I got my DNA results

[Scarlett]

 NO surprises so far.  ?. My sister’s test is about a week behind me.  I can’t wait to see her showing up as a match for me.  

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, tbog said:

I'd be afraid to do mine. My father was less than faithful, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had siblings other than the one I know about. 

My aunt recently sent hers in and told me Grandma that she just wanted to see if Grandpa had maybe had fun while overseas in WW2. Wtf... Grandma is missing the man she was married to for fifty years and you give her that as a reason you want DNA testing results?

Yikes that was very insensitive of your aunt.  

You would not want to know if you had siblings out there somewhere?

[edelweiss]

26 minutes ago, tbog said:

I'd be afraid to do mine. My father was less than faithful, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had siblings other than the one I know about. 

My aunt recently sent hers in and told me Grandma that she just wanted to see if Grandpa had maybe had fun while overseas in WW2. Wtf... Grandma is missing the man she was married to for fifty years and you give her that as a reason you want DNA testing results?

Wow, that was really insensitive of your aunt!

I understand your reluctance to do the testing in your situation.  I wouldn't want to discover that my father had other children either.  Best to let sleeping dogs lie!  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, tbog said:

 

No. Their lives wouldn't be any better by knowing who my father is...mine sure isn't. Other than medical reasons, I wouldn't want to open any wounds like that at 46 years old. Any kids he would have fathered would have been inside his marriage to my mother (he had a vas after I was conceived), so it would be a tough situation all the way around. The town I lived in as a young child is very small, and every time I go through there, I get asked if so and so is my sister. I have very distinct features from my father's side, so it wouldn't surprise me that its a possibility. 

Interesting how people view this stuff so differently.  I always think how I would feel if I didn’t know who my bio family was.  How grateful I would be to anyone who helped me.  For 28 years my bio sister and I were thwarted at every turn by our dad and his family in an attempt to keep us apart.  We both really resent that time lost through no fault of our own.  

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, tbog said:

 

I don't know...maybe because the family I have had has been very dysfunctional...so why subject anyone else to that. My grandparents are both gone, and my father just has two sisters. I keep in contact with one regularly, though we agree to disagree on a lot because she knows I don't want to hear about him. The other sister acts like my brother and I are trash because we are his kids. My father himself....we went probably 12 years without speaking. We had only seen each other because of my great grandfather's  funeral. I reached out to him...he was "so happy...wouldn't lose touch" etc etc. Another 10 years passed and two years ago, it had been twenty years since he saw me. His mother had passed, and myself, my brother and two of his kids went to the funeral. (My kids politely asked if they could honor Grandma at home, because they were afraid of being outspoken to the man who they have NEVER met). He walked up to my brother and shook his hand, and never once acknowledged me. Didn't say a single word, despite the fact that I was RIGHT there, and stood beside him in the church. People saw me sitting with my aunt and cousin and had to ask how I was related. As a 44 year old woman who had been abused by the man for years, it still stung to be treated that way. Granted, myself and my little family here is NOT like the rest of them, but it just isn't something I would want to bring into someone else's life unless THEY searched it out.

Oh I understand the feelings of rejection. My bio dad gained custody of my sister and raised her,  but would not acknowledge me.  But he did give me the gift of my sister.....I can’t imagine my life without her.  

There is a lot of pain in not knowing too.  

[unsinkable]

NM

Edited October 23, 2018 by unsinkable

[Scarlett]

Yes TBog I am sorry too.....I realized I am so accustomed to that kind of rejection I just glossed over your pain.  

 

[Scarlett]

Here is a funny thing that happened when I first got my results.....my mom of course was my highest match along with two of her newly discovered half sisters.  My next highest match after those three ( and non maternal) was a woman’s name with a dna amount to suggest 1st or 2nd cousin to me. Trouble is the dna is male.  And the female name is my first cousins wife.  I thought maybe my cousin and his wife got their samples mixed up...but he said they have never done a dna test.   Yet there is the tree and there’s is a male dna sample matching to me.  Turns out their son had done a dna sample.  So my male 2nd cousin has put his moms name on his dna.  So confusing! He is only abou 21....I am hoping he will correct it.  

