klmama Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 What are your best strategies for dealing with irrational behavior or anger that your pre-teen or teen directs at you? I want to get a handle on appropriate responses, in hopes that it will make the next several years go more easily! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smilesonly Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Oh my! I think this thread will upstage the politics threads! LOL!! My first thought was....prevention! But, then I remember we are talking about an age group that performs illogically.;):lol: Plenty of exercise. Keeping communication simple and quick. Writing little notes and letters,when needing to convey/discuss an issue. Lots of fresh air. Regular food. Extra sleep. Space!:D Try to handle with humor,not take them too seriuosly all the time.:D Lots of listening,less questions,but grab those moments when they DO want to talk. Perfect the art of sighing. A sigh replaces yelling and automatic negative replies. Really. Focus on the positives. Okay....LOOK for the positives.:D Most of the above goes for both dc and adult! LOL!! Smiles:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I think I had my first experience with a preteen temper fit a few weeks ago. I told dd to take it some where I couldn't see it, and we'd talk about it when she was calmer. Which we did and things evened out again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 :iagree: Smiles is right! Here, making sure they are getting enough sleep and enough exercise really makes a difference. I try to create times where I'm alone with each kid so they have a chance to talk about things if they want to and vice versa. I'm finding that allowing them to make decisions (even when you know they might make the stupid choice - certainly not with something dangerous) and then being available to talk about it is a good thing. We've tried to increase their level of responsibility as they get older. If they have "real" things you depend upon them to do, they tend to rise to the occasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Humor. My almost-12yo son can laugh at himself, and after saying something annoyingly negative will frequently say: "Mr. Negative strikes again!" :D And for boys, I practice hit-and-run physical displays of affection. Ruffling hair, a punch on the arm, a quick hug from behind, a back pat/rub. They still need it, even if they think they don't want it. "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a fun but profound book that has helped our family a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 What are your best strategies for dealing with irrational behavior or anger that your pre-teen or teen directs at you? I want to get a handle on appropriate responses, in hopes that it will make the next several years go more easily! More sleep! they need as much as a toddler! More protein in their diet. More time in their room with nothing to do except read except Beowulf or Pride and Prejudice depending on their gender. Sons dig garden with spade and hoe Daughters wash car and scrub bathtub with small scrubby sponge. When that is over and they have calmed down, role playing of how to handle their hormonal rages. Must explain that is what is happening and that is why they feel so irrational or out of control. If they understand it they can try to control it easier. a good whole foods vitamin is a must The behavior has to be dealt with and given a consequence of your parenting style. My style is to work you til exhaustion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I learned from my sister who was a working mother with two kids and really not as experienced as me :tongue_smilie: not to argue with them. It's very, very hard not to get pulled into their anger. It's their feeling and they need to own it. I had to practice this with three teens before I finally got the hang of it--may you learn it faster. Anger needs food and feeds on negative reaction. Stay calm, remember it's not your fault and if they aren't being rude listen calmly and tell them you can't understand them when they talk "that way." The mantra in our house is that anger accomplishes nothing and creates more problems. If you tell it to them enough, they start thinking about it and temper tantrums will cease. I've even heard a few of kids tell there friends to grow up because anger accomplishes nothing. For me, the trick really has been to detach myself from their anger. I don't deserve, I didn't earn it and it's not my problem. The little blip that has upset them may need to be dealt with, but they need to recognize the real problem and think about it rationally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 It's very, very hard not to get pulled into their anger. It's their feeling and they need to own it. I had to practice this with three teens before I finally got the hang of it--may you learn it faster. Are there any specific techniques you used to keep your own reaction under control? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Are there any specific techniques you used to keep your own reaction under control? Ibuprofin. Lots and lots of Ibuprofin. :tongue_smilie: It helps me anyway! For the kids, I have to agree w/ the others. Time, space, and reason when things calm down. More excercise, rest, and lower their carb intake. I have all 3 of mine entering the pre-teen, hormone stage. :willy_nilly: A small thing that we started last week, but it does seem to be helping all of us. We extended their bedtime an hour, but they still have to go to their rooms at 9, and at 9:45 is last chance for water and bathroom. 