If there's a big age gap between your kids & oldest has left nest...

[somewhat_sane]

Hello, All!  I'm new to this forum.  I'm a homeschool mama with a curiosity on my mind. A friend of mine, who has been a member of this forum/community for years, suggested that I post this here in hopes that there are some who've "BTDT" and who can advise me.        

 

If you have a big age gap between your children, please share how the younger coped with his/her older sibling leaving the nest for college/etc.   (Though admittedly subjective, I'm going to define "big age gap" as > 10 years.)

 

My husband and I (my first/only husband, married for 18 years) have one child and another on the way.  Our son turned 12 in March, and our baby girl is due in September. They will be 12.5 years apart.  We're all so excited!   Today my husband and I agreed on her name and we told our son it was the one he'd suggested.  He is SO excited that he has named her; and I think it's tripled his eagerness to meet her. 

 

This may be a "DUH" moment...but it just has dawned on me recently what a shock/negative thing it will be for baby girl when big brother leaves the nest!  My brother, sister and I were all born within 5 years so I have no experience with this; my husband's brother is 3 years older than him so he doesn't either.  I'm thinking that my son's leaving home will be incredibly hard on her.  Since we homeschool, they will be together all day, most days.  She will be with him for more hours than she's with her own dad!  When he's 18 (and leaving home), she'll only be 5.5 !   I know it'll rip his heart out too, but I'm thinking it could cause some serious emotional trauma for her at that young age.       

 

Can any of you who've BTDT share?  I want to hear from those of you who have had this situation, who will have this issue, and/or who may have been just such a sibling (whether the older or left-behind younger) in a family with a big age gap.     

 

I know there are those who have big gaps between your oldest and youngest and yet have other siblings in between.  I'm sure that having siblings in between help to ameliorate this oldest kid's departure for the littlest; I'd love to hear from these families too.   

 

I'm mostly curious about when it's JUST those two kids and there is no kid(s) in the middle to make the leaving easier.

 

Please share your experiences, thoughts, advice, perspective.   After all, this 40 year-old mother-to-be needs something else to worry her (actually I'm enjoying a healthy pregnancy :-).  

 

It may go without saying, but .....if you do share, will you please add the details (ages of kids, family dynamic, background)?

 

​Somewhat_sane

(I wanted my username to be a disclaimer of sorts..LOL!)

 

Edited June 1, 2017 by somewhat_sane

[busymama7]

I have seen this from both sides. I was only 7 when my oldest sisters left for college and was alone with my parents by age 10. It was hard but I wouldn't call it traumatic. We didn't even have FaceTime back then but we called and wrote and when they were married etc I would go spend my summers and spring breaks with them.

 

I don't have a gap like that as I have 9 spread over 17 years. The oldest 2 have flown the coop and the youngest is just shy of 3. The kids at home all miss them but we keep up contact with FaceTime and texting a lot. I don't think it's been traumatic for them either. Although I have a big family and my kids babysit and tend to little ones, I have always made sure the primary attachment was to me. This has been a huge priority.

 

They are for sure close to their siblings and they miss them but they aren't their parents and I do think that makes a huge difference. There was no blurring of those lines like there can be sometimes both in big families and when there is a gap.

 

While I had a great upbringing and wonderful parents, a big gap like that was not my first choice for my family as I was lonely and feel like I missed out on some stuff. It wasn't planned in my family either as the brother just older than me was sadly killed in a car accident when we were little. And of course you can't always plan these things :). If I had control over it and based on my experience AND if I wanted another, I would so the youngest was not left alone for all those years. But you get want you get and honestly, no matter what it will be fine.

 

ETA: there were pluses to having my parents to myself too. No family or upbringing is perfect but it can be wonderful. She will keep you young and you will be able to devote your primary attention to her for all those years. Congrats!

Edited June 1, 2017 by busymama7

[Violet Crown]

We're actually in the midst of this. Great Girl has lived at home through college and is fixing to leave; Wee Girl is 12 years younger and regards GG as something like an adored aunt. Our approach so far:

 

1. Talk about it. What it will be like, how things will change, how they won't; but don't treat it as a great crisis. GG has shown WG pictures of where she'll be and taljed about what she'll be doing.

2. Technology. When they've been separated (study abroad, internships), GG facetimes often, & WG knows they won't lose touch.

 

I'm not sure the sister in the middle makes things easier. In fact we have to remember that although Wee Girl is more visibly unhappy, Middle Girl is (more quietly) sad about her big sister/ adviser/ young adult role model leaving home, too.