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, tbog said:

 

Meh...I don't allow him to cause pain with it anymore. It stung in the moment, but I sat there knowing that it's his loss. He has three grandkids by me that he doesn't have the privilege of knowing, and who I have raised to be everything he is not. He is the one who has to live with himself. I just made sure to find a man that was nothing like him. ?

Yes, the things our parents teach us!

 

[Tree Frog]

4 hours ago, tbog said:

I'd be afraid to do mine. My father was less than faithful, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had siblings other than the one I know about. 

My aunt recently sent hers in and told me Grandma that she just wanted to see if Grandpa had maybe had fun while overseas in WW2. Wtf... Grandma is missing the man she was married to for fifty years and you give her that as a reason you want DNA testing results?

This is me, too. In fact, I recently visited my dad and mentioned doing DNA tests and his demeanor totally changed. It almost solidifies my sense I may have additional siblings. I have no interest stirring up that hornet's nest!

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, wilrunner said:

This is me, too. In fact, I recently visited my dad and mentioned doing DNA tests and his demeanor totally changed. It almost solidifies my sense I may have additional siblings. I have no interest stirring up that hornet's nest!

I would have to know. Or rather I would really really want to know. 

Edited October 22, 2018 by Scarlett

[Tree Frog]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I would have to know. Or rather I would really really want to know. 

I don't know what I'd do with another sibling. I wouldn't know how to talk to him/her or what I would expect a relationship to be. Or even if there would be a relationship. I don't make small talk very well, especially with someone I don't know. How would we connect? We would have a biological connection, but where would OUR connection be? It would have to be more than sperm and an egg. Honestly, I would rather ask my dad about it. If he told me, I might know some of the circumstances, which might give me and my sibling a starting point. I'm not sure he'd tell me, though, and right now, I don't want to ask. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, wilrunner said:

I don't know what I'd do with another sibling. I wouldn't know how to talk to him/her or what I would expect a relationship to be. Or even if there would be a relationship. I don't make small talk very well, especially with someone I don't know. How would we connect? We would have a biological connection, but where would OUR connection be? It would have to be more than sperm and an egg. Honestly, I would rather ask my dad about it. If he told me, I might know some of the circumstances, which might give me and my sibling a starting point. I'm not sure he'd tell me, though, and right now, I don't want to ask. 

Sometimes biology doesn’t equal a relationship. Like my bio dad and me.  No relationship there. But at least I know who he is.  I would be so devastated to not know who my dad is.  

[Twolittleboys]

Huh, it is interesting how different we experience things. I had a fairly normal, happy upbringing and would be more excited than anything else to find a half-sibling (at least I think I would). I have ordered my DNA test but don't expect any great surprises. I don't THINK there are hidden skeletons in my parents' generation and anything farther back really wouldn't bother me.

[kiwik]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Interesting how people view this stuff so differently.  I always think how I would feel if I didn’t know who my bio family was.  How grateful I would be to anyone who helped me.  For 28 years my bio sister and I were thwarted at every turn by our dad and his family in an attempt to keep us apart.  We both really resent that time lost through no fault of our own.  

My father wasn't that faithful but he is actually a nice guy and I think he acknowledged all the ones he knew about.  I take a "the more the merrier" approach to siblings.

[theelfqueen]

Yeah. I wouldn't do it. I believe in letting sleeping dogs lie and respecting the privacy of my elders. 

I know something about a member of my family that I should not know (came across documents when I was a nosy teenager). I hate that I know it. It is not for me to know. It's for the people involved to decide if/how to share. 

[Scarlett]

I believe every person has a right to know their biology.....who their parents are.  There is much disagreement about that....but I believe my privacy does not extend to the point it would keep a person from knowing who their parents are. 

