Anonymous boardie needs resources for healing from childhood bullying

[Catwoman]

 

I’m posting this thread for a very nice fellow WTM boardie who prefers to remain anonymous. I am completely out of my element on this topic, so I’m hoping many of you can help her.

 

Here is her post. (I’m trying to cut and paste, so I hope it works!)

 

 

 

	I'm  wondering if anyone has suggestions for resources for healing from childhood bullying.  (made worse by a dysfunctional family.) I was bullied all through school, teased (and molested by a teenage neighbor) before I even started school - then all the way through jr. high. socially awkward. learning disabilities. speech impediment for which I received speech therapy.  glasses. etc. ---  mocked, scorned, ostracized.  the usual chairs pulled out from under, kick me signs, eggs thrown . . extremely rare for an adult to do anything but standby and do nothing.  (I have memory of one doing so - I was stunned someone would, I also have memory of a couple gleefully throwing me to the wolves.) I've made a lot of progress, in most things I feel comfortable in my skin.  but to be honest - I'm afraid of people in real life. i can socialize at a very superficial level, but rarely go further.  there were times afterwards, I would have an anxiety attack.  I've known some wonderful people, and that is positive and has helped. but sometimes there is paranoia too.   maybe even some complex ptsd - I haven't really explored that. then the social awkwardness . . . I can force myself to be  social on occasion - but I have my class reunion coming up in the next few years - and I'm constantly thinking about it.  I went to my 10, not my 20 because I was afraid to go as it triggers all the pain of school. I've gone to my dh's, and been fine. so - suggestions?   professional therapy isn't doable at the moment (several reasons), though perhaps later.  books?  websites? online support groups? thank you.

[QueenCat]

Gently... I know you said professional therapy isn't doable, but it really may be necessary. If it's a financial issue, there are places that provide it on a sliding scale if your insurance doesn't cover it. I don't think this is something you can get from a book or website. 

[Carol in Cal.]

"Revolution From Within" is a book about kind of building your own self-esteem by Gloria Steinem.  It's really, really good, and kind of gentle.  I think it would be a great place to start.

[AmandaVT]

If you can't attend therapy sessions, online therapy may be an option. Talkspace is one of the companies that offer it - it's asynchronous and therapy is done via e-mail and videos from your therapist. You can check in as frequently as you'd like and they will get back to you within a certain time frame (I think they have to check in daily). They have a rigorous process for therapists to join their team - one of the licensed therapists from our office joined and she said the process was harder than any other job she's applied for. 

[TechWife]

This is a book by a Christian author that was formative in my ability to move forward with my life.  I have a hard time explaining what it is about, but generally speaking it is about acknowledging the story of your life, recognizing the fact that no one else has to see it the way you see it, that resolutions and reconciliation are not always desirable or possible and that we can move on, knowing our experiences made us who we are and using them to build a better path for our lives.

The Healing Path by Dan Allender, PhD.

This book, again by a Christian author, is very practical and gave me a way to recognize what I am and am not responsible for. Using the information in this book helped me to recognize unhealthy relationships (family, friends, professional) and gave me ways to protect myself from further harm.

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I think someone who is not a Christian could get a lot out of these books, but I'm biased in that I am a Christian so I'm not entirely sure. I think they are worth a look, especially the Dan Allender book. I would classify both of these books as "pivotal" at two different turning points in my life.

[Pen]

If you cannot afford therapy but could do things in person you could try Re-evaluation Co-counseling. Where people to some degree learn to take turns listening to each other. And make relieving responses. It can be done by phone to some degree  There are groups / local chapters now in many places / cities / countries  

If you could manage to go to even just a few sessions of therapy with a professional, you could try EMDR with a professional therapist which  has a reputation for sometimes achieving a lot fast. Try Searching ASMR EMDR on you tube where there has been a woman explaining what EMDR is in a (IMO) soothing ASMR manner.  I personally know someone who was helped to recover from severe childhood emotional abuse by EMDR.  And I read Of successful use with regard to war situation PTSD by someone evaluating a bunch of different therapies  

