What if you do like your spouse all of the time?

[wintermom]

 

Some of our friends get a bit annoyed with their spouses when they play games which takes some of the fun out of it.

 

I do have to say that playing tennis with my dh has been both terrific and challenging. I'm competitive and a rack rabbit on the court, while he is an oak tree. I keep expecting him to run around like myself and most players, but nope, not ever going to happen. The best games we've played together is when I've been too sick to move much or expect him to move.  :lol:

[Farrar]

19 years of marriage here. I do like him all the time. Even the things that drive me a little crazy are almost endearing at this point. Like, why does he have to finish all the potato chips every time? Why must he park the car too close to the fence so I can't ever walk in front of it? Why does he insist on stripping the cast iron skillet over and over if he cleans the kitchen? I mean, we occasionally fight (I think the most recent one might have been over that cast iron skillet - why can't he understand not to wash the black stuff? Or just don't clean the kitchen. It's not a nice thing for me if you ruin my cookware...) but rarely about anything big and rarely in a way that lasts very long.

 

We had some seriously tough times when we were first together. He was still drinking and I didn't like him all the time then. And going through rehab was decidedly unfun. But really since then, things have been very good. A friend recently separated from her spouse and I was surprised - part of it was the situation because I had no idea they were unhappy, but part of it was just that I have trouble identifying with that. Like, I know that on knowledge level, but emotionally I can't imagine not wanting to stay married.

[bookbard]

Wow, interesting. I was pondering the other day whether "true love" meant two people who were naturally easygoing and didn't have a heap of baggage to work through. I can see almost every fight we have is related to a trigger from one of our pasts, even though ostensibly it might be about something random or minor. I truly envy those who have easygoing mentally healthy partners (and are also easygoing and mentally healthy). Very lucky. 

[creekland]

We're best friends and I've loved him and liked him all along.  Even our friends and family catch on that we're best friends.  We enjoy spending time together doing practically anything.

 

We can fight.  I chalk that up to being human and both of us being more leadership types.  Such is life.  It doesn't mean we dislike each other.  We get over fights quite quickly.  I have never once disliked him or regretted getting married to him.  I think the world of him - and he's a great dad too.  A better partner for me doesn't exist.

[imagine.more]

In an alternate universe where we had a very boring life with stable employment and finances, only neurotypical kids who were conceived exactly when we planned on having them, etc. etc. I could say the same thing. We get along fine when there are no external stressors.

Amen!

 

Yes, when external stress is manageable DH and I get along great. But our marriage has been full of big external stressors, some by choice (grad school, lots of kids, converting and changing careers) and others not (unemployment, low salaries, moving for jobs, toxic family on my side, kid with special needs, unusually difficult pregnancies for me, etc). So we've had patches of arguing but still like each other most of the time. I hope someday things settle down and stabilize so we can just enjoy being together more and have fun.

 

My inlaws never argue. Like seriously never. I think this is due to a combination of things: they're very compatible, grew up in the exact same town/culture, they've always earned plenty aside from a year of unemployment so even though they have lots of debt it doesn't bother them, they had two healthy intelligent children 6-years apart with nary a whiff of morning sickness even, and they just naturally, biologically are even-keeled. That German midwesterner work ethic/health/lack of unneccesary emotion. They're just unflappable mostly. They're totally baffled by the concept of depression even. Like, that's impractical, why would you do that?

[Wheres Toto]

Wow, interesting. I was pondering the other day whether "true love" meant two people who were naturally easygoing and didn't have a heap of baggage to work through. I can see almost every fight we have is related to a trigger from one of our pasts, even though ostensibly it might be about something random or minor. I truly envy those who have easygoing mentally healthy partners (and are also easygoing and mentally healthy). Very lucky. 

 

We are both definitely easy-going about 99% of things.   We've gone through financial difficulties, family illness, dealing with SN children.  But for the most part, we agree on the best course of action and, if we don't, usually it matters a lot more to one person.  

 

But, we do both have quite a bit of baggage, in both the literal (previous marriage and child) and figurative (abusive parents, father issues, bad relationships, etc.) sense.   We were both older when we got married so there was bound to be baggage, but I think being older also meant that we had worked out or learned how to deal with much of that baggage.

 

Neither of us are screamers.  Even the arguments we had early on, I can only think of one time there was anything approaching yelling.  I don't yell at the kids much either, it's just not who I am.  I find it almost impossible to say things without thinking about it.  I know this is one of my "baggage" things from childhood (although I guess not necessarily a negative thing), but I can't help but think about the impact of what I'm saying on the other person, especially when I'm upset or angry.   If I say something mean or nasty, it's because I meant to (hasn't happened with loved ones yet, but I had a few screaming arguments with my old roommate's boyfriend when he stepped over a line with dd).

[Selkie]

Wow, interesting. I was pondering the other day whether "true love" meant two people who were naturally easygoing and didn't have a heap of baggage to work through. I can see almost every fight we have is related to a trigger from one of our pasts, even though ostensibly it might be about something random or minor. I truly envy those who have easygoing mentally healthy partners (and are also easygoing and mentally healthy). Very lucky. 

