I don't think I have any 'umph' left.

[RhondaM.]

This is my 9th year to homeschool. And I have tried my very, very best...even when I felt my best wasn't good enough.

 

I'm not ready to quit or throw in the towel or send them to public school...yet right this minute I don't feel like I can walk another single step.

 

I've had it. It isn't my kids. It is just life.

 

Mostof you have heard my story.

 

I suffered from major burnout in April....partly due to depression over my parents failing health. I shelved all our schoolbooks that month, promised to get started early in the fall.

 

My dad died in May.

 

I started taking on a bit more of my mother's care after that. (She had alztheimer's disease.)

 

Went to CA over the summer (dh had a job to do there that was to last from June until November.). Took all school supplies intending to get started. Except for writing everything was a wash.

 

Found out I had breast cancer in September.

 

Came back home in early October to deal with that but dh had to go back to CA to finish job. I suffered major depression for about 2 weeks then got over myself. :tongue_smilie:

 

Then dh got back, it was Thanksgiving and MD Anderson finally got me started on all my test.

 

Then my mom died a couple of weeks ago.

 

Now it is Christmas.

 

I have a few more doctor appointments and then I'll have surgery January 23rd.

 

I was planning on having just a bilateral mastectomy and delaying reconstruction until this summer. But I've ended up changing to a different hospital for my surgery in order to have better breast and plastic surgeons so I'll have my reconstruction done right then and there.

 

It is a 8-12 hr surgery. Called a DIEP for anyone interested. They take my abdominal fat and skin and rebuild my breast with it. One day in ICU. 4 more days in the hospital. ***Recovery is 6 weeks!!!***

 

By the time I get healed form it it will just just about be time for the 2nd stage of this surgery...though i don't think it will require much more than a week or so of recovery.

 

And then of course I am supposed to help go through my paren't things so that the house can be sold...it has to be sold in 6 months or something..not real clear on the arrangements my father made.

 

And of course there are other things going on...problems with my teenager...my husband with 3 herniated disks (and more back problems) + pain meds that leave him not quite himself.

 

It just goes on and on and on..

 

Please tell me what I am supposed to do or how I am supposed to continue this year?

 

I am so tired. I just want to go hide somewhere for awhile. I don't want to have to think about school...or math or history or writing...I don't have the energy right now to tell my klids to get OFF the freaking video games and read a book.

 

And get this...come January I am supposed to help one of my best friends with her 9th grader. She pulled her kid out of school and I told her I'd help. I told her I'd help???!!! Will somebody slap me?

 

I do not want to put my kids in public school. Not this year or next or any other year.

 

I just wish someone like the Flylady of homeschool would show up at my door with a planner in her hand and take over for awhile.

 

I feel like an utter failure.

[King's Kid]

You are NOT a failure! You have been through a great deal in your life lately -- loss of your parents and health problems -- and I'd like to enourage you to go easier on yourself. I'm not on these boards much, but your post caught my eye and I want you to know that I will pray for you.

 

I hope you get some good suggestions for how you can get a break from homeschooling responsibilities.

[bumbledeb]

:grouphug:PM'd you.

[Julie in Austin]

Wow, you've been through a lot. I hope you are gentle on yourself.

 

I would suggest that it is time for self-teaching things, where you can be minimally involved but the kids can get something done without you. I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm thinking SOS, TT, Rosetta Stone, etc.

[Pamela H in Texas]

You have been through SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo much. I would give yourself a break. You don't need to "get over yourself" imo.

 

As for the kids, can you choose something largely self-teaching, stick with the basics? That way they are progressing though not ideally, possibly, but you never know actually. For us, using a program from Oct of last year til now (we're stopping the program now) was best and we never would have known it if it weren't for a crisis!

 

But do be kind to yourself!

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, my, Rhonda, you are so NOT a failure! You are carrying a huge load!!!

 

If I were you, I'd order Calvert or sign up for the BJU online school or SOMETHING for the spring semester. Seriously. Then, I would re-evaluate later.