Re EMDR you could also read the book about it by its founder Francine Shapiro    

If you might be interested in / open to Christian meditation related to healing let me know and I’ll look up a source that I cannot recall off top of my head.  Also my PM Space is full and it is something I’d PM Because it involves someone’s phone number.  So let me know here tagging me and then I can clear some PM SPace  

Look up the TedEx you tube video by Joan Rosenberg in re 1 Decision 8 emotions, 90 seconds    If you cannot get to a therapist because of having some agoraphobia and anxiety about even getting to therapist, that video and it’s method. might be enough to allow you to get professional help  And might help in general.  I don’t recall the actual video title  

Joan Rosenberg has also written books that could maybe help—I’ve not read her books only seen the video  

 

 

[sweet2ndchance]

I may not be the best person to answer this as I have some of the same issues but it is due to domestic abuse from my first marriage, not childhood bullying.

I'm just wondering why you are worried about going to a class reunion if they cause so much anxiety and distress. I wasn't bullied or anything in school but I've never gone to a class reunion They have had a 10, 15 and 20 year reunion and I just chose not to go. The people I care about I'm still in contact with on at least a every few months basis and I have no desire to visit with people I barely knew or don't even remember. I just see even less reason to go if it would cause me anxiety or emotional pain.

I have forgiven my ex-husband for what occurred during our marriage but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with him any more than I have to or be his friend. It is ok to forgive and still maintain boundaries for your physical and/or emotional safety.

[Pen]

18 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I may not be the best person to answer this as I have some of the same issues but it is due to domestic abuse from my first marriage, not childhood bullying.

I'm just wondering why you are worried about going to a class reunion if they cause so much anxiety and distress. I wasn't bullied or anything in school but I've never gone to a class reunion They have had a 10, 15 and 20 year reunion and I just chose not to go. The people I care about I'm still in contact with on at least a every few months basis and I have no desire to visit with people I barely knew or don't even remember. I just see even less reason to go if it would cause me anxiety or emotional pain.

I have forgiven my ex-husband for what occurred during our marriage but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with him any more than I have to or be his friend. It is ok to forgive and still maintain boundaries for your physical and/or emotional safety.

  

I was thinking this same thing. But then thought maybe there are some nice people, non former bullies she wants to try to find and reestablish contact with. If so though it might be possible to contact the school and get contact information and call, write, or email. 

In any case getting to where there can be rational choice not to go rather than a feeling of severe anxiety and distress around the event seems worthwhile. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by Pen

[AmandaVT]

17 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I may not be the best person to answer this as I have some of the same issues but it is due to domestic abuse from my first marriage, not childhood bullying.

I'm just wondering why you are worried about going to a class reunion if they cause so much anxiety and distress. I wasn't bullied or anything in school but I've never gone to a class reunion They have had a 10, 15 and 20 year reunion and I just chose not to go. The people I care about I'm still in contact with on at least a every few months basis and I have no desire to visit with people I barely knew or don't even remember. I just see even less reason to go if it would cause me anxiety or emotional pain.

I have forgiven my ex-husband for what occurred during our marriage but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with him any more than I have to or be his friend. It is ok to forgive and still maintain boundaries for your physical and/or emotional safety.

 

That's a good point. I did not deal with bullying in school, but I've never attended a class reunion. You don't need a reason to not attend a class reunion. Not wanting to is more than enough of one.

[sweet2ndchance]

6 minutes ago, Pen said:

  

I was thinking this same thing. But then thought maybe there are some nice people, non former bullies she wants to try to find and reestablish contact with. If so though it might be possible to contact the school and get contact information and call, write, or email. 

 

I thought about that too. A lot of reunions nowadays have virtual guestbooks where those who cannot attend due to distance or cannot get time off work to attend can leave their contact information in case someone wants to get in touch with them. Maybe this person could volunteer to organize this if the reunion committee hasn't already done so? That way they can get in contact and still have something to do with the reunion even if they don't attend the actual reunion. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by sweet2ndchance

[Garga]

I was bullied as well though more ostracized than anything, so it wasn’t as bad as yours.  But it was still very damaging and changed the course of my life.  For instance, I absolutely could not go to college because I thought it would just be more of the same (bullying), so I got a job and we all know that in today’s society you need that college degree to get ahead.  When I’m done homeschooling, I have nothing to my name and expect I’ll be working for barely above minimum wage, unless I go to college at age 50.   

