JWSJ Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Do all mothers have a sense of maternal instinct? I thought they did, but my wife and MIL give a big "NO!" for an answer. What do y'all say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 no. lots of mothers struggle with such things. It is VERY hard for me to understand as I bond quickly and easily to children, getting that mama bear instinct for any child I have care of, even temporarily. I quit doing childcare because I had so much trouble with how parents do with their kids! It's one thing to know that it's their child. It's another to feel as if they are mine too. Anyway, I think some people are just more motherly than others :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well, my opinion is that no, women do not have natural mothering instincts. I think I would have to pick "nurture" in this instance. (Nature vs. Nurture) I say this because My Mom left me when I was 6 mo. old. I did not grow up with a Mom or a "Mother figure" I grew up in a very difficult situation. When I first had children, my first instincts were not very motherly. I had to Learn so much of it. Yes, I had love for them, that was natural. But motherly instincts? Not so much. That has only been developed through the grace of God and many, many, many parenting books and some wonderful women God has placed before me. Also, take women that have babies and neglect them, or hurt them, or even worse, kill them. If you are not raised in a kind, loving, nurturing home..it makes it very difficult to BE that way. After being hurt or neglected for so long, your heart hardens and it is so hard to give love or accept it. It also takes a lot of work and time to open your heart back up. So, long story short..I really do believe it is situational, not instinctual. HTH.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Definitely not. I've known women whose idea of being a mom is to give birth and hand the baby to a nanny or daycare. When they actually have to care for the child they are miserable and clueless. No mommy instinct there. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I know 2 women who have abandoned their children, so I would definitely so no. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 So, long story short..I really do believe it is situational, not instinctual. I do think we have a natural biological urge to cuddle something to our chest...a mate or a child or a kitty. Not so much an instinct, but a "boy that feels right" wiring to our nerves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 They said it all. It's a sad thing for a woman to have a baby but have no mothering instincts to nurture and cuddle that you would think would come naturally. I beleive it could be learned if there is a willingness. I've seen the baby shows where the nurses have to persuade young mothers to hold their newborns, now that just makes me want to cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well, I was born a nurturer. All I want to do is mother a baby - hold and rock, nurse, change, get up in the middle of the night, carry him/ her everywhere - it's all good to me! It is the only thing that really makes me feel satisfied and complete. I LOVE IT! You know the term Post-partum depression? Well, I get post-partum "elation". I actually get ridiculously happy for about 2 years after having a baby. My husband really liked that! Most of my friends think I'm crazy that I still want another at age 45 1/2. That won't happen - DH had a vasectomy. So I'm already thinking about my grandchildren! Can't wait! Of course I would need one of my children to get married......first. None are even close and 2 are only ages 17 and 7. So I guess I will have to wait awhile :( Even now, my life revolves around my kids and that's just fine with me. They are everything to me. Here's the kicker....my sister can't stand kids. No "mothering instict" there. Even when we were kids, she hated to baby-sit and would just give me all her jobs. She had 3 kids of her own and bawled her head off when she found out she was pregnant with the last one. She was never very nurturing and didn't enjoy it at all. Now she is just counting the days till her kids are out of the house so she can get on with her life. Actually, she already has - pretty much ignores them. So, is it nature or nurture? I have no idea. My sister and I have the same mom (and dad) so that's same genetics and same nurturing growing up. Weird. :glare: ( have to say - my mom is like me - super nurterer ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 No. I have one friend who left her husband and her kids without a second thought. Even while she did have them, her oldest dd did more with them as a mother than a sister. I have another friend that was out walking with her son. A large dog ran at them and her natural instinct was to run away....leaving her young son behind. Fortunately, the dog was not truly aggressive, just happy to see them, but sheesh! I can't imagine leaving my kid behind while I ran from a dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristineinKS Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I would say no also -- I've known a number of women who had no maternal instinct whatsoever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Nope. I've never been a 'baby person'. It always took me a few months to get used to having a new baby around. I seemed to have to get to know them before the mothering instinct really kicked in. And I always wished I could have waited to name them until they were a whole lot older than 2 days! I would have liked to have seen what kind of personality they had and chosen a name to match. And I still don't like other peoples' babies so much. Only my own. And I hated babysitting when I was a teen. But the strange thing about that was that the kids always begged the parents to call me when they needed a sitter.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnetteB Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Some of us are just SO good, we make it look natural. But, no, maternal/nurturing behavior does not come naturally. Frankly, after a few weeks with no sleep and a cute little gummer tearing your nipples to pieces, maternal/nurturing behavior are very very very very forced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I imagine there is a continuum, like any other personality characteristic. I had a cold, unfeeling, refrigerator mother, and was always worried that I wouldn't have any maternal instincts. I was totally unprepared for the overwhelming, instantaneous, and magical maternal feelings I had the second that baby was born. Certainly not all women have that experience though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Nevermind... Edited January 30, 2009 by runninmommy This topic hits too close to home for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Clearly not. As a species, sure, there's maternal instinct. But it doesn't apply to every individual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Nope. Even in the animal world, there are mothers that lack the maternal instinct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I wonder how much of the lack of motherly instinct is that, and how much is misconception about who the real experts are. You learn more and live a heck of a lot more comfortably when you take your cues from your baby instead of every other man and his dog. Though advice from all those men and dogs might give you some hints as to what cues to be looking for in your baby. So many women seem to mother according to what the doctor, the book, their mum say, without actually consulting their baby. A baby knows far more about their appetite than anyone else, after all. I also agree with WendyK. The relationship with a new baby is like any new relationship/ friendship. You start off willing to be friends, but it still takes time to get to know each other and feelings to develop. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Well, my opinion is that no, women do not have natural mothering instincts. I think I would have to pick "nurture" in this instance. (Nature vs. Nurture) I say this because My Mom left me when I was 6 mo. old. I did not grow up with a Mom or a "Mother figure" I grew up in a very difficult situation. When I first had children, my first instincts were not very motherly. I had to Learn so much of it. Yes, I had love for them, that was natural. But motherly instincts? Not so much. That has only been developed through the grace of God and many, many, many parenting books and some wonderful women God has placed before me. Also, take women that have babies and neglect them, or hurt them, or even worse, kill them. If you are not raised in a kind, loving, nurturing home..it makes it very difficult to BE that way. After being hurt or neglected for so long, your heart hardens and it is so hard to give love or accept it. It also takes a lot of work and time to open your heart back up. So, long story short..I really do believe it is situational, not instinctual. HTH.. :grouphug: My mother didn't physically leave me, but she resented me from the get-go. She was not motherly at all, she more viewed me as competition for my dad's affection. It was hard to trust the right people, after being brought up by her. I can understand your feelings and I think I can relate to a small degree to the hurt. Having said that, I found it easy to be motherly to my babies because I wanted someone to love who'd love me back. However, I completely understand how your mother's rejection made you feel the way you do/did. It's interesting how things affect the children. Either way, a mother's rejection is traumatic and damaging. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runninmommy Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 :grouphug: My mother didn't physically leave me, but she resented me from the get-go. She was not motherly at all, she more viewed me as competition for my dad's affection. It was hard to trust the right people, after being brought up by her. I can understand your feelings and I think I can relate to a small degree to the hurt. Having said that, I found it easy to be motherly to my babies because I wanted someone to love who'd love me back. However, I completely understand how your mother's rejection made you feel the way you do/did. It's interesting how things affect the children. Either way, a mother's rejection is traumatic and damaging. :grouphug: That must have been very difficult for you. I could not imagine. I can relate to the coldness. That is one thing I work very hard at. Not being cold or disconnected. I want my children to feel loved, cherished and important. There is no worse feeling than to feel worthless and not loved. Thank you for your hug! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 No, my own mother had zilcho mothering instinct. A cousin of mine abandoned her two young sons (as her mother had abandoned she and a sister when they were little). I know of plenty of other mothers who are either absentee landlords or who have completely abandoned their families.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 in no way is the whole of mothering instinctual. I have a clear memory of the first weeks with my oldest, and watching my dh's skills and mine diverge as I spent more and more time, and he less and less, doing the totality of the hands on care. It's learned, pure and simple. And I'd argue it's learned again, differently with each child, because they are such individuals right from the get-go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Ditto what Catherine just said. When I was a teen, I swore up and down I'd never have kids - ever. I didn't know how to deal with kids at all and when people asked me to hold their babies, it was guaranteed the kids would cry in 30 seconds or less. I was petrified of small children, and the feeling was pretty much mutual. Obviously, at the time I had no idea how sensitive kids were to others' feelings. I still don't have a mothering 'instinct,' but I've learned to cope with my shortcomings and be able to at least handle my own children. I haven't read every book out there on parenting (hardly any, if I'm perfectly honest), but I get told I'm a good mom. That said, while I lack the MOTHERING instinct, my PROTECTIVE instinct is very, very strong. Nobody messes with Mama Bear, and that protective instinct also guides me to lead my children how to take care of themselves as they grow - a part of mothering, I suppose. My daughter, on the other hand, is only 3 and already knows she'll be a mama when she grows up. She mothers everything, including all the animals, that we have around here. It's odd to me to see that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamnkats Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Do all mothers have a sense of maternal instinct? I thought they did, but my wife and MIL give a big "NO!" for an answer. What do y'all say? No they don't. My MIL is a prime example of someone with a lack of maternal instinct. And TBH, maternal love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) in no way is the whole of mothering instinctual. Just think about how very isolated children grow up....you have a window to learn language, etc. We humans are extremely social creatures who are born with brains that require a lot of sculpturing. Think of the snakes and other creatures who are born completely capable of finding food, swimming, etc. That is instinct. We humans have very few. It gives us the most diverse behavior on earth. Edited February 1, 2009 by kalanamak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 No. My mother did not have it AT all. She had no problems grounding us to our rooms for weeks a time, feeding us on the floor and tried to get my dad to drop my sister off at an orphanage and leave her there. So, no, not all mothers have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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