Ex spouse and family

[Liberty]

So, I learned that my nephew (late sister's son) who is having his annual BBQ family reunion also invited my ex husband to it. 

 

Even though xh won't be going (and I'm pretty sure they knew he wouldn't), It hurt me to learn that.  My brother thinks it's ridiculous that I would be hurt.  So, am I being silly feeling a bit betrayed?

 

As background, my xh is an alcoholic.  We were married 21 years. I was in counseling for most of those years and still am, dealing with the issues that came with living with him.  He was very emotionally and verbally abusive, and, I suspect, not at all faithful.  He was incarcerated a number of times, but was able to stay employed because he worked for said brother.  He is now remarried, back on the wagon, lives in another town and works elsewhere (so is no longer connected with my brother/family).  

 

I am engaged to a wonderful man (widowed) who hates alcohol and actually treats me with respect.  I am very happy.  Except my family's continued attachment to my ex hurts.  Am I in the wrong here?

[SemiSweet]

I would be hurt. :grouphug:

[Another Lynn]

:grouphug:   

[mom2bee]

:grouphug: I don't think your nephew meant a betrayal by inviting an Uncle he (probably) grew up knowing.

You have a lot more reason to hate your ex than your nephew does. The perspective of a child relative is not the same as that of a spouse.

Nephew can't really know what it was like for you and how unhappy you were in the marriage. :grouphug:

 

The fact that they told you they had extended an invitation probably says how oblivious Nephew actually is of the whole thing. I understand why you are hurt, but I also think that this is one of those things that you have to come to grips with it and let go.

 

xH was an awful spouse to you, but others probably saw a limited side of him. There could be other things at play here, that aren't about you at all.

If you and xH have kids together, then it could've been a courtesy thing or on behalf of his cousins (you and xHs kids)

 

:grouphug:

Take a deep breath and let it go. At least xH's not going to be there.

 

:grouphug:

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Gently, yes, I think you are wrong here.  

 

You are not wrong to have an instant, negative reaction to his being invited.  

 

But this party is about your nephew and while xH might have been a horrible DH, he was apparently a good enough uncle that nephew wants him there.  And that's perfectly fair.  

 

Kids shouldn't have to pick sides in divorce, even when the divorce is clearly one person's fault.

[Bluegoat]

I tend to agree with others who said your nephew's relationship with his uncle is really seperate from yours with your ex.

 

21 years is a long time, and people who marry in over a time period like that become part of the family in a way that simply can't be erased.  It makes handling family events tricky though, for sure.  Especially if you don't want to make public all the problems of your marriage.

 

I have an aunt by marriage who is often included in extended family events.  She and her husband have been separated for more than 30 years now, but we still consider her an important part of our family.  There are still lots of concrete connections too - she is the grandmother of some of the kids in the family, she is the mother of an adult, aside from the family bonds that developed over many years with her in-laws.  TBH, we have a much closer relationship with her than we ever had with my uncle's partner of 15 years or so.

 

But it is worth talking to someone in the family if events like this will be hard to make work for you if your ex is there. 

[lmrich]

Does your nephew know? 

 

Even still, he considers your ex to be his uncle. You nephew did not live with your (I presume) so I bet he only saw your ex as a fun uncle, one associated with bbqs, holidays, and parties. At least that how it would be for my kids and how or what they know about their uncles. 

[Rosie_0801]

Your relatives condone DV against you? It doesn't give you the right to lay down the law and demand they sever relationships, but yeah, you've got every right to feel betrayed, hurt and downright venomous.

[Farrar]

I think it's great that your nephew is able to maintain his relationship with your xh. If you feel a sense of hurt about that, I think you should try and let it go.

 

I think it was inappropriate after all you went through and without consideration for your feelings to invite him to a family bbq. If you were close, then maybe it would be okay, but you're hurt and it's your family. I don't think you're out of line to expect them to support you over him, especially after a story like that.

 

:grouphug:

[zoobie]

Does your nephew know more than the alcoholism and divorce? If only that part, that would be different than inviting the known, repeated assailant of your aunt to the reunion. Having his own relationship with the man doesn't mean it's okay to invite him to a gathering where his only connection is through his victimized ex-wife. That's should not be done without your blessing.

