Laura Corin Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Husband, at 67, is seven years older than I. We have been having trouble getting the work done that would improve our house. We moved in in 2020, and a combination of the pandemic and Brexit has stymied things. I've been irritated by this, but I've been sensing something more from Husband, although he hasn't said anything in particular. Today I guessed it. His father was very unwell by his late seventies and both parents needed full-time care by their early eighties. While I'm thinking about flourishing in our empty nest, he's thinking - how long will I be able to enjoy the house? 10 years? The house was deliberately chosen to have all necessary rooms on the entry level and to allow conversion of a suite with an existing separate entrance, so that a student-helper or similar could move in to do difficult chores/keep an eye in the future. Our children are not settled, so moving closer to them makes no sense currently. We are comfortably off, our wills and powers of attorney are up to date, we both have access to our finances and have the ability to manage them. We are taking fun trips now rather than waiting. He has recently addressed some health issues and increased his exercise. His parent's lifestyle was not healthy, so his health span may be longer, if he's lucky. But I think he hears the clock ticking in a way that I don't yet. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice. Maybe just processing out loud. I think I need to talk to him about this, particularly about the intersection of salary/ time/ fulfillment with my current 4-day-a-week job. Does it make more sense to drop to half time to make more space for enjoying these years? We are still in the middle of a reorganisation at work, so it would be a good time to make the change. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) That makes perfect sense. As one is nearing the age of one's own parents' infirmity, or as close, similarly aged friends, pass away, thoughts of mortality inevitably creep up. You sound like you have everything well planned out and made whatever provisions for the future you can. I think you are absolutely right that you need to talk to him about both your visions for the next years, what needs your job fulfills, where it fits into your joint plans. Best of luck for navigating this re-balancing. Edited January 5 by regentrude 17 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Just now, regentrude said: That makes perfect sense. As one is nearing the age of one's own parents' infirmity, or as close, similarly aged friends, pass away, thoughts of mortality inevitably creep up. You sound like you have everything well planned out and made whatever provisions for the future you can. I think you are absolutely right that you need to talks to him about both your visions for the next years, what needs your job fulfills, where it fits into your joint plans. Best of luck for navigating this re-balancing. this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 It makes sense to me too. Idk how healthcare looks there, but I’d push for a checkup if possible. And maybe consider upping anti-inflammatory foods and spices. Or even a few weeks of supplements of ceylon cinnamon, garlic, ginger, and turmeric. Sometimes inflammation makes you feel much older. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 1 minute ago, Katy said: It makes sense to me too. Idk how healthcare looks there, but I’d push for a checkup if possible. And maybe consider upping anti-inflammatory foods and spices. Or even a few weeks of supplements of ceylon cinnamon, garlic, ginger, and turmeric. Sometimes inflammation makes you feel much older. Thanks. He just had both a health check up and a fitness check up, so that's dealt with. He is working on his strength, as his cardio fitness is good. He takes turmeric and - when I cook - eats whole food plant focused with lots of spices, so his diet isn't bad. Winters are hard for him - grew up in Texas, lives in Scotland - but he uses a SAD light and is heading south for a break next week. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasProud Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Absolutely. With both of my parents gone and so many in the generation above us in church dying at a rapid rate, and even a few in our generation, I have been painfully reminded at how little time I have left. I think your plan to talk to him sounds wonderful. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 We're dealing with a similar dynamic here. Dh is also 67 but I'm 13 years younger. He's been amazingly healthy until the past year, when health issues started coming up. Now he feels like he's weaker, gets out of breath easy but doesn't realize he's way ahead of most people his age, including most of his friends. Luckily he is good about going to the doctor and keeping on top of things. You guys are way more on top of things then we are. I do know about all our finances, etc and could handle all of that, our house is very accessible and "age in place" appropriate. We do have life insurance and things set up just in case, but we also have kids still at home, although they are older teens. I'm struggling a little with how to help dh navigate his feelings. His parents both passed in the upper 80's so he doesn't have that pressure, but he's always been strong and energetic, and he's definitely feeling the change. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 I could have almost written your post--I am your age and DH is 13 years older than I am. We bought a house in late 2019. It had many features that we thought would be helpful for us as we aged--no steps to get into house; master on first floor with bath with walk-in shower; and even a guest bed and full-bath on first floor for when my mom visits. The kitchen in the house is miserable and we had plans to redo it, but COVID happened. I am still working but DH is retired. My working constrains some of the travel we would like to do. We would be financially comfortable if I retired, but the extra $ provide for some nice extras. I enjoy my work and if something should happen to DH, I would like to have my work to keep me busy. DH had knee replacement surgery in October and had a number of serious complications, which put all of these issues more front of mind. We have wills in place, but other than that, we don't have a "long-term plan". Will DH need more care than I can reasonably provide in our home, while I am still reasonably healthy? If I have physical problems, how much will DH be able to do? What if one of us has dementia? Or, will we be like the couple across the street who are in their 90s and drive, take care of their home, etc.? We don't see ourselves aging in the same way and at the same pace. Each scenario is different of whether it would make more sense to bring in help in our home, move to a retirement center, one of us move into a care center... DS is living local to us, but has no reason to settle here permanently; DD is living in Europe. We don't know if, and where, we will have grandchildren. We don't know if it would be easier on our kids for us to be here as we age or if there will be some other location that will make things easier on them. I am a planner by nature, so this type of uncertainty is unnerving to me. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Concur with pp who concur with your instinct to talk to him about "it." If he's not an introspective, verbalize-the-feelz kind of guy (my own husband, bless his heart, is decidedly NOT that guy), he may not have a particularly great grasp on what "it" is. So you might need a couple (short, iterative, nicely spaced) rounds rather than a Big Comprehensive Work Out The Solution kind of conference. And IME dealing with what I sometimes-affectionately, sometimes-not call "married to the Western Wall" * , it helps to frame the early rounds as musing, almost casual, questions for curious exploration, rather than with any kind of expectation of actual answers in the moment. * why yes, it IS exasperating at times, thank you for asking 8 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Could it be a sense of age coupled with a reduced feeling of purpose post retirement? Just mentioning that in case your possible conversation with him might should cover that base. Initially I’d say sure, reduce your work time to spend more time doing other things together. But, keep in mind he may need *something* of his own to fulfill that need. Asking because that’s where we currently are wrt my own dh’s looming retirement. I believe he thinks he’s ageless, so it’s not mortality, but repurposing his time that has been large in our conversations. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Work can meet emotional needs as well as financial. You should do the amount that keeps you feeling engaged, happy, and productive. If work is keeping you from doing something you want to do more (things during the day with a spouse, travel, whatever), then trim work. My dh will never retire unless absolutely compelled by life, nor did his father. I plan to keep myself busy and happy. I think it also happens that people retire, thinking it will be magical and romantic, then they get squirrelly and go back to work at least part time, lol. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Dh is ready to retire, and I am just older than him. One day he told me he has 7 years left, comparing with other men in his family. And I'm assuming I have another 8-10 yrs after that, so maybe if he wants to retire and do more traveling in the next few years I should retire at the same time as him. Help him enjoy his last years that he's worked for while he can. I have hobbies that I could finally get to. ( I seem to find it hard to finish cleaning out my folks house and organizing, etc. while I'm still working at least half time with varied hours.) And being available to travel when/where he wants for a few years. He's not one with hobbies to fall back on. I have lots of them to follow up later, if need be. Retirement is sounding better all the time! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 I’m in a similar boat, but am 52; dh is 60. I currently plan to work for several additional years. Money is a reason but also health insurance, pension, a really excellent leave plan (so, not stuck cramming everything into two weeks of PTO a year). Moreover, I *love* being “out in the world,” thinking about important stuff and talking with really smart people who care about their missions. Dh’s robustness is not what it once was. I am not sure how much he has come to terms with that. Working a physical job has taken a toll. He does not come from a line of long-lived men. His father was just a few years off from a terminal diagnosis at dh’s age. He does mention that a lot. Like - a lot. I do feel that more of these things need to lay out on the table, but I’m having difficulty enough just getting him to go to the gosh-darn regular doctor already! He went prior to Covid but never gets around to going back. I think some of it is willful ignorance. It’s hard to really plan for the future because he isn’t cooperating with having even a regular physical, much less some other diagnostics that he really ought to have. He was talking about getting the colonoscopy he was supposed to get when Covid put the kabosh on it but when I said, “I want you to do that, yes, but I don’t think they’re going to do it *now*, until you’ve had another complete physical.” But he won’t make the appointment for that so… 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookbard Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 16 minutes ago, Ginevra said: It’s hard to really plan for the future because he isn’t cooperating with having even a regular physical, much less some other diagnostics that he really ought to have. He was talking about getting the colonoscopy he was supposed to get when Covid put the kabosh on it but when I said, “I want you to do that, yes, but I don’t think they’re going to do it *now*, until you’ve had another complete physical.” But he won’t make the appointment for that so… This is so common and so frustrating. My other half is the same - is supposed to be liaising with a specialist over his kidneys. Cancelled one appt (actually was a no-show!) with a really good Dr. He's feeling fine at the moment, so thinks all is well, but of course it's not that simple. I've been hassling him to get a tetanus shot too. For the most part at this point I try to let it go - it's his life, his health - but it is annoying when it leads to emergency visits and a lot of hassle on my part (and perhaps down the track turning me into a carer when it could be preventable). 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 he can be doing everything right (e.g. appropriate exercise, healthy diet) and still have the niggling paranoia because of his parents. It's doesn't have to be rational. the year dh was 45, was really hard on me because that was the age my father was when he died. It wasn't' rational, and it probably would have benefited me to "talk to someone about it". Dh's much healthier than I am, and most people are short by at least a decade when guessing his age. I fully expect him to live into his 90s, even though his father died in his 50s. (extenuating circumstances) My grandfather had a very serious heart attack at 68. He stopped smoking his pipe, started exercising every day (even if it was just a walk, a bike ride, swimming, etc.) He lived into his 80s, and only the last six months as his health declined did he look "old". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 13 minutes ago, bookbard said: This is so common and so frustrating. My other half is the same - is supposed to be liaising with a specialist over his kidneys. Cancelled one appt (actually was a no-show!) with a really good Dr. He's feeling fine at the moment, so thinks all is well, but of course it's not that simple. I've been hassling him to get a tetanus shot too. For the most part at this point I try to let it go - it's his life, his health - but it is annoying when it leads to emergency visits and a lot of hassle on my part (and perhaps down the track turning me into a carer when it could be preventable). I affects your relationship, and your family. they actually covered this in 2dd's doctoral program. It's also very typically male. Does he really think it's a waste of time and money? or does he see it as 'weakness'? (and if he ignores it, he doesn't have to think about it) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said: I affects your relationship, and your family. they actually covered this in 2dd's doctoral program. It's also very typically male. Does he really think it's a waste of time and money? or does he see it as 'weakness'? (and if he ignores it, he doesn't have to think about it) I think in my guy’s case, it’s a few things: one - he was outstandingly fit and strong in years past and to see actual medical stats on his physical condition would mean facing that that is not as true now; related thing - he doesn’t want to be on daily medication, which will be recommended if any of several things are true; also, I think he just plain does not want to hear suggestions like “get a flu shot,” “eat less saturated fat,” “lose twenty pounds,” etc. I relate to @bookbard’s post because I am concerned about a future need for care because he does not want to face what he could do *today* to mitigate aging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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