I am tired of my 6 yr. old dd's fits every.stinking.day.

[MamaSheep]

I haven't read all the responses, so I hope you'll forgive if this is repeat info.

 

What I discovered with both of my children, who were champion fit-throwers (especially ds!!) was that they weren't throwing the fits "on purpose" in order to manipulate me, they were throwing the fits because they lacked the ability to regulate their own emotional state. Their emotions got so "big" that they really, truly, lost control, and couldn't stop even if they wanted to. It was actually frightening to them not to be in control of their emotions, and the fear of being out of control just escalated things. If I got upset and yelled and/or punished them for it, that just intensified their emotions, which they still were unable to regulate, and the fit got worse. Especially if they started worrying that Mom wouldn't love them if they couldn't stop throwing fits. If a child is able to regulate his emotional state, and throws fits in order to manipulate other people, then I think a "consequence" is very much in order. However, if a child is genuinely unable to get a grip when the emotions surge, if it's truly beyond her ability, then punishments make no sense at all. It would be like punishing a 1 year old for falling down when learning to walk. You wouldn't tell a toddler to stand up right this instant or there will be no dessert. You'd sympathize over the bumped hands and knees, stand them back up, and help them get their balance. This is the same idea, but emotionally rather than physically. When a child is learning the skill of controlling her own emotions, she needs help and encouragement when she "falls down", and no amount of punishing is going to make her better at being in control.

 

What really helped with my kids was to stay calm, and to be on "their side" in the situation. That means instead of shouting things like, "You stop that screaming right now!" or, "You will stay in your room until you can behave properly," you start saying (calmly and sympathetically) things like, "I can tell this is getting really frustrating for you." Or, "It looks like maybe you're feeling a little overwhelmed." And then you coach them on how to recognize and deal with "big" emotions. "I can tell you're feeling really frustrated right now. I bet your heart is beating fast, and your face feels hot, and you feel like you might start crying. How about if we stop and take a few really deep, slow breaths to help your heart slow down a little. Maybe you'd like to get a drink of water to help cool down a little. We can try this again in a minute when you're feeling a little better." Or, "I can tell you're feeling really overwhelmed right now. Why don't you take a little break and go up to your room and just get away from the problem for a few minutes. You can have a good cry if you need to--sometimes we all need to just have a good cry. And when you're feeling better you come back, and I'll help you with it so it's not so scary." Then when they come back you can give pointers for how to approach frustrating or scary tasks, like, "Let's not worry about the whole thing right now. Let's just figure out what needs to be done FIRST and do just that part. We'll worry about the next part later."

 

I think just knowing that I understood that they weren't TRYING to be naughty, they just didn't know how to stop, that I was on their "team", loved them anyway, and would work to help them instead of punish them, made a big difference in how well they were able to handle things. And the coaching made a really big difference over time.

 

Hugs to you. Emotional kids can definitely be a challenge to deal with.

Edited August 20, 2012 by MamaSheep

[1bassoon]

This combined with what the previous poster said about not giving in on the fun stuff combined with not showing your own emotion. Clear as mud, right?:001_huh:

 

Kids, especially ones that react really dramatically tend to really feed off of our emotions. Think of yourself as Switzerland... Or a rock... Whatever:-). When you have to hold the line, do it calmly (and yes, I know that takes will power of steel:glare:) and do it like that every.single.time for as long as it takes for her to realize that her spazzing out will NOT make you spaz out (do you like my technical terms:D.)

 

When you tell her to do something, don't let her get away with rejecting your request. She doesn't move on to anything else while the undone thing is outstanding. When she screams, just look at her until she is finished. If it doesn't stop, you can let her know that the way she is choosing to handle the situation is pulling you away from what you need to do and that will very likely affect something she needs you to do for her later (I.e., being driven to sports, etc.) But again, you stay calm through it all. (Just channel your inner June Cleaver.)

 

When the seas are calm, smile and laugh with her about anything you can. Tell her what she is good at, and when you start seeing little improvements, help her associate them with her identity. If she starts calming down more quickly, you can say, "you have really been working to become a self-composed young woman... That shows a lot of maturity!". Or even better, let her overhear you saying it to someone else. Psychologists call it referential speaking, I see it as helping them to realize that self-control pays off in the respect of others.

