So. Hypothetical question

[fairfarmhand]

I've been known to, in one of my not so great moments to toss my child's wet laundry out of the dryer and onto the lawn. That child had the nerve to remove my wet laundry from the dryer and put it on a basket because she didn't want to wait on my laundry to be done.

 

It was never repeated.

 

I vote totally clueless and self centered but not out of the ordinary.

 

I did find that in the early months of laundry learning these types of situations cropped up. Weird inconsiderate things I'd never thoughts we'd neeed a rule about!

 

Because it's just not intuitive for teens to be others centered and do laundry properly.

 

Going back to work is stressful. Adding a new member of the family is stressful. Take care of yourself.

 

Smile.

 

Breathe.

 

It'll be okay!

 

 

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[Xahm]

If you decide to go with fines, i suggest a graduated system. The first time or two they get an annoying, but cheap, fine. If they keep forgetting, it increases to something painful, like the amount they might normally spend on am evening with friends. Doing a special big chore for you might reset the fine system.

[Scarlett]

If you decide to go with fines, i suggest a graduated system. The first time or two they get an annoying, but cheap, fine. If they keep forgetting, it increases to something painful, like the amount they might normally spend on am evening with friends. Doing a special big chore for you might reset the fine system.

 

 

They are both so freakin' agreeable tonight.  So pleasant.  So nice to be around.  Makes me feel ill that I complain about them.  

[bettyandbob]

Probably. I have always done everything for everyone and enjoyed it. I felt valuable and valued. Now I have to work more and the things I valued can't get done the way I want and no one seems to care.

I skimmed three pages and didn't finish, but this stuck out. You are sharing a home with three other people. There are definitely things I do that no one cares about to the point that I'm pretty sure my dc won't do these things when they move out. I have to accept that to some extent that if I'm the only one who really wants X, it might not get done without me. 

 

You are stressed. I suspect you always have a certain level of anxiety and having things a certain way is how you stay in control. Your need for control has been in other threads too. It's not a bad thing, but it's important to recognize that and figure out when your really need control and when to roll with it. Now, you don't have the time to do that and clutter and disorder are affecting your anxiety. 

 

1. you do matter

2. the adolescent male is not good at paying attention to order

3. the adolescent male is not always good about having compassion for mom

 

As you let go of household responsibilities, the males in your household are going to have a bit of a learning curve to take them on. You have to accept that. Point out mistakes and move on.

 

Finding yourself so upset you are crying about a pair of jeans of the floor is not healthy. I think most moms have been there--falling apart over something that an outsider thinks is ridiculous. I've been there a lot. It's a wake up call for mom to take care of herself. Figure out the minimums that have to get down. Figure out what your boys need to do for those minimums (they can be assigned more, but you can also prioritize). Figure out what you must do to reset your expectations and accept some days your home will be at minimum levels. ( things that impact family income, like clearing the laundry room when you bring home laundry can be bright lines while other things might be flexible)

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts lately.

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug: purplejackmomma.  Holding you in the light.

[Scarlett]

I skimmed three pages and didn't finish, but this stuck out. You are sharing a home with three other people. There are definitely things I do that no one cares about to the point that I'm pretty sure my dc won't do these things when they move out. I have to accept that to some extent that if I'm the only one who really wants X, it might not get done without me. 

 

You are stressed. I suspect you always have a certain level of anxiety and having things a certain way is how you stay in control. Your need for control has been in other threads too. It's not a bad thing, but it's important to recognize that and figure out when your really need control and when to roll with it. Now, you don't have the time to do that and clutter and disorder are affecting your anxiety. 

 

1. you do matter

2. the adolescent male is not good at paying attention to order

3. the adolescent male is not always good about having compassion for mom

 

As you let go of household responsibilities, the males in your household are going to have a bit of a learning curve to take them on. You have to accept that. Point out mistakes and move on.

