Building Confidence in a Teen with an Overachieving Sibling

[fairfarmhand]

This is about my second daughter. She's 15, 4 years younger than her 19 year old sister.

 

Older sister has always been "good at everything." And that's really not a huge exaggeration. Oldest is very smart, has a good work ethic (when she's invested in something), and picks up stuff easily. She's talented in music, has oodles of friends, and comes across as very confident and outgoing. Because of her natural abilities and the image of confidence and capability that she projects, she's had lots of opportunities.

 

This daughter is far from perfect. She has personal struggles and often has a hard time getting along with people. She can be so driven that she makes herself crazy.

 

However, Younger daughter is 15. She's always lived a bit in her sister's shadow. School doesn't come as easily to her as her sister and she has to work twice as hard for not as great grades. Older sister tried to help younger work in the part time job that she (older) does. Older has little patience and when younger made some novice mistakes, younger just became more convinced that she wasn't cut out for it. (the lady who runs the office told me to make sure that younger knew that older had made other mistakes just like younger did.)

 

This is the same kind of pattern that has gone on in their whole lives. Anything that older sister has tried, younger is totally uninterested in even attempting, lest she come up short in the comparison to her sister.

 

So we're looking at summer jobs for my younger daughter to do. We require that our teens work part time and buy their own cars. 15 is young, but I think at least in the summer, she can do it. We know people in the community and have some sidelines ourselves that she could pursue if she was interested. Younger doesn't push herself out there, I think because she lacks confidence. Some of it is her personality, she's a little retiring, but also struggles to not compare herself to her sister.

 

She's a neat kid, but her gifts are not just out there for all to see. I think she struggles with a very real fear of failure. She doesn't like people to read the stories she writes, she doesn't like to share her artwork, she doesn't want to practice guitar where anyone can hear.

 

I've figured out that we can tell her things all day long, but until she can believe in herself (pardon the cliche) she won't try much.

 

So what do you do?

 

My daughter thinks that scanning groceries pretty much all she's capable of doing. I think we could find something else for her, but if she's afraid to try then it will be useless.

 

Ideas?

[regentrude]

We have a similar situation. My DD is an outgoing ambitious overachiever who is extremely good at everything academically. My DS who is equally intelligent is an introverted minimalist who never wanted to show his ability and felt he could not compete with his sister in any academic area. It was difficult for a few years, until he found his "thing": he discovered a passion for martial arts and threw all his energy into this field. I am convinced that the sibling dynamics contributed to this significantly, and that he needed to find an area where he could position himself outside his sister's shadow. And growing through this, he developed confidence and academic interest.

 

So, not sure what advice to give. We had him try out a number of things before he found his big love. Once that happened, we encouraged and supported, even the plan of being a professional athlete.

 

best wishes for your DD - this is tough.

[gardenmom5]

you're exactly right that until she "does", her self-esteem won't be lifted very much.

all you can do is try to help her see her own gifts and talents, to put herself out there, and to have successes.

 

I have an overachieving oldest. (graduated college pbk and scl one of seven in her year.)  and a high achieving second.  my third . . . while very intelligent - had learning disabilities and health problems during a critical time .  he was intimidated by their academic success, and how easy it was for them.  only now - as he is having his own triumphs, has that self-confidence come.

[gstharr]

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

[kroe1]

Personally, I would not make this kid get a paying job. What confidence is she going to learn doing a mundane teenager job anyway? It sounds like she needs to find her niche. It is not too late for her to find an instrument, area of study, sport or weightlifting, or something that can make her unique. Acting lessons overcame shyness in ours, perhaps your DD may benefit, too.

 

This kiddo may need for you to buy her car because she has not yet learned the basics of her character. Nothing wrong with raising each kid on different terms.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Does the oldest still live at home?

Edited May 2, 2017 by HoppyTheToad

[fairfarmhand]

Does the oldest still love at home?

yes for another two or three months. Working on the situation this summer. Oldes tneeds to move out for several reasons but a biggie for me is to help youngest establish herself on her own terms. My dh doesn't get it. "Why does what oldest girl do matter at all to younger? Why should that influence anything?" I've tried to explain but he doesn't understand. As an aside he's an oldest, I'm a middle.

 

 

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[Anne in CA]

As an oldest child, I think it was HUGE for my sister that I moved out right when I turned 18 and let her have a turn at being the oldest with all it entailed. She really stepped up and became a different person. Not that my sister was as shy as the OP's dd, but still, it was really good for her to be the leader. One thing that was very hard on my cousin who is my age is that neither of her older sisters moved out EVER, (her oldest sister lived at home until she died at 54 and the other lived at home until she was 36), so my cousin ALWAYS had someone telling her what to do, and she never got to grow up. It was not good for her. 