 

Just my 2 cents, if it helps, great. If not, just click on;)

 

That is exactly what I was trying to get at.

 

The escalation has to stop - and it takes a calm, controlled, adult to show the child how to do that. It's hard work - very hard - but is the beginning of the process. It's a two-part process: staying calm while requiring and encouraging the behavior, and the in-between times, building a stronger, non-punitive relationship.

 

You explained it much better than I did!

[JessReplanted]

I think this might be the key to the confusion. My first was not like that either. Never. When she did have tantrums, they were never on that level. I'm one of those people who can say that I was a spectacular parent until I had my DD6. She changed all the rules.

 

 

 

Well said. Consequences mean nothing at all to my DD6. She doesn't choose to act the way she does. It's a total loss of control. I can apply all the consequences in the world, but the next time she loses it, she's surely not thinking to herself, "Boy, I'd better stop this or I'll get a consequence!"

 

It's a learning process. I just don't think you can punish it out of some kids. Instead, they need time and to learn methods of controlling themselves, anger management, redirection of frustration, help recognizing when their frustration levels are getting to danger level, etc. Trying to punish it out of my daughter only resulted in her starting to talk about how she was "just bad" and how she hated herself. Not at all the right direction, IMO.

 

And yes, sometimes these things do evolve with time, cognition, ability to express oneself, etc. It doesn't mean we shake our heads and ignore the little darlings' behavior. It just means more creative methods are necessary.

 

This does help me understand it better. Thanks for explaining.

[KrissiK]

My 9 year old boy is a fit thrower. He just wants his way and when he doesn't get it.... he throws a fit. Simple as that. So, I started keeping a little piece of paper in my pocket. When he'd throw a fit. I'd look at him, take the paper out, write down a tally mark, turn around and walk away. I didn't explain myself, nothing. I did that all day long. That first day it totally freaked him out. Then, at the end of the day, at bed time, I sat him down and we went over how many fits he threw. We did this when he was calm. And now we do this every day. Even when he doesn't throw fits. He still wants his little piece of paper that says "0" on it. It's a sticky note, so he keeps them on his dresser. He still throws fits occasionally, but it's really diminished. And it gives me a chance to give him some encouragement at the end of the day, but if he's had fits, I don't mince words and I tell him that behaviour is unacceptable and he's got to learn more self-control.

[kbpaulie]

OP, I haven't read all the posts. But I think I know what you're feeling. Nearly 6 yo DS has thrown so many fits this summer. So many times where we felt like we couldn't take him places, or he has to miss out on things. He misses out and says, "fine, I didn't want to go anyways." "Makes comments that he wishes he'd never been born. Tries to break things when he's ticked.

 

Here are some things that are slowly helping us heal:

1) Prayer and more prayer!!!! Prayer for my patience (b/c I seem to loose it when he acts this way) and prayer for his patience. Prayers that this "passion" can one day be used for God.

2) Read any or all books by John Rosemond or look them up on-line. Good, matter of fact author.

3) We've listed out a basic package that includes: love, food, shelter, education and maybe one more thing. These are things he's guaranteed to matter what. Extras include, well, all the extras - dessert, TV, games, sports... this is the priveledges package. When he acts up, he doesn't just lose a priveledge, he may have to go to the basic pacakge.

4) More prayer that this is just a phase and you will make it through to the other side of this. :grouphug:

[mama2cntrykids]

Six pages of awesomeness (is that a word lol?). I am overwhelmed by the wonderful words you ladies have for me. I totally *get* what everyone here is saying, and I think you're right; I've been going about it in the WRONG DIRECTION.

 

I need to be LESS punative and more loving, listening and trying to work through the problems instead of shoving them "in her room". I can absolutely see now that she really IS having a difficult time controling herself. I remember telling her a couple of days ago that she needs to control herself and she said (between sobs) that she "doesn't know HOW". Ding, ding, mama.

 

I do have a couple of the books mentioned above. I will pull them out again. I also will start keeping a food journal. Yes, I think that protein is KEY with her. I know it's KEY with ME lol. That's probably part of the problem.

