Is it me?

[TexasProud]

Just now, Alice said:

 

These are the pieces of your posts that stood out to me. I grew up in home with an alcoholic mother who also was bipolar and my parents fought all the time. I have a really really really hard time dealing with conflict because as a kid, one tiny thing could throw off the whole day. Or even then the whole week, vacation, etc. One small "mistake" could end up having my Mom spiral for months. And it has taken me my whole life to realize how messed up that way of living was and how much it has affected me as an adult. 

I think the thing about growing up "never knowing who would be angry or in a tizzy" is that you internalize that somehow you can keep people from getting angry if you only ___________. Fill in the blank. Act perfectly. Do the right things. Work hard enough. Don't complain. Don't argue. Etc. And then when someone does get angry you feel you have failed to keep things the way they should have been. 

 

 

Yes, absolutely.  This is definitely mine, minus the alcohol. My dad was bipolar and I was the "dad whisperer."  Even as a teen, other adults would send me in to placate him.... and then stand around if it all went wrong and he turned on me. 

[Clarita]

51 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But yeah, we have already talked about how stressed I feel and how I cannot get into a rhythm and how hard it is as I am in Kenya.  I love it there. I have people there.  I can see myself there.  We leave.  i am here for a few weeks.  Then in the RV.  I really was enjoying the trip.  I got into a rhythm. it was fun.  But now it is home...just preparing.  I will enjoy the mission trip in Honduras, catching up with the people we work with regularly, getting to know new people.  I will enjoy being home for most of the summer and starting to reconnect, but then I have to transition into RV mode again.  Yes, I have told him this. But this is our time.  His health is already deteriorating.  I'm guessing in 10 to 15 years we won't be able to travel and I will be "stuck" at home.  i just don't do well during this transition from one thing to another and yes, I have talked to him about it. 

Since you don't need to be doing all this stuff can you just minimize the transitions or the just being at home time. It seems to me right now you guys are making "home" an awful place to be. Can you just spend more time in the two places that gives you more joy, Kenya and RV? Just don't go home for a while.

I know you can give me all the reasons no, but don't just think about with your husband if you guys can spend these before "stuck at home" years not transitioning as much. 

[TexasProud]

11 hours ago, Clarita said:

Since you don't need to be doing all this stuff can you just minimize the transitions or the just being at home time. It seems to me right now you guys are making "home" an awful place to be. Can you just spend more time in the two places that gives you more joy, Kenya and RV? Just don't go home for a while.

I know you can give me all the reasons no, but don't just think about with your husband if you guys can spend these before "stuck at home" years not transitioning as much. 

But I miss my friends... well two or three particularly.  I may lead a book club this summer so I can see my church friends.  It is why I said no to Kenya so I can see my friends.  I organized a devotion for my church and a women's retreat in February/March for the same reason.  And we have this cat at home.  We can't take her anywhere as she pees on things. We live on a 55 acre place that needs to be tended.  My husband is looking forward to retiring here and piddling on the farm.  When he is home, it gives him an outlet.  He is spraying our peach trees right now.  I feel bad enough not being here for 5 weeks with the cat, much less 6 months.  

Please don't quote:  edited for privacy

Edited May 8 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

24 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But I shouldn't feel that way.  I have so much to be grateful for. I should be happy. I mean.. Our daughter graduated summa cul laude. Has a job performing this summer. Our middle on is marrying the most wonderful girl.  We have enough money to be able to travel whenever we want.  We are serving others as God wants us to on the mission field.  I shouldn't be snippy. 

Can't those things all be true?

You can be grateful for your life and overall happy about the blessings. 

AND at the end of a long day be exhausted and handle things in a less than ideal way. 

Snippy isn't great but it's not the worst either. It's a typical response to a person who is tired. You shouldn't believe it is a moral failing and horrible awful thing (especially if it's not the way you generally live your life) nor should your husband respond to it as anything more than "my wife is just tired and this is a lot."

[TexasProud]

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Can't those things all be true?

You can be grateful for your life and overall happy about the blessings. 

AND at the end of a long day be exhausted and handle things in a less than ideal way. 

Snippy isn't great but it's not the worst either. It's a typical response to a person who is tired. You shouldn't believe it is a moral failing and horrible awful thing (especially if it's not the way you generally live your life) nor should your husband respond to it as anything more than "my wife is just tired and this is a lot."

Thanks Fairfarmhand. 

[Clarita]

23 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But I miss my friends... well two or three particularly.  I may lead a book club this summer so I can see my church friends.  It is why I said no to Kenya so I can see my friends.  I organized a devotion for my church and a women's retreat in February/March for the same reason.  And we have this cat at home.  We can't take her anywhere as she pees on things. We live on a 55 acre place that needs to be tended.  My husband is looking forward to retiring here and piddling on the farm.  When he is home, it gives him an outlet.  He is spraying our peach trees right now.  I feel bad enough not being here for 5 weeks with the cat, much less 6 months.  

Then maybe you are already (at least partially) in the place where you both need to dial down this itinerary. The health deterioration thing doesn't always happen in one instant it can be more gradual. I know there's talk in the world that when people slow down then it all goes downhill, but some of those stories could also be that they slowed down because health was already starting to go downhill (just that it didn't appear on the surface).

[SKL]

Reading your list of things you want to do for the next year ... I'm not going to say whether it's too much or not.  Things seem spread out and meaningful.

But ... I think I'm almost the same age as you, and I'm really needing to have a plan to dial things back.  I've been having casual discussions about this with my business partners.  We can do a lot, just like we always have, but we can't go on like this forever.  If we don't have a plan to dial it back sensibly, what will happen?  Bad things.  It's inevitable.

It's hard to decide which things to dial back and how.

