How to make yourself do what you know you should do

[Heartstrings]

6 hours ago, TexasProud said:

But what I find myself curious about is why only here? Not anywhere else.

Probably because this board is full of caring people.  You know your posts will get responses.  It's a bit like a teen girl who goes around saying she is so ugly, just so people will correct her and tell her she is, in fact, beautiful.  You know when you post about being lost, or conflicted, or lonely, that people here will rush in to help you feel better.  Its cheaper than therapy for sure. 

[Heartstrings]

I think the real question is, why do you consider participating on this board to be so bad?  We're all here doing it, do you think we are all lazy and unproductive and whatever else you think about yourself for being here? 

 

Hanging out here on the boards is only a problem if you consider it a problem.  Its free time, you get to spend it however you want.  You want to spend it here, there are worst thing things you could be doing.  You aren't doing or selling drugs, or kicking puppies.  

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

 Its cheaper than therapy for sure. 

Cheaper but less effective! 

I'd be cured ten times over if WTM could help shift chronic personality patterns. 

~

I just think it's a shame for OP.  Not only to have such a rigid, self judging attitude to the self, but also to go through these same cycles of inquiry that don't really resolve things. It's a harsh up and down way to live. 

But hey, I'm just procrastinating on my own should, so what do I know!

 

[Ginevra]

8 hours ago, TexasProud said:

But what I find myself curious about is why only here? Not anywhere else.

I think being conflict-avoidant IRL greatly increases the likelihood that a person will start and carry on intense conflict on the internet. It was true for me in the past. My Real life was filled with people who expected me to be meek, silent, “sweet” and godly. But on a message board I could be contrary, I could slather my perceived enemies in my “perfect” arguments. I could show them why they are wrong. That was the dopamine hit for me. 

[prairiewindmomma]

14 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

I think being conflict-avoidant IRL greatly increases the likelihood that a person will start and carry on intense conflict on the internet. It was true for me in the past. My Real life was filled with people who expected me to be meek, silent, “sweet” and godly. But on a message board I could be contrary, I could slather my perceived enemies in my “perfect” arguments. I could show them why they are wrong. That was the dopamine hit for me. 

This....and what's really sad about being caught in tying your self-worth to such legalistic views is that no one is able to be absolutely perfect IRL. So, you're putting up a facade to hide your true self with your legalistic friends, and feeling shame that your real self isn't wonderful while also beating up people online who are basically good people living good lives for not being able to live up to your legalistic views. There's no grace or love in any of it. It's Pharisaical.

[I talk to the trees]

Not exactly what the op is asking for, but I love Kati Morton’s YouTube videos, and here is a link to her most recent podcast. The topic of the first question is pretty similar to what the op is asking. 

[kathyl]

On 7/24/2023 at 3:14 PM, TexasProud said:

I do not need to be on this board.  Another poster is upsetting me.  How do I make myself not be here?

........

I take board breaks periodically.  I just took one for a few days.  Blocking people also helps although I haven't done that in a long time, probably on the older boards.

But it did help me in the past to binge watch things when extremely upset (ex. dropped all 5 kids off at college and drove to dh's job 12 hours away), or in pain, or whatever.  It takes my mind off the thing if only for a short time.

I've been watching the Judge Faith series lately.  I laugh out loud at some of her episodes.  She's from Louisiana and I love her accent and her humor and her approach to her cases.  Reminds me of my relatives.  I also watch the other judge shows (Judy Justice and Tribunal Justice), but they aren't as funny.

 I'm glad you're doing better. 🙂

 

[Kanin]

Is ADHD a possibility? My friend with ADHD describes extreme difficulty starting things. She says she never sits down at home, because she knows if she sits, she'll never get up again to do anything she needs to do. She wants to, but she can't make herself get up.

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, Ginevra said:

I think being conflict-avoidant IRL greatly increases the likelihood that a person will start and carry on intense conflict on the internet. It was true for me in the past. My Real life was filled with people who expected me to be meek, silent, “sweet” and godly. But on a message board I could be contrary, I could slather my perceived enemies in my “perfect” arguments. I could show them why they are wrong. That was the dopamine hit for me. 

I resonate with this.   Sort of. It is more of a safety thing, though, I think. (Not that the people are dangerous, but my past experience of any kind of conflict is.)

