Accelerated Daughter Wants to Repeat Grade - Pros / Cons?

[SKL]

To be honest, I look at an older (held back) child's "great accomplishments" differently than those of a younger (on time) child.  If it's being done mainly to make it easier to excel, then I feel it's both an unfair advantage and disadvantage.  (A disadvantage because it robs a capable child of age-appropriate challenge - whether academic, social, or emotional.)  If I were screening young people for college or whatever, it would taint my view, to be honest.  My kid has 125% of the accomplishments but she graduated a year later than typical.  I would discount those accomplishments back down to 100%.

[SKL]

I don't see that as a problem. There isn't anything signification about age 18 vs 19 for yearning to move on. Till about 10 years ago my province of Ontario went to grade 13 - then called OAC. Because of that lots of kids graduated on schedule at age 19. It is the norm in the area and the province still has many kids doing a victory lap, as in staying in highschool for a fifth year just because they want to. Last I heard, 13.5% of students finishing grade 12 return for another year of highschool.

 

My youngest if he graduates on schedule will be 17 years and 7 months at the the end of his 12th year. I like the idea that he has the option of doing a "victory lap" and it not being considered odd or out of place to be in highschool for 5 years. I like the fact I don't have to decide before highschool when he has to finish, he can decide that for himself when he gets to the end of his highschool experience. I have a feeling he might want to move on at 17, because he is very close to his brother and I think one year of being home without him will be enough. But if it isn't he can choose at that time to stay home for another year. Get more credits, more experience, have more time to decide what to do next with his life.  

 

That's nice that your system offers that, but in the US an extra year of high school would indicate a student who failed, quite honestly.  One would have to explain if that wasn't the case.  "My mom wanted my transcript to look better" doesn't sound compelling IMO.

 

Edited June 1, 2016 by SKL

[Julie Smith]

That's nice that your system offers that, but in the US an extra year of high school would indicate a student who failed, quite honestly.  One would have to explain if that wasn't the case.  "My mom wanted my transcript to look better" doesn't sound compelling IMO.

 

 

I can understand that. I was just replying that from my experience there is no problem with graduating at 19 vs. 18, and doing so in my province is normal. 

 

Since the trend in the US seems to be starting highschool later and later, you (as in the USA) are having more and more kids graduating at 19. Perhaps using us (Ontario) as an example you can see that there isn't anything scary or bad about having 19 years old still in highschool. 

[karminr]

Wonderful suggestions - it is great to hear what others are going through & how they handle similar situations.  We don't really know any home school families in our area & husband's eyes glaze over when I try to discuss with him (he's not American and has never been able to wrap his head around the American education system / what we have to do with home school since we moved to the US).  :confused1:   Daughter likes the idea of being able to continue on our path and figure out how she feels in 2-3 years.  We have to declare a grade on our letter of intent for the state each year, but as far as I know it isn't something that colleges will ever see.  If she still feels unready in that time, we will call her work next year "early HS credits" on her transcript and adjust as necessary.  

 

 

[SKL]

I can understand that. I was just replying that from my experience there is no problem with graduating at 19 vs. 18, and doing so in my province is normal. 

 

Since the trend in the US seems to be starting highschool later and later, you (as in the USA) are having more and more kids graduating at 19. Perhaps using us (Ontario) as an example you can see that there isn't anything scary or bad about having 19 years old still in highschool. 

 

In the personal experience of my family, it was hard going to high school when we were mostly adults - and I'm talking age 16-18.  I was dying to get out of that mess when I was 16 (I graduated and went to college at 16).  And I attended a relatively decent school.  The very few people who were over 18 were not happy there.  I understand there is a trend toward older entry, but I don't think the basic nature of humans has changed that much, to where a NT person age 19 is cool with being treated like a child.  Statistics show that the older a person is in his grade, the more likely he is to drop out all together.

 

If we changed the way we run high schools, that might make a difference, but right now there is very little space for free movement etc., and that just isn't natural for a young adult.

 

I realize the OP does not have these issues as long as she homeschools.  :)

[wapiti]

While the effects of taking an extra year will vary between individuals, one possible negative effect is the loss of a year of earnings on the back end, at their highest right before retirement, or alternatively, having to work for an additional year.  For some people, that loss of productivity may be rather significant ($ for retirement).

[luuknam]

As SKL said, someone has to be the youngest. I always was with a summer birthday. I used to see a trend in holding kids with summer birthdays back. Now that trend is becoming holding kids with spring birthdays back. If it continues, we'll end up with the majority of kids starting K at 6 and graduating at 19. Personally, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't see schools filled with 19 year olds yearning to move on with life as safe and healthy places.

 

In the bigger picture, people often want to finish college and work for a few years before marrying and having kids and all that. Bright kids often want to finish college, get a graduate degree, and work for a few years before getting married and having kids. I've wanted to go to university and get a PhD for almost as long as I can remember. But, if you graduate at 19, graduate college at 23, spend another 4-7 years to get a PhD, then work as a post-doc for a few years, etc, then you're definitely into your 30s. Female fertility peaks in the mid-20s, and starts to decline from about 30yo onwards, more rapidly the more years you get past 30. If you want more than 1-2 kids, graduating late, getting a PhD, and working for a few years, and only then dealing with the kids issue is risky. People didn't evolve to wait until their mid-30s to have kids.

 

I skipped a grade and started 10th grade just after turning 14. I then tried to go to college at 15, but the government had closed the pathway I wanted to use a couple of years earlier (different country), so I had to finish high school first. I got ill in 11th grade, and ended up having to repeat 11th grade. I graduated a couple of months before turning 18, and then did a year as an exchange student in Thailand, so I started college just after turning 19 (and felt mighty old, lol). I got married at 20, moved, and basically had to start college over from scratch. A year or so later I ended up doing the math on how long it'd take to get a PhD etc, how old I'd be, and ended up deciding that waiting until after that to try to have kids was a bad idea (I wanted 5 kids or something at the time). It then did take almost a year to get pregnant still, and I had my first just after turning 23yo, and my second at 26yo (for various reasons, including the fact that my oldest has special needs, I think I'm done with just the two). However, I still do not have a college degree.

[SKL]

In the bigger picture, people often want to finish college and work for a few years before marrying and having kids and all that. Bright kids often want to finish college, get a graduate degree, and work for a few years before getting married and having kids. I've wanted to go to university and get a PhD for almost as long as I can remember. But, if you graduate at 19, graduate college at 23, spend another 4-7 years to get a PhD, then work as a post-doc for a few years, etc, then you're definitely into your 30s. Female fertility peaks in the mid-20s, and starts to decline from about 30yo onwards, more rapidly the more years you get past 30. If you want more than 1-2 kids, graduating late, getting a PhD, and working for a few years, and only then dealing with the kids issue is risky. People didn't evolve to wait until their mid-30s to have kids.

