Free-ranging, special needs, move, going backwards?

[luuknam]

Okay, so my 5th grader with an ASD has been walking to the playground alone for a couple of years (he didn't do it very often at first, but he did it a fair amount the year before we moved). That involved crossing 6 or so quiet residential streets in a safe neighborhood to get there. I specifically did not let him ride his bike alone to the playground though, because he just doesn't pay enough attention crossing those same exact roads while riding a bike, but, he did okay when walking, imo.

 

Anyway, in an ideal world, the idea would be to increase his independence as he gets older. However, unfortunately, since we moved I'm not sure what to do wrt his level of free-rangedness. If he were a neurotypical 5th grader, I'd almost certainly say that he's old enough now to walk the 4/5 of a mile to the library, or the 1/2 mile to the grocery store to buy something. And definitely to walk to the playground, which is at the end of the next block on our street. 

 

However, the neighborhood is not quite as safe from a crime perspective (though not a dangerous neighborhood), and, more importantly, the roads he'd have to cross are not quiet residential roads. For the playground, he'd have to cross one fairly busy road without a traffic light or crosswalk (and one quiet residential road, which is not an issue), for the library he'd have to cross a bunch of roads, for a couple of which the pedestrian traffic lights don't work in one direction or the other (i.e. they'll never turn green), and for the grocery store he's just have to cross a several roads, but the busy ones have traffic lights. Also, all the residential streets here have a ton of cars parked on the road, which makes it harder for a 4'2" or 4'3" tall kid to see if any traffic is coming.

 

So, basically not sure what to do... as is, my inclination is to not let him walk anywhere alone. But it's also hard to tell if I'm just being overprotective. Of course, the latter is hard for y'all to judge, without knowing my kid... I'm just trying to figure out what to do, since I'm really hating the thought of just going completely backwards and telling him he can't walk anywhere alone, when he should be increasing his range. 

[Ravin]

DD, with her anxiety, ADHD, and executive function issues, often needs more structuring of her orientation to new environments. Once she is familiar with a destination/route/area, she is quite capable of navigating it independently, but at that age, needed to first be shown (go together, going over all the steps as we went), then shadowed a few times (I would trail behind, she led the way), before she would feel confident that she could find her way.

 

Even now, when she has and knows how to use a smartphone with Google Maps, etc., for new routes she prefers to have me show her (though I can down drive a route, and as long as she pays attention and gets some landmarks, she can figure the route out on foot).

 

With your son I would first identify the skills needed, both social (for instance, practice ignoring or walking away from unwanted confrontations, remembering never to get in a vehicle with someone you don't know and/or don't have parental permission to ride with), and navigational (how to choose the safest route, which side of the road to walk on, crossing only at a light, looking both ways and for people turning, etc.), then work on those starting with the closest destinations using the "together/shadow/alone" scaling approach.

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would do it in stages

 

1.. Walk together right now. Verbalize the safety steps. "We have come to a busy street. Let's look both ways."

 

2.. Later have him start verbalizing the safety steps. "What do we do when we come to this busy street?"

 

3.. Then move to having him go a block ahead of you. Watch to see that he's doing the safety steps where you can step in if need be.

 

4. Let him go.

 

Btw: when my kids were at that age and were starting to free range they had a Walkie talkie with them

 

 

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[Jean in Newcastle]

Ravin and I do it the same way.

 

 

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[Anne in CA]

Yes, even for a neurotypical child you must sometimes go backward when you move. We had to with our oldest after a move because of family circumstances and she was simply under too much stress to act her age and we had to go backward in many ways. We had to move her bedtime up (she needed more sleep), we had to cut back on screen time (it caused her stress), we had to quit letting her go alone to friend's houses for a bit (she was choosing friends who were into vandalism) and she was very unhappy, but we had moved and she didn't deal with the move well. 

[luuknam]

DD, with her anxiety, ADHD, and executive function issues, often needs more structuring of her orientation to new environments. Once she is familiar with a destination/route/area, she is quite capable of navigating it independently, but at that age, needed to first be shown (go together, going over all the steps as we went), then shadowed a few times (I would trail behind, she led the way), before she would feel confident that she could find her way.

 

 

Right... and that's what I did before letting him walk to the playground alone at our previous place, and what I'd probably do if I were to let him walk somewhere alone here (he's walked to the library and to the playground with me multiple times, never to grocery store).