 

Finding yourself so upset you are crying about a pair of jeans of the floor is not healthy. I think most moms have been there--falling apart over something that an outsider thinks is ridiculous. I've been there a lot. It's a wake up call for mom to take care of herself. Figure out the minimums that have to get down. Figure out what your boys need to do for those minimums (they can be assigned more, but you can also prioritize). Figure out what you must do to reset your expectations and accept some days your home will be at minimum levels. ( things that impact family income, like clearing the laundry room when you bring home laundry can be bright lines while other things might be flexible)

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts lately.

No, you probably pegged it dead on.  I am a control freak about some things.  Dh has figured it out....he mentions it when he needs to....he ignores it when he can.  

 

I laid in bed last night....just thinking....what would happen if NO ONE did laundry.  

 

LOL....I know I am weird.

[Xahm]

They are both so freakin' agreeable tonight. So pleasant. So nice to be around. Makes me feel ill that I complain about them.

It's like when my little ones are about to push me over the edge to crazy mama. My three year old soon catches on and says, "mama,I love you." In the sweetest voice imaginable.

[regentrude]

I laid in bed last night....just thinking....what would happen if NO ONE did laundry.  

 

For a few weeks,  nothing.

[Scarlett]

And I would like to add that my sister is going through heck with her kids.  Mostly the 19 is a pot head who dropped out of college and won't get full time work.  A few days ago there was a brawl at her house....all hell broke loose...her 19 year has moved out....as well as his 21 year old sister because she felt the need to take up for him.  My sister's husband is so fed up he is ready to divorce her.  What a mess.

 

So all things in perspective.  

[Paige]

I understand laundry needing to be organized. We have 6 people in the family and can't wait for anyone to let their laundry linger. That's why I fine- everyone has a day to do theirs and I have a day for towels/sheets, so letting one person's laundry steep and be rewashed the next day is very inconvenient to the next person and the whole line of people. I only started it after too many rewashed clothes and too many times of his laundry interfering with other people's days.

 

I don't fine DS much; maybe $1 or maybe in exchange he does dishes. It's not meant to be super punitive, and even at the low cost there's a sting, but it's more of an incentive. Sometimes DS just wants to pay me or his sisters if he's busy- that's ok with me as long as he is getting it done. If he misses his day he has to wait a week or hope someone is done early.  

[Annie G]

Fines never worked for my kids. They were happy to pay the fine. What they didn't want was more work...so giving them more work was in an effort to teach them that doing it right the first time was a better choice.  Some kids are motivated by money, though. 

 

Scarlett, are you doing laundry for your boss? If so, I can see why you want them to do their laundry on a schedule- you want to be able to do yours and your employer's laundry when you feel like it. 

 

Oh, don't feel guilty for letting their slacking ways bug you - that's how they get you. They act like heathens but then straighten up for a while and then you let your guard down and before you know it there's a pile of wet, smelly towels festering in their bathroom.  They're teenagers...they're going to constantly fluctuate between being angels and being uncivilized.   Eventually they will mature...they almost all do. 

[Scarlett]

Fines never worked for my kids. They were happy to pay the fine. What they didn't want was more work...so giving them more work was in an effort to teach them that doing it right the first time was a better choice.  Some kids are motivated by money, though. 

 

Scarlett, are you doing laundry for your boss? If so, I can see why you want them to do their laundry on a schedule- you want to be able to do yours and your employer's laundry when you feel like it. 

 

Oh, don't feel guilty for letting their slacking ways bug you - that's how they get you. They act like heathens but then straighten up for a while and then you let your guard down and before you know it there's a pile of wet, smelly towels festering in their bathroom.  They're teenagers...they're going to constantly fluctuate between being angels and being uncivilized.   Eventually they will mature...they almost all do. 

 

 

Yes I bring my bosses laundry home once a week to do.  It is a temporary situation because he is building a home and when it is completed I will go back to going to his home once a week to do his laundry/buy groceries.  But I have been doing it for 3 months and probably at least 2 months to go.