I was desperate for love, so I got married at 19.  I hated children soooo much (because they were my bullies) that I refused to have kids of my own until I was 30 and even then I worried (before they were born) that they would be like the kids who teased me and that I woudln't like them (they weren’’t like the bullies and I love them——but I wasted 10 years not having them out of fear.)

First of all, I’d tell you to never go to a reunion.  I used to joke to the one friend that I still have from high school (the only friend I had in high school), that I couldn’t afford to go to a reunion, what with the cost of shoes, a dress, and the therapy I’d need afterwards.  (ETA: I read some other replies, and now I see why you might want to go after all. But only go if you want to, and not if someone else you know is suggesting you go.  My high school friend wanted to go and she went, but I told her I didn’t want to go and I didn’t go.  You do what you want to do.)

Secondly, I went to a church counsellor for something not related to my childhood bullying.  But as we got into the session, she said she wanted to start me off with checking to see if I had any unforgiveness in my life.  I asked how I would know that.  She gave me a paper showing what sorts of signs there are of unforgiveness.  One thing was “Do you fantasize about something bad happening to the person you haven’t forgiven?”  And I had just been thinking that week about how if one of the little twerps who’d been mean to me in high school showed up at my door in a snow storm, how satisfying it would be to tell them there was no room in my house and slam the door in their face and leave them outside.  (I wouldn't really leave someone out in a snowstorm, but in my fantasy, it was pretty satisfying.)

So, I said, “Yes, I do seem to have unforgiveness.”  
 

She sent me home and said, “I’m going to have you write down every single incident of bullying you can think of.  You’re going to use names, say what happened, how it made you feel.  Use this format:

Name, when you did X, it made me feel Y.

And when you come back, you’re going to say all this out loud with me, but you’re also going to forgive them.”

I didn’t even make it home.  I stopped the car on the side of the road and started writing (I had brought paper to the session).  There were scribbles all over the paper—front/back/sides.  All sorts of memories came up.  I wrote everything down and pinpointed exactly how it had made me feel:

ashamed, embarrassed, as if I would never have the respect of the people who’d been witness, powerless, furious, enraged, hopeless that my life would ever change, helpless to defend myself, etc, etc.  

And I already started feeling better.  But I waited and when I got back to the session a couple of weeks later, I sat down with her and spoke out each incident, 

”Jay, when you did X, it made me feel hopeless that I would ever have a friend because no kid would ever be friends with someone that the popular kids hated and publicly ridiculed.”

Then she had me say, “With Jesus’ help, I forgive you.”

And it worked.  I can’t promise it will work for anyone else, but it worked for me.  I walked in that day still feeling the sadness and the sting of my childhood.  I walked in still mourning my lost and wasted years as a kid.  And they were lost.  They were wasted.  I was miserable and depressed for years and years.  I was rejected and publicly humiliated every day for over a decade.  That messes you up.  It just does.  

But I walked out completely free.  It’s been 10 years since that day.  I can tell people, “Yes, these things happened and they were sad and a waste of a childhood,” but there is no pain when I say those words.  There is no twinge of sadness or loss when I tell my kids exactly what happened to me (because I try to teach them to recognize the kid like me and be kind to them).  There hasn’t been pain about it in 10 years.  

I don’t know if it’ll work for you, but you could consider writing down each incident and stating how it made you feel.  And then forgiving the child who did that to you.  And also forgiving the adults who stood by and let it happen.  

And I’m really sorry if what I’m saying is something that is horribly wrong and it doesn’t work for you at all and messes things up for you more.  I’m not a counsellor.  I don’t know why it worked for me so quickly and immediately.  But it’s all I can offer.

Edited September 6, 2018 by Garga

[gardenmom5]

37 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I may not be the best person to answer this as I have some of the same issues but it is due to domestic abuse from my first marriage, not childhood bullying.

I'm just wondering why you are worried about going to a class reunion if they cause so much anxiety and distress. I wasn't bullied or anything in school but I've never gone to a class reunion They have had a 10, 15 and 20 year reunion and I just chose not to go. The people I care about I'm still in contact with on at least a every few months basis and I have no desire to visit with people I barely knew or don't even remember. I just see even less reason to go if it would cause me anxiety or emotional pain.

I have forgiven my ex-husband for what occurred during our marriage but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with him any more than I have to or be his friend. It is ok to forgive and still maintain boundaries for your physical and/or emotional safety.

ok - I have no advice, - but really, this is faulty reasoning for anything that "causes so much anxiety and distress".  what you are suggesting is "avoidance due to anxiety" - that feeds anxiety.   It is NOT "healthy".  the choice has been taken away. if you don't care - you don't care, not because they cause so much anxiety and distress" that you avoid them.   the fact they do cause so much anxiety and distress, is a sign that part of her does care  and it is affecting choices.

it's the same type of thing as someone who is afraid of flying - refusing to board an airplane. the "anxiety and distress" is fed, and  behavior is changed.  I recall years ago watching a special on dealing with phobias - the case of a woman who was deathly afraid of elevators specifically.  she wouldn't use one. at. all.  the therapists got her on one.  it was a baby-steps process, but it was facing the fear and pushing through step by step.  it took a while, with many steps, but by the end - the choice to use an elevator or not, was her own - because she chose.  if she chose to not use an elevator it was becasue she chose, not because she had an elevator phobia that filled her with so much "anxiety and distress" she refused to use them.

[gardenmom5]

15 minutes ago, Garga said:

 I absolutely could not go to college because I thought it would just be more of the same (bullying), so I got a job and we all know that in today’s society you need that college degree to get ahead.  When I’m done homeschooling, I have nothing to my name and expect I’ll be working for barely above minimum wage, unless I go to college at age 50.   

I was desperate for love, so I got married at 19.  I hated children soooo much (because they were my bullies) that I refused to have kids of my own until I was 30 and even then I worried (before they were born) that they would be like the kids who teased me and that I woudln't like them (they weren’’t like the bullies and I love them——but I wasted 10 years not having them out of fear.)

I'm so sorry.  that's terrible.

I tried college - but I had learning disabilities that really held me back, and I was just a very poor student. (and dealing with the aftermath of my father's suicide and other crap in my foo.) then I got married, and started having babies.

I could do it now - but. . . .   the lack of a degree has eaten at me for decades.(my mother's lack of support for education - even though she did early entrance to university. she didn't graduate.  my brother took eight years to graduate.)   I do think it contributed to my push for my girls to have a good, and marketable, education.  dh has (three degrees) always said he would support me going back, and the plan had been when my kids were older.  then we started over . . . it has been other things that have gotten in the way.  while technically dudeling is old enough . . . . . he requires as much (or more) of my time than the others did combined. 

it's not even about a job  - it's about having the degree.

when I see reports of elderly women graduating from college - it inspires me that it is never too late.   

[Pen]

This is the Joan Rosenberg video I meant:

 

But searching for it, I found others by her that also look good and I am planning to see them myself soon. 

[Pen]

Since this seems like an unusual time when the forum is allowing me to do links, I’ll try another. here is the ASMR You Tube video that gives what to me feels like a calm soothing intro to what EMDR is.

Binaural stereo headphones also are a help to experience the following video  

 

 

Edited September 6, 2018 by Pen

[sweet2ndchance]

Avoiding common everyday experiences like flying and elevators because of anxiety is completely different, in my opinion, than feeling obligated to spend time at a party with people who have a history of being unkind to her. Maybe they have grown up and will apologize to her but she has already been to one and this is still causing her stress to think about going to an optional party. There is no reason, in my opinion, to subject herself in an optional context that is suppose to be fun, to people that cause stress and anxiety. If she wants to go and still feels anxious, then that's a problem to address but she should not feel in any way obligated to attend, anxious or not.

My therapist would not encourage me to willingly put myself in a situation that causes stress and anxiety. We work on dealing with stress and anxiety from things that are obligatory and I have to do, like it or not.  If I don't want to go to a party, I don't have to no matter what anyone thinks of my reasoning. If I want to go but anxiety is paralyzing me from making the decision to go, that is a different situation entirely. It was never mentioned whether or not this person wants to go and have a good time or feels obligated to go but doesn't really want to go. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by sweet2ndchance
typos

[cintinative]

16 hours ago, QueenCat said:

Gently... I know you said professional therapy isn't doable, but it really may be necessary. If it's a financial issue, there are places that provide it on a sliding scale if your insurance doesn't cover it. I don't think this is something you can get from a book or website. 

