Working and volunteering as a single mom (encouragement or reality check)

[SKL]

There is a volunteer opportunity I feel drawn to, that does not involve my kids.  Other than working the 2020 election, I don't think I've volunteered apart from my kids since they were tots.  Back then I had to quit all of my volunteer gigs, because 4 hours of sleep was gonna kill me.  Last year my kids and I trained and joined the CERT team, but I don't know if/when we'll ever be called up for that.

I don't know how much time this volunteer gig will end up taking ... I assume it's flexible, but I don't want to commit just to be a flake about it.  It involves pro bono legal work for a specific population.  I'd have to learn it from scratch since this isn't an area of law I have worked in before.

My job is both flexible and demanding.  If I'm honest, I have some spare time, but I don't always use my time wisely, which causes problems.  My business partners are childless workaholics who always question my responsibility level if I do anything personal.  It stresses me out.

My kids are 15, in public school, and not super needy.  My pup is 1yo and not super hard to manage.  House isn't falling down or anything.  I don't have big duties wrt extended family.  My health is pretty good for my age.  I'm a low-maintenance person in general.

Having something to do for the greater good can help me focus my energy better.  The topic might be interesting to both me and my housemates and kids.

Do you busy moms do volunteer work that isn't with/for your kids?  How does that work?  How many hours are realistic without letting people down?

[Rosie_0801]

I reckon even if you have to back out at some point, there'll be people in the world who will be forever grateful for the work you did do while you could.

[Carrie12345]

Everyone has such different physical and emotional energies, priorities, flexibilities, and on and on. Comparison isn’t really all that helpful.

Personally, I jumped back into volunteering when my youngest was 5ish.  Even though I’m a partnered sahm, I’ve overwhelmed myself, moved my priorities in ways I didn’t like, and burned myself out more than once since then!

Otoh, I had a single mom (single in child and household management long before splitting) who worked full time, had two side hustles, led a Girl Scout troop solo and co-led two others, and taught Sunday School.  Each of those volunteer positions involved their own additional volunteer gigs.

Voluteering in some capacity has always been very important to me, but I don’t have the same type of stamina my mom did, or that some of my co-volunteers do.  I have to keep a close eye on how I’m doing and say no a lot.

[BlsdMama]

Your last paragraph is especially poignant. I think it is a struggle not unique to women but certainly something we struggle with more than most men. 
 

My parents did virtually no organized volunteerism but I constantly saw them helping neighbors, friends, parents, etc. I became volunteer minded but I suspect it was more nature than nurture?

 My father in law is probably the most civic minded person I know  - local government, fundraisers, volunteer fire fighter. But DH says as a kid he was never home in the evening. Funny because he is also very family oriented now. 
 

All this to say, especially with teens, I think it is important for them to both see parents volunteer and for them to volunteer themselves. I think you should dip your toes in. It’s good for them to see. 

[katilac]

Word of warning: you are about to enter a busy season, aka College Search!

[KungFuPanda]

I think it’s wise to take steps towards a post-minor-children life BEFORE you are an empty nester. Your kids are old enough for you to choose an activity that’s not about them. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but there really is no harm in trying it out. You could love it, or it could lead to something better. 

[Storygirl]

My mother was an ardent volunteer. When I wrote her obituary last year, I couldn't even list all of the things that she participated in, and I accidentally left a few relevant things off. I, on the other hand, have not felt able to volunteer much while also being a parent, outside of participation in my kids' activities. Because I am an extreme introvert, parenting sucks the energy out of me, and I haven't found that I have extra left over to devote to other causes. I do feel guilty about this sometimes. 

I think that will would find it easier, timewise, to wait a few years until your girls have graduated, to start a new endeavor. But that doesn't mean that that is the best choice for you. I think that your larger problem might be the opinion of your housemates about how you are spending your time, and that you may need to figure out some better boundaries about that. Will you be able to spend time on this without them knowing what you are doing, each hour of the day? If it will cause constant stress, I think that's something to consider.