 

I can't explain why dh and I are so compatible, but it definitely isn't because we're easygoing, mentally healthy, and have no baggage. We're practically the opposite of that. :laugh:  

 

Both of us are high strung Type A's with OCD and anxiety. We grew up in families that were seriously screwed up and neither of us had a clue what a healthy marriage even looked like, so we've had to figure it out along the way.

 

I do feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found him, because I'm pretty sure he is the one and only person in the world that I could enjoy being married to for so long. Suffering through my parent's miserable marriage when I was a kid made me determined to have a happy, stable home for my own kids, and I'm so grateful that dh and I have been able to provide that for them.

[KungFuPanda]

It's not unheard of, but I'm guessing it's not that common. The couple I know like this are very non confrontational personality types who married someone so much like themselves that there's very little to argue about. I think it's sweet; adorable even. They never seem to have conflicts with anyone; not just each other. It's good they found each other because that alone would start a "discussion" at my house. I can behave myself most of the time, but I do have some aggression that I have to manage and a DH who can never seem to learn to follow my simple, reasonable commands. ðŸ˜

[La Condessa]

DH and I have a great marriage.  I always love and like him; being irritated by a behavior in the moment does not = disliking the person, who is always the sum total of his parts, not just what he is doing at that instant.  We do disagree sometimes, but we never fight; when there's a problem, we discuss it calmly and considerately.  It's not from a lack of stress in our life.  We have experienced difficult times, health problems, unemployment, financial troubles, a very sick baby, depression, etc.  We both made a conscious decision to establish healthy communication patterns and speak to one another the way that we would like to be spoken to.  I grew up with the model of parents in an excellent, considerate relationship.  Dh had both parents who fought constantly and a prior failed marriage, and he was determined to build a relationship with healthy, strong, kind communication.  He has yelled once in eleven years of marriage.

 

This is making me reflect on my communication patterns with my kids.  I hate it when I yell at them.  As someone said upthread, it is way easier to get along well with someone who is generally reasonable and considerate of you, but. . . If I can make a conscious decision of what kind of communication I will have with my husband, and stick to it in the moment, can't I do the same thing with my kids?  I can't control their responses, but I should be able to control myself.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

My inlaws never argue. Like seriously never. I think this is due to a combination of things: they're very compatible, grew up in the exact same town/culture, they've always earned plenty aside from a year of unemployment so even though they have lots of debt it doesn't bother them, they had two healthy intelligent children 6-years apart with nary a whiff of morning sickness even, and they just naturally, biologically are even-keeled. That German midwesterner work ethic/health/lack of unneccesary emotion. They're just unflappable mostly. They're totally baffled by the concept of depression even. Like, that's impractical, why would you do that?

 

I know some people like this.  They have no problems.  Never any money troubles, kids have always been well-behaved honor students (one just got a full ride to a very nice college), the husband always has well-paying jobs he likes, the wife loves staying at home.  When she decides something needs to be done around the house, they hire someone to get it done right away.  Everyone enjoys good health.  The only deaths in the family have been of very aged grandparents in their 90s.   They never fight.  What's there to fight about?   Some of this is due to hard work and the husband's education (engineer), some is blessing or luck or good genes or whatever you want to attribute it to.

 

(BTW this is not a "facebook perfect" family who presents a false front.  I know them quite well. The wife and I actually have had to stop talking about our kids because she has never understood LDs and ADHD.  When she said about my LD kid, "can't he just work a little harder?" I knew she was never going to get it.)

[DawnM]

In an alternate universe where we had a very boring life with stable employment and finances, only neurotypical kids who were conceived exactly when we planned on having them, etc. etc. I could say the same thing. We get along fine when there are no external stressors.

 

I don't want boring, but I want to choose the non-boring, not have stresses that come at me beyond my control.

 

DH prefers boring.

[Guest]

This is me too. I get along so well with DH. But he is very easy to get along with. My kids on the other hand... it's harder for me. I saw some meme the other day that said something like "my children's behavior makes it hard for me to be the kind of parent I always imagined I would be." Something like that. Dh has never thrown himself into a flying ball of rage when his "pants feel funny" or thrown away my stuff because he had to leave someplace fun. 😊

We joke that once the kids are gone we will be just fine. We love our kids very much but he's still my favorite person on the planet, which is good since I'm theoretically stuck living with him a lot longer than my offspring. The kids are a constant challenge but DH really hardly ever is.

 

I'd say we are both somewhat unusual/difficult personalities, but a near perfect match for one another.

[SparklyUnicorn]

In an alternate universe where we had a very boring life with stable employment and finances, only neurotypical kids who were conceived exactly when we planned on having them, etc. etc. I could say the same thing. We get along fine when there are no external stressors.

 

How many people actually have that though? 

I don't personally know anyone who has a mostly perfect life. 

 

Yet, even when the shi* has hit the fan, my DH and I get along well.  We aren't particularly easy going either.  In fact we are both pessimistic complainers.  LOL  I really think it is because we are very well matched.