 

I skipped a grade and started 10th grade just after turning 14. I then tried to go to college at 15, but the government had closed the pathway I wanted to use a couple of years earlier (different country), so I had to finish high school first. I got ill in 11th grade, and ended up having to repeat 11th grade. I graduated a couple of months before turning 18, and then did a year as an exchange student in Thailand, so I started college just after turning 19 (and felt mighty old, lol). I got married at 20, moved, and basically had to start college over from scratch. A year or so later I ended up doing the math on how long it'd take to get a PhD etc, how old I'd be, and ended up deciding that waiting until after that to try to have kids was a bad idea (I wanted 5 kids or something at the time). It then did take almost a year to get pregnant still, and I had my first just after turning 23yo, and my second at 26yo (for various reasons, including the fact that my oldest has special needs, I think I'm done with just the two). However, I still do not have a college degree.

 

I like to front-load things for similar reasons - plus, at age 18 the child has every right to make all of her own decisions.  She could decide to be a professional pole dancer and I couldn't do anything about it.  I would rather she at least have a high school diploma at that point; even better if she can see the light at the end of the college degree tunnel.

 

[luuknam]

I like to front-load things for similar reasons - plus, at age 18 the child has every right to make all of her own decisions.  She could decide to be a professional pole dancer and I couldn't do anything about it.  I would rather she at least have a high school diploma at that point; even better if she can see the light at the end of the college degree tunnel.

 

Exactly. Especially since college is the new high school, at least as far as employers are concerned.

[Haiku]

If we changed the way we run high schools, that might make a difference, but right now there is very little space for free movement etc., and that just isn't natural for a young adult.

 

I completely agree. The way we run schools is not appropriate for adults. My friends who teach in high schools say that the 18 and 19 year olds are mostly just marking time, know it, and are frustrated.

[Tsuga]

To be honest, I look at an older (held back) child's "great accomplishments" differently than those of a younger (on time) child. If it's being done mainly to make it easier to excel, then I feel it's both an unfair advantage and disadvantage. (A disadvantage because it robs a capable child of age-appropriate challenge - whether academic, social, or emotional.) If I were screening young people for college or whatever, it would taint my view, to be honest. My kid has 125% of the accomplishments but she graduated a year later than typical. I would discount those accomplishments back down to 100%.

I don't know that I'd feel that way. Particularly with a child who had a solid transcript but not highly accelerated I would just think "started k at 6". Because they had the same # of yearst to get HS done. It certainly wouldn't strike me as "accelerated" to be doing 8th grade work at age 13 though. I am missing part of that story.

[regentrude]

We might be in a weird area, but our schools are on a (almost) year-round schedule and start back early. The cut-off when we moved here (no idea what is is now) was in the summer.  She was consistently the youngest child in her class; many parents elected to start their kids late here so they would have the "advantage" of being one of the oldest in the class (private schools around us actually built in an option for a pre-1st grade year between Kindergarten & 1st grade so those kids would be older, and most parents take that option).  That, combined with the early cut-off, meant that most of the other kids were typically turning the next year older 6-12 months before her.  Her friends with birthdays in June/July are a grade level lower; her friends that are in the same grade as her are about to turn 15.   

 

But you homeschool now - so how is it relevant whether she was the youngest in her class at school?

You're not doing the same stuff at home as they are doing in school - you mentioned something about your DD being accelerated.

And social interactions are not grade homogeneous as schools are but mixed age - so how is it relevant?

 

 

Edited June 1, 2016 by regentrude

[bethben]

My friend who has graduated 6 children so far always told me this.  "You can always graduate them early, but if they're not ready to move onto college/career, it's harder to hold them back".  She automatically has placed her summer birthday children in the grade below them.  That way, they can usually complete some dual enrollment classes (college classes) before they graduate high school.  Her children always worked at classes above their grade level, so college classes in high school were easier.  My 15 year old was 20 days after the September 1 cut off in Minnesota.  In Colorado, our current state, he would have made the cutoff of October 1.  He completed two high school level math classes and one foreign language class in junior high, yet, I still call him a going into 10th grade even though in Colorado, he could easily go into 11th - he has the knowledge and has completed several high school level courses.  Here's the cool thing though.  This year, he will start college math classes and next year go to full time college.  Many online colleges will have half priced credits for high school students.  So, even if your state doesn't pay for college in high school, going to college for half price is a really good deal.

[arliemaria]

I am thinking through this with my son currently.  It is a bit different because I am looking at him having a post first grade year or 1b or whatever someone might want to call it.  We are still in the middle of our first year readings we have planned.  We are using Ambleside Online currenlty.  We will go foward with Year Two when we have completed Year One and when he is in Third Grade he can do Year 3.5 readings.  Reading has been very slow coming.  Robby was born with many birth defects and did not talk until three... did not eat a BITE of food until two.  He has overcome A LOT.  It is a really hard decision to make.  We are homeschoolers, but we are not completely sheltered from the world around them.  He is bright and is capable of learning, but has always been small and slower with physical things.  He just began to alternate his feet when he is going up or down stairs, just learned to do a jumping jack after months of trying.

If we count this upcoming year as a continuation of first grade (Missouri law says the first year of compulsory education is the year which a child turns 7.  I assume that would mean first grade.) he will be 18 for his senior year and turn 19 at graduation.  I don't see this as a big deal, honestly.  I had a few boy friends who were a year below me in school, but had birthdays near mine.  Also one boy in my grade was older than us by about a year and he was successful with academics and sports and later with college and adult life.  

 

Perhaps this is harder for girls to be older, but it seems like it is becoming more and more common for boys to be 18 nearing 19 at graduation.  As a homeschooler you have options of enrollment at a college/GED/employment or internships, etc. that would not be available if she were enrolled in a public school.

[karminr]

But you homeschool now - so how is it relevant whether she was the youngest in her class at school?

You're not doing the same stuff at home as they are doing in school - you mentioned something about your DD being accelerated.

And social interactions are not grade homogeneous as schools are but mixed age - so how is it relevant?

 

I was clarifying where she is age/grade wise for others who asked.  We are simply trying to consider her requests / needs, as she is communicating them to us. It may be relevant if we unexpectedly find ourselves in a situation where she has to return to school and/or when she reaches the end of high school if she still doesn't feel ready. 

[luuknam]

My friend who has graduated 6 children so far always told me this.  "You can always graduate them early, but if they're not ready to move onto college/career, it's harder to hold them back".  She automatically has placed her summer birthday children in the grade below them.  That way, they can usually complete some dual enrollment classes (college classes) before they graduate high school.