 

I also think she's not getting enough sleep. She goes to bed around 8:30-9 p.m. and is up, usually at 7 a.m. Hopefully with the days getting shorter (not that I like shorter days), I can get her to be a little earlier. She tends to want to stay up later b/c of her brothers, but I think I can get around that with a little thought!

 

I can't thank everyone enough for their kind words and their ideas/thoughts. Much of this thread is JUST what I needed. I think when we're in the mist of hard things, it's difficult to see possible solutions. You all helped me with that! Thank you. Thank you!

 

ETA: None of my other kids have ever said that they hate me, our house, or whatever, just so everyone knows that :). I'm thinking it is this particular girly's drama coming out lol...

Edited August 20, 2012 by mama2cntrykids

[Alte Veste Academy]

I haven't read all the responses, so I hope you'll forgive if this is repeat info.

 

What I discovered with both of my children, who were champion fit-throwers (especially ds!!) was that they weren't throwing the fits "on purpose" in order to manipulate me, they were throwing the fits because they lacked the ability to regulate their own emotional state. Their emotions got so "big" that they really, truly, lost control, and couldn't stop even if they wanted to. It was actually frightening to them not to be in control of their emotions, and the fear of being out of control just escalated things. If I got upset and yelled and/or punished them for it, that just intensified their emotions, which they still were unable to regulate, and the fit got worse. Especially if they started worrying that Mom wouldn't love them if they couldn't stop throwing fits. If a child is able to regulate his emotional state, and throws fits in order to manipulate other people, then I think a "consequence" is very much in order. However, if a child is genuinely unable to get a grip when the emotions surge, if it's truly beyond her ability, then punishments make no sense at all. It would be like punishing a 1 year old for falling down when learning to walk. You wouldn't tell a toddler to stand up right this instant or there will be no dessert. You'd sympathize over the bumped hands and knees, stand them back up, and help them get their balance. This is the same idea, but emotionally rather than physically. When a child is learning the skill of controlling her own emotions, she needs help and encouragement when she "falls down", and no amount of punishing is going to make her better at being in control.

 

What really helped with my kids was to stay calm, and to be on "their side" in the situation. That means instead of shouting things like, "You stop that screaming right now!" or, "You will stay in your room until you can behave properly," you start saying (calmly and sympathetically) things like, "I can tell this is getting really frustrating for you." Or, "It looks like maybe you're feeling a little overwhelmed." And then you coach them on how to recognize and deal with "big" emotions. "I can tell you're feeling really frustrated right now. I bet your heart is beating fast, and your face feels hot, and you feel like you might start crying. How about if we stop and take a few really deep, slow breaths to help your heart slow down a little. Maybe you'd like to get a drink of water to help cool down a little. We can try this again in a minute when you're feeling a little better." Or, "I can tell you're feeling really overwhelmed right now. Why don't you take a little break and go up to your room and just get away from the problem for a few minutes. You can have a good cry if you need to--sometimes we all need to just have a good cry. And when you're feeling better you come back, and I'll help you with it so it's not so scary." Then when they come back you can give pointers for how to approach frustrating or scary tasks, like, "Let's not worry about the whole thing right now. Let's just figure out what needs to be done FIRST and do just that part. We'll worry about the next part later."

 

I think just knowing that I understood that they weren't TRYING to be naughty, they just didn't know how to stop, that I was on their "team", loved them anyway, and would work to help them instead of punish them, made a big difference in how well they were able to handle things. And the coaching made a really big difference over time.

 

Hugs to you. Emotional kids can definitely be a challenge to deal with.

 

Loved this entire post. Pretty much what I would have said too. DD is a child whose emotions were too big for her but she's learning to handle them slowly but surely. I am extremely proud of how far she has come! And I am even more proud to say that our relationship has improved through it all, as I have been supportive instead of punitive.

 

...when you start seeing little improvements, help her associate them with her identity. If she starts calming down more quickly, you can say, "you have really been working to become a self-composed young woman... That shows a lot of maturity!"

 

:iagree: I will never forget the :001_huh: look DH gave me at the dinner table one night when DD (who had been getting really irate with me because I refused her some privilege) said to me, with a great deal of sass, "I so want to roll my eyes at you right now!" I was :hurray::w00t::svengo::thumbup: because she didn't roll her eyes at me. She stuck with words. Sometimes, we have to rejoice in baby steps. :tongue_smilie:;)

[mama2cntrykids]

Loved this entire post. Pretty much what I would have said too. DD is a child whose emotions were too big for her but she's learning to handle them slowly but surely. I am extremely proud of how far she has come! And I am even more proud to say that our relationship has improved through it all, as I have been supportive instead of punitive.

 

 

 

:iagree: I will never forget the :001_huh: look DH gave me at the dinner table one night when DD (who had been getting really irate with me because I refused her some privilege) said to me, with a great deal of sass, "I so want to roll my eyes at you right now!" I was :hurray::w00t::svengo::thumbup: because she didn't roll her eyes at me. She stuck with words. Sometimes, we have to rejoice in baby steps. :tongue_smilie:;)

Thanks to this thread, I'm really starting to see this more clearly (bolded). I also LOVE your dd's comment...baby steps indeed! What wit lol!

[FO4UR]

I have a dd that is especially high-strung and sensitive.

 

 

Things that help here:

 

While she is *calm* ask her to find 3 things she enjoys doing by herself in her room. (Reading, playing with her dolls, and coloring...OK) I explained that when I see that she is starting to get upset (or is having trouble following direction;)) that I will send her to her room to do something quietly by herself for a little while. She is not in trouble when I send her to her room. This doesn't always work...you have to catch it early or it will feel like a punishment no matter how you phrase it. Also, helping her clean her room and making some nice corners for play communicates that her room is a special place - she feels loved there - acts of service might be one of her love languages if you follow those. Setting this up has to be done in calm and peaceful moments.

 

 

Doing school lessons with her first. She is very bright and I have taken it for granted in the past that she can work independently (even when she was 6yo) and pick up things faster than fast if I let her lessons go for a while. She wants her turn, and rightfully so. If I give her my undivided attention for her math & spelling first, she will happily play while her brothers work. (See paragraph above.)

 

 

Giving her enjoyable chores, especially that get her outside. She loves watering the garden first thing in the am.

 

 

Feeding her. Keeping her with a full, ice-cold water bottle. Keep fresh fruit handy for grazing.

 

 

Reminder her that we speak to human beings with respect and kindness, and Mommy is a human being too. (And having the self-control to speak to her with respect and kindness even when she does not do the same for me. In parenthesis b/c this is where I fail the most.)

[Joanne]

Originally Posted by JessReplanted

 

Maybe I'm 'old fashioned' for thinking this way, but continued poor behavior from a child demands a consequence. Poor behavior does not just dissipate with age, and the tantrums that were described are not just part of being 6.

 

None of my children have ever screamed that they hate it here or they hate their rooms. That behavior would completely shock me. But, if they did, there would certainly be a consequence.

 

My children are generally well behaved, loving, fun, kind, and caring kids, and they know that they are loved.

 

I believe in related, respectful, reasonable consequences. When those consequences don't punish the parents or siblings, even better.

 

I don't support arbitrary, unrelated consequences.

 

For *some* kids, the punishment cycle makes things *worse*, not better.

 

Lack of punishment does not equal permissive, but it is a whole new paradigm that requires some study, understanding, and a lot of open mindedness. The reward/consequence, "find what hurts them" mentality is very entrenched and incultured.

[Dmmetler]

There's a social skills app for the iPad called Social express, and one thing it teaches is how to use a "DPS"-digital problem solver, which is an app for the iPod touch, iPad, or iPhone. The DPS lesson is in both the full and free version of the Social express.

 

I'm amazed at how useful the DPS has been for my DD7, who tends to get frustrated with herself easily and burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I can prompt to "check your DPS setting", and just the act of getting out the iPod, opening the app, and going through the steps of recognizing how she's feeling and following some of the suggestions to calm down that it gives her makes a major difference in her ability to gain control of herself. It's giving her a specific tool to use, and it's something that she can do no matter where she is. I've seen it really help this summer, and I'm looking forward to see how it works starting this week when she starts regularly being in group situations for co-ops and homeschool classes again.

 

Maybe it would help your DD? If you already have an iPod, the my DPS app is only a few dollars.

