Kay in Cal Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 (edited) First of all, my grandmother has always been, well, difficult. She is grumpy, complaining, and mostly unpleasant, and it isn't age. She's always been that way. But my mom is an only child, I'm her only grandchild, and we love her, even if she's hard to live with. Here's the situation: She's 92, and in relatively good health--though macular degeneration has left her nearly blind. She is married, her husband is 96 and they live alone in Arizona. (I'm in California, my mom is in Virginia.) Grandma and husband been married 20 year or so, both were widowed. He's a grumpy old cuss, and we have had intimations over the years that he drinks to excess. They both are also cheap. Yes, they lived through the Great Depression, and you'd know it. Everything is bought at rummage sales, food off the day-old rack, etc. They do have money (at least a few hundred thousand in savings, each), but will skip filling prescriptions because "$20 is too high of a copay". The situation: She's fallen three times since August, and broken several bones. Each time her husband has been present, at least one time he "dropped" her on the cement in the garage as she got out of the car. She is currently in a nursing home. She was released home a month or so ago, and when the home health nurse came the next day she decided my grandmother was being neglected and readmitted her. She has always been thin, and now has been diagnosed with anorexia, is dehydrated, and he was just leaving her alone in bed with no care. It's hard to talk to (or blame) her husband, because he's fairly out of it at this point. But he keeps appearing at the nursing home and trying to remove her against doctor's orders. He says it is too expensive for her to be there, and he wants her home. She now says if she goes home he'll kill her. He has started calling her regularly and freaking her out by saying things like "the house is on fire" when it isn't, or "it's costing you $3000 a day to be here, plus meals, and you are broke", when it's been paid already, meals are included, and she has enough in savings to pay for several years of care at least. He may be trying to be mean, he may just have a certain level of dementia of his own--since he's 96. Ugh ugh ugh. To make a long story short, we now have a lawyer and are trying to get conservatorship of her, as well as keep her husband away. However, he has no family himself (no children, not in touch with any siblings) and he probably needs a conservator as well. My mom is just overwhelmed with the thought of moving two 90 year olds out to her place--she's a few years away from retirement herself, and has a high-powered full time job. So I'm going out to Arizona on my own next week to try to come up with a plan. I really don't need anything, but just wanted to vent and sigh. Did I mention we have a bunch of houseguests coming next month? Edited January 22, 2009 by Kay in Cal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elm in NJ Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 HUGS! Don't have anything to say but I am an only child myself and it can be overwhelming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicki Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 What a hard situation! I will be praying for you. I do understand dealing with elderly or sick relatives. God bless, Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 :grouphug: What a pickle! Hopefully a good plan can be worked out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Oh gosh, what a headache and a worry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Could you be made his conservator as well? And then have his health and homelife checked out - he made well need to be in assisted living by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 :grouphug: My mother went through a similar situation with my (much younger) grandmother last year. It is a very difficult situation. Many hugs and good thoughts to all of you as you try to wade through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Journey Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 That's a tough situation to be in but when reading your post "I" get the impression that both of these people are a big PITA, to you. That's kind of sad. You mentioned that the old man "may just have a certain level of dementia of his own", well, at 96, I'm SURE he has a level of dementia. The poor guy has no one to look out for him and it just sounds like you couldn't care less about him. I know how hard it is with elderly relatives and nursing homes because I've been very close to almost the same situation myself, but you have to remember that even though they're old, they're still people. Obviously the old guy is not well and he misses his wife and the life they had together. He's probably lonely, miserable, demented and scared. Put yourself in his place and ask yourself how you would want your family to treat you. He needs to be in the exact same place that your grandmother is in. He is in no position to be caring for himself. Do you have any elderly advocacy agencies in your area? If so, get in contact with them. Also that lawyer you have should be able to tell you exactly what you need to do with both of these people. I know it's hard, and yes, both your life and your mother's life is probably going to change but that's what happens when we have elderly parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 (edited) - Edited January 23, 2009 by Kay in Cal Decided it's not really worth responding... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 :grouphug: Kay :grouphug: I have no advice to offer, just big hugs!! This sounds tough!! More :grouphug::grouphug: !!! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If you (or your mother) go to some caregiver groups, you are going to find loving, tender, compassionate people who give round the clock care to their elderly parents saying, "I can't take it. I am filled with rage. She wasn't even nice to me. I want to run away. I can't do this." That's how it feels sometimes. Pretty much every caregiver has been there. They listen to each other vent without judgment and without lecturing, because most caregivers already understand that their elderly parents are real people who matter. That's why they are sacrificing their middle years rendering care - whether it's in their homes or their parents live in a residential situation. Your post couldn't TOUCH what I have heard from very dedicated, loving children who want to be the best caregivers they can be to their parents. Everyone needs somewhere to really vent, because people who say parenting is the hardest job just haven't been caregivers to the elderly yet - especially the crabby difficult elderly. I think that is the hardest job in the world. I am sorry your Mom is getting there. I have no idea how to resolve the legal problems, yet alone the personal ones (((((((Kay))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 That's a tough situation to be in but when reading your post "I" get the impression that both of these people are a big PITA, to you. That's kind of sad. You mentioned that the old man "may just have a certain level of dementia of his own", well, at 96, I'm SURE he has a level of dementia. The poor guy has no one to look out for him and it just sounds like you couldn't care less about him. I know how hard it is with elderly relatives and nursing homes because I've been very close to almost the same situation myself, but you have to remember that even though they're old, they're still people. Obviously the old guy is not well and he misses his wife and the life they had together. He's probably lonely, miserable, demented and scared. Put yourself in his place and ask yourself how you would want your family to treat you. He needs to be in the exact same place that your grandmother is in. He is in no position to be caring for himself. Do you have any elderly advocacy agencies in your area? If so, get in contact with them. Also that lawyer you have should be able to tell you exactly what you need to do with both of these people. I know it's hard, and yes, both your life and your mother's life is probably going to change but that's what happens when we have elderly parents. Harsh and unnecessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Journey, I don't even want to quote your post here it is so hurtful and rude. Kay - you are right to keep your grandmother away from her husband right now. It really does sound like he needs a medical evaluation to see if he has dementia or some related problems. It sounds from what you've written that his natural tendency toward frugality is getting out of control. I'm sorry that he doesn't have family that can take over the role of conservator for him. If that is not something that your family could take on - could the courts assign a "guardian ad litum" or some such person to watch out for him? A doctor might be able to answer those kind of questions for you. As to the genuinely difficult situation you and your mother are facing - :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 As I've posted before, both of my parents are battling dementia, and it isn't pretty at all. There's a lot that I've never posted here of the ilk that you're experiencing. It's practically and emotionally draining:grouphug:. I'm sure that you know this, but getting a lawyer who is truly experienced in elder law and the quirks of local courts is essential. I also live out of state and there are complications because of that as well. The courts where my parents live don't look favorably on out-of-state family members undertaking what you are considering unless the person is truly bed-bound and there is a huge amount of hard evidence. Adult Protective Services has been involved in my parents' case as well, but there wasn't enough evidence when they were investigating, and then things went down again and they refused to get involved. It really is an upsetting situation to deal with, and one fraught with all kinds of emotions that outsiders have a hard time understanding. My prayers are with you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Don't let Journey's post get you down, Kay. With only 95 posts, it's obvious he/she is a rookie who hasn't been around long enough to know everyone's history. I'm sure Journey's just trying to be helpful, in a clueless sort of way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 (edited) That's a tough situation to be in but when reading your post "I" get the impression that both of these people are a big PITA, to you. That's kind of sad. You mentioned that the old man "may just have a certain level of dementia of his own", well, at 96, I'm SURE he has a level of dementia. The poor guy has no one to look out for him and it just sounds like you couldn't care less about him. I know how hard it is with elderly relatives and nursing homes because I've been very close to almost the same situation myself, but you have to remember that even though they're old, they're still people. Obviously the old guy is not well and he misses his wife and the life they had together. He's probably lonely, miserable, demented and scared. Put yourself in his place and ask yourself how you would want your family to treat you. He needs to be in the exact same place that your grandmother is in. He is in no position to be caring for himself. Do you have any elderly advocacy agencies in your area? If so, get in contact with them. Also that lawyer you have should be able to tell you exactly what you need to do with both of these people. I know it's hard, and yes, both your life and your mother's life is probably going to change but that's what happens when we have elderly parents. It's one of the most viscious posts I have ever seen. It's a shame, because deep in it are some good points. But so deep that they are useless. Edited January 22, 2009 by Carol in Cal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 (((Kay))), sounds like you're dealing with this the best you can. Keep us posted. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I realize you were trying to be helpful, but if you wanted more facts, you could have phrased your post better. You could have said something like, "Hey, I'm new here, and I don't know all the background of your situation. Can you give us some more specifics on such-and-such?" Because the truth is, not everyone who's been around here a long time (like me) knows everyone else's back stories. There's just too many people on the boards for that, and lots of us only pop in and out -- we miss a lot. (Lately that's been a good thing.) All that is to say, it's OK if you're not up to speed. Just ask, and someone will gladly and politely fill you in. These boards really are pretty welcoming. I'm not in any of the cliques, but that's never been my thing. I've seen this happen before in community meetings. Someone new comes in and stands up and asks something like, "Why don't we have __________ in town? Doesn't anyone care? You should do X, Y, and Z", not knowing that everyone in the room has been trying to get __________ in town for the past fifteen years, and and they've already tried X, Y, and Z, not to mention A, B, and C, and there have been all kinds of roadblocks in their way. It would have been more profitable and less embarrassing for that individual to sit back and listen for a while to get his bearings, or to just ask a more intelligent question. It's OK that you would have handled Kay's situation differently. It's all in how you express it, especially on the Internet (not that I'm always a sterling example). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddhabelly Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 (edited) I am so sorry that you have this on your plate. I just popped in to say that you are doing a great job with this situation so far. Thank you for not ignoring your grandmother when she says, "He'll kill me when I go home." Yes, he's 96, but it seems highly unlikely that he was not responsible for at least some of her "falls." I wish you the best with your efforts. Ugh. Just ugh. I had a great-uncle who had always been "difficult." He got kicked out of three nursing homes because he was so rude and belligerent in his later years. His daughter ended up taking him in, but he had to move from Southern California to Canada because, well, she had a life and a family in Toronto. So I have no suggestions, just joining you in her your frustration. Can your houseguests stay in a hotel? Julie Edited January 23, 2009 by buddhabelly replaced "mom" with "grandmother" (correction) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessedfamily Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 ...... You mentioned that the old man "may just have a certain level of dementia of his own", well, at 96, I'm SURE he has a level of dementia. The poor guy has no one to look out for him and it just sounds like you couldn't care less about him. ... (Bolding and deleting mine) Not all 96 year olds have a level of dementia. My great grandfather was 97 and his mind was as sharp as a tack until the day he died. A member of my church is over 100 and she has no dementia. However, Kay, if you think the man has a touch of dementia, I've seen someone with it act very much as you describe. She was a nice lady, but started calling family members, telling them relatives had been in terrible car accidents and such. Either way, I wish you the best in your efforts to resolve the situation. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I think you're wise to go assess the situation. At the least, could you have her phone screened so that his calls don't get through to her? I felt my blood pressure go up when I read what he's said to her - and I'm on the low side! :grouphug: Praying for you to have wisdom and grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well, I called the nursing home to tell them I'll be there next week, and they asked for a major family conference set up with everyone from the hospital administrator on down. So obviously, they think there are serious issues here, I"m sure they'll have a lot more detail for me. I'll also meet with the lawyer (he is an elderly law specialist) and try to get to talk to her primary care physician, who was apparently unaware that she had been readmitted. I'm going to be all on my own out there (dh is staying here with the kids), so I'll need prayers as I drive to Arizona after church on Sunday, and then I'll be there through Thursday. At least I kind of like driving across the dessert... and four days with no children will be just like a mini spa vacation, right?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBH Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'll be praying that the Lord would give you wisdom to know what to do with the given facts. The Lord will work everything out. Be encouraged in Him. I Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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