Anyone care for a disabled adult not in their family?

[omishev]

I am curious what is involved in becoming a caretaker for a disabled adult in your community. We are getting licensed as foster parents but hubby has a lot of hesitations about fostering. I am wondering if providing part-time care for a higher-functioning adult might be compatible with homeschooling. He/she could join us for some of our studies and activities and also choose their own interests to pursue. I haven't really fleshed out this idea, but just wondering if it is a possibility and where to begin. 

OR another thought... I have an aging neighbor that is usually home alone and I am wondering if there is something we can do with her to bring joy and purpose to her days without overwhelming her (kids are 6, 4 and 2)

[itsheresomewhere]

Not to be a downer but honestly, it is a lot of work. While your dream is nice it is not a good reality.  Those who need respite care have large medical and/or psychological issues (behavior). It can be very trying when you have older kids.  We all take turns helping an older adult who is disabled and the days we help, no way is anything getting done that isn’t 100% focused on her.  I think right now focus on your kids and homeschooling.  Your kids are young, enjoy this time with them.   

Your neighbor might not want to be brought joy.  She may actually want to be left alone. We had one neighbor like that.   The only thing we could do is shovel the walk for them.  That was it.  

Edited February 14, 2019 by itsheresomewhere

[Catwoman]

55 minutes ago, omishev said:

I am curious what is involved in becoming a caretaker for a disabled adult in your community. We are getting licensed as foster parents but hubby has a lot of hesitations about fostering. I am wondering if providing part-time care for a higher-functioning adult might be compatible with homeschooling. He/she could join us for some of our studies and activities and also choose their own interests to pursue. I haven't really fleshed out this idea, but just wondering if it is a possibility and where to begin. 

OR another thought... I have an aging neighbor that is usually home alone and I am wondering if there is something we can do with her to bring joy and purpose to her days without overwhelming her (kids are 6, 4 and 2)

 

I think your intentions are very sweet, but why are you assuming that your neighbor doesn’t already have joy and purpose in her days? Does she seem depressed? How old is “aging?”

Alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely.

 

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

I think your intentions are very sweet, but why are you assuming that your neighbor doesn’t already have joy and purpose in her days? Does she seem depressed? How old is “aging?”

Alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely.

 

Exactly. And some at that age are done with kids, as in very happy to not have to deal with them.  

[Catwoman]

20 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Not to be a downer but honestly, it is a lot of work. While your dream is nice it is not a good reality.  Those who need respite care have large medical and/or psychological issues (behavior). It can be very trying when you have older kids.  We all take turns helping an older adult who is disabled and the days we help, no way is anything getting done that isn’t 100% focused on her.  I think right now focus on your kids and homeschooling.  Your kids are young, enjoy this time with them.   

Your neighbor might not want to be brought joy.  She may actually want to be left alone. We had one neighbor like that.   The only thing we could do is shovel the walk for them.  That was it.  

 

I agree. I admire omishev’s intentions, but I would focus on finding joy and fulfillment in raising three young children right now, and perhaps just do little nice things for others until the children are older and require less care and attention. Being a caretaker can be exhausting work and it would also take a lot of time away from her three young children, and that doesn’t seem fair to them

I like your idea of doing things like shoveling snow for a neighbor or maybe mowing their lawn or raking leaves, because those things may be very much appreciated, but aren’t going to take up too much of omishev’s time and energy on a daily basis. (But she should ask the neighbor if it’s okay first; some people don’t want help!) We used to bring a neighbor’s mail from her mailbox up to her front door when we knew she had been ill, and it was such a little thing, but it meant a lot to her because walking out to the mailbox was hard for her at that time. So maybe omishev can start with something small and then do more nice things for different people as time allows.

[Garga]

My parents did a thing that I can barely remember because I was only about 8 years old (almost 40 years ago), where they fostered an old man named Elmer.  He lived in our house in our extra bedroom.  

At first, Elmer would eat dinner with us and visit with us.  But the he got dementia (or it got worse) and he got confused about where he was and threatened that he had a gun and the next person to come to his door, he’d shoot.  So, Elmer had to be taken away by some sort of authorities and my parents never tried it again.  (I hadn’t thought about Elmer in a while.  I need to ask my mom for details!)

I have a retired friend in her 60s who is somewhat lonely in the daytime (husband works all day) and has some medical issues and can’t move around very well.  She is a genuine friend.  I like her for who she is.  She is not a charity case. But I do try to help her out more than I would my younger friends who have busy lives with kids.  Help her shovel (she lives nearby), sometimes take her to medical things.  

I would be careful about whether or not the older person wants kids around them.  Some older people love it, and some older people just want quiet and honestly don’t much like “kids” on the whole.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Garga

[klmama]

OP, regarding the neighbor, I would just do little things like go over by yourself (when your dh is watching the kids) to take her a piece of cake or pie you've baked, and if she invites you in, ask her if she needs help with anything while you are there.  I used to do that with an elderly neighbor when dh was home to watch the dc, and we had a delightful time together.  She really didn't want help, even though she had a lot of obvious needs, but sometimes she'd have me do something that was hard for her, like look up someone's phone number and write it out in large numbers so she could see it.  Once we had a solid relationship, she would call when she had a more significant need.

