Disappointments

[purplejackmama]

I don't feel like I can talk about this with people in real life. So indulge me, please.

 

Do you look at your life and see disappointment? I was talking last night with my DH about some parenting struggles and he made this statement, "yeah but you are always disappointed with things." It kind of stopped me dead in my tracks. Maybe this is true. Things didn't turn out the way I had hoped, or dreamed in a lot of areas.

 

How do you keep your expectations in check? How do you deal with major disappointments?

 

Let's talk.

[marbel]

I do see disappointments.  There are times when it is more acute than others.  Right now, graduation season is tough for me (my graduate is not going off to a great college in the fall, etc).   I try to remember that I'm living the life I was given, and to make the most of it (Christian faith) despite circumstances that I don't like.  That helps when I can remind myself of it.   I try not to dwell on it and honestly I keep it to myself rather than talk to my husband because he is the opposite of me in that regard.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[purplejackmama]

Thanks, Marbel.

 

Yeah I may need to not say so much to my hubby, next time.

[J-rap]

Oh sure, there are always disappointments.  But, I tend to not think of them.  It's just part of life.  Also, I think I mostly go through life with very few specific expectations.   That probably helps!

[Guest]

Sometimes. Sometimes, too, there's a whistfulness about the road not taken. But, I usually bring myself back to reality by saying, "It is what it is." This is the life I have, this is where I live, this is the income we have to work with at present, this is how I spend my time, etc. I can make plans to alter something if I am feeling it really isn't working well as-is, but really, a lot of happiness in life depend upon being able to work with what is.

[Guest]

Sometimes. Sometimes, too, there's a whistfulness about the road not taken. But, I usually bring myself back to reality by saying, "It is what it is." This is the life I have, this is where I live, this is the income we have to work with at present, this is how I spend my time, etc. I can make plans to alter something if I am feeling it really isn't working well as-is, but really, a lot of happiness in life depend upon being able to work with what is.

That's more where I fall. I'm an optimist and fairly content person, but I definitely wonder how some different choices would pan out. Then I just remind myself that this is where I am and I can do my best with it, because no option is perfect :)

[purplejackmama]

Sometimes. Sometimes, too, there's a whistfulness about the road not taken. But, I usually bring myself back to reality by saying, "It is what it is." This is the life I have, this is where I live, this is the income we have to work with at present, this is how I spend my time, etc. I can make plans to alter something if I am feeling it really isn't working well as-is, but really, a lot of happiness in life depend upon being able to work with what is.

I need more of this in my life.

[El...]

Somebody I'm very close to is, perhaps, a lot like you.  He would say that he's optimistic, and that things just fall short of what could have been.  I think he's actually very perfectionistic.  He doesn't see the pattern that he's always, always let down.  His routine phrase when asked about any experience is, "My problem was,..." 

 

I've had to limit my exposure to those conversations.  For a while, I was the only person he felt safe expressing his thoughts to, and that was extremely draining for me. 

 

At the moment, I think it is a personality difference that we will have to navigate with some healthy boundaries.  I am not a garbage disposal who can handle all that negative feeling, and have learned to stop that kind of conversation if I can't handle it.  He's had to invest in some other friendships so he has other people that boost him up.  I've had to recognize that it isn't my job to make him a happy person.

 

This may be nothing like you, so never mind if it doesn't apply! 

[Bambam]

I'm a realist. Our situation is what it is. If I can do something to improve it, I will. I'm not sentimental nor am I willing to spend any time on what-ifs, I-wish, if-onlys. But again, I'm a realist. I probably drive people around me nuts. Dreams? Fine, develop a plan and start working on it, but be prepared to change if the need or desire should arise. 

 

I also don't understand people pining for the "good ole days". Because what does that say if your college years (for example) were the best time in your life? I'd view that as why - why not do something now to try to make it better? Because it seems to me that often it is a matter of perspective and attitude. 

Edited June 11, 2016 by Bambam

[meena]

Some people are more idealist than others.

 

I learned from an early age that people and life can be disappointing no matter what I do on my end. While it made me terribly cynical, strangely enough it gave me an odd sense of optimism. I guess I set the bar low enough, so that even tiny victories are worth appreciating.

 

On the other side, my DH is very idealist. He has a picture in his head of what life should look like, and when things happen that veer away from that picture he gets extremely disappointed. I think he views life in a linear fashion. That is, that doing X must lead to Y which must lead to Z. But often we can do X but get Q or H as a result. What makes DH even more disappointed is when everyone else's X seems to lead to Y and Z, but his doesn't.

 

It makes him kind of an Eeyore at times, but I try to see the strength of his attitude and how to channel for good. In our lives there have been plenty of setbacks and disappointments. We work on trying to find the good in those scenarios, and live by "progress not perfection".

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that there is a 'half full/half empty' POV issue, and also the question of how this stuff is expressed.

Some people can talk about half empty glasses and be so funny and entertaining that you are in stitches.

Others are so miserable in how they express the exact same thing that they spread depression like a manure spreader--stinkily, quickly, and all over the place.