 

Seriously, you need to focus on your recovery.

 

I am in awe that you are even on your feet at all through all this. Please be kind to yourself--you are going through SO much, so courageously.

[RhondaM.]

Thanks everyone.

Ok..honestly I know I'm not a failure. This is a hard year. Everyone keeps telling me I'm strong. But I'm not. Inside I am this big blubbering MESS. Going to church is the hardest. Everyone is too kind. They say they are sorry about my mom. They ask polite concearned questions about my upcoming surgery. They ask me if I am feeling ok. And I have to put on this bright smile and sincerely tell them how very much 'ok' I am because if I don't I will literally fall apart ..the crying will start and I won't be able to stop.

 

A few days before my mom died I had a mammogram. I've had them before. Uncomfortable but no big deal. But I was close to 'that time' and I guess they were more tender than I realized...and after awhile the lump started to hurt. And she just kept taking more and more pictures and I kept thinking about my mom and then then the mammograms became so painful I literally could not speak. All I could do was want my mom and I started crying. And the lady thought I was crying because it hurt. And everytime i tried to tell her the real reason I was so upset the words would not come out, So I sat there feeling like an utter fool crying.

 

After my mom died...but before her funeral I had a doctors appointment for an ultrasound. I could not put it off. After my ultrasound the doctor left the room telling me she'd be back. A minute later several people rushed in the room and started preparing it. They were preparing me for a biopsy. I don't know why the doctor hadn't told me she'd need to have one done. But she didn't.

 

I just burst into tears. Looked like a huge fool again. Felt like a fool. Wanted the floor to swallow me up.

 

So...nope. I'm not courageous. I'm being swept along by a tide I cannot control.

 

Even my hormones..oh God...I'm having my 2nd cycle this month. I'm wondering how many more I can manage to churn our before surgery. MD Anderson wants to check me for problems in that area. And they want me to have genetic testing since I've had cancer twice already and I'm only 44.

 

And school...honestly...even a planned curriculum like Calvert seems like too much. Anything that requires me to tell the kids to open a book is too much.

 

I have a couple of good friends and family members...but they are so caught up in their own lives and problems that they are literally unavailable. And the others see my smiling face at church and think I don't need anything. I just don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry...see...like I said..once I get started I can't seem to stop.

[East Coast Sue]

Please take a chance and confide in your friends from church. Give them a chance to help you with homeschooling or housework or something... You have to let them know so that they can help- they probably have no idea.

 

I will pray for you.

 

Susan

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I could drive to your house right this minute and hug you and simply let you cry.

 

Please don't feel foolish about bursting into tears at your doctors' appointments, etc. You are just at the breaking point. They might not understand, but get stubborn about not caring about that. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

If asking your children to open a book is overwhelming, then put them in school for a semester. No one will die. It will not mean you are a failure. Seriously. What does your husband think about all of this? Is he supporting you?

 

And seriously, you need some kind of support system. A counselor to help you work through things. Friends who will bring you food. Friends who will go to the store for you. Now would be the time to rally all of the troops you can. And, please, vent here, either in in posts or private messages. There are a lot of caring people here.

 

I care. I wish I didn't live so far away from you. (You are in TX, right?) WHATEVER you need to do to cope with all of this, just do it, even if you feel foolish, silly, overreactionary, a failure, whatever. Don't listen to those voices. You do what you need to do to simply get through this time with grace. (And yes, you have shown grace.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RhondaM.]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I could drive to your house right this minute and hug you and simply let you cry.

 

I'm crying now. can't seem to help it. I think I just might as well admit it. I'm depressed. The only thing I can seem to do is walk aimlessly around the house trying to keep it clean and eat. And eat. And eat. When I'm not crying. Or fussing at my teenager who seems to have major teen angst at the time I need him most to be mature and helpful.

 

I can't put the kids in school. My oldest struggles...and it would be a huge disaster. Literally more stress and worry.

