New Territory for me (kids dating)

[DawnM]

My older boys are 20 and 18.  Neither has dated.  They are interested in girls but so far no girlfriends.  I liked it that way, they weren't ready to settle down, were focusing on their school, their friends, and interests.

My 14 year old is in 8th grade.  He is far more extroverted and has a large group of friends.  

He now has a girlfriend.  I have a feeling he will be our child who has many of these before he grows up.  He is outgoing, charming, mature for his age, etc....

HELP!  This is new territory for me.  I would much prefer he not have a girfriend this young, but it is what it is.  Her parents like him apparently, he has gone over there several times now.  They go out in groups, with other guys/girls to our local amusement park, to the movies, etc.....nothing alone and he doesn't pay for her.....so I don't quite get it.  He has no money and I am not paying for her, but apparently this is the way it is done at this age, he doesn't pay for her movie, or her entrance to the amusement park, they just are "together" when they are there?????

I still haven't met her.  He just got up the nerve to tell me yesterday.  Apparently they have been "together" for 6 weeks!!!!!!   And he told my DH.  I am mad about that, but he asked DH not to tell me and said he wanted to do it.  DH kept prodding him, but he didn't do it until yesterday.  

I don't really know what I am asking.  I am not asking for morality or "make sure they aren't alone together" or "well, we don't allow our kids to have a girlfriend until they have their own jobs and pay for things themselves, just forbid it" answers.  If this is just a supervised thing or group activity thing we are fine with it.  He knows what is appropriate and what isn't and if lines are crossed, consequences will ensue.

I guess I am asking for support......I can see this as the beginning of many girlfriends through the teen years.  

[Hilltopmom]

Well I’m on the other side of this- dd is 15 and has her first boyfriend.

It makes me feel old. 

[teachermom2834]

I will say this has been the hardest thing about teens for me. It is a relief when they are old enough for it not to have much to do with me. But the younger ones are hard. 

We have had some drama and the whole thing made me uncomfortable but it hasn't been the worst thing. It would have been easier on me if they had waited but I can say they have learned from those relationships and it has been OK in the long run.

Just want to offer some support. I am in the camp of not liking it but not forbidding it. It's a hard line to walk and the judgement from other parents didn't help.

[Bluegoat]

I am in a similar boat. Dd13 now has a "boyfriend".  I also don't quite see the point as it is a similar scenario.  I asked why not just call themselves friends at this point in their lives - it would be the same thing without the downsides - like breaking up later on, or inter-group dramas.  But dd is insistent it is different.  

In a way I'd just like to say no-way, but ultimately I think it is usually better not to forbid what you can't really enforce, so I gave her my advice and we talked about appropiate behaviour etc.

I think I just wish this wasn't a thing in their social circle, because I think it adds elements that aren't helpful.  Unfortunately that's outside my control.  

[Chris in VA]

Pm'd you. 

[gardenmom5]

we have the general guideline of "no couple" dating before 16.   groups of friends, casual hanging out in appropriate venues - fine. (can be very good.)

even when they paired off - we encouraged groups as teens.

I generally didn't have an issue with my teens. ... 1ds, had girls following him around.  he didn't care.   my niece.. . had a line of guys just waiting for the day she turned 16. ...

I think the goal is helping them learn to figure out if they even like the person - as a person - before jumping into if they like the person romantically.     besides - I want them focused on school.

 

[Jann in TX]

New territory for me as well...

Older dds (27 and 25) did not start 'dating' until 23 or so (after college).  Older dd is an introvert-- middle dd is more of an extrovert and spent her teen years with a group of friends (boys and girls)-- but no dating/boyfriend...

Younger dd (now 16) is more of my social butterfly.  Her best friends have usually been boys-- even at 7 years old she hated 'girl drama'.  This past fall she re-connected with her 'childhood' best friend (bffs from ages 7-12)-- but this time it is VERY different.  They went 'as friends' to a winter dance and when they came home it was obvious things had changed!  We are fortunate, due to their past history, that we are good friends with his parents. So far they are 'family dating'-- but they have gone out to a few afternoon movies alone and he has driven her home from school a few times (when I've had Drs appointments) as dd is not driving yet... They tried so hard to keep saying they were 'just friends'-- but now they both freely admit that they are 'boyfriend/girlfriend'.  DD and I are very close (this helps!).  She is open about their relationship and we've talked about boundaries and such.  Right now they are just enjoying their friendship and are so glad to have each other to talk with again-- they spent 3 years apart trying to fill the gap of their special friendship... but again it is DIFFERENT this time! 

