How do you deal with a child who is easily frustrated?

[prim*rose]

I'm not sure if this belongs in this forum or the general, so my apologies if I picked the wrong one. We have an only child, 7.5 yrs old, in 2nd grade & we've been hs'ing from the beginning. Sometimes, while I am teaching her she will get frustrated if she doesn't "get" what I'm teaching, and instead of telling me she's frustrated, it builds up inside her and she starts crying. There aren't any outward warning signs that this is happening; she holds it all in and then it just comes bursting out. I don't really think it's the curriculum, as she has plenty of great days understanding everything. It's just if there's one concept she doesn't get, she gets so frustrated and it just builds and builds.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. We've talked with her about letting me know when she doesn't understand something, and taking break and walking around the house for a bit, but that hasn't seemed to work.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, please?

 

Thank you,

Amy

[SonshineLearner]

Have you discerned what is at the heart of the issue? It would be good to know WHY she's crying. I know you said she's frustrated, and that could be. It also could be impatience, pride, etc... To deal with the topical outlet...you might need to deal with what's underneath.

Also, she's still a baby. I thought my children were so grown up when they were in 2nd and now when I look back, I just realize that they were babies.

Have you walked her through understanding how to deal with this? You know...saying something like, "When you start to not understand what I'm saying, just raise your hand...or say to 'please stop' "

She has years to learn the material, but the habit of being frustrated is probably more important than the concept of math etc...

Carrie:-)

[dcjlkplus3]

This happens with my almost 7.5yo dd also.

Especially with math.

The only we have been dealing with it is that if she gets that frustrated we take a break from what we are doing and I have her go up to her room and read something that she needs to for school (she usually has 3-4 things on her reading list - including her choice). She comes down when she has control and we pick up where we left off. Stuff still gets marked off her school list and time isn't just being wasted that way. It helps that she is reader.

I hope you get lots of advice. I know I'll being watching this thread.:bigear:

[prim*rose]

Have you discerned what is at the heart of the issue? It would be good to know WHY she's crying. I know you said she's frustrated, and that could be. It also could be impatience, pride, etc... To deal with the topical outlet...you might need to deal with what's underneath.

Also, she's still a baby. I thought my children were so grown up when they were in 2nd and now when I look back, I just realize that they were babies.

Have you walked her through understanding how to deal with this? You know...saying something like, "When you start to not understand what I'm saying, just raise your hand...or say to 'please stop' "

She has years to learn the material, but the habit of being frustrated is probably more important than the concept of math etc...

Carrie:-)

 

She just says that she's "frustrated"; I don't think there's anything else really there. Both my dh & I have said over and over to let me know when she's starting to get frustrated so we can stop and she can walk around or go do something else for bit, but it just doesn't seem to sink in. I'm really happy to let her go do her thing for a bit, but she has to be able to tell me that she needs that and it's just not happening now. Thanks for the feedback!

Edited January 30, 2009 by prim*rose

[prim*rose]

This happens with my almost 7.5yo dd also.

Especially with math.

The only we have been dealing with it is that if she gets that frustrated we take a break from what we are doing and I have her go up to her room and read something that she needs to for school (she usually has 3-4 things on her reading list - including her choice). She comes down when she has control and we pick up where we left off. Stuff still gets marked off her school list and time isn't just being wasted that way. It helps that she is reader.

I hope you get lots of advice. I know I'll being watching this thread.:bigear:

 

 

THANK YOU. It is so nice to know I'm not alone. Does she communicate with you that she's at the frustration point?

[dcjlkplus3]

THANK YOU. It is so nice to know I'm not alone. Does she communicate with you that she's at the frustration point?

 

 

She usually communicates this by breaking into tears.

I don't think they realize it until then.

I try to point out signs if I see them, but often the tears ARE the first sign.

[MIch elle]

rest in bed or have a snack.

 

My oldest use to bang his head against the wall (usually over math). It was SCARY! He was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He called it "brain freeze." There was no talking it out or trying to anticipate it - he would just get to a point that it was too late. Resting in bed or having a snack was the best option for him. If he continued banging his head in bed then I would sit with him, hung him, and softly talk to him until he felt better. He's 14 almost 15 yo now and he still has rare occasions of frustration fits, but he doesn't bang his head!