I would suggest that if you want to see your friends who live near enough, you don't need to start a Bible study or whatever.  You can just suggest lunch out, or a light picnic, or a walk in a nearby park.  You are not obligated to invest a ton of work into every connection.

From past posts, I get the impression that you have the financial means to hire somebody to do some of the physical work around your house / property.  I'd really recommend doing that, this year, before someone gets hurt trying to do what was reasonable 10, 5, or even 2 years ago.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

 

From past posts, I get the impression that you have the financial means to hire somebody to do some of the physical work around your house / property.  I'd really recommend doing that, this year, before someone gets hurt trying to do what was reasonable 10, 5, or even 2 years ago.

Yep.  I have suggested.  he won't.  He is out mowing now. I, however, do absolutely nothing anymore.  When we first moved here, I was the one who mowed, weeded the flowerbeds, picked the garden, put up all the produce, etc.  We don't have a giant garden anymore.  Our flowerbeds are full of weeds.  He does it now.  His choice. But I am done. 

[Eos]

45 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, absolutely.  This is definitely mine, minus the alcohol. My dad was bipolar and I was the "dad whisperer."  Even as a teen, other adults would send me in to placate him.... and then stand around if it all went wrong and he turned on me. 

I'm so sorry. This seems like the bottom line right here. The safety and sanity of your entire family was your responsibility as a young person. Of course you learned that everyone else's emotional well-being depended on your behavior and tone of voice.

Healing is possible. You are allowed to be deeply angry at all those adults in your life who failed at being the adults, who threw you at the problem they should have dealt with. You are also allowed to feel the despair that no grown-up around you was helping you, nobody was ending that situation that you didn't deserve to experience. 

Please don't think anger and grief are not Christian. We humans have emotions. God can forgive your father and those other adults. Giving grace to others comes from a healthy place, not from the unresolved effects of trauma. And what you experienced was trauma. 

[SKL]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Yep.  I have suggested.  he won't.  He is out mowing now. I, however, do absolutely nothing anymore.  When we first moved here, I was the one who mowed, weeded the flowerbeds, picked the garden, put up all the produce, etc.  We don't have a giant garden anymore.  Our flowerbeds are full of weeds.  He does it now.  His choice. But I am done. 

You can't control him.  But honestly, I question his priorities or his wisdom if he refuses to recognize that God created him as a human, and humans have limitations.  Physical, emotional, etc.  He is not accepting the way God made him.  He's fighting the life God has designed him for.  What would he say to that?

Knowing that the end comes for all of us ... and usually not in a single moment ... I think it's a Christian responsibility to adapt to the changes, to revisit our priorities, to try to make the inevitable transitions easier for those whose lives we were sent to bless.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Eos said:

I'm so sorry. This seems like the bottom line right here. The safety and sanity of your entire family was your responsibility as a young person. Of course you learned that everyone else's emotional well-being depended on your behavior and tone of voice.

Healing is possible. You are allowed to be deeply angry at all those adults in your life who failed at being the adults, who threw you at the problem they should have dealt with. You are also allowed to feel the despair that no grown-up around you was helping you, nobody was ending that situation that you didn't deserve to experience. 

Please don't think anger and grief are not Christian. We humans have emotions. God can forgive your father and those other adults. Giving grace to others comes from a healthy place, not from the unresolved effects of trauma. And what you experienced was trauma. 

Yes, but counselors never seem to want to address this. I keep listening to these podcasts or even on here and how counselors challenge them and so forth and so on.  Have them go back and grieve for what you had to experience.  But not one has wanted to do that. 

[TexasProud]

10 hours ago, SKL said:

You can't control him.  But honestly, I question his priorities or his wisdom if he refuses to recognize that God created him as a human, and humans have limitations.  Physical, emotional, etc.  He is not accepting the way God made him.  He's fighting the life God has designed him for.  What would he say to that?

edited for privacy

Edited May 8 by TexasProud

[SKL]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

He would say that he retired early so that he could serve others.  He already feels like a wimp.  He isn't even 60 yet. He doesn't believe that God put us on the earth to just have fun.  He believes he made him a surgeon so that he could help others and he should use those gifts.  He believes God will call him to account on whether or not he used his time wisely and as he wanted him.  Retirement is not in God's vocabulary or anywhere in the Bible.  

1. Retirement is most certainly in the Bible.  In the old testament it states that people are supposed to work until age 60 iirc.  I believe this is in at least 2 places in the Old Testament.  And I am sure this is meant for able-bodied people, not people who have disabilities.

2. I never said he should just have fun.  I suggest dialing it back / taper it off gradually, so he isn't literally breaking his back and toiling with a 24/7 headache.

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

 

2. I never said he should just have fun.  I suggest dialing it back / taper it off gradually, so he isn't literally breaking his back and toiling with a 24/7 headache.

He cannot sit still.  And supposedly, when he works outside or does something it helps to lessen his headaches. 

[TexasProud]

And you will need to give me verses where it says you should retire.  In Numbers the Levites had to retire at 50, but back then that was pretty old.  And it was serving priestly duties.  They didn't just sit around. 

[SKL]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

And you will need to give me verses where it says you should retire.  In Numbers the Levites had to retire at 50, but back then that was pretty old.  And it was serving priestly duties.  They didn't just sit around. 

I never said "just sit around," did I?

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

I never said "just sit around," did I?

So tell me what he should do then.

[Eos]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, but counselors never seem to want to address this. I keep listening to these podcasts or even on here and how counselors challenge them and so forth and so on.  Have them go back and grieve for what you had to experience.  But not one has wanted to do that. 

The therapist who "challenged" me made it sound more like a loving invitation to set down my burden and just cry in her presence. But what really helped me get started was a tiny inkling of anger that I let build. 

