Do you ever wonder if you'd be a better mom if you weren't also teacher?

[Cindy in C-ville]

We've been h's'ing for 10 years now and sometimes I just wish I could be "Mom" and come alongside them in their schoolwork rather than having to make sure that it happens. Anyone else?

[Stacey in MA]

I have always felt this way. I feel like I have to crack the whip with them, push them along, to get through their day's work. I have to be stern about it, often. They get flustered dealing with mommy the disciplinarian teacher, and don't really want to deal with me as mommy the mommy later in the day!

 

But as I have thought this through, there isn't much of an alternative. Everything is a trade off. And the options we have other than homeschooling aren't acceptable to me. So I simply won't get to be "mommy the mommy" very often....

 

FWIW, I DO find those moments with each child, the connecting and feeling close without school being the connector, during moments when I take only ONE of them with me on an outing or errand. It's important to me to plug those into my schedule to reconnect with each kiddo.

 

GL! No real answers here, but YES, I feel that way often....

[AnnetteB]

Well, since I am their mom, I am their very first teacher whether they go on to private or public schooling or continue at home. I would teach them speech, colors, numbers, names, manners, Bible stories, my values, and share whatever wisdom the moment called for. We did have the oldest dd in school for a couple of trials and I really disliked the curriculum, homework demands, and world views being taught. Teaching the children at home and balancing motherhood is interesting. When a dc says they "hate" a book or they are struggling with a method we can simply toss it aside and choose something better for them. The "mom" in me can do what a ps teacher could not. I can give them a hug, a pat, a kiss, and a day off! If the teacher side is dominating the relationship, maybe an adjustment is needed? I hope this comes across right...we do work hard, but we try to be relaxed about it.

[Punkinelly]

Well, since I am their mom, I am their very first teacher whether they go on to private or public schooling or continue at home. I would teach them speech, colors, numbers, names, manners, Bible stories, my values, and share whatever wisdom the moment called for. We did have the oldest dd in school for a couple of trials and I really disliked the curriculum, homework demands, and world views being taught. Teaching the children at home and balancing motherhood is interesting. When a dc says they "hate" a book or they are struggling with a method we can simply toss it aside and choose something better for them. The "mom" in me can do what a ps teacher could not. I can give them a hug, a pat, a kiss, and a day off! If the teacher side is dominating the relationship, maybe an adjustment is needed? I hope this comes across right...we do work hard, but we try to be relaxed about it.

 

This is exactly what I would have written if Annette hadn't first. :o)

[lionfamily1999]

Nope, It is too easy for me to get distracted with all of my own stuff and chores or whatever. Being a homeschooler makes me a better mom. I can sit and play puzzles with a preschooler when I am in "teacher mode". It keeps me engaged with my kids. I do see some of the disadvantages but over-all I am a better mom when I am a teacher. Besides, it is pretty natural for me so I think I would do it even if they were in school.

I've found that being able to say, this is our time, we need to work on this, has brought us a lot closer. I don't have to set aside a special day just for ds and me, every school day has a few hours carved out that are (except for younger ds's interruptions) ours to share.

[Cindy in C-ville]

We've always believed that even parents with kids in public school or private school should be "home" schooling - i.e., every parent needs to direct their child's education. So that's not the issue. With six kiddoes (three of them teenagers, although one has transitioned to high school)), I just struggle to give them academically what we are convinced they need and still have time for scrapbooking with them, reading with them, cooking with them, etc.

 

In my heart I believe that they're better off being with me, even if I can't provide as rigorous of an education as we'd like, than they would be if they were at school. But, sometimes I wonder ...

 

Quiver? Other moms of many? Moms of teens? During the elementary years, I was so convinced that what we are doing is right. I've always had the goal to keep them home through middle school and then evaluate. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and weary ...

[elegantlion]

I think I'd be a worse parent. My ds was in private school for prek and K. You'd ask what he did for school and I'd get "I don't know, I can't remember" :glare: This was on the car ride home. Frustrating.

 

I understand so much more about him because I am his teacher. That has made me a better parent.

