MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) deleted. Edited June 30, 2021 by MEmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 A military academy meaning USMA, USNA, USAFA? Or some other military school? Is this kid a college student? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hadley Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I’m generally confused here. One does not simply join a military academy. One is nominated by a congressman and accepted by an academy. If your friend’s child has earned this honor, then you should all celebrate a job well done. He or she must be a terrific student, athlete, and community leader. My husband is a graduate of West Point. He received a phenomenal education from the academy. I’m really at a loss here about how to help you feel better about this without saying anything positive about our years in the army, so I’ll sign off now… 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I am so confused by this question and why this is a very rough time during which someone would need support. I have had several friends whose sons went into the actual armed forces, and they had going-away parties and posted pics of their graduation from basic, etc., but I don't think that is what you mean. Maybe you could explain why you both are so distraught over a military academy? And as ScoutTN says, if this is a college student entering one of the service academies, it is so danged hard to get an appointment that your friend ought to be bursting with pride that her son got one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 Would it help to think about how you would support a friend whose child decided to pursue some other kind of path that you found objectionable? For example, if he decided to marry someone your friend found unsuitable or decided to invest a lot of money in what appeared to be a scam or decided to volunteer for a nonprofit organization that your friend opposes. I don’t know if this is helpful but taking it out of context might be a good thought exercise to come up with ways of maintaining the relationship while also staying true to convictions. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltopmom Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) Do you mean a military high school or a military college like Norwich with the corps of cadets? Not one of the academies? Actually, it doesn’t matter. You support your kid no matter their choices… unless they’re illegal. I understand being worried for their life if they join the military- but even driving down the road is dangerous in a car. My husband just does not “get” why anyone would join the military but my dad’s a former fighter pilot, so I get it. I think if you’re not military, people just can’t fathom why anyone would join on purpose. But, like many other jobs, “someone” has to do it & do it well. To support your friend- listen to her, take her out to distract her, but her a gift basket, suggest she seek counseling… Edited June 30, 2021 by Hilltopmom 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, ScoutTN said: A military academy meaning USMA, USNA, USAFA? Or some other military school? Is this kid a college student? Deleted Edited June 30, 2021 by MEmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 1 minute ago, Hyacinth said: Would it help to think about how you would support a friend whose child decided to pursue some other kind of path that you found objectionable? For example, if he decided to marry someone your friend found unsuitable or decided to invest a lot of money in what appeared to be a scam or decided to volunteer for a nonprofit organization that your friend opposes. I don’t know if this is helpful but taking it out of context might be a good thought exercise to come up with ways of maintaining the relationship while also staying true to convictions. Yes, this exactly. And I’m still struggling. I questioned whether I should include the exact reason and I already regret it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 If your heart is breaking because her kid got into a military academy, maybe you are not the best person to give support. But maybe read up on the process of seeking an appointment to a military academy (there are some threads on the college board) so you can applaud the accomplishments and character that got him that appointment. Slackers do not get into West Point, etc. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said: Do you mean a military high school or a military college like Norwich with the corps of cadets? Not one of the academies? Deleted Edited June 30, 2021 by MEmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 Deleting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
historically accurate Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, MEmama said: Yes, this exactly. And I’m still struggling. I questioned whether I should include the exact reason and I already regret it. I guess I'd ask straight out what she needs/wants. Does she need to have you listen while she talks it all out? Or does she just not want to think about it and you'd be better distracting her? I'd probably do a lot of listening, but not much speaking. It might come back to bite you if you agree with her horror/fears now, and she comes to love it later (like a conversation about an ex-boyfriend/husband shortly after the breakup). Maybe you can steer her thoughts toward being proud of his academic accomplishments instead of focusing on the military aspect? Or his physical fitness goals? Hugs, it's a weird place to be since it's supposed to be celebrated by family members. Edit: And in the time I wrote this, thread deleted. Sorry, MEMama, I hope your friend feels better, and you figure out a way to support her in her sorrow. Edited June 30, 2021 by historically accurate 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 This student will get an excellent education, have lifelong friends, and get five (?) years of work experience. His entire future is not determined yet. We all know how life takes odd turns. I would encourage my friend to still recognize her child’s accomplishments, encourage him when he’s down, and generally support her college student. Your friend must have done a good job of these things as a mom so far to have a child accepted into a service Academy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I know this thread went sideways, MEmama, but to answer your question without the baggage of the specifics, the best way to show support to anyone for anything is to show up, be present, and listen. Let her talk, vent, and cry. Ask her if she wants anything more from you. It might help to look at it through the lens of grief. She’s mourning the path she saw for her son and she needs to process that. Be patient. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 First -- allow her and yourself time and space to grieve this decision; when one of our children does something so opposite our dreams, ideals, values, etc., it's okay to grieve "what could have been" and I think a necessary part of being able to move forward. So, that's first. In the now, support her as you would any friend grieving a loss, because culturally appropriate or not, that's what she's doing at the moment. And that's okay. Once that is being moved through/she's ready to start moving more forward here are things that I do: For me, when my kids make or entertain ideas/decisions that misalign with our own values/my own values, I remind myself that not all of my thoughts and decisions and ideas aligned with my mom/dad's ideas/values, either, and yet, for the most part, we still have a solid relationship. That helps me remember that while my child may make decisions that are not what I would choose, the relationship with them is still the most important part. Then, for me, I remind myself of various friends I have who walk very different walks of life, living according to very different values, and yet we are still friends, we still get along, we still have a relationship. And so again, relationship is what's important, and can still be maintained despite differing values. I remind myself that my job as a parent is not to turn out carbon copies of myself, but