Here are some in Texas:

https://themontfortgroup.com/healing-your-inner-child/

https://deepeddypsychotherapy.com/love-yourself-therapy/

https://www.therapywithabby.com/childhood-trauma

 

 

 

Edited May 7 by Eos

[TexasProud]

Just now, Eos said:

The therapist who "challenged" me made it sound more like a loving invitation to set down my burden and just cry in her presence. But what really helped me get started was a tiny inkling of anger that I let build.

Here are some in Texas:

https://themontfortgroup.com/healing-your-inner-child/

https://deepeddypsychotherapy.com/love-yourself-therapy/

https://www.therapywithabby.com/childhood-trauma

 

 

 

Thank you.  I will check into them. 

[TexasProud]

LOL and the answer to the question is 

Yes.  🙂

[SKL]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

So tell me what he should do then.

You seem to be a very black and white thinker, so I think I'll just exit this conversation.

[Eos]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

LOL and the answer to the question is 

Yes.  🙂

As a young person, you did the best that you could with the skills that you had at the time. It was not your fault.

 

 

[SKL]

25 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And you will need to give me verses where it says you should retire.  In Numbers the Levites had to retire at 50, but back then that was pretty old.  And it was serving priestly duties.  They didn't just sit around. 

It's been nearly 20 years since I last read the entire Bible, so I don't remember exactly where it said this.  It doesn't say you must quit work at X age, but it lays out a span of adult years during which every man should work, or till, or whatever language was used in the translation I was reading.  I thought the span was 20-60 in one place, shorter in another place.  (The shorter one must have been the Numbers rule you mention in the quote.)

My point was that your comment that your husband thinks retirement is not Biblical / implying that God doesn't want us to slow down is not correct.  There are ways to serve God in our old age that don't break our backs.

[I said I would exit, haha, but I didn't want it to look like I made a false claim and ran away.]

Edited May 7 by SKL

[TexasProud]

9 hours ago, SKL said:

It's been nearly 20 years since I last read the entire Bible, so I don't remember exactly where it said this.  It doesn't say you must quit work at X age, but it lays out a span of adult years during which every man should work, or till, or whatever language was used in the translation I was reading.  I thought the span was 20-60 in one place, shorter in another place.  (The shorter one must have been the Numbers rule you mention in the quote.)

My point was that your comment that your husband thinks retirement is not Biblical / implying that God doesn't want us to slow down is not correct.  There are ways to serve God in our old age that don't break our backs.

[I said I would exit, haha, but I didn't want it to look like I made a false claim and ran away.]

edited for privacy

 

Edited May 8 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Eos said:

As a young person, you did the best that you could with the skills that you had at the time. It was not your fault.

 

 

That is sweet, but I was talking about my original scenario.  And yes, the problem is me on several levels.  And that is ok.  The world will keep spinning even if I screw up. 

[Eos]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

That is sweet, but I was talking about my original scenario.  And yes, the problem is me on several levels.  And that is ok.  The world will keep spinning even if I screw up. 

Right, the original scenario you describe experiencing reflects the childhood trauma and coping mechanisms. They are entwined.

[prairiewindmomma]

52 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He would say that he retired early so that he could serve others.  He already feels like a wimp.  He isn't even 60 yet. He doesn't believe that God put us on the earth to just have fun.  He believes he made him a surgeon so that he could help others and he should use those gifts.  He believes God will call him to account on whether or not he used his time wisely and as he wanted him.  Retirement is not in God's vocabulary or anywhere in the Bible.  

Hold up. 

Matthew 23:4—Jesus condemns the Pharisees for all of the weighty burdens of things they “had” to do in order to be considered righteous. Contrast that with Matthew 11:28-30 where we are told that His yoke is light and that we can find rest. 
 

Your dh is working himself to death trying to earn his righteousness and that is not Biblical. Grace does not work that way. 
 

Mark 6:31 points to leisure time

 Numbers 8:23-26–Levite priests ended their service in the temple at age 50 

ETA: I cant imagine either of you just sitting around, but y’all need balance. If you are feeling exhausted and stressed then you are working past your capability. 
 

If you want to twist Christianity a bit—an omnipotent God could just make your dh’s back not hurt. It’s in His power. So, either we are dealing with a fallen world and human bodies that arent perfect and He is choosing to be hands off with His creation or God sees fit for your dh to learn the limitations of an infirm body. Either way, He is not asking your dh to be Superman.

Edited May 7 by prairiewindmomma

[TexasProud]

Just now, prairiewindmomma said:

Hold up. 

Matthew 23:4—Jesus condemns the Pharisees for all of the weighty burdens of things they “had” to do in order to be considered righteous. Contrast that with Matthew 11:28-30 where we are told that His yoke is light and that we can find rest. 
 

Your dh is working himself to death trying to earn his righteousness and that is not Biblical. Grace does not work that way. 
 

Mark 6:31 points to leisure time

 Numbers 8:23-26–Levite priests ended their service in the temple at age 50 

He is not trying to earn his way to salvation or to be considered righteous.  He DOES rest.  Heck we just spent 5 weeks on an RV trip.  We slept, took fun hikes, etc.  That said, at some point we will all stand before God.  I, for one, do not want to be ashamed. 

For me, and I think for him, but probably shouldn't speak for him, the part of Schindler's List that just hit me in the gut was the part at the end where he cried and said, "I could have done more...I didn't do enough... The car- ten people, two people the pin, ..." That is what I fear....  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9vj2Wf57rQ

[Frances]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Well, that works in the work situations you describe, but as a student...  I mean, yes, I could have just not done it anyway and get a B and be done with it.  But I wanted the A+ and thought that everything I was already doing should have gotten me that.  I mean another student "only" did a podcast.  And yes, totally on me.  I should not have done it. But I wanted the A+.