[purplejackmama]

Some people are more idealist than others.

 

I learned from an early age that people and life can be disappointing no matter what I do on my end. While it made me terribly cynical, strangely enough it gave me an odd sense of optimism. I guess I set the bar low enough, so that even tiny victories are worth appreciating.

 

On the other side, my DH is very idealist. He has a picture in his head of what life should look like, and when things happen that veer away from that picture he gets extremely disappointed. I think he views life in a linear fashion. That is, that doing X must lead to Y which must lead to Z. But often we can do X but get Q or H as a result. What makes DH even more disappointed is when everyone else's X seems to lead to Y and Z, but his doesn't.

 

It makes him kind of an Eeyore at times, but I try to see the strength of his attitude and how to channel for good. In our lives there have been plenty of setbacks and disappointments. We work on trying to find the good in those scenarios, and live by "progress not perfection".

I am your hubby!! This is exactly how I feel.

[GinaPagnato]

Some people are more idealist than others.

 

I learned from an early age that people and life can be disappointing no matter what I do on my end. While it made me terribly cynical, strangely enough it gave me an odd sense of optimism. I guess I set the bar low enough, so that even tiny victories are worth appreciating.

 

On the other side, my DH is very idealist. He has a picture in his head of what life should look like, and when things happen that veer away from that picture he gets extremely disappointed. I think he views life in a linear fashion. That is, that doing X must lead to Y which must lead to Z. But often we can do X but get Q or H as a result. What makes DH even more disappointed is when everyone else's X seems to lead to Y and Z, but his doesn't.

 

It makes him kind of an Eeyore at times, but I try to see the strength of his attitude and how to channel for good. In our lives there have been plenty of setbacks and disappointments. We work on trying to find the good in those scenarios, and live by "progress not perfection".

 

This was pretty much me for most of my life, although I wouldn't call myself an idealist. I just always figured things *ought to* work out in a certain way when I've done everything I was supposed to.

 

After many disappointments and setbacks (oh, and KIDS), I've learned that life is full of disappointments, so I should hold on very loosely to my expectations because I have no idea how things will truly work out. So in some respects, I'm a pessimist in the sense that I no longer believe that A leads to Z, but the upside is that I'm always pleasantly surprised and happy when things do work out.

 

[PeachyDoodle]

I don't feel like I can talk about this with people in real life. So indulge me, please.

 

Do you look at your life and see disappointment? I was talking last night with my DH about some parenting struggles and he made this statement, "yeah but you are always disappointed with things." It kind of stopped me dead in my tracks. Maybe this is true. Things didn't turn out the way I had hoped, or dreamed in a lot of areas.

 

How do you keep your expectations in check? How do you deal with major disappointments?

 

Let's talk.

 

 

I am your hubby!! This is exactly how I feel.

 

I don't have a lot of advice, just want to reassure you. I am exactly this way as well. I try very hard not to be, but I struggle greatly with being flexible when things don't turn out as I envision them. For me, it's not just disappointment but often anxiety as well.

 

I have tried to explain it to dh like this: My brain is like a filing cabinet. I function best when all the files are neatly tucked away in their respective folders (IOW, I know which actions I am going to take and which results they should achieve). I have to work really hard to keep all my mental files in their places. When something goes wrong, even if it's a seemingly small thing, it feels like someone has pushed my filing cabinet over and dumped out all my files. I have to spend time putting them all back and getting my head straight again. Eventually everything is right again, and I can regroup and move in a new direction, but when things go off course the next time, we start all over.

[madteaparty]

I don't know about you, but I know I get disappointed when I compare my life with "normal" people/peers. I then remind myself that one can't make unconventional choices and expect conventional markers of success. So I try to find my own markers or trust the process or something. That works a while and then I doubt myself again...

Edited June 12, 2016 by madteaparty

[Bambam]

My dad's philosophy of life that he shared with me - 'If you never expect anything, you will never be disappointed." That sounds sad, but it is also true. Maybe it is better phrased as "If you never expect anything, you can always be surprised and pleased if anything good happens."

[Carol in Cal.]

Better yet, joke about it!

 

And assume most Pinterest is staged/dishonest/very narrowly focussed/public relations only.

Edited June 12, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[purplejackmama]

Better yet, joke about it!

 

And assume most Pinterest is staged/dishonest/very narrowly focussed/public relations only.

Yeah humor has been my defense mechanism for most of my life. But these are real hurts. Things have gone really bad for my family. It's just tough. I want to let go of it, but it's a struggle for me. Edited June 12, 2016 by purplejackmama

[Arcadia]

Yeah I may need to not say so much to my hubby, next time.

My hubby likes to problem solve. So if I tell him disappointments that have viable solutions, it doesn't upset him. If it is something with no forseeable solution, he feels bad for me.

 

For example it would make me happy to have more empty space in our home so he declutter to make me happy. However we can't afford a bigger home right now so that makes him sad that it is not a viable solution.