 

I'm not real sure I understand the concept of not being ready for college, but taking college classes in high school. If you live at home while taking college classes at your local CC at age 18, does it really matter if you call it college or DE?

 

And yes, I get that admissions officers look at things weirdly sometimes, and that there are financial pros and cons to the different options (if you graduate high school, you can potentially get a (full) scholarship to college - I haven't heard of people doing DE on a scholarship, though DE apparently is free in some places).

[luuknam]

and/or when she reaches the end of high school if she still doesn't feel ready. 

 

But what if she graduates at 19 and still doesn't feel ready? Repeating 8th grade isn't going to magically make her feel ready at the end of high school.

 

What if you sit down with her and make a list of *concrete* reasons why she's not feeling ready for high school? Things other than being younger than her friends or a general feeling of unreadiness? Then you'd have something to work with.

 

As a side note, even if she's a year younger than her friends, repeating a year isn't necessarily going to improve things... if she repeats a year and her friends don't, all her friends will be in college who-knows-where when she's doing her senior year, and she might suddenly be feeling left out and lonely.

[eternalsummer]

I'm not real sure I understand the concept of not being ready for college, but taking college classes in high school. If you live at home while taking college classes at your local CC at age 18, does it really matter if you call it college or DE?

 

And yes, I get that admissions officers look at things weirdly sometimes, and that there are financial pros and cons to the different options (if you graduate high school, you can potentially get a (full) scholarship to college - I haven't heard of people doing DE on a scholarship, though DE apparently is free in some places).

 

Yes, I deliberately took no DE in high school because it cost $x /credit hour and I knew I'd be going to college for free and getting credit for those hours with IB testing anyway, so it would have been a waste of $.

[karminr]

I'm not real sure I understand the concept of not being ready for college, but taking college classes in high school. If you live at home while taking college classes at your local CC at age 18, does it really matter if you call it college or DE?

 

And yes, I get that admissions officers look at things weirdly sometimes, and that there are financial pros and cons to the different options (if you graduate high school, you can potentially get a (full) scholarship to college - I haven't heard of people doing DE on a scholarship, though DE apparently is free in some places).

 

 

We are in a state that just started paying for DE classes last summer,  starting in 11th grade. We are looking at taking advantage of it with both kids. They could potentially have 2 years of college credits upon graduating high school, which would be great for us financially and gives us other options for some of the advanced high school classes (I'm pretty sure taking a chemistry class in a college with a cool lab will be more interesting than trying to do it in our kitchen).  The cons are that part of their education would be outsourced and if we take advantage of this program, and we must report the grades on the transcript so if they perform poorly in a particular class there are no additional attempts to achieve mastery.  In our state, it is listed as Dual Enrollment on the transcript (or so I have been told).  On the other hand, if they do well in those classes it looks great on the transcript. 

 

I'm not sure how they determine the grade level to start that in though - look at the # of credits a student has or what grade is declared for that student. 

[luuknam]

I'm not sure how they determine the grade level to start that in though - look at the # of credits a student has or what grade is declared for that student. 

 

Then you might want to start by finding that out.

 

Wouldn't she have whatever number of high school credits you say she has though? I mean, you wouldn't necessarily *have* to count stuff she did in 8th grade even if you *could* count it, right? (definitely not an expert - ask the high school board?)

[karminr]

But what if she graduates at 19 and still doesn't feel ready? Repeating 8th grade isn't going to magically make her feel ready at the end of high school.

 

What if you sit down with her and make a list of *concrete* reasons why she's not feeling ready for high school? Things other than being younger than her friends or a general feeling of unreadiness? Then you'd have something to work with.

 

As a side note, even if she's a year younger than her friends, repeating a year isn't necessarily going to improve things... if she repeats a year and her friends don't, all her friends will be in college who-knows-where when she's doing her senior year, and she might suddenly be feeling left out and lonely.

 

Agreed!  :)  We talked to her about all of these things.  It seems like the best thing to do is forge ahead and if she still doesn't feel ready in 4 years we'll have to figure it out - adjust the transcript to reflect "early HS credits" for some of her work, or consider a gap year, etc.  As much as I'd love to have another year to explore areas of interest and beef up her knowledge base to make up for her years of public school, it doesn't really make sense to hold her back when she's at & above grade level in everything she's doing.  I think she will be fine the further into high school she gets, and if / when she starts DE classes.  She's oddly fine with potentially starting DE classes locally in a couple of years, it seems like it might just be the idea of leaving home that is scary? We have some very good universities that are close enough to commute to when the time comes if she doesn't want to live on campus or go further away, and she was fine with that idea.  

[arliemaria]

But what if she graduates at 19 and still doesn't feel ready? Repeating 8th grade isn't going to magically make her feel ready at the end of high school.

 

What if you sit down with her and make a list of *concrete* reasons why she's not feeling ready for high school? Things other than being younger than her friends or a general feeling of unreadiness? Then you'd have something to work with.

 

As a side note, even if she's a year younger than her friends, repeating a year isn't necessarily going to improve things... if she repeats a year and her friends don't, all her friends will be in college who-knows-where when she's doing her senior year, and she might suddenly be feeling left out and lonely.

 

This is my biggest concern for my ds, but I am not parenting his friends and in the long run a year simply doesn't matter much.  Maybe there will be some moments of feeling left behind if they do go off to college and he is still at home with his family.  On the other hand, those friends could move or we could move by then and we'll have a different social group altogether.    

 

I would definitely discuss this with her.

[karminr]

Then you might want to start by finding that out.

 

Wouldn't she have whatever number of high school credits you say she has though? I mean, you wouldn't necessarily *have* to count stuff she did in 8th grade even if you *could* count it, right? (definitely not an expert - ask the high school board?)

 

That's on the to-do list. We went to an open meet & greet night on DE here last month, and talked to the admissions people at several universities, but it was crowded and their answers did not make sense to me.  They just kept saying they can take advantage of the program when they are juniors (I asked what that meant and they did not give a coherent answer). We are new to high school home school so I don't fully understand how it all works - just looking at her declared year or how many credits she has.  I would assume if they just look at credit hours, most home school students will be "juniors" well before their public school peers as it seems home school students tend to rack up more credits than public school students.

 

I'm not sure about what we have to count either (also on the to-do list) - I would assume I have to count her math credits because colleges are expecting to see a certain progression on the transcript (Algebra I, Algebra II, Geometry, Calculus).  History / Lit - could probably count or not count all of that and as long as she has the # of hours needed, she'll be fine.  It seems like it would be a good idea to count everything though to make her transcript look more robust. 

[LisaKinVA]

Jumping in again...