[Ginevra]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I resonate with this.   Sort of. It is more of a safety thing, though, I think. (Not that the people are dangerous, but my past experience of any kind of conflict is.)

So was mine. 

[TexasProud]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This....and what's really sad about being caught in tying your self-worth to such legalistic views is that no one is able to be absolutely perfect IRL. So, you're putting up a facade to hide your true self with your legalistic friends, and feeling shame that your real self isn't wonderful while also beating up people online who are basically good people living good lives for not being able to live up to your legalistic views. There's no grace or love in any of it. It's Pharisaical.

Ok, I don't think my friends are legalistic.  I guess you could call me that, although when I think of legalism I think of certain behaviors and mine is more trying to be exactly right:  Young Earth is bad for me, well, not bad but I have no trouble speaking up to people who say you cannot be Christian if you do not believe in young earth.  For me, the "right" belief is that God created it...how and how long ago...  I don't know and I truly believe that is a periphery issue. Doesn't really matter IMO. 

Both extreme right and extreme left views are bad.  I actually have a large tolerance for a variety of views in the middle.  Because there are a lot of issues I do not know the exact right answer to. I see an awful lot of gray.

Also, in real life, I also struggle because most of the time, I can see why the person did the hurtful thing, so I don't have a right to get mad.  On here, I don't know them and I can just be mad. 🙂 

So I would say, don't blame my friends. This is all on me. 

[TexasProud]

3 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

Not exactly what the op is asking for, but I love Kati Morton’s YouTube videos, and here is a link to her most recent podcast. The topic of the first question is pretty similar to what the op is asking. 

Very interesting.  I liked that one. Intellectualizing spoke to me except it feels like all my therapists let me do that and never stopped me like she said she would.

Also, I guess the other thing is that I have never found therapy hard.  Also, I have never found talking about things that happened to me to be hard. I can talk about my parents screaming in the car and making her get out and walk and my pretending to be asleep, being 12 when my best friend and I drove to pick up  her brother (my barely ex-boyfriend) and found him dead at the putt putt gold place because a drunk driver whose had no lisence and 8 previous DUI's drove through the fence, hit him, dragged him 50 feet and killed him. I have more.  They are just facts. I do not get emotional.  They are not hard to talk about. I have never cried in therapy. It isn't hard, but feels like it should be.

I listened to her one about picking as well that she made a couple of weeks ago. I will try some of her suggestions, though not sure they will help.  Her impulse journal idea sounded good, though. 

Thanks for the reference. (I do wish she didn't swear quite so much, but she seems very good.)

[Melissa Louise]

Talking isn't hard. Feeling the emotions while you talk, now that's tough. 

[Rosie_0801]

Accepting truths you don't want to be true is tough.

[Catwoman]

On 7/24/2023 at 7:31 PM, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I would just make another board name. I know..it is against the rules, but I have had like 4 or more names.  Some y'all haven't discovered yet.  I just use them occasionally to keep them current. 

I just noticed this, and I am wondering how you are getting away with using multiple usernames, because it's explicitly against forum rules and I always thought we would be banned if we signed in under different names.

Also, I have to say that I really resent this duplicity on your part. People go out of their way to be sympathetic to you and to help you when you're going through difficult times, and you reward their kindness by sneaking around and posting with secret usernames??? 

I'm sorry, but that's just all kinds of wrong. 

[lauraw4321]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Very interesting.  I liked that one. Intellectualizing spoke to me except it feels like all my therapists let me do that and never stopped me like she said she would.

Also, I guess the other thing is that I have never found therapy hard.  Also, I have never found talking about things that happened to me to be hard. I can talk about my parents screaming in the car and making her get out and walk and my pretending to be asleep, being 12 when my best friend and I drove to pick up  her brother (my barely ex-boyfriend) and found him dead at the putt putt gold place because a drunk driver whose had no lisence and 8 previous DUI's drove through the fence, hit him, dragged him 50 feet and killed him. I have more.  They are just facts. I do not get emotional.  They are not hard to talk about. I have never cried in therapy. It isn't hard, but feels like it should be.

I listened to her one about picking as well that she made a couple of weeks ago. I will try some of her suggestions, though not sure they will help.  Her impulse journal idea sounded good, though. 

Thanks for the reference. (I do wish she didn't swear quite so much, but she seems very good.)

Sounds like you have unprocessed trauma. 