[iammommy]

How about giving her a little index card that says "STOP", "WAIT" or some such thing to keep by her side. As soon as she begins to feel the frustration, she can hold up the card, so you know she's feeling frustrated, and can stop the lesson at that point. It might be hard for her to verbally say what's gong on and the card might help with that. Just a thought. Nan

[JulieD]

I know nothing technical about child development or psychology, but I got frustrated and cried easily at this age, too. My son started having frustration problems as well around the time he turned eight. I honestly think it has to do with realizing that growing up is scary and maybe feeling that you might not be able to handle it. Then some little frustration comes along and triggers the crying. This is similar to not crying when you are dealing with the loss of a loved one until you can't find your keys. You're not really crying over the keys, and they're not crying over their schoolwork. The little extra bit of frustration just puts them over the edge.

 

There aren't any outward warning signs that this is happening; she holds it all in and then it just comes bursting out.

What you said reminded me of myself at this age, but the problem was that I couldn't hold in any frustration with schoolwork at all, because I was too busy working through growing up.

 

Julie D.

[kbpaulie]

Amy-

 

I posted a very similiar question not to long ago. The support was so helpful. Here are the great answers I got...

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=75307

 

Karena

[MerryAtHope]

I talked with my kids (at a time they weren't frustrated) about having a "self-control tool-box." What could they do when they were getting frustrated? I talked about things that help me when I'm frustrated. Getting a drink of water, getting some exercise, walking around, taking a break, counting to 10, asking for help, doing something else, lying down for a bit, etc... I also took stock of how I act when, oh let's say I can't find my keys & I'm frustrated. Do I model how to act when frustrated? I saw room for improvement, LOL!

 

Sometimes this can be a sign of giftedness in kids, or a learning disability or a combination of the two. I'd keep my eyes open & do some general checking around over the next year or so. Things like vision tracking come to mind, or dyslexia, but there's lots of possibilities. This site has a good symptom list for dyslexia. You might see if anything there sounds familiar.

 

Hang in there! Merry :-)

[Haiku]

She usually communicates this by breaking into tears.

I don't think they realize it until then.

I try to point out signs if I see them, but often the tears ARE the first sign.

 

I agree with this. I think it's a bit much to ask a seven year old to verbally communicate frustration. It can be very hard to know that you don't "get" something until you suddenly realize that you are completely lost.

 

I took a class at university that I didn't understand very well. A few times I cried in that class when I suddenly realized I had no idea what was going on. My very nice professor took me aside and told me that he would be happy to help me if I told him what I didn't understand. But the problem was that I didn't even know what I didn't understand! The whole thing was just over my head.

 

I can see that in my son, too. He doesn't actually burst into tears, but he does get extremely frustrated very quickly, and when I ask what he's not understanding, he wails, "I don't know!!!"

 

My best suggestion is that, when your daughter bursts into tears, say pleasantly, "Well, let's get a drink of water and move on to something else!" and give her a big hug. The first few times I did that my son cried because he didn't want to "give up," but now he realizes that things will probably go better tomorrow.

 

Tara

[prim*rose]

Thank you so much for all your feedback & ideas, as well as the link to the earlier thread. I really appreciate the support and just knowing that I'm not alone. *I* started getting frustrated with the situation and feeling like a bad mom & teacher, and that's why I came here. Thanks so much!

[Lovedtodeath]

What about it being a result of perfectionism?

[idnib]

We're in the same boat with all of it for DS6. He's a perfectionist and he also becomes frustrated really easily and the first sign is tears. He says he needs to take a break and "remove himself from the group." (He learned this technique in a social therapy setting.) He's not a reader yet, both in terms of skill and desire, so he plays with Lego while he calms down.

 

This often works but what's difficult for me is that after getting everything set up often the crying will start in the first minute of the work, before I even get a chance to explain everything in a way he might understand. And I do think it's the frustration and not the materials because he loves the materials when he's getting them.

 

No real advice, just commiseration. I have to remind myself he's really just very young.

 

:grouphug:

[ReidFamily]

You're not alone. My daughter is only 5 but she is super eager to learn everything! She's very bright but she is definitely a perfectionist. I can sometimes see frustration mounting in her body language (the look on her face, fidgeting, etc) and sometimes I just can feel it which is hard to explain. But most of the time it's tears. I have also tried helping her notice before she gets to that point but I think it's a far shot at this age.

 

I mean realistically, I don't even realize I'm frustrated until I'm acting like a 5 year old. :)

 

What has helped is validating her frustration. I make a point to express that learning new things can be frustrating, that I often experience frustration and that it is okay and acceptable to be frustrated. Sometimes I tell a funny story of how I acted when I was frustrated over something and it helps her feel better that even I, as her mom, lose my ability to control my emotions. I try never to tell her it isn't a big deal or try to manipulate her out of her frustration because I know that when I'm frustrated I don't appreciate someone telling me to "get over it" or "it's not that big of a deal", etc. Obviously, when we're calm, it is easier to look back and realize those things for ourselves but when in the midst of frustration it tends to only aggravate the situation.

[Lovedtodeath]

Well the only thing that seems to work for DD is threats and punishment. She was using "frustration" to get out of things too often.

[idnib]

OK, a nice story...

 

Today DS6 and I were working on counting by 5's, which is something he's struggled with a bit. While we were working he noticed we are nearing the end of the workbook and he said, "You can give me a trophy when I've finished all the books! That will be time for college!" (Who told him about college? :confused:)

 

A minute later he started crying and I decided to try some of the techniques in this thread. So I said, "You sound like you're frustrated." I gave him a big hug.

 

He looked at me with exasperation and said, "I'm not frustrated, I'm sad." I asked, "Why are you sad?" He said, "I'm sad because I just realized when I go to college we won't be homeschooling anymore!"

 

Awww. And here I thought the problem was counting by 5's. :001_smile:

[kalanamak]

I

 

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. We've talked with her about letting me know when she doesn't understand something, and taking break and walking around the house for a bit, but that hasn't seemed to work.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, please?

 

 

I get my boy back on track and we resume, slower, softer, but we resume. Since he has learned the world doesn't come to an end if he isn't perfect, perfect, perfect the very first time, now he only wells up a bit, and keeps on. After a bit of welling, he'll ask for a tissue, which I silently pass, and we keep going. We are down to once or twice a month, now, but I remember wailing and sobbing, esp. over imperfect art attempts (and math). We got the art part better by reading the book ISH, which a poster here told me about. It worked amazingly.

[kalanamak]

Well the only thing that seems to work for DD is threats and punishment. She was using "frustration" to get out of things too often.

 

Yes, we were having a bit of that, too, hence my firmly making sure work resumed.

[Amy in KS]

I think it's a difficult stage for girls. Hormones are starting to rise. They want to be so grown up and yet a little girl all in a single day. They so want to be independent and grown up one minute and yet they don't know how (which is frustrating).

 

My dd started going through this last year. I've tried a lot of techniques with my daughter. The only one that I've found that consistently works is to give her a hug/hold her when I see that she is about to cry and tell her that it'll be o.k. and I love her. I just hug her until she can talk about it.

 

Granted, it took months for me to stop trying to fix it and just be there for her. I felt completely dense when I figured that one out.

Edited October 18, 2010 by amy in ks

[texasmama]

I have a child like this. I watch him carefully for warning signs that he is becoming frustrated and take it more slowly or take a break. I also give him the standard talk pretty frequently which goes something like this: "This is a new concept. You won't understand it right away. That's okay."

 

He is a perfectionist, and I am slowly working on this with him by showing him my mistakes (which are frequent) and laughing at myself in a playful manner to show that it is not a terrible thing to make an error. This is our third year working on these issues, and things are getting better. Kids this age are so concrete.

 

I would wonder what she is thinking that is making her feel this way. Perhaps that she should understand everything right away? Get all the answers correct? What if she doesn't? Does she feel that means she is stupid? (These were thoughts that my son has and still does to some degree. Once I knew what he was thinking, it was easier to work on how to support him.