 

I guess the main thing is that I'm not sure how well he'd be able to tell when to cross the busy road he'd need to cross... previously, there were stop signs all over the place, so even though the speed limit was 30mph, cars just never went that fast near an intersection... even if they did not make a full stop, they just weren't doing 30. Whereas here he'd have to deal with cars going 35 from both directions (speed limit is 30, but...), with a high statistical likelihood that there will be cars coming from both directions. I mean, that's for the playground. For the library he'd have to cross that road without a traffic light only once (due to non-working light), and for the grocery store I'm pretty sure the lights work in every direction, but, realistically, grocery store doesn't sound like a destination he'd be all that interested in. 

 

I guess what I need to do is make him decide when we're crossing the busy road every time we walk together to cross it, and see how that goes. 

[QueenCat]

 

With your son I would first identify the skills needed, both social (for instance, practice ignoring or walking away from unwanted confrontations, remembering never to get in a vehicle with someone you don't know and/or don't have parental permission to ride with), and navigational (how to choose the safest route, which side of the road to walk on, crossing only at a light, looking both ways and for people turning, etc.), then work on those starting with the closest destinations using the "together/shadow/alone" scaling approach.

 

Great way of describing what I was going to say.

[luuknam]

But changing up the rules because you have moved is not wrong, it's something every parent deals with when they move, neurotypical or not (said as a person who moved a LOT as a kid.)

 

 

I didn't mean to imply that it would be Wrong... just that from his perspective, it sucks to have those freedoms taken away, like I don't trust him anymore, and from my perspective it sucks because I'm trying to work towards independence, not away from it. I get that sometimes there are no other choices to make, and yes, you're right that that's true for neurotypical kids as well.

[Rachel]

I think you should practice with him being in charge until you are comfortable with him going on his own. My son is a year younger and NT, for how you described the new situation I'd be nervous letting my own son go in his own.

 

Can you complain to the transportation department/police/city about the light that doesn't work? If that could get fixed it would help.

[luuknam]

I guess part of my point about the special needs was that he had worked up to about the same level of free range ability as NT kids his age back at our old place, whereas here I feel that I have to restrict him because of the SN... so, that stings a little. 

[Rachel]

I guess part of my point about the special needs was that he had worked up to about the same level of free range ability as NT kids his age back at our old place, whereas here I feel that I have to restrict him because of the SN... so, that stings a little.

Yes, that is tough but in time he will be back to the same level of freedom he had before. I can tell you are a very conscientious and loving mom.

[luuknam]

Can you complain to the transportation department/police/city about the light that doesn't work? If that could get fixed it would help.

 

 

It's on my to-do list. To be honest, the library (which is the only destination with the non-working traffic light) would be a stretch even if the light works... for one, the first time I walked home from that library some woman told me she'd been hit or almost hit a handful of times by cars turning when she had the right of way, which, of course, I teach my kids that you need to watch for turning cars even when your light is green (a lesson she must not have gotten), etc, but, still... 

 

I really wish he could just walk to the playground. It's only a block and half away, and it feels ridiculous to not let him. So, I need to practice crossing busy road. And then maybe I will or will not be able to let him go there... depends on how he does (traffic light is not an option... he'd have to walk almost half a mile to get to a traffic light, which would involve crossing enough roads to basically erase the safety advantage of crossing at a light). 

[luuknam]

In the meantime, aside from practicing crossing the busy road, I'll also work with him on navigating the inside of the grocery store, so that's one area where we can work on increasing independence. Unfortunately, I don't really like the grocery store that's within walking distance (because they're overpriced), but we'll see. Hoping no managers are going to have issues with little kids walking around their store without direct supervision (since he looks younger than he is. He's about to turn 10, but he's at about the 5th-10th percentile in height, so some people guess he's 7 or 8).

[73349]

I'd start with the grocery store, letting him lead you (like a PP said), since a light should help.

 

Just like I rely on GPS when I'm new to an area and then leave off using it after a while, I'd expect a kid to need some time to get used to how things are in the new neighborhood.

[EKS]

I didn't read the replies, and maybe someone already mentioned this, but I wouldn't look at it as moving backwards.  Since the area you live in has changed, you need to be recalibrated and you son needs additional training (and possibly maturity) before he can safely go the same distance he used to in your old neighborhood.

