Curbing the Drama

[fairfarmhand]

I have one of those intense kids who cares 500% about all kinds of things.

 

She's also very dramatic.

 

This becomes an issue quite frequently here.

 

Here's a common type of situation. She met friends at a 4H camp this summer. Then she came home and spent 5 days moping, moaning, crying, and wailing about how she won't see those friends till next summer and SOME OF THEM ARE GRADUATING AND I WON'T SEE THEM NEXT YEAR!

 

The drama sucked the life right out of me, until I snapped "You know. I am SO TIRED of hearing about your FEEEEEEEELINGS! This isn't the end of the world! Deal with it."

 

She was terribly offended and told me how awful it was that her own MOTHER didn't care about her feelings. She pouted and sulked for a day and then got over it.

 

(lest you wonder, she has an active social life, lots of friends, and opportunities to email/call/facebook far away acquaintances)

 

This isn't the only type of situation that happens. She just feels things so dramatically that it just wears us all out.

 

How do I explain to her that, the only reason I care anything at all about these things is because they are important to her. However, I can't allow the drama to overtake my life. I can't deal with tears and wailing for days after something sad or difficult happens to her.

 

She's 16. She can't go through life falling apart every time she meets someone for a few days and then doesn't see them for awhile. Small tragedies take on epic proportions around her and it exhausts me. However, I feel that unless I make an equally dramatic scene, she doesn't snap out of it.

 

How do I curb this drama?

 

 

[NicAnn]

Perhaps create a standard line: I'm sorry you feel that way (or something similar).

Don't engage with behavior that's undesirable. Pour on attention when she's not being dramatic.

[TammyS]

If the drama/misery is self-inflicted (that is choosing a poor attitude about something she's unhappy about) then the kids are required to take their misery somewhere private.  They are welcome to be as miserable as they want - quietly and alone.  They may not inflict their misery on others.

 

If the drama/misery is real, but out of proportion, the kid is allowed a reasonable amount of expression over it, then they must stop or go somewhere private with their misery.  For a 16 year old, I would put the brakes on it pretty quickly.

 

Also, I think perspective-building activities are helping.  Gratitude journals/lists, volunteering in soup kitchens/homeless shelters, etc.

[lauranc]

I don't agree with ignoring or sending her somewhere private to 'deal'. With intense kids, you just can't ignore them. It seems to make it worse. Intense kids feel things more deeply. It is their lot in life.

 

I agree that you can't let it run your life. It is really overwhelming, but you deserve happiness (-:

 

Empathy goes a long way. Don't advise (ie. 'Why don't you just call your friend"). It is very hard to do, but at age 16 it is probably time for you to just listen. "Yes, sweetheart, I see what you mean." And occasionally ask questions "what do you think might make you feel better?". Etc.. You are there for her, but you aren't there to solve her problems.

 

These are her feelings, and she is entitled to them. She is not entitled to hijack the whole family's feelings and make everything all about her.

 

It's a tough situation... I feel your pain! I have an intense kid, and I was an intense kid. No easy answers.

[AmyontheFarm]

Not much help.... my usual response to my drama queen is "Awww, buttercup"  and I go back to what I was doing.

[fairfarmhand]

I don't agree with ignoring or sending her somewhere private to 'deal'. With intense kids, you just can't ignore them. It seems to make it worse. Intense kids feel things more deeply. It is their lot in life.

 

I agree that you can't let it run your life. It is really overwhelming, but you deserve happiness (-:

 

Empathy goes a long way. Don't advise (ie. 'Why don't you just call your friend"). It is very hard to do, but at age 16 it is probably time for you to just listen. "Yes, sweetheart, I see what you mean." And occasionally ask questions "what do you think might make you feel better?". Etc.. You are there for her, but you aren't there to solve her problems.

 

These are her feelings, and she is entitled to them. She is not entitled to hijack the whole family's feelings and make everything all about her.

 

It's a tough situation... I feel your pain! I have an intense kid, and I was an intense kid. No easy answers.

I can listen and empathize for an hour or even endure it for a day. But days and days of negativity just wear on me. It makes me not want to allow her to do these kinds of activities.

 

Maybe we need to talk about re-entry BEFORE she leaves home in the first place.