[Devotional Soul]

My ds is younger, but puppets and talking stuffed animals have worked wonders for us. It's like I'm not mom anymore and he feels all excited to have someone new to talk to and share his feelings with. Maybe a puppet or stuffed animal with her during school would help. After every problem, the friend could check in and make comments like "that is hard to understand" or "math is so confusing" or "that's so frustrating" or "how do you deal with all of this thinking", etc. Maybe that would give her a different way to express her feelings and realize them.

 

I'm also impressed with how well simple acknowledgment of feelings and freedom to express and release feelings in nonviolent ways works for my frustrated ds. Suppression only leads to future explosion. I've learned to not say things that disregard feelings like "you're not dumb" or "that's not hard" or "this isn't a big deal"...better to say "looks like you're having a hard time" or "those are hard feelings to have". Oh yeah, and I learned not to say "this is easy" because if they do well, it was easy anyway, and if it's hard, then they feel even worse. Same thing for "you did that perfectly", which may lead to fear of not being perfect later on.

 

The book Helping Young Children Flourish helped me understand the importance of letting feelings out in healthy ways. These are the tips from the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk when asking about dc's feelings and needs:

 

1. LISTEN quietly and attentively.

2. ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings with a word. ("Oh...I see...ummm)

3. NAME THE FEELING. ("That sounds frustrating" or "you're really upset", they'll correct you if you name the wrong feeling like in the example from idnib)

4. USE IMAGINATION to fulfill their wishes. ("I wish I could make it so we didn't have to learn this hard stuff.")

 

HTH!

Edited October 18, 2010 by Devotional Soul

[Joyofsixreboot]

My 9yo was very like your dd in 2nd grade. I've discovered 1) he's a perfectionist (in a family of perfectionists) , 2) he couldn't see (no wonder he missed those decimals) 3) age has helped tremendously. His ability both to express his frustration and deal with it has grown so much! She is little yet and needs you to help her gain those skills which I'm sure you are. I have a dear friend who points out when I come to her with these things that very few 25 yo's ~insert problem. Hugs to you.

[Ravin]

This often works but what's difficult for me is that after getting everything set up often the crying will start in the first minute of the work, before I even get a chance to explain everything in a way he might understand. And I do think it's the frustration and not the materials because he loves the materials when he's getting them.

 

No real advice, just commiseration. I have to remind myself he's really just very young.

 

:grouphug:

 

This sounds just like DD. Yesterday she was in tears over math for almost an hour before I could get her settled down enough to START the lesson.

 

I just sat there, telling her when she was calm and ready we'd do math, that if we didn't finish her math lesson by X time, she'd get no TV while I take my afternoon nap, and that was that. Once we got into it, she quickly grasped the concept I'd intended to teach her and didn't want the lesson to end!

 

Well the only thing that seems to work for DD is threats and punishment. She was using "frustration" to get out of things too often.

 

I find that stopping the world is about the only thing that will work with DD. When she gets frustrated at the beginning of something, I don't let quitting by switching subjects or playing be an option. And when she gets frustrated in the middle of something, a break is clearly in order and then I will let her play or have a snack and resume once she calms down.

[Farrar]

My boys are 6 and go through phases like this. It's very frustrating for me, because it'll happen at the end of doing math where I'm like, hey, awesome you got all these right, except look at this one again... and they'll just burst into tears. Or, they'll start to get upset and I'll say, hey, that's okay, we don't have to do it now, but they'll refuse to leave and insist that they have to do it - but they can't because they're in tears.

 

I used to try really hard to be sympathetic and sweet about it, but it didn't seem to be helping. I'm a sort of AP, gentle parenting style person... but lately, I've been more stern and they've been responding better to that. I've been more no-nonsense about it and it's cut the tears off and let them move on.

 

But I don't know that that's right... sigh.

[Snowfall]

My boys are 6 and go through phases like this. It's very frustrating for me, because it'll happen at the end of doing math where I'm like, hey, awesome you got all these right, except look at this one again... and they'll just burst into tears. Or, they'll start to get upset and I'll say, hey, that's okay, we don't have to do it now, but they'll refuse to leave and insist that they have to do it - but they can't because they're in tears.

