Do your younger children "mind" or listen to your older kids?

[Blessedfamily]

Do you give your older kids any kind of authority with the younger kids? Just curious.

 

I just asked my oldest to tell my youngest to sit down and she completely ignored her. Mind you, they're only 5 and 1 and I normally do this myself. But it made me think about what happens when kids are older.

 

I haven't thought that far ahead yet- I'm still trying to get out from under diapers.

Edited May 3, 2009 by Blessedfamily

[Tap]

Ds is 14 and started babysitting dd10 when they were 12 and 8. Dd has always listened to instructions from her brother, but I think it is because of how much age difference there is. He has always been much older that her and much bigger.

 

Ds14 helps us with dd2 a lot. He is a natural parent, and while he doesn't try to parent her when we are here, he easily steps into the role when we are not home. He knows our family rules and helps us teach them to dd2.

 

DD10 helps with dd2 if we are home and need her to step in but they don't have an authority relationship other than what a sibling would usually have (don't jump on the couch etc). Dd10 will try to get dd2 to stop doing something before she asks me to help, but dd10 will get us quickly if dd2 doesn't comply, if we can't step in, then we let it go, dd10 has no discipline authority over dd2. DS14 will dicipline dd2 if we are not available.

[Nestof3]

Since we have such an age difference between Aaron and the youngest two, Aaron has often be left in "charge" of the boys -- date nights, runs to grocery store, etc. The boys know they need to do what Aaron says, but if they have a question, I am a cell phone call away. I want my boys to know that they can question what other authority figures say -- not just follow blindly if something doesn't seem right to them. I also understand that Aaron is not a parent and may not make the best call. In fact, I don't always make the best call. So, I try to make sure I'm available for any questions or concerns.

 

Now, if I tell Ben to tell Nathan to come to the sofa for school, Ben will say, "Nathan, mom wants you to come to the sofa" and he will come. If Ben goes back and says, "come to the sofa," Nathan doesn't necessarily come, and I wouldn't expect him to. I have explained to Nathan that he should ask his brother why out of politeness, and then if Nathan doesn't want to play whatever Ben wanted to play on the sofa, then he can decline.

[Murphy101]

no. almost not at all.

 

and for the most part I'm okay with that.

 

I'm working on a general listen to each other and always take care of each other kind of thing.

 

Mine are far too close in age to expect an age related authority situation.

The olders have some level with the littlest ones, but not a lot.

[Tree House Academy]

My older tries to boss around my younger. This usually happens before a fight ensues.:glare:

[KidsHappen]

It really depends on the age difference and the situation. The 9 year old will easily listen to the 16 & 17 years olds anytime, no problem. The 12 year old not so much. Now if I am not home and the teens are in charge then the 12 year old is more compliant (because she knows there will be hell to pay if she is not). Generally speaking though, I do not have a problem with the teens correcting the youngers as they better know the rules and what is expected from mom. If I am not present (even just in the same room) they can easily say, mom does not allow or approve of that.

 

Things were the same way in my house when I was growing up. I was the oldest and I had authority and responsibility over my brothers often. Of course, I am looking at it from the POV of an oldest so younger children might not think that it is as great of an idea. For the most part, it never seemed to be a problem with most of my youngers. It was just the way it was. The 12 year old is the only one that has ever had a problem complying or submitting to an older but that is due to her own personality.

 

I think that you probably need at least a three year difference in age to make it work though. I could have never left the 17 in charge of the 16 year old at any point in time or the 26 old in charge of the 24 year old. The ages were too close for it to work. Even in the case of the 12 old and 9 year old (in my particular case) they are too close for it to work. However, I have been able to leave the 16 year old in charge of the 12 year old since the 16 year old was about 11. Different kids, different personalities.

[Kathleen in VA]

For the most part, my youngers obey the olders. I do make a point to say, "You are to obey ________ while I am gone. You are to do whatever they ask you to do sweetly and cheerfully. I will get a report when I get back from the store (or where ever)." I also tell the olders not to do a lot of ordering about so as to avoid confrontation. They've learned over the years that you get a whole lot more cooperation when you say, "Let's clean up this mess," than when you say, "Clean up that mess." ;) When my olders are babysitting I do not expect much to get accomplished (chores, school, etc.) - my main goal is to just keep everyone happy and getting along. I also have very level-headed older children, whom I trust to obey me.

 

When I am in the room or nearby, I do not allow the olders to give orders to the youngers or to correct their behavior. We have had many discussions about this. When mom is home, mom is the one who gives orders or who corrects behavior. I may need to delegate that responsibility once in a great while, but not much.

 

If I need someone to relay a message to someone else, I tell them to say, "Mom said _____________," or "Mom wants to know _________." That way the receiver of the message knows it is coming from me - not their sibling.

[hsmamainva]

Definitely!

 

My oldest is 18 and she's been babysitting for us for 4 or 5 years now. The younger ones know that, when she's in charge, they listen! Of course, she doesn't 'babysit' the 15 year old, but he gets along very well with her, so there aren't any problems.