 

ETA: One thing that preys on me: there was a similar age gap, and close relationship, between my mother and her "baby brother," my uncle. He was killed in an accident a few years ago and she can't seem to recover from it. It really seems to have been like losing a child.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Violet Crown

[FaithManor]

I am 14 years older than my sister, and almost four years younger than our brother. So he graduated high school about the time she was born. She has no memories of him living at home as he went to college right away. But I was around for her infancy, toddler, and preschool years. Though I entered college at 16, I lived at home for two years and commuted so she formed a strong attachment to me. Due to some bad circumstances in my parent's marriage, In actually did more parenting of her than they did so my exit for college out of state when she was four was very, very difficult for her. She had nightmares, insomnia, loss of appetite, behavior problems, etc.

 

So my advice is that your son is old enough to be heavily involved, even relied upon by you and your husband. Easy to make a significant care giver. Do not fall into that trap even if he seems willing. He needs to continue with his extra curricular, and not have his life turned inside out. A diaper once in a while? Sure. Play with her for a few minutes or watch her while you run out for bread? Sure. Given significant responsibility or forego meaningful activities in order to babysit, walk the floor with a crying infant, give up study time or be taken out of a class or sport because it coincides with baby nap time? No. If he feels a real loss of importance in the family, or heaviness of responsibility, or his sibling grows up thinking of him as a quasi parent instead of a brother, their relationship will be weird and strained in adulthood.

 

With Skype and texting now, I think when he leaves home you can make it easy for them to stay in contact. Back when it happened with my sister and I, there was a shared pay phone on our dorm floor. That was it. So contact was infrequent due to sharing that phone with 30 other women, and expense. Her inability to talk to me regularly did not help. Make sure he comes home from college on the holidays. Since I was out of state and our breaks were shorter than colleges give now, I did not come home until spring break second semester. I could have been home at Christmas, but opted to stay locally with a friend so I could stay focused on practicing for the school musical being performed the end of January. Sis did NOT do well at all with me being gone so long nor making an appearance at Christmas. Poor kid really struggled.

 

There are nine years between our eldest and youngest but two sibs in between. He adjusted with no issues at all to her leaving home. She has been a great big sister, and their relationship has been rock solid.

[Noreen Claire]

I have a 21yr old son and then boys 8, 5, 3, and 7months, for a gap of 13.5yrs between boys #1 and #2. The 21 yr old has not yet moved out (no college yet, he went to work out of high school). Honestly, as he spends so much time out of the house for work, friends, etc, I don't think it will be that big of a deal (for the little boys) when he moves out completely. It might even be more exciting, as we will hope to have a regular visiting time to his place; I think the kids would really enjoy this.

 

Good luck, mama!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I look forward to reading the responses.  My oldest two have lived at home all this time.  Well, my daughter bought a house and is taking her brother with her (next week!).  I actually don't think it will be awful for my middle three for a number of reasons.  In fact, it may be awesome.  My adult children plan to have them over regularly and have already started making plans with them.  And the break in other ways may be good for everyone.  But my youngest son is going to be devastated!  He absolutely adores his siblings and, though he'll have the three still, I think it will be an issue :( And I worry if they will still be able to be close with such a huge age difference.  And then there is baby girl.  Will she ever know her brother and sister AS brother and sister?  

 

Anyway, so I do worry about it.  But I know that moving on will be good for my adult children also.

 

 

[StaceyinLA]

While I don't have an age gap like this in my kids, I was the baby after a 12 year gap. I have 5 siblings that range from 12 years older to 17 years older than I.

 

I was basically raised as an only child. There are pros and cons to that. I was lucky my older siblings were nearby, all but one were sisters that had babies I spent a lot of time with, and we were/are a pretty close family. I missed having a sibling in the house, but did enjoy a lot of time with my parents that my siblings didn't necessarily have since there were 5 of them. They have a completely different set of memories than I, which is strange when they're all reminiscing about the past, but I had a lot of experiences they were unable to have.

[gardenmom5]

I have five. my fourth is 12 1/2 years older than #5.

only 2ds is still at home -and that has actually been helpful for their relationship.

 

he's close to the two of his siblings who live nearby. he'll go spend the night - and he looks forward to seeing them. 2dd lives in another part of the country and was always was in and out when he was little.  she will play games with him, and dsil will have nerf wars with him.

 

my father's sister lived on another continent - but I always looked forwards to her visits home (every three years).

[kroe1]

Grief is grief. Making the older one call home a lot helps.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My brother is 10 years older than me.  We really never had a relationship when was home.  He left home (and moved to a different state) at 18 (so I was 8), and we had little contact for at least 15 years.  We became closer as adults, but the things that troubled him as a teenager (and made him leave home as soon as he could), still trouble him.  It's hard to get close to him.