 

Same for finding a suitable school, we toured so many and even drove 4hrs to one. Nothing looks good and he was more disappointed than me for not being able to find our kids a solution. Kind of like disappointed because kids are disappointed.

[kewb]

Yes. I am able to look at my life and see disappointment. I have a lot to be disappointed about.

 

Disabled husband with a disease the Cdc says doesn't exist.

Financial ruin due to said illness.

Unable to give my children a tenth of the experiences I had growing up.

Home falling down around me do to lack of funds to fix anything.

Had to borrow money from my mom to fix leaking roof.

Cant afford to replace car. When it does we will be a one car family in suburbia with 4 drivers.

Budget so tight it squeaks.

No family close by to help.

No family to discuss problems with because their solution is either leave husband or go back to work full time. Even though I am husband's caretaker

And so on and so on.

 

However, this is my life. Sure there is a lot of bad but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I try to focus on what I do have and not what I don't have. I make the best of what I have and smile and get on with my life. Focusing on my disappointments will only make me miserable. I am too pragmatic to dwell for long in disappointment land.

[Soror]

I can see and acknowledge that life is not perfect BUT I also see that it doesn't do any good to dwell on the negative. I try hard to find the positive in situations and bloom where I'm planted and all that. Some situations are harder. Some times it takes me a good while to find the positive. My house burned down at 39 wks pregnant- my motto was, "If you're going through hell keep on going." We used humor a lot. Some times I have to keep on trucking and just make it through, I prefer not to live that way long term, I'd rather be present. Everybody has their own struggles, nobody has a perfect life. And really I've ultimately realized(and it took me way too long) life is not fair, I mean I tell that to the kids but my thought processes about certain things was based on some idea of fairness which doesn't exist which led to unneeded disappointment.

 

My husband can be a negative Nancy, not near as negative as some people but too much for me sometimes. I *try* really hard not to always interject the positive POV. I've learned he likes to catastrophize, I ignore it if at all possible. And some posters on this board drive me crazy with this too, always posting things, framed like they want some help but they just like to complain about how nothing will ever work for them. I wonder why they want to be so damn miserable but I guess that is their prerogative. 

 

Ironically I can be sarcastic, really sarcastic and mouthy. I'm definitely not one of those everything is all roses and sunshine kind of people. I'd rather face the facts than ignore them. You can be a realist and still be positive- it is in how you frame things.

Edited June 12, 2016 by soror

[fraidycat]

I can see and acknowledge that life is not perfect BUT I also see that it doesn't do any good to dwell on the negative. I try hard to find the positive in situations and bloom where I'm planted and all that. Some situations are harder. Some times it takes me a good while to find the positive. My house burned down at 39 wks pregnant- my motto was, "If you're going through hell keep on going." We used humor a lot. Some times I have to keep on trucking and just make it through, I prefer not to live that way long term, I'd rather be present. Everybody has their own struggles, nobody has a perfect life. And really I've ultimately realized(and it took me way too long) life is not fair, I mean I tell that to the kids but my thought processes about certain things was based on some idea of fairness which doesn't exist which led to unneeded disappointment.

 

My husband can be a negative Nancy, not near as negative as some people but too much for me sometimes. I *try* really hard not to always interject the positive POV. I've learned he likes to catastrophize, I ignore it if at all possible. And some posters on this board drive me crazy with this too, always posting things, framed like they want some help but they just like to complain about how nothing will ever work for them. I wonder why they want to be so damn miserable but I guess that is their prerogative.

 

Ironically I can be sarcastic, really sarcastic and mouthy. I'm definitely not one of those everything is all roses and sunshine kind of people. I'd rather face the facts than ignore them. You can be a realist and still be positive- it is in how you frame things.

:iagree:

 

I have some negative family members. I annoy them by interjecting the positive, but fair is fair - they annoy me with negativity. :D

 

On here, it took me a while, but I've learned to just skip right on by the misery. You're right that it is a choice, but to each their own.

 

Sarcastic and mouthy is my style, too. I often put myself in ROM time-outs around here so I don't get myself banned.

 

Sometimes. Sometimes, too, there's a whistfulness about the road not taken. But, I usually bring myself back to reality by saying, "It is what it is." This is the life I have, this is where I live, this is the income we have to work with at present, this is how I spend my time, etc. I can make plans to alter something if I am feeling it really isn't working well as-is, but really, a lot of happiness in life depend upon being able to work with what is.

And :iagree:

 

I have my "what if" days - but I don't dwell in them. For the most part, I accept what is, practice gratitude for all that is right and good - which is a LOT, am realistic without being Eeyore about it and just keep on keeping on. If I don't like something, I analyze whether I have any power to change certain aspects and learn to accept what I can't. Basically, I try to live the Serenity Prayer.

 

My DH isn't really negative-negative, he's actually an optimist, but a "grass is greener" optimist. Things'll be better when... Sometimes it's almost as annoying as straight negativity. But, being sarcastic and mouthy, I call him on it.

 

I love "I'm not a garbage disposal." I need to remember that.

Edited June 12, 2016 by fraidycat