 

We're just now starting to leave the 15 year old in charge and that's new for the two younger ones! But the 18 year old is in college and has her own car, not to mention the social calendar that comes along with both, so she's not always available for babysitting.

 

My 7 year old listens very well to my 15 year old...the 9 year old boy? Not so much! ;) We're working on that!

[Ria]

I don't encourage my older kids to tell the younger ones what to do unless the younger ones are doing something really bad or dangerous. It's my job to be the mom and enforcer, not a sibling's job.

 

As my kids have gotten older and babysat for me, I have instructed the kids that X will be in charge while I am gone, and they should obey until I get home. They are fine with it then.

 

Ria

Edited May 3, 2009 by Ria

[bettyandbob]

My oldest watches my youngest sometimes. My youngest doesn't think much about my oldest's authority. He will be safe, get fed and get to bed (if needed) while I'm gone, but he gives oldest a very hard time (at least my oldest feels that way). So, I'm not gone long.

[Blessedfamily]

Now that I think about it, my older sister used to sit for us regularly. But to tell you the truth, she was the one who needed watching. She didn't tell us not to break rules because she was the one breaking them the minute my mother left. My middle sister and I were book-nerds anyway, so all was well when my mom got home.

[Heather in Neverland]

My older tries to boss around my younger. This usually happens before a fight ensues.:glare:

 

Yup...here too. My older ds tries to boss the younger ds. The younger ds tells him he is not the boss. Argument ensues. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would not have children telling one another what to do unless there is a LARGE age difference (a 14 yo and a 3yo). And I would rarely do it except when I'm leaving the older one in charge for a time period (which I would try to do as little as possible). No way would I have a 4yo told what to do by his 8yo brother though (which is about the same age difference you're talking about). The only time I would think that would be reasonable is the same that is true for ANY family members such as "we can't go over the boundary line because we could get hurt or mom might get worried about us." In other words, a 4yo could have said it to the 8yo also.

 

Oh, and as for "watching siblings"? I would not have kids that close in age babysitting either. I wouldn't leave an 8yo with his 12yo brother unless I trusted the 8yo completely. They should be able to encourage each other to stay in check but shouldn't have to tell each other what to do.

 

Hoping that makes sense....

[Mandamom]

As a PP said, I won't let one of my kids tell another what to do because a fight will erupt.

 

My issue is less about age but more about personality of the kids. I've also not let my children babysit each other. Stubborn, strong-willed children make it hard to imagine having one in charge of another. It wouldn't be a pretty picture :)

[tricia]

Yes, our children are instructed to obey the elder sibling in charge. We make that clear to them that they are to listen and obey them just as if it were dad or I speaking to them. Granted, now that the older child is responsible and doesn't pull rank. But we have rarely had that problem. With as many children as I have they learn quick to obey the older child. It just seems to naturally run down the line!!:D

[lionfamily1999]

My youngest is... "active" iykwIm. He "obeys" his older brother about as well as he "obeys" dh. DD, however, has him wrapped around her little finger, he listens to her.

 

My brother and I were two years apart. Mom never left him in charge (I'm the youngest) per se, but she would leave us to take care of eachother. If your kids are close in age, that might be accomplished easier than having one in charge of the other. Lol, whenever I mow the lawn or want (imagine this) privacy, I leave the kids in charge of each other. They either get along or end up in a stalemate that lasts until I'm done doing whatever I needed to do.

 

IOW, it's possible.

[6packofun]

I make it known to every child before we go somewhere that I will be asking for reports on both the babysitters and babysat-upons!! Our older kids know that they'd better not be bossing the younger ones around and that they step in only to *remind* others of the rules and for safety reasons. If a younger one gets too unruly and won't listen, I want a phone call and we discuss consequences with the offender right then and there.

 

I don't encourage tattling, per se...lol...but knowing that I want ALL to follow the rules laid out for THEM really helps. (Our older ones also know that they don't get to have a babysitting job--or possibly ANY job--outside of our house until they have self-control and our family rules DOWN very well.)

[eternalknot]

It's never been explicitly spoken, but it's pretty well understood that our youngers are expected to listen to the elders. My daughter is 3, my son is 8; she has always minded her brother. He's never really acted unreasonably in what he has expected or asked of her. She rebels against anyone who makes unreasonable requests (oftentimes her dad), but she complies with reasonable requests (by anyone) even if she doesn't want to. She's never not complied with her brother's requests, though she is outspoken about not liking all of them!

 

We live with extended family, and my 8 year old also minds his cousins (ages 9 and 11). We impress upon the older siblings that they have a responsibility to the youngers, so for the most part they don't "pull rank" or otherwise abuse their "power" because they view it as a responsibility rather than a perk of being older. The youngers seem okay minding the elders, because it's not something the elders take advantage of. But then again, we don't come from (or strive for) standard American culture. As an adult I still listen to my elder siblings :) and even if I no longer 100% "mind" them, I continue to hold them in high regard and trust that they look after my best interests. Many times in hindsight will wish I had listened to them after all, sigh.