 

[Frances]

6 hours ago, DawnM said:

My older boys are 20 and 18.  Neither has dated.  They are interested in girls but so far no girlfriends.  I liked it that way, they weren't ready to settle down, were focusing on their school, their friends, and interests.

My 14 year old is in 8th grade.  He is far more extroverted and has a large group of friends.  

He now has a girlfriend.  I have a feeling he will be our child who has many of these before he grows up.  He is outgoing, charming, mature for his age, etc....

HELP!  This is new territory for me.  I would much prefer he not have a girfriend this young, but it is what it is.  Her parents like him apparently, he has gone over there several times now.  They go out in groups, with other guys/girls to our local amusement park, to the movies, etc.....nothing alone and he doesn't pay for her.....so I don't quite get it.  He has no money and I am not paying for her, but apparently this is the way it is done at this age, he doesn't pay for her movie, or her entrance to the amusement park, they just are "together" when they are there?????

I still haven't met her.  He just got up the nerve to tell me yesterday.  Apparently they have been "together" for 6 weeks!!!!!!   And he told my DH.  I am mad about that, but he asked DH not to tell me and said he wanted to do it.  DH kept prodding him, but he didn't do it until yesterday.  

I don't really know what I am asking.  I am not asking for morality or "make sure they aren't alone together" or "well, we don't allow our kids to have a girlfriend until they have their own jobs and pay for things themselves, just forbid it" answers.  If this is just a supervised thing or group activity thing we are fine with it.  He knows what is appropriate and what isn't and if lines are crossed, consequences will ensue.

I guess I am asking for support......I can see this as the beginning of many girlfriends through the teen years.  

This sounds very similar to how things were during middle school and early high school way back in the dark ages when I was growing up. Almost all of the popular kids were paired off, but some never did anything more than sit beside each other at school activities or the very few parties or outings (I lived in a really small town), while others gradually shifted to reguar dating and some of them are still married 30+ years later. 

[nixpix5]

Having been through this twice already with my older two my best advice is to stay as non judgmental as possible and keep those communication lines open. Both of my sons started having girlfriends around that age but one of my sons in particular just had THAT thing that some guys have that cause girls to flock. He is extremely good looking but even more so, he exuded a confidence and charisma that broke hearts. I swear I didn't think I would survive the teen years haha. I was so worried for him. Our close relationship and open communication was our saving grace. I volunteered to drive them places if they wanted to go to the mall or see a movie. I created opportunities to invite them over for dinner, time with the family and so forth. I talked openly about pitfalls to relationships and keeping themselves accountable by making wise choices about how and where they spend their time. I made sure the other parents supervised when they were at the gf's house and so forth. 

You cannot stop it so you may as well embrace it on your terms. Remember if he says he loves someone, to not treat it lightly. Those emotions are real for him whether we believe it to be accurate. Continually talk about what he values in a girlfriend and why. Help him to connect these ideals to those pieces of himself he holds precious. This will grow him as someone who is selective about his SO. 

[rose]

One suggestion that I have is that you try really hard to not say anything critical of a girl friend because you never know if she will become a daughter in law someday. My mil made that mistake and I still remember it today. If something needs to be said then let your dh do the job. A dil can probably handle it better from her fil.

[DawnM]

And, he asked if she could come over this afternoon/evening!  So, I guess I will meet her.

AND he cleaned the house for 3 hours!  #BONUS!  #SCORE! #MaybeThisWon'tBeSoBad????

[Farrar]

The "point" is that they like each other and have romantic and possibly sexual feelings for each other. There may also be a little peer pressure - wanting to be cool and have a boyfriend/girlfriend experience or status symbol. But it's not so ubiquitous these days, so I think it's mostly genuinely that they're into each other.

I know that experiences aren't going to be the same among any given group... but are there really parents here who don't remember being young and having your first budding crush and romance? Whether that happened for your at age 13 or age 20? If you were on the later end, just recognize that earlier is normal too and try to remember those feelings. In a younger way, that's what they're feeling, even if it's a little scary for you as a parent.

[Bluegoat]

31 minutes ago, Farrar said:

The "point" is that they like each other and have romantic and possibly sexual feelings for each other. There may also be a little peer pressure - wanting to be cool and have a boyfriend/girlfriend experience or status symbol. But it's not so ubiquitous these days, so I think it's mostly genuinely that they're into each other.

I know that experiences aren't going to be the same among any given group... but are there really parents here who don't remember being young and having your first budding crush and romance? Whether that happened for your at age 13 or age 20? If you were on the later end, just recognize that earlier is normal too and try to remember those feelings. In a younger way, that's what they're feeling, even if it's a little scary for you as a parent.