to nurture independent thinkers who arrive at their own decisions, according to their own values, even if they may differ from mine. That of course it hurts when they choose something so anti-my values, but they must choose their own values to follow. That even though they've taken such a different path....this still means I've done my job of raising and nurturing an independent person, capable of and brave enough and strong enough to strike their own path, even knowing it goes against what I've taught them. In this specific instance, as a Christian I would remind myself that God's protection is the same over my child wherever they are. In the Bible, it tells me that God knows the number of our days, and that there is nowhere we can flee from his presence. So while I might worry and fret and wish my child would choose a path that would keep them close to home......God goes with them where I cannot. For me, as a Christian, that would bring me comfort. Overall, I would keep reminding myself, as often as needed "relationship relationship relationship" -- what matters is that I maintain a strong relationship with my kiddo, that I don't say/do things that will create a divide between us, but rather bridge this. Over and over, as often as needed, so that I can still walk in loving and caring for and supporting my child in whatever way they need even as they choose some path that is not what I would choose. *caveat: clearly this is not what I would do if my child chose some illegal path, but simply speaking about any path different from my own ideals/values, but yet still legal All of this would come after grieving the what ifs, but I would try to not let my child see that part too much. I wouldn't lie to them, I don't think, but I wouldn't constantly bemoan it either. An honest conversation in the beginning, maybe, but.... One final thought: if I'm keeping straight forum posters -- what advice would you give to a Christian (or other) mom whose child announced they were trans, or gay, or .....? For many, that is something that similarly misaligns with their own values. I would treat this in the same way. I know there's the added factor of this being a choice, but.....that's the closest comparison I can think of, that might help you be able to help your friend. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 @MEmama I am sorry people didn't respect your wishes in regards to this post, shame on them. I have no advice other than to just be a listening ear. I hope you find a way to support her that is helpful for her. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hadley Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 26 minutes ago, hjffkj said: @MEmama I am sorry people didn't respect your wishes in regards to this post, shame on them. I have no advice other than to just be a listening ear. I hope you find a way to support her that is helpful for her. I’m sorry you feel the need to shame us. My husband has spent multiple years away from his family, fighting for our country. I think I’ve earned the right to defend my own opinions, just as the original poster has hers. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 2 minutes ago, Hadley said: I’m sorry you feel the need to shame us. My husband has spent multiple years away from his family, fighting for our country. I think I’ve earned the right to defend my own opinions, just as the original poster has hers. I’m not defending anything. My friend is feeling destroyed and I was seeking advice on how to help her. The situation is also difficult for me and I’m unsure how to support her in a way that honors her emotions and views while remaining neutral on the specifics. As I said multiple times, the reasons beyond that are irrelevant—I clearly made a mistake including them. I've received some very helpful advice and for that I am truly grateful. That’s all I was looking for. Any judgment beyond that is misguided and I won’t be responding again. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 28 minutes ago, Hadley said: I’m sorry you feel the need to shame us. My husband has spent multiple years away from his family, fighting for our country. I think I’ve earned the right to defend my own opinions, just as the original poster has hers. Of course you do. But in the original post, MEmama specifically asked that a rah-rah military approach not be part of the conversation. It's disrespectful to dismiss that request. If you want to start a new thread about the virtues of military life, I'd bet you would find a lot of support from many people here. 6 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hadley Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 5 minutes ago, Hyacinth said: Of course you do. But in the original post, MEmama specifically asked that a rah-rah military approach not be part of the conversation. It's disrespectful to dismiss that request. If you want to start a new thread about the virtues of military life, I'd bet you would find a lot of support from many people here. I’m not going to continue to argue, but I will not apologize for defending the US military against an implicit insult. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
historically accurate Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 4 minutes ago, Hadley said: I’m not going to continue to argue, but I will not apologize for defending the US military against an implicit insult. I saw no insult to the military. She's simply trying to help her friend come to terms with her son going in a direction that she neither foresaw nor wants. 5 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1234 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Hadley said: I’m not going to continue to argue, but I will not apologize for defending the US military against an implicit insult. We are a military family and both of us were born into military families. The OP wasn’t insulting and there was zero need for you and others to react the way you did. OP, I have nothing to add on how to help as I think you’ve been given good advice already. Edited June 30, 2021 by Joker2 4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 16 minutes ago, Hadley said: I’m not going to continue to argue, but I will not apologize for defending the US military against an implicit insult. I understand your passion. I'm saying that your message--your defense of the military--would've been better received if it were part of a separate conversation. You know that whole "this isn't the time or the place" kind of wisdom. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Hadley said: I’m sorry you feel the need to shame us. My husband has spent multiple years away from his family, fighting for our country. I think I’ve earned the right to defend my own opinions, just as the original poster has hers. There was absolutely nothing to defend. The OP didn't say anything negative about people who serve this country. She specifically asked for advice in a difficult situation for her friend. It doesn't matter why the friend is struggling or whether you agree with the struggle. The point is the OP specifically asked for advice, acknowledged it was a sensitive topic and people wouldn't agree with their feelings but asked for the respect to keep it as an advice thread. You and other posters were unable to do that and the OP felt forced to remove her request because of it. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 Ah, sorry, MEMama. That would be hard for me, too. You're a good friend. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I didn’t see the OP before it was deleted, but it sounds like the thread got sidetracked and people started missing the point of the thread, which seems to have been that MEMama was trying to find ways to support her friend who is going through a very difficult time in her life. I don’t see why the reason for the woman’s distress matters at all here. MEMama, I just wanted to say that even though I couldn’t read your posts, I can see that your friend is very lucky to have you, because it’s so clear that you want to do everything you can to help and support her. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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