Siblings

[purplejackmama]

I'm in the thick of bickering siblings. Blah!

 

Anyone here familiar with the book, Siblings Without Rivalry? Can you help me problem solve an issue? Even if you aren't familiar with the book, brainstorm with me.

 

1 child does something that annoys another. It's just a power struggle because annoying activity adds no value to child's life.

 

How do you handle this? So far I've tried to make child see that he should stop. (Doesn't work)

I've tried telling other child to ignore annoying child. (Doesn't work)

I've screamed STOP IT and that works for about 3 seconds.

Sigh.

[fairfarmhand]

For my kids, annoying kid is bored. I say, "Hmm.. you seem bored. Do you want to find something to do, or shall I?" They don't like the things I find for them to do. they'd rather play legos, jump on the trampoline or watch paint peel.

[maize]

The child doing the annoying thing is allowed to do it somehere by themself (in their room or outside). If we want to be around other people we need to avoid behaviors that are irritating to them.

It's what I tell my kids if they are screaming, whining, etc.. They are free to engage in the behavior, just not around other people who will be bothered by it.

[amy g.]

I split them up when they start acting this way.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 30, 2016 by cathey

[bettyandbob]

Remind them that one day they may need a kidney.

[Janeway]

I'm in the thick of bickering siblings. Blah!

 

Anyone here familiar with the book, Siblings Without Rivalry? Can you help me problem solve an issue? Even if you aren't familiar with the book, brainstorm with me.

 

1 child does something that annoys another. It's just a power struggle because annoying activity adds no value to child's life.

 

How do you handle this? So far I've tried to make child see that he should stop. (Doesn't work)

I've tried telling other child to ignore annoying child. (Doesn't work)

I've screamed STOP IT and that works for about 3 seconds.

Sigh.

At this point, I think we should just all take a "conference" away from the siblings who won't stop fighting. LOL

[KrissiK]

I separate them. My boys bicker constantly. They are close in age. They are as different in personalities and temperaments as bananas and fish. I just separate them. Or send them outside. Or yell at them. Whatever.

[Bambam]

I've been known to assign them a chore to do together. Like mopping the kitchen floor (you can't mop a kitchen floor too often!). I'd give them old washclothes and a pail of water. Get busy, girls. Or old toothbrushes (when I don't have two grout brushes because you know it would just cause problems if they don't have matching brushes) and set them to cleaning the grout in the tile - again with a pail of clean water. Yes, in both these cases, I had to keep emptying the pail and supplying clean water, but whatever, I ended up with two girls who were laughing at the end *and* a clean floor. Baseboards might work, but I'd prefer you to be in the same room where I can see both of you at one time. 

 

But, yes, children who have time to annoy each other simply don't have enough to do. And I can always be counted on to help with that. And not in ways that the children liked. Ever. You can do chores for me, or you can stop annoying your sibling and find something fun to do. Chose wisely.

 

 

[mamiof5]

If I can pinpoint exactly what's going on (who's starting it) I give him/her something to do. If they have time/energy to pester a sibling, they might as well put their time and energy to good use (clean baseboards, doors etc). I'd it's hard to tell who started it? Both get extra work. Also, they might be tired...so earlier bedtime. If it continues then fun stuff starts going away (no time with fr, movies, electronics, outings... whatever you do), since that's unacceptable behavior and there's no motivation for us as parents to provide such fun things if they can't be respectful and nice to each other. I always tell them that peace and harmony in our home is very valuable, and dad and I will do what is necessary to keep a healthy environment.

[Tita Gidge]

If it's something like pencil-tapping or whistling indoors - things that are annoying to be around but aren't aimed directly at the sibling - I expect a few respectful, kind requests to stop. And if the offending party doesn't stop after a few request, all bets are off. You were warned, you reap what you sow. (But I have a lot of boys close in age and this is how they would handle it anyhow.)  Usually the annoyed kid will grab the pencil and put it away, or put a hand over the whistler's mouth.

 

If it's something like poking the sibling or going into their closet without asking - something directly affecting and aimed at the sibling - I sometimes step in. I'll ask the offender what they hope to accomplish (trick question, 98% of the time they don't hope to accomplish anything specific) and then shoo them away with threat of "mandatory fun" if they don't find something else (constructive!) to do.

 

Mandatory fun is painful for the children. It's forced, cooperative play or work. My favorite go-to is for them to wash and rub my feet. Mandatory for them, fun for me. My feet are so gnarly that I had one who used to request a lecture instead LOL.