I was raised that truth is always best even if it is initially painful.    Because lies cause their own set of pain.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Arctic Mama said:

Whereas if some sibling from out of the blue tracked me down I’d be genuinely angry as a first reaction.  Hopefully that never happens.  But I’m not super close to the family I do have, even though we all have really good relationships now.  I have ZERO desire for any more kin and particularly those of the illegitimate/hidden/affair variety.  

 

Fortunately such a situation is a very small possibility with my parents.

You would be angry? At the sibling? 

The child of an affair or an illegitimate child or a hidden child is still a human being who has value.  

[Ravin]

I'm looking forward to what may turn up. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get DNA tests for DH, GF, and I for holiday gifts this year.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Ravin said:

I'm looking forward to what may turn up. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get DNA tests for DH, GF, and I for holiday gifts this year.

I got my results back in less than 2 weeks.  I guess this is the slow time of the year.  

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I believe every person has a right to know their biology.....who their parents are.  There is much disagreement about that....but I believe my privacy does not extend to the point it would keep a person from knowing who their parents are. 

And I believe that any woman has the right to privacy and that giving up a child for adoption, being raped, or having an affair do not need to be dragged out into the open.  The reasons why a woman becomes pregnant by a man who is not her husband are often painful, and digging this up decades later reopens the wound and invites judgment. 

I have no desire to have a DNA test. Why would I need to know that there are other people out there who share my DNA? I didn't miss them until now. It is not my right to delve into my elders most intimate secrets. They are theirs to keep.

Edited October 22, 2018 by regentrude

[KungFuPanda]

I have a very full and complicated life. I have enough people. The last thing I have emotional energy for right now is to manage another adult’s expectations of me as a sibling. 

I have a half sister who I love and am close to as an adult, but I think it’s the shared experiences during your formative years that forge a sibling relationship and that’s separate from the biology that makes you genetic siblings. 

I think it’s fine to be interested in these connections and reach out to DNA matches of people who have been tested. If you start chasing down people who choose not to test, then it’s a problem. 

Edited October 22, 2018 by KungFuPanda

[Scarlett]

56 minutes ago, regentrude said:

And I believe that any woman has the right to privacy and that giving up a child for adoption, being raped, or having an affair do not need to be dragged out into the open.  The reasons why a woman becomes pregnant by a man who is not her husband are often painful, and digging this up decades later reopens the wound and invites judgment. 

I have no desire to have a DNA test. Why would I need to know that there are other people out there who share my DNA? I didn't miss them until now. It is not my right to delve into my elders most intimate secrets. They are theirs to keep.

To be clear, I don’t think everyone has a right to know everything....not about their elders or their own off spring.  I do believe the very specific detail of one’s own parentage is a basic human right. 

.  

[Scarlett]

56 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I have a very full and complicated life. I have enough people. The last thing I have emotional energy for right now is to manage another adult’s expectations of me as a sibling. 

I have a half sister who I love and am close to as an adult, but I think it’s the shared experiences during your formative years that forge a sibling relationship and that’s separate from the biology that makes you genetic siblings. 

I think it’s fine to be interested in these connections and reach out to DNA matches of people who have been tested. If you start chasing down people who choose not to test, then it’s a problem. 

But I don’t really know what that means.  I mean obviously if you test and find a half sibling that also tested that sibling now knows who their parent is.  

As far as having no emotional energy for anyone else in your life....well everyone can determine how much or how little, if any, they can give anyone else.  

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear, I don’t think everyone has a right to know everything....not about their elders or their own off spring.  I do believe the very specific detail of one’s own parentage is a basic human right. 

But if birth mothers have to fear that their choice to give up a child for adoption will become public once this child takes a DNA test, I would think fewer women will choose to take this risk and have the baby.  So,  insisting on this "right to know about ones parentage" will cause many others to never be born.

And this knowledge WILL be public to anybody who shares DNA with these people - the entire extended family will know. I don't think that is right.

Edited October 22, 2018 by regentrude

[Ravin]

Just now, regentrude said:

But if birth mothers have to fear that their choice to give up a child for adoption will become public once the child surfaces, courtesy of DNA test, I would think fewer women will choose to take this risk and have the baby.  So,  insisting on this "right to know about ones parentage" will cause many others to never be born.