Maybe that should be what you focus on in therapy.

[KSera]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Also, I guess the other thing is that I have never found therapy hard.

I think we’ve already established from your other posts on this that it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any really good therapy. I wouldn’t measure the helpfulness of it on whether it’s hard for you or not though. And when it is hard, that’s frequently nothing to do with talking about past events stuff, but more about wrestling with your own internal beliefs and challenging thinking errors. 

[regentrude]

@TexasProud this book was recommended to me by a (high-achieving driven) loved one who found it very helpful.
I think you might find it thought-provoking and possibly beneficial:
Laziness does not exist by Devon Price

https://www.amazon.com/Laziness-Exist-Devon-Price-Ph-D/dp/1982140119

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Sounds like you have unprocessed trauma. 

Maybe that should be what you focus on in therapy.

Agree.

[WildflowerMom]

Thanks @regentrude for that book suggestion.  It looks great.  
 

texas, a lot of what you wrote I could’ve written, too, except for the hiding certain things.  I’m on meds now and that really lets me not care so much, so I let my dysfunction hang out for everybody to see instead of hiding anything.    Therapy has never worked for me.  I see my past trauma as “it is what it is” and leave it at that.     I’m very unemotional except about my kid.  Otherwise, I just don’t experience the same feelings as other people and I feel weird for it.   I assume it’s a trauma response, tbh.    
 

anywho, I don’t think this board is bad for you.  I think it fills a need where you can really be yourself instead of trying to  fit a box that you’ve put yourself in or other people have.    Plus, we’ve been here so long that a few people are seen as ‘friends’ (at least for me) so it’s a social thing too.   There’s nothing wrong with spending time here.    I use the block button pretty often.  After a while, I take them off block and no one’s the wiser, except me of course.    Learn to use the ignore feature liberally.    It does make a difference.   Anyway, all that to say, I don’t really fit in here, but I don’t fit in anywhere at all, even in my own family.   I just have learned to accept that as fact.  Again, “it is what it is”.   

 

[Scarlett]

I agree that this place is not bad for you @TexasProud. 
 

I too have never had any success with therapy and honestly I think there are just some people that it never helps.  
 

I believe you have the capacity for self reflection….and I think that is what you do a lot of here.  It is also why you have such high conflict off and on here….because it is painful to self reflect.

You are a really good person, and yet you also have some disordered thinking. 
 

I asked you earlier what you get out of creating new names.  I don’t really think it is for purpose of coming in and telling someone off.  I think you always think you will begin fresh with the board, but as soon as you reveal any of yourself at all, many of us recognize you.  You don’t have to hide yourself from us.  Some of us who have been around a while probably know you better than your family and certainly better than your therapist. 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I believe you have the capacity for self reflection….and I think that is what you do a lot of here.  It is also why you have such high conflict off and on here….because it is painful to self reflect.

... and, at some point, it also becomes unproductive.

Exploring the roots and why's of behavior through introspection and talking may, in some cases, not create the desired change. That's why some therapeutic approaches eschew deep analysis and instead focus on providing tools for changing behavior going forward. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

... and, at some point, it also becomes unproductive.

Exploring the roots and why's of behavior through introspection and talking may, in some cases, not create the desired change. That's why some therapeutic approaches eschew deep analysis and instead focus on providing tools for changing behavior going forward. 

 

Well yes of course if it is not productive then change direction.  But I fear she thinks it is not productive because it is painful.  And she might be calling the pain laziness which it isn’t. 
 

I feel like most of what I know about relationships I learned from this board and one other about marriage.  

[kathyl]

38 minutes ago, regentrude said:

... and, at some point, it also becomes unproductive.

Exploring the roots and why's of behavior through introspection and talking may, in some cases, not create the desired change. That's why some therapeutic approaches eschew deep analysis and instead focus on providing tools for changing behavior going forward. 

 

This is so true. 

I was grown, 20's, before I began counseling.  I already knew the roots and the why's.  What I really wanted was someone to help me figure out how to deal with a few people in my life who were out of the scope of people I'd ever dealt with in my life.  I must have gone through 4 or 5 different therapists (saw them briefly because I could tell when they were headed in the 'tell me about your childhood' direction and I moved on) ... before I found someone who was actually helpful and willing to explain the kinds of people I was having to deal with at that time.