[Osmosis Mom]

I have always felt this way. I feel like I have to crack the whip with them, push them along, to get through their day's work. I have to be stern about it, often. They get flustered dealing with mommy the disciplinarian teacher, and don't really want to deal with me as mommy the mommy later in the day!

 

But as I have thought this through, there isn't much of an alternative. Everything is a trade off. And the options we have other than homeschooling aren't acceptable to me. So I simply won't get to be "mommy the mommy" very often....

 

FWIW, I DO find those moments with each child, the connecting and feeling close without school being the connector, during moments when I take only ONE of them with me on an outing or errand. It's important to me to plug those into my schedule to reconnect with each kiddo.

 

GL! No real answers here, but YES, I feel that way often....

 

I totally agree with Stacey here. However, as my oldest now is in college then she absolutely loves me for my sacrifices and truly appreciates all I have done/am doing for her, *for her* as a person, not just because she is my off-spring.

 

With my boys, it might get trickier getting their appreciation. But perhaps in 20 years' time??

[WTMindy]

Nope, It is too easy for me to get distracted with all of my own stuff and chores or whatever. Being a homeschooler makes me a better mom. I can sit and play puzzles with a preschooler when I am in "teacher mode". It keeps me engaged with my kids. I do see some of the disadvantages but over-all I am a better mom when I am a teacher. Besides, it is pretty natural for me so I think I would do it even if they were in school.

 

I agree with this statement.

[Cedarmom]

When my son was younger, never. It gave us so much time together, I loved homeschooling. Now that he's a teenager, some days I feel like that. I feel like all I'm doing is nagging him to get going. But other days we have awesome discussions and I am so glad that we have had this time.

[Mommy22alyns]

Nope, It is too easy for me to get distracted with all of my own stuff and chores or whatever. Being a homeschooler makes me a better mom. I can sit and play puzzles with a preschooler when I am in "teacher mode". It keeps me engaged with my kids. I do see some of the disadvantages but over-all I am a better mom when I am a teacher.

 

 

:iagree: I fear that if I wasn't also Becca's teacher (Sylvia's too, for that matter) I'd tend to send her to school and "shut off." I fear that I'd become lazy. So I agree... homeschooling makes me a better mom. It makes me rise to the occasion and do things I might not ordinarily do (crafty activities!).

[chickenpatty]

I have always felt this way. I feel like I have to crack the whip with them, push them along, to get through their day's work. I have to be stern about it, often. They get flustered dealing with mommy the disciplinarian teacher, and don't really want to deal with me as mommy the mommy later in the day!

 

But as I have thought this through, there isn't much of an alternative. Everything is a trade off. And the options we have other than homeschooling aren't acceptable to me. So I simply won't get to be "mommy the mommy" very often....

 

FWIW, I DO find those moments with each child, the connecting and feeling close without school being the connector, during moments when I take only ONE of them with me on an outing or errand. It's important to me to plug those into my schedule to reconnect with each kiddo.

 

GL! No real answers here, but YES, I feel that way often....

 

I feel this way a lot, too. Ideally, I'd like to be at home baking treats for them when they get home from school, packing special notes in their lunches, etc... I've been feeling this way a lot lately, but I think it's because I've been with them 24/7 for so long. I need a night away or a trip to the store by myself every now & then!

[AnnetteB]

We've always believed that even parents with kids in public school or private school should be "home" schooling - i.e., every parent needs to direct their child's education. So that's not the issue. With six kiddoes (three of them teenagers, although one has transitioned to high school)), I just struggle to give them academically what we are convinced they need and still have time for scrapbooking with them, reading with them, cooking with them, etc.

 

In my heart I believe that they're better off being with me, even if I can't provide as rigorous of an education as we'd like, than they would be if they were at school. But, sometimes I wonder ...

 

Quiver? Other moms of many? Moms of teens? During the elementary years, I was so convinced that what we are doing is right. I've always had the goal to keep them home through middle school and then evaluate. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and weary ...