 

We don't expect or teach blind obedience (whether to an elder sibling or to an adult) but we don't tolerate blatant disregard for obedience either (regardless of who is disciplining, sibling or adult). I don't feel like it is my exclusive responsibility to discipline my kids, by simple virtue of being their parent. I think it's the family's collective responsibility to look out for one another - always, in all ways.

[Peek a Boo]

For the most part, my youngers obey the olders. I do make a point to say, "You are to obey ________ while I am gone. You are to do whatever they ask you to do sweetly and cheerfully. I will get a report when I get back from the store (or where ever)." I also tell the olders not to do a lot of ordering about so as to avoid confrontation. They've learned over the years that you get a whole lot more cooperation when you say, "Let's clean up this mess," than when you say, "Clean up that mess." ;) When my olders are babysitting I do not expect much to get accomplished (chores, school, etc.) - my main goal is to just keep everyone happy and getting along. I also have very level-headed older children, whom I trust to obey me.

 

When I am in the room or nearby, I do not allow the olders to give orders to the youngers or to correct their behavior. We have had many discussions about this. When mom is home, mom is the one who gives orders or who corrects behavior. I may need to delegate that responsibility once in a great while, but not much.

 

If I need someone to relay a message to someone else, I tell them to say, "Mom said _____________," or "Mom wants to know _________." That way the receiver of the message knows it is coming from me - not their sibling.

 

This is almost exactly our situation.

 

I figger it's my job as mom to make sure they can recognize authority from various people --not just me or dad ;)

[Blessedfamily]

Thanks again for all the perspectives. Actually, it's a good thing this is coming up because in discussing it with DH, I find that we have very different experiences with this from our families, and we need to get our own game plan worked out.

 

DH says he was always held responsible for his brother (1 year younger). If they went out to play and the brother got into trouble, DH would be punished. He told me that when he was 9 and his brother was 8 the brother rode his bike into the street and almost got hit. Dh yelled at the brother because their mother held him(dh) responsible.

 

Since he was raised that way, Dh seems to think that's OK. I had to tell him nicely that I disagree with that. I can't see holding a sibling who is 1 year older responsible to that degree. It also brings to mind a story dh told me years ago about his mother being upset that dh was going to a 4 year college instead of community college with the younger brother.

 

I know noone here suggested dependence to this degree, but I'm glad this discussion was brought up on the board and between DH and me. Gives us a chance to work out our method.

[Carrie12345]

I don't know what will happen when they're older but, right now, you can catch me yelling "You are NOT the parent!" several times a day.

 

My 10yo seems to think that his birth order gives him the right to direct his siblings. It does not. And his attempts annoy the heck out of me! He is a child. I am the parent. If there is an issue I'm not aware of, he is supposed to let me know.

Unless, of course, it's an emergency.

[Harriet Vane]

My ds absolutely does NOT obey his sister, nor do I expect him to do so. It's just the two of them--even though they are four years apart, they operate in many ways as equals, usually friends, sometimes at odds with each other. If I ask either child to give direction to the other, they always precede the statement with, "Mom says . . . " Therefore the authority is always MINE, not a sibling's. I am very, very strict about not allowing the kid giving the directions to deviate from what I have said or to try to force compliance--that kid is simply a messenger.

 

On the other hand, my weekend kids DO obey my dd. We care for five young cousins each week. The oldest is my dd's age, and the two of them tend to run the show. My oldest is very maternal, so all four of the younger cousins have accorded her a level of respect/obedience that kind of blows my mind. I have in fact spent a lot of time coaching dd how to respond to their questions/obedience in a way that takes that responsibility OFF her shoulders. As an example, they often go to her to settle disputes or "tell on" each other if they think something is unfair. Dd does not really like being the authority figure, but initially responded instinctively to those situations and arbitrated them. I have been coaching her with how to respond with phrases like, "You two need to work this out on your own" or "You'll have to talk to my mom about that."

 

The youngest cousin really does respond to both my dd and the oldest 3 cousins in obedience. She is just 5yo, and markedly younger than the others. Developmentally she is also quite young/immature. She really does treat most of her siblings as well as my two kids as though they are all her parents. I don't fuss about it too much as I think the age difference and maturity difference makes it an inescapable fact.

[Danestress]

I don't mind at all. He doesn't just make up things to boss them around with, but if he tells them not to do something or to do something, they seem to think they should, and I tend to agree.

 

There are a lot of hard things associated with being the oldest. He had a lot of responsibilities and makes a lot of sacrifices. There are things he can't do around the house that maybe he could if he didn't have younger siblings. So if occasionally he gets to flex his muscles, whatever. I want him to learn how to exercise authority. And I find that with a young man, it's always better to show respect and deference than to push him down and remind him he's not the adult. It just makes life run better in our house if I mentor him in how to be an effective leader than if I try to tell him that only parents can be in charges. He's happier, and honestly, his little brothers adore him and seem to accept it as the natural order of things that when you live with adults who love you, they direct your actions at times.

 

He's ten years older, so it's always been this way. When they were toddlers, he spent pretty much every waking moment that he was home watching whether they put anything in their mouths. I was glad to have that watchful, bossy eye!

Edited May 8, 2009 by Danestress