How do you handle relational discord?

[Colleen]

Most people have at least one relationship in their life which is less-than-satisfactory. Maybe it's (relatively) small, e.g. a lack of understanding with a teacher or a pastor; perhaps it's as signficant as ongoing marital tension. It may be a lack of harmony with a parent, a child, a friend ~ whatever. Whomever. But let's say you have/had a genuinely difficult relationship with someone whose role in your life is significant. And let's say the discord has not/does not ease over time. How do you handle that? How do you maintain your own sense of sanity and good health while this discord is an ever-present force in your life? Do you shut down, to a degree? Seek counseling? Find fulfillment in other areas of your life? Throw yourself into your children/your work/physical fitness/whatever?

 

I know this is a vague question, but it's not my intention to be vague. The older I get, the more I realize many people are often moving along in life with this Bad Relationship Baggage. Simply getting rid of the relationship isn't always the best solution. And yet, moving past the baggage, getting to a better place, sometimes doesn't happen, either. So I'm thinking about how we react, how we handle it, how we thrive in the face of a supremely difficult personal relationship.

Edited March 21, 2009 by Colleen

[Tammy]

not knowing the degree of 'discord'.....

 

If it is something major....and you can't come to a conclusion and work it out....then I would have to move on.

 

Everyone controls their own happiness, and I think everyone deserves to be happy.

[Dobela]

For me the discord comes from extended, significant family members. The best thing for me was learning to set boundaries with the help of a trained counselor and the books by Townsend and McCloud.

[muffinmom]

In my more generous moments, I ask myself what about me/my personality/my hangups, etc. are contributing to this discord (of course I have long since "figured out" how the other person is contributing! :tongue_smilie:). And then I think it's important to evaluate how significant this relationship is in my life...if it's one I must deal with constantly or daily, then I have to make some decisions about whether I want some positive change...am I willing to give a little, make some changes to generate some positive movement in the relationship. If it's one of those relationships that is significant but doesn't affect me daily, then I would say that I'm learning to hold my tongue and save conflict for the really important issues.

 

Of course, if the other person in the relationship has no interest in moving forward, there is only so far it can go. But sometimes if one person is willing and makes positive changes despite the other one's unwillingness, good things can come about...I have seen surprising results come of this kind of commitment on the part of just one person.

 

All this to say...for me...humbling myself and admitting my faults in significant relationships are the absolute hardest thing. Lately I've really noticed this with myself and am trying to get to the bottom of why I've been so unwilling to budge on certain things. I'm realizing that pride and hurt go very deep, and I've got to learn how to release these things. For me, the key words are humility, forgiveness, and grace. (Work in progress...I am so not there yet!)

[Colleen]

I guess what I'm asking, Tammy, is how you handle discord when you can't just move on ~ or when moving on isn't ultimately in your own (or others') best interest. Let's say you had a difficult relationship with your mother, for example. (I have no idea, of course, what your relationship is with your mother, or whether she's living or whatever; just speaking hypothetically.) You love her. She loves you. Your children enjoy being with her; she enjoys being with them ~ and you enjoy seeing them together. But your own connection with her is challenging. You don't want to just quit her altogether, but the relationship never does get better, or easier. Where to go from there?

[Jill- OK]

I struggle. I want to talk through the discord ("Hug it out..."), come to some kind of understanding, and if that isn't possible...it wears on me. Especially if it's a relationship in which I have a serious responsibility. One I can't get away from.

 

I've sought counseling, I've tried seeking consolation/satisfaction in other areas of life. I'm still trying.

 

I will say that counseling has been helpful in the sense that sometimes, when you're directly involved in a bad dynamic, it's sometimes better to get a fresh perspective on things, through an objective third party. If you're a religious person, then someone who shares your faith is a good choice, but any qualified therapist worth his/her salt can work within your belief system. (I've never had a problem with someone trying to guide me against my faith, and I've made it clear that certain options aren't open to me because of that faith).