[HSmomof2]

I don't agree with ignoring or sending her somewhere private to 'deal'. With intense kids, you just can't ignore them. It seems to make it worse. Intense kids feel things more deeply. It is their lot in life.

 

I agree that you can't let it run your life. It is really overwhelming, but you deserve happiness (-:

 

Empathy goes a long way. Don't advise (ie. 'Why don't you just call your friend"). It is very hard to do, but at age 16 it is probably time for you to just listen. "Yes, sweetheart, I see what you mean." And occasionally ask questions "what do you think might make you feel better?". Etc.. You are there for her, but you aren't there to solve her problems.

 

These are her feelings, and she is entitled to them. She is not entitled to hijack the whole family's feelings and make everything all about her.

 

It's a tough situation... I feel your pain! I have an intense kid, and I was an intense kid. No easy answers.

I agree with this. I have a very dramatic/intense ds and understand how exhausting it is.

[MysteryJen]

I had a friend like this in high school and her parents bought her a lovely journal and required her to write in it on the way home from camp, practice, etc. I think that the "edge" of the drama was taken off a bit and allowed everyone a bit of breathing space. She ended up being a bit of a journal evangelist, but I know that she was easier to deal with at school.

[Joanne]

I don't agree with ignoring or sending her somewhere private to 'deal'. With intense kids, you just can't ignore them. It seems to make it worse. Intense kids feel things more deeply. It is their lot in life.

 

I agree that you can't let it run your life. It is really overwhelming, but you deserve happiness (-:

 

 

I kind of disagree.

 

I think modulation is a life skill. Just as I'd teach a reticent child to engage more, or teach an intellectual/stoic child to *feel* more, I'd teach a dramatic one to learn to contain and deintensify.

 

The OP's child is 16 - much closer to adulthood than childhood. I'd feel I failed my kids if I sent them into the world of higher education and work without learning to take the edge of their personality quirks that might impact their work, career, and relationship life.

 

And, frankly, some intense feelers feel more and longer when attention or empathy is offered them. They can't disengage or move on - parental or adult or spousal buy in extends the peseveration.

 

If this were my 16 year old, I'd give them time limits of expression, quantity of times of expression limits, and encourage a journal or blog.

 

I would also have firm limits that their intense feelings may not hold the family hostage.

 

For younger intense feelers, I believe many need to learn perspective. As such, I have had to actively *teach* them to scale situations and what a "3" reaction looks like or what a "8" reaction looks like and how to determine where their situaition should be on a scale.

 

I have to admit, though, that telling my (or others) kids how to feel, how intensely to feel, and putting limits on the expression was counter intuitive to what I had adopted as my parenting style. What changed it for me was having a child that was NOT served by empathy but by limits.

[lauranc]

It took trial and error with my intense kid (who is at univ now). Ignoring was what I was told initially was the best way.

 

Didn't work. I would get followed from room to room.

 

Listening and asking a few pertinent questions ended up being what helped. He was well into teen years by the time I figured it out.

 

Journaling just didn't do it for this kid. But..it is what got me through my adolescence... So it is just whatever works.

 

Definitely you don't want the kid to go out into the world feeling that everyone is going to give them the time of day-- listening to their drama. But-- sometimes the real world can be helpful in this. It was a tough lesson for me, and for my intense kid. But, I feel that those natural consequences are there to help guide us through life. (And some lessons are hard).

 

So-- OP, I wouldn't feel a failure if your daughter heads out into the big world still being intense. It is who she is. Life will help guide her a bit, and she will learn little by little to curb the drama.

 

I like the idea of giving her an outlet on the way home before she reenters home life.....if she is interested in journaling, that might be good for her.

[bolt.]

Active listening will help, and good levels of empathy. It sounds like you've got that -- so stick with it, but add in a few other things.

 

Add:

 

1. Reminders that feelings are very personal, and that hers are valid because they are hers. Try to gently instil that her feelings don't require anyone else to validate them in order to be significant. She matters as an individual, not just because others "care about her feelings".

 

Journaling may be good for this, and singing, as well as prayer (if you are religious).

 

2. Lessons about, "Good manners for people with strong feelings." -- Acknowledge in herself that she will probably always be fairly intense, and that her feeling-style will be part if her whole life: but not all of her relationship will be with her mother. Unconditional love is rare and precious, and she has it... But she will also be happiest if she can (when she wants to) manage the public face of her negative feelings -- both to keep friendships and romances more pleasant (and heathy, and likely to work out) as well as out of kindness for people who love her anyways.

 

You could use media (TV, movies) to highlight when strong characters display or don't display their feelings -- and how that works out for them, and whether it's realistic.

[tabmtbc]

I wish I knew. I have one like that and she wears us all out, though I love her like no other.

Tabitha

I have one of those intense kids who cares 500% about all kinds of things.

 

She's also very dramatic.

 

This becomes an issue quite frequently here.

 

Here's a common type of situation. She met friends at a 4H camp this summer. Then she came home and spent 5 days moping, moaning, crying, and wailing about how she won't see those friends till next summer and SOME OF THEM ARE GRADUATING AND I WON'T SEE THEM NEXT YEAR!

 

The drama sucked the life right out of me, until I snapped "You know. I am SO TIRED of hearing about your FEEEEEEEELINGS! This isn't the end of the world! Deal with it."

 

She was terribly offended and told me how awful it was that her own MOTHER didn't care about her feelings. She pouted and sulked for a day and then got over it.

 

(lest you wonder, she has an active social life, lots of friends, and opportunities to email/call/facebook far away acquaintances)

 

This isn't the only type of situation that happens. She just feels things so dramatically that it just wears us all out.

 

How do I explain to her that, the only reason I care anything at all about these things is because they are important to her. However, I can't allow the drama to overtake my life. I can't deal with tears and wailing for days after something sad or difficult happens to her.

 

She's 16. She can't go through life falling apart every time she meets someone for a few days and then doesn't see them for awhile. Small tragedies take on epic proportions around her and it exhausts me. However, I feel that unless I make an equally dramatic scene, she doesn't snap out of it.

 

How do I curb this drama

 

[goldberry]

I worked with DD when she was smaller on the proportionate response like Joanne discussed.  I had her draw a thermometer, and list some things down at the low end and up at the high end.  Then we would compare when certain things would come up.  I tried giving her attention, no attention, and very limited attention.  I tried offering solutions, as well as just acknowledging her feelings.  None of those things seemed to help very much.  :glare:  The no attention part was the worst and only exacerbated the situation.

 

The best approach for DD seems to be to let the drama play out, acknowledge briefly and repetitively "I'm sorry that you are so sad."  "I can tell you are very upset about this."  Then AFTER the drama has passed, discuss it briefly with her. "You were really upset about such and such a couple of days ago"  Let her respond, try to direct the conversation to "Can you see how you feel better now?"  "Can you see that passed pretty quickly?"  Then move on.

 

DD is slowly but surely getting better, but I think alot of it is just maturity level and something that intense kids take a long time to learn.

 

ETA, we also have conversations in terms of energy expended.  That took a lot of energy to get so mad/upset for so long.  Do you really think that was a good way to spend that energy? Etc.

[Word Nerd]

My teen is pretty even keeled and sometimes so stoic that I wish she'd express more of her feelings. But mercy, my 9-year-old is a drama queen! I can only imagine what she'll be like at 16.

[shukriyya]

It sounds like this is part of her personality and that she'll need to learn to work with intense feelings throughout her life. Giving her some skills to do so would benefit everyone. So rather than sending her elsewhere to deal I'd suggest to her a way of moving the feelings either through dance/movement or writing or drawing. She can go off by herself and put on some music and dance it out (loud, soft, lyrical, energetic, sad, angry whatever her mood is) or find some private space and put it all down on the page without having to hold back or move it with color and form. The idea is to loosen the contraction of the feelings being so tightly held in her body which keeps her in continual vent mode.

[kbutton]

1. Reminders that feelings are very personal, and that hers are valid because they are hers. Try to gently instil that her feelings don't require anyone else to validate them in order to be significant. She matters as an individual, not just because others "care about her feelings".

 

This would be a wonderful thing to hear and to learn to apply to others.

[amy g.]

Sounds pretty typical for a 16 year old to me.

 

When we picked up my almost 16 year old from camp, we got there just in time to hear the creative writing majors having a reading. Talk about dramatic!

 

They must have been pretty talented writers because I was magically transformed into my 16 year old self by their work.