10:00 is lights out, period! This gives mom and dad quiet time to de-stress in the evening, and it helps them calm down before trying to go to sleep. They are getting more sleep than they used to, and we are seeing improvements. hth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Are there any specific techniques you used to keep your own reaction under control? When my older boys were around 2-3 (my pre-internet days) I read something that essentially said "you are the grown up." MIL had recently sent me a load of "Stuff" to use for decorating my house, nothing fit my taste. But, I remembered a goofy little chalkboard. I pulled it out of the box. Stuck it on the wall and wrote "I AM THE GROWNUP" on the chalkboard. I cannot tell you how many times a day I looked at that and took a deep breath and went back to insane short people. After a while, I put away the chalkboard. It rested for many years in a box in the garage. Guess what's on my fridge now? Yep. YOU ARE THE GROWNUP! (I should add that my twins bought me a magnet recently that currently resides at "their" eye level - they're all taller than me - on the hood of my stove. It says "How about a nice big cup of shut the he** up?" My kids get it. Really, though, even when you find yourself the shortest person in the house, YOU are still the grown up. You have the experience and knowledge. Do not let yourself go to their level. Be the grown up - even if it means sending everyone to "their corners" to regroup. Rhetoric is a great solution in some ways. Teach them HOW to argue in a way that makes sense. It has definitely helped here. It help them recognize a lame argument. They might still argue, but it might actually make some sense. And, I think I mentioned/agreed with before, exercise. Are they moving A LOT? I swear this is the key to pre-teens/teens. My goal, most days, is to have them too physically tired to argue about every stupid thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I have one child who has always had a temper and an irrational emotional response to many things (the other is uncannily reasonable and level headed, even as a teen). His father is very strong and disciplinarian but still gets stumped how to deal with ds's emotionalism. We get strict when its out of hand. We try to reason, but that usually doesn't work. It often comes down to "because I said so" and " I am the adult, you are the not-yet-adult, you do as I say or you dont get XYZ" kind of stuff- which I wouldnt idelaly agree with but we kind of run out of options. This kid wants everything to be fair- for him. he has written gratitude diaries. It helps. Mostly, we tell him we love him every day, hug him heaps, and try to maintain our sense of humour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I have learned (the hard way) that many parental responses to anger/venting/rage/rudeness just escalate the situation. For my oldest, at least, there was something in it for him to get me upset. So the best thing for me to do was to just remain very very calm. Soooooo calm it hurt:) I would say something non-inflammatory like, "Well, that's one way to look at it," or "Sometimes I felt the same way as a kid." But beyond that, I tried to just move physically away from the moment - as in, "You seem really upset, and that makes me feel upset. Let's talk about this later when we both feel calmer." One of the great power of parenthood is that you can often choose the time and place for difficult discussions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 These are so very helpful. My oldest is only 11yo, but I am starting to see glimpses of our future, and it isn't pretty.:ohmy: I am printing these out. Keep them coming! Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsdash Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 My best advice would be not to argue with them. They will then be under the impression that you are on equal footing and that they have the "right" to argue with you. Don't get pulled into an argument or a tit for tat kind of discussion. You don't have to explain yourself to death. Remind them that they are going to have to learn to control themselves and their anger because in the adult world (of which they will quickly be entering), there is no room for temper tantrums. They need the "it's time to grow up" talk. They need a plan to recognize and overcome the anger and irrational behavior before it gets the best of them. Praise them when they do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I'll agree with most of what the other posters have said already. I have a 13 year old dd and a 16 year old dd so things are starting to become "fun" around here. It's amazing how quickly their moods change. One thing is while I don't allow them to treat others poorly I do try to understand their moodiness. Especially during PMS I can become very moody (tearful one minute and angry the next). It's also hard to let go of your teen. I am very close to both of my dds. My oldest dd and I are very much alike so sometimes I'll just assume that she feels the same way that I do, which of course isn't always the case. I think it's also very important for parents to admit it when they are wrong. Parents aren't always right, even though they should always be respected. We've kept a very open dialogue through the years leading up to this so that helps a lot. When my teens are in a particularly bad mood I'll suggest that they go in their rooms for some quiet time or a little nap. Sometimes they are just overtired (similar to the way toddlers get). It's amazing how much that helps. I also find that talking to them about when I was a teen helps. I think they feel better when they realize that everyone goes through this period of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I am convinced that some smart Canadian mother invented hockey so that her sons could go beat each other up with sticks outside, then come back inside and behave like gentlemen. Hormones can be frightening. But I agree that exercise, sleep, a good diet, and rational conversation can get everyone through the experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I've thought about asking this same thing. I'm so glad someone did. My dd is 11.5 and it's amazing how she can just "explode" over "nothing". I know it isn't nothing to her, though. My biggest problem is that I really didn't act that way as a teen and pre-teen, so I don't really understand it. I've