[tm919]

My aunt and her husband got a divorce, similar circumstances but there was more to the story. Part of our family took what seems to be your view though, and we weren't even told when he died until after the funeral. The thing is, I get he was flawed, even dangerous, but the love of a little child for a fun uncle persists into adulthood and beyond logic. Weird to admit, but I still miss him.

Edited July 28, 2016 by tm919

[elegantlion]

Does your nephew know more than the alcoholism and divorce? If only that part, that would be different than inviting the known, repeated assailant of your aunt to the reunion. Having his own relationship with the man doesn't mean it's okay to invite him to a gathering where his only connection is through his victimized ex-wife. That's should not be done without your blessing.

 

:iagree: The circumstances of your divorce and his addictions and abuse should make it so you don't have to "play nice" at YOUR family's get together. I would explain to nephew that you understand they still have a relationship and that is their business, but when it comes a reunion, you would prefer he not be invited as it is difficult for you to be around him. People who have been abused by a spouse should not be forced to be around them once they get divorced.  :grouphug:

[J-rap]

I can see how you'd feel!  I'm sure your nephew just thinks of him as his uncle still, but I do think it was in poor taste for him to invite your ex given what has happened.  I think I'd feel the same way as you.  How did you find out?  At the very least, your nephew should warn you that he invited your ex, so I hope he did that.  

 

I think in the future, if your nephew wants to keep up a relationship with him, he should only invite him to things that are not so family-oriented, unless it is a special event that centers on your nephew, like his wedding, etc.  

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This is a painful situation and opening up old wounds for you.  You suffered for years and are still suffering.  It feels like anyone in your family that wants to spend time with your EX must not care much about you much.  I agree with others, though, how much of that was seen by other members of your family?  How much is your nephew actually aware of?  Most of them probably saw the public side, maybe the fun and cool side of your XH.  They, at a fundamental level, may have genuinely bonded with that side and do not really KNOW what you went through.  Inviting your ex is not an attack on you or a lack of love for you but acknowledging that bond.  Especially with a nephew or niece, you are talking about the bond of a child even though they are an adult now.  

 

The bottom line, though, is that you should not have to face an abusive XH at your family's gathering.  This is not just a normal divorce situation (which can also be very painful).  This is an abusive X.  Your nephew was the one doing the inviting (and probably not aware of how serious the situation was?) so you can't really dictate who he can and can't invite.  It is his gathering.  However, if he has no idea how bad it was and this may happen again, then you need to decide whether to talk to him or not.  That's a hard one.  But you shouldn't have to face your XH at YOUR family's gatherings or feel like you have to avoid attending to avoid your XH.  How about the rest of the family?  Are there others that know the extent of the abuse?  How are they reacting?  Are they being supportive?  Perhaps they could help you help your nephew understand?  

 

Just please try not to be upset with your nephew.  I totally understand being hurt but he really honestly probably does have fond memories of his uncle and has no idea how abusive the relationship really was.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[displace]

I think I would be hurt as well. But I think also a lot of other people may not think it's a big deal to invite your exH (they may not know all the details, etc). Since nobody else is in your shoes except you, I'd understand they may not get it. In the future I'd also make it clear I would not show to events where exH is too. So that they know where you stand. (Hugs)

Edited July 28, 2016 by displace

[Arcadia]

One of my late uncle is an alcoholic and wife beater. So very obvious and no one invites him for family gatherings. His wife, kids and grandkids are of course invited.

 

Another uncle and a cousin is self-centered/narcissistic but is still invited to annual four generations gatherings. Their emotional abuse affects a few relatives out of a big extended family. There are many relatives who can move them aside if they sprout hurtful remarks.

 

My nephews and nieces only know about the granduncle who is a wife beater. They have much less knowledge of the verbally hurtful ones because these people never lash out on my nephews and nieces. So it won't be weird if my nephews or nieces invite those meanies to weddings, housewarming parties.