 

The reality that, absent termination of parental rights and subsequent barring of contact because of abuse, "open" adoption where some contact is maintained has become the norm in adoption in the U.S., with something like 95% of adoptions having some level of openness. And when one registers on these DNA websites, one can specify whether one wants contact information to be shared with found relatives, so that logic doesn't follow.

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, Ravin said:

And when one registers on these DNA websites, one can specify whether one wants contact information to be shared with found relatives, so that logic doesn't follow.

The mother herself does not have to consent to information sharing. It is sufficient that one of her children chooses this option and the sibling contacts. Or a cousin. Then you have contact for a blood relative and can unravel it from there.

Even if today most adoptions are open (I don't know whether the number is accurate), they certainly weren't in our mothers' generation when illegitimate children were a huge stigma, and there is still the small percentage where outing the woman would create grave harm. It should be up to the mother to share her story.

Edited October 22, 2018 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

23 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Sure they do, but I don’t want them interacting with or seeking out me.  They have no right to me, I’m not the parent.  I haven’t done those DNA tests or gone into any database and signed myself up - I don’t want to be connected with. The parents unit, I get.  But I didn’t sign up to be their sibling and wouldn’t want them just popping into my life.  

 

That probably sounds cold, but that’s my knee jerk reaction.  Maybe I’d act with much more grace if it actually happened, but I’d probably shout into the phone, if I’m honest.  I do NOT WANT TO DEAL with another relationship or person.  I don’t want to be found or talked to or anything else.  

Well you certainly do have the right to yell into the phone to anyone anything you want.  

But yes, you do sound cold.  There are stories of people reacting just that way when contacted.  It is heartbreaking.  Thankfully many more have pleasant outcomes even if no long term close relationship results.  

[Scarlett]

42 minutes ago, regentrude said:

The mother herself does not have to consent to information sharing. It is sufficient that one of her children chooses this option and the sibling contacts. Or a cousin. Then you have contact for a blood relative and can unravel it from there.

Even if today most adoptions are open (I don't know whether the number is accurate), they certainly weren't in our mothers' generation when illegitimate children were a huge stigma, and there is still the small percentage where outing the woman would create grave harm. It should be up to the mother to share her story.

The problem here is the way of handling it in the past.  Secrets of that nature are not good for anyone involved.  And many times these things have come out 50 years later without DNA evidence.  I have told this story before of my cousin who met a man at a funeral who she instantly knew was related to her in some way.  She approached the man and he assured her there was no relation.....but he went home and asked his mother on her deathbed and she confessed his bio father was my cousins father. 2 weeks later his mom died and he called my cousin and gave her the full story.  I hate that he has to remember 50 years with his mother knowing she kept a vital piece of information from him.  I hate that the mother felt that was necessary....it surely wasn’t easy for her.  Hopefully since dna is so easy to get now there will be less lying and hiding of parentage.  

[maize]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

The mother herself does not have to consent to information sharing. It is sufficient that one of her children chooses this option and the sibling contacts. Or a cousin. Then you have contact for a blood relative and can unravel it from there.

Even if today most adoptions are open (I don't know whether the number is accurate), they certainly weren't in our mothers' generation when illegitimate children were a huge stigma, and there is still the small percentage where outing the woman would create grave harm. It should be up to the mother to share her story.

It is messy for sure; life is.

A mother gave birth to a child. That is her story.

A child was born to a mother. To me, this is more than a story--it is identity.

I do think that, all things weighed in balance, the child's right to know his or her own identity--if that is important to them--is more fundamental than the parents' right to privacy.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, maize said:

It is messy for sure; life is.

A mother gave birth to a child. That is her story.

A child was born to a mother. To me, this is more than a story--it is identity.

I do think that, all things weighed in balance, the child's right to know his or her own identity--if that is important to them--is more fundamental than the parents' right to privacy.

Yes.  This.  

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

  Hopefully since dna is so easy to get now there will be less lying and hiding of parentage.  

