No good deed goes unpunished (rant)

[laughing lioness]

I need some airspace. My feelings are hurt, I know it's dumb, I know it's petty but I am angry and hurt. I am the state co for a educational program that is week-long. Last year we stayed at a family's home, my ds was in the program and my 18yo was there watching my 2 younger ones. We barely saw the older couple we stayed with. My dd would sleep in with the littles, get them ready and then join us later in the morning. The couple was fun, engaging, doted on my kids, made homemade breakfast every morning, etc I just found out she was really angry with us. That she resented us being there, that we "gave homeschooling a bad name." (because I didn't bathe the littles every day -seriously I was "working from 6 a.m. to 11-1:30 a.m. every day- and the kids were inside in the dead of winter- it's not like they were hot and sweaty every day). My 9 yo didn't have his homeswork totally finished for his short class and she thought I was negligent. My 9yo could run the class, hello. So, the gal who helped with housing called to tell me she'd still help but she wouldn't find a place for my family again- though she'd be happy to find a place for another group that ended up telling "white lies" and being somewhat decietful. Sh'es doing it to "protect me" because I should have just left my 3 other kids at home. We live OUT in the country, my dh works LATE every evening and in another town 2 days a week, our phone lines were not working propoerly and he takes the cell phone- I mean, honestly, it was partly a safety issue, but the gal said, "I grew up on a farm, and I stayed alone all the time." So, really, I should come, work for free, make it happen for eveyone else and ignore my family. I'm just so mad at the petty meaness and the legalism. I was thoughtful and listened on the phone and said all the right things. The gal thanked me profusly for not being offended but frankly I'm pissed.

[Stacy in NJ]

You know, sometimes people "think" they want to host guests, believe that they're being generous, but really do resent any intrusion into their home. They justify their resentful feelings by manufacturing a reason why their guests were bothersome. These folks probably had conflicting feelings about having someone in their home, but don't want to acknowlege them. Blow-off their unkind comments.

 

The organization you're volunteering for doesn't sound particularly grateful for your time and effort. Perhaps you should think about finding a different way to volunteer or participate with this group.

[Mom0012]

Sorry that happened to you! It makes me upset just reading it.

 

Lisa

[MamaT]

Yeah, I would be upset. I also would be done with this program. Let yourself be angry, then get over it (it will only eat you up), and move on to something better. They don't deserve you.

[Ellie]

Oh, man, I cannot believe that. I'll rant with you!!:rant:

 

And I wish I lived where you do. You'd be welcome to stay with me.

[Ravin]

I hate it when people have a problem with me and consequently feel it necessary to make problems FOR me behind my back, instead of confronting me or sucking it up.

 

If this thing you have to volunteer for is in the Phoenix metro area, you're welcome to stay with me!

 

Seriously, it seems to me that the reasonable solution would be for them to find a DIFFERENT family for you to stay with this time around, not just leave you high and dry. OR since you're working for FREE as a volunteer in a major position, they can pay for a motel room for you. Leaving you high and dry says they don't really want your help. I'd be tempted to bail on them.

[Brilliant]

It sounds like this program isn't a good fit for your family right now. Am I understanding this correctly? It requires you to work from 6AM to 11PM...and during much of that time, your oldest teenager is supervising your kids, at someone else's house.

 

I don't think the couple should have talked about you behind your back. So rude! But one thing to consider, is that perhaps they thought that they were providing housing for the coordinator and her children-participants who would be at the program with her. Then the reality was that you were gone 17 hours a day, leaving your family at their house. Perhaps that was more than they bargained for (although they certainly should have been more gracious!)

[HollyinNNV]

I question why you were told any of these hurtful things. All you needed to be told is, "Sorry, the folks that hosted you last year are unable to do so this year."

 

Holly

[elegantlion]

Yes, I would be ticked if people felt they were being kind by not airing their grievances to me, yet felt like sharing behind your back.

 

Does this older couple have any ties to homeschooling? It amazes me how people think they can accurately judge the success of something (like homeschooling) when they don't have a clue as to how it works.

[Brilliant]

I question why you were told any of these hurtful things. All you needed to be told is, "Sorry, the folks that hosted you last year are unable to do so this year."

 

Holly

:iagree:

 

Holly, I was going to edit my post to add that, too. It was very junior-high-ish for the housing coordinator to repeat what was said. She should have just told laughing lioness that she couldn't provide housing for the whole family - only participants - instead of repeating the mean feedback, and arguing about whether the kids could be left at home.

[katilac]

I'd certainly not do it if they don't find a free place for me and my family to stay - - honestly, it should be a hotel, it's very gracious of you to accept someone's home.

 

If they can't do this, I'd wish them the best of luck finding someone to fill their crappy volunteer position.

 

(and, srsly, how on earth did the woman know you didn't bathe the kids everyday? she kept track? bizarre! if i had a family staying at my house, i'd be very grateful if they didn't bathe the kids everyday! lots of extra hot water and laundry, sheesh)

[laughing lioness]

Thanks, friends. I soo apprecitae the validation. I was afraid I would start talking to others and just make it worse.

My kids didn't stay at their house all day- they went to a central meeting area. In fact, they were with me until late at night- that's part of why they weren't getting bathed! And I did feel that the housing gal was being mean spirited telling me these things. She also pointed fingers at my 9 yo but I know those weren't accurate either. It is petty. And the nat'l group is pretty terrific. It's my job as state co to keep things in my state together :001_smile:laughing as I type that. But, seriously, thanks again for the thoughtful comments!!!