 

Oldest will turn 17 day one of his Junior Year.  We didn't make a decision about holding him back (for emotional/developmental reasons) until 6th grade when it was patently obvious and totally messed with his self confidence.  He is solidly on-track as a Junior -- a bit at the top of his class -- but not outrageously so.  He fits in much better socially, he is confident, outgoing and very thankful to have that extra year to mature.

 

He is very much like my mother, who was born 30 November in CA with an 02 December cut-off.  My mother was lost in high school socially and emotionally.  She was very immature and had difficulty grasping higher concepts in certain areas due to her age (add to that the insecurities of being a late-bloomer who went from 5'1" her freshman year to towering over her female peers her sophomore year at 5'7 in the 1960's).  She felt dumb (she wasn't...she was in the advanced course work, earning A's and B's).  Her younger sister (born 07 December) had a totally opposite experience in high school.  At 70, she still laments about being forced to attend school so young, and how it would have been much better for her to wait a year. 

 

I also have a daughter who is a January baby and in the same grade with her peers.  If she were in a school, the only way she could be sufficiently challenged would have been to go for at least a 2-grade skip.  I have asked this daughter repeatedly if she wants to graduate early.  She always refuses.  She enjoys the social aspect of her peers, and enjoys working at subjects that both challenge and interest her.  She loves to swim, and is working toward a goal of swimming at a Div 1 school.  Using her as the opposite example -- should I "force" her to graduate early because I know that she is academically, socially and developmentally ready?  I don't think anyone here would advocate that -- because she's in the window of what we have come to think of as an acceptable "age-grade" level, and I'm meeting her educational needs, while supporting her choices.

 

Yet when a bright child expresses a strong desire to repeat a grade, is not comfortable, doesn't feel ready, and is kind of borderline age-wise based upon her situation, people rise up and say she has to keep going.  Ignore her feelings and if she doesn't feel ready in four years, she's an adult and can make those decisions herself.  o.O .  I will maintain that 13-14 year olds are old enough to have some say in the matter.  All the more, because she is voicing a strong opinion which goes against what we would normally see of a bright child of this age.  Most kids are chomping at the bit to move forward.  She is not.  I think it's just as much as a disservice to ignore her strong feelings on the matter of remaining in 8th grade another year as it would be for me to insist that my daughter at least "skip" one year so she doesn't stand out so far from her peer group.

 

The phrase "someone has to be the youngest" always kind of gets my goad, because in truth, it's not about their calendar age or a randomly-set state cut-off, it's about where they are developmentally on a continuum. My son's (and  my mother's) overall readiness were both called into question at a young age.  There are factors which extend beyond reading and math abilities which play into a child being ready for school -- as well as the independence, executive function/organization, self confidence, and maturity that can be demanded of high school or college work.  Unless your philosophy is something like 18 and out the door! (or similarly, after high school graduation, you're out!  It doesn't really matter if they graduate at 17, 18 or 19.  Each child is unique and we homeschool to allow them to develop on their individual time line, not the one-size-fits all mentality of b&m schools.

 

This age is a time of helping them learn how to truly own their education -- I would strongly encourage you to listen to her feelings, discuss options and her reasoning.  Take it a year at a time, continue working at her academic level, and keep necessary records as if it would be her 9th grade year -- just in case she changes her mind later.  She could, but I kind of doubt she will.  You know better than any of us if she's likely to change her mind.  

 

There are also issues that can come into play with regard to when a child graduates (attending CC prior to official HS graduation, means you don't lose your freshman status, whereas attending CC post-HS graduation means losing freshman eligibility and scholarship money).  For some, it could matter for PSAT and NMSQT eligibility.   There is nothing simple about all of these decisions.  You have my sympathies.

 

I would not be quick to discount a teen's feelings on the matter.  My mother, nearly 70, still talks about how she wishes she didn't start K as a 4 year old, how she wishes she could have had that extra year to mature.  I agree with the PP, that it is much easier to accelerate to graduate early than it is to hold them back later.

 

[luuknam]

I also have a daughter who is a January baby and in the same grade with her peers.  If she were in a school, the only way she could be sufficiently challenged would have been to go for at least a 2-grade skip.  I have asked this daughter repeatedly if she wants to graduate early.  She always refuses.  She enjoys the social aspect of her peers, and enjoys working at subjects that both challenge and interest her.  She loves to swim, and is working toward a goal of swimming at a Div 1 school.  Using her as the opposite example -- should I "force" her to graduate early because I know that she is academically, socially and developmentally ready?  I don't think anyone here would advocate that -- because she's in the window of what we have come to think of as an acceptable "age-grade" level, and I'm meeting her educational needs, while supporting her choices.

 

If she's maxed out DE/AP/CLEP/etc credits, then yes, I'd be inclined to "force" her to graduate early and move up to upper division college courses, if her career plans involve something for which a college degree is needed (if the kid wants to be e.g. a welder, I'd get her to get a welding degree at the CC and wouldn't push her into 4-year university). It sounds like your daughter hasn't maxed out DE/etc yet though (and really, it'd more likely be "strongly encourage" rather than literally "force", since you can't "force" a teenager to do anything).

 

Not sure what to say about the Div 1 swimming goals - OP's daughter doesn't have those kinds of goals, and I don't know if doing an extra year in high school would matter for those goals - I really don't get the sports in college thing the US has going on, so I'm kind of "you can swim anywhere there's water, what's the deal with swimming in college - college is for getting educated". But if the reason for not graduating early is because of some goal like swimming Div 1 in college, I could maybe get on board with that, if my kid could convince me of the point of swimming in college. There's a huge difference between delaying graduation because you're trying to accomplish some sort of goal, and delaying graduation because you just "don't feel ready".

 

And no, that doesn't mean I've got a "kick them out at 18" philosophy. I've got a "need to get them as prepared as possible for adult life before they turn 18" philosophy, since once they turn 18, I may or may not have any input whatsoever. These days, you pretty much need a college degree (or at least an applied associate's degree) in order to be well-prepared for adulthood. So, ideally, I'd want the kid to have a college degree or applied associate's degree before turning 18. Obviously, for many kids that's not a realistic goal, but the closer I can get a kid to that goal, the better. So, if a kid is academically, socially, and developmentally ready, then yeah.

[Haiku]

 The phrase "someone has to be the youngest" always kind of gets my goad, because in truth, it's not about their calendar age or a randomly-set state cut-off, it's about where they are developmentally on a continuum. 

 

I used that phrase, but I didn't mean it in regard to any particular kid. I meant that the trend is to hold back more and more kids, resulting in older and older kids still in school, and I don't see that as a good thing (nor do the high school teachers I know).