Not as long as society considers sexuality a moral issue instead of a biological one. Not as long as women are shamed and judged for pregnancies that do not comply with the rules their society or subculture has invented. 

Edited October 23, 2018 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Not as long as society considers sexuality a moral issue instead of a biological one. Not as long as women are shamed and judged for pregnancies that do not comply with the rules their society or subculture has invented. 

I think that if people believe a thing can’t remain a secret they will do less attempting to lie and be secret.  

There is a post script to my cousins story.  She tells about the time her dying dad had her drive around his property that he would be leaving to her.  He pointed out such and so about the land......and then he said he had something to tell her......he began to cry.....and cry....and sob....and beat the dash...and try to get the words out......but he couldn’t.  She finally said, ‘daddy, just tell me...is it that you aren’t my daddy?’,...he said no that wasn’t it. ...then he sobbed some more...and said, ‘ I swore I would take it to my grave’....finally after more heart wrenching sobs.....she said, ‘daddy.....if you can’t tell me, don’t.  It is ok.  Just take it to your grave daddy. ‘. And he did.  

But think. That sort of secret was heavy.  She heard the rest of the story from her new found half brother when she found him at a funeral years later.  Apparently, her father had impregnated a woman who knew he wasn’t proper father material and she married her fiancé (and she told her son on her death bed that he knew) .....a few years pass and someone.....a brother of my cousins father I think...said to him, ‘that baby is yours.  Just go look at him and you will know ‘.   And so he knocked on the door of this woman....and said, ‘is that baby mine?’  And she said, ‘yes he is, but you know you aren’t fit to be a father and my husband is....so promise me you will go away and take this knowledge to your grave. ‘. 

Which he did.  At great cost. 

What good did this secret do?

 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Arctic Mama said:

Uh, sounds like the secret was in no way the biggest problem in that story ?

Yes, actually it was.  They were all a bunch of dysfunctional young wild people.  There was a reason my cousin asked her dad if he was her dad.....she always wondered if one of her uncles really was.  But they all grew and matured and became decent people.  But it difficult to feel decent when you hold that kind of secret in your heart.  

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, --- said:

I got my DNA results a few weeks ago.  It came with a whole slew of people I'd never heard of.  I recognized exactly one name on the list - a first cousin - who was the second name on the list.

The funniest part was the first name on the list was a girl who had 29.4% shared DNA.  They called her my "granddaughter".  As far as I know, I have no grandchildren.  So I contacted her through the sight and asked her about it.  She assured me she couldn't possibly be my granddaughter, etc.  I tend to agree with her.  Kind of odd ...

I mainly did it for the health stuff.  I don't really care about the "DNA relatives".    

What site did you use?  Ancestry uses centimorgams as a measurement....

When you saw names you didn’t recognize, did you not attempt to figure out the connection?  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

 No, I’m pretty sure the engaged woman sleeping with him and then saying very hurtful things about his fitness as a father, and essentially shaming him into keeping it a secret was probably the worst part of it, not the actual secret.  I’ve seen those kinds of tears, and that hurt isn’t just from secrets, alone. She was a sweet daughter in trying to comfort him in his pain and regrets, regardless.  

 

You can keep posting about this but it won’t change my opinion. Keep digging into other people’s lives and feeling really good about doing it.  Because the secrets surely hurt the most, and not the circumstances that may have created them. Siiiigh.

Yes, obviously we will not agree on this.  However I dont think secrets hurt the WORST....but I do think they compound hurt.  And the crazy part is what seems so devastating to one generation is just information to another generation.  

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, --- said:

23and me.  No, the only name I contacted was the supposed granddaughter.  And that was more out of curiosity than anything else.  

Well there are other relations that could show up similar to a granddaughter.  For instance my half aunt is similar to my 2nd cousin.  

[maize]

51 minutes ago, --- said:

I got my DNA results a few weeks ago.  It came with a whole slew of people I'd never heard of.  I recognized exactly one name on the list - a first cousin - who was the second name on the list.

