Teens up in the middle of the night...

[BMW]

Okay, I'm pretty relaxed as a parent... but I think I need to have some defined rules and stick to them with my teens.

 

I am having a difficult time getting my teens to obey a bed time. I don't give them a set one, generally, so that they can get homework done and study. But, now the 15 and 16 year old are staying up later and later and I get woke up and now I wonder if I've done the right thing in not enforcing a regular bed time. The 16 yr. old has a part time job, pays for her own phone and service and uses internet and phone at all hours. I know who she is talking to and I can view her history at any time on her computer and none of it is negative... but, I have 6 more children right on her heels and I don't believe they will all make the same decent choices as this one and I don't want to have to back track and make up all new rules.

 

So, the 16yog asks why she should be punished because later her brothers might not behave as nicely as she does... I don't think 1am is an appropriate time for her to be online alone even if I do see her history... and I don't think she needs to talk with friends that late, either. She says that she gets insomnia and can't sleep.

 

What are your household rules for bedtimes and teens? What about phone calls? My parents were strict. I had to have lights off by 10pm. I didn't have a cell phone and our household line was in the living room and I wasn't allowed on the phone for more than 10 minutes, usually. And never late at night. I went to bed and went to sleep.

 

What do you think is a good approach for setting down the rules when I haven't been doing that? We had lots of strict rules prior to my divorce. I know that my lack of rules really bothers my new dh. I'd love to get feedback. I am thinking no internet after 11pm, no phone after that time, either, and that if she has insomnia, she can sip a sleepy time tea and read... And that is a rule that I think most teens should be willing to follow... Shoot, I'm the parent, right? If teens don't want to follow the rule... then what? Sorry, I am not good at teens...

[mamaof2andtwins]

My oldest is only 14 (closing in on 15), and this doesn't seem to be an issue for us. I am the only one in the house with a cell phone. My kids don't see the point of them for their ages.

 

I think the bottom line for me is this. Unless the child is paying for themselves (food, utilities, a rent close to that of a real apartment) and are over 18, they must abide by the rules we have established. If you establish rules then they need to abide by them. Of course, you need to have a lot of discussions with teens.

 

Our basic rule is that you need to be upstairs by 9 PM on a school night. I do tell the younger ones when to turn their lights out. I never tell my son because it is just not a problem. Teens should not be on line in the middle of the night. They are not adults. She needs to understand your role as a parent. Just because she can do something doesn't mean that it is a good thing to do. Ultimately, we want our teens to police themselves, but in the mean time we need to do it.

 

Tell her to read a book if she can't sleep.

 

Best wishes,

Jennie

[tinag]

We are pretty much in the same boat as you. My 17 and 15yo were staying up later and later. My dh just told them bedtime at 11. If they can't sleep they can stay up and read. No cell phone or computer after 11. It is working out so far.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Our wireless router has been programmed to deny online access for all computers at 10pm (with the exception of mom and dad's). I would not allow telephone/cell phone calls past 10 on weekdays and 12 on weekends.

 

But that's just me and I only have 10 & 12 yo's.

 

K

[KatieJ]

Because you are the parent and you get to set the rules. If you are uncomfortable with the current situation, only you can change it.

She may be making good decisions now, and she may always do that, but yes you are setting a precident in your household and that needs to factor into your decisions now.

You know what you need to do...you hereby have permission to do it!

 

:grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

All this teen stuff confuses me. When I was a teenager, I went to bed at 10 pm and went to sleep. I got up at the crack of dawn to catch a school bus. I was not sleep-deprived. I also did not have enticements to make me want to stay awake -- there were no cell phones, video game consoles, iPods, and computers, and our t.v. was an small black & white one that did not get cable because there wasn't any cable back then. My choice was between sleeping and watching The Tonight Show (Johnny Carson). There was no way my mother would have let us watch late night t.v. anyway because the sound would have kept her awake.