 

As a homeschooler, the OP can meet her dd's needs without having to close off any potential outcomes for her. The OP stated that if she kept her dd in 8th grade again, she would choose different curricula than she did if her dd were a 9th grader. I think that is a bad idea because it reduces flexibility. It cuts off (or makes significantly harder) the option of graduating with her peers in four years, and, contrary to what you stated, I don't think that 14 year olds are generally super-great at long-view thinking and knowing how they will feel in 4 years. When my oldest was 14, her plan was to be on an airplane back to her country of birth on her 18th birthday, shed of us and our boot of oppression for life. In reality, by the time she was 18 she planning her college route.

 

I don't think that being in 8th or 9th grade should be the focus. I think the focus should be on helping the girl feel confident and capable in what she is doing and in reducing her anxiety about the future. Simply changing what grade she calls herself is, imo, a band-aid, not a solution.

[vonfirmath]

As a homeschooler, the OP can meet her dd's needs without having to close off any potential outcomes for her. The OP stated that if she kept her dd in 8th grade again, she would choose different curricula than she did if her dd were a 9th grader. I think that is a bad idea because it reduces flexibility. It cuts off (or makes significantly harder) the option of graduating with her peers in four years, and, contrary to what you stated, I don't think that 14 year olds are generally super-great at long-view thinking and knowing how they will feel in 4 years. When my oldest was 14, her plan was to be on an airplane back to her country of birth on her 18th birthday, shed of us and our boot of oppression for life. In reality, by the time she was 18 she planning her college route.

 

To an extent this can even be true of 17 year olds. AT the beginning of my senior year of high school, I had NO DESIRE to move away from home. I enjoyed the nest, enjoyed my parents and my sister. I didn't want to ever leave. I only applied at the local university because I didn't want to move away.  I know now how lucky I am that I got in with sufficient scholarship to be able to go. And even enough excess to live in the dorms there (which I did because I got into the Honors Dorm and thought it'd be interesting to try living with other kids as interested in learning as I was.  And my parents may have pushed a little there).

 

I graduated at age 17 and college started around the time I turned 18.  Less than a semester later, I didn't want to go home. I mean, going home for visits was fine. But I had no desire to go and live at home again and started organizing my life around that idea.

 

[karminr]

Yet when a bright child expresses a strong desire to repeat a grade, is not comfortable, doesn't feel ready, and is kind of borderline age-wise based upon her situation, people rise up and say she has to keep going.  Ignore her feelings and if she doesn't feel ready in four years, she's an adult and can make those decisions herself.  o.O .  I will maintain that 13-14 year olds are old enough to have some say in the matter.  All the more, because she is voicing a strong opinion which goes against what we would normally see of a bright child of this age.  Most kids are chomping at the bit to move forward.  She is not.  I think it's just as much as a disservice to ignore her strong feelings on the matter of remaining in 8th grade another year as it would be for me to insist that my daughter at least "skip" one year so she doesn't stand out so far from her peer group.

 

This age is a time of helping them learn how to truly own their education -- I would strongly encourage you to listen to her feelings, discuss options and her reasoning.  Take it a year at a time, continue working at her academic level, and keep necessary records as if it would be her 9th grade year -- just in case she changes her mind later.  She could, but I kind of doubt she will.  You know better than any of us if she's likely to change her mind.  

 

 

 

Agree :)  I have been talking to her quite a bit about it and we agreed to stay on course with her work as if we are going into 9th grade and if she still feels this way in a few years, we can go back and adjust what we call next year on her transcript (probably not declare all HS credits or call them "early HS credits" on the transcript) and she can have the extra year she feels she needs.  Since we are home schooling, she isn't facing the kind of peer / social aspect she would at a school so this "solution" seems to have calmed her down. 

 

 

[SKL]

I said someone has to be the youngest.  That was in response to the OP saying that her daughter felt funny being the youngest.  So far I haven't noticed anything specifically uncomfortable that is going on in the group she's youngest in, just that being youngest feels strange.

 

It is also in response to the impression I'm getting that Mom is leaning somewhat in favor of the grade repeat, not because her daughter is struggling, but because she can employ a strategy to make the transcript look better than it would if she stayed the course.  This sounds to me like the reason many people hold capable, "ready" kids back in KG - because they don't want their kid to be youngest, they want the advantage of being oldest because it seems to look better on paper.  But at some point, I feel that can work against the child (as well as other kids in the class).  At some point someone has to say "my kid is going to be the youngest and that's OK."

 

My kids are youngest, they are expecting to graduate at 17 because I said so.  ;)  I would consider changing this if there were compelling reasons.  "I feel scared to grow up" at 14 is not compelling enough for me to make an official change, but I agree with leaving the possibility on the table for future discussion.  It's nice to have that flexibility.

 

My kid at age 9 is starting to develop.  She says it scares her.  I hug her and we move on.  Growing up is going to happen.  I don't think of it as something you get to slow down if you don't feel comfortable with the pace.

[karminr]

It is also in response to the impression I'm getting that Mom is leaning somewhat in favor of the grade repeat, not because her daughter is struggling, but because she can employ a strategy to make the transcript look better than it would if she stayed the course.  This sounds to me like the reason many people hold capable, "ready" kids back in KG - because they don't want their kid to be youngest, they want the advantage of being oldest because it seems to look better on paper.  But at some point, I feel that can work against the child (as well as other kids in the class).  At some point someone has to say "my kid is going to be the youngest and that's OK."

 

Our daughter is definitely not struggling with the academics, but rather with the social side of things.  I mentioned in another message that she's not quite where the other girls seem to be in her grade and she notices this.  They are mostly interested in boys, dating, clothes, shopping, makeup, social media, etc. and she's not there yet.

 

I was not considering her request simply to make her transcript look better.  It's already going to look good.  However, she does have gaps that I am trying to fill from her years in the public school system, gaps that her brother who is 2 years younger doesn't have since we started homeschooling him earlier.  An extra year would allow me to fill some of those gaps - ex: so that she gets a full 2 year history cycle vs. having to cram in modern history over the summer so she can have a full cycle through high school.  My point about the transcript was just that if she still ends up wanting to hold off a year because she doesn't feel that she's there developmentally, it certainly isn't going to look bad if she has more early HS credits. 

 

If we had wanted to hold her back simply to avoid being the youngest in the class, we wouldn't have enrolled her in school when we did to begin with. 

 

There is more to being "ready" than just being able to keep up with coursework.

[Renai]

Our daughter is definitely not struggling with the academics, but rather with the social side of things.  I mentioned in another message that she's not quite where the other girls seem to be in her grade and she notices this.  They are mostly interested in boys, dating, clothes, shopping, makeup, social media, etc. and she's not there yet.