[kristin0713]

On 2/13/2022 at 3:38 AM, SKL said:

Do you busy moms do volunteer work that isn't with/for your kids?  How does that work?  How many hours are realistic without letting people down?

I am not a single mom, but I can speak to volunteering without my kids as a busy/homeschool mom. Before covid, for several years, I put in countless hours playing piano and interpreting (ASL) for church. (Not at the same time, obviously 😆) Most of the hours consisted of my practice and/or prep time from home. The actual time "on the job" happened Sunday morning or interpreting an occasional meeting during the week. It was very fulfilling to me to "give back" with these skills, especially interpreting as there is such a need for equal access for the Deaf community. I won't get into how covid has completely derailed these activities in my life, but I'll just say that I miss it terribly. I am planning to get involved with the Deaf again after we move in June. Everything else that I do revolves around my kids and it's important for me to do something else. So I encourage you to look into doing the same. Just don't be afraid to set boundaries. It's easy to get taken advantage of when volunteering. 

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I think it’s wise to take steps towards a post-minor-children life BEFORE you are an empty nester. Your kids are old enough for you to choose an activity that’s not about them. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, but there really is no harm in trying it out. You could love it, or it could lead to something better. 

This.

Also, ask the organization if you can talk to someone who has done this type of volunteer work. There you can ask about general time commitment, although they may vary depending on exactly what you are working on. You can also ask other specific questions about the type of work.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that stepping into post kids life before they're gone is important, but I'd ease into it and stay flexible.  My oldest's mental health issues didn't really emerge fully until she was around 16.

[DreamerGirl]

On 2/13/2022 at 2:38 AM, SKL said:

but I don't always use my time wisely, which causes problems.

Who decides what is wise ? Would reading a book be "wise use of time" ? Should it be non-fiction to be wise or can it be a trashy romance or a YA ? Do you have to learn to play the piano to use your time wisely or can you listen to Kpop because it makes you happy ? See where I am going ? Who decides what is wise. ? Only you know what you want for self care and recharging. It can be "stupid" or "frivolous" like painting nails or putting a mask on while you listen to BTS. Who decides that ? YOU. Only YOU. No one gets to decide that. Self care in whatever form is not selfish. You do not need to engage in "wise" things to recharge yourself. I would push back HARD at whoever is making you feel guilty about that. Your time and your hobbies is yours. First put a stop to that and feeling guilty. 

On 2/13/2022 at 2:38 AM, SKL said:

Having something to do for the greater good can help me focus my energy better.  The topic might be interesting to both me and my housemates and kids.

 

Doing something for the greater good is worthy thing. But do you have the time to do it ? Do you want to do it or think you should do it ? Big difference. The former will recharge you, the latter will make you resent and it will show in your work and attitude. I say this from experience.

On 2/13/2022 at 2:38 AM, SKL said:

Do you busy moms do volunteer work that isn't with/for your kids?  How does that work?  How many hours are realistic without letting people down?

I believe in giving back. I was raised like that and always felt I should give back especially in female education. I did a lot of that when I was in my teens. It did not have anything to do with college applications, such a thing does not exist in my country of origin. It was through my church youth group and also other organizations. But as I grew older and had more responsibilities, especially when I had a job and kids, I could not do that simply because I did not have the time. Now I give money to organizations that support female education. I do not have the energy to do that and honestly it would take time away from my family. I am in my prime mothering years and I simply do not have the time. I could teach someone to read over cooking with my kids or simply watching a movie as a family. But those are my times with my family. I also read a lot of fiction, not exactly mind enhancing and listen to music and do other things not exactly a "wise' use of my time. But they recharge me and they make me a better mom.

Only you know how much you can give, what you need to recharge. Even if you have the skills to help. I always consider my prime responsibility to my kids and to be the mother I want to be, I need to recharge with those frivolous things You may have a different endurance level, but do not run yourself dry or spread yourself thin. You will be of no use to those you want to be, least of all to you.  Giving money is also ok. Sometimes it is all we can do and that is ok.

[Ottakee]

I would evaluate the time commitment needed...and if you are energized by volunteering or if it would be more draining for you...and that is a more personality thing.