Am I being unreasonable?

[Elizabeth86]

A bit of background. We are a family of 6. Our house is just at 1,000 square feet.  We don’t have a garage or basement. We have a small attic, but it’s hard to get into. Dh has 1 small outbuilding. Spring 2020, he began construction on a new outbuilding for himself. I am to get the old one to store away curriculum and clothes that will be used again soon. I plan on just storing all things cluttering the house that I’m not prepared to part with right now. Ok, so he started in 2020 in the spring. He “puttered away” at it all that year and then he had a back injury and didn’t work on it at all in 2021. It’s almost reached 2 years and it’s not done. I’m so annoyed . I’ve asked him to hire someone to finish it. It would take less than a week for someone being payed to get it done. He won’t do it because he was raised to do everything on your own. It is driving me crazy. Also he has gained a lot of weight and has become very inactive and he doesn’t have the energy to do any work even though his back has recovered. I want to have him set a date and if it’s not done, we have to hire someone. OR I would settle for renting a storage unit. How would this go down at your house? Dh thinks Im just too impatient.

[Katy]

I would go out and finish it myself.

[Elizabeth86]

4 minutes ago, Katy said:

I would go out and finish it myself.

Believe me, if I could I would.

[Spryte]

We would hire someone.

And if it’s going to take more than a few weeks (whoever is doing the work), we’d rent a storage unit till the building is finished. That idea would come from DH, not me, and probably would have happened once it was clear he wouldn’t be working on it for a while.

[regentrude]

Makes perfect sense. DYI is fine if it gets done. Any project that has been languishing like this would have long since been outsourced. Or you could purchase a ready-made storage shed.

[Spryte]

Is it possible to make room for the extra things you want to store in the current building? 

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, regentrude said:

Makes perfect sense. DYI is fine if it gets done. Any project that has been languishing like this would have long since been outsourced. Or you could purchase a ready-made storage shed.

It wouldn’t make sense too because it is almost framed up. Like half the roof needs whatever you call the boards you put up to attach the roofing tol. The door needs framing and then the roof and siding put on. It’s like almost done. 

[Catwoman]

You have already been far too reasonable. 

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

Is it possible to make room for the extra things you want to store in the current building? 

No. It stuffed and the overflow of dh’s tools are on the porch, in our vehicles and our bedroom.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

No. It stuffed and the overflow of dh’s tools are on the porch, in our vehicles and our bedroom.

It’s time to get tough. Seriously.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

You have already been far too reasonable. 

Thank you. He makes it seem like I’m pushy or something. I just grew up with a dad that got things done straight away or hired out. My dad can’t stand to wait for anything.Dh grew up where you DIY or not at all. There are half finished multi year long projects at the in-laws house. 

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

It wouldn’t make sense too because it is almost framed up. Like half the roof needs whatever you call the boards you put up to attach the roofing tol. The door needs framing and then the roof and siding put on. It’s like almost done. 

then he needs to get a move on - or you hire somebody. Set him an ultimatum. Or move your overflow clutter into his vehicle.

Edited March 18, 2022 by regentrude

[Elizabeth86]

Which is more reasonable to ask for, a storage unit or to ask him to hire someone to finish it?

[Night Elf]

I would hire someone to finish it. It would obviously be beneficial to your household to have that extra space sooner rather than later. If it was just a fun project, I'd say give it a bit more time because he might be enjoying it and really wants to finish it on his own. However, 2 years is a bit extreme. That is beyond patient. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Which is more reasonable to ask for, a storage unit or to ask him to hire someone to finish it?

if he's this close, finish it. Otherwise you pay for the storage unit, and in a couple of years you still have to pay of somebody to finish the unfinished building.

YOU can hire somebody if he won't.

[Night Elf]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Which is more reasonable to ask for, a storage unit or to ask him to hire someone to finish it?

Storage units are supposed to be a temporary measure. I'd say rent one to get stuff out of your way while you're waiting for the storage to be built. My mom refused to part with a lot of stuff when she moved in with her mom and paid at least $100/month for it. After a year, she finally acknowledged she was wasting money to save items she will never use. We took as much as we could that fit nicely into her home and she donated the rest. She spent over $1000 for nothing. She regretted that.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

if he's this close, finish it. Otherwise you pay for the storage unit, and in a couple of years you still have to pay of somebody to finish the unfinished building.

YOU can hire somebody if he won't.

I just can’t go behind his back though. I have to have him on board. He would not be thrilled.

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I just can’t go behind his back though. I have to have him on board. He would not be thrilled.

You're not going behind his back when you say: "I need this finished by May 1st. If you don't think you can do it, I will hire a contractor."

ETA: Right now, YOU are less than thrilled with the lack of progress. So if he's "not thrilled", he can suck it up and deal.

Edited March 18, 2022 by regentrude

[Miss Tick]

Can you just ask him straight up? "I need the shed finished. Do you have time to work on it this weekend, or should I find someone who can come in and complete it?"