[8circles]

Yes in the grand scheme of things it is a minor thing.

 

What upsets me most is the total lack of concern or apology for such careless actions.

Just last night I came home to find a basket full of very damp clothes shoved in a laundry basket. Again no apology.

 

What is the point of every even pointing out anything that bothers me. I guess everything short of being behead or starving is minor so I should just never voice my wants and just suck it up....

 

Scarlett, I know I'm making an assumption about you based on your posts here, so I could be wrong.  But it seems like a lot of things really bug you, and to a point that it comes across to me as unreasonable.  If everything is so important, then nothing is.  I suggest trying to see things from a different angle - the one that gives you a chuckle and head shake while muttering "teenagers" and tosses the jeans in a "lost and found" basket & moves on.

[8circles]

Sorry not anything against you. Just a total realization that nothing really matters. It is better to not care about anything.

 

No, it's better to care about things that matter.  *you* matter, your kids matter, your relationship with them matters.   I think you've lost perspective.

[8circles]

Yeah. I did all of that. Over and over and over.

 

Yes, because you're their mother.  That's what mothers do.

[8circles]

So like I said earlier..stop caring about stuff. That seems to be the solution.

 

Too unreasonable to expect a nearly grown boy to NOT throw clothes on the laundry room floor and ESPECIALLY not to,to throw CLEAN clothes on the laundry room floor.

 

And honestly it isn't even the clean jeans on the floor. It is the total lack of concern. Lack of apology. Dismissive.

 

& honestly, your responses to your kids totally-normal-although-in-need-of-improvement behavior is equally rude, unreasonable, lacking concern about them & dismissive of their POV.

 

Maybe DS thought the owner of said jeans wouldn't appreciate being given jeans that had been worn, even if for a moment, and therefore the jeans should be washed before being returned.  I have a child like that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

 

I laid in bed last night....just thinking....what would happen if NO ONE did laundry.  

 

LOL....I know I am weird.

 

LOL

 

My younger kid leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor when he is done taking a bath.  I got tired of telling him to pick them up (or picking them up).  So I decided to see how long he'd go before noticing.  Stuff was piled up.  No joke.  And finally he made a comment that he couldn't get into the bathroom so easily.  And then he picked them up.  :lol:

[Spryte]

LOL

 

My younger kid leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor when he is done taking a bath. I got tired of telling him to pick them up (or picking them up). So I decided to see how long he'd go before noticing. Stuff was piled up. No joke. And finally he made a comment that he couldn't get into the bathroom so easily. And then he picked them up. :lol:

Hey, there's an idea. Thank you. I might give that a shot, for the clothes on the bathroom floor problem. I've sort of just given up, and generally grab the clothes myself when doing laundry, since the bathroom is next door. But - logical consequences and all. :)

 

Sorry for the brief hijack, Scarlett.

[Laura Corin]

Ok, we talked to the boys and yes we are giving them at least this weeks grace. And ds and dss worked it out that ds will always do the trash to curb and dss will do the bathroom. That is their deal.

 

Quill, I can't handle finding laundry in my washer or dryer. I just can't . I want it out of my washer dryer.

Is the washer dryer yours or is it the family's? Thinking about that might help to work out the emotions involved.

[fairfarmhand]

When I have trigger thing that might happen, I call home ahead of time. "So and so may want to make sure the laundry room is the way I want it. I'll be home in an hour!"

 

 

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[Mom25girls]

In my house, I'd think that perhaps teen needs more practice dealing with laundry. Perhaps a week of "helping" with the laundry (washing, folding and delivering them to the correct locations) might help said teen realize the value of keeping clean laundry...clean. 

[Laura Corin]

Here's a story.  As I've posted here, my mum came to live with us a year ago this month.  The adaptation has been rough, but with good will on all sides, we are pretty much there now.