[Haupia]

Thanks so much for posting this. I have been at wits end with my son. It is his personality! I am totally at a loss, I have tried EVERYTHING. I have noticed my son's tantrums usually happen when he is hungry, and it takes forever just to get him to eat. I will also say, that the other night I did try the Love approach. Which he totally growled the whole time, but I told him I loved him, hugged him, kissed him, and told him the food was on the table waiting for him when he was ready. Then I walked out. Sure enough, 5-10 mins later, he was eating....5 mins later he was dancing and giggling.....oh boy. I can't thank you enough for this post, I was seriously ready to take my child to the doctor for help. Now I am going to try y'alls advice. I am so excited! Thanks for giving me hope.

[Farrar]

I haven't read all the responses, so I hope you'll forgive if this is repeat info.

 

What I discovered with both of my children, who were champion fit-throwers (especially ds!!) was that they weren't throwing the fits "on purpose" in order to manipulate me, they were throwing the fits because they lacked the ability to regulate their own emotional state. Their emotions got so "big" that they really, truly, lost control, and couldn't stop even if they wanted to. It was actually frightening to them not to be in control of their emotions, and the fear of being out of control just escalated things. If I got upset and yelled and/or punished them for it, that just intensified their emotions, which they still were unable to regulate, and the fit got worse. Especially if they started worrying that Mom wouldn't love them if they couldn't stop throwing fits. If a child is able to regulate his emotional state, and throws fits in order to manipulate other people, then I think a "consequence" is very much in order. However, if a child is genuinely unable to get a grip when the emotions surge, if it's truly beyond her ability, then punishments make no sense at all. It would be like punishing a 1 year old for falling down when learning to walk. You wouldn't tell a toddler to stand up right this instant or there will be no dessert. You'd sympathize over the bumped hands and knees, stand them back up, and help them get their balance. This is the same idea, but emotionally rather than physically. When a child is learning the skill of controlling her own emotions, she needs help and encouragement when she "falls down", and no amount of punishing is going to make her better at being in control.

 

What really helped with my kids was to stay calm, and to be on "their side" in the situation. That means instead of shouting things like, "You stop that screaming right now!" or, "You will stay in your room until you can behave properly," you start saying (calmly and sympathetically) things like, "I can tell this is getting really frustrating for you." Or, "It looks like maybe you're feeling a little overwhelmed." And then you coach them on how to recognize and deal with "big" emotions. "I can tell you're feeling really frustrated right now. I bet your heart is beating fast, and your face feels hot, and you feel like you might start crying. How about if we stop and take a few really deep, slow breaths to help your heart slow down a little. Maybe you'd like to get a drink of water to help cool down a little. We can try this again in a minute when you're feeling a little better." Or, "I can tell you're feeling really overwhelmed right now. Why don't you take a little break and go up to your room and just get away from the problem for a few minutes. You can have a good cry if you need to--sometimes we all need to just have a good cry. And when you're feeling better you come back, and I'll help you with it so it's not so scary." Then when they come back you can give pointers for how to approach frustrating or scary tasks, like, "Let's not worry about the whole thing right now. Let's just figure out what needs to be done FIRST and do just that part. We'll worry about the next part later."

 

I think just knowing that I understood that they weren't TRYING to be naughty, they just didn't know how to stop, that I was on their "team", loved them anyway, and would work to help them instead of punish them, made a big difference in how well they were able to handle things. And the coaching made a really big difference over time.

 

Hugs to you. Emotional kids can definitely be a challenge to deal with.

 

Great post. :001_smile:

 

We do a lot of this. But sometimes I also just have to send my kids out of the room - my patience is not infinite. I always try to make it clear it's not a punishment, but that sometimes it's better to work things out together and other times by ourselves.

 

I want to say that I'm just beginning to see the payoff of working on expressing emotions with my really emotional ds, who is about to turn 8 yo. He's gotten progressively better at really expressing himself appropriately and recognizing what he really needs. During a really overwhelming and busy week recently, he got upset about one minor thing and started to freak out. But when I got him by himself, he was able to say that he was really just overwhelmed, that he needed time to himself, etc. And when he's able to really articulate that sort of thing, it takes all the wind out of the sails of the freak out. Instead of going nuts, he cries and accepts cuddles. And is able to say what he needs (to be alone and read, to do a quiet project, to go outside, whatever) and carry that out.