But why? You’re a grown woman, not a young adult trying to get into grad school or nab a prestigious internship or job. It seems like the focus of your seminary degree should have been how much you could learn, not the grades you received. That’s one of the huge advantages of going back to school later in life when you don’t need the degree for financial reasons.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Frances said:

But why? You’re a grown woman, not a young adult trying to get into grad school or nab a prestigious internship or job. It seems like the focus of your seminary degree should have been how much you could learn, not the grades you received. That’s one of the huge advantages of going back to school later in life when you don’t need the degree for financial reasons.

Because I want to be seen as intelligent and capable. Because I want to do things well.  I didn't care enough as a young person. Because I want to be the kind of person who graduates with good grades.  And yes, I learned a lot.

I will say this here because I can and because this is my safe space.  I am kinda mad and feel a little cheated about my seminary experience.  I went because it sounded fun. And the first year, I only did a couple of online classes, which I am glad I did to get ready.  Then in the fall of 2019 I went in person.  It was absolutely glorious and everything I hoped it would be.  I loved being on campus.  The energy. The conversations. I loved the women's group.  I loved being challenged and learning so much.  The spring of 2020 was the same and then you know what happened.  It all went online. Then it started to open up and my mom got cancer and I had to take care of her and so I couldn't go back in person.  It wasn't the same.  I graduated in the midst of her battle and she died a few months later. I wish my experience could have been two years like that first semester.  

And I know. My privilege is showing and I shouldn't whine. I didn't have to do it and am lucky I could.  Heck I am whining about this when so many people died....  But still, I feel cheated.

Edited May 7 by TexasProud

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

And I know. My privilege is showing and I shouldn't whine. I didn't have to do it and am lucky I could.  Heck I am whining about this when so many people died....  But still, I feel cheated.

That is akin to survival guilt. You are still entitled to feel cheated. My kids dual enrollment classes went online. They can be sad for the people who suffered or died from the pandemic and yet still wish that classes didn’t have to go online. It is not mutually exclusive.

[StarSailor]

I'm going to come out of lurking because I can relate to some of what you are saying.  And I feel led to share the verses and thoughts that have helped as I have searched and prayed and asked God a million "whys".  I am a missionary, and God has led me down paths I would have never imagined.  Medical events have changed entirely what I do and have at times stripped everything away.  And like you, I would love to find a counselor that understands the medical realities because without that understanding their advice makes no sense and is of no help.  But God is good and He continues to use me as I seek Him first.  (I will come back to this because it relates to some ideas for service)

I apologize for how long this is - one of the things that got stripped away was my ability with words.

First, Psalm 46:10  Be Still and Know that I am God.  Maybe next time your husband asks what he can do, you can ask to do this together.  It's hard and hard work to be still and know - but God calls us to do so, intentionally.

Second, what does "rest" mean in the Bible - how and when is that term/concept used?  Even God rested after Creation and not because He physically or mentally had to.  Jesus went away from the crowds to pray.  What is the Sabbath day?  What is the Year of Jubilee?  Are there "seasons" in life?

Third, it has been very helpful to me to study various men and women in the Bible, what did they do with their lives, did it change over time, did they deal with a "thorn in the flesh"?  Related is what does it mean to "know how to abound and abase" (Phil 4:12)  For me, this is not just a financial concept.  If everyone serves and no one receives then the service model doesn't work.  I must be both a cheerful giver and a gracious receiver.

- I try to remember that if we focus mostly on the doing and service and not on the "be still and know" part, then can we truly serve God?  And if I am so busy doing, am I keeping someone else from doing what God is asking them to do?  Perhaps God is leading you all down a new path because He is leading someone else to do the service with call hours.  We must often step away before God has the next person step up.

- I had, and still have to often ponder what does it mean to "be still and know" and how do I do that?

- it is so easy to focus on serving with my gifts and abilities and I forget that God sometimes leads in a hard left or right or down a windy road that makes no sense.  God gives us some abilities/gifts that are there throughout our entire lives.  And then sometimes he gives us gifts/abilities that are for a season of life only.  It's all good. 

- Luke 1:45  What does it mean when it says Mary was blessed because she believed that the Lord would do what He said?  This verse was given to me as a challenge to ponder - at a time of great challenge.  This verse still comes back to me as both a reassurance and a challenge - what do I believe God has said He would do.  It has been a deep blessing to ponder this verse and what I believe to be foundational truths about God.

Life is about seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness - my first focus has to be Psalm 46:10 and Luke 1:45.  Out of that all of my life flows.  I must actively be still, know, and seek God.  And I must listen for His voice and follow His path.  Not mine, nor the world's, nor the church's, nor the mission agencies, nor our supporters.  There is wisdom in counselors, but I am responsible and called, first and only, to my relationship with God.  Ie, I am not called to a "life of service", I am called only to a relationship with God.  That must be both primary and only.

Last, God often speaks to me through songs:  A few years ago I was about knocked off my chair one night by a song He sent gloriously and undeniably.  "there is power, power, wonder-working power, in the blood of the lamb..."  The word "power" coursed thru me like a lightening bolt.  And then, because I hummed that, unknowingly but loudly, often, my artistic child made me a poster.  And you know what, she had high-lighted "wonder working".  And a second lightening bolt course through me.  It was not about a miracle or hard things ending or life suddenly becoming better.  It was about what did I believe about God.  Somehow, when I keep my beliefs aligned with His Truth then it becomes easier to see the path He lays before me and walk down it confidently.

So my prayer for you, knowing you like to sing, is that God will bring you deep peace, His peace, through your songs and music.  That His truths will flow in mighty ways, thru song, throughout each of your days.  One of my other favorite songs is the old hymn "I Come to the Garden" - it soothes my inner turmoil when life is hard.

