I am having a rough day with my almost 13yo son...would appreciate some encouragement

[Peela]

I remember reading before about people struggling about their 12 year old sons and me feeling a little bit smug as ds had always been a bit of a challenge but at 11, even 12, he wasn't much different and I felt I had it all sussed. Well mine is a late maturer, he is 13 next week, and I am ready to give up and put him in school!

 

He wants to battle with me rather than really put the effort into his schoolwork when it gets a bit boring or challenging. He has learning difficulties. He reads well but writing is a chore, and he doesnt want to do anything that is difficult. He is a perfectionist. He is frustrated and wants me to sit with him and help him- then he argues with everything I say. I discipline him. I just about burst into tears this morning and he was really sorry. But this is happening way too often and I am really wondering if I am the best teacher for him. He is NOT overworked by the standards around here (on these boards!) and he finishes by lunchtime most days- about 4-5 hours work. Lots of free, physical time in the afternoons with other kids on the street.

 

His dad is around and when I vent to him, he wants to come and discipline ds. And at times that is going to be appropriate if ds is being rude...but the dynamic seems more complicated than that and just bringing in the big guns doesn't feel like a solution to the whole situation. And dh doesnt really have the patience to go into the nitty gritty. He wants to solve the immediate crisis with discipline and then walk off. Dh feels I should be stricter with discipline, but day after day of enforcing that level of discipline with a resistant child who wants me to sit with him while he does his work, is burning me out.

 

Does this pass? Will he ever actually care about his schoolwork? Will our relationship survive homeschooling?

Its a bad day. I am probably hormonal. Ds is sorry and promises me he will try harder, and he can turn from obnoxious to melting my heart in a second. But I would appreciate some BTDT from parents who have passed through this stage and survived!

[Garga]

I have no clue what I'm talking about, but I read in a homeschool book (and squirreled this away for when my kids are older) about apprenticeship.

 

(I wish I could remember the book.) It was about how at this age (of your son) that they are starting to break away from being a child and looking forward to being an adult. They start to "put aside childish things." They start to realize that what they do now will affect their future. They start to want the things they do to be meaningful and purpose.

 

And sometimes with this, it means they start to rebel against what they've been doing all along and need things to change. The author recommended letting them close a chapter on things they feel are childish. I think his example was a child who had studied piano for years and years and wanted to stop. He told the mother to let the boy stop. In fact, he said, to let the boy play a last concert for his family and then set it aside for as long as he wanted.

 

This segues into apprenticeship. He's at an age where he needs other adults in his life that he can look up to. You don't have to completely stop teaching, but you may want to find something your son is interested in, then find an adult also interested in that (or working in a field he's interested in) and see if they can work together. I have a friend with a 12 year old son who loves to see how things work. She convinced the caretaker of the church she attends to let her son help him around the church, changing lightbulbs, changing the furnace filter, etc.

 

Wish I could remember the author! He's famous in HS circles, but I can't remember....

[klmama]

Here are some ideas for you:

 

I would encourage you to put more exercise into his morning. Burning off that angry energy will help him focus better on his schoolwork and be nicer to you. It may make the schoolwork go longer into the afternoon, but the stress level will go down and the relationship will improve.

 

When my ds gets this way, my dh has a little talk with him every morning before leaving for work. The "do your work well, respect your mother, do what she says" talk. It helps. Occasionally, I'll call dh during the day if there is a huge problem, and he speaks to ds again, or he'll call during his lunch break to see how things are going.

 

I'm not sure about your religious beliefs, but we pray about having good attitudes. Studying the Bible helps a lot. Sometimes ds will do his Bible study on his own, and I'll be amazed afterward at how positive and helpful he is, then later I'll find his Bible open to where he was reading and it's all about respect and obedience. It really does help.

 

The other thing that helps is when I remember not to argue when he gets argumentative. The best line I've learned is "I love you too much to argue with you about this." I can be firm, but I don't have to get into it with him. If I can stay calm, his anger dissipates much more quickly. The book I read was a Love and Logic book - let's see, I think it was something like How to Discipline Kids Without Losing Their Love and Respect by Jim Fay. Something like that, anyway. It had a bunch of specific things to say to keep the situation calm and the adult in charge, while maintaining a respectful attitude.

 

:grouphug: I hope tomorrow is better!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that having your dh work with him on projects (and they don't have to be school projects) could be a good thing for him. I think boys at this age need to be able to spread their wings a bit more and to do some learning on what it means for them to be a man. Along with exercise (or maybe somethng physical that combines exercise and work) it can get a bit of that extra testosterone out of the way so that when he studies with you he can concentrate!

[Gwen in VA]

I second the suggestion about exercise. Boys that age can't get enough, and at least my sons just get antsy if they don't use those muscles.

 

I have two suggestions --

 

1) Mellow out on school for a month or two or even three. Each one of my kids required a month or two of no school right around the time they hit 13. Help him to figure out how to use the time constructively (model projects, reading, building that tree house, etc.) And then give him some space and some time.