[Night Elf]

We've had stresses. DH is the only one without some type of mental health diagnosis. Having these issues makes things very hard. I am truly blessed that we've all had our worst issues at separate times. DH and I can help the kids when they need us. DH helps me when I need it. He deals with a lot!

[mamaraby]

Yet, even when the shi* has hit the fan, my DH and I get along well. We aren't particularly easy going either. In fact we are both pessimistic complainers. LOL I really think it is because we are very well matched.

Same. Except dh is probably the more optimistic of the two of us. Life hasn't exactly been easy going for us, but it's always him and me against the world.

 

His job is incredibly stressful and sometimes he gets mandated to work and/or isn't able to be off for all the stuff other people's spouses are, but that's not his fault and what are you gonna do? It's his job and we just keep on keeping on. Judging from the way his co-workers talk this is unusual and divorce rates are pretty high.

 

I married my best friend and I still, after all these years, look forward to getting to hang out with him. We do really boring stuff together like grocery shop and have a blast. We can sit in silence together and be perfectly content.

 

We don't agree about everything. We have different opinions. I don't care for his mother (I suspect the feeling here is probably mutual). We have argued now and again, but not on a regular basis and certainly never anything that lasted for any length of time. Even then, I still like him just as much as any other time.

 

Well matched is probably a good way to put it.

[JustEm]

I accidentally gave this thread 1 star! Just calling myself out so no one thinks some jerk is feeling real surly about the thread.

[Saddlemomma]

I absolutely adore my DH.  We've been married 16 1/2 years.  This is the second marriage for us both and our marriage is also nothing like either of our firsts.  He is my best friend, confidant, and soulmate.  I couldn't imagine life without him.  It's extremely rare for us to have a major disagreement, and although we are home with each other 24/7 (DH works from home), we hate to be separated at all. We never need time away from each other or "breaks".

 

If I'm sick, he takes over all the household chores without me saying a word; if I mention I'm tired, he immediately tells me he'll make dinner and sometimes he draws a bath for me; since I make the meals all week, he makes them on the weekends. He's supportive and listens to me when I need to discuss something or when I'm troubled (which isn't often). 

 

On the flip side, he's the pessimist and I'm the optimist, so I encourage him when necessary and build him up. I help him with projects he wants to do (like building a small camp in the woods of our land so he has a little get-away to read and relax when girl hormones are raging (DD with PMS & me with peri-menopause)...lol...or when he wants to flesh out his lessons for Children's Church in quiet.  I'll go fishing and shooting with him when he wants to go, but would like company.  I help him put the chains on the tractor and take care of his chores when he's tired or not feeling well. Again, the biggest thing of all, I listen to him when he's troubles or needs to discuss something.

 

Now, DH never gives me flowers and I don't give him cards because we both feel they're a waste of money, but what we share every day is so much more than mere tokens which eventually end up in the trash. 

 

I used to think our marriage was unusual too, but it's wonderful to hear that others are sharing the same type of close relationship as well. 

 

[JustEm]

I absolutely adore my DH. We've been married 16 1/2 years. This is the second marriage for us both and our marriage is also nothing like either of our firsts. He is my best friend, confidant, and soulmate. I couldn't imagine life without him. It's extremely rare for us to have a major disagreement, and although we are home with each other 24/7 (DH works from home), we hate to be separated at all. We never need time away from each other or "breaks".

 

If I'm sick, he takes over all the household chores without me saying a word; if I mention I'm tired, he immediately tells me he'll make dinner and sometimes he draws a bath for me; since I make the meals all week, he makes them on the weekends. He's supportive and listens to me when I need to discuss something or when I'm troubled (which isn't often).

 

On the flip side, he's the pessimist and I'm the optimist, so I encourage him when necessary and build him up. I help him with projects he wants to do (like building a small camp in the woods of our land so he has a little get-away to read and relax when girl hormones are raging (DD with PMS & me with peri-menopause)...lol...or when he wants to flesh out his lessons for Children's Church in quiet. I'll go fishing and shooting with him when he wants to go, but would like company. I help him put the chains on the tractor and take care of his chores when he's tired or not feeling well. Again, the biggest thing of all, I listen to him when he's troubles or needs to discuss something.

 

Now, DH never gives me flowers and I don't give him cards because we both feel they're a waste of money, but what we share every day is so much more than mere tokens which eventually end up in the trash.

 

I used to think our marriage was unusual too, but it's wonderful to hear that others are sharing the same type of close relationship as well.

Can I just say how jealous I am that your dh works from home. I wish we could make that work. We'd spend almost all our time together if we could.

[AppleGreen]

Married to my dh 18 years next week and together 23 (!!). We were very young when we met, so I am sometimes surprised that we have grown and matured so well together. He is the world's easiest person to live with. He spends a significant amount of his life energy trying to make my life easier. I am definitely more high strung and spazzy than he is, but he tolerates my quirks so very graciously, just as I tolerate his. We truly are a team and he is my favorite person to hang and laugh with. We compliment each other very well. Between him working from home and me homeschooling, we get to see each other and chat quite frequently throughout the day, so it is a good thing we get along so nicely. Life is not always perfect, but he is a rock and I am glad we are in this together.  :wub: