How would you react to this?

[Katy]

I can't imagine a 16 year old girl who is close enough to her mom to admit she wasn't comfortable either and invited the mom to go with to respond well to her mom being accused like that. I would imagine she'd confront the friend and end the friendship.  What did she do?

[Lecka]

I can imagine the friend being embarrassed by her mom’s behavior.  
 

I wouldn’t think it would go well either, if the friend thought the same way as her mom.  

[Janeway]

I would be incredibly angry. I would also let the kids know what happened AND the relationship with P would be over. And really, that was a real cop out for her to say that someone thought you were acting “sus.” Are these parents middle schoolers or what? The reason for talking to your kids about what happened is because if they’re 16, they are old enough that they need to learn from this situation. At their age and with this sort of situation, it is not the sort of thing that you keep hush hush and then 30 years down the line they learn the truth about what happened. It needs to be talked about now, not kept a secret.

Edited August 8, 2022 by Janeway
typo

[Emba]

16 hours ago, Janeway said:

I would be incredibly angry. I would also let the kids know what happened AND the relationship with P would be over. And really, that was a real cop out for her to say that someone thought you were acting “sus.” Are these parents middle schoolers or what? The reason for talking to your kids about what happened is because if they’re 16, they are old enough that they need to learn from this situation. At their age and with this sort of situation, it is not the sort of thing that you keep hush hush and then 30 years down the line they learn the truth about what happened. It needs to be talked about now, not kept a secret.

I told DD. She didn’t say a lot about it, but was about as shocked as I was. 
 

i didn’t tell her in front of DS because really, he doesn’t hang out with P much so it doesn’t concern him. And DD’s other friend that was in the car had had a good time. I didn’t want to unnecessarily dump the drama on her.

i don’t necessarily feel like the friendship with P should be over.  I feel like sometimes she’s a little dramatic, but overall has been a good friend.  Her mom pulling this stunt doesn’t really affect that. My best friend from high school had a mother who was kind of unhinged and very publicly dramatic. I’m not sure my parents knew; I’m not sure they didn’t. But I would have super resented being told not to be friends with someone because of their parent’s behavior. And honestly, I would have snuck around and been friends anyway. It’s super hard to enforce that. And sometimes being friends with me was a haven for her, in ways I won’t really go into here, though she did also make some poor choices.

[mjbucks1]

This is a huge red flag.  It really does day more about the parents and the type of friends they have.  I would talk to your dd and let her know there will be no sleepovers with that family, including the friend coming to your house.  I would be afraid they would accuse you of something.    

[heartlikealion]

Dang. My knee-jerk reaction is to possibly cancel. But since they did the canceling, it just seems to me an "out" for you to let the girls just be at school friends or something more causal than "spend the night over" friends. 

To me there's a slim to none chance they canceled for unrelated reasons. I think it's too big of a coincidence. 

If someone said I was "sus" I would be tempted to laugh. That's the word my kids use all the time. Everything and everyone is sus. I would assume sus just meant I looked out of place... which I would have felt in your shoes. 

But another theory of mine is that they were uncomfortable with the idea of a party attender carrying a knife and it was just an excuse to see what you had. 

[Emba]

14 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

 

But another theory of mine is that they were uncomfortable with the idea of a party attender carrying a knife and it was just an excuse to see what you had. 

I don’t think they knew I was carrying a knife beforehand. I carry a pocketknife basically all the time, because it’sa useful tool for opening packaging, pruning plants/harvesting vegetables neatly in my garden, etc. The one I had that night has a pocket clip, but I didn’t have it clipped because it would show, and I do realize there is something culturally weird about a woman carrying a pocketknife, even though around here, it is just expected that basically every man has a knife in his pocket at all times. And I am definitely not the only woman I know who carries  a pocketknife.

i did wonder if that was why the sleepover was canceled, but whatever. It was a three inch knife, quite a reasonable size.  Also, even if I’d had it clipped where everyone could tell, wouldn’t it have been less awkward to say something along the lines of “Hey, I notice you’re carrying a knife, what’s that about?” rather than doing something that will almost certainly insult a guest?

[Selkie]

4 minutes ago, Emba said:

I don’t think they knew I was carrying a knife beforehand. I carry a pocketknife basically all the time, because it’sa useful tool for opening packaging, pruning plants/harvesting vegetables neatly in my garden, etc. The one I had that night has a pocket clip, but I didn’t have it clipped because it would show, and I do realize there is something culturally weird about a woman carrying a pocketknife, even though around here, it is just expected that basically every man has a knife in his pocket at all times. And I am definitely not the only woman I know who carries  a pocketknife.

i did wonder if that was why the sleepover was canceled, but whatever. It was a three inch knife, quite a reasonable size.  Also, even if I’d had it clipped where everyone could tell, wouldn’t it have been less awkward to say something along the lines of “Hey, I notice you’re carrying a knife, what’s that about?” rather than doing something that will almost certainly insult a guest?

It's not culturally weird for a woman to carry a knife where I live...I don't think anyone would even blink an eye at that. Maybe it's different other places, but here it is just seen as a very practical thing to have with you.

[Emba]

17 minutes ago, Selkie said:

It's not culturally weird for a woman to carry a knife where I live...I don't think anyone would even blink an eye at that. Maybe it's different other places, but here it is just seen as a very practical thing to have with you.

Yeah, maybe it’s just more unusual, not hugely weird. Like I said, everyone around here assumes that men are going to have a knife, but not so much that a woman will. When we were helping my SIL move I left my knife on a table and BIL assumed it was either DH’s or DS’s; was visibly surprised it was mine.  But when I was in the Peace Corps, that crowd wouldn't have thought anything about it, because they are so clearly useful when traveling/ living in more rustic conditions.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Emba

[73349]

I would tell my DC she could still be "outdoor friends" with P if she wants to (e.g., hang out in the park once in a while, or sit together at lunch if they go to school together), and she should also feel free to let the relationship fade entirely, but we don't go inside their house and they don't come inside ours.

Edited August 10, 2022 by 73349

[Selkie]

33 minutes ago, Emba said:

Yeah, maybe it’s just more unusual, not hugely weird. Like I said, everyone around here assumes that men are going to have a knife, but not so much that a woman will. When we were helping my SIL move I left my knife on a table and BIL assumed it was either DH’s or DS’s; was visibly surprised it was mine.  But when I was in the Peace Corps, that crowd wouldn't have thought anything about it, because they are so clearly useful when traveling/ living in more rustic conditions.

I'm in a rural area, so that might be why it is common here - there are lots of situations where it comes in handy. Also, having horses, it was drilled into my head at an early age to always, ALWAYS, carry a knife in case a situation arises where a horse is in trouble and needs to be cut free.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You already think that the parents are “sus”, especially the dad. They obvious aren’t going to become family friends. As to P herself, you seem to have some reservations there too. Does your daughter feel the same way?  
 

(this is just an observation. Not everyone is going to hit it off and I don’t think that it’s bad to recognize when we feel like something is “off”). 

[heartlikealion]

It sounds practical to carry a pocket knife for several people, but since I don't own one it would be super weird to me to say to myself, "I'm going to a kids' birthday party. I will bring my pocket knife." I really doubt you came across as a real threat so I agree the knife had nothing to do with it (plus apparently they didn't know about it). 

I wonder what the heck they thought you could possibly have stolen that fit in your pocket lol. Jewelry? 

Probably best for the children's friendship to just wither. 

[Spryte]

I wouldn’t think twice about a pocketknife. And they’d never even have known about that if they hadn’t falsely accused you of something and inappropriately asked you to turn out your pockets. (ETA: if they did not ask outright, that was the end result of whatever they requested, right?)

BTW, you handled it better than I would have. The whole thing is so absurd that I’d have probably laughed and thought the host was joking. That would not have gone over well.

This thread keeps reminding me of a kid DS used to know. I posted here about him, because I didn’t know what to do. He had, ummm, sticky fingers. I never, never had the nerve to check his pockets on the way out — and he was 11, and actually was taking weird, small items (he’d rummage through our junk drawer and take odds and ends, things from the garage, pocket sized stuff — and DS would find out later when they were at the kid’s house). I just didn’t invite him back inside. He probably knew he’d lost my trust, but I didn’t do anything overt, just made a mental note.

I cannot believe an adult (essentially) asked another adult to *empty her pockets* — that is so far from the type of people with whom I’m familiar, it’s just unbelievable. I think you feel the same!

They probably canceled because they know they overstepped. And if that’s not the case — whoa. It’s for the best, no matter the reason.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Spryte
Clarity

[marbel]

Reading this thread and thinking about it more, I can think of people I have known who might have done such things. Honestly, I have a sibling who has been described as "seedy" and had friends who were too. Thinking back I could imagine that scenario with some of those people. They were not people I chose to spend time with, but sometimes they were around.

It's just a different sort of life/personality (?) than I am used to and our paths would never have crossed if it weren't for that sibling.  So something like asking someone to empty their pockets  [ETA return what they had taken] would probably have seemed completely normal for them, while I would have been appalled.  

Just seems like a cultural mismatch - the parents anyway, maybe not the kids.

Pocket knives - I don't carry one but I think it is a perfectly normal thing and I wouldn't think twice about someone - male or female - carrying one. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by marbel

[Danae]

She didn’t ask OP to turn out her pockets.  She asked her to give back whatever it was she had taken.

How would people here handle it if you had a guest you did not know and a friend who you do know told you the new guest had stolen something?  It’s going to be awkward no matter what, and she probably could have phrased it more diplomatically if she’d had longer to think about it. 

I still wouldn’t encourage the friendship though.  That bridge is burned.

[Jean in Newcastle]

25 minutes ago, Danae said:

She didn’t ask OP to turn out her pockets.  She asked her to give back whatever it was she had taken.

How would people here handle it if you had a guest you did not know and a friend who you do know told you the new guest had stolen something?  It’s going to be awkward no matter what, and she probably could have phrased it more diplomatically if she’d had longer to think about it. 

I still wouldn’t encourage the friendship though.  That bridge is burned.

I would check to make absolutely CERTAIN that something was actually taken. And I wouldn’t bother to confront someone  about it unless it were something expensive, irreplaceable or put me in danger of something like identity theft. And even then I would be very tentative about a confrontation unless I was CERTAIN that that person had taken it. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle
Typo

[Alicia64]

I haven't read everyone's thoughts, but here's how I would take it at my advanced age of 58: a wacko situation with the mom and her friend. It says EVERYTHING about them and nothing at all about you. She should have given you an apology, but she's clearly from another world.

The older I get the more I take things less personally, and get a laugh out of a ridiculous situation.

When you know it wasn't you at all, it's easier to think, glad I'm not part of that goofy group.

A billion years ago, I was confronted by coworkers accusing me of taking money out of their purses. Of course, I hadn't touched anyone's purse. It was ludicrous, but I was really young -- maybe 22 -- and it hurt my feelings.

Roll your eyes and laugh (and I'm not so sure you want dd around them). A pocket knife is no big deal to me.

♥♥♥

Edited August 10, 2022 by Alicia64
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