[MysteryJen]

In our house, it has been very, very good (and important) that older siblings have moved out. Ds2 and dd2 (to a lesser extent due to personality) were really overlooked in the last years that the older kids were at home. It is easy to do if you have one with a challenging personality (check) and one to whom things seem to come easily and gathers accolades and friends quickly (check).

Both of my middle kids have blossomed with getting more attention and larger roles in the family. I have loved getting to know them better as we spend more time together. The family dynamics are different with older kids gone, but they are still good and in some ways more fun.

 

Ds2's solution to finding his place was refusing to do anything that his older siblings did. Different sports, different interests, etc. I actually think this is the best way. I would encourage your dd to work someplace else, find something that your older dd didn't do, people who don't know your older dd, etc.

 

My dd2 is four years younger than dd1 and although they are best friends, she has chosen to do a few things differently. She decided to go to public school (generally good and very good at getting a life in which dd1 figures not at all) and though she swims like her sister, she decided to be better than dd1 was and is working incredibly hard toward that end. Competition drives her, so she is happy with her arrangement.

 

Sibling dynamics can be hard. I would encourage you to not get involved *between* your daughters, but rather be a cheerleader and coach for the younger to step out and be herself.

[Guest]

We have a similar situation. My DD is an outgoing ambitious overachiever who is extremely good at everything academically. My DS who is equally intelligent is an introverted minimalist who never wanted to show his ability and felt he could not compete with his sister in any academic area. It was difficult for a few years, until he found his "thing": he discovered a passion for martial arts and threw all his energy into this field. I am convinced that the sibling dynamics contributed to this significantly, and that he needed to find an area where he could position himself outside his sister's shadow. And growing through this, he developed confidence and academic interest.

 

So, not sure what advice to give. We had him try out a number of things before he found his big love. Once that happened, we encouraged and supported, even the plan of being a professional athlete.

 

best wishes for your DD - this is tough.

How long did you have him try each thing before moving onto something else? Was it a "love at first attempt" thing with martial arts, or did it take a while to "root"? I ask as the Mom of an oldest who is still attempting to find her thing. She doesn't have an older sibling to compare against, but as a perfectionist she measures herself against friends and others in whatever field she's attempting, so this thread is ringing true despite lack of older sibling.

[barnwife]

 

Sibling dynamics can be hard. I would encourage you to not get involved *between* your daughters, but rather be a cheerleader and coach for the younger to step out and be herself.

This. 

 

FWIW, I grew up the youngest of 3. Both of my siblings were overachievers for whom things came easily. Even though I was also talented in many of the same ways, I was definitely in their shadow. 

 

And, for better or worse, I never felt that my parents supported me/showed as much interest in me. It was like they used up all their enthusiasm for the first two. This still affects my relationship with my parents to this day.

The best thing ever was me moving on to college. Even though there is two years between me and the middle one, it wasn't enough time to really become "me" in such a small town because their memory was still fresh in people's minds.

 

I think that scanning groceries for now would be fine. However, I might also require her to find one other option that she at tries for.

[OneStepAtATime]

What about an apprenticeship somewhere?

 

Or some sort of training camp?

[regentrude]

How long did you have him try each thing before moving onto something else? Was it a "love at first attempt" thing with martial arts, or did it take a while to "root"? I ask as the Mom of an oldest who is still attempting to find her thing.

 

Martial arts was love at first sight.

I had to make him go to the first session. Piano was a flop, we stuck it out for three years. Horseback riding was not his passion, after 3 years he wanted to quit and I told him he could, but only if he chooses one other activity one night a week to not always be home. So he consented to try TKD. He instantly fell in love. It snowballed into trying out other martial arts, discovering judo, becoming really hooked.

[Arcadia]

My dh doesn't get it. "Why does what oldest girl do matter at all to younger? Why should that influence anything?" I've tried to explain but he doesn't understand. As an aside he's an oldest, I'm a middle.

My husband is the youngest and he gets it. My younger is only a year younger than my oldest. We are trying to find areas which he likes and oldest do not care for. Luckily DS12 doesn't try anything that DS11 has already started. So flute is only DS11's instrument and swimming is his sport. DS12 could have played flute more competently as well as swim better but he "stayed out".

