Why do people do this?! (Petty Rant)

[Home'scool]

I have an ex- coworker who I know from years back. We don't see each other much but every now and then she will call to catch up. But the conversation always goes like this:

Me: "So, what's new?"

Her: "Nothing much." Silence

Me: "Oh, okay. Well then...." (I then to proceed to fill in the dead air space by blathering about stuff)

Me: "How are your kids?"

Her: "Fine." Silence

Me: (Fills in some more space with blathering) ..... "Ok, well, I don't want to keep you. It has been so nice to catch up!"

Her: "How is your job going?"

Me: "Oh, well blah blah blah ......... 

Her: >crickets<

Me : "Well, it's been so nice chatting!"

Her : Brings up another subject

And on and on it goes. I really like her, she is very nice, but why call if you aren't going to hold up your end of the conversation?! It just gets so awkward. I confess, I have been avoiding her calls lately ..... 😞

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not everyone is a good conversationalist.  I do think that it is a skill that can be learned and I think that it has value.  But not everyone will give it a priority and I'm sure that social anxiety and other things probably come into play. 

[JumpyTheFrog]

I get annoyed by people who make zero attempt to keep a conversation going. I am an introvert who wasn't naturally good at small talk or meeting new people. I have, however, over the years read enough here and listened to enough podcasts to improve my social skills and get better at keeping a conversation going than I used to be. Still, sometimes I wind up talking to people that make me feel like I am interrogating them because they answer with just a few words, never elaborate, and never ask me anything.

Even among chatty types, I find that it is pretty rare for anyone to ask me questions or show much interest in me. People truly do want mostly to talk about themselves. Sometimes I walk away from a conversation feeling like I'm a spy because I learned so much about the other person, but they learned little about me because they didn't ask me anything. I think something is wrong in our society when so many people, extroverts even, have such poor conversational skills.

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

For those who want to learn how to improve their social skills, try listening to episodes of the Jordan Harbinger podcast (or The Art of Charm podcast when he was still the host - but stick to the last few years after he expanded the topics to self-improvement instead of pick-up artist junk).

[Arcadia]

I “check in” with my friends randomly just to let them know they are in my thoughts (as in not forgotten, out of sight out of mind scenario). I usually use messaging app to do that but I can see relatives who prefer hearing the other person to call instead of message.

[Alicia64]

One person I listen to says some friendships have seasons -- and that when the season is complete it's fine to move on. She referenced co-workers to who don't work together anymore, neighbors who moved away etc.

That helped me gently let go of friendships that just didn't flow like they once did.

Just a thought,

Alley

 

[happi duck]

I don't like feeling interrogated and, ime, conversations don't consist of questioning each other back and forth.  Imo, those of you waiting to be asked things should just talk.

Op, maybe you shouldn't try to fill the spaces.  Then you can take her calls knowing they'll just be quick.

[Moonhawk]

DH does this with people he doesn't know. He's trying so hard to hold up his side of the conversation, but he can't think fast enough to ANSWER a question, only fast enough to THINK OF a question.

The only way he's going to keep a conversation going is asking questions, or a miracle of one of the questions you ask him being something he talks about easily. So, music, typography, business/work ethics, and general thought process and philosophy. But then he has the opposite problem on not being able to stop talking easily and forgetting to ask questions.

eta: but, he doesn't actually CALL anyone because of this precise reason (or friends, because he's past that stage of conversing with them). So I guess she's doing what she feels like she should do (reach out to friends) but is lost after step 1. So yeah that's difficult to deal with and I'm sorry you're put in that type of conversation. 😕 

Edited January 25, 2019 by Moonhawk

[carriede]

Since she is calling you, after a few dead ends, you might ask "Is there anything specific you wanted to tell me about?" If the answer is no, feel free to bring the conversation to an end or else now you know you'll be doing most of the talking the rest of the time. 