 

My own daughters, on the other hand, are 9 years apart, and are VERY close.  Older dd has been away at college for three years, but comes home for breaks.  They talk and text regularly when they're apart.  They have the same passions, and totally "get" each other.  I have no doubt they will get closer and closer, and will be best friends forever.  

 

 

ETA: I think that my daughters' age gap actually makes it easier for them to be close.  There is no competition between them.  No reason to set themselves apart as different from the other.  Younger dd thinks her older sister hung the moon.  Older dd thinks her little sister is the coolest, most awesome, nonjudgmental person ever.  Periodic distance doesn't change that.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Suzanne in ABQ

[scoutingmom]

My husband had 3 kids with his first wife (and then custody of them). We had ours when his (then) youngest was 13. But we have 4 so they have each other. They don't really know their older brother, but they see their sisters (and their neice and nephews) a fair bit.

 

I don't think it is that huge of a deal, but the relationship to older siblings will just be different than if the age is closer. And that is ok. My kids always saw the +13 older sister as another adult, even when she was a teen.

 

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[AFwife Claire]

I read a comment from someone (here, maybe?) that went something like this: "Mom, my whole life has been watching the family grow. Little one's whole life has been watching people leave." Yeah, where you are in the family makes a difference. But it doesn't have to be a bad difference; it's just different. 

Yeah, that sounds like what my oldest son said.  His youngest sister was born in September of his senior year, and as he held her the first time, he turned and said to me, "My whole life, all I've ever known is babies getting born, and the family getting bigger.  All she will know is people leaving and the family getting smaller."  Wah!  

 

But now she's 2 1/2.  She loves her oldest brother dearly and is excited when he comes home.  DS1 has done a great job of keeping in contact with his youngest siblings by skype or whatever, and I know it helps them to see his face, not just hear his voice.  

 

My dad was military, as was my husband, and so I think maybe I treat him being away at college almost like I would a deployment.  I try to bring him up during the day, wondering what he is doing now, mentioning that he particularly likes this dish we're having, or how this book we're reading is one he used to really like, or stuff like that, just to keep the youngers thinking about him.  We talk about things we'll do when he's back home.  Stuff like that helps them still think of him as part of the family.

 

And we are hopeful for the youngest kids that their older siblings will get married and have kids, thus making the family grow again!  Something to look forward to, for sure!

[amy g.]

There are 15 years between my oldest and youngest. 2 have already left home. A third leaves in the fall.

 

The loss when big siblings grow up is the only drawback I've had with the big age spread.

 

In the very best of situations it still hurts.

 

For the kids in college, we make their tuition contingent on coming home for Christmas and Summer.

 

One of my older kids left this morning to spend a couple of weeks on vacation and there were a few tears shed.

 

I just stress that when we love people we can't hold them prisoner just because we don't want to be away from them. It is a hard lesson, but one worth learning.

[somewhat_sane]

Again, thanks for the replies

[AFwife Claire]

I couldn't remember who said it, but it sounds like it was you! It resonated with me. 

 

One thing that we've done is to include the "missing ones" in family photos! We always laugh because everyone else will be in Carhartts and there will be Navy girl, all dressed up in her dress blues in the held-up photo. It started as a joke, but it means SO much to her. This Thanksgiving's photo included her and her dh's wedding photo, so they could be there too!

I love this idea!  I think I'm going to have to steal this!  

[BusyMom5]

HOrmonal pregnant woman here, who is worrying about the same thing!  We are having a suprise baby- 6.5  years younger than the next closest sibbling, and 10 years younger than the one above that.  By the time this one is 8, the older 4 will all be gone- I will have an 8 year old and a 14 year old left at home.  It makes me sad, and I feel sorry for this poor baby who won't have a closely spaced sibling to play with.  SOmetimes I wonder about having a 7th baby just so that this one has someone close in age.  I know that this one probably won't remember my oldest living at home, and just a bit of the second being at home.  I think part of it is that I had those first 4 in less than 5 years, and I love watching them play together- right now they are playing a board game, they do video games together, ride bikes- everything is a big group.  The six year old tries to join in, but can't always play the same games- she tries!  She has been my 'baby' for years, and while she is younger than the others by 3.5 years, she still seems like she fits.  This new baby does not- poor baby!  She won't have any close siblings, cousins (unless SIL unexpectedly has one).   I will say my older ones are pretty excited for her to get here, and I think they will love her and have a great bond... but it won't be the same as a closer spaced sibling. 

[2_girls_mommy]

My older two are 9.5 and 11.5 years older than our younger. I wonder how it will be, but not enough to stress about it. I wonder more about wha homeschooing will be like when it is just her, and I am old, too old to run around volunteering in everything like I do now for them. :) 

 

I can't know what the future holds. But I try not to worry or stress about it. I am just so thankful to have her!