Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 So, my brother had a child with a girlfriend 3 yrs. ago. For the time that they were together the two always spent Christmas day at our house. They've since broken up but she has the child the majority of the time. My brother will be here for Christmas tomorrow, and suddenly she is hinting about wanting to come over as well. Honestly, no one wants her here. She was always welcome before because she was with my brother, but no one actually liked her. She's lazy, obnoxious, a bit on the disgusting side, socially clueless, and doesn't watch the kid AT ALL. I've told her that she could come over around 5pm, which is after we'll be done eating and then everyone typically heads home between 6 and 7ish. I didn't outright tell her that she was not invited to dinner, but she's been to my house enough years to know how things work. Honestly, I think it is weird that she would WANT to spend Christmas with us. It's not about the kid, she could easily send him with my brother. She WANTS to be here. I don't get it. So, what is the protocol for ex-girlfriends with a child? I've never had to deal with this before, especially when it's someone that we all universally don't like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Will your brother have their child with him? Maybe she wants to be with her child. I don't know.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Maybe she is trying to get back together with your brother? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Honestly, for the sake of encouraging a relationship w/your niece/nephew, I think you'll have to suck it up. Sucks, but as the mother of your brother's child, you guys are kinda stuck w/her being around to some degree or another. Personally, *I* wouldn't want to hang out w/ex 'inlaws' at the holidays, and it may be a stunt on her part, forcing her way in...but I'm more worried that if you refuse, she could cause some issues in the future. If you make it no big deal, she may lose interest, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Will your brother have their child with him? Maybe she wants to be with her child. I don't know.... No. My brother will be coming by at 2pm for dinner and usually stays until around 7ish. She's one who really would pawn the child off on any Tom, Dick or Harry who even remotely offered, so I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to spend the day with him. For his first 2 Christmases she has asked me on Christmas day if I would keep him overnight, and he stayed with us his first 2 Easters because she called and begged me to take him. It seems to me that it would be more appropriate for her to spend the morning with the child and her own family, and then send him with my brother to my house for a bit in the evening. When I saw her a few weeks ago she was pouting about the fact that her family doesn't really do anything on Christmas etc. but I guess I just feel that we're NOT her family; we're HIS family and I don't think she belongs here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Maybe she is trying to get back together with your brother? I don't think so. I think it's more that she wants the "normal" that my family brings. Coming from the family I come from, I SO get that, but we're not her family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Wait, but if she does show up won't she bring the kid? It sounds like she thinks of you guys as the providers of all things holiday. Maybe some part of her wants to give the kid a big warm real family experience and she knows her family ain't it. If she is leaving the kid home and just coming by herself, I think that's really weird. But I've not had much experience with ex-family type people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I don't think so. I think it's more that she wants the "normal" that my family brings. Coming from the family I come from, I SO get that, but we're not her family. As sad as it is, I would suspect that you are the closest thing to family for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Honestly, for the sake of encouraging a relationship w/your niece/nephew, I think you'll have to suck it up. Sucks, but as the mother of your brother's child, you guys are kinda stuck w/her being around to some degree or another. Personally, *I* wouldn't want to hang out w/ex 'inlaws' at the holidays, and it may be a stunt on her part, forcing her way in...but I'm more worried that if you refuse, she could cause some issues in the future. If you make it no big deal, she may lose interest, kwim? You're probably right. Sucking it up is probably the best solution. I feel like I compromised a bit by inviting her to come a bit later in the evening after the dinner, but I could tell that she was disappointed to just be coming for dessert. I do feel like I need to allow her to be here to some degree for my brother's sake since he doesn't get to see his son very often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Wait, but if she does show up won't she bring the kid? It sounds like she thinks of you guys as the providers of all things holiday. Maybe some part of her wants to give the kid a big warm real family experience and she knows her family ain't it. If she is leaving the kid home and just coming by herself, I think that's really weird. But I've not had much experience with ex-family type people. Oh, no, she's definitely bringing the kid. I would definitely veto any holiday in which she wanted to be here without him. :) I think you're right about her feeling like we're the holiday providers with the warm real family experience. In fact, she hinted the last two years that we should throw a big birthday party for the baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 So the son won't be with your family at all unless she comes? And her family doesn't do much? Perhaps she wants some normal for her child as well as herself. I'd suck it up and be generous. It IS Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. It will be better for their son if you have a good relationship with his mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriede Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 If it were me, if leave the decision up to your brother. Does he even want his ex there...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violamama Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Oh, no, she's definitely bringing the kid. I would definitely veto any holiday in which she wanted to be here without him. :) I think you're right about her feeling like we're the holiday providers with the warm real family experience. In fact, she hinted the last two years that we should throw a big birthday party for the baby. What a compliment, then! But I can empathize with you on her being something of a thorn in your side. It must be hard to tell if she's hoping to have you provide this for her son because she can't or because she just doesn't. For the kid, though, the outcome is the same. It's hard to be given responsibility like that for somebody else's offspring... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 You're probably right. Sucking it up is probably the best solution. I feel like I compromised a bit by inviting her to come a bit later in the evening after the dinner, but I could tell that she was disappointed to just be coming for dessert. I do feel like I need to allow her to be here to some degree for my brother's sake since he doesn't get to see his son very often. I think you came up with a very gracious compromise. She's no longer part of the family, in the sense that an ex-wife would no longer be part of her ex-husband's family, so coming for dessert only is a nice way to respond to her request. Sad that she would rather be with your family than hers . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I think you are letting your brother slide on his parenting responsibilities. He needs to step up to the plate and make arrangements for his child for Christmas. If he wants to include his child and/or ex-girlfriend at your house, then he should be the one communicating with them and with you. He should also be planning what his child will be doing at Christmas, birthdays, etc. What does his custody agreement state? He's the father. She's the mother. It's their child. And as for the rest of the family, smile and support whatever your brother decides. If she contacts you personally, just let her know that you'll mention the call to your brother and he'll get back to her so that they can work it out together. Myra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 No. My brother will be coming by at 2pm for dinner and usually stays until around 7ish. She's one who really would pawn the child off on any Tom, Dick or Harry who even remotely offered, so I don't think it has anything to do with wanting to spend the day with him. For his first 2 Christmases she has asked me on Christmas day if I would keep him overnight, and he stayed with us his first 2 Easters because she called and begged me to take him. It seems to me that it would be more appropriate for her to spend the morning with the child and her own family, and then send him with my brother to my house for a bit in the evening. When I saw her a few weeks ago she was pouting about the fact that her family doesn't really do anything on Christmas etc. but I guess I just feel that we're NOT her family; we're HIS family and I don't think she belongs here. I see what you mean, but even though *she* isn't "family," the child is, and it seems to me that y'all should do as much as you can to help this child feel that he's part of the family...which means I think your brother should bring the child with him when he comes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 I think you are letting your brother slide on his parenting responsibilities. He needs to step up to the plate and make arrangements for his child for Christmas. If he wants to include his child and/or ex-girlfriend at your house, then he should be the one communicating with them and with you. He should also be planning what his child will be doing at Christmas, birthdays, etc. What does his custody agreement state? He's the father. She's the mother. It's their child. And as for the rest of the family, smile and support whatever your brother decides. If she contacts you personally, just let her know that you'll mention the call to your brother and he'll get back to her so that they can work it out together. Myra There is no custody agreement. They are both young, immature and irresponsible. They are BOTH slacking in their responsibilities. Heck, I spent more time with him when he was in the hospital after he was born than EITHER of them did and he lived with me for almost a month shortly thereafter. My brother sees him whenever he isn't working or sleeping. She tries to pawn him off on anyone who will take him. I feel like I'm walking a fine line between helping the child and enabling their stupidity and immaturity. My brother actually did know that she wanted to come over but he did what he thought was the polite thing (and I agree) and asked her to contact me to see if I was okay with it. Being that it is my house and not his, I would agree that it was his place to tell her that he was okay with her coming but she would have to ask me as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I have a slightly different perspective but I can tell you that my family has made nice and sat through many holiday dinners with my sister's ex-husband. He lives out of state and does not see them often so if he wanted to come visit, he is always welcome at our table. Why? Because we love my nephews and what makes things best for them comes first. My parents were divorced for 30 years but we still sat at the same table for holidays, the majority of the time. My family would welcome the ex-girlfriend. We often joke that if dh and I were to ever get divorced, he would never have to worry about not being welcome at our holiday dinners. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I doubt she wants to spend christmas with you as much as she wants to have somewhere "to go", and not be home by herself. My ex-sil did the same thing. She filed for divorce, but wanted my brother to cook their thanksgiving dinner. I had to tell him. "NO". you've already invited her for after dinner, so not much you can do about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BugsMama Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 If the child isn't coming until she is, I don't see why you wouldn't allow them both a dinner. Forget the mother, if I understand correctly, you are talking about leaving the child (who is blood family) out of dinner (because of his mother). It is HIS family, and he comes with his mother.... Why not embrace the whole family? Don't punish the kid because his parent are young and dumb, he's the innocent party here who may not have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I met my sons father when my daughter was a baby. My son was born when dd was almost 4. I only dated my sons father for 8 months. My sons family has always included dd in things. If we still lived near them, dd and I would be welcome to their birthday parties, holiday stuff, or even just to hang out. This weekend, ds is probably going to his aunts house. When i talked to her, she assumed dd would be there as well. They have no relation to dd. In other words, i would welcome the child and mother over. If she wants "normal" and can get it with you, let her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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