 

 

Not all teen girls are interested in these things at this age, or later. My dd is 16 and is still not interested in those things. That can just be a personality or social pressure thing to be interested in those things. I held her back in 4th grade, but by 7th it was apparent she needed to move forward. She skipped 8th (charter schools in 7th and 9th) and is back with her age-grade, even though we are back to homeschooling. She's beginning dual enrollment classes this summer (between 10th & 11th grades).

 

All that to say, a girl doesn't need to be held back because she's not interested in social things that others are. There are all kinds of people interested in all kinds of things. Being interested in boys doesn't mean the other girls are more socially mature than your daughter, only that they focus on different things. Your daughter might want to focus on academics and not be interested in dating until she's 18. That's okay, and shows a different type of maturity - one that doesn't require being held back a grade.

 

Of course, every family is different, but I wanted to encourage you on this point.

[Haiku]

To an extent this can even be true of 17 year olds. 

 

Right. But at a certain point, decisions have to be made. When you graduate high school, you either go to college, or you don't. 

 

It's not necessary at 14 to decide when you will graduate and go off to college.

[Haiku]

Our daughter is definitely not struggling with the academics, but rather with the social side of things.  I mentioned in another message that she's not quite where the other girls seem to be in her grade and she notices this.  They are mostly interested in boys, dating, clothes, shopping, makeup, social media, etc. and she's not there yet.

 

My dd had a very tough year when she was 11 and, to a lesser extent, a tough year when she was 12. The girls she had grown up with since she was 2-3 years old had mostly made the leap to teenager-hood (even though most of them weren't officially teenagers) in their interests and activities. It was crystalized by my dd one day after a park day when she said, "I don't understand why they just want to walk around and talk! I don't want to walk around and talk! I want to play in the creek!" For two years my dd felt that she didn't really fit in with her lifelong friends, and she did struggle with this. Her solution was to hang out with the younger kids and the boys, the kids who, for the most part, still wanted to play in the creek (and I mean that metaphorically as well as literally). It wasn't until the latter part of the year she was 13 that she merged, to some degree, back into the group of girls she had grown up with, although I will say with complete honesty that there is a pretty stark divide in my dd's peer group: there are those who are into boys and makeup and fashion, and there are those who are into gaming and playing outside and anime/manga. There is, of course, some overlap, but in the end, my dd found that she fit more comfortably into a different peer group than the one she assumed she would. She has been able to work this out and find her place, and her group of close friends includes both boy and girls. For my dd, it was not an age thing (she was actually toward the older end of her immediate peer group) as much as it was a personality thing.

 

I was always the younger kid hanging out with the older ones; my dd, on the other hand, was, for a while, the older one hanging out with the younger kids. Now she has settled mostly into the middle age-wise.

[karminr]

My dd had a very tough year when she was 11 and, to a lesser extent, a tough year when she was 12. The girls she had grown up with since she was 2-3 years old had mostly made the leap to teenager-hood (even though most of them weren't officially teenagers) in their interests and activities. It was crystalized by my dd one day after a park day when she said, "I don't understand why they just want to walk around and talk! I don't want to walk around and talk! I want to play in the creek!" For two years my dd felt that she didn't really fit in with her lifelong friends, and she did struggle with this. Her solution was to hang out with the younger kids and the boys, the kids who, for the most part, still wanted to play in the creek (and I mean that metaphorically as well as literally). It wasn't until the latter part of the year she was 13 that she merged, to some degree, back into the group of girls she had grown up with, although I will say with complete honesty that there is a pretty stark divide in my dd's peer group: there are those who are into boys and makeup and fashion, and there are those who are into gaming and playing outside and anime/manga. There is, of course, some overlap, but in the end, my dd found that she fit more comfortably into a different peer group than the one she assumed she would. She has been able to work this out and find her place, and her group of close friends includes both boy and girls. For my dd, it was not an age thing (she was actually toward the older end of her immediate peer group) as much as it was a personality thing.

 

I was always the younger kid hanging out with the older ones; my dd, on the other hand, was, for a while, the older one hanging out with the younger kids. Now she has settled mostly into the middle age-wise.

 

This sounds like my daughter - she wants to run and play, not walk and talk (or walk & text, as is often the case).  She has drifted away from a few friends who are 14/15 going on 20, and held onto a couple who are still like her & not into the shopping, gossiping, and dating yet.  We'll see how things develop - hopefully this will just be her difficult transition year and she'll get over it quickly.  No matter what, being a teenager is just awkward.   

 

[Haiku]

No matter what, being a teenager is just awkward.   

 

Yup. My oldest dd (now 22) wailed to me once during high school, "Are these really the best years of my life??" My answer, emphatically and unequivocally, was "NO!!"

[SKL]

Our daughter is definitely not struggling with the academics, but rather with the social side of things.  I mentioned in another message that she's not quite where the other girls seem to be in her grade and she notices this.  They are mostly interested in boys, dating, clothes, shopping, makeup, social media, etc. and she's not there yet.

 

 

Just want to note that she may not ever be "there" in terms of those interests.  I'm 49 and I still have no interest whatsoever in most of those, LOL.  (I did eventually date in college and thereafter.)  When I was in high school, the material things many girls talk about all felt like surface stuff and not worth my time.  It just wasn't a phase I ever went through.  And I did find like-minded friends, though we were not in the majority.

 

In some ways, realizing that clothes aren't so important etc. could be a sign of being mentally older than those kids - eventually most of them will get past that hyper-materialistic, judge people for their looks mindset.  Your daughter might just be ahead of the curve on that.  Being a year older won't necessarily make her more silly.  :)

[SKL]

One of my 9yos is interested in boys, clothes, make-up, and especially shoes.  I don't think she's 5 years ahead maturity-wise.  :)  It's just what sparks her interest, and I have no idea why.

[frogger]

To be honest, I look at an older (held back) child's "great accomplishments" differently than those of a younger (on time) child.  If it's being done mainly to make it easier to excel, then I feel it's both an unfair advantage and disadvantage.  (A disadvantage because it robs a capable child of age-appropriate challenge - whether academic, social, or emotional.)  If I were screening young people for college or whatever, it would taint my view, to be honest.  My kid has 125% of the accomplishments but she graduated a year later than typical.  I would discount those accomplishments back down to 100%.

 

 

 

 

Though I agree if you were looking at scholarship opportunities, clubs that compete, etc that an older student shouldn't get that extra year advantage; I do think the competition element of more generalized education is not a good idea. People of all ages should do what is best for their overall success. If it takes an extra year to be college ready then it makes more sense that they take that extra year rather than flounder.   You must agree since considering your daughter. Just thought I'd point it out in this thread. 