 

When I despaired of my oldest and gave her 6 weeks totally off from school, I was afraid that my younger kids would then go on strike -- why does SHE not have to do school? Well, they don't even remember that period! Dd was still participating in read-alouds and joining in discussions. She was busy cooking, sewing, doing chores, reading, and I never made a big deal out of the fact that she wasn't "doing school." And the other kids didn't care!

 

2) You are probably doing this anyway, but make sure that some of your interactions with him are positive. If he is doing something in his room, go up and sit and talk with him for a while. Do daily walks with him and let him talk about what he wants to talk about. Really reach out to him at those moments when he is happy and show him you love him. I think kids are more likely to "toe the line" when they feel really loved and appreciated for who they are.

 

My two boys both went through a similar stage -- and I despaired. Well, we all laugh about those moments now, but they are rough. This is a great place to vent your frustration. And here is a hug for you. :grouphug: And be sure to give him one too!

[Peela]

It was about how at this age (of your son) that they are starting to break away from being a child and looking forward to being an adult. They start to "put aside childish things." They start to realize that what they do now will affect their future. They start to want the things they do to be meaningful and purpose.

And sometimes with this, it means they start to rebel against what they've been doing all along and need things to change.

 

Thanks Lizard...I think I know the author you mean- wrote An Angel in the Marble? Ds does have some of those things- Scouts is very good and some young men take him surfing sometimes. He's never been interested in woodwork, building, mechanics, how things work- otherwise I would get him to build something or take something apart.His father would love to teach him handyman, practical skills, but he seems to have zero interest. But I do see the transition happening, as you say. His whole big thing about his sleepover birthday party this weekend is being allowed to stay up as late as he wants, and eat whenever he wants- freedom from the shackles of childhood! thanks for your thoughts

[Peela]

I would encourage you to put more exercise into his morning.

 

When my ds gets this way, my dh has a little talk with him every morning before leaving for work. The "do your work well, respect your mother, do what she says" talk. It helps.

 

 

The other thing that helps is when I remember not to argue when he gets argumentative. The best line I've learned is "I love you too much to argue with you about this." I can be firm, but I don't have to get into it with him. If I can stay calm, his anger dissipates much more quickly. The book I read was a Love and Logic book - let's see, I think it was something like How to Discipline Kids Without Losing Their Love and Respect by Jim Fay. Something like that, anyway. It had a bunch of specific things to say to keep the situation calm and the adult in charge, while maintaining a respectful attitude.

 

 

Thanks kidlovingmama. I am thinking he needs to do something physical before school too. Perhaps we all do.

Dh does those little talks too, sometimes. It does help.

And yes, not engaging in the arguements is something I could definitely get better at. Its so easy just to get in there before I even realise I have said anything. I will check out the book, thanks.

[Peela]

I think that having your dh work with him on projects (and they don't have to be school projects) could be a good thing for him. I think boys at this age need to be able to spread their wings a bit more and to do some learning on what it means for them to be a man. Along with exercise (or maybe somethng physical that combines exercise and work) it can get a bit of that extra testosterone out of the way so that when he studies with you he can concentrate!

 

Hi Jean...I agree, but dh and I are racking our brains for something to get him involved in. He is not interested in the more traditional boy things like building things (never liked Lego much), pulling things apart, mechanics or woodwork. Perhaps something will turn up. He is involved in Sea Scouts on weekends and is a leader there. thanks for your thoughts.

[Peela]

 

1) Mellow out on school for a month or two or even three. Each one of my kids required a month or two of no school right around the time they hit 13. Help him to figure out how to use the time constructively (model projects, reading, building that tree house, etc.) And then give him some space and some time.

 

I like that idea. Thanks for sharing that it worked for you. We are at the end of our year and summer holidays are just a few weeks away. It is tempting to throw in the books already but since as I wrote above, the boy doesn't really get into things (he loves computers and computer games but I dont want him to do them instead of schoolwork) I am not sure what he would do instead. If he was the sort of kid who would go outside and build a treehouse, great, but he just doesn't seem to be, and he has had plenty of opportunity. He could read but I think he needs to move and do stuff.

I am thinking a morning trip to the beach might be good though, since he has become interested in surfing.

 

2) You are probably doing this anyway, but make sure that some of your interactions with him are positive. If he is doing something in his room, go up and sit and talk with him for a while. Do daily walks with him and let him talk about what he wants to talk about. Really reach out to him at those moments when he is happy and show him you love him. I think kids are more likely to "toe the line" when they feel really loved and appreciated for who they are.

 

Yes, I do realise the importance of this. Thanks for the reminder.

 

My two boys both went through a similar stage -- and I despaired. Well, we all laugh about those moments now, but they are rough. This is a great place to vent your frustration. And here is a hug for you. :grouphug: And be sure to give him one too!

 

Oh its good to know that you have BTDT and are through it! thanks for your sharing, and encouragement, Gwen.

