S/O Conflict Resolution - volunteering difference of opinion?

[Ginevra]

The other thread prompted me to ask about this. Hornblower's post, specifically. What do you do when people who are casual or lower-level friends bring up a subject (possibly a controversial one) with the presumptive attitude that surely you agree? This actually happened to me this morning at the ball field, when a mom I was conversing with made a disparaging statement about a current news issue. Well, my POV on this matter is the opposite. But I also don't very much want to have a debate about it with her in this moment. I said little, i.e., "yeah, I think I did hear something about that." Luckily, (?) DH was in earshot and he does agree with the lady, so perhaps he met her need to say something about it by responding. (They didnt get into a long discussion, but he just said something like, "yeah, that's ridiculous.")

 

So what do you usually do? Do you volunteer your different POV? Or just figure it makes no difference anyway so you might as well save your breath?

[Guest]

It depends, as always.

 

But in general, if it is someone I see often or someone I consider a long-term friend, and I *really* do not want to be associated with the idea, I say I disagree.

 

Not necessarily to have a conversation about it, and definitely not to convince them I am correct. But just for the record.

 

That happened recently, where someone I've known, and plan to know, for a long time said something disparaging  about a group in the news. I said, "I could not disagree with that more." She laughed and said,"OK." That was that.

 

If it's someone I don't plan to see often it doesn't matter. I just say "hmm"

[livetoread]

If it's someone I don't know well, I often say something like, "Well, I think it's a complicated thing and people have lots of different perspectives on it." Usually, they get the hint and change the subject.

[kbutton]

It depends. If it's something that could change the flavor of a group we are both part of (socially or otherwise), and I really don't want to see the viewpoint become taken for granted as the default, I try to say something. The way I introduce it varies by topic and audience. If the audience is a sane person who is over-reacting to something that genuinely conflicts with a deeply-held viewpoint, and the reaction is off-base for her personally, I usually try to point out another way to categorize the information that doesn't run off a cliff. I try to validate what caused the reaction and just point out other ways of thinking about it. I try to show how maybe having that if someone else had the same reaction to something she holds dear, she would be horrified, but I come at that obliquely, lol! 

 

If it's a more general opinion that isn't going to affect me one way or another in establishing misunderstanding later on, I try to keep my comments to a minimum. If we get closer, and it matters, I would say, "You know how you feel about x? Well, I feel differently about it, and I didn't want you to assume otherwise. I'm okay with our different opinions, but I didn't want you're not knowing my feelings to accidentally undermine our friendship down the road because I didn't speak up." 

 

If the comments are not controversial, but they could give people the wrong impression, I try to redirect in a way that's not public but shows the other perspective. "Hey, when our group is together, you keep harping on mom jeans and mini vans, and you think you're humor is self-deprecating. So and so in our group is really stressed out, not getting your vibe, and she wears mom jeans. She's trying to make her 10 year old mini van make it a few more months so she can pay for speech therapy and braces for her kids. Find a new joke. Better yet, ask her how speech therapy is going and really listen." If that fails, I try to find some socially acceptable way to convey that the person needs to get more comfortable with having stressed out and needy people in her social circle because friends do that for each other.

[TammyS]

It depends on a lot of things.  My energy and mood that day, how much I care (or don't) about the issue, what I need from a relationship with the person and how much I'm willing to risk it, etc.

 

I do, very often, just say, "Oh" and then move away.  As an introvert, I find myself very protective of my energy in dealing with people, and I just can't waste it on someone who I think is hopeless (on that topic), of I don't care much about, or an issue I don't care enough about.

 

Of course, there are the occasional days where the comment would be "the last piece of stupidity that I can hear today" and then who knows how long I might be willing to fight about it. :smash:

[Pawz4me]

It depends on so many things --

 

My overall mood (including how tired and/or hungry I am).

Who the person is, and whether or not I believe there's a smidgen of open space for their mind to be changed.

The setting.

Where and how frequently I'll likely encounter the person again.

 

And on and on.

 

Mainly I just wanted to post and say that people assuming I share their POV is one of my biggest peeves.  It drives me (figuratively ;)) up the wall.

[SKL]

The other thread prompted me to ask about this. Hornblower's post, specifically. What do you do when people who are casual or lower-level friends bring up a subject (possibly a controversial one) with the presumptive attitude that surely you agree? This actually happened to me this morning at the ball field, when a mom I was conversing with made a disparaging statement about a current news issue. Well, my POV on this matter is the opposite. But I also don't very much want to have a debate about it with her in this moment. I said little, i.e., "yeah, I think I did hear something about that." Luckily, (?) DH was in earshot and he does agree with the lady, so perhaps he met her need to say something about it by responding. (They didnt get into a long discussion, but he just said something like, "yeah, that's ridiculous.")

 

So what do you usually do? Do you volunteer your different POV? Or just figure it makes no difference anyway so you might as well save your breath?

 

I try very hard to find a respectful answer that doesn't invite further discussion.

 

For example, "can you believe Target is letting men in to the ladies' room?"

"There certainly are a range of opinions on that.  Wow, your daughter made a great save!"

[Tita Gidge]

Someone I know casually, or have just met, I don't openly disagree (or agree).  I just let them do their talking, and offer non-committal  but courteous um-hmms and oh reallys.   They can usually read my boredom with the topic and move on - to someone else, or to another topic.