[karminr]

Just want to note that she may not ever be "there" in terms of those interests.  I'm 49 and I still have no interest whatsoever in most of those, LOL.  (I did eventually date in college and thereafter.)  When I was in high school, the material things many girls talk about all felt like surface stuff and not worth my time.  It just wasn't a phase I ever went through.  And I did find like-minded friends, though we were not in the majority.

 

In some ways, realizing that clothes aren't so important etc. could be a sign of being mentally older than those kids - eventually most of them will get past that hyper-materialistic, judge people for their looks mindset.  Your daughter might just be ahead of the curve on that.  Being a year older won't necessarily make her more silly.  :)

 

Excellent point, I'm laughing! I am totally fine with her never arriving at that point.  She is mature in some ways and not in others (we leave baskets out for the Easter Bunny, shoes for St. Nicholas (she was born in Belgium), our stockings for Santa Claus, etc.). There's an innocence there that I imagine is more to do with homeschooling than anything else.  Her friends that are into similar things as her are not the majority either. We're all good with that.  :) 

[regentrude]

Our daughter is definitely not struggling with the academics, but rather with the social side of things.  I mentioned in another message that she's not quite where the other girls seem to be in her grade and she notices this.  They are mostly interested in boys, dating, clothes, shopping, makeup, social media, etc. and she's not there yet.

...

 

There is more to being "ready" than just being able to keep up with coursework.

 

yes, but the above interests have absolutely nothing to do with social maturity. Some girls are never interested in boys, dating and shopping - even as older teens and young adults. Holding her back a year does not automatically make her interested in those things (thorough exposure to only girls with the above interest might - I am curious as to why that would be particularly desirable)

 

You can be ready for in depth interactions with unfamiliar adults, for organizing independent life, for graduate level academics - and still have zero interest in boys and makeup.

[SKL]

Though I agree if you were looking at scholarship opportunities, clubs that compete, etc that an older student shouldn't get that extra year advantage; I do think the competition element of more generalized education is not a good idea. People of all ages should do what is best for their overall success. If it takes an extra year to be college ready then it makes more sense that they take that extra year rather than flounder.   You must agree since considering your daughter. Just thought I'd point it out in this thread. 

 

I'm not sure what you mean.  I agree that if a child needs another year to complete the academic requirements for college readiness, then it is better to do that than to start college without being able to do college work.  That's not the situation here, as this girl seems to be above average as far as that goes.  Not sure what my daughter has to do with it.  Both of my daughters are on track to graduate high school at 17, though one does have to work harder than average to do well in school.  I would not hold her back for any reason other than being unable to pass, which is unlikely given that her GPA is usually above 3.5.  She may not be Ivy League material - in fact, she probably is not - but an extra year won't change that, and she can have a good career without it.

 

[karminr]

yes, but the above interests have absolutely nothing to do with social maturity. Some girls are never interested in boys, dating and shopping - even as older teens and young adults. Holding her back a year does not automatically make her interested in those things (thorough exposure to only girls with the above interest might - I am curious as to why that would be particularly desirable)

 

You can be ready for in depth interactions with unfamiliar adults, for organizing independent life, for graduate level academics - and still have zero interest in boys and makeup.

 

That was just an example - she may never be interested in those things, you are correct. That won't bother us a bit. It's just an example of how she feels other kids in her grade are growing in a direction that she is not.  It isn't the only aspect. She came to us with these feelings, it isn't something we're trying to force on her (husband and I don't totally get it, in fact).  

[hornblower]

so...  it sounds to me that the main reason that's been identified is that she feels out of sync with her peer group. 

The thing is, holding back may not help that at all.

 

Finding your tribe is hard & for some it doesn't happen in high school at all. I would suspect she's just finding growing up hard but that's just how growing up sometimes is. I would not hold her back. I would try to help her find her other places to meet peers (of any gender) in clubs, activities, fandoms etc. 

[frogger]

I'm not sure what you mean. I agree that if a child needs another year to complete the academic requirements for college readiness, then it is better to do that than to start college without being able to do college work. That's not the situation here, as this girl seems to be above average as far as that goes. Not sure what my daughter has to do with it. Both of my daughters are on track to graduate high school at 17, though one does have to work harder than average to do well in school. I would not hold her back for any reason other than being unable to pass, which is unlikely given that her GPA is usually above 3.5. She may not be Ivy League material - in fact, she probably is not - but an extra year won't change that, and she can have a good career without it.

 

Sorry your example must have been relating to the OP as in "if it were my daughter". I think I misread that.

[SKL]

I will say that I used to feel awkward in school with my grade mates.  Once I realized I was the youngest, I started thinking maybe that was why.  But at age 15-16, I took some senior classes in order to graduate early, and I felt a much better fit in the senior classes than the junior classes.  That was when I realized that my awkwardness probably wasn't immaturity; it might even be greater maturity.

[LisaKinVA]

My developmental reasons for holding back oldest had to do with not understanding a level of questioning/critical thought necessary for higher level work, lacking certain executive function skills necessary to manage and prioritize work. Needing a level of "scaffolding" that would normally be needed for a younger child, and to a measure a level of naivety which left him clueless, floundering, and vulnerable (had nothing to do with homeschooling, but rather that same developmental trait that was causing issues with school work in the humanities). I'm also inclined to believe that being a late bloomer (physical maturity) played into all of this.

 

This was most definitely a case where the extra year made a huge difference academically and socially. Academically, we are talking at best CC upon graduation vs. NMQST. He easily would have flunked English and history, become demoralized, and who knows what from there. When we decided to "repeat" he spent a lot of time as an 11/12 year old crying, answering lit and history questions with, "I'm stupid." And no amount of assistance would help him overcome what was clearly a developmental issue. That extra year allowed that side of his brain to catch up to the normal expectations of a 6th grader. He is taking AP English "on time" with normal juniors next year. And I don't hold his being into LEGO at 16, never having kissed a girl, and not doing what the other 16yo boys are doing against him, or a sign that he's immature.

 

My younger son shows some of the same traits, but has also entered puberty younger (by 2 years), and is growing up and maturing faster. He is making noise about graduating at 17 (he's 12). I have given him an outline of what he needs to do in order to achieve that goal, but it's up to him to follow through. I'm not going to drag him along. So far, it's mostly just talk, but there are flickers I see now and then which lead me to believe it could become a reality. The next three years will tell.

 

There are times (thinking about Blondie now) where an extra year will probably have no measurable difference in the actual outcome. Age wise, she would fit in either 4th or 5th next year. We lost a year with her during our move (the local school grade skipped her, but she was actually still doing MM1, and Abeka grade 1 material at the time of the skip by the school to 2nd). When she finished her 2nd grade there (at the top of the class) she was not at a "3rd grade level" for MM, WWE,spelling or reading. She had basically marked time. She is not interested in academics. I keep hoping that will change, but it isn't likely to. I'm not sure when she will graduate yet, but likely the only difference in her transcript from graduating in 2024 or 2025 would be taking Calc AB vs Precalc her senior year, and possibly one or two AP science. I don't think there will be any appreciable difference in her maturity wise, either.