[BritAnnia]

I don't have any wisdom to share but I am walking the same path right now. It sure does hurt my feet sometimes!

[elegantlion]

Oh, I opened this with some trepidation. My ds just turned 11 and I see bits of this in your posts. He's had an attitude in the last week, he is also a perfectionist, and he has also had the early morning chat with dad about behavior.

 

We just finished reading Black Ships before Troy which lead to a discussion on Achilles' Heel. I asked him what he thought his Achilles' Heel was, the one thing that could bring him down. He surprisingly said "I don't like to be wrong and I don't like to lose". :001_huh: It helped explain some of the frustration he was having. So I don't have any BTDT advice, but I'm now researching ways to love and teach my perfectionist.

[MIch elle]

but I've BTDT with ds and dh; I feel your frustration. That's why my oldest is attending 9th grade this year.

 

I've read over the years how common this is; I saw the writing on the wall and couldn't do it any longer. We're all much happier now that's he's in school.

 

I pray that you all find some peace. :grouphug:

[Frontier Mom]

Wow, we are going through all this right now. Things are better this week, but who knows about tomorrow. Some ideas I used when ds didn't want to write was I set him up a blog. For some reason, he loved typing into the blog and my dh would look it up and leave him comments. This seemed to really appeal to him and now he writes without complaint.

 

I also let him write on things that interest him. For instance, he is now writing an editorial piece on who is more likely to win the SEC championship - Florida or Alabama. I am an Alabama Alumni and Tim Tebow is his favorite athlete because he won the Heisman and was always home schooled. Not my idea of interesting but got him writing.

 

I think this is a hard time in life and I remember me in Middle School - tough. I would evaluate the things that must be done and take him bowling or something. I think relationships are much more important than academics at this stage. They want to be loved, even if they don't act like it at times. Unconditional love speaks volumes.

 

Once you get the relationship right, the academics will flow. I am only writing this because we have through this so much lately. We have tried the hard-line discipline, as well as the time-off approach. The only thing that has worked around here is one word - GRACE!

[Remudamom]

Mine were contrary at that age but by 14 seem to have outgrown it. The other ladies are right, hard physical activity helps tons. Mine do ranch chores with their dad, then settle down for schoolwork midmorning.

 

I would think Australia would be perfect for raising boys, to me it sounds like Adventureland. Heaven on earth for boys!

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Hugs, Peela! This can be a hard time for both mom and son. There comes a time in a son's life when you're not sure whether you should give him a big hug or just pat him on the back. It's that time when they begin to become a young man. In my experience, I have realized that it is important to set an expectation, while at the same time respecting their level of maturity. There are no quick fixes to this, however. I think it's about time you and he (and dh) had a chat. Perhaps you could mention that you notice that he is growing into a young man and that you are very proud of who he is becoming. Let him know you understand the difficulties of this time of being under his parents' authority. On the other hand, tell him that you and dh are still the mom and dad and it is your job to assist him through the young adult years. Maybe you need to evaluate his daily schedule and brainstorm w/ him about making some changes....changes that will make him more dependent and reduce the "helicopter mom" feeling that our boys feel sometime. Just this morning, my almost 15 yob was noticeably frustrated w/ things I was saying to him. I told him that I could see that he was visibly irritated w/ me. Dh said this, "Son, for the next 3 or so years your going to feel like a monkey. You're always going to be wanting that banana, but it will be slightly out of your reach." LOL...I thought that was ingenius! In closing, I hope you are able to express your empathy regarding the frustration he feels. But tell him that you are still going to be his mom. Then, maybe you two should go out to dinner or ice cream, or something (smile). Blessings.

[Peela]

Thanks you so much everyone.

I am going to try the blog idea for writing.

And I am going to make sure he gets to move before school.

It just helps to know i am not alone in this.

thanks again everyone

[ChemMommy]

So, it helped me that I could see this as a stage to get through more than a permanent stop on the way to adulthood. LOL

 

What worked:

 

1. exercise--long runs that left him actually tired and weight lifting to help him build manly muscles

 

2. projects--I would put him in charge of something (cleaning out a closet, fixing a loose screw, carrying boxes to storage, etc). It was usually something that called for muscles or tools and I was careful to praise him publicly for his diligence

 

3. more school control--I let him begin to plan how he would get ONE subject completed in a week and write out the plan he would follow to accomplish this. Yes, he goofed up at first and had weekend homework (with me sitting at his side) but when he did a good job, I praised him lavishly.

 

4. I started calling him a young man in public (and thinking that in private) and explained to him that he was not a child anymore but rather a young man and that I enjoyed seeing him act older than his younger siblings.

 

5. Chanted "this will pass, this will pass" frequently.

 

Hang in there! 13 yo boys will become 18 yo sons you can be proud of...eventually!

[Tammyla]

Peela, you have lots of company. My ds is still 11, but already has him moments. Since this is new to me too...I wont offer any advice, but send a hug.:grouphug: