Can we talk about second semester seniors?

[Janie Grace]

We're in a world of hurt over here. Not in terms of slacking... dd has continued to be a diligent student, for the most part. But in terms of attachment/emotional connection. One day dd17 (almost 18) is warm and affectionate, the next she is cold and even mean in her seeming disinterest in family life. Something happened about a week ago (she was crying while talking to her boyfriend about it) and she still hasn't told me. This is odd for her; usually she fills me in eventually. And it seems like it was a serious thing; she was down all week and still doesn't seem back to herself. She wants "space" and got really mad at me for asking again if everything was okay. :(

 

Dh and I are trying to figure out if this is normal "almost gone but not quite" behavior or if something is wrong. We are evaluating her early childhood (she was our first, I know we made lots of mistakes as we tried to "grow a kid God's way," puke). We are hashing over regrets from her adolescence (we shouldn't have let her have her phone in her room overnight this year, we should have been more proactive with family nights, we should have pursued her more one-on-one, etc). But part of me just wonders if this is part of how some kids are as they separate from their families. It seems early (she hasn't graduated yet!) but at the same time, maybe not?... 

 

I don't know. I miss her. She's driving me crazy. I'm scared about whatever she's facing and won't share. Appreciate any BTDT wisdom. 

 

*Please don't quote*

[Luckymama]

Perfectly normal for almost-gone kids to "soil the nest".

 

It's a period of pushing parents and the familiar away, and then switching sides to wanting to do things together. A parent can get whiplash.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Luckymama

[LinRTX]

Perfectly normal. The first is the hardest. And no matter how you raise your child, when you look back there are things you want a "do-over" with. My fourth and last will be a senior next year. I was wondering when the pull away stage would happen with her. It is beginning and I am so glad. Not that I don't want her around, but it makes me feel more certain she is ready to do things on her own when she isn't always wanting Mom and Dad around. (She is 7 years younger than her closest sibling so we have been her companions for so long since she is introverted and likes to stay home.).

[regentrude]

Sounds perfectly normal. They are preparing to leave. And for some kids, age 18 is already very late to do this; they would have been ready for the independence years earlier.

Edited May 2, 2017 by regentrude

[maize]

I would keep an eye open for general signs of depression. If she's just being grouchy occasionally with family that is one thing, if she is withdrawing generally from interests and activities and seems emotionally on edge that may be something more serious.

[unsinkable]

About your first paragraph...

 

I'm not in the "perfectly normal" camp. That incident sounds serious and I would be concerned that my child was dealing with an incident serious enough she'd need to run it by her parents.

 

That sounds separate from the other stuff...the push and pull of close-not close, etc. I think the older teen period is the time for making your own way and it looks different for every teen and family.

[goldberry]

This is exactly what mine is doing.  She is never available for family stuff, and mostly when we ask her, do you want to do this or that with us, she says no.  (Studying, chatting with friends, other plans, etc.)  And yet the other day she approached me tearfully.  "You and dad were doing xyz, and you didn't even ask me if I wanted to join.  I still am part of this family..."   It wasn't intentional, we just got so used to her saying no and being unavailable!  So of course I very sincerely apologize and reassured her that yes she is part of the family and that we will continue to ask her to be part of things.  A few minutes later she came down and said, "But you know now, don't be mad at me if I say no either!"  Yes, baby, I know. ;)

 

And you're lucky school is going well, my mostly A and occasional B kid is getting two Cs this semester and endangering her scholarship.  :willy_nilly: I honored her request this semester to "let her handle things".  For the last 2 weeks she has begged my help in a frenzy because "I have totally screwed this up and now I'm really in trouble!  Help me!"  I'm helping of course but we're a little late!  She keeps reassuring me that she's "learned her lesson", so I suppose that's good...

 

*sigh*  This is a rough time.

[Janie Grace]

About your first paragraph...

 

I'm not in the "perfectly normal" camp. That incident sounds serious and I would be concerned that my child was dealing with an incident serious enough she'd need to run it by her parents.

 

That sounds separate from the other stuff...the push and pull of close-not close, etc. I think the older teen period is the time for making your own way and it looks different for every teen and family.

 

I'm worried about it too. But I can't force her to talk to me. I am not sure what to do.

[Janie Grace]

Perfectly normal for almost-gone kids to "soil the nest".

 

It's a period of pushing parents and the familiar away, and then switching sides to wanting to do things together. A parent can get whiplash.

 

Thank you. I googled the phrase "soil the nest" (I had never heard it before) and I'm amazed that it's a THING with lots of stuff written about it. It is so helpful to realize certain behaviors are normal. We don't have many friends with kids older than ours, so we feel like we are flying blind a lot of the time.

[regentrude]

I'm worried about it too. But I can't force her to talk to me. I am not sure what to do.

 

Offer to be available when she is ready to talk. That's all you can do.

 

Some young people prefer to work through their problems without parents. But they also may suddenly feel ready to share. Give her time.

As a teen, I never shared emotionally upsetting stuff with my mother. that does not mean anything catastrophically bad had happened - i just did not want to talk to my parents about it and preferred to talk to my friends.

[J-rap]

That's a rough age.  Don't beat yourself up too much about what you did wrong.  It's so easy to see things in hindsight!  (Believe me, I know!)   Also, my own parents were absolutely wonderful, and I still did a lot of foolish stuff as a teen, kept a lot of things to myself, snuck around. 

 

It does sound like what your dd is going through might be more serious.  I think the best thing you can do is to let her know that you're there for her, no matter what.  I think if she were my dd, I'd probably try and catch her alone, hug her, let her know that you're concerned that something is wrong, and that she can trust you and you will help her.  At least this was my experience when I could tell that one of my young adult children was suffering but remaining private about it.  Let her know that you're there, that you will absolutely not judge her (that's so important), and that you'll figure a way through it together.  Then if she does open up and talk, you have to remain practical and focused on helping her, tossing aside any emotions or judgments, no matter how difficult that is.  That's how she'll keep talking to you.  (At least that has been my experience.)

 

Of course, she may not talk to you, but let her know you're there anyway, and be patient.  At some point she may open up, or she might not.  But she will always know that she's loved.

 

 

 

 

[Janie Grace]

Offer to be available when she is ready to talk. That's all you can do.

 

Some young people prefer to work through their problems without parents. But they also may suddenly feel ready to share. Give her time.

As a teen, I never shared emotionally upsetting stuff with my mother. that does not mean anything catastrophically bad had happened - i just did not want to talk to my parents about it and preferred to talk to my friends.

 

Yeah, that's what I've done. I hope she eventually feels ready to share. I am glad she has good friends and I have also opened doors for professional counseling should she want it. 

 

I didn't talk to my mom as a teen at all, but it's because she was emotionally unavailable, judgmental, critical, and would freak out about things. Up until know dd has shared a lot with me... but this sudden privacy has me wondering if I am more like my mom than I thought, or if this current thing is just SO BAD that she can't bear to confide it. Both options terrify me.

[Heatherwith4]

I remember being the same way at that age. I was such a jerk. I wish I could go back and change that. I also remember coming home crying about something and not wanting to talk to my mom and dad about it. Instead I called my fiancé. I'm sure it hurt their feelings.

[Bootsie]

I would not be overly concerned at this point.  Disinterest in family life at this point is common.  Sometimes it is a point where interest in other activities takes precedence.  Sometimes it is a sign of emotionally preparing for upcoming separation if the child is planning to go to college.  If the child is planning on leaving home for college (or if the boyfriend is planning to do so) these types of incidents are not unusual as they try to sort out their relationship.  

 

I would say that this probably has little to do with her early childhood or how you handled adolescence.  It is easy to say if we had not let her have a cell phone in her room we would not be dealing with XXX; but you don't know what you might be dealing with if you had not allowed those things.  I would try not to second guess your parenting choices.  

 

It may not be that something is so bad that she can't bear to confide it.  There could be issues with friends that is more about the friends and their information that she does not feel that she is in a position to confide.  

[Scarlett]

I would be pretty worried that she was crying and talking to her boyfriend but refused to tell you what was wrong. However I really acknowledge it could be nothing Sometimes teens just cry over things that seem really important to them at the time but are not life altering

 

Heck I do it. About a year ago I cried for four hours straight because my sun roof was leaking and my floors in my car were sopping wet .

 

Pulling away from family and not wanting to do things with the family is perfectly normal. Somewhat unacceptable in my opinion so I really struggle with this one.

[unsinkable]

I'm worried about it too. But I can't force her to talk to me. I am not sure what to do.

You're right; I didn't mean to imply you could or should force her to talk.

 

To ease your mind, it could be something that is upsetting to her but isn't directly affecting her to harmful to her. It could be something with a friend but your DD is upset, and can't break a friend's confidence.

 

:grouphug:

[Katy]

Another vote for normal.  You might have a "family night" one day a week where she does spend time with you, at least 2 hours, no negotiation out of it allowed.  That way you'll have a better idea of whether depression is a serious concern or not.