Another game show question

[Night Elf]

So the question is: We asked 100 married women, did you sacrifice your ambitions to further your husband's career? This game show is from the very early 80s. The answer was 27 married women said yes they did.

 

I feel I sacrificed in my first marriage. My ex was in school and I yo yo'd between being in school and working full time to bring in a much needed income. His education was more important than mine though I don't recall there being a reason why. It just seemed the thing to do. And in the end, he graduated and I didn't. We divorced a year after he got his master's degree. I'm still kind of bitter about that. I've tried twice more in my adult life to earn a college degree and it just didn't work out.

 

I haven't had to sacrifice in my current marriage. I'm content with what I'm doing. I never had to squelch dreams so DH could shine. He supports me in what I have had wanted to do.

[regentrude]

I find the question problematic because "sacrifice" is loaded with value judgement. Often, the same outcome could be interpreted either as "sacrifice" or as "best mutual decision for our family", and I suspect the answer depends more on how the person feels about her marriage overall. The same act that is seen as a sacrifice for a partner who is unsupportive can be interpreted as a mutual decision for the best of the family in a supportive, loving marriage, and a decision that first felt mutual can over the years come to feel like a sacrifice and vice versa.

 

My DH and I were on the same career trajectory. We both finished college, graduate degree and postdoc. He continued in an academic career; I had babies, stayed home for a few years, returned to work part time with no chance of ever getting back on the academic career track. If my DH were an unloving jerk, I might feel that I sacrificed. But he is a loving, supportive person, and I feel that we made these decisions together for the best for our entire family. 

Edited November 9, 2017 by regentrude

[creekland]

I didn't.  The AF kicked me out due to perceived asthma.  I wasn't sure what to do afterward.  The fact that I ended up with a "career" as a substitute teacher was 100% my decision to keep our schedule free enough to enjoy life on our schedule.  Hubby would have been supportive with any direction I chose from SAHM to full time career.  I love that man!

 

Sometimes I get wistful that I didn't end up with Plan A, but there was no sacrifice involved.  

[kroe1]

No, everyone went to college and worked on his ambitions, the adults as well as the kids. In order to survive, however, that meant 3 jobs at once, getting up at 5 am and getting home at 11, every weekend at the library, ridiculously creative carpools, messy tiny homes, never buying anything on credit, no vacations for 20 years, and learning to sleep standing up.

 

Now that life is slower and we are facing the empty nest years, I can tell you those were the best years. Slowing down and free time is not a good thing.

[JustEm]

Nope. I'm the one with the college degree in this household. Dh made the decision not to get one when he was younger because he already had his career and didn't need a degree for it. I made the decision not to work and be home with the kids all on my own because that is what I wanted to do. Had dh not wanted to be the breadwinner or not wanted a SAHW we would have discussed things and figured it out but he is in a job he'd do even if he didn't need the money and I'm doing what I want to do so everyone is quite happy.

[Annie G]

Now that life is slower and we are facing the empty nest years, I can tell you those were the best years. Slowing down and free time is not a good thing.

 

I disagree that slowing down and free time are not good things.   It's ok to have a hobby or to enjoy a road trip. 

 

But back to the original question:

 

I did sacrifice, but it was because I was young, insecure, and didn't have professional women as role models.  I should have been more confident about expressing my dreams. Now, this was the 1970's and my parents didn't support me going to college because they figured I should just marry and be a wife like my mother and grandmothers had done. 

 

A decade later I met a guy who encouraged me to reach for my dreams. Neither of us has achieved everything we wanted, but I'm ok with that. It's a lot more satisfying than not even trying, or being told I can't do great things. 

[desertstrawberry5]

Yup. Still.

I have been home for 10 years, not working in my field, not using my degree, while I support his crazy hours. He's out of town right now. He works 4 days, off three days. I could pick up shifts, but he's not ok with being responsible for the kids while I work. 

I wish I hadn't gone back to school. We have so much student loan debt for a degree I have never used. 
 

[Pawz4me]

No

[almondbutterandjelly]

No.  I had no career ambitions.  I have always wanted to stay home with my kid.

[I talk to the trees]

Yes.

[creekland]

FWIW, this is one empty nester who is rather enjoying the different stage in life - even though I thoroughly enjoyed the "kids at home" years too.  They are different with different pros and cons, but I certainly can't say this one is bad.  I love keeping up with my adult kids and watching them fly while having less "stuff" (including parenting) to do at home.