You mentioned the challenges that are very real due to medical constraints:  it's ok to do new things - that is exactly what God asks us to do sometimes.  Your DH was/is a great doctor - I can sense that from your words.  But maybe now God is leading him to use his gifts and abilities in a new way.  Could your DH mentor other young doctors, be a listening ear (especially for young doctors with families), hold Bible studies for those in the medical field, serve on the Board of a mission agency with medical ministries, help train medical missionaries, focus on mentoring so that the next generation of medical missionaries are ready as they step forward?  Is there a new way to use his medical skills and experience and his good people skills (ie, bedside manner) that fits with the reality of life now?

There is a great need for couples to go short-term to encourage and pray with missionaries on the field - and there is just as great a need to keep up those relationships via email and visits during furlough.  You and your husband understand the realities and costs of service - I know you would both be a blessing in this.  You can do this from home - provide safe people for missionaries to talk with so they can process and recover when they are on furlough.

And/or why can't he "go" serve but not do "call" hours?  In other words, just serve a regular 6-8 hour day?  I know it is hard for doctors to do that - they give their all and then some.  But maybe your husband will be the one to help the hospital start a "new" way of volunteering.

And for me this was/is so scary, but sometimes God takes away the "gifts" and gives us "new gifts" and asks to do something entirely different.  It is oh so hard, but after I start walking with Him, I find that His path is indeed best.

Lastly, I have many married friends who say when God starts to lead them in a new way, often one of the couple "sees" that first.  And it feels like they are "out of step".  If God is leading you all in a new way that may be why it feels "off".  That's where the "be still and know" and listen and seek together comes in.  God will not tell you two conflicting things to do, but He may give each of you a piece of the puzzle that you fit together as you seek Him.

I hope something in this is helpful.  If not, ignore it.  Just know that I pray for God's wisdom and peace for you in this season of life.
 

[fairfarmhand]

18 minutes ago, StarSailor said:

I'm going to come out of lurking because I can relate to some of what you are saying.  And I feel led to share the verses and thoughts that have helped as I have searched and prayed and asked God a million "whys".  I am a missionary, and God has led me down paths I would have never imagined.  Medical events have changed entirely what I do and have at times stripped everything away.  And like you, I would love to find a counselor that understands the medical realities because without that understanding their advice makes no sense and is of no help.  But God is good and He continues to use me as I seek Him first.  (I will come back to this because it relates to some ideas for service)

I apologize for how long this is - one of the things that got stripped away was my ability with words.

First, Psalm 46:10  Be Still and Know that I am God.  Maybe next time your husband asks what he can do, you can ask to do this together.  It's hard and hard work to be still and know - but God calls us to do so, intentionally.

Second, what does "rest" mean in the Bible - how and when is that term/concept used?  Even God rested after Creation and not because He physically or mentally had to.  Jesus went away from the crowds to pray.  What is the Sabbath day?  What is the Year of Jubilee?  Are there "seasons" in life?

Third, it has been very helpful to me to study various men and women in the Bible, what did they do with their lives, did it change over time, did they deal with a "thorn in the flesh"?  Related is what does it mean to "know how to abound and abase" (Phil 4:12)  For me, this is not just a financial concept.  If everyone serves and no one receives then the service model doesn't work.  I must be both a cheerful giver and a gracious receiver.

- I try to remember that if we focus mostly on the doing and service and not on the "be still and know" part, then can we truly serve God?  And if I am so busy doing, am I keeping someone else from doing what God is asking them to do?  Perhaps God is leading you all down a new path because He is leading someone else to do the service with call hours.  We must often step away before God has the next person step up.

- I had, and still have to often ponder what does it mean to "be still and know" and how do I do that?

- it is so easy to focus on serving with my gifts and abilities and I forget that God sometimes leads in a hard left or right or down a windy road that makes no sense.  God gives us some abilities/gifts that are there throughout our entire lives.  And then sometimes he gives us gifts/abilities that are for a season of life only.  It's all good. 

- Luke 1:45  What does it mean when it says Mary was blessed because she believed that the Lord would do what He said?  This verse was given to me as a challenge to ponder - at a time of great challenge.  This verse still comes back to me as both a reassurance and a challenge - what do I believe God has said He would do.  It has been a deep blessing to ponder this verse and what I believe to be foundational truths about God.

Life is about seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness - my first focus has to be Psalm 46:10 and Luke 1:45.  Out of that all of my life flows.  I must actively be still, know, and seek God.  And I must listen for His voice and follow His path.  Not mine, nor the world's, nor the church's, nor the mission agencies, nor our supporters.  There is wisdom in counselors, but I am responsible and called, first and only, to my relationship with God.  Ie, I am not called to a "life of service", I am called only to a relationship with God.  That must be both primary and only.

Last, God often speaks to me through songs:  A few years ago I was about knocked off my chair one night by a song He sent gloriously and undeniably.  "there is power, power, wonder-working power, in the blood of the lamb..."  The word "power" coursed thru me like a lightening bolt.  And then, because I hummed that, unknowingly but loudly, often, my artistic child made me a poster.  And you know what, she had high-lighted "wonder working".  And a second lightening bolt course through me.  It was not about a miracle or hard things ending or life suddenly becoming better.  It was about what did I believe about God.  Somehow, when I keep my beliefs aligned with His Truth then it becomes easier to see the path He lays before me and walk down it confidently.

So my prayer for you, knowing you like to sing, is that God will bring you deep peace, His peace, through your songs and music.  That His truths will flow in mighty ways, thru song, throughout each of your days.  One of my other favorite songs is the old hymn "I Come to the Garden" - it soothes my inner turmoil when life is hard.

You mentioned the challenges that are very real due to medical constraints:  it's ok to do new things - that is exactly what God asks us to do sometimes.  Your DH was/is a great doctor - I can sense that from your words.  But maybe now God is leading him to use his gifts and abilities in a new way.  Could your DH mentor other young doctors, be a listening ear (especially for young doctors with families), hold Bible studies for those in the medical field, serve on the Board of a mission agency with medical ministries, help train medical missionaries, focus on mentoring so that the next generation of medical missionaries are ready as they step forward?  Is there a new way to use his medical skills and experience and his good people skills (ie, bedside manner) that fits with the reality of life now?

There is a great need for couples to go short-term to encourage and pray with missionaries on the field - and there is just as great a need to keep up those relationships via email and visits during furlough.  You and your husband understand the realities and costs of service - I know you would both be a blessing in this.  You can do this from home - provide safe people for missionaries to talk with so they can process and recover when they are on furlough.

And/or why can't he "go" serve but not do "call" hours?  In other words, just serve a regular 6-8 hour day?  I know it is hard for doctors to do that - they give their all and then some.  But maybe your husband will be the one to help the hospital start a "new" way of volunteering.

And for me this was/is so scary, but sometimes God takes away the "gifts" and gives us "new gifts" and asks to do something entirely different.  It is oh so hard, but after I start walking with Him, I find that His path is indeed best.

Lastly, I have many married friends who say when God starts to lead them in a new way, often one of the couple "sees" that first.  And it feels like they are "out of step".  If God is leading you all in a new way that may be why it feels "off".  That's where the "be still and know" and listen and seek together comes in.  God will not tell you two conflicting things to do, but He may give each of you a piece of the puzzle that you fit together as you seek Him.

I hope something in this is helpful.  If not, ignore it.  Just know that I pray for God's wisdom and peace for you in this season of life.
 

This 

is

brilliant and beautiful.

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, StarSailor said:

First, Psalm 46:10  Be Still and Know that I am God.  Maybe next time your husband asks what he can do, you can ask to do this together.  It's hard and hard work to be still and know - but God calls us to do so, intentionally.

Second, what does "rest" mean in the Bible - how and when is that term/concept used?  Even God rested after Creation and not because He physically or mentally had to.  Jesus went away from the crowds to pray.  What is the Sabbath day?  What is the Year of Jubilee?  Are there "seasons" in life?

- I try to remember that if we focus mostly on the doing and service and not on the "be still and know" part, then can we truly serve God?  And if I am so busy doing, am I keeping someone else from doing what God is asking them to do?  

- I had, and still have to often ponder what does it mean to "be still and know" and how do I do that? 

Life is about seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness - my first focus has to be Psalm 46:10 and Luke 1:45.  Out of that all of my life flows.  I must actively be still, know, and seek God.  And I must listen for His voice and follow His path.  Not mine, nor the world's, nor the church's, nor the mission agencies, nor our supporters.  There is wisdom in counselors, but I am responsible and called, first and only, to my relationship with God.  Ie, I am not called to a "life of service", I am called only to a relationship with God.  That must be both primary and only.

 

First of all, thank you so very, very much.  It was very, very helpful.  I appreciate that.

LOL,  yeah, I gave an entire talk on Psalm 46:10 to our ladies a few month ago.  And I was honest with them that I don't do it well, but here is part of it:

As I studied the passage, I discovered that “be still” did not mean what I thought it meant.  I thought it meant we stayed in one place and didn’t move. Instead, the Hebrew word is רָפָה raphah means to “utterly collapse, relax, or abandon.” Scripture often uses this word with another word —hand. You might imagine relaxing a fist or letting go of what you are holding in your hand.3

In seminary, I learned that to understand what a word means in the Bible, you need to look at how it is used in other verses, so here are a couple of places raphah is used:

The Lord will vindicate me;
    your love, Lord, endures forever—
    do not abandon the works of your hands.
Psalm 138:8

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Josh 1:5-6

In both of these examples, God is holding the speaker in His hands. God tells Joshua that he will not let him go. He will not relax his grip on him. The psalmist is asking the same thing: “Please don’t drop me, God!”

I particularly liked this example of the raphah in this scripture:

Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger  and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
Psalm 37:7-8

Now in this example, the word for “be still” is not raphah, but דָּמַם damam, which means to “be silent.” The translators used the word refrain for the word raphah. The word for anger is actually, אַף aph, which means “nose, face, or countenance.” So the image here is that you are so angry at the injustice of the situation that you are tense, your face is scrunched up with anger. In this verse, God is saying we must relax our face and not stew about the situation, as that tends to lead to bad decisions.

So in Psalm 46:10, “be still” would be better translated as relax or let go. The rest of the verse says we should know that He is God and that he will be exalted. So after I relax, I need to take time to acknowledge His sovereignty over everything. Yep, the same exact lesson from the ladies’ Bible study!

[The Governess]

I didn’t have time to read all of the comments, but it sounds like you are an internal processor, an introverted thinker. **There is nothing wrong with this!** But one of the side effects of being this way is that you might have a hard time processing things in the moment, especially when you are stressed, tired, or emotional. You might need to wait until you feel emotionally “safe”, which often involves being alone, before you can put words to/explain your instinctual reactions to things.

IMO, it’s not about “getting better” at being an extroverted processor, it’s about accepting who you are and how you function, and communicating this to your loved ones so they can better understand you and adapt their expectations.

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, StarSailor said:

 

You mentioned the challenges that are very real due to medical constraints:  it's ok to do new things - that is exactly what God asks us to do sometimes.  Your DH was/is a great doctor - I can sense that from your words.  But maybe now God is leading him to use his gifts and abilities in a new way.  Could your DH mentor other young doctors, be a listening ear (especially for young doctors with families), hold Bible studies for those in the medical field, serve on the Board of a mission agency with medical ministries, help train medical missionaries, focus on mentoring so that the next generation of medical missionaries are ready as they step forward?  Is there a new way to use his medical skills and experience and his good people skills (ie, bedside manner) that fits with the reality of life now?