 

But really I tell them that they need to be respectful of each other. I don't care if they like each other, or not, that's between them ... but respect and civility affect the entire household, so that's the expectation I have. And they can choose to do it on their terms, or default to doing it on mine. They know I enjoy creative solutions (it was my paid job for most of their lives!) so they're usually motivated to do it on their terms. Usually! Because the unknown of what I'll come up with is just too scary for them to gamble on. :D

[Tita Gidge]

Remind them that one day they may need a kidney.

 

:lol: That's funny!

 

I've told mine that all the stress they put me through is going to kill me young, and all they'll have left is each other - for better or worse!  I like your line better LOL.

[nd293]

Separate. Annoying Child goes outside or gets a job to do for me.

 

On the other hand, sometimes one child finds something annoying about the other child that isn't actually being done to annoy (e.g. bouncing a ball or singing). Then Annoyed Child is reminded that they don't make the rules and it is suggested that they'll be less annoyed in their room with the door shut!

[Tanaqui]

What sort of annoying things are they doing to each other?

 

It's just a power struggle because annoying activity adds no value to child's life.

 

That might be, or it might not. I find it's unwise to spend too much time speculating on other people's motivations. You move the conversation from "you can't both be happy if you're doing this right here, right now, and we need to find a solution that creates optimal happiness for everybody" to a discussion on everybody's inner thoughts and feelings, which is something inherently unprovable - and if that wasn't bad enough, the truth is you're just guessing. You're less likely to be right than you think. We all are!

 

When I was a child, my mother frequently got very annoyed with my habit of twirling around and around in a chair, or spinning mardi gras beads around my wrist. I'm sure she would have said those activities "added no value" to my life, but on the contrary, they helped me to focus and to think.

 

When my mother was young, her mother got annoyed with her habit of eating with her mouth open - turns out, she was constantly congested and if she couldn't have her mouth open, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

 

Today, one of my girls was humming as she worked, which really did annoy her sister, but she's previously told us that humming helps her concentrate. (I told her sister to go somewhere else if it bugged her that much, or else put in her headphones and listen to music.)

[City Mouse]

I would make mine go do yard work together, or some other equally horrible chore if they were both evolved.

If one is pestering, then that one was given a task.

 

Minor annoyances that did not cause disagreements where just pointed out. "You are singing again. Please stop or go somewhere else so we can watch tv."

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 30, 2016 by cathey

[maize]

What sort of annoying things are they doing to each other?

 

 

That might be, or it might not. I find it's unwise to spend too much time speculating on other people's motivations. You move the conversation from "you can't both be happy if you're doing this right here, right now, and we need to find a solution that creates optimal happiness for everybody" to a discussion on everybody's inner thoughts and feelings, which is something inherently unprovable - and if that wasn't bad enough, the truth is you're just guessing. You're less likely to be right than you think. We all are!

 

When I was a child, my mother frequently got very annoyed with my habit of twirling around and around in a chair, or spinning mardi gras beads around my wrist. I'm sure she would have said those activities "added no value" to my life, but on the contrary, they helped me to focus and to think.

 

When my mother was young, her mother got annoyed with her habit of eating with her mouth open - turns out, she was constantly congested and if she couldn't have her mouth open, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

 

Today, one of my girls was humming as she worked, which really did annoy her sister, but she's previously told us that humming helps her concentrate. (I told her sister to go somewhere else if it bugged her that much, or else put in her headphones and listen to music.)

 

This is a good point.

 

My earlier post was assuming that one child was engaging in annoying activity with the specific intent of annoying a sibling. Kids do this, especially when they are bored. It can be anything--pushing against a table to shake it back and forth, whistling, tapping a pencil, making popping noises with their mouth, drinking noisily, whatever. 

 

But kids may also do the same types of things for reasons that have nothing to do with the sibling. They may be sensory seeking, or need to move in order to focus, or whatever. They're not likely to be able to verbalize this. The child who is annoyed may have equally legitimate reasons--sensitivity to noise, for example. In this case, you will need to figure out what is least restrictive and most workable for bother children. It is unreasonable to expect a child who is naturally wiggly to sit still, for example, but it is equally unreasonable to expect a child who is easily distracted by noise to just ignore pencil tapping. 

 

In such a scenario, one possibility would be to have the children go to separate rooms. Another (that I have used) is to have ear plugs or noise protection ear muffs available for the child who cannot focus when there is noise. 

 

A good principle to teach both children: we can each only control our own actions. We cannot control someone else and it is generally not worth trying. A polite request for someone to stop a behavior is acceptable, but demands are not.