 

My younger two really are ok. They love to read, enjoy writing...and I think they are ok.

 

I think more than anything I need them here with me...not away from me. The only thing that sounds any good at all is curling up in the bed with my kids and reading and reading and reading...

 

My husband is supporting me. He helps me with the kids and is with me for every doctors appointment. He is the kindest man. I don't know what I'd do without him. But even HE thinks I'm strong. HA! Got him fooled.

 

And seriously, you need some kind of support system. A counselor to help you work through things. Friends who will bring you food. Friends who will go to the store for you. Now would be the time to rally all of the troops you can. And, please, vent here, either in in posts or private messages. There are a lot of caring people here.

 

You are right. But it isn't going to happen. There are no troops. But thanks for letting me vent here. I really need it at times.

 

I care. I wish I didn't live so far away from you. (You are in TX, right?) WHATEVER you need to do to cope with all of this, just do it, even if you feel foolish, silly, overreactionary, a failure, whatever. Don't listen to those voices. You do what you need to do to simply get through this time with grace. (And yes, you have shown grace.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thanks so much. Oh darn...kindness really really makes me fall apart.

Thank you.

[WTMCassandra]

Please go ahead and cry if you need to. Bottling it up will not make you stronger.

 

OK, if it won't work to put your children in school, then don't. If lying in bed with them and reading and reading sounds good, then do that. It will be fine.

 

Can you have a heart-to-heart with your teen and ask for help and support? Perhaps your teen is really scared about you and acting out. Could you outline specific ways he can help? Men like to feel useful ; ). Also, what kind of schooling would he thrive with? Maybe you and he could brainstorm together about how to handle the next few months.

 

I'm most sorry that you feel you don't have any support system. I've had tough times when I felt that I had no one to turn to either. Sometimes it was really true, and sometimes it was my pride that didn't want to ask someone and be vulnerable--they might say no. Only you can tell which of those is true for you. But I would dig deep and ask for help if it were at all possible.

 

Well, I think I've said enough in the advice department. I don't want to pile on any more bricks to your teetering load.

 

I mostly want to just be there and affirm that it's OK to cry and not to be OK sometimes.

 

I do "get" how kindness makes you fall apart. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be holding things together by a thread and one kind word would make everything fly apart, and it was under vastly easier circumstances than you are facing. But sometimes falling apart is the beginning to being able to pick up the pieces.

 

Please give yourself permission to feel your pain. The pain is genuine and understandable and needs to be felt.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RhondaM.]

Can you have a heart-to-heart with your teen and ask for help and support? Perhaps your teen is really scared about you and acting out. Could you outline specific ways he can help? Men like to feel useful ; ). Also, what kind of schooling would he thrive with? Maybe you and he could brainstorm together about how to handle the next few months.

 

 

My teen is part of the reason I am so stressed and depressed. He is literally being torn between two worlds right now, trying to decide if he even wants to live for God. It is very painful and I'm afraid for him.

 

For two years I've tried brainstorming ways with him to find a type of schooling he will thrive on. He wants no part of it. He does what he has to and nothing more.

 

And so it goes...

 

I'm sorry. There are positives in my life. I can see them and I am so very thankful for them. My pains and problems seem so small compared to so many others. I can get through this. I just have to hang on for the ride. I am sure that when it comes to an end I'll have more strength, a little less pride and hopefully more kiindness and helpfullness to others than what I have shown in the past.

 

But thanks again for letting me vent and cry and feel ok about it.

[WTMCassandra]

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that your teen's issues were so ongoing. I will pray that you can weather all of these storms.

 

Cry and vent all you need to.

[kalanamak]

T

 

I feel like an utter failure.

 

In your situation, one foot in front of the other is victory.

 

These things, too, shall pass.

:grouphug:

[sassenach]

You are not a failure. At. All.

 

For starters, tell your friend that you are so sorry, but she's going to have to fly on her own. She can do it. You shouldn't. If she's any sort of friend, she'll understand.