 

Now doctors say, and reputable studies show, that teens have a different circadian rhythm and this early bedtime-early awakening cycle makes them sleep-deprived because they cannot go to sleep earlier than around 11 p.m. I acknowledge that this may be true, but it does not mean my kids may stay up half the night and do whatever they please. Plus, IMO, a large part of the problem is that my kids don't do much physical work that would exhaust their bodies. The rest of the problem is that there are so many enticements which encourage kids to stay awake to partake of them.

 

My kids have set bedtimes. They are apt to stay up half the night on the computer, so I put parental controls on it so that the computers go off at a certain time.

 

Two of them are getting cell phones for Christmas, which will be charged each night in my bedroom, along with their iPods. These aren't transistor radio upgrades after all - the kids can watch t.v. shows on them, and on some of them, they can go online. Laptops also go in my room, along with the portable dvd player.

 

In my opinion, using electronics (including game consoles, computers, and televisions) right before bedtime is a guaranteed way to keep someone revved up. So an hour before bedtime, I make sure all electronics are turned off.

 

One of my kids says he cannot go to sleep earlier than around 2 a.m., so he takes melatonin every night.

 

Two of my kids go to PS and they have to get up at 6:15 a.m. to get ready for school. They must be in bed by 10 p.m. They can read if they like. They know the consequence of staying awake too late is that they will be tired, especially since I no longer allow naps in the afternoon.

 

Two of my kids are homeschooled, and I let them sleep until 10. Their bedtime is midnight, at the very latest. As they pointed out to me, there is no reason for them to have to get up at the crack of dawn with their siblings. They want to sleep until 1 or 2 p.m., but that messes up our family's schedule too much. This is our compromise. I'm usually asleep by midnight, so if they stay up later than midnight, that's too bad because I haul their buttinskys out of bed anyway. If they roll over to go back to sleep, I sing to them, loudly and off-key. If that fails, I dump cold water on them. They will get out of bed pronto, or else!

 

The key, for me, is that I fixed all the electronic equipment so that it is inaccessible to the kids after DH and I go to sleep. Plus, if one of my boys keeps another awake so he will have company in the middle of the night, the one who wants company gets to take out the garbage or do other chores for the kid who was kept awake.

 

My phone call rule is simple: No calls between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m., unless it is an urgent matter, as I define urgent. The one exception: Our family lives far away, and we have free cell phone use after 9 p.m., so anyone may call a relative long-distance between 9 p.m. and 10 p.m. during the week.

 

I will reconsider our rules when and if circumstances occur which require it.

 

As far as computer history is concerned, individual items in the history can be deleted to circumvent a parent discovering that a teenager has been somewhere on the web that the parent doesn't want him to be.

 

RC

Edited December 19, 2008 by RoughCollie

[Tabrett]

I have a 14yo with her own computer and cell phone. I think 11pm on school nights is very reasonable. Now that my dd is in public school and has to get up at 6am, it isn't that hard to get her to sleep at 11pm. I don't mind 12 or 1 on weekends to be on the phone or computer. I think I'm pretty permissive so, what you are asking is not much IMO. I too have younger ones looking up to her, but they are so much younger that I don't think they will remember very much about their "big sissy" when she lived at home.

[Peela]

Having similar issues here with dd14. She sleeps on the bottom floor of our house, the rest of us sleep on the top floor (only way she can get her own room). She started sneaking her laptop into her room at night- we noticed and stopped that. She cant get phone reception in her room- at least, she keeps saying that but every now and then it will work! She has been going to bed later and later- and sleeping in longer and longer, then forgetting to do her chores- so last night I sent her to bed at 9pm. Ds13 was reading and decided to be a detective and went and checked on her at 10pm (when he shoudl have been asleep himself). She was watching tv in her bedroom. Duh, we didnt think of that, since none of us really watch TV much! So the TV (which was only placed there for ocasional use and doesnt get good reception anyway- we didnt realise she actually watched it! ) came up to the school room today.