 

Agreeing with this. My counselor is sliding-scale and it has been the best thing I have done to heal all those broken places from the bullying I endured as a child.  In some ways it is a form of grieving.  It does take time to grieve and heal, so don't be discouraged by that. I am so sorry that you went through this.  

ETA: I have never gone to a reunion. The people I want to stay in contact with are still in my life. I don't owe the others anything and I have no interest in going. I don't buy any social convention that says I must go. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by cintinative

[Chris in VA]

Traumatic Incident Reduction is a technique that can be used to heal these kinds of experiences. It doesn't require a professional therapist, just someone trained in the techniques. 

It basically removed the power the incident has over you so that you don't feel the strong emotions anymore--I mean it sort of "resolves" the emotions. You can look at the experience without falling apart, although you may still acknowledge it was sad and hard and what have you. 

 

[Catwoman]

THANK YOU to everyone who has posted so far!

Our anonymous friend asked me to post this follow-up message here. If anyone has questions for her, she is following the thread closely so she will see them and I can post her replies here for her. 

Again, thank you to all who are posting. Although I can’t reveal who asked me to start this thread for her, please be assured that she is a long time forum member who is very kind and helpful to others, so I really appreciate it that so many of you are trying to help her.

Here is her message:

———————————————-

 

 

 

	I'm grateful to those who have given helpful suggestions, and posted helpful links (which I will get to). Patty, Amanda, Techwife, Pen, Indigoblue . . .Thank you. There are people I would like to see. We went all the way through school together, starting in kindergarten.  I did not keep in contact with any of those people, because I had been so ostracized from "the group".   I am not comfortable with cold calling them- which is essentially what has been suggested. I would prefer as a group. I neither expect, nor care, if the bullies apologize.   The damage is done, if they were to  even recognize they were bullies, it won't change anything that happened. I still have to deal with the fallout, which is what I'm trying to do. By *naively* stating "the bullies apologizing might make you feel better" - CONTINUES to give the bullies power over how I see myself. (Tbh: all I can think of about that suggestion is: how dare you.)  I'm trying to take back that power. Please read about how childhood bullying affects adults. They become passive and afraid to act. It affects their future education, it affects future employment and earning capacity, it leaves them vulnerable to bullying in the workplace.    It affects relationships with significant others, it affects sticking up for their children i.e. against playground bullies.  (re: garga - it affected her choosing when to have children) .   It even affects adult health because of the chronic and intense stress of their childhood.  Not doing counseling right now is not about the money  - The money could be found.  There are other reasons.   Besides, my last experience with a professional (regarding something else) was, an EXCEEDINGLY bad fit.  Man, she was more dense than a brick.  I ended up refusing to go back. It was a complete waste of my time and money.

[Garga]

52 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

Traumatic Incident Reduction is a technique that can be used to heal these kinds of experiences. It doesn't require a professional therapist, just someone trained in the techniques. 

It basically removed the power the incident has over you so that you don't feel the strong emotions anymore--I mean it sort of "resolves" the emotions. You can look at the experience without falling apart, although you may still acknowledge it was sad and hard and what have you. 

 

Interesting.  I looked up a bit about this at this link: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Traumatic_incident_reduction .  I think that Traumatic Incident Reduction is what happened in my counselor's office, where she had me recount every single incident of bullying I could remember.

When I walked in there and started recounting everything that happened, incident by incident and was able to pinpoint the *exact* feeling it invoked in me at the time, it was so freeing.  I don't cry in front of people, but I cried in front of her--tears of joy.  I felt a real sense of relief and joy.  It was dramatic.

She never asked me anything about the incidents, she never told me what I should feel, she never said a word.  She was just a passive audience.  I sat there with my paper, listing every name and every cruelty and how it had affected me...and then was able to let it go. 

To the person asking for help, you might want to skim over the above link. It looks like it's not some sort of long-term counselling, which it sounds like you don't want.  It looks like the person you talk to doesn't really *do* anything.  They're just an audience, and you work through it on your own.  

 

Edited September 6, 2018 by Garga

[Pen]

Do you know that the people you want to connect with will be at the reunion? (It would be a bummer to go if only the bullies show up!) 

 

Is there anyone friendly and nice you could go to reunion with? Ideally a former classmate who would have some understanding could be even better than a spouse .  Can you go late and leave early?

 

Would you be open to trying flower essences ?

 

[Pen]

The website for the laypeople counseling each other I mentioned above is rc.org

My window for doing links ended apparently. 

[Chris in VA]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

Interesting.  I looked up a bit about this at this link: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Traumatic_incident_reduction .  I think that Traumatic Incident Reduction is what happened in my counselor's office, where she had me recount every single incident of bullying I could remember.

When I walked in there and started recounting everything that happened, incident by incident and was able to pinpoint the *exact* feeling it invoked in me at the time, it was so freeing.  I don't cry in front of people, but I cried in front of her--tears of joy.  I felt a real sense of relief and joy.  It was dramatic.

She never asked me anything about the incidents, she never told me what I should feel, she never said a word.  She was just a passive audience.  I sat there with my paper, listing every name and every cruelty and how it had affected me...and then was able to let it go. 

To the person asking for help, you might want to skim over the above link. It looks like it's not some sort of long-term counselling, which it sounds like you don't want.  It looks like the person you talk to doesn't really *do* anything.  They're just an audience, and you work through it on your own.  

 

Yeah, there are different questioning techniques involved. My df who is a therapist and involved in this technique worked with me and allowed me to do some training with her so she could experience the technique from the other side. 

I filled out a questionnaire, picked which area I wanted to deal with, and then went thru the technique with her. My particular one consisted of her naming it and then asking a few questions, such as, "When it comes to (issue), is there anything you feel was left unsaid?" It took about an hour and a half, I think--actually IDK because I've forgotten, but it does take a longer session sometimes. She actually does retreats, so multiple, long sessions over a weekend (along with doing other, shorter one-time sessions). 

It's just very effective. She is teaching the technique to our county, because she truly believes trauma is not dealt with correctly, and is often at the root of such things as addiction and mental illnesses. 

[Pen]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

thing else) was, an EXCEEDINGLY bad fit.  Man, she was more dense than a brick.  I ended up refusing to go back. It was a complete waste of my time and money.

 

At person who wrote the above: 

I am curious to know if the non-therapist non-official-EMDR person leading the session in the second video I linked ends up feeling less dense and brick-like (even though not actually present at all) than a bad in-person therapist. 

[Shoeless]

Things that have helped me work through a great many problems:

Brene Brown

Dear Sugar

CaptainAwkward.com

A few specific forums on reddit (Reddit can be an extremely ugly echo chamber, but I needed a place to dump all the ugliness festering inside me before all there was left was the ugliness)

Online counseling is a thing now, too!  I was surprised at how affordable it was.  

[cintinative]

19 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Not doing counseling right now is not about the money  - The money could be found.  There are other reasons.   Besides, my last experience with a professional (regarding something else) was, an EXCEEDINGLY bad fit.  Man, she was more dense than a brick.  I ended up refusing to go back. It was a complete waste of my time and money.

 

This *is* hard. I saw a counselor in high school that did practically nothing for me.

My counselor now is so different.  Fit is so important. I was fortunate--I had an acquaintance who was a counselor who knew me well enough to suggest a few I could try.  I can definitely see how that would be so discouraging. I hope you won't completely write off the benefit though. For years I read lots of books and journaled and did what I could on my own. I even had a couple of mentors from church.  But none took me as far toward understanding how I view myself and others as counseling did.  It took a major crisis to get me into the counselor this last time, and after working through the crisis, it was obvious there was a lot of unresolved stuff there.  So we continue to work. 

 

[laundrycrisis]

FWIW IMO forgiving as a virtue  is overrated. I prefer to own my own justifiable anger with no guilt about it.  When I decide to move past it, it’s my choice alone - not because I “should” for some religious or moral reason.  I certainly don’t owe it to anyone. Any type of counseling that pushes forgiveness I think might be even more hurtful than helpful. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, laundrycrisis said:

FWIW IMO forgiving as a virtue  is overrated. I prefer to own my own justifiable anger with no guilt about it.  When I decide to move past it, it’s my choice alone - not because I “should” for some religious or moral reason.  I certainly don’t owe it to anyone. Any type of counseling that pushes forgiveness I think might be even more hurtful than helpful. 

well - having had the experience of "forgiving my abusive grandmother" - I can tell you, forgiveness is NOT about the other party. It is about ourselves.  It was about me and "moving past" it.   to hang on to the hurt, etc. - would have been too much like my grandmother.  a woman who never forgave anyone of anything - and could hold a grudge against anyone so long - she couldn't even remember why she was angry at them.  she wouldn't let go of her anger because she wanted to keep other people in her debt.  at least in her mind.  I'll tell you - it doesn't work. I recall the day my much beloved by her many nieces and nephews, great-aunt came up to me in tears, wanting to know why my grandmother hated her.  - well, she's mad at your for something you did 35 years ago  . .  ..she's forgotten what, she just remembers she was mad.

[Pen]

On 9/5/2018 at 4:13 PM, Catwoman said:

. i can socialize at a very superficial level, but rarely go further.  t

 

At the reunion itself all you would need to do is very superficial socializing. And get the contact information for the people you want to try to go deeper with. Then gradually you could work on deeper socializing with a few people  

If you still have much in common at this point  and want to go deeper    

Did I catch correctly though that it is still years away?

[laundrycrisis]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

well - having had the experience of "forgiving my abusive grandmother" - I can tell you, forgiveness is NOT about the other party. It is about ourselves.  It was about me and "moving past" it.   to hang on to the hurt, etc. - would have been too much like my grandmother.  a woman who never forgave anyone of anything - and could hold a grudge against anyone so long - she couldn't even remember why she was angry at them.  she wouldn't let go of her anger because she wanted to keep other people in her debt.  at least in her mind.  I'll tell you - it doesn't work. I recall the day my much beloved by her many nieces and nephews, great-aunt came up to me in tears, wanting to know why my grandmother hated her.  - well, she's mad at your for something you did 35 years ago  . .  ..she's forgotten what, she just remembers she was mad.

Yes, I do it for myself.  Not for them and certainly not for God or some idea of being a better whatever.  IMO the last thing a person in this situation needs is to feel the weight of a moral command from heaven pressuring them to a point of release that they haven't personally arrived at yet. 

[Learning fun]

I was bullied not so much at school but at home and there are so many repercussions because of it. It's hard to grapple with the feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, anger, and grief while trying to function as a contributing adult.

Guided meditation has helped me work through a lot of garbage. I like Mark Waldman as he is a neuroscientist and guides using studies and research and a minimum amount of woo. I also like Jonathan Parker but be aware he uses a maximum amount of woo.

I find autobiographies to be therapeutic. I love reading how others overcome and triumph over their struggles. It gives me both examples and hope that I can do the same.  I also read a lot of self- help books. I recently discovered Brenee Brown and holy cow is she good.

I like to zoom out and take a big view. My mom's childhood was utter crap. So much so that she was suicidal by the age of 9. My childhood was sad but with a lot of good sprinkled throughout. My daughter's childhood is beautiful and happy. I love knowing that my family is being healed generationally.

I try and avoid my triggers. As much as I like popular music I just can't listen to it because I emote too much to the songs. I sort of drown in the themes of regret, loss, loneliness, and sadness. So it's instrumental music for me. I do miss my songs but its just not worth spiraling down like that.

Ive gotten to the point where I'm not really angry with my bullies and can even appreciate them for their goodness ( I realize family is different than schoolmates) but I sometimes I find myself grieving for my childhood self. I'm not sure that'll ever go away. I've recently realized that it's okay that they don't love me and probably never will. I don't need to try and fight for that love. Instead I've decided to walk out of my family's house so to speak and use that energy to explore and live my life with delight. Or at least try to ?.

 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Learning fun

[Pen]

 

 

Robert Enright and others at University of Wisconsin did research on forgiveness and found that it does help the person doing it with their own health and happiness. 

Possibly his book on forgiveness would be helpful (I have not read it):

 

[Pen]

Robert D Enright

Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope

1st Edition

ISBN-13: 978-1557987570, ISBN-10: 1557987572