The funniest part was the first name on the list was a girl who had 29.4% shared DNA.  They called her my "granddaughter".  As far as I know, I have no grandchildren.  So I contacted her through the sight and asked her about it.  She assured me she couldn't possibly be my granddaughter, etc.  I tend to agree with her.  Kind of odd ...

I mainly did it for the health stuff.  I don't really care about the "DNA relatives".    

That percentage match would be in line with a half sibling, a niece, or double first cousin among other possibilities (some involving closely related parents)  in addition to a grandparent/child relationship. There are usually several different possible relationships given a particular percentage of shared DNA.

Editing to add link to a chart showing average % DNA shared in various common relationships https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-percent-DNA-shared-between-relatives

Edited October 23, 2018 by maize

[Twolittleboys]

To a certain extent I can see both sides but I do think such an issue should be handled with some grace. I think it is perfectly okay to not want a long-term relationship with a new-found relation, but I don't think it is okay to be rude about it. And as far as relatives "popping up uninvited" - well, they almost always do, don't they? I mean for the most parts we didn't ask for our siblings, cousins, etc. We get them without our consent and have no choice about it (we do have of course a choice how much contact we want).

I was raised with the idea that "family secrets" are a bad idea (which doesn't necessarily mean there aren't any in my family). But today things have largely changed and stuff that happened 50+ years ago doesn't seem worth getting all upset about to me.

[kbutton]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, obviously we will not agree on this.  However I dont think secrets hurt the WORST....but I do think they compound hurt.  And the crazy part is what seems so devastating to one generation is just information to another generation.  

YES!!! It is just a fact, and then if a relationship can be had, a bonus relationship. I don't think anyone in my family that has run into this has rejected some contact or relationship. Some people have not wanted to dig when they knew they had a different parent, etc., but no one that I know of has told a previously unknown family member to go away. On the contrary, they have been welcomed.

In my extended family on two different sides, what seems to be more common than "total secrets" are half-secrets--some people know and others don't, and that has been particularly hurtful to those involved. I have seen a lot more hurt done through not knowing the truth, and it's been deep, deep pain experienced by the person cut off from that information. What is sad is that in the same family, there were plenty of related things that were NOT a secret. There were out of wedlock births that were completely open in the SAME FAMILIES--sometimes siblings. Additionally, the truth that often came out is that relationships were cut off not due to any real fear, but due to MEDDLING MOTHERS than manipulated situations, including having marriages between their kids who "got into trouble" annulled. (The things we know about those people as they age don't bear out anything like, "unfit to parent," so it seems to be just pure meddling for the sake of meddling.)

8 hours ago, Twolittleboys said:

To a certain extent I can see both sides but I do think such an issue should be handled with some grace. I think it is perfectly okay to not want a long-term relationship with a new-found relation, but I don't think it is okay to be rude about it. And as far as relatives "popping up uninvited" - well, they almost always do, don't they? I mean for the most parts we didn't ask for our siblings, cousins, etc. We get them without our consent and have no choice about it (we do have of course a choice how much contact we want).

Being rude compounds that person's pain. I can't imagine it being more unfair to be confronted with "uncomfortable news" (which generally doesn't reflect on your own personhood or choices) than to have someone respond rudely to your pain. How awful.

[KungFuPanda]

14 hours ago, Scarlett said:

But I don’t really know what that means.  I mean obviously if you test and find a half sibling that also tested that sibling now knows who their parent is.  

As far as having no emotional energy for anyone else in your life....well everyone can determine how much or how little, if any, they can give anyone else.  

I wouldn’t actually be mean if someone contacted me. I’d be polite and distant if I responded at all. I wonder about the stability of a person who is obsessed with finding people outside of the pool of people who opted in and took the test. “Your cousin gave me your email address” does not seem like an ok thing to ask for or act on. A letter to my home address gets creepier. Showing up on my doorstep would really throw me. I don’t know how it works and by not participating I shouldn’t HAVE to. Sharing blood doesn’t make someone else’s life any of my business. 