 

I am finding it a challenge, myself. The rest of us are early risers. She stays up late then wants to sleep in. So when we are doing morning chores- dishes, tidying, etc- she is still asleep. We have started waking her up by 7 or 8 am to try to get her into a better pattern- she is resisting.

It wasnt really an issue when I was a teen because I had to be up early for school- it was ok to sleep in on weekends, but I didnt, much- I valued my sleep and tended to go to bed early anyway.

 

We find it irritating that she sleeps in late when the rest of us are up, and then she slowly, slowly, has a shower and gets dressed then meanders into the kitchen- after its all cleaned up after our breakfast etc. Then we are moving on with our day and she hasnt done her chores, and she forgets.

 

I dont have an answer. Our gut feeling is to get her up at a reasonable time- it is harder to enforce her bedtime because she locks herself in her bedroom. I guess we are jsut living this one out, and I will tell you in 10 years time if i feel we handled it well!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Okay, I'm pretty relaxed as a parent... but I think I need to have some defined rules and stick to them with my teens.

 

I am having a difficult time getting my teens to obey a bed time. I don't give them a set one, generally, so that they can get homework done and study. But, now the 15 and 16 year old are staying up later and later and I get woke up and now I wonder if I've done the right thing in not enforcing a regular bed time. The 16 yr. old has a part time job, pays for her own phone and service and uses internet and phone at all hours. I know who she is talking to and I can view her history at any time on her computer and none of it is negative... but, I have 6 more children right on her heels and I don't believe they will all make the same decent choices as this one and I don't want to have to back track and make up all new rules.

 

So, the 16yog asks why she should be punished because later her brothers might not behave as nicely as she does... I don't think 1am is an appropriate time for her to be online alone even if I do see her history... and I don't think she needs to talk with friends that late, either. She says that she gets insomnia and can't sleep.

 

What are your household rules for bedtimes and teens? What about phone calls? My parents were strict. I had to have lights off by 10pm. I didn't have a cell phone and our household line was in the living room and I wasn't allowed on the phone for more than 10 minutes, usually. And never late at night. I went to bed and went to sleep.

 

What do you think is a good approach for setting down the rules when I haven't been doing that? We had lots of strict rules prior to my divorce. I know that my lack of rules really bothers my new dh. I'd love to get feedback. I am thinking no internet after 11pm, no phone after that time, either, and that if she has insomnia, she can sip a sleepy time tea and read... And that is a rule that I think most teens should be willing to follow... Shoot, I'm the parent, right? If teens don't want to follow the rule... then what? Sorry, I am not good at teens...

 

For us, we pretty much stick to the "electronics off by midnight" rule for people under 18. I've been known to strongly request the rule be followed by people OVER 18 for specific periods of time. I know parents who require phones be placed on chargers in parents room at night, and that works for their family. (Phone simply isn't an issue here, for some reason.)

 

I'm not sure what the solution is, but it is NOT unreasonable for 11pm to be the bedtime for the electronics in your household. Tell them it's more for your comfort and for the "mama ain't happy" situation, and tell them that's that. And if they balk at complying, well, electronics are a privilege and they will not die if for some reason the time had to be dialed back to 10pm in order to allow them a week of reflection about the reasonableness of the 11pm cutoff.

[Starr]

I think 11 is very reasonable although I am thinking of going back to 10. The phone and internet do not help you relax before you fall asleep. They tend to keep one's mind running circles. I'm trying more relaxing and reading for all of us before falling asleep.

[Danestress]

She should consider turning off electronics an hour or so before bedtime anyway, and she definitely should not be on the computer if she can't sleep (and wants to sleep). When I consulted a specialist about sleep issues, this was probably her biggest recommendation - no electronic screens before bed for at least an hour, preferably more.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

 

I dont have an answer. Our gut feeling is to get her up at a reasonable time- it is harder to enforce her bedtime because she locks herself in her bedroom. I guess we are jsut living this one out, and I will tell you in 10 years time if i feel we handled it well!