 

Talking with friends is helpful, but when solutions are needed, sometimes friends aren't able (willing?) to give strong suggestions. Counseling, in the form of books or professionals, can sometimes give a jog to a stagnant situation, especially when it's not possible to simply walk away.

 

JMO.

 

And...((hugs))

[Jill- OK]

...but very good advice. Great post. I may have to come back and read it over and over again, LOL!

 

In my more generous moments, I ask myself what about me/my personality/my hangups, etc. are contributing to this discord (of course I have long since "figured out" how the other person is contributing! :tongue_smilie:). And then I think it's important to evaluate how significant this relationship is in my life...if it's one I must deal with constantly or daily, then I have to make some decisions about whether I want some positive change...am I willing to give a little, make some changes to generate some positive movement in the relationship. If it's one of those relationships that is significant but doesn't affect me daily, then I would say that I'm learning to hold my tongue and save conflict for the really important issues.

 

Of course, if the other person in the relationship has no interest in moving forward, there is only so far it can go. But sometimes if one person is willing and makes positive changes despite the other one's unwillingness, good things can come about...I have seen surprising results come of this kind of commitment on the part of just one person.

 

All this to say...for me...humbling myself and admitting my faults in significant relationships are the absolute hardest thing. Lately I've really noticed this with myself and am trying to get to the bottom of why I've been so unwilling to budge on certain things. I'm realizing that pride and hurt go very deep, and I've got to learn how to release these things. For me, the key words are humility, forgiveness, and grace. (Work in progress...I am so not there yet!)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am in a relationship with someone like that. This is what I do. I recognize that this person is also a child of God and is beloved by God just as much as I am. I recognize that this person (a fellow believer in the Lord Jesus Christ) is a brother/sister to me in Christ - no matter what our other earthly relationship might be. And I pray for them. I try to treat them in grace. I gripe to God about the times when they don't "get" me and I don't "get" them instead of griping to the other person (because that wouldn't help at all in this case). And slowly I'm starting to understand where this person is coming from more. I understand when they are making a decision from a point of weakness just as I understand that I often make a decision from points of weakness too. And that helps me to not judge them so much and that in turn helps them to not get defensive towards me. Don't know if any of this will apply, but it is what I do.

[Rosie_0801]

I try not to talk to them often and when I do, I try not to take offence. If I'm doing a good job of it, I can accept they are going to be like that and be only mildly annoyed, like I get annoyed if the weather is so inconvenient as to rain on my nearly dry washing. Treating it as an inconvenient law of nature that cannot be changed is less harmful than taking it as an attack on my person. These things are not usually as personal as they seem. Incombatability is not necessarily anyone's fault. We can work through these issues with some people, and not with others. Emotional intelligence is not something we can teach an unwilling adult.

 

Rosie

[Sweetpeach]

And let's say the discord has not/does not ease over time. How do you handle that? How do you maintain your own sense of sanity and good health while this discord is an ever-present force in your life? Do you shut down, to a degree? Seek counseling? Find fulfillment in other areas of your life? Throw yourself into your children/your work/physical fitness/whatever?

 

 

This is a Million $$$ Question and something I grapple with every day . . . I've learned to walk with a certain degree of "emotional detachment." I've always thought of detachment as something bad/wrong/less than approach to hard relationships, but I've realized that I can't stay engaged at the heart level with family/friends who operate out of the strongholds in their personality.

 

I believe we're called to relationship and reading How People Grow by Cloud and Townsend confirmed that in my mind. The super-tricky relationships that aren't improving (I'm talking mothers, husbands, closely entwined people who have deep, daily impact in our lives), I'm learning to understand what I need to wear in terms of responsibility for the situation and I leave enough space between me and that person for God to work. I don't have to be overly-responsible for making a tricky relationship work. I live with the fact that some relationships are hard. I choose not to let those same relationships make me crazy. Yes to counselling. Yes to finding other parts of your life which are fulfilling. Yes to doing you.