Now, if somebody finishes it, are you feeling comfortable that his stuff won't just grow to take over the new shed in addition to the old shed and his car?

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I just can’t go behind his back though. I have to have him on board. He would not be thrilled.

But you aren't thrilled either.  It sound like there are no physical impediments to him getting the job done.  If he wanted to, he could set aside X hours per weekend to work on it.  Or break the tasks down into smaller chunks and decide to finish putting up the roof joists etc. 

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, SusanC said:

Can you just ask him straight up? "I need the shed finished. Do you have time to work on it this weekend, or should I find someone who can come in and complete it?"

Now, if somebody finishes it, are you feeling comfortable that his stuff won't just grow to take over the new shed in addition to the old shed and his car?

Well. I have mentioned it and he just says that he will get it done. Ok. Well he is getting the new and bigger building. It will adequately hold his stuff. I'm 100 percent sure the small building will be mine.

[itsheresomewhere]

10 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I just can’t go behind his back though. I have to have him on board. He would not be thrilled.

Hire someone. It is not going behind his back.  You are doing it because you know his health and stress are valuable to you.  He just recovered from a back injury and you are worried he might re-injure it if that angle helps.  You are not being unreasonable. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by itsheresomewhere

[regentrude]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. I have mentioned it and he just says that he will get it done. 

Don't "mention it". You've done that for two years and it has accomplished nothing. If he still thinks you are "impatient", he is being ridiculous.
You need to specify a date by which you will hire a contractor. No asking him to, no mentioning, vagueness. If not done by X, you will outsource. he can choose to complete the work or not.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

Hire someone. It is not going behind his back.  You are doing it because you know his health and stress are valuable to you.  He just recovered from a back injury and you are worried he might re-injure it.  You are not being unreasonable. 

Eh. Yeah, but I can't just do it. I don't have the freedom to just spend money without his ok.

[Spryte]

I would get the storage unit, so you have storage now, and once the shed is finished — whether by him or someone else — move out of the storage unit. Most places offer a free month, so use that as incentive to either get him to follow up or get on board with hiring someone.

If I had to choose only one option, it would be hiring someone now, this week, to get it finished.

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Eh. Yeah, but I can't just do it. I don't have the freedom to just spend money without his ok.

You are spending money to improve every single person in that house lives.  This is something I would have easily override the both party ok it rule.  We have that rule for large purchases except in situations were it could improve everyone in the house lives.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, itsheresomewhere said:

You are spending money to improve every single person in that house lives.  This is something I would have easily override the both party ok it rule.  We have that rule for large purchases except in situations were it could improve everyone in the house lives.

He doesn't have any sort of feeling of that improving our lives. I have a drive for things looking nice and being useful, but he never sees that anything needs to change. For example our laminate floor is 16 years old and looking pretty rough, but he doesn't see that. He says we have a floor, why would want a new one?

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Eh. Yeah, but I can't just do it. I don't have the freedom to just spend money without his ok.

I get that people can't just spend joint money without some sort of buy-in... but there is such a thing as begrudging agreement. I think, given the situation, if you are assertive about fighting for this situation to be made right he might say, "Fine!" -- and that's enough.

Try asking him *when* he thinks it will be finished. Then say, "So if it isn't at least mostly finished by (2 weeks after that), it would be reasonable for me to pay someone to get it done for us?" If he objects say, "Okay, well, how about (a month after he said he'd be done)?" If he continues to object say, "So you can't give me any kind of time line? What about (6 months)? A year? Is it really reasonable to expect me to wait that long on a project like this? It's bothering me having nowhere to store things."

At which point he will probably agree that if it's not done by xyz date, you can go ahead and spend. (Get it in writing so neither of you forgets the date.)

[Junie]

Honestly, I would assume that it will never be finished and I would downsize accordingly.  😞

[Elizabeth86]

I think this weekend I will insist he at least get a price quote on getting the job done.

[itsheresomewhere]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

He doesn't have any sort of feeling of that improving our lives. I have a drive for things looking nice and being useful, but he never sees that anything needs to change. For example our laminate floor is 16 years old and looking pretty rough, but he doesn't see that. He says we have a floor, why would want a new one?

But when it is improving the lives of the rest of the house, I would override the vote on the shed.  The floors are a different story. Perhaps he has not heard of the saying happy wife/mom, happy life.  
 

 

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, bolt. said:

I get that people can't just spend joint money without some sort of buy-in... but there is such a thing as begrudging agreement. I think, given the situation, if you are assertive about fighting for this situation to be made right he might say, "Fine!" -- and that's enough.

Try asking him *when* he thinks it will be finished. Then say, "So if it isn't at least mostly finished by (2 weeks after that), it would be reasonable for me to pay someone to get it done for us?" If he objects say, "Okay, well, how about (a month after he said he'd be done)?" If he continues to object say, "So you can't give me any kind of time line? What about (6 months)? A year? Is it really reasonable to expect me to wait that long on a project like this? It's bothering me having nowhere to store things."