 

PonyGirl, my daughter, who I believe could be successful in a college classroom for math or science now, is a huge introvert. A year ago, she was hesitant to order food on her own in a fast food restaurant. Spending time with her peers through a PT enrollment at the school has helped her immeasurably. She is starting to advocate for herself. At 16, she could probably be in college full time, but at what other cost? She wants to do things with her friends. She loves competitive swimming. No, they aren't her academic peers, but she is enjoying the experience. If she weren't, I imagine she would be itching to get out (like I was, and others here were). To succeed in college at a young age takes more than academic readiness, executive function skills, organization, and self-discipline, it takes an incredibly strong desire to be there. A fairly fierce independence, and an acceptance that there may be a lack of fun, social events which one feels comfortable attending. Yes, college has an educational purpose, but that doesn't mean it all has to be about formal education. There is more to life than studying, and from experience, life is much more enjoyable, interesting and fun when you have friends beside you, than being mostly a loner. I did what I had to, but my daughter shouldn't be forced to follow my path (my path was not an easy one, and overall not one I remember fondly. But I made the best I could of the circumstances. I never fit in, and I was reminded of it often). The college door is open for her, should she want to go through it (I still bring it up, because I know she could change her mind), but I'm not going to shove her or drag her through it, either. This is her life. She is ambitious, sets and achieves her goals, is pursuing her dreams, and my job is to support, guide, and encourage -- with a dose of added realism here and there (she wants to take 3 high school science credits as a freshman. I currently have three months to dissuade her, so I am continuing to offer ideas for a light, fun, enjoyable class toward that end).

 

These are my oldest four. All talented in their own ways, bright, interesting, and unique individuals. How we are educating each one is a reflection of our background, what we've learned over mour lifetimes from peers, siblings, parents and friends (including people here), as well as what we can afford with money and time.

 

OP, there are times when I push. There are times when we "hug and move on." There are times when I demand, and times when I back off. Listen and talk to your daughter. It could be a passing phase, but it could be something more she can't quite articulate. I agree that we shouldn't shut doors, and that holding back to pad transcripts isn't in anyone's best interests. I don't think shared interests are necessarily signs of maturity or a lack thereof. I do think giving your daughter a voice, letting her feel that her opinions are valued, and that you always have her back are vital. I'm glad you will be moving forward academically (as if it were going to be 9th grade), and echo the thoughts of others that she could change her mind. I have do still think, that if giving her the option of taking an extra year, while moving forward academically gives her comfort, reduces anxiety, helps build her self confidence, your relationship, I think that could be best "for now."

[Tsuga]

That was just an example - she may never be interested in those things, you are correct. That won't bother us a bit. It's just an example of how she feels other kids in her grade are growing in a direction that she is not.  It isn't the only aspect. She came to us with these feelings, it isn't something we're trying to force on her (husband and I don't totally get it, in fact).  

 

Hm.

 

What is the part that you don't get?

 

She has different interest than her peers, which is common in gifted / accelerated / passionate kids.

 

Maybe you should look towards helping her find her true peers for the time being. She may find some people who share her growth curve or at least her sense of not fitting in. That can help a lot.

[Laura Corin]

so...  it sounds to me that the main reason that's been identified is that she feels out of sync with her peer group. 

 

The thing is, holding back may not help that at all.

 

Finding your tribe is hard & for some it doesn't happen in high school at all. I would suspect she's just finding growing up hard but that's just how growing up sometimes is. I would not hold her back. I would try to help her find her other places to meet peers (of any gender) in clubs, activities, fandoms etc. 

 

Yes.  Calvin didn't find his tribe until he went to university.  He was friendly with people at school, but there wasn't that connection.  FWIW, he was a year young at school, but he's still a year young at university.  If anything, he was more serious than those around him and also found some of the political and social attitudes of his peers unpleasant.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Laura Corin

[LisaKinVA]

I will say that I used to feel awkward in school with my grade mates.  Once I realized I was the youngest, I started thinking maybe that was why.  But at age 15-16, I took some senior classes in order to graduate early, and I felt a much better fit in the senior classes than the junior classes.  That was when I realized that my awkwardness probably wasn't immaturity; it might even be greater maturity.

 

There is a great deal of truth in this.  I was more "at home" in classes with older kids, and with kids who were passionate about learning.  I just had little luck finding many of them until I got to the college debate circuit.  Some of that was due to moving and changing schools frequently (most of my peers had a higher socio-economic status and wound up attending rather prestigious private schools -- which took them completely out of my circle), some of that was due to my need to push compared to many of my peers' being happy to coast.  Even then, I still didn't fit incredibly well -- but was able to find a lot more people to choose from as my friends!  I found greater acceptance once I became a debate coach.

 

I would have been a very happy home schooler, as long as I had adequate social opportunities (youth group, choir, band/orchestra, swimming, track, scouts -- in those groups I was fine with same-age peers, similar to my daughter, but also like my daughter, academics rarely came up in those situation).  

 

That's why I love our current situation with the DoDEA schools.  My kids can participate in extra curricular, take up to four classes a year of their choosing, socialize, and mix that up with being at home for more unique courses/work.  It's a wonderful compromise for now.  It's also exposed me to a better idea as to what is considered "credit worthy" -- which has helped me lower my requirements somewhat (especially in interest-driven electives).  If this was available in VA where we lived, or we were moving to an area state-side, where this arrangement were possible, I wouldn't be trying so hard to stay in Europe.

[regentrude]

That was just an example - she may never be interested in those things, you are correct. That won't bother us a bit. It's just an example of how she feels other kids in her grade are growing in a direction that she is not.  It isn't the only aspect. She came to us with these feelings, it isn't something we're trying to force on her (husband and I don't totally get it, in fact).  

 

So it seems as if she feels she does not fit with her same age peer group. That happens, for various reasons. I find it difficult to believe that holding her back a year will magically fix that.

 

My DD never fit with her same age peers until she got to college. She tried to find all kinds of reasons for it - for example that we are immigrants, and refused to speak her native language in a desperate attempt to "fit". Nope, didn't work. She just always related better to kids several years older than her; at age 15, her best friends were in her early twenties.

 

I'm just mentioning this because I know the feeling of not fitting in is very real, but I have a hard time imagining this simply goes away by waiting a year, being around the same peer group.

Edited June 4, 2016 by regentrude