[Alte Veste Academy]

For the OP and others who can relate, I highly recommend the book Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? It was the book I needed to read for DD and was a great first step for me in reframing how I viewed her motivation.

[Hockey Mom]

I believe in related, respectful, reasonable consequences. When those consequences don't punish the parents or siblings, even better.

 

I don't support arbitrary, unrelated consequences.

 

For *some* kids, the punishment cycle makes things *worse*, not better.

 

Lack of punishment does not equal permissive, but it is a whole new paradigm that requires some study, understanding, and a lot of open mindedness. The reward/consequence, "find what hurts them" mentality is very entrenched and incultured.

:iagree:

 

You know what works for my difficult child? Redirection. I know which buttons are going to set him off, so I change my approach. Things run a lot more smoothly now.

 

Also, physical activity is a MUST for my boys. If they don't have an outlet to release that energy, I know it's going to be a looooooooooong day. 15-20 minutes running around outside, or 30 minutes in the pool does wonders for behavior around here.

[msjones]

Try talking with her about her fits when she's very calm and having a good day. Let her know how it concerns you, ask her how she feels about the fits, and let her know that you want to help her learn to control herself.

 

If she's able (6 is still so little), try to make a plan together about how you'll be helping her next time she goes over the edge into a fit. Hopefully, you can both agree to a plan of some kind.

 

My boys have responded very well to this approach. It's a way to support and teach your child while also making it clear that the behavior is unacceptable and needs to change.

 

It benefits me, too, to have this kind of loving, caring conversation about outrageous behavior that drives me nuts. It helps me remember that my kids are growing and learning and that they need help -- not just punishment and anger-- from their mom.

[Mom-ninja.]

:grouphug: I hear you.

 

 

Try the book Raising Your Spirited Child.

[Mom-ninja.]

Try talking with her about her fits when she's very calm and having a good day. Let her know how it concerns you, ask her how she feels about the fits, and let her know that you want to help her learn to control herself.

 

If she's able (6 is still so little), try to make a plan together about how you'll be helping her next time she goes over the edge into a fit. Hopefully, you can both agree to a plan of some kind.

 

My boys have responded very well to this approach. It's a way to support and teach your child while also making it clear that the behavior is unacceptable and needs to change.

 

It benefits me, too, to have this kind of loving, caring conversation about outrageous behavior that drives me nuts. It helps me remember that my kids are growing and learning and that they need help -- not just punishment and anger-- from their mom.

 

This. :iagree:

 

This has helped a lot. My ds said to me, "I want to behave but sometimes I just can't. I don't know why. I need you to help me. When you yell it makes my insides get worse and then I can't think about anything." That really struck me.

[gardenmom5]

any food sensitivities? noise sensitivities? (I didn't realize just how sensitive I am until I put in some earplugs and literally felt my tension level drop.) does she get enough sleep? (just because she wakes up on her own does not mean she's getting enough.) is she hungry? (my son does not recognize hunger, but he sure get's cranky!)

[WishboneDawn]

I am sorry, and I'm not trying to be argumentative, but, I'm confused.

 

Is the OP referring to child with special needs, or a child who is on the spectrum? Because if so, I totally missed it.

 

Maybe I'm 'old fashioned' for thinking this way, but continued poor behavior from a child demands a consequence. Poor behavior does not just dissipate with age, and the tantrums that were described are not just part of being 6.

 

None of my children have ever screamed that they hate it here or they hate their rooms. That behavior would completely shock me. :001_huh: But, if they did, there would certainly be a consequence.

 

My children are generally well behaved, loving, fun, kind, and caring kids, and they know that they are loved.

 

And, I'm all for calm voices, hugs, and cuddles. But, that is only one part of the discipline process, and it is proceeded by an apology on behalf of the child.

 

I am really just flabbergasted by this thread. :leaving:

 

You said you've never had child that behaved the way the OP's does. Those of us who are offering advice generally have. We've been through all the different ways of dealing with the issue th, probably somes that are or close to what you imagine you might do and what we're suggesting is what WORKED. It may not be your cup of tea but it is effective. It's also not concequence free. With what I suggested the concequence is that a child is sent to their room and has to gain control of themselves.