 

I'm not sure if it is a quiver yet, but we have nine dc. It has been exhausting/frustrating juggling morning sickness, colicky newborns, noisy toddlers, oral phonics instruction, Spanish, music, history, counting bears, geometry, wedding dress shopping trips, babysitting the grandbaby for two years (before I cried Uncle), health crisis, and LIFE. I'm inclined to think that every mother questions whether she is good enough or doing a good job from time to time. I think that my dc have received a strong course in Reality 101 :) The older kids haven't expressed any regrets in our home educating them.....dd, 26, ds, 25, ds, 22, ds, 20. I am still juggling dd, 14, ds, 13, dd, 10, dd, 8, and ds, 5. One thing that we do is put the books away between 2 and 3 each afternoon and set them free to play, cook, create freely, and there is no homework in the evenings unless they pick up a book to read. We only take short school breaks and work a lighter schedule in the summer.

[Rosy]

I have that thought sometimes...I love the *idea* of being happy to see them when they get home at 2:30, chatting with them about their days, making snacks, and having the day to do all the stuff I'm trying to do while I'm teaching them. But in reality, I know that my days would end up being filled with something other than cleaning/organizing/etc, and before long I'd be stressed and frustrated with the additional stress of not being the one directing their educations. So I know in my head that it's worth it, but I definitely have "grass is greener" moments.

 

Can you ease up on your schedule a bit? Plan a day off every month for fun stuff or even a half day every week? I know I tend to push my oldest too hard and have been trying lately to leave more room in our schedule for playtime. :)

[eternalknot]

I think I'd always wonder if I'd be a better mom, ... whether it's my mental battle regarding the decision to homeschool, or any other of the myriad of "what ifs" that sometimes rage internal. I think some of us are just hardwired to worry and wonder that way.

[MamaT]

I have wondered that many, many times when my two older boys were teenagers. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. I can say now, that I am so glad they were home with me. The teenage years are hard, but I now have a wonderful relationship with both of my grown sons, and they are very appreciative of the education they received and my time with them.

 

I have another teenager now, and he is also angsty (sp?). I am pretty sure now that I am doing the right thing for him, and just have to wait until he's older for him to appreciate it!

 

BTW if your children were in school, they would probably come home tired and you would have to crack the whip to get them to do their homework! The grass is always greener . . .

[musicianmom]

No, because if my girls went to school, I wouldn't see them between 8 and 3. Then we'd have to fit in any extra-curricular activities and errands, rush home and try to fit in homework and dinner before bed. And I would spend nearly as much time nagging them to get their homework done as I would spend getting them to do their schoolwork as a hs mom.

[Rosie_0801]

Nope, It is too easy for me to get distracted with all of my own stuff and chores or whatever. Being a homeschooler makes me a better mom. I can sit and play puzzles with a preschooler when I am in "teacher mode". It keeps me engaged with my kids. I do see some of the disadvantages but over-all I am a better mom when I am a teacher. Besides, it is pretty natural for me so I think I would do it even if they were in school.

 

I'm dealing with a toddler and a baby at the moment and feel much like this. I think I'm going to start thinking about hanging out with Miss Tot as "official" school time and see if that helps. It seems like I spend most of my time wanting her to be elsewhere so I can cook, clean and feed the boy. I did try to play play dough with her a few times last week. Is this something they learn to find fun, or do I just have a practical kid. She sat there very patiently as though she understood this was important to me, but seemed to hold the attitude that if it's edible, you eat it, if it's not, why bother?

 

Hmm.

Rosie

 

Edit: Great. We started making muffins, but the boy needed a feed. I pulled out the playdough to keep Zia occupied while I did that, and what do you think she did? Stuffed a lump as big as her fist in her mouth, gagged and spat it everywhere. And I've just remembered I didn't add baking powder to the muffins. I think we flunk playdough and get a D in muffin making...

Edited March 10, 2009 by Rosie_0801

[Cindy in C-ville]

I appreciate both the encouragement and the grace. Stacey, I really identify with what you said. When it comes down to it, there's just not a good alternative. I believe we'll be so glad we've made the decisions we've made, but it's so hard sometimes, and I do get weary. I know I need to build more time for relationship into our schedule. We've been working so hard to get our home study and then dossier completed for this adoption and I think I'm still feeling this. We still have quite a bit of work to do for the adoption, but I'm hopeful that the really hard stuff is behind us. Tomorrow may just need to be a fun mommy day ...