 

I used to try really hard to be sympathetic and sweet about it, but it didn't seem to be helping. I'm a sort of AP, gentle parenting style person... but lately, I've been more stern and they've been responding better to that. I've been more no-nonsense about it and it's cut the tears off and let them move on.

 

But I don't know that that's right... sigh.

 

That bolded part is us exactly, and I'm also finding that being a little stern is helping...and I also don't know if that's really the right thing to do. It's just that I've tried the hugs and the breaks and the switching topics and validating feelings and everything under the sun, but it just prolongs the being upset to the point of throwing off our whole, entire day.

 

If I sit and commiserate with her about how she must be feeling very frustrated, she'll tell me about it for 30 minutes, then start freaking out all over again if I say, "Okay, let's put this away and try it again tomorrow." On the other hand, if I do all that (plus get her a snack or a drink of water or whatever) and then say, "I'm glad you're feeling better, now let's finish this up," in my happiest voice, she screams, "But I thought we were DONE!" and loses it again. If you really want to see a kid lose it, just tell my DD that she has to come finish up after she's been allowed to go regroup by playing. :blink: It is inevitably worse than the original meltdown, so unscheduled play breaks are disastrous.

 

I don't want to be stern when she's upset! However, it almost seems like she sometimes needs some external person to stop feeding that inner little girl who is completely out of control. If someone had said that to me once upon a time, I probably wouldn't have believed them, but it certainly seems that way w/my dd.

[lamamaloca]

I have dealt with this with both of my children and perfectionism is definitely a part of it. With my 6yo it, along with some other issues, have gotten so severe that we had him evaluated by a developmental psychologist. He was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety and we are working on some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques with him. We've just begun, but what we're working on right now involves practicing "talking back" to the negative thoughts. We've done some roleplaying of situations, and he's practiced saying things like, "it's not the end of the world," or "it's no big deal," or "it doesn't have to be perfect." Basically, we are practicing to help him recognize the negative thoughts and emotions he's experiencing, then take a deep breath to calm down, then talk back to those underlying thoughts. We are using a token system to reward him for this.

 

I think that stepping back and taking a break can help, but I also think that sternness has its place. I have said to both my boys, "There is no reason to be upset, now take a deep breath and do this. You CAN do this." and then simply not backed down. I think it is good to acknowledge the feeling and sympathize with it, but you don't want to get into a pattern where you reward the frustrated outbursts, you want to work on teaching the child ways to cope with their frustration and work through it.

[Goldilocks]

Like Texasmama said, a pep talk really helps. Something like, "This is going to be hard, so you won't get it the first time. It will take lots of practice."

[Farrar]

I don't want to be stern when she's upset! However, it almost seems like she sometimes needs some external person to stop feeding that inner little girl who is completely out of control. If someone had said that to me once upon a time, I probably wouldn't have believed them, but it certainly seems that way w/my dd.

 

Glad that's not just my kids! We'll go for a long while without it then suddenly have a week where it seems like everyone is on the verge of tears. And we do what I think is a pretty gentle program - we never school for more than 2 hours in a day (and usually less - and most of that isn't "seat" work).

 

I also am hesitant to be stern and tell them to cut out the crying. I feel really harsh. But I also know that when they were toddlers having tantrums, that if I gave them attention, it just fed the tantrum, and I feel like this is just some sort of school age extension of that. I'm trying to shift how I talk to them ahead of time as well - pay attention to myself and not be offhanded with minor criticisms.

 

As others have said, I also try to remind the kids that I don't expect them to learn anything without practicing it and getting it wrong many, many times first. Sometimes it just doesn't sink in though.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

Great advice given--I was going to pop in and say try shorter study periods with what frustrates her....

[MeganW]

In a similar post at some point in the past, a wise member gave some wonderful advice that has helped so much in my house. Let the kids know that they are NOT expected to get something the first time. It has worked wonders for us!

 

Before lessons that you expect to be challenging, tell them "now, it will probably take about 5 times when you try your best to get the hang of this". Then, when they get it in "only" 3 tries, they are so proud! Somehow knowing that they weren't expected to get it the first time made them willing to try a lot more, and a lot less likely to get frustrated.