 

I don't think apologizing is a bad idea though and my son did do that. Taking things away though as you suggested in another post? That's just another way to add to the drama and feed the tantrum.

[delaney]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Red 40 and yellow sends our daughter into rages. Omega oils also help.

 

DS, age 6, is like that too. So aggressive when he has red #40!

[MamaSheep]

You said you've never had child that behaved the way the OP's does. Those of us who are offering advice generally have. We've been through all the different ways of dealing with the issue th, probably somes that are or close to what you imagine you might do and what we're suggesting is what WORKED. It may not be your cup of tea but it is effective. It's also not concequence free. With what I suggested the concequence is that a child is sent to their room and has to gain control of themselves.

 

I don't think apologizing is a bad idea though and my son did do that. Taking things away though as you suggested in another post? That's just another way to add to the drama and feed the tantrum.

 

:iagree:

 

It's not as if we never tried anything (or everything) else. I do find it curious that an approach based on kindness, that works, results in someone being "flabbergasted", though. Is kindness really so very revolutionary?

Edited August 20, 2012 by MamaSheep

[Mommyfaithe]

:iagree:

 

It's not as if we never tried anything (or everything) else. I do find it curious that an approach based on kindness, that works, results in someone being "flabbergasted", though. Is kindness really so very revolutionary?

 

:iagree: :001_huh:

[mama2cntrykids]

Ok, twice today she started melting down, like (snap) that. I mean, it went from calm to angry in three seconds. BUT, I was able to stay calm myself and not feed into it. It was over SO much quicker than previous times.

 

I really do feel like a big key to this is staying calm. I will keep on this road, along with trying the other heart-to-heart (for lack of a better term) suggestions :).

[Shelsi]

I didn't read through this entire thread so I imagine it's already been said a million times over but food dyes are an issue for my kids and it doesn't take much at all.

 

In fact we were eating totally unprocessed except I was letting them eat junk cereal for breakfast. I didn't see it causing any major issues. Well it bothered me, just because we try to eat very healthy/clean, so I took out the junk cereal and started making breakfast. About 4 days went by and I suddenly realized that my then 2nd grade ds hadn't cried over his school-work that week! The more I thought about it I realized my then 4 yr old also hadn't thrown one of her usual kicking, hitting, biting, going totally insane, can't even hear anyone tantrums. It had never occurred to me that any of those things could be related to food since generally we eat so well.

 

So I let them have some junky cereal again and boom, back to the crying over everything and my dd's tantrums. Took it back out and the crying and tantrums went away.

 

Even my ds noticed the difference. He said he felt more in control of his feelings and that things didn't make him cry anymore like they used to.

[Tiramisu]

Ok, twice today she started melting down, like (snap) that. I mean, it went from calm to angry in three seconds. BUT, I was able to stay calm myself and not feed into it. It was over SO much quicker than previous times.

 

I really do feel like a big key to this is staying calm. I will keep on this road, along with trying the other heart-to-heart (for lack of a better term) suggestions :).

 

One little thing to try is praise for good behavior or even the littlest thing well done. And I know it's sometimes really, really hard to find something to say a good word about. This can turn my dd's world around. She instantly becomes my partner who is there to help.

 

When it comes to "fits," we never have to point out that she is doing something wrong. She is very well aware of it, and is her own worst critic. I definitely agree with putting them in their room if they are losing it, but I think we have to be very careful about what we say so we don't make them hate themselves anymore. Acknowledge the failing, talk about what we can do to avoid it if it seems like it's going to happen again, but not harshly criticize. Does that make sense?

 

If it helps, my one dd who still has meltdowns has really started to be able to catch herself in the last year or so. She may freak out but the episodes are shorter, and in just a few minutes, she'll come and apologize. At this point, I don't like it, but I almost think it's worse for her than us.

[WishboneDawn]

Ok, twice today she started melting down, like (snap) that. I mean, it went from calm to angry in three seconds. BUT, I was able to stay calm myself and not feed into it. It was over SO much quicker than previous times.