 

Do you have any homeschooling friends that can take on your kids, even if it's half time?

[WTMCassandra]

In your situation, one foot in front of the other is victory.

 

:iagree:

[sassenach]

And the others see my smiling face at church and think I don't need anything. I just don't know what to do.

/QUOTE]

 

I just went back and read all of your responses. I have a small action plan for you. It's not going to address everything, but it's something you need to do.

 

Tomorrow, find one person, take him or her aside, and lose it. Cry, let it all out. Tell them everything you are sharing here. Do not fake a smile. Do not say that you are doing ok. Pray for God's direction to the right person. Whether it be someone you know, someone you don't, an acquaintance, an elder, the pastor, whoever! I am going to pray for you right now, and I promise to pray for you tomorrow. My prayer is that God shows you the right person. You cannot and should not be doing this all on your own. And I don't think you'll have to, if you share your burden with the church. Please do this, I'll be praying for you!!

[angela in ohio]

I have a couple of good friends and family members...but they are so caught up in their own lives and problems that they are literally unavailable. And the others see my smiling face at church and think I don't need anything. I just don't know what to do.

 

Tell them you need help. Tomorrow. Tell several people specific things they can do to help you, and ask a few more to be "on hold" for when you need to talk. Pray to find the right people before you go to church, and God will lead you to people who want to help you. You are in a serious situation - cancer, two deaths recently - you have every right to need help right now. That is what a church family is for.

[WTMCassandra]

Yes, I think this is a good idea.

[Sharon in SC]

This is my 9th year to homeschool. And I have tried my very, very best...even when I felt my best wasn't good enough.

 

I'm not ready to quit or throw in the towel or send them to public school...yet right this minute I don't feel like I can walk another single step.

 

I've had it. It isn't my kids. It is just life.

 

Mostof you have heard my story.

 

I suffered from major burnout in April....partly due to depression over my parents failing health. I shelved all our schoolbooks that month, promised to get started early in the fall.

 

My dad died in May.

 

I started taking on a bit more of my mother's care after that. (She had alztheimer's disease.)

 

Went to CA over the summer (dh had a job to do there that was to last from June until November.). Took all school supplies intending to get started. Except for writing everything was a wash.

 

Found out I had breast cancer in September.

 

Came back home in early October to deal with that but dh had to go back to CA to finish job. I suffered major depression for about 2 weeks then got over myself. :tongue_smilie:

 

Then dh got back, it was Thanksgiving and MD Anderson finally got me started on all my test.

 

Then my mom died a couple of weeks ago.

 

Now it is Christmas.

 

I have a few more doctor appointments and then I'll have surgery January 23rd.

 

I was planning on having just a bilateral mastectomy and delaying reconstruction until this summer. But I've ended up changing to a different hospital for my surgery in order to have better breast and plastic surgeons so I'll have my reconstruction done right then and there.

 

It is a 8-12 hr surgery. Called a DIEP for anyone interested. They take my abdominal fat and skin and rebuild my breast with it. One day in ICU. 4 more days in the hospital. ***Recovery is 6 weeks!!!***

 

By the time I get healed form it it will just just about be time for the 2nd stage of this surgery...though i don't think it will require much more than a week or so of recovery.

 

And then of course I am supposed to help go through my paren't things so that the house can be sold...it has to be sold in 6 months or something..not real clear on the arrangements my father made.

 

And of course there are other things going on...problems with my teenager...my husband with 3 herniated disks (and more back problems) + pain meds that leave him not quite himself.

 

It just goes on and on and on..

 

Please tell me what I am supposed to do or how I am supposed to continue this year?

 

I am so tired. I just want to go hide somewhere for awhile. I don't want to have to think about school...or math or history or writing...I don't have the energy right now to tell my klids to get OFF the freaking video games and read a book.

 

And get this...come January I am supposed to help one of my best friends with her 9th grader. She pulled her kid out of school and I told her I'd help. I told her I'd help???!!! Will somebody slap me?