 

We can only do ourselves. In answer to your question, yes, I shut down to the other person's crazy but I don't disengage from myself. What does that look like . . . I don't try to analyze or process behaviour from someone who I know for sure is operating from an unhealthy foundation. I give the hurt to God and choose to believe that His Heart grieves much more deeply about this injustice than I could ever understand. Then I step back, emotionally or spiritually and give God all sorts of space to work. I'm still listening for God, however, and I'm ready to obey, close to the space if and when He tells me. It's when I close the space because I want to "fix it" that I get in trouble.

 

It's like being in a boxing ring with someone who punches you over and over again in the same tender spot . . . many people think you've only got two options - leave the ring or hit them back. I think there's a valuable third option . . . and it's the only way I've had any success with hard relationships. I step back. The other person keeps swinging, but I continue to step back and make space . . . I don't engage and I ask God to draw me closer to Himself for protection. I believe that God is God and I am not and His Love can keep me in the ring without getting hurt.

 

These are my early morning ramblings.

Love, Tricia

[TraceyS/FL]

Shut down.

 

Detach.

 

Realize you can't go on and move on finally.

 

I have a few relationships like this at the moment......

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

interest. Let's say you had a difficult relationship with your mother, for example. (I have no idea, of course, what your relationship is with your mother, or whether she's living or whatever; just speaking hypothetically.) You love her. She loves you. Your children enjoy being with her; she enjoys being with them ~ and you enjoy seeing them together. But your own connection with her is challenging. You don't want to just quit her altogether, but the relationship never does get better, or easier. Where to go from there?

 

THis is where I was for years and years. It got to the point that I realized I would never change my mother and she would never change me. So, I started trying tolerance. I practiced trying to ignore the little irritating things, and just listening without comment to the big irritating things. Then I noticed that when I started saying something she disagreed with, she would get silent too. So, we eventually both started avoiding those topics, because they weren't really necessary for our relationship. The funny thing is, last week I told dh, "in an odd sort of way, my mother is one of the best friends I have."

 

I know what changed me. It was when I came to the realization that I was judging her, and I finally understood that I was not better than she, just living in different reality. We don't try to change each other any more.

 

I know this is not what counselors would tell you to do, but it worked for me. I'm still glad I don't have to live in the same house with my mom.

 

I don't know what I would do if I had to live with the person or there were more serious difficulties.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Most people have at least one relationship in their life which is less-than-satisfactory. Maybe it's (relatively) small, e.g. a lack of understanding with a teacher or a pastor; perhaps it's as signficant as ongoing marital tension. It may be a lack of harmony with a parent, a child, a friend ~ whatever. Whomever. But let's say you have/had a genuinely difficult relationship with someone whose role in your life is significant. And let's say the discord has not/does not ease over time. How do you handle that? How do you maintain your own sense of sanity and good health while this discord is an ever-present force in your life? Do you shut down, to a degree? Seek counseling? Find fulfillment in other areas of your life? Throw yourself into your children/your work/physical fitness/whatever?

 

I know this is a vague question, but it's not my intention to be vague. The older I get, the more I realize many people are often moving along in life with this Bad Relationship Baggage. Simply getting rid of the relationship isn't always the best solution. And yet, moving past the baggage, getting to a better place, sometimes doesn't happen, either. So I'm thinking about how we react, how we handle it, how we thrive in the face of a supremely difficult personal relationship.

 

I compartmentalize.

[MamaT]

I have a relationship like this with my mil. It has gotten easier since we moved 500 miles away. I know now that I will only have to be around her for about 3 days two times a year. For that amount of time, I try to ignore/tolerate (I remind myself that I am doing this for my dh, not for her).