And/or why can't he "go" serve but not do "call" hours?  In other words, just serve a regular 6-8 hour day?  I know it is hard for doctors to do that - they give their all and then some.  But maybe your husband will be the one to help the hospital start a "new" way of volunteering.
 

edited for privacy

Edited May 8 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

28 minutes ago, StarSailor said:

 

Lastly, I have many married friends who say when God starts to lead them in a new way, often one of the couple "sees" that first.  And it feels like they are "out of step".  If God is leading you all in a new way that may be why it feels "off".  That's where the "be still and know" and listen and seek together comes in.  God will not tell you two conflicting things to do, but He may give each of you a piece of the puzzle that you fit together as you seek Him.

I hope something in this is helpful.  If not, ignore it.  Just know that I pray for God's wisdom and peace for you in this season of life.
 

Again, I appreciate so much your words of wisdom.  Very helpful.  You may be right on this last part, but it is so hard to really hear to be honest.   And I will also say that it feels like, the truth is, neither of us can be happy at the same time.  If I did what I truly wanted, it would totally destroy his and vice versa.  

But again, thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  Thank you for coming out of hiding and taking the time.  I really do appreciate it and will reread your words several times. 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, The Governess said:

I didn’t have time to read all of the comments, but it sounds like you are an internal processor, an introverted thinker. **There is nothing wrong with this!** But one of the side effects of being this way is that you might have a hard time processing things in the moment, especially when you are stressed, tired, or emotional. You might need to wait until you feel emotionally “safe”, which often involves being alone, before you can put words to/explain your instinctual reactions to things.

IMO, it’s not about “getting better” at being an extroverted processor, it’s about accepting who you are and how you function, and communicating this to your loved ones so they can better understand you and adapt their expectations.

Interesting...so it isn't about fixing me, but rather explaining?  Never thought of it that way. 

[StarSailor]

Thanks TexasProud for sharing the Hebrew word and meaning for "be still".  You gave me a mental picture to add to my own understanding.  A big blessing - when my word gifts were stripped away God gave me mental visual skills.  So now I have a lovely picture when I see/hear "be still".  Thank you!

I am going to go out on a limb and say I wonder if God is leading you both to a place where your gifts with words and thinking and speaking (in words or in person) will be combined with your husband's people skills and care for others (ie, his healing gifts; may not be surgery, but will bring healing).

I am currently hanging on to another chorus:  God will make a way, where there seems to be no way, through a roadway in the wilderness He will lead you...

Your words also brought to mind Psalm 91, especially vs 1-2.  He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God in whom I trust.  To which my pastor always adds "oh yeah!"

Best thing ever in missionary training was discussions about spiritual warfare.  But what was absolute best about that was it was first prefaced with a deep discussion about what it means to "abide in Christ".

Abandoning ourselves to God, Abiding in Christ... a very foundational thing.  For some it is easy to understand with our hearts and for some it is easy to understand mentally.  The hard part is to understand deeply with both our hearts and minds.

And know that God will never, ever, ask you and your husband to do anything that would destroy the other.  He brought you together, He has and will continue to minister through both of you, both individually and as a couple. 

I am so deeply blessed that the first mission agency I served with modeled, regularly how to pray together, to seek God's answers together, to listen in silence before God together, to wait in listening mode till God said we were done, and then to share and listen to what God had revealed.  And you know what - God does not contradict Himself.  Sometimes one person shared the answer and sometimes each of us had a part.  The key was coming together and truly seeking and listening.  A corporate Be Still and Know.  It was a very powerful experience, always.

Sometimes God speaks so loudly you just know its His answer.  And sometimes He speaks so softly you must listen carefully and seek Him fully.  Definitely not easy.  But as you continue to seek Him He will indeed lead you where to place your next step.  He does not always give more than the next step but I believe deeply that He always answers.  My pastor always said there is two answers to prayer - yes or better.  That so helps my thinking - as I don't like the yes, no, or wait.  Much more positive to frame it as yes (to what we ask) or He has a better answer.  (which may involve waiting)

[annandatje]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

If I did what I truly wanted, it would totally destroy his and vice versa. 

What is it that each of you truly want that would totally destroy the other one?

Edited May 8 by annandatje

[The Governess]

45 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Interesting...so it isn't about fixing me, but rather explaining?  Never thought of it that way. 

We are capable of overcoming our intrinsic natures - but only to an extent.  Extroverted thinking is valued more highly in our society than introverted thinking. So, if you are an introvert, there is a built-in pressure to conform to that, and feelings of guilt when we fall short. Not being able to spontaneously process and put words to feelings/emotions is OKAY. I’ve learned to say, “I’m feeling upset/frustrated right now, but don’t have the words to talk about it yet. Let’s discuss after I’ve had time to think it over.”

Over the years, I’ve developed a pretty good filter. I get quiet when I am upset because, for me, that’s easier than trying to communicate/find words in the middle of an emotional/stressful situation. I will excuse myself from a situation and go somewhere less stimulating. I do try to bring things up again later after I’ve had time to actually process things and the emotions are more distant.

Have you read The Highly Sensitive Person? That book helped me a lot. I no longer feel like I need to be “fixed” for being how I am. My process isn’t flawed, just different.

[SHP]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

He cannot sit still.  And supposedly, when he works outside or does something it helps to lessen his headaches. 

This stood out to me in multiple ways. I was very very active because it helped reduce my pain, including headaches. Up at 4am level and not stopping until I fell asleep. I did work on my parents property, I planted an orchard, put in and maintained a large garden, and so on. I had to move to keep the pain away. This lasted until my recent health issues. I still need to move to not hurt, it is just much harder now that my body say no.

I would suggest he see a doctor but it sounds like he may be too stubborn.

 

 

Edited May 8 by SHP

[SHP]

I am curious why your husband feels the need to be busy taking care of your large property instead of just being busy.

If you all downsized that would free up time and energy to do more direct community work. Working at a soup kitchen, helping with an urban food garden, big brothers and so many other things that will not be as physically demanding but still keep him active and "working".

[HomeAgain]

16 minutes ago, SHP said:

I am curious why your husband feels the need to be busy taking care of your large property instead of just being busy.

If you all downsized that would free up time and energy to do more direct community work. Working at a soup kitchen, helping with an urban food garden, big brothers and so many other things that will not be as physically demanding but still keep him active and "working".

Not to defend, but these are all "go-to"s.  They're things that require planning and driving and not a pick up/put down sort of situation.  I agree that downsizing might be a really good option here, but the outside work needs to be replaced with at home solutions usually for a person to feel comfortable transitioning.

[TexasProud]

46 minutes ago, SHP said:

 

I would suggest he see a doctor but it sounds like he may be too stubborn.

 

 

Oh no.  Ever since his head bleed, he sees a neurologist regularly for his migraines.  He gets botox shots every quarter and takes medication for the frequent break through headaches.  He just saw a pain doc this morning. He has always religiously seen our primary care doc for a checkup every year without fail.  He has already done his colonoscopy twice. His cholesterol has always been super low and he is in perfect health labwise.  A decade ago when he was in the ICU for the bleed, the docs were amazed at how all of his stuff was perfect: no plaque build up at all, bones of a 30 year old, etc.   He is not anti doctor at all. 

[TexasProud]

43 minutes ago, SHP said:

I am curious why your husband feels the need to be busy taking care of your large property instead of just being busy.

If you all downsized that would free up time and energy to do more direct community work. Working at a soup kitchen, helping with an urban food garden, big brothers and so many other things that will not be as physically demanding but still keep him active and "working".

Because he loves it. He loves working out on our place and when we cannot travel, that is what he wants to do.   When he is home, he spends one day a week doing physical labor in the community: building wheelchair ramps, hauling off trash for someone, doing yard work for the disabled, etc. 

But having a farm with cows has been his dream and always will be.  He has already stated he is going straight from here to the grave. He will not move. Period. 

I, on the other hand, will sell this place if he dies before me. Well, unless one of our children want the property, which might be a possibility. 

[TexasProud]

I guess for those of you who think he is some patriarchical...my way or the highway kind of guy.

So far today he has:
Asked me to double check 2 emails to make sure they sound ok.
Asked me if the price we are selling the car to the neighbor is ok.
Asked me if it was ok for him to buy something on Amazon.
Asked me to listen to him talk through his correction for the mistake on the mission order.
Asked me if what what he was thinking of responding to the lawyer's latest email was appropriate.

 

He makes sure that he has my approval on everything. If I say no, it is no and we won't do it. 

But it is wearying.  Sorry @marbel on the other thread, 

Ok, thank you.  Then I won't worry about it.  I just needed someone to tell me it is ok. 

Uh, why? And why would you take my advice anyway?  

Because I am tired of the buck stopping with me.  Because I want the weight to be off of my shoulders.  I just want someone to tell me what to do.  What to worry and not worry about.  Like literally, when you said that, I felt at least a small lift off of my shoulders. 

[prairiewindmomma]

That sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance about everything. Is he also an anxious person? All of us bounce ideas off of our spouses. But where you are expressing weariness over stuff and emotional exhaustion from worry…does that need to be stuff you carry also? If he just handled stuff (amazon orders, phone calls, etc.) and just checked in on the big stuff (like the lawsuit) would it be easier on you? If you’re tired of the buck stopping with you, then talk with your dh about how circumstances are affecting you and see what you can shift.

In our house, I just say stuff like, “My plate is full with xyz right now, can you handle abc (on your own is implied, but I’d expressly state this if this type of discussion is new)?” Dh will give me a status update occasionally, but I know it’s being handled and I dont carry that on my emotional load then.
 

 

 

[marbel]

Yeah no wonder you're weary. He sounds so insecure. I'd go nuts if my husband had to check on me for every little thing. 

Double check emails? OK

Price of car? Whatever you think, babe, I know nothing about car prices

Amazon purchase? We check in on things over a certain $$ limit, otherwise, order what you need

Mistake on the mission order?  Were you involved in the purchase? Can you actually add value to this process? I mean, he made a mistake, does he need you to fix it?  

Lawsuit?  OK, that I would probably discuss in detail

Do you set boundaries with each other, or just own stuff without consulting on everything? 

[TexasProud]

13 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

That sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance about everything. Is he also an anxious person? All of us bounce ideas off of our spouses. But where you are expressing weariness over stuff and emotional exhaustion from worry…does that need to be stuff you carry also? If he just handled stuff (amazon orders, phone calls, etc.) and just checked in on the big stuff (like the lawsuit) would it be easier on you? If you’re tired of the buck stopping with you, then talk with your dh about how circumstances are affecting you and see what you can shift.

In our house, I just say stuff like, “My plate is full with xyz right now, can you handle abc (on your own is implied, but I’d expressly state this if this type of discussion is new)?” Dh will give me a status update occasionally, but I know it’s being handled and I dont carry that on my emotional load then.
 

 

 

Yes, he does need reassurance.  I guess I would feel bad.  He proofread my blogs and proofread every single seminary paper I wrote.  He doesn't need to check his amazon orders with me.  I don't check mine with him.  I don't check hardly anything with him.  I just do it.  

edited for privacy

Edited May 9 by TexasProud