 

I agree with having her channel her intense emotion into writing or even a painting.

[Jenny in Florida]

These are her feelings, and she is entitled to them. She is not entitled to hijack the whole family's feelings and make everything all about her.

 

Yes, I tell my kids that they feel what they feel. Feelings are not necessarily something we can or should control. If they are sad or worried or whatever, they are absolutely entitled to feel that way.

 

What they can and should learn to control is how they react to those emotions. 

 

In the case given in the original post, if it had been my kid, I would have listened for a bit, given her a hug, told her I was sorry she was sad and that I understand it's hard to leave friends behind. I would have asked if there was anything I could do to make her feel better. If she had any ideas that I could reasonably do, I would try my best to make those things happen. Otherwise, I would have given her another hug and asked her to let me know if she did come up with anything.

 

And in most cases, that would be the end of it. My kid would probably withdraw and pout in a solitary way for a while, then come back when he or she felt better. 

 

If it wasn't the end, I would repeat the mantra above a couple more times -- "I'm sorry you're sad. I know it's hard to leave friends. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you feel better." -- before, if necessary, explaining that I didn't think it was helpful to anyone to keep going over the same ground. And then I'd find a reason to change the subject or disengage gently.

 

Honestly, it's how I would want to be treated. I don't appreciate it when people dismiss or ridicule my feelings. So, I try not to treat other people that way.

[KungFuPanda]

For various reasons, we've instituted a No Pity for Manufactured Stress policy. We also have a No Repeating Complaints policy. I can show genuine empathy for matters of the heart. I can even listen intently the first time you say it, but I won't wallow in trivial, homemade drama or endure broken records. I don't have it in me.

[Catherine]

I remember being mocked for being dramatic...40 years later, I still wish my mom had found a more loving way to handle my intense feelings.  So please consider coaching, offering empathy but no solutions, just taking a loving, supportive approach.  Your daughter will thank you for it.  An approach like Jenny describes also helps the kid to find their own inner resourses to cope, rather than making it your problem.

[Danestress]

I don't think you can be responsible for curbing the drama. I think she has to curb it.  It may be much harder for her, as a naturally intense person to do so.  She may never be as "stiff upper lipped" as the average person, but she can improve.  I think most of us would agree that part of becoming a functioning adult is to learn to cope, to channel emotion in healthy ways, etc.  None of us wants to raise a daughter who, as an adult person, burdens those closest to her with hours of grieving over relatively minor things. How much crying and "venting" is acceptable will vary from culture to culture, and will depend on the people around her.  But we all have to modify our behavior to suit our situations.  People who naturally don't talk much have to learn to communicate with their spouses. People who are naturally prone to fits of anger have to learn to control that if they want to have happy family lives.  Night owls have to get up early with babies.  And people who are naturally prone to cry and otherwise express a lot of unhappiness sometimes need to learn to reduce that, in the interests of maintaining happy marriages or friendships and functioning in a job culture that does not always tolerate the inability to filter emotion.

 

If you think she might need counseling or professional help, obviously do that.  Or maybe you already are.  And perhaps in that process, you might find ways to deal compassionately with her challenges.  But apart from that, I do think that the growing up process involves learning to exercise some control over emotion, and also learning that other people count too, and that it may not be fair to burden those closest to you with hours of crying and complaining, even when you are legitimately upset.  Clearly this is situational.  I expect people who are grieving may want to cry and vent.  It's not kind or compassionate to tell a grieving widow to "suck it up" when she is mourning.  You daughter is experiencing different type of grief, and I think you need to show some compassion.  But even in her grief, she can show some compassion for YOU.  And my guess is, you are one of the few people she expects to bear with her for hours of this kind of display.  She probably already has the ability to monitor her expression in front of peers, teachers, etc.  She may have already figured out that her father won't listen and sympathize for hours.  But we expect a lot from our mothers:) 

 

I don't know how to get the perfect balance of showing that you care, showing sympathy, listening, drawing boundaries, and encouraging mature management of emotion.  But I do believe she needs a wider variety of coping measures.  If she is not exercising, hasn't been out in the sun light, doesn't have hard physical work to do, isn't distracted by a good book or music, etc, then she may just be wanting to use "talking" as her main coping measure, which is not productive at a certain point and is painful for those around her.