ETA: I sometimes get stumped by the open ended question of "what's new with you?" Um nothing, not really. But I forget an outing we took or that we were sick for 2 weeks.... So ask a specific question. How's your son? How's 'sport' going? How's your mom? What's new at 'group she attends'?

Edited January 25, 2019 by carriede

[JumpyTheFrog]

36 minutes ago, happi duck said:

I don't like feeling interrogated and, ime, conversations don't consist of questioning each other back and forth.  Imo, those of you waiting to be asked things should just talk.

 

I don't know if this was directed at me, but I will answer anyway. I don't mean that I actually think people feel like I am interrogating them. It's more like they might say they got back from a trip and I ask about what they liked about it or how they decided where to go. The questions flow out of the conversation...at least if they are at all talkative. If they are the "clam up" type, then it might feel like I am pulling teeth to get them to say anything.

[gardenmom5]

some people are not able to hold social conversations - for a host of reasons.

[Kassia]

20 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

some people are not able to hold social conversations - for a host of reasons.

I have two members of my family who are like this.  It's painful and a struggle for them.  Especially when they know it frustrates others.  

[nixpix5]

I have a friend like this. What I have learned is she likes to be a listener. I do 75% of the talking and then say things like "so I have been talking a ton! Tell me what is new in your life!" Which tends to work better than specific questions. 

[vonfirmath]

I've got a friend who, when we meet in person -- we talk and talk and talk.  SOmetimes we might focus on something in front of us, but before you know it we're talking again.

On the phone... it doesn't work the same.

We moved away 10 years ago and keeping the friendship going has been harder since.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, nixpix5 said:

I have a friend like this. What I have learned is she likes to be a listener. I do 75% of the talking and then say things like "so I have been talking a ton! Tell me what is new in your life!" Which tends to work better than specific questions. 

I was thinking the opposite!  The OP's questions were super open-ended.  Instead of saying "How are your kids?"  which can be answered with "Fine".  Ask "So how old are your kids now?"  (requires a more specific answer).  "What are they doing now?  Or "what grade are they in now?"  This might elicit more specific answers.  I don't think that any of those questions are interrogation type questions.  It's not like you're asking if they have been arrested lately or had any secret liaisons.

[JumpyTheFrog]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I was thinking the opposite!  The OP's questions were super open-ended.  Instead of saying "How are your kids?"  which can be answered with "Fine".  Ask "So how old are your kids now?"  (requires a more specific answer).  "What are they doing now?  Or "what grade are they in now?"  This might elicit more specific answers.  I don't think that any of those questions are interrogation type questions.  It's not like you're asking if they have been arrested lately or had any secret liaisons.

 

These kind of questions are the type that often make me feel like I am interrogating someone, at least if they are the type that answers, but doesn't elaborate. Here's an example conversation I had with my boys' teammates earlier this week. He is 11 or 12, but I have had similarly painful conversations with adults multiple times.

Me: Is your brother competing in the next meet?

Him: No.

Me: So his first meet will be ____________?

Him: Yes.

Me: I'm glad he's finally going to compete. Is your older sister going to compete?

Him: She already did?

Me: Oh, at the last meet? Good. I guess that just leaves [little sister 1] and [little sister 2].

Him: [Some short answer that makes me realize they are both already competing.]

The whole thing felt very awkward, but I realize it is in the realm of normal for a shy homeschooled boy that age. Like I said, I have had similar conversations with adults numerous times.

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

Here's something I have started doing in the last two years. Sometimes I read some crazy, non-politcal story and mentally categorize it as something to share when I am in a group of people I don't know well. The one I have used the most was the story of a German woman who ate age 64 decided to get fertility treatment and gave birth to quadruplets! She already had nine or so kids. Her oldest daughter was 40, but her youngest daughter was 9 and wanted a younger sibling, so the woman said, "Sure!"

Another new one I think I will add is one DH told me last week. I need to read about it directly (so don't complain if he got some details wrong), but here is the gist: Some guy in the 1990s got mad at the town planning board because they made a decision that ruined his auto repair business. He bought a bulldozer and over the course of a year, slowly converted it into a tank. When it was done, he locked himself in (with no way out) and proceeded to declare war on the town. He plowed through multiple buildings, starting with the homes of the town officials, and ending up at the town hall. Nobody died, but it caused $7 million in damage. Police attempts to stop him were useless because a working tank beats police rifles, plus the walls of the tank were one foot thick. In the end, he shot himself.

[katilac]

Because they have not the talent which some people possess of conversing easily. They cannot catch the tone of conversation or appear interested interested in other concerns as others often do. 

Apologies to Mr. Darcy 

 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

39 minutes ago, katilac said:

Because they have not the talent which some people possess of conversing easily.

 

I can't tell if you are being serious or not. In any case, not everyone who appears to have good conversational skills has them naturally. As someone said upthread, it is a skill that can be learned. Sure, I'll never be charming or the life of the party, but I have improved quite a bit from where I was a few years ago. A key point is to actually be interested in other people. I am a curious person by nature, so I leverage this, and find that asking questions and follow-up questions based on what they say goes a long way.

At a doctor's appointment once I asked the NP if she had always planned to be an NP or if she decided to "level-up" after she'd been a nurse for a while. (I didn't word it that way.) She went on to ask if I was a nurse and thinking of becoming an NP. I've had similar conversations a few other times where the person assumed I must want to be in the career in to be asking about it. (Although I can't remember if the former professional beekeeper was surprised I had questions or if he'd had people be curious before.)

[Guest]

I have difficulty with this if I haven’t seen or talked to the friend in a while because there aren’t any on-going threads to pull. Like, if we talked last week and you told me your dh was getting a mole biopsied and gour son was having a hard time adjusting to college, I will remember and we can talk about that a little while. But if I haven’t seen someone for a long while, it’s hard for me to think of a thread. 

I’m also painfully afraid I will tread into undesired waters (like - maybe this person doesn’t want to talk about the government shut down, say) or that I will share things with them I later regret. 

I’m aware I’m not the best IRL conversationalist. It’s one of the reasons I loathe phone calls. 

[katilac]

23 minutes ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

 

I can't tell if you are being serious or not. 

 

Note my apology to Mr. Darcy; I am paraphrasing his statements in Pride and Prejudice 😎

And you are inadvertently paraphrasing Elizabeth's reply: It is because you will not take the trouble of practising! 

Every thread benefits from some Jane Austen.

 

[Guest]

 The scenario that messes me up is when it’s hard to establish common ground with someone, like a new person I just met. So, it maybe goes like this:

Me, awkward conversationalist, going for tried-and-true: “Well, it sure is nice it warmed up a little bit! I was turning into a posicle on Monday with that 10* weather and 19mph winds!”

Awkward new friend: “Oh, I love the cold. I went hiking Monday. That’s my favorite weather!”

Me, trying again.: “Ah. I see. I have a hard time with the cold. Makes me retreat with my books on the couch. Have you read any books you like lately?”

Awkward new friend: “Oh, I’m not really a reader. More a Netflix girl. I’ve been binge-watching all forty episodes of [some show I’ve never heard of because I’m not a Netflixer.]”

Me: “Ah. I haven’t seen that. I have crappy internet and really don’t do streaming much. Didn’t they make a big-screen movie about that? I maybe would see that...”

Awkward friend: “Oh, I never go to the movie theater. It’s just a waste of money and there’s unhealthy soda and animal-unfriendly popcorn.”

Me, just about giving up: “Do you want to stop somewhere for lunch...”

AF: “There’s no vegan place around here...”

Me, inwardly: *sigh* 

[katilac]

14 minutes ago, Quill said:

  Me, inwardly: *sigh* 

 

As my kids would say: Relatable! 

[livetoread]

My dh is like this on the phone and so is my son. I was just sitting here listening to an excruciating phone conversation between them as my son called for dh’s Birthday 😄. I’ll give them both credit though, they hung in there way longer than I would have, awkward pauses and all!