 

You know, if you wanted to, you could shift morning chores to evening chores for her. That's probably what I would consider. It would give her some control and limit your frustration on that front.

 

As to a door to the bedroom? That's privilege, not a right. Taking a door off its hinges and removing it is a very simply job. And a *locked* bedroom door (except very temporarily for changing clothing or for sex) is a safety hazard for ANYbody.

[Pamela H in Texas]

First, I would simply tell them that you think you've made a mistake and the rules will be changing.

 

Then one of two things:

 

1) tell them there will be a family meeting (of older kids and adults only) that night or a day or two later. Tell them that your concerns are late phone and internet usage, you being woken up, etc. You'd love their input on solutions at the meeting.

 

OR

 

2) just set down the rules, have them start Sunday night.

 

And you are NOT punishing the 16yo for what others may later do (though there really isn't an issue if you were to change the rules solely for that purpose). You simply have decided that no one needs to use the phone and internet at 1am and that it's problematic. There are many reasons why this is the case, really. She's 16. In a couple years, she can do whatever she pleases in her own home. Until then, you have to make choices that meet the needs of your family the best you can.

 

As for here...we don't really have a rule. The computers do go off when Dad and/or Mom goes to bed. My kids aren't bad about the cell phone but if they were, I'd make the rule and/or put them up. Kids go to bed when they please but wouldn't dare dream of keeping or waking me up. All my positive parenting would go out the window if that happened.

[Pamela H in Texas]

You know, if you wanted to, you could shift morning chores to evening chores for her. That's probably what I would consider. It would give her some control and limit your frustration on that front.

 

This is what I did with my daughter. I really want chores done by 9am. For a time, my daughter was getting up between 8 and 9 which didn't give her time to wake up, eat, and get chores done. So I told her that her chores could be done at night if that was easier.

 

I want to give my kids as much freedom as possible, letting them make their own choices and learning. But I still have a household to run. We have to work as a family too. So if she's decided to do school a little later, that is her business. But chores need to be done by my timing.

[Lolly]

My kids are similar in age to yours. My eldest has had trouble sleeping since she was a baby. I had a toddler who couldn't get to sleep before midnight; a 7 yo who couldn't sleep before 1 or 2 a.m. As she has gotten older, I have just let her stay up. I'm just glad I don't have to be with her anymore! Now, her siblings are starting to join her in her nighttime adventures. She is SO glad to have company.

 

My rule is basically that you can stay up as late as you wish as long as you are not disturbing anyone and can get your work done the next day. Cell phones are not to be used after 9 (this is sliding to 10) because it is just plain rude to call after that hour. It is changing because they do tend to know what time their friends must be in bed. Computer usage at night I have given up on because I have found that it is just not possible for me to control it. How do you set a router to deny access to certain computers??? That would be very helpful! We have a television and xbox in my son's room. I take the power cord from it every night to keep it off.

[Tammyla]

In bed by 10 pm is our standard rule, you can read but no electronics. I'm thinking as she and then he get older and have a later time in/bedtime that the same rules will apply. Everyone in the house deserves a good night of sleep besides they will grow up and move out. Then they can set their own rules.;)

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

How do you set a router to deny access to certain computers??? That would be very helpful! We have a television and xbox in my son's room. I take the power cord from it every night to keep it off.

 

http://linksys.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/linksys.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=4041&p_created=1160119039

 

I can't help you with the XBOX tho'.

 

K

[Remudamom]

We' ve still got four at home. One 16 and three 14. Only one of them has a set bedtime, one of the triplets, and only because she doesn't show the maturity to govern herself. The others go to bed early, because even though I don't set the bedtime, I set the wake time, and I can't abide "sleeping in" except on Saturday morning, and even then, 8:30 is it.

[Deidre in GA]

ds15 is now in public school and gets up at 6:00am. on schoolnights bedtime is 10pm; 12am weekends.