 

ETA:

My husband is the overachiever but doesn't get any praise. His older siblings get the praises from parents.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Arcadia

[Seasider]

yes for another two or three months. Working on the situation this summer. Oldes tneeds to move out for several reasons but a biggie for me is to help youngest establish herself on her own terms. My dh doesn't get it. "Why does what oldest girl do matter at all to younger? Why should that influence anything?" I've tried to explain but he doesn't understand. As an aside he's an oldest, I'm a middle.

 

 

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I may be remembering wrong, but will ask anyway - how did the whole prom thing work out?

[fairfarmhand]

I may be remembering wrong, but will ask anyway - how did the whole prom thing work out?

 

They all ended up going in a big blob with friends. The way the schedule worked out, younger was able to get completely dressed and ready without older sister even in the house. Which helped. Her hair was the way SHE wanted it. Not the way older was hoping she'd wear it.

 

It was a big enough event, and there were enough different friend groups that younger was able to enjoy herself without sis right in the middle of her party.

 

So it was okay.

 

 

Edited May 2, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[Jaz]

I'd encourage you to think about raising her a little differently from her sister. As another poster mentioned, working may not be the best thing for her. I'm so glad we allowed our son to grow up in his own time. I wanted to push him in some areas as a teen, but my husband suggested we wait. I'm so glad we did. 

[Seasider]

They all ended up going in a big blob with friends. The way the schedule worked out, younger was able to get completely dressed and ready without older sister even in the house. Which helped. Her hair was the way SHE wanted it. Not the way older was hoping she'd wear it.

 

It was a big enough event, and there were enough different friend groups that younger was able to enjoy herself without sis right in the middle of her party.

 

So it was okay.

I'm glad that worked out!

 

IIRC, in that other thread I shared that my second's personality and ambitions really emerged once oldest moved out. In middle school dh and I intentionally sought out a couple of activities for second that oldest was not allowed to join in on. It wasn't mean to oldest - that kid already had some established activities that 2nd wasn't a part of. It was helpful, but even so, the big growth happened once oldest moved on to college.

[Catwoman]

They all ended up going in a big blob with friends. The way the schedule worked out, younger was able to get completely dressed and ready without older sister even in the house. Which helped. Her hair was the way SHE wanted it. Not the way older was hoping she'd wear it.

 

It was a big enough event, and there were enough different friend groups that younger was able to enjoy herself without sis right in the middle of her party.

 

So it was okay.

I remember the prom situation and the issue with your older dd being friends with all of your younger dd's friends, and I honestly believe that is a huge part of the problem here. How can your dd be her own person when your older dd upstages her all the time -- even with her own 15yo friends?

 

It's hard enough for a 15yo girl to be confident and self-assured, but if she is constantly being compared with her older sister even by her own friends, the older sister will win every time -- let's face it, a 19yo has a clear advantage in terms of both age and experience.

[fairfarmhand]

I remember the prom situation and the issue with your older dd being friends with all of your younger dd's friends, and I honestly believe that is a huge part of the problem here. How can your dd be her own peson when your older dd upstages her all the time -- even with her own 15yo friends?

 

It's hard enough for a 15yo girl to be confident and self-assured, but if she is constantly being compared with her older sister even by her own friends, the older sister will win every time -- let's face it, a 19yo has a clear advantage in terms of both age and experience.

 

Yes!

 

Prom was better because older went with her boyfriend who has his own friend group. Yes. Good for him

 

But, yeah, moving older sis out should happen this summer. And older sister will kind of end up being out of the loop so to speak with younger's friends.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Yes!

 

Prom was better because older went with her boyfriend who has his own friend group. Yes. Good for him

 

But, yeah, moving older sis out should happen this summer. And older sister will kind of end up being out of the loop so to speak with younger's friends.

I think that will make a huge difference because your younger dd will have a chance to shine on her own, without being compared with her sister all the time.

 

I wouldn't worry about your younger dd getting a job this summer unless it's primarily for social purposes so she can meet some new friends who don't already know your older dd. Otherwise, I would suggest letting her relax this summer and concentrate on doing fun things with her friends without her big sister being with her all the time. It may take a little while for her to develop more self-confidence, but she's still young and she has plenty of time to find her own niche.

 

She sounds like a very sweet girl. :)

 

I hope I'm not making it sound like I have anything against your older dd, because I don't, but I feel like it's your younger dd's turn to be the star of the show for a while, and it doesn't sound like she will ever get that chance if your older dd is always overshadowing her.