 

I don't really think that having romantic or sexual feelings is intrinsically related to a requirement to pair off in an exclusive thing.  THat's a particular way some groups of kids do things, that's all.  I mean, I get that is the point to them, and I expect that the OP does as well, but it's a rather thin pretext for a "relationship" that comes with certain expectations.

[hepatica]

That's awesome! And, he told you about it, which is also awesome. Sounds like a great kid - in your words "outgoing, charming and mature." I'd let him know that you have confidence in him to make good decisions and count your blessings that he is open to talking.

[RootAnn]

When I was young, we had the 'no dating until 16' rule. I almost think it made me more boy-crazy than I already was because I did go a little overboard when I could finally date (2-3 dates each weekend, each with a different boy). That has made me think I'm not going in that direction with my kids. If I had been a different kind of kid, it could have just made me go underground with my relationships - hiding & lying about where I was & who I was with. I don't want to encourage that.

One of my daughters is definitely a mini-me when it comes to interest in boys. I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open and try to be as non-judgmental as possible. I remember how some of my boyfriends were just 'for fun' and there were other boys in whom I was much more seriously interested. Those first crushes were intense and I definitely shed some tears a couple of times over the years. I didn't (don't) have a good relationship with my mom and none of my friends at the time were in the same type of stage of relationships that I was. It helps to have someone to talk things over with when things are rocky or even when they are good. (Just keep your mouth shut while they rant & don't say something you'll later regret - especially when they are on the 'outs' - because when they get back together, your remarks won't be appreciated.)

[Liz CA]

4 hours ago, nixpix5 said:

Having been through this twice already with my older two my best advice is to stay as non judgmental as possible and keep those communication lines open. Both of my sons started having girlfriends around that age but one of my sons in particular just had THAT thing that some guys have that cause girls to flock. He is extremely good looking but even more so, he exuded a confidence and charisma that broke hearts. I swear I didn't think I would survive the teen years haha. I was so worried for him. Our close relationship and open communication was our saving grace. I volunteered to drive them places if they wanted to go to the mall or see a movie. I created opportunities to invite them over for dinner, time with the family and so forth. I talked openly about pitfalls to relationships and keeping themselves accountable by making wise choices about how and where they spend their time. I made sure the other parents supervised when they were at the gf's house and so forth. 

You cannot stop it so you may as well embrace it on your terms. Remember if he says he loves someone, to not treat it lightly. Those emotions are real for him whether we believe it to be accurate. Continually talk about what he values in a girlfriend and why. Help him to connect these ideals to those pieces of himself he holds precious. This will grow him as someone who is selective about his SO. 

 

This is so important and helpful. They can see gaps (if there are any) if they clarify their own values first.

[Farrar]

1 hour ago, Bluegoat said:

 

I don't really think that having romantic or sexual feelings is intrinsically related to a requirement to pair off in an exclusive thing.  THat's a particular way some groups of kids do things, that's all.  I mean, I get that is the point to them, and I expect that the OP does as well, but it's a rather thin pretext for a "relationship" that comes with certain expectations.

Of course pairing off isn't required. Presumably they want to. I'm not sure why want is a thin pretext. Most adults don't need to be paired off either. We just also want to. As we get older, there's also concerns about finances and having children, but for the most part "I want to" is the primary basis of all romantic relationships. Or, it should be, because consent, super important and all that. For kids, this is part of figuring out their romantic and sexual selves.

I think these early relationships really run the gamut... some kids do hold hands, kiss, or even more at this age. But many "date" or "go out" without ever touching or doing anything that we, as adults, would consider sexual or romantic. So to us it seems silly, but to them it's very real. And the things that are "romantic" are cultural. "Romantic" gestures to a first century Roman or a pre-Columbian Cherokee or even to a teenager vs. a Baby Boomer are just going to be different.

[DawnM]

Well, she is here.  They have been watching a movie and we had dinner.  She is an honor student, comes from a great family, and seems very nice.  I think she was a little nervous and giggled a little often, but she is nice.  

 

My son wasn't really happy because I asked a few too many questions!  HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  I am a school counselor, it is in my nature!  DEAL KID!

[PrincessMommy]

5 hours ago, DawnM said:

And, he asked if she could come over this afternoon/evening!  So, I guess I will meet her.

AND he cleaned the house for 3 hours!  #BONUS!  #SCORE! #MaybeThisWon'tBeSoBad????

 

That is a score in my book!  LOL

I definitely notice that my kids are very well behaved when there's a boy/girl - friend in the house.   

But, these are older kids than your son.  The only time my kids have dated that young (2 of them have) it was over in a couple of weeks.  Your son has lasted longer than that.  So, not much advice.