[Cindyg]

Put me down for a no. I'm a teacher. It's how I parent best. If ds had to go to a school, I'd be much less of a parent.

[AuntPol]

I don't parent well when I have to rush and when both were in school, it was always a rush. It was a rush to get out the door, a rush to get home, do homework, eat, run to whatever extracurricular, and then get home and do baths and try to do a read aloud. I also tend to react according to my kids's moods and dealing with tired, hungry, kids who have not had any mental and very little physical stimulation all day was not a good fit.

 

Now, at home. I can be more pro-active. I can get up and have my coffee in peace without worrying about being late for school. I have time to focus efforts on their chores to ease up mine. I can cancel school for the day to focus on character training without worrying about how to write an excuse for the school that passes muster.

 

I can be more relaxed about tv and computer time and plan just plain fun things on weekends and vacations because I know they are getting a good education at home and I don't have to stress myself out trying to fit it all in via afterschooling.

[keptwoman]

For the most part I feel that I'm a better parent for also being their teacher. I'm much more clued in and connected with what they are learning than I was when they were in school and with J anyway I feel that I have to be less tough on him than in the days when it was homework we had to deal with. I engage and have meaningful conversation more often with them.

 

However there are days, usually the ones when I am either burnt out or exhausted or both when I definitely would like to just be Mum. I find when I start to feel like that, that I actually need a break more than anything else.

[Sweetpeach]

I appreciate both the encouragement and the grace. Stacey, I really identify with what you said. When it comes down to it, there's just not a good alternative. I believe we'll be so glad we've made the decisions we've made, but it's so hard sometimes, and I do get weary. I know I need to build more time for relationship into our schedule. We've been working so hard to get our home study and then dossier completed for this adoption and I think I'm still feeling this. We still have quite a bit of work to do for the adoption, but I'm hopeful that the really hard stuff is behind us. Tomorrow may just need to be a fun mommy day ...

 

I wondered if school + adoption work were fueling these feelings of overwhelmed and tired out. Dear friends of ours (who don't hs) just came through the adoption process and quite frankly, it knocked them on their butts. Lots of hard questions. Lots of why we do what we do. The stress of living in the tension of wanting a child but not sure IF or WHEN that would happen . . . you seem to be eternally optimistic and a real fighter for the life of grace and goodness that you believe in. I'm believing for some wide-open spaciousness for you and yours.

 

xo

T

[lionfamily1999]

For the most part I feel that I'm a better parent for also being their teacher. I'm much more clued in and connected with what they are learning than I was when they were in school and with J anyway I feel that I have to be less tough on him than in the days when it was homework we had to deal with. I engage and have meaningful conversation more often with them.

 

:iagree:

I don't parent well when I have to rush and when both were in school, it was always a rush.

 

Now, at home. I can be more pro-active.

:iagree:

This is my experience so far. We're closer for having done this. We do much more of the stuff that the parenting books say to do. We read together so much more.

 

I used to wonder if I would ever get around to reading 30m every day with my kids. Now, we get a few hours of reading in a day ;) We also read a higher quality of books and we get more from those books.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've gone from typical mom (join everything as a way to do things together, but in reality not spending as much time together, because I am in charge of a group of kids) to good mom (taking time out to be together, learning together, examining the world together).

[Cindy in C-ville]

Sweetpeach, you brought tears to my eyes. I believe you nailed it, and if you've been to the blog, you know it's been up-and-down, as most, if not all, adoptions are. The work for adoption is huge and we knew that, but knowing it and living it are two different things. Today my three little ones are playing at the creek and my emotional 13-year-old is sitting with me as I work in the kitchen, and my 14 year-old is at co-op. These two older girls need time with me - everyone does, but these two particularly. Wide open spaces - that's what my soul needs today and then I need to figure out how to get it regularly. Thank you, Sweetpeach!