 

I do not want to put my kids in public school. Not this year or next or any other year.

 

I just wish someone like the Flylady of homeschool would show up at my door with a planner in her hand and take over for awhile.

 

I feel like an utter failure.

 

Oh, Rhonda. :grouphug: My eyes have welled with tears in reading your post. Please know you REMAIN in my DAILY prayers! You do not walk this journey alone. "Father, undergird Rhonda right now by Your righteous right hand. May Your Kingdom purposes be established in her life and in the lives of her family on earth as they stand in heaven. In the name of Jesus."

[melissel]

Oh Rhonda, Rhonda, my heart is just breaking for you. I just wish I were closer to you too. You've gotten good advice here, so I don't really have anything to add, but you've been in my thoughts these past few months. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RhondaM.]

Tell them you need help. Tomorrow. Tell several people specific things they can do to help you, and ask a few more to be "on hold" for when you need to talk. Pray to find the right people before you go to church, and God will lead you to people who want to help you. You are in a serious situation - cancer, two deaths recently - you have every right to need help right now. That is what a church family is for.

 

I don't even know what I'd ask anyone to 'do'. I'm fine with keeping things clean. I do that without thinking. And my kids help in that department pretty much anyway.

 

They are also good at taking care of themselves because they are older.

 

Meals are no problem. Getting to the grocery store is no problem.

 

I just can't wrap my brain around anything that involves thinking or planning. The only thing I need help with is school...and just being there.

 

If my kids were younger I'd do what you guys are suggesting.

 

Thanks though,

[Tree House Academy]

I have read your posts since around the time you found out you had beast cancer. Let me tell you, as someone who is a total hypochondriac and fears every medical issue known to man, you are a great source of strength in my eyes. I see how tough you are...how your posts do not always center on yourself, how you have gone on with life even in the face of uncertainity. You are a strong, strong woman! And I want you to know and remember that!

 

You have to remember that your teen is going through this with you. He/she lost grandparents and is porbably worried too about mom and mom's upcoming surgery. There comes a time in life when school is NOT the most important thing. Right now is one such time. If I were in your position, I wouldn't worry about school right now. Do what you can, the rest, just live! School will get back on track. Right now, it is your turn to need your family rather than the other way around.

 

You are in my prayers and have been for a long time now. (((HUGS)))

[angela in ohio]

I just can't wrap my brain around anything that involves thinking or planning. The only thing I need help with is school...and just being there.

 

 

Why can't they help with the school work?

 

Or if they took over some meals for you, it would give you more time to do school.

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug:

I'm SO sorry that you're going through this! It's a journey no one would sign up for...I've had lots of very close family go through similar and I feel lots for you!

Make your life as simple as possible...realize kids can do (and want to do) more than you think they can....

And...talking about you and all of the family life situations is much more important for their total health than school...not that school isn't important.

I'm sure that your friend is going to realize that you need to be helped..more than help right now....

I'm SOSOSOSOSO sorry...and I wish that we were close...cuz even though I don't know you...I'd be there :crying: :sad:

I can't wait for the day when you post that you've made it through and tell us good things about how it went.....

Till then...keep the board posted...I'm pretty sure everyone feels for you!

Carrie :-)

[The Governess]

:grouphug: :grouphug: You have been through more this year than some people will have to go through in a lifetime, and WAY more than I've been through in my entire life so far. My heart breaks for your situation.

 

If you are scared of losing it at church by letting down your guard, can you at least write your pastor an email and explain your situation? Maybe another homeschooling parent would be willing to stop by for a couple hours a day to work with your kids, or put lesson plans together for you each weekend, or review schoolwork.....And even if you CAN get to the grocery store, and keep the house clean, you will need help during those 6 weeks that you are recovering from your surgery. People need to take care of each other, but they can only do it when they know what needs to be taken care of. It always breaks my heart when people suffer silently.