[Terabith]

Honestly, the way you describe the library, I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable walking there, myself, if cars are so oblivious to pedestrians!

[AMJ]

Okay, so my 5th grader with an ASD has been walking to the playground alone for a couple of years (he didn't do it very often at first, but he did it a fair amount the year before we moved). That involved crossing 6 or so quiet residential streets in a safe neighborhood to get there. I specifically did not let him ride his bike alone to the playground though, because he just doesn't pay enough attention crossing those same exact roads while riding a bike, but, he did okay when walking, imo.

 

Anyway, in an ideal world, the idea would be to increase his independence as he gets older. However, unfortunately, since we moved I'm not sure what to do wrt his level of free-rangedness. If he were a neurotypical 5th grader, I'd almost certainly say that he's old enough now to walk the 4/5 of a mile to the library, or the 1/2 mile to the grocery store to buy something. And definitely to walk to the playground, which is at the end of the next block on our street. 

 

However, the neighborhood is not quite as safe from a crime perspective (though not a dangerous neighborhood), and, more importantly, the roads he'd have to cross are not quiet residential roads. For the playground, he'd have to cross one fairly busy road without a traffic light or crosswalk (and one quiet residential road, which is not an issue), for the library he'd have to cross a bunch of roads, for a couple of which the pedestrian traffic lights don't work in one direction or the other (i.e. they'll never turn green), and for the grocery store he's just have to cross a several roads, but the busy ones have traffic lights. Also, all the residential streets here have a ton of cars parked on the road, which makes it harder for a 4'2" or 4'3" tall kid to see if any traffic is coming.

 

So, basically not sure what to do... as is, my inclination is to not let him walk anywhere alone. But it's also hard to tell if I'm just being overprotective. Of course, the latter is hard for y'all to judge, without knowing my kid... I'm just trying to figure out what to do, since I'm really hating the thought of just going completely backwards and telling him he can't walk anywhere alone, when he should be increasing his range. 

 

 

The area you live in now sounds a lot like quite a lot of the areas near us.  Our neighborhood itself has very quiet residential streets (especially around us -- we are in a maze of dead ends), but leaving our neighborhood to actually get to a store or the park or anyplace interesting does require navigating busier streets with no sidewalks (sidewalks are rare around here), and a lot of impatient traffic that cuts through our little town as a shortcut between their neighborhoods and the highway.  Certain intersections simply cannot be crossed safely at all throughout most of the day -- we've been pushing for traffic signals or even just stop signs, to no avail so far.

 

I'm not comfortable sending my own teenage, mostly neurotypical kids out to cross or walk along those streets, so I don't think you are overprotective to be hesitant to send your younger (than my kids) son out.  I also have my kids take a charged-up cell phone with them when they leave the house to go walking or biking so they have some ability to contact us if needed, or summon help if needed.  Despite us having no sidewalks we also have narrow streets, no curbs, drainage ditches, and people who park on both sides of the street -- makes it challenging sometimes for drivers to watch out for pedestrians, and our streets are very popular with kids.

 

 

On another note: my SIL who is raising 6 kids recently got her 10-year-old son a Gizmo, a watch with limited calling (only 10 numbers can be set to call the watch or be called from it), and the ability to receive and respond to texts from those numbers.  She did this so she and her son would have a line of communication while he's at school, since the age spread has DSIL running between 3 or 4 different schools.  If you can afford such a device it might come in handy for your son.  Here's just one link: https://www.verizonwireless.com/connected-devices/lg-gizmogadget/

[AMJ]

In the meantime, aside from practicing crossing the busy road, I'll also work with him on navigating the inside of the grocery store, so that's one area where we can work on increasing independence. Unfortunately, I don't really like the grocery store that's within walking distance (because they're overpriced), but we'll see. Hoping no managers are going to have issues with little kids walking around their store without direct supervision (since he looks younger than he is. He's about to turn 10, but he's at about the 5th-10th percentile in height, so some people guess he's 7 or 8).