 

i was brought up that you only call close family members after 9pm so no phone calls after 9pm even on his cell. on ANY night. his electronics go off at 9pm on ANY night though sometimes we will watch a movie together after that. i do that to calm him down and because i can only take so much of the video vibe before i get really cranky.

[coralloyd]

I do agree with others here that the computer should not be used at all hours, just because of the many danger. However I was homeschooled and a good kid. I finished schooling at 17 and had a job. I actually stayed out until 1 or 2 in the morning with friends from my church college group (some great memories:001_smile:) and was still able to work in the morning. Our bodies do work differntly at this age. If your daughter has proved to be responsible; you need to start letting her make some of these decisions on her own, so that she can learn for herself what is reasonable and not while she is still at home. She'll be on her own before you know it. I wouldn't cut her off from her cell phone, especailly if you know and trust her friends.

[Kris]

Being a night owl myself, I definitely feel my son's pain. Neither of us really "wake up" until the afternoon, no matter when we get up. But if I didn't set a limit, he'd be up on the computer all night. His electronics have to be off by 9:00 p.m., and no phone calls in or out after that, either. After that, he can do what he wants -- reading, studying -- and he doesn't have a set bed time anymore. But after an hour or two of "down time" he sleeps just fine.

[frogpond1]

and the melatonin etc. If your teen is struggling to fall asleep the screen time is probably doing it. Here's an interesting article.http://http://www.sleepfoundation.org/site/c.huIXKjM0IxF/b.2422499/k.68BD/School_Daze_Kids_Computers_and_Sleep.htm

[Cedarmom]

We have Cyber Patrol which we set to automatically set off the internet at 11:00. He knows he's not allowed on the internet after this time, but this just takes away any temptation. When you have teen boys on the internet, I would suggest buying some sort of parental control guard.

 

My son is allowed to pick his own bedtime, as long as he is up and ready to start school by 9:00. If he is grumpy, or slow moving, I enforce a bedtime. Same thing if he is noisy. My son likes to run(stomp, stomp) to bed at midnight. That's a definite way to incur the wrath of mom!

[SonshineLearner]

Because, as I hear my G-pa use to say "No good happens after dark" :-), I don't want my kids talking or texting on the phone after adults aren't around. I'll pick up her phone and look through it just to see what they're texting. I told her before she got the phone that I'll be looking at texts and phone numbers. (No boys allowed and no boy talk...) I'm fine with them staying up till 12 and sleeping into 10 or 11. I'll let them know ahead if I'm gonna wake them up early so they can choose when to go to bed. I have to tell my 10 year old to go to bed sometimes, my 13 and 16 are pretty much on their own, unless I can see them making bad choices. I believe that sleeping in is fine as long as they are respectful and do what you expect. They have the rest of their lives to wake up early and "be part of the general society."

(But I wouldn't have them on an unmonitored computer, especially boys, but girls, too!)

 

Carrie:-)

[Lady Q]

I don't have teenagers, but I want to second (third? fourth?) the posters who said that screen time late at night was contributing to your daughter's insomnia. I write (on my laptop) in the evenings after my kids are in bed, and I've noticed that the more screen time I get, the more blech I feel and the harder it is to fall asleep afterward. (This is also known as suffering for my art ;) ).

 

Your dd is better off having a relaxing hot shower, a cup of something hot and an hour with a good book before retiring for the night.

[sassenach]

I don't have teens, so take this for what it's worth. All of my teen experience is because my dh is a youth pastor.

 

I don't think we'll have a set bedtime, just a set wake up time. I also don't see anything wrong with late night phone calls, but I'd probably put a cap on the computer. I've had more than one student (I'm speaking of girls here), who has had issues with controlling their internet viewing late at night. I think 11pm would be a good cut off. Other than that, as long as they're not being loud, I don't know that I would put any further limits on. JM2 cents.