 

I will be praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[RhondaM.]

Thanks everyone so much for all your hugs and prayers and suggestions. Thanks for just letting me cry and feel sorry for myself. Every time I get upset around here my dh looks all worried and asked, "What's wrong?" And I just get so tired of telling him that nothing new is wrong...just that at times it seems that everything is wrong.

 

It does not help that out of 20 days this month my cycle has taken up half of those days. I went to bed last night shortly after posting. My blood preassure I think was 107 over 70. Dh said that was low..even for me. I don't have a clue about the numbers....but I think it all (cycle and bp) must have been why I was feeling so upset last night.

 

There is a really sweet lady who lives down the road from me who took my place of helping my mom when I was in CA. I am going to call her and see if she can help me some.

 

I am also going to contact a friend I made in my homeschool support group and see if she has any ideas of anyone who might help me with school.

 

And there are two teacher's at my church. (1st and 2nd grade teachers) They both live very near me. The only problem is that both of them have new babies...I think the oldest is about 6 months old. I really hesitate to ask either of them...but it is a thought. I also have another older teacher friend of mine with no little ones.

 

Maybe after the holidays...or at least after my surgery I can get them to help me out. I really feel doubtful about it though.

 

In 2000 I found that I had renal cell carcinoma. I had my left kidney taken out. They cut me from my side almost to my navel. I had one person...a kid ...who came and helped me a little with my two little ones while my dh was at work...(pre-k and 2nd grader) and that was it. No meals, no other help from anyone. Not from family or friends. And it was a VERY painful surgery.

 

I really don't expect things to be any different this time. I survived last time. I will this time. I just need to cry about everything sometimes. Thanks for letting me.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Big, big hug.:grouphug:

 

I don't know what your state options are for homeschooling, but a virtual school or dvd program would lift much of the planning and daily work from your shoulders. My oldest is using the A Beka DVD Academy this year. It really freed me up to work with my ds. I'm not suggesting this is the answer you need, but a change to a homeschool program that requires little or no planning might be a good option for a while if the other teachers aren't able.

 

Sending prayers your way.:grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

Rhonda, many, many hugs to you :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I've only been through a little smidgen of what you've been through. I've had to take care of my FIL who was critically ill for about 1/3 of the past 2 yrs (my husband works and has a poor relationship with his dad so 98% of his care falls on me). Anyhow after just a couple yrs of this while also trying to homeschool well, I felt myself slipping. I was really tired for about 3 months, then I really think I became a depressed/irritable/major pms'ing woman.

 

All this to say, I can identify only with a portion of what you've been through and it's hard!

 

Allow yourself time to cry, time to stay in bed a few days. Consider it part of your healing. I truly believe, pent up feelings and stress can affect our health, and your body needs rest, and love.

 

If your children's education slipping by causes you stress, I would recommend handing it over to someone else for this short time while you go through surgeries and recovery. Handing it over could mean they answer to your husband for daily assignments. He checks to be sure they're done and deals with things that are incomplete. Or, it could be that they do some sort of video school -Abeka or BJU. If you don't want that type of delivery there are classes you can start at anytime such as K12 or Keystone if they're in high school. Oak Meadow may be a good gentle option for any age. I believe they have an option where a teacher oversees the work, which would remove you and the kids would have a gentle curriculum that they may need now too, I'm sure they're scared and stressed too.

 

Be good to yourself, allow others to help and serve you, even if this means calling your church for help or asking your kids to do more than usual.

 

Oh, somethings I've tried to help with the depression are:

get 20-30 minutes of sunlight/day~no sunglasses your eyes need to absorb the vit D (at least that's what I read)

 

Yoga or walking almost everyday

 

Magnesium 250 mg prior to bed

 

Super B-complex by Spring Valley Natural contains Vit c, B1,2,3,6 &12 1/day

 

1gm Omega 3 Fish Oil per day (I think this and the sunlight help most)

 

Many, many blessings to you,