 

I really do feel like a big key to this is staying calm. I will keep on this road, along with trying the other heart-to-heart (for lack of a better term) suggestions :).

 

:party:

[justamouse]

 

Feeding her. Keeping her with a full, ice-cold water bottle. Keep fresh fruit handy for grazing.

 

 

 

With this, realize that what you are really doing is keeping her blood sugar stable.

 

It's a hard thing for kids to learn self control when they are young, harder still when you add in hormones in the older ages, but blood sugar is something you can control. *I* had a hard time with my emotions and thinking when my blood sugar was low. Me, the adult. How much moreso for a child?

[Momma_Bear]

From a mom who has btdt...please don't do this. ( no offense....and I know this is what we feel like doing, but it is not effective....and causes some real underlying resentment, or passive aggressive behavior on the part of the child. If you are going to go to battle....be wise in which ones you engage in and how you engage. )

 

Temper tantrums are loud and annoying and usually cause the parent to put the kids away or escalate the battle into all out warfare.

 

Instead, I say pull that child closer. Make her your right hand man. When she is losing it....stay calm and put her in your lap....whisper in her ear how much you love her and calm her down.

 

Then, go back to whatever set her off and help her finish her job. YES.....it takes a long time. YES, it is harder than just putting her outside or making her figure it out herself. 6 is still very young, and those out of control feelings are difficult to reign in. She needs to learn coping mechanisms.

 

Try to spend time with her when she is NOT emotionally charged. Try to find her doing good things. Focus on her strengths. Do something with her that SHE wants to do.

 

The thing is, when a child pulls away....we tend to push them further away. By pulling them closer in, that child is shown unconditional love and realizes you love them even when they are doing unlovable things.

When a child is out of control, it is not a time to pull rank.....it is a time to help them get control of themselves.

 

~~faithe

:iagree::iagree: Great advice!!

[MamaSheep]

One little thing to try is praise for good behavior or even the littlest thing well done. And I know it's sometimes really, really hard to find something to say a good word about. This can turn my dd's world around. She instantly becomes my partner who is there to help.

 

When it comes to "fits," we never have to point out that she is doing something wrong. She is very well aware of it, and is her own worst critic. I definitely agree with putting them in their room if they are losing it, but I think we have to be very careful about what we say so we don't make them hate themselves anymore. Acknowledge the failing, talk about what we can do to avoid it if it seems like it's going to happen again, but not harshly criticize. Does that make sense?

 

If it helps, my one dd who still has meltdowns has really started to be able to catch herself in the last year or so. She may freak out but the episodes are shorter, and in just a few minutes, she'll come and apologize. At this point, I don't like it, but I almost think it's worse for her than us.

 

:iagree: Emphatically. One of the best pieces of advice I've been given is to consciously work toward a MINIMUM of four positive interactions for each negative interaction with my child. This was incredibly hard in the beginning because he was such an incredibly negative child, and rarely initiated any kind of positive interaction, so the positives were mostly up to me. And he could get in a LOT of negative interactions REALLY FAST. But as time went by and I kept trying, I found that not only was our relationship better, but there were also many, many fewer negative interactions going on in general. It's harder sometimes to "catch" them doing something right, and sometimes you REALLY have to look hard to find the positives to praise (I've resorted to, "Hey, that was awesome, it only took you 15 minutes to calm down this time; last time it took half an hour. You cut your time in half in one try!"), but it's definitely worth the effort.

[cin]

Keeping things calm is important, and it reminds me of one of my more shining moments as a parent. One of those 'there goes the mother of year award' moments.

 

One day DD was poking herself with a pencil. She had jeans on, and it wasn't a sharp pencil, so I wasn't overly concerned. But, instead of making a scene, asking her why she wanted to hurt herself, and so on, as I usually do, I walked past her and said 'Please don't do that, I really don't have time to take you to the ER today'. And I said it very calmly. And she stopped. She totally Stopped!!! So now, whenever I see her hitting, pinching or poking herself, I have stopped overreacting or overfocusing. Now I just tell her to stop, and she usually does.

[Haupia]

Saw this today, think I will apply this to help with the constant coming out of the room, plus maybe even a claming technique

http://mycrazyblessedlife.com/2011/10/03/relax-bottletime-out-timer/