[AuntieM]

I certainly think I'd be less stressed and make more efficient use of my time. I'd decorate for all the holidays, make special meals and just be more festive in general.

 

But as far as being a better, more *real* parent? No... Real parenting is what takes place in the deep trenches. Spending copious amounts of time with my children allows me to understand them so much better. It takes me to those valleys where I can really help them navigate the hard things in life.

 

In short, sometimes I dream of being a Carol Brady, but it's much more rewarding to be a Stick Horse.

 

PJ

Who believes that The Velveteen Rabbit is not a children's story at all, that it was written especially for moms.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Yes, I definitely believe that the benefit far outweighs the cost. I know my children better than anyone else possibly can. I can take the time to get to their hearts rather than just dealing with behavior. I believe this makes me a better mom, but I just get tired at times...

[AuntieM]

...but I just get tired at times...

 

In this you are certainly not alone :grouphug:

[gardening momma]

Haven't read all the responses yet, but I thought I'd answer first...

 

I think I'm a better mom since I'm their teacher also. I do more with them (spend more time with them). I'm more aware that things we do in everyday life have an educational value, and can work in or point out lessons we can learn as we go through the day.

[AuntieM]

I just took a real look at the ages of your kids. With that number of teens & tweens, my goodness, you are in hormone haven! No wonder you are tired! On top of that, they are all probably at the point where their studies are ramping up and not as much fun-time as they used to be.

 

What has helped here (with a 14 and two near 12) is making sure that the schedule allows for that talking time. Discussion time - real good discussion - recharges my batteries. As does laughter. Rent some silly movies together. Eat lots of popcorn. Try to get the fun squeezed back into the cracks between all the bookwork and turbulent emotions that characterize the move through puberty (and, in my own case, premenopause at the same time!!!).

 

And sometimes you just have to... take a nap!

 

Wishing a good day for you!

[gardening momma]

She sat there very patiently as though she understood this was important to me, but seemed to hold the attitude that if it's edible, you eat it, if it's not, why bother?... I pulled out the playdough to keep Zia occupied while I did that, and what do you think she did? Stuffed a lump as big as her fist in her mouth, gagged and spat it everywhere.

When mine do stuff like that, I take it away and figure they're still too young to do it independently (things like playdough, scissors, etc...). I keep it out of reach and only bring it out for the older one when the younger isn't around. I bring it back out to the younger one in a couple of months, after she's matured a bit beyond the everything-goes-in-my-mouth stage. Or in our case, scissors are out of bounds for the younger because she tries to cut her hand.

[Laurie4b]

When they were younger, I was a better mom because I was homeschooling. Since they've been in high school, I've been wondering if I'd be a better mom if they went elsewhere. They actually are doing that more and more with outside classes and that's a help.

Edited March 10, 2009 by Laurie4b

[Alicia64]

As somone who had her five year olds in school for five months, I can tell you: dealing with schools is EXHAUSTING!!!

 

In fact it was so draining that I became a much worse mom. I realized that if I home educated, I'd be a much kinder person, less stressed and I am.

 

Now, I should say that I had them in a parent participation school, but I'm beginning to think all schools are "all about them". They are King -- not you or your family.

 

Their needs, schedules, goals etc. matter. Period. And, to me at least, I started to feel like I was a kid again answering to a difficult parent.

 

Alicia

[Guest janainaz]

I don't see the two roles any differently. I just see myself as a mom who teaches everything about life - from ABC's to manners to relationships. It feels very natural and normal for me. There are days I can be a bit short-fused and frustrated. I don't know - my kids just see the good, the bad and the ugly and I truly believe we are very close because of it all.

[Happy]

There are days I wish I didn't have to be the bad guy...like today, when the research project was due but not complete. I had to be the hardnosed one. I would have loved being the mommy at home today to sympathized, make cookies to ease the stress of writing a paper that should have taken three weeks and ds is trying to do all in one day. Instead, I had to be the wall he went splat against. Sigh.

 

Still, my sons were in public school for a time. Whether you send them out or keep them at home, ultimately, the parents have to make sure the work is getting done and done well.