[siloam]

Oh I am seriously laughing at the reasons why she was mad at you. Goodness! My dh only got a bath once a week and he was in PS. Guess his mom gave PS a bad name? :smilielol5: It scared him for life too. :smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

You are never going to win this one. Logic and reason have left the building. My guess is the gal has some bone to pick with you, so she is nit-picking you.

 

Hope things work out!

 

Heather

 

[mommaduck]

*gasp!* You mean you WEREN'T being SUPERMOM?!?! :lol:

[unsinkable]

I need some airspace. My feelings are hurt, I know it's dumb, I know it's petty but I am angry and hurt. I am the state co for a educational program that is week-long. Last year we stayed at a family's home, my ds was in the program and my 18yo was there watching my 2 younger ones. We barely saw the older couple we stayed with. My dd would sleep in with the littles, get them ready and then join us later in the morning. The couple was fun, engaging, doted on my kids, made homemade breakfast every morning, etc I just found out she was really angry with us. That she resented us being there, that we "gave homeschooling a bad name." (because I didn't bathe the littles every day -seriously I was "working from 6 a.m. to 11-1:30 a.m. every day- and the kids were inside in the dead of winter- it's not like they were hot and sweaty every day). My 9 yo didn't have his homeswork totally finished for his short class and she thought I was negligent. My 9yo could run the class, hello. So, the gal who helped with housing called to tell me she'd still help but she wouldn't find a place for my family again- though she'd be happy to find a place for another group that ended up telling "white lies" and being somewhat decietful. Sh'es doing it to "protect me" because I should have just left my 3 other kids at home. We live OUT in the country, my dh works LATE every evening and in another town 2 days a week, our phone lines were not working propoerly and he takes the cell phone- I mean, honestly, it was partly a safety issue, but the gal said, "I grew up on a farm, and I stayed alone all the time." So, really, I should come, work for free, make it happen for eveyone else and ignore my family. I'm just so mad at the petty meaness and the legalism. I was thoughtful and listened on the phone and said all the right things. The gal thanked me profusly for not being offended but frankly I'm pissed.

 

Wow, that is too bad.

 

For me, knowing that someone is angry with me after the fact is particlularly hard to understand. I hate that it seems as if I can't "fix it."

 

I hope things work out!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'd be hurt and upset too, especially with the messenger. The couple sounds a little...nuts or maybe they just can't share their space again and felt the need to offer up a reason. The housing coordinator should have just found other accomodations for you and the family. I second suggesting the hotel option.

[Robin in DFW]

I wasn't going to reply, but decided to, at least let you know how sorry I am that you have to deal with this situation.

 

Not to side-track, but I have dealt with a similar issue...with my neighbors. There is some issue they have with our family...we don't really know what it is, but the mom speaks ill of us and our son to our other neighbors (who are such sheeple, they believe whatever it is they are being told), tries to discredit us, puts blame on our son for things he didn't do and basically makes for a very uncomfortable situation. They do not acknowledge us and although we have tried to continue to be civil, we have finally given up. We pretend no one lives in the house next door. Sad, I know.

 

YOU can't change other people...especially when they have a grudge or are just plain ol' unhappy. It bothers me to no end that someone has a problem with our family and we don't know why, so I understand how this bothers you, too. It makes you feel very helpless, like you need to fix something. Just realize, some people are hateful and have less than happy lives. It makes them feel better about themselves to put down and discredit others...they have nothing else.

 

Sorry you've had to deal with this. At least it's not your next door neighbor. :001_smile:

 

Robin

Edited April 28, 2009 by Robin in DFW

[4wildberrys]

It angered me reading your post too! How hurtful to be told exactly "why" the family can't have you again :glare: Personally, I would write a letter of "apology" to this family and mention that with "volunteering" ALL day and only having your 18yo to play parent---of course it was impossible for you to play your "usual" role of Supermom! "But thank you SO much for allowing us to share your personal home for that time and I am SO sorry that our family was so offensive". And then I would just let that helpful woman who called you know that if you will be continuing to play your all day volunteer role, you will be needing a hotel room to avoid any more psychological damage to your children due to unwarranted and nitpicky criticism! :001_huh:

 

 

Snarky--I know---but your family and feelings count too! ;)

[Guest Katia]

It angered me reading your post too! How hurtful to be told exactly "why" the family can't have you again :glare: Personally, I would write a letter of "apology" to this family and mention that with "volunteering" ALL day and only having your 18yo to play parent---of course it was impossible for you to play your "usual" role of Supermom! "But thank you SO much for allowing us to share your personal home for that time and I am SO sorry that our family was so offensive". And then I would just let that helpful woman who called you know that if you will be continuing to play your all day volunteer role, you will be needing a hotel room to avoid any more psychological damage to your children due to unwarranted and nitpicky criticism! :001_huh:

 

 

Snarky--I know---but your family and feelings count too! ;)

 

I think this is excellent advice! Puts the blame squarely back where it belongs and you have apologized for an offense you didn't even know you committed. I'd do this.

[TravelingChris]

None of my children ever got daily baths. It wasn't recommended by anyone, in fact, it was specifically not recommended by many doctors. (We have eczema problems). What a rude statement. I agree with others that the organization should front you hotel accomodations. Yes, you are a volunteer but your time is valuable. I also think there is nothing unreasonable about not wanting your children alone on a farm with no transportation.