 

I like to argue, as in - if it were a sport, I'd be an Olympian. I grew up in a large family with a variety of opinions.  Respectful, healthy, but loud debates were par for every meal.  I was drawn to the classical homeschooling due to it's promotion of logic and rhetoric. I don't even have to have an opinion on something, I'll argue what color the sky is. Or even if we share an opinion, I'll play Devil's Advocate and go around the mulberry bush with someone a few (hundred) times. I think it is fun.

 

But I only enjoy it with people who similarly find it a sport.  I learned not to waste time, or breath, on people who aren't interested in the art of debate, or in better understanding the opposing viewpoint. People today seem to think that to understand (or to express an interest in hearing) the other POV, one must support it; there's no healthy respect for differing opinions. I find the latter to be more of a pissing contest.  People who assume I share their opinion tend to be more into those than into a intellectually stretching exchange of ideas, or good verbal spar.

[Anne in CA]

I don't believe many people are capable of honest disagreement anymore. I have friends and coworkers that I have honest disagreements with, but they are pretty developed people. I don't think many ordinary people are capable of seeing things from a different point of view than their own. I wonder if they ever were. I wonder if we are devolving as a society. One reason I come to the boards is to get different points of view respectfully. I have changed many, many of my views on religion, politics, society over time. I am finding that many people cannot do that.

[heartlikealion]

Oh yeah it's tricky. I never know if by not saying much I sound like I'm condoning something but sometimes it seems better to not really agree/disagree and just say something neutral (I remember hearing about that/it's quite the hot topic lately).

 

This happened to me recently and I basically felt really fake and uncomfortable because I knew saying too much could be social suicide. Not that I'm friends with these people, but I could be interacting with them a lot.

 

I guess it kind of depends on the given situation/person/topic. I didn't say anything when some relatives made what I considered an offensive joke in their own home, but I did privately tell ds why it wasn't funny to me and how it could be considered offensive to a group of people. This may not be the same scenario as the question but it is similar.

[Carol in Cal.]

If it's racist, I call it into explicit question.  I would never allow myself to seem to agree with something like that.

 

If it's political, often I say, "Do you think so?" with a smile, and then change the subject.  Usually that works, and it conveys that I don't necessarily agree, without starting an argument.

[Tsuga]

The other thread prompted me to ask about this. Hornblower's post, specifically. What do you do when people who are casual or lower-level friends bring up a subject (possibly a controversial one) with the presumptive attitude that surely you agree? This actually happened to me this morning at the ball field, when a mom I was conversing with made a disparaging statement about a current news issue. Well, my POV on this matter is the opposite. But I also don't very much want to have a debate about it with her in this moment. I said little, i.e., "yeah, I think I did hear something about that." Luckily, (?) DH was in earshot and he does agree with the lady, so perhaps he met her need to say something about it by responding. (They didnt get into a long discussion, but he just said something like, "yeah, that's ridiculous.")

 

So what do you usually do? Do you volunteer your different POV? Or just figure it makes no difference anyway so you might as well save your breath?

 

When I believe holding the opinion is harmful to others (i.e. racism, "It's okay to discriminate because let's be honest, black people are more likely to be criminals, right?") I would stand up for my beliefs. I'd be willing to lose the friend. I can stand somewhere else on the soccer field.

 

So the Target bathroom issue, I would say something. I would voice my opinion but in the most succinct possible. To take SKL's example, "Yes, and I'm glad to hear it. Please pass the bean dip."

 

When I strongly disagree but it's not hurting anyone, or to remain silent would be misleading, I would try to set the record straight in a humorous or kind way, i.e. "Don't you wish kids' church went up through age 18?" "Well we don't go to church but I wouldn't mind kids church up to age 18 regardless so I could sleep in, hah!"

 

When it's politics or whatever, "That's one perspective." Or if they seem to really want to go at it, "Boy, we better not get started on politics, or this could get wild. How about those Mariners?"

Edited May 15, 2016 by Tsuga

[mamiof5]

Thankfully I haven't been in that situation. It really depends on the issue? It just depends. Someone questioning my homeschooling and suggesting other options (like my sister did this weekend) I don't have a problem saying something like "it's OK to disagree and this is what works for us". "Hot" topics? I'd respectfully state my opinion (just very short, straight to the point), agree to disagree in the matter and move to more important topics, like the weather :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I usually don't say much.  I can get over the fact other people won't see eye to eye with me on a lot of things.  I have a few deal breakers, but most of the time I can just let it go.  Deal breaker meaning their opinion/view is offensive to me.  In that case I avoid them if I can. 

 

 

[zoobie]

I'm also in the it depends category. I will disagree succinctly if it's a bigoted statement. How succinctly depends on who it is and where we are. If it's something I don't want them thinking I agree but don't want to end the social chit chat, I'll say something like, "oh, we won't see eye to eye on this one. Any fun vacation plans for the summer?"

[Farrar]

It's so awkward. I find that the less controversial it is, the more likely I am to say something. I mean, if someone is a casual acquaintance who says something that I think is really offensive, something racist (though probably unintentionally so) then I probably just want to file that under reasons why I'll never be good friends with them and will avoid them once our situational "friendship" over whatever it is ends. And if it's something like abortion, where it's just so controversial that no one is ever going to change their position and it's just really emotional for a lot of people, I'm not going to stir things up. Really, the fact that someone would just make assumptions about things like that is also a point against them for me so it's like uninviting me to ever be closer to them.

 

If they say something that's more along the lines of say, a parenting method or a policy dispute... I'm more likely to politely disagree. I know those things can be emotional too, but it's less stressful when someone says, actually we co-slept or actually I don't believe in term limits for politicians or something. It's not like, wow, you were just really racist!