Min light of the current #metoo environment you’d think people would be more sensitive. I’m hearing that “the current generation doesn’t mind” and that sounds really dismissive of people who grew up in a different time. When I’m 80, I’m still going to FEEL like me. Reading your great aunt’s history like it’s the enquirer and dismissing how she chose to manage her life feels more like satisfying curiosity than championing “the truth.”

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I wouldn’t actually be mean if someone contacted me. I’d be polite and distant if I responded at all. I wonder about the stability of a person who is obsessed with finding people outside of the pool of people who opted in and took the test. “Your cousin gave me your email address” does not seem like an ok thing to ask for or act on. A letter to my home address gets creepier. Showing up on my doorstep would really throw me. I don’t know how it works and by not participating I shouldn’t HAVE to. Sharing blood doesn’t make someone else’s life any of my business. 

Min light of the current #metoo environment you’d think people would be more sensitive. I’m hearing that “the current generation doesn’t mind” and that sounds really dismissive of people who grew up in a different time. When I’m 80, I’m still going to FEEL like me. Reading your great aunt’s history like it’s the enquirer and dismissing how she chose to manage her life feels more like satisfying curiosity than championing “the truth.”

We just see it completely differently that is all. My existence is not private or a secret.  So unless there is someone who is a danger to me, being ‘found’ by anyone is not creepy at all to me.  

I don’t read the enquirer and I did not say family history is something to dismiss.  I said it is information.  

And you would wonder about the stability of a person who wants to find their birth parent?  

My mom didn’t even know the man she knew as her father was not her bio father until she did the dna test a year ago.  She was 72.  Her mother has been dead for 15 years and she was the last of 12siblings to die.  The father who raised my mom had been dead 44 years. An uncle who had tested would not speak to her at all. His granddaughter helped my mom fill in the blanks enough that my mom was able to identify a potential half sister who was 84 at that time.  My mom explained to her what she had found and asked her to take a dna test.  The woman was so very sweet and agreed. It was a very high match for half sibling.  My mom has since met her and half a dozen other relatives.  

My mom wanted to know who her bio dad was.  She in no way is unstable.  

[KungFuPanda]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We just see it completely differently that is all. My existence is not private or a secret.  So unless there is someone who is a danger to me, being ‘found’ by anyone is not creepy at all to me.  

I don’t read the enquirer and I did not say family history is something to dismiss.  I said it is information.  

And you would wonder about the stability of a person who wants to find their birth parent?  

My mom didn’t even know the man she knew as her father was not her bio father until she did the dna test a year ago.  She was 72.  Her mother has been dead for 15 years and she was the last of 12siblings to die.  The father who raised my mom had been dead 44 years. An uncle who had tested would not speak to her at all. His granddaughter helped my mom fill in the blanks enough that my mom was able to identify a potential half sister who was 84 at that time.  My mom explained to her what she had found and asked her to take a dna test.  The woman was so very sweet and agreed. It was a very high match for half sibling.  My mom has since met her and half a dozen other relatives.  

My mom wanted to know who her bio dad was.  She in no way is unstable.  

 

That’s the part that rubs me the wrong way. I take no issue with contacting people on the database. It’s the part where the people who have tested press OTHER people to join the fold and donate their DNA.  The choice becomes donate your DNA (and pay for the privilege) or disappoint an old woman? Now this private company owns your information and can do what they want. I don’t even want to think about what health insurance companies will do with it because the answer is NEVER to provide better service at reduced cost. 

[unsinkable]

Could someone simplify this for me?

are people opposed to this DNA testing bc it might reveal unknown relatives who want to remain anonymous/unknown/hidden bc of rape or infidelity?

Does simply having the test expose that info? Or do you need to post the results and that might expose the info?

Edited October 23, 2018 by unsinkable
Typos

[Scarlett]

36 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

That’s the part that rubs me the wrong way. I take no issue with contacting people on the database. It’s the part where the people who have tested press OTHER people to join the fold and donate their DNA.  The choice becomes donate your DNA (and pay for the privilege) or disappoint an old woman? Now this private company owns your information and can do what they want. I don’t even want to think about what health insurance companies will do with it because the answer is NEVER to provide better service at reduced cost. 