[Mom0012]

I did Meals on Wheels when my kids were little like yours.  Some of the older people on our route really loved seeing the kids and loved it if we would stay and visit for a while when we dropped off the meal.

[itsheresomewhere]

Meals on wheels here no longer allows kids to help. 

Perhaps this might fulfill your need to serve-  we have in our area two churches that are collecting personal hygiene supplies for senior citizens.  After paying bills and food, they have no money for shampoo, laundry soap, etc.  These churches collect the supplies and discreetly make sure those in need get the supplies.  They like travel size shampoo bottles and stuff, deodorant, sanitary supplies and the smaller bottles of laundry soap.  I add cat food to our donations.  See if a church has that in your area.  

[fairfarmhand]

IF you want your kids involved, go by a nursing home and ask who needs a visitor. 

Have the kids color pages or make valentines or something for someone there. The nurses can tell you who's crabby and who will love the visit. 

[bethben]

I have a 19 year old disabled adult who is my child.  He is really easy going and was interested in what we did in homeschooling, but the only way I was able to homeschool well was when he was in school.  He is a full time job in itself.  He just wants attention all the time and never understood that I needed for him to be quiet for a little bit.  He also never really played by himself well.  Now that he has "graduated" from high school, I did wind up sending my last two children to school because it was too much for me.  

[Ottakee]

I fostered for 20 years.  I will say though if your dh is hesitant, start by doing respite or waiting until he is on board.  It is HARD, very rewarding, but HARD and if he is not on board the kids will sense it and the stress level in the house will be much higher, on you too.

Do you want another person living in your home full time?  I work with special needs from birth to death in various capacities.  Most adult foster homes have 3-6+ residents and dedicated staff as you need to transport them to appointments, day programs, etc. and that might be hard to do with younger kids.

I agree with starting small with a smaller commitment with homeschooling and having younger kids. 

I hate discouraging you.  Foster care respite is often very much needed and you can take the kid(s) for a few hours up to 14 days at a time which is a great way to get your feet wet and your dh and kids to see what it is like. 

[Frances]

11 hours ago, Mom0012 said:

I did Meals on Wheels when my kids were little like yours.  Some of the older people on our route really loved seeing the kids and loved it if we would stay and visit for a while when we dropped off the meal.

My son and I did the same thing for several years.

[mathnerd]

10 hours ago, HeighHo said:

I don't know what your local need is, but here my neighbors that are higher functioning wouldn't enjoy sitting while you run your class - plenty of sitting while they are at their home.  Their need is to get out of the house and get some sunshine or stimulation, and they need someone who can help them obey the traffic laws and manage their personal needs. It also needs to be someone who can commit, as they don't always remember who is who, and that can be scary for them if they don't. There is a ratio of adults: people needing help, I don't believe you could meet that ratio if you have 3 small children that you are also responsible for at the same time.  

You can probably drive any elderly neighbor who is not mobile to the park when you and your kids are going to the park or even take them to the library or some such thing. I would never mix homeschooling with caring for a disabled person because that is a full time job in itself.

[J-rap]

Are you hoping to make a little money from this?  I'll tell you one situation where I think it could work.  My parents are both 90 years old, and my mother has mild dementia and has become physically quite feeble.  She's perfectly content to sit in her chair all day, but my father is afraid to ever leave her at home alone even when she is safe in her chair.  It WOULD bring her joy to watch children playing or working, especially because she can do so little on her own anymore.  I know my father would gladly pay to be able to leave her for two afternoons/week with a sweet family so that he could run errands or go out for coffee with his pals.  

[omishev]

20 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I think your intentions are very sweet, but why are you assuming that your neighbor doesn’t already have joy and purpose in her days? Does she seem depressed? How old is “aging?”

Alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely.

 

True True. I love being alone but I also don't get much time alone haha! She is in her mid 90s and has no family. She walks very slowly around the neighborhood every day and likes to stop to talk to the kids if we are out. 

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, omishev said:

True True. I love being alone but I also don't get much time alone haha! She is in her mid 90s and has no family. She walks very slowly around the neighborhood every day and likes to stop to talk to the kids if we are out. 

Maybe the next time she walks by you can mention that I am taking the kids to the park on Tuesday morning.  Would you like to ride along? type thing.  She might be craving some socialization or not but this way she could say yes or no thank you.  Or if you are outside with the kids ask her if she would like to stop and sit and have a cup of coffee, tea, water, etc.  Then she could easily say yes or no and if she says yes she can easily leave when she wants.

I think that reaching out to her would be nice.

[omishev]

Thank you, everyone, for your insightful comments! I really have no experience in this department and appreciate you sharing your wisdom! 

[Catwoman]

I think it’s so kind of you to want to do something nice for someone in need. 🙂

[MistyMountain]

I used to work with adults with developmental disabilities and there is no way I could do that while taking care of small children and homeschooling. It is a full time responsibility in itself. Even the more higher functioning individuals could be hard to take care of if there were behaviors especially males. I thinking asking if your neighbor would like to do something with you or visiting a nursing home are things that you could do though.