions for people one loves. This applies both to our children and to ourselves trying to deal with them!

[Insertcreativenamehere]

Does he have an activity that’s just his (preferably physical)? My oldest was losing it with younger sibs almost every day and then we found her Irish dance which she adores and that really helped.

Yes, he plays basketball. He's on a city league team and I just signed him up to play at the middle school, too, so he'll have a few more afternoons a week of physical activity. That definitely helps. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by insertcreativenamehere

[Ravin]

My two are a little further apart from yours and opposite gender, but we do have some of the same problems. The strategies I use are a lot like HomeAgain described. That said, DS is in school and it hasn't solved the sibling squabbles, in part because DD does most of her homeschooling on Friday-Sunday with me, and DS has early release on Friday so is there for most of it and often wants to participate or seeks attention while we're trying to do school.

 

I would probably talk with your son first, then both kids, about solutions to very specific issues--like particular points of conflict, not that there is conflict in general, and make it clear that sending the younger to school is not a realistic and acceptable option at this time. Maybe the kids can come up with some ideas you haven't thought of for resolving their problems, especially if you drill down to the specific difficulties they are having (not general "she is annoying" but what is actually going on when one annoys the other, etc.).

[Lecka]

I have this age range too, and it was worse this summer and then better when school started.

 

We're also having more parent-older-child outings. Even just little things. He needs to have parent time out of the house sometimes. He also is sometimes staying up 30 minutes later than the little kids with my husband (while I take little kids to bed).

 

Actually I have been lax on that some and I think I should be more consistent with it, it is something my older son really likes.

 

On the encouraging side I also think it has run its course to some extent.

 

My mom also thinks they fight to get attention from me, they get along when they are with grandparents even when they have been fighting with me. I think they may just clean up their act for grandparents.

Edited December 5, 2017 by Lecka

[desertstrawberry5]

You have already gotten a lot of advice. I just have one thing. 

Talking to both of my older boys about this stage of life, hormones effecting growth and maturity, and assuring them that this irritability is normal and theirs to cope with really helped a lot. Especially my oldest really believed that his little brothers had suddenly become extremely obnoxious. finding out that that's not the case and that it's ok to feel that way was a relief to him.