asked my mother and she says I didn't. My older sister was very rebellious, so she had lots of issues. She also became an alcoholic for 19 years, though. I remember her outbursts, and my dd's aren't NEARLY that bad. She got angry just 2 days ago because of some schoolwork. We were at the table and I asked her to go do her independent schoolwork in her room. I realized that I was getting upset (my own hormonal issues were at play!). I also didn't want her acting that way in front of her brother. I told her she could come and ask me if she had questions. It really helped me and her, too. I'm trying to be understanding, but I don't think hormones ever justify being disrespectful. I do know that my own reaction can further hers. I'll gladly take any help/ideas offered here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I'd just add "don't take it personally". It's not about you and if you let them push your buttons you lose. We do karate here and I'm always finding something some master fighter said to make my case. One favourite is from my own teacher - "the first one who loses their temper loses the fight". Another favourite was from a Taekwondo teacher saying anyone that aspires to be a black belt needs to keep their room clearn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev in B'ville Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 earplugs, headache relief medication of your choice, alcholic beverage of your choice, etc.:lol: Seriously, I remind myself now that I have two teen's to pick my battles. I also remind them of this when dealing with me or each other. I also remind them that it's okay to disagree as long as it doesn't resort to character attacks on the person (i.e. no name calling; it's childish and I won't tolerate it). I also tell them it's okay to say whatever you want in your head, but once it comes out of your mouth you deal with the consequences. Hmmm, choices=consequences. I seem to be on a roll lately with that one. Another site, if you're interested, is a Christian Psychologist named John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com) You can join his site for a small fee and then have access to all of his information and advice. He also has a few books out. I like his approach to parenting. It's very much akin to our grandparents' type of parenting. He is a syndicated columnist; that's how I first heard of him. He just makes so much sense. HTH. Bev Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 By remaining rational. No matter how you really want to respond. lol I seriously agree with all that has been said about sleep and exercise and a regular routine. Those should be in place if you can! But I firmly believe that kids with over-the-top or exaggerated responses really need a consistent, matter-of-fact and rational counterbalance in their parents. That means I must deal with discipline and frustration in a constructive way--sometimes I express my frustrations AWAY from the kid(s)--so that I can be a firm, calming influence against their seemingly crazy, changing world. Teens still NEED mom and dad to be strong enough to lean on! I think that Boundaries with Kids and Boundaries with Teens are the books that helped me most with this, along with Parenting With Love and Logic. When my dd is raging--at me, against me or her siblings, or just going nuts--she is caught in the moment and doesn't realize at the time that she is craving stability in my response. I try to listen and really hear her, gently asking questions to draw her out of the situation and into thinking about how she's choosing to respond--but this doesn't excuse any actions that need to be disciplined. Discipline during these years focuses on making wise choices, self-control and handling life and its difficulties with character. My kids are sick of those 3 phrases but I'm going to repeat them (and what they really MEAN) until they get them and have no choice but to pass them along to their kids. LOL!!! Choose wisely. Develop self-control. Respond with character. And if I'm not doing these things, I have no shame about pointing out my own mistakes and having a do-over right before them so that they can see that *I* want to develop these things, too. It's not just some mom thing that I'm spouting off! Anyhow, these are the keys at our home. It's a LONG process and I have more future teens coming who will hopefully benefit from my (attempted!) dedication to these main principles. (We are Christians, too, so the Bible is an excellent source for help with this! Particularly the book of Proverbs, and I think there is a ton of wisdom there for ANY parent, Christian or not.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I don't have a teen yet. But, I watch my FIL, he's got 4 adopted girls, 3 are teens. They lost their mom 3 years ago. She was a major control freak and would have ruined these girls. He does not take them personally. He keeps in mind they are half-crazy at this age. He does not get too emotional. He pours out grace and mercy. I watch how he handles them and I told him I'd send my kids to him when they hit that stage because I would probably go insane. The drama, the emotions, the selfishness, the irrationalizations.........all of it. They are good girls, but growing up is hard to do. I admire how he treats his daughters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Remind them that they are going to have to learn to control themselves and their anger because in the adult world (of which they will quickly be entering), there is no room for temper tantrums. They need the "it's time to grow up" talk. They need a plan to recognize and overcome the anger and irrational behavior before it gets the best of them. Really? They could always become politicians: Japan: Alabama senate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlXKBribICs&feature=related Korea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4wn70xPxzc&feature=related :lol::lol::lol: Seriously, I think there have been very many great ideas here. The other thing I like to talk about is how to channel anger into something constructive. I think when you get really mad about something, it can motivate you to change the world. Also Gordon Neufeld talks a lot about teaching kids to go from "mad to sad". Getting stuck in mad is a real problem and can cause a lot of frustration. If you can get kids to cry, to stay vulnerable and 'soft', it really helps. I have found Holly Cole's song Cry (if you want to) to be very helpful in initiating that kind of thinking. Getting alongside, instead of standing in opposition. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O078AVSa-cg - this is a live version & not nearly as nice as the studio one but it gives you a taste. Cry if you want I won't tell you not to I won’t try to cheer you up I'll just be here if you want me It’s no use in keeping a stiff upper lip You can weep you can sleep you can loosen your grip You can frown you can drown and go down with the ship You can cry if you want to Don’t ever apologize venting your pain It's something to me you don’t need to explain I don’t need to know why I don’t think it’s insane You can cry if you want to The windows are closed The neighbors aren’t home If it’s better with me than to do it alone I'll draw all the curtains and unplug the phone You can cry if you want to You can stare at the ceiling and tear at your hair Swallow your feelings and stagger and swear You could show things and throw things and I wouldn’t care You can cry if you want to I won’t make fun of you I won’t tell any one I won’t analyze what you do or you should have done I won’t advise you to go and have fun You can cry if you want to Well it’s empty and ugly and terribly sad I can’t feel what you feel but I know it feels bad I know that it's real and it makes you so mad You could cry Cry if you want to I won’t tell you not to I won’t try and cheer you up I'll just be here if you want me; to be Near you And I find this all incredibly hard as I have a HUGE temper myself so I'm not a good example at all, I'm more the dire warning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev in B'ville Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 By remaining rational. No matter how you really want to respond. lol I seriously agree with all that has been said about sleep and exercise and a regular routine. Those should be in place if you can! But I firmly believe that kids with over-the-top or exaggerated responses really need a consistent, matter-of-fact and rational counterbalance in their parents. That means I must deal with discipline and frustration in a constructive way--sometimes I express my frustrations AWAY from the kid(s)--so that I can be a firm, calming influence against their seemingly crazy, changing world. Teens still NEED mom and dad to be strong enough to lean on! I think that Boundaries with Kids and Boundaries with Teens are the books that helped me most with this, along with Parenting With Love and Logic. When my dd is raging--at me, against me or her siblings, or just going nuts--she is caught in the moment and doesn't realize at the time that she is craving stability in my response. I try to listen and really hear her, gently asking questions to draw her out of the situation and into thinking about how she's choosing to respond--but this doesn't excuse any actions that need to be disciplined. Discipline during these years focuses on making wise choices, self-control and handling life and its difficulties with character. My kids are sick of those 3 phrases but I'm going to repeat them (and what they really MEAN) until they get them and have no choice but to pass them along to their kids. LOL!!! Choose wisely. Develop self-control. Respond with character. And if I'm not doing these things, I have no shame about pointing out my own mistakes and having a do-over right before them so that they can see that *I* want to develop these things, too. It's not just some mom thing that I'm spouting off! Anyhow, these are the keys at our home. It's a LONG process and I have more future teens coming who will hopefully benefit from my (attempted!) dedication to these main principles. (We are Christians, too, so the Bible is an excellent source for help with this! Particularly the book of Proverbs, and I think there is a ton of wisdom there for ANY parent, Christian or not.) I agree with much of what you said. I just wanted to say I read Proverbs not too long ago. My Bible is a translation by Max Lucado, so the translation is in everyday English and, honestly, this wasn't working for me that day. As I kept reading, I started getting the giggles. I kept thinking that I was reading the Holy Grail of Chinese fortune cookies! :lol: I think I need a new translation, or perhaps a new attitude when I read Proverbs. Generally, I like Lucado's translation precisely because it's in everyday English. Just wanted to share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I remembered a goofy little chalkboard. I pulled it out of the box. Stuck it on the wall and wrote "I AM THE GROWNUP" on the chalkboard. I love your parenting style--it resonates with how I see myself on my best days. Today, unfortunately is not one of my good days. I'm currently hiding from my children. The baby is finally asleep and I've foisted the rock-throwing toddler onto the 12yo who hasn't even begun her schoolwork today. My college girl is homesick now that the novelty has worn off and I'm heartsick that I can't really help her. I yelled at the 7 and 9yos for playing outside in their pajamas even though they were getting along and having a glorious time. Then I read your "I am the grownup" post and realized that was just what I needed. Yeah, I'm tired and I have a headache and I wish I could leave the house without 90 minutes lead time, but it's time to stop hiding, go down there and PARENT those children. Thanks for the kick in the pants. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 Thanks, everyone, for these great responses! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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