I wouldn’t say my mom pressed anyone.  She called the woman, introduced herself and said, ‘I just discovered you and I may share the same father,’. They chatted some more...my mom explained to her they could both know for sure if this woman would take a dna test.....woman asked how much it costs....it then became apparent the woman could not afford it so my mom paid for it.  No one was pressed.  The woman’s daughter was also involved in the discussions and she helped with the technical part of it. 

[maize]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

Could someone simplify this for me?

are people opposed to this DNA testing bc it might reveal unknown relatives who want to remain anonymous/unknown/hidden bc of rape or infidelity?

Does simply having the test expose that info? Or do you need to post the results and that might expose the info?

A person can test (say for medical or ancestry purposes) and choose to keep their results private. In that case the testing does not expose anything.

Let's say though that I have a cousin who is an adoptee; I know nothing about her. She decides to do DNA testing to find out about her birth family. She tests and opts in to the relative database (so she can connect with DNA relatives). I'm interested in genealogy so I also test and opt in to the relative database. This unknown first cousin shows up and we start chatting. We share relatives in common on my dad's side of the family (maybe a couple of second or third cousins have tested) so we figure she must be the child of one of my dad's siblings.

Edited October 23, 2018 by maize

[HS Mom in NC]

Open adoption is mostly mythical in the US.  While most adoptions begin as open, there is no legal mechanism to enforce them.  It's very common for adoptive parents to simply choose not to follow through citing "behavior" or "emotional"issues with the child and blame it on the "confusion" of open adoption.  It's a growing problem, one that will likely increase the abortion rate and further decrease private adoption in the US. 

That's likely true of DNA testing too.  Any woman inclined to keeping her identity private will be less less inclined to place a child for adoption in the world of DNA registry.  Don't forget, with abortion pills now available online, abortion is getting more privatized too.  All of these issues factor into adoption/abortion rates and unless you actually have some knowledge about birthmother points of view, you should be very slow to jump in on one side or the other of these extremely complicated issues that have huge impacts on those involved.

[GoodGrief]

On 10/23/2018 at 8:47 AM, maize said:

A person can test (say for medical or ancestry purposes) and choose to keep their results private. In that case the testing does not expose anything.

Let's say though that I have a cousin who is an adoptee; I know nothing about her. She decides to do DNA testing to find out about her birth family. She tests and opts in to the relative database (so she can connect with DNA relatives). I'm interested in genealogy so I also test and opt in to the relative database. This unknown first cousin shows up and we start chatting. We share relatives in common on my dad's side of the family (maybe a couple of second or third cousins have tested) so we figure she must be the child of one of my dad's siblings.

 This is precisely the situation that played out for me (once with a first cousin, once with a second cousin, and once with a third cousin.) The unknown first cousin turned out to be the biological daughter of my parent's  (now 80-something years old) sibling, who wanted no contact with the daughter. My parent still knows nothing of the biological niece, though there are a few of us in the family in contact with her because we were all contacted through Ancestry DNA (she really is lovely, nice, normal, and just wants info about her bio-family roots.) Awkward to now to be included in this circle of secrets though.

On the other side though, I have another elderly aunt who had the mutually thrilling experience of being reconnected with the biological son she placed for adoption (ironically within a couple months of that time in the 1960s when the other relative placed a child, but with an entirely different desire for future contact.) They have had a beautiful relationship for a few years now.

Edited October 24, 2018 by GoodGrief

[GoodGrief]

3 minutes ago, GoodGrief1 said:

 Sorry, was trying to edit and quoted myself instead

 

Edited October 24, 2018 by GoodGrief

[kiwik]

I think any child born in the marriage is officially the husband's and no DVA test should be allowed to interfere with that.  I also think that you probably wouldn't have much of a relationship once you had satisfied your curiousity so an extra name on you Christmas list isn't much of a hardship.