[happypamama]

Nope. Not at all. I have a degree that I worked hard to earn. I liked what I studied and feel fortunate that I was able to do it. I put my time in working while DH and I were newlyweds while he went to more school and then before we had our oldest, but I never wanted to stay in a career track. I never had a career I wanted to do. Even in elementary and high school, I scratched my head, trying to think of a job I wanted to have. It wasn’t socially acceptable for a good student to say, “Um, I want to have a lot of babies because I love babies and hate having to give them back and getting to cuddle my own all day sounds like the best thing ever,†so I eventually said teaching. My dad was a teacher so that was acceptable. But I didn’t major in education and had zero desire to be a teacher in a school. Neither of us ever wanted our little ones in daycare, so we have always planned for one of us to be home. I wanted to, and I’m more suited for that anyway, so it was a natural choice but I don’t really feel it was a sacrifice.

 

I may go back to school in a few years and pick up a career. It took me forty years and a tragedy to show me something that I might actually want to do.

[Tap]

100% yes

[Raifta]

I'm not sure that I sacrificed my ambitions to further DH's career but did so to some extent to be with him.  

 

The career I was looking at initially when we first started dating would have required me to be constantly moving from one city to the next pursuing the next job and there was never any certainty of finding another job.  DH never said anything against it but he wasn't willing to be involved in a mostly long distance relationship.  

 

I decided to pursue graduate studies in another area but became disillusioned with the quality of research (at least at the institution I was attending).  By that time I'd also realized that 1. DH was not keen on moving anywhere or travel and 2. in order to be able to afford a house where we were living was ideal so moving to another university to continue my graduate work and find a job (which would hopefully have been in academia) was unlikely.

 

In the end I was pretty happy with where I ended up from a job perspective and even happier when I got to be home with the kids part time (and full time for 2 years).

[Jenny in Florida]

I disagree that slowing down and free time are not good things.   It's ok to have a hobby or to enjoy a road trip. 

 

Yeah, if those things float your boat, it's certainly okay. 

 

I find I have plenty of time for hobbies and such around the edges of things that feel much more fulfilling for me.

 

While my kids were home and still needed me, the work of being a homeschooling mom was that thing. Now I work full-time to keep busy, and I realize how much ground I gave up to stay home.

Edited November 10, 2017 by Jenny in Florida

[maize]

No, my greatest ambition was to nurture young humans and that is exactly what I am doing.

 

Early in our marriage my husband gave up a job to follow me out of state for a military assignment. Once kids came and I left the military I followed him where his career took him. We each work in our own ways for the benefit of the family.

[Zinnia]

I gave up my career, but it was more of a mutual decision. His path had better earning potential, and we knew we wanted someone at home with the kids, at least part time. As newlyweds, I worked as he went through grad school. That was step 1 of the plan, though the plan wasn't well defined or anything.. We just knew that it was worth it to invest in his career and that it would pay off.

[marbel]

Huh, I think both parties in a marriage sacrifice something along the way. I also don't look at sacrifice as a negative thing.

 

ETA, I should say that sacrifice is not necessarily a negative thing to me. Sometimes it is.

Edited November 10, 2017 by marbel

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

I gave up, or postponed, some dreams for the sake of our family and am currently a SAH, homeschooling, piano teaching mom. My DH works an incredibly difficult job to support us. We’ve both sacrificed but there’s nothing negative about it. It’s not like one of us is being selfish and doing only what we want at the expense of the other. We both willingly do what we need to do and are best suited for for the good of our family as a whole. Some of our dreams will never be achieved and that’s ok. For him, it’s because his dream is a one-in-million sort of thing that costs millions of dollars upfront and requires very specific connections. For me, it’s because I simply have too many dreams to achieve in a lifetime. As it stands right now I have more freedom to pursue my interests than he does because I’m not tied to a career and have more control over my own schedule. Besides all of that, there’s no reason that we can’t move on to doing new things in the future. And we plan to. I’ll go to school and get into the career I’m interested in and he’ll leave the high stress job for something else. Or we’ll decide that some other plan is better for us. We’re a team and we support each other as we pursue what’s best for the team rather than the individual.