 

I will not leave my children to stay at her house, though. I do not want them to have to tolerate/ignore because they are just children and shouldn't have to. She makes comments that are racist (my dh says she doesn't know she's being racist) and my girls are African-American. I try to understand her background that led her to be this way, but then I circle around to the fact there is no excuse for her not to have learned better NOW.

 

I am still working on forgiveness for really bad things she has done in the past. I do better some days than others. Hurt me and I'll get over it - hurt my children and it's another story.

[TraceyS/FL]

I have a relationship like this with my mil. It has gotten easier since we moved 500 miles away. I know now that I will only have to be around her for about 3 days two times a year. For that amount of time, I try to ignore/tolerate (I remind myself that I am doing this for my dh, not for her).

 

I will not leave my children to stay at her house, though. I do not want them to have to tolerate/ignore because they are just children and shouldn't have to. She makes comments that are racist (my dh says she doesn't know she's being racist) and my girls are African-American. I try to understand her background that led her to be this way, but then I circle around to the fact there is no excuse for her not to have learned better NOW.

 

I am still working on forgiveness for really bad things she has done in the past. I do better some days than others. Hurt me and I'll get over it - hurt my children and it's another story.

 

I moved 3000 miles away - only, the past 2 years she has spent 5 months living in my front yard in her RV. Not so fun.

 

But i can relate to everything you posted.... mine does it all too.

 

However, she's crossed the line in a few areas and i'm pretty much done with her.

[Jenny in Florida]

I guess what I'm asking, Tammy, is how you handle discord when you can't just move on ~ or when moving on isn't ultimately in your own (or others') best interest. Let's say you had a difficult relationship with your mother, for example. (I have no idea, of course, what your relationship is with your mother, or whether she's living or whatever; just speaking hypothetically.) You love her. She loves you. Your children enjoy being with her; she enjoys being with them ~ and you enjoy seeing them together. But your own connection with her is challenging. You don't want to just quit her altogether, but the relationship never does get better, or easier. Where to go from there?

 

This is a tough one, but in general, I ask myself the same question about relationships: Is this a person I want in my life, even if our relationship is always exactly like it is now?

 

If so, then I try and get my mind around the fact that this is who this person is. Period. And it's not my job to change him/her. So, if I can accept what the relationship is--without spinning my wheels stressing about what it isn't--I can enjoy the person's company and not let it get to me.

 

If not, then it's probably time to move on.

 

And, for what it's worth, I've "moved on" from close familiar relationships, as painful as it was at the time, because it was the only way I could function. It was awful for a while, but one of the best decisions I ever made. I could not have been the person I am now if I had remained in those relationships.

[kalanamak]

I compartmentalize.

:iagree:

How I do it, is I am simply simplier around them. Breathe, eat, sleep, become laconic. Not angry, repressed, vengeful, but truly bland.

 

There is something in psychiatry called "expressed emotion". Not emotion alone, but expressed. I first came upon it in learning about the factors that allowed serious schizophrenics to continue to live with their families vs. those who could not. Families that were bland, underreacted to things ("Please don't come downstairs nude while we have company" rather than "Ohmygod, how can you do this!") and didn't even PRAISE the person much, as *any communication loaded with emotive content* worses the serious schizophrenic. IME, it also is hard on people with anxiety issues, and there are MANY, many people out there with anxiety issues.

I reached a plateau with my MIL, who used to call me the white wh*re and accused me of giving her son the French Disease when all he'd gotten was chickenpox, accused me of having a pack of children hidden in the woodpile I was going spring on exhubby once we were married etc, etc, ETC, actively proposed the ex divorce me and marry a woman they'd found who was also divorced and would "accept" a divorced man. We could talk about cooking. That was IT. We talked a lot about cooking, specifically, she taught me. If our contact with this person is limited, can you find something that flatters them: like a skill they have you could be the ernest-learner of.

If your contact is not extremely limited, consider removing anything controversial from your interactions with them. My mother used to say "rise above it". With any luck at all, the other party will embrace your new approach and reciprocate. There are, however, people who thrive on conflict and will up the ante once things are quiet. I have no answer for those people besides meds/professional help or removing my person.

 

Also, if you get any of your "emotional" needs from this person, get them elsewhere. The inablility for this to happen, whether through lack of ability to give from the other side, or lack of ability to be happy with what you get on your side, is the source of much conflict, IMO.

NB: I don't say "you" in a personal sense.

HTH

[Jenn in Mo]

I guess what I'm asking, Tammy, is how you handle discord when you can't just move on ~ or when moving on isn't ultimately in your own (or others') best interest. Let's say you had a difficult relationship with your mother, for example. (I have no idea, of course, what your relationship is with your mother, or whether she's living or whatever; just speaking hypothetically.) You love her. She loves you. Your children enjoy being with her; she enjoys being with them ~ and you enjoy seeing them together. But your own connection with her is challenging. You don't want to just quit her altogether, but the relationship never does get better, or easier. Where to go from there?

 

Prayer. When it is a permanent relationship and things have to give, but they just won't.....God is the only one who can change hearts and minds. I pray for that person and, even harder, I pray that I will be changed...that I will be able to react in a helpful manner rather than a manner that will contribute to the discord.

 

While valuing the relationship my kids have with my "mother", I would be careful to keep in mind that while they learn good things from "mom" they also learn by observing how "mom" treats me and how I react. It's a hard balance, teaching them to respect others while not teaching them to "take it" from others.

 

But prayer has shown itself incredibly powerful. I've seen things change so dramatically, I never could have imagined it being possible. But, a warning: those changes didn't come about until I did a lot of growing. The growing seemed completely unfair (why should I change when it's obviously their fault??? kind of changes) but I grew in patience, perseverance, and contentment. I learned to truly appreciate the other person and to build them up when they tore me down. And THAT's when God stepped in and made some changes in my situation.....after I had become content in my situation and was no longer desperate for it to change. Two gifts in one.

[TXMomof4]

I've had to come to the conclusion in this type of relationship that it isn't entirely my responsibility. It's my grandmother in this situation - I would make extra effort to visit, phone calls, emails, pictures of the kids, all in an effort to make that relationship into something it wasn't. About a year ago I had an eye-popping experience with her and my aunt that showed clearly that while this relationship was terribly important to me - it wasn't to her. That is very hard to accept, but it is a reality. I can't change that no matter how far out of my way I go. I had to make the decision that I will not reject her overtures because I know how painful that is, I will not make the overtures either. Now, we do see each other occasionally, but my kids are never going to really know her. It makes me sad, but I can't change it either. And truly, it is her loss.

[Hannah]

If so, then I try and get my mind around the fact that this is who this person is. Period. And it's not my job to change him/her. So, if I can accept what the relationship is--without spinning my wheels stressing about what it isn't--I can enjoy the person's company and not let it get to me.

 

I agree that this is the crux of the matter. If one chooses to have an ongoing relationship with the person, then one has to make an effort to focus on the person's good points and to understand their temperament - and if there's enough reason to stay, then the person does have good points. Learn to be grateful for and focus on those.

 

It is necessary to acknowledge and mourn what you can't have - the unfulfilled dreams and unmet expectations, but one also needs to move on. There's no point in dwelling for years on what can't be. It may be necessary to work through this loss with a sympathetic counselor as others have suggested. A good counselor is always on your side, but is also willing to lead you to fresh perspectives on your situation.

 

If the other person acknowledges that there is a discord in the relationship and is willing try new things from his/her side, it is helpful to focus on what you want them to start doing, rather than what you'd like to stop. Spell out your love language to the person.... "If you do xyz, I will feel cherished". If necessary, spell it out in baby steps. They may not even realize that a little thing can go a long way. The other person may want you to do things too that will acknowledge their needs. Start new habits and rituals. It will probably feel awkward and forced at first, but at least you know that you are trying.

 

Also try to recognize what the other's love language is. They may be expressing their love and concern in ways that you don't recognize, because it isn't yours. I know someone who shows he cares by by being a "fixer". Both physically, which is usually highly appreciated and with advise of which the unsolicited kind did not always go down well. I think the correct jargon is "acts of service". He and his partner finally came to an agreement that she'd give him the heads up with "I'm just telling you.." and he would share his concerns by starting with "I'm concerned about..", rather than stating things as tactless facts. It worked! As did the humour with which they approached this.

Edited March 21, 2009 by Hannah
Spelling!

[Robin Hood]

Interesting thing about prayer. I'm just figuring this out. Pray about everything. For some reason, praying about everything, without focusing on the one thing or person, seems to effect the pray-er more than anything else. The pray-er seems to transcend conflicts, difficulties, hardships, etc with incredible peace of mind before she realizes it. Transcending gives a new perspective. It puts the pray-er in a different place, to be able to see a problem from a different perspective. It doesn't always change things but it does the pray-er's attitude.

 

I don't come here much anymore, but times past, it seems like you know the answers to your own questions. You seemed like a praying person and I trust you still are. Maybe a broader spectrum is needed. But ultimately, I think you know the answer. Trust yourself in this.

[Alice]

I guess what I'm asking, Tammy, is how you handle discord when you can't just move on ~ or when moving on isn't ultimately in your own (or others') best interest. Let's say you had a difficult relationship with your mother, for example. (I have no idea, of course, what your relationship is with your mother, or whether she's living or whatever; just speaking hypothetically.) You love her. She loves you. Your children enjoy being with her; she enjoys being with them ~ and you enjoy seeing them together. But your own connection with her is challenging. You don't want to just quit her altogether, but the relationship never does get better, or easier. Where to go from there?

 

This is me and my mother. It's actually been much easier since having kids. She is a wonderful grandmother and I can appreciate that. So, I relate more to her as the kids' grandma than as a mother. Our shared conversation/activities revolve around the boys.

 

I have had to accept that I cannot change her. I'm an only child and part of the issue is that she is very needy emotionally. I have had to accept for myself that there is only so much I can give her. I am not responsible for her happiness or for her depression. For me, this has released a lot of guilt on my part. I get sad when I talk to her a lot of the time but I just move on.

 

There are some areas where I have had to be firm with her about unacceptable conversations. For example, she firmly believed we should have only had 2 children (or only 1). She brought this up several times under the guise of "I'm just worried you'll get tired." I finally said "This is not something we should discuss. We disagree. I have heard your opinion and I respect it. But you need to know that we will likely have more kids and you need to stop bringing it up." Most of the time, that works.

 

In all honesty though, it's more difficult than I might be making it sound. There are still a lot of times that we clash and there is discord. Mostly it's just accepting that she is my mother and I can't do anything about it. And then dealing with the mother I have instead of the one I would like to have.

[secular_mom]

In a close and constant(permanent) relationship, I have found that providing ways to have my needs met in various ways has tremendously helped me accept my relationship the way that it is. Some things just aren't going to change. Some people aren't going to change, but *I* can change the way I respond to this fact. When I focus on how horrible I feel that certain needs aren't met, then I am a miserable person. When I accept that this IS the way things are, and seek other means to satisfy myself (outside activities, meet with friends, hobbies, learn something knew, etc.) then I am not so miserable. But, at times, this can exacerbate the situation- where we are going in two different directions and don't seem to be able to connect at all. It's hard at times, to find the balance. Sometimes I have to 'force' a person to meet my needs by being frank- "I am going crazy with our lack of clear communication/interaction/etc. and I need to talk about this." Talking hardly ever makes a change in how things are done, but I get to communicate my frustration and I feel better, and not like I'm just bottling everything up. KWIM?

 

In other relationships that I am not having to deal with on a constant basis, I try to bite my tongue and limit my exposure. :)