At which point he will probably agree that if it's not done by xyz date, you can go ahead and spend. (Get it in writing so neither of you forgets the date.)

You guys really just done know him. 😂

[bolt.]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

I think this weekend I will insist he at least get a price quote on getting the job done.

That's a good idea. Then, at least you will have a quote, and he will know you are able-and-serious about hiring it done.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

But when it is improving the lives of the rest of the house, I would override the vote on the shed.  The floors are a different story. Perhaps he has not heard of the saying happy wife/mom, happy life.  
 

 

No he has not.

[kbutton]

38 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

How would this go down at your house? 

I agree with regentrude about packing stuff into his car. 🙂 

11 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Well. I have mentioned it and he just says that he will get it done. Ok. Well he is getting the new and bigger building. It will adequately hold his stuff. I'm 100 percent sure the small building will be mine.

I would probably also consider packing up his shed in anticipation of when it will be free for your stuff. Make his problem truly his problem, and put your stuff in your shed. If his shed is full of crap vs. useful stuff, bonus. Maybe he'll haul it off if you box it up.

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

You guys really just done know him. 😂

Fair enough, I sure don't know him! How would a conversation like that go between the two of you?

[itsheresomewhere]

So I will ask the one question that maybe hasn’t been thought of yet-  was he depressed before his back injury?  He sounds a bit depressed.  Or has he always been this way? 

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

I agree with regentrude about packing stuff into his car. 🙂 

I would probably also consider packing up his shed in anticipation of when it will be free for your stuff. Make his problem truly his problem, and put your stuff in your shed. If his shed is full of crap vs. useful stuff, bonus. Maybe he'll haul it off if you box it up.

Guys. Really. If I did put stuff in his vehicle, he’d likely dump it. He doesn't play games.

[Tiberia]

It sounds to me like your problem is more than what to do with stuff. Sorry.

[bolt.]

Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

Guys. Really. If I did put stuff in his vehicle, he’d likely dump it. He doesn't play games.

Would that solve the problem? You'd have storage space, and he would have less junk.

It's not a game to make someone responsible for their own belongings... you just have to accept that they can do what they want with their own things. If he'd rather get rid of them than build a shed for them, well, okay.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, itsheresomewhere said:

So I will ask the one question that maybe hasn’t been thought of yet-  was he depressed before his back injury?  He sounds a bit depressed.  Or has he always been this way? 

I'm honestly not sure. He was raised to suppress his feelings and then he was a Marine and showing emotions is frowned up on. He could be, but I don't know. If I asked, he would brush it off and make some joke about it.

[Spryte]

3 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Guys. Really. If I did put stuff in his vehicle, he’d likely dump it. He doesn't play games.

Put his stuff in his vehicle, so you can use the shed that will be yours?

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

It sounds to me like your problem is more than what to do with stuff. Sorry.

Yeah pretty much, but I generally try to make the most of it.

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Would that solve the problem? You'd have storage space, and he would have less junk.

It's not a game to make someone responsible for their own belongings... you just have to accept that they can do what they want with their own things. If he'd rather get rid of them than build a shed for them, well, okay.

I thought you meant my stuff in his vehicle.

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Guys. Really. If I did put stuff in his vehicle, he’d likely dump it. He doesn't play games.

he's playing the game of "let's string Elizabeth along"

I think the problem is way bigger than the shed.

 

[JustEm]

at this point if hiring it really is detrimental to your marriage, which I understand because my dad would have been really hurt by my mom hiring help on a project, then I would tell him you are claiming your storage unit and put his stuff in a storage unit.  Then he can have his stuff in its proper place once he has finished the job.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, regentrude said:

he's playing the game of "let's string Elizabeth along"

I think the problem is way bigger than the shed.

 

Yes probably.

[Spryte]

Honestly, you said he doesn’t play games, but this feels like a game.

How invested are you in saving curriculum and clothes? I might consider donating or selling what I can and buying more when the time comes. This may not be worth the hassle and the disconnect between you.

Or you could box it all up and ask him to carry it to the current shed for you, so it can be stored, and he can rearrange his stuff.

[Elizabeth86]

I'll have the talk this weekend and I’ll let you all know what he says.

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

Honestly, you said he doesn’t play games, but this feels like a game.

How invested are you in saving curriculum and clothes? I might consider donating or selling what I can and buying more when the time comes. This may not be worth the hassle and the disconnect between you.

Or you could box it all up and ask him to carry it to the current shed for you, so it can be stored, and he can rearrange his stuff.

Well the kids are between 1.5 and 2.5 years apart so I'm dragging stuff out very often, but no room to keep it in my house. Clothes too, he kind of expects me to have the hand me downs.