 

But, at the height of the difficulties and (I regret) sometimes still, my frustration with her brings back the teenage me and all the things that drove me crazy at the time: that I wasn't allowed more than one apple a day because that meant more shopping for her (she didn't work, she didn't drive so I went everywhere by bus and bike, I was the last child at home, and she didn't clean the house much either), that I had to do all my own clothes washing without an automatic washing machine from age 11 (she didn't work....), that she didn't try to go out to work (even part time) after my parents divorced, even though the income would have made both our lives easier....  

 

It's petty and mean, and I'm not proud of myself.  But these things do stick in people's heads and may come back to bite decades later.  I am extremely aware of trying to see my sons' points of view and asking them how they think things would be best organised, because I want them to have those memories when the boot is on the other foot.

Edited January 8, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Guest2]

When your ds was a toddler, did you take his lack of consideration for you, and the resulting behavior, personally? Because the reality is that teens are in the same egocentric stage as toddlers. Their brains are in a state of physiological re-wiring, they are psychologically completely focused on self identity creation, and they are not thinking about your desires for the laundry one bit. These are the realities which you can read about in human development textbooks.

 

So what works best on the toddler brain? Passive aggressive or emotional responses where we take their behaviors personally? Or kind and compassionate and Dispassionate teaching about empathy and knowledge along with hand-over-hand skill building? At my house we do a lot of working alongside our teens to make things right when something has gone a bit wrong. Is it exhausting? Yes. Just like parenting toddlers is exhausting. But that's what parenting is all about - giving of ourselves in a selfless manner even when we don't want to. Blaming, chastising, taking it personally, making it about you, none of these things help.

 

How long did it take for my neurotypical kids to learn to eat properly at table? With practice every single night? Years and years.

 

The younger kids still throw both clean and dirty clothes on the laundry room floor. One of them is 14yo! We're still working on it. C'est la vie.

I agree with the part about egocentricity and working together sometimes, but I would add consequences for all ages. I will say that I get my teens' attention if I start thinking about creative consequences. Edited January 8, 2017 by Silver Brook

[Scarlett]

Here's a story. As I've posted here, my mum came to live with us a year ago this month. The adaptation has been rough, but with good will on all sides, we are pretty much there now.

 

But, at the height of the difficulties and (I regret) sometimes still, my frustration with her brings back the teenage me and all the things that drove me crazy at the time: that I wasn't allowed more than one apple a day because that meant more shopping for her (she didn't work, she didn't drive so I went everywhere by bus and bike, I was the last child at home, and she didn't clean the house much either), that I had to do all my own clothes washing without an automatic washing machine from age 11 (she didn't work....), that she didn't try to go out to work (even part time) after my parents divorced, even though the income would have made both our lives easier....

 

It's petty and mean, and I'm not proud of myself. But these things do stick in people's heads and may come back to bite decades later. I am extremely aware of trying to see my sons' points of view and asking them how they think things would be best organised, because I want them to have those memories when the boot is on the other foot.

Thank you Laura.

[Scarlett]

So. New week. I reminded ds at noon he needed to do a couple loads of laundry. I left to run errands with dss and when I arrived home at 4 ds was gone to work as expected. I found clean clothes in the laundry basket, the dryer and a load of dirty clothes on the laundry room floor. I just washed the dirty clothes and when ds got home had him go fold and put away the three loads.

 

They are both good kids and do a lot. I will just keep reminding and helping.

[BooksandBoys]

So. New week. I reminded ds at noon he needed to do a couple loads of laundry. I left to run errands with dss and when I arrived home at 4 ds was gone to work as expected. I found clean clothes in the laundry basket, the dryer and a load of dirty clothes on the laundry room floor. I just washed the dirty clothes and when ds got home had him go fold and put away the three loads.

 

They are both good kids and do a lot. I will just keep reminding and helping.

That sounds like a great plan! They seem like the kind of boys who will figure this out with gentle reminders and consistency.