 

 

For the grocery store it might help to introduce yourselves to the management and some checkout staff, at the time of day/days of the week when he, with or without you, might be there.  By introducing yourselves in a friendly way as new neighbors they get a chance to meet you both beyond simply processing purchases, and it gives your son a chance to practice some social interaction.  It will also tend to put the management and staff a little more at ease about your son, should they later see him in the store alone running an errand for you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In the meantime, aside from practicing crossing the busy road, I'll also work with him on navigating the inside of the grocery store, so that's one area where we can work on increasing independence. Unfortunately, I don't really like the grocery store that's within walking distance (because they're overpriced), but we'll see. Hoping no managers are going to have issues with little kids walking around their store without direct supervision (since he looks younger than he is. He's about to turn 10, but he's at about the 5th-10th percentile in height, so some people guess he's 7 or 8).

 

Ds started to do half of my grocery shopping when he was 8.  I gave him half of my grocery list and a small cart.  I got half of the list (which included harder to shop for things like meat that I was more particular about) and the big cart.  We would meet at the end and would then put his stuff in my big cart to take through the check out line.  I did have to talk to the people at the deli counter about ignoring him but other than that, he did just fine.  When he was 12 and dd was 8, she got half of the list and he got the other half.  I got to browse the aisles.  And pay, of course. 

[Catwoman]

I guess part of my point about the special needs was that he had worked up to about the same level of free range ability as NT kids his age back at our old place, whereas here I feel that I have to restrict him because of the SN... so, that stings a little.

 

From what you've described, I'll bet many parents of NT kids your son's age would have the exact same safety concerns you're having, so I don't think you're being overly protective. It's unfortunate that your son can't yet have the same freedom he had in your old neighborhood, but better safe than sorry until you're sure he's ready for the added responsibility.

[luuknam]

Honestly, the way you describe the library, I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable walking there, myself, if cars are so oblivious to pedestrians!

 

I'm not entirely sure yet if that woman was just exaggerating or w/e. I haven't had issues yet, but I think I've walked there only 3 times, and an adult plus 2 kids is harder to overlook than just a single person (and especially a single 4'3" kid). 

 

navigating busier streets with no sidewalks (sidewalks are rare around here), 

 

On another note: my SIL who is raising 6 kids recently got her 10-year-old son a Gizmo, a watch with limited calling

 

We have sidewalks - they're not a concern at all. I've considered getting him a phone or watch like that... I will probably get him one or the other when I'm going to let him roam to random places. I guess he does have a birthday coming up, though I'm not convinced he'd enjoy getting that as a present, especially if he can't actually GO anywhere. 

 

From what you've described, I'll bet many parents of NT kids your son's age would have the exact same safety concerns you're having, so I don't think you're being overly protective. 

 

 

It seems like a bunch of parents around here let their kids walk and bicycle around alone at Celery's age, or even younger if in a group of kids Celery's age. Which isn't necessarily the wisest decision they could make... I honked at a kid I'd estimate to be 8yo this afternoon when he just darted out onto the street on his bicycle, either unaware of my car or assuming I'd stop. I'd seen him, and part of me felt mean for scaring him, but I also wanted to make sure he'd pay more attention next time, because the next person might not see him. 

 

The grocery store is big. What with people working part time, there'd be a TON of people to introduce him to. I think I'm more inclined to make sure he's got a letter on him that says he's grocery shopping, and with my phone number (which he's got memorized, but anyway). 

 

Anyway, Grocery People... I've seen a number of people, both now and in the past, that you split the list in 'half'... how do you do this in practice, as far as meeting back up is concerned? It's kind of hard to predict how long kid will take to find the stuff on his list, but if he's done before I am and has to wait around too long (i.e. not long at all) in the meetup spot, he's going to start goofing around, which is not good. So, I guess I should probably just start with pretty short lists for the both of us, and make sure I'm done first, to avoid this, at least while he's learning? (or get the gizmo so he can let me know he's got everything). 

[Rachel]

What I have done is assign my child to get two or three items and then meet up with me in the next aisle. Then I have him get a couple more until the list is done. We also have a standing rule to meet up front near the registers if he can't find me and if he goofs around the privilege of helping is taken away. He enjoys helping so it works pretty well.

[Starr]

Some places just aren't good for walking. I know people thought I was crazy but one of my dc wasn't safe crossing streets alone. I would go crazy even in a parking lot watching that no one stepped out in front of a car, for years.  :svengo: And yes, we live in a small town. Take your time and do what's reasonable for your child.