 

I much prefer knowing exactly what is being studied and what is required.

[Jean in Wisc]

Sometimes I'd like to be a stay-at-home mom who cleans and cooks and has something great laid out on the table when the kids get home from school.

 

But then I realize that I do not live within the pages of Understood Betsy.

 

Reality is that I do not have a nice little country school for my kids to attend. This is the best option available.

 

Life.

 

Jean

[TammyinTN]

I think I'm a better mom for spending so much time with them. I have more of a vested interest in the outcome because I've invested so much of myself.

 

I'm starting to get loads of feedback from my daughter who's 21 and working down in Kuwait. She said I did a good job at preparing her for life--this makes me feel good.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Yes, Auntie M, I'm swimming in a sea of hormones around here! I really LOVE the relational dynamics of older kiddoes and part of my difficulty is that I could spend hours discussing life with them, hanging out, and doing Bible studies, scrapbooking, running with them, etc. I'm a better "mom" to tweens and teens than I was to younger kiddoes, in some ways. But, I just don't have the time to do all these other things. With my oldest in "school" now, there are certainly challenges with balancing the schedule, and we all miss having her around. But, we have good time with each other and I'm so glad I'm not the one trying to be sure that she is getting chemistry, algebra II, etc. She's still very connected to the family and actually shared with a family that she stayed with when dh and I were out of town a couple of weeks ago that she missed her siblings. To and from school, we talk about life. Late at night, we talk about life. It's good.

 

Where I am now is that I am committed to fully homeschooling my younger four (plus Katya, hopefully) next year. My 14 yodd, we're not sure. She could continue to basically homeschool with classes at the community college, go to a private school (if financial aid came throught), or go to the public high school. For her, I think the comm. college/homeschooling path is the most likely one, but we'll see. My oldest may switch the public high school. Again, we're waiting to see what financial aid would look like. She's going to visit the public high school over Spring Break and see what she thinks. She's a leader with a missionary heart, so it could be a good fit for her.

 

All the other kiddoes will continue to be home. It's best for them, for our family, and ultimately for me. I really believe this. We may do a K12 Virtual Academy next year. We'll see.

 

As I've read the responses, it seems that most are women whose kiddoes are little. And, in that case I would fully agree that the lines between mommy and teacher are virtually nil - just like janainaz said. And, Happy, you're completely right. Regardless of your school choice, the parent's role is of primary importance. However, as they get older, you can't always "make" them do their work. IMHO, sometimes they make bad decisions, poor time management decisions, and they suffer the consequences - whether bad grades, not being able to do something fun b/c they didn't get the work done, whatever.

 

Then there are women who have BTDT and are SO glad they made the choices that they did. I appreciate your words that help me to see the long-term impact of our decisions. Sometimes you just wonder if it's worth it, if it makes a difference, etc. You help me to see that it really does and for some of you, your children are rising up and calling you blessed. What beauty!

 

For those who are right there with me in the trenches - mothers of many teens/tweens, you help me by relating battle stories, particularly stories of victory and understanding. Thank you!

 

It takes a village to raise a mother!

[Helen in OH]

I have 6 kiddos. Two and half years ago I put the oldest 3 in Public school. We live in a small community. There was not a lot of activities for homeschoolers. I was very overwelmed with trying to do social activities, teaching, music lessons and life lessons. Now the older ones are in school, I can give the little ones more of my attention. The older ones are learning to be responsible to someone else. Yes, it made me a better mom. I felt that the little ones needed more of my attention. I wish that I could provide everything that every child needs. In my case it simply isn't possible. Since the older kiddos are in school, i can help them prepare for the next stage in life. It isn't perfect. I just can't go in to many directions. I become overwelned and can't get anything done. The lesson prep for the older ones distracted me from providing my little ones with a good foundation.

 

HTH

[Cindy in C-ville]

That does help, Helen. I do think that every situation is somewhat different. Certainly the best interest of the child(ren) have to be taken into account, but there is so much more: the burn-out factor for mom, the dynamics of the family as a whole, outside